AN: And he's baaaccckkkk.
Return of the Permaboner: The Hard Existence of a Viking Vampire
I was bored.
Freaking bored.
I am a thousand year old vampire; it would stand to reason that I would get bored from time to time. There was little in my existence which could surprise or excite me anymore. I had traveled everywhere, seen everything, and had done everything (and everyone, naturally). Now, sitting in the office of my vampire bar/tourist trap, I couldn't think of anything except how excruciatingly bored I was.
"Sigh," I said aloud, in case the minions wouldn't understand the action itself. It appeared they hadn't, since I'd been sitting here sighing listlessly for the past five minutes to no effect.
"What's that?" the one called Ginger asked, looking up from her duties of scrubbing the last fangbanger's juices from the floor at my feet. "Did you say 'fry'?" she continued, sitting back and twirling a strand of over-processed hair in her finger as she blinked in my direction.
"Ginger!" my number one lackey, Pam Ravenscroft barked, walking across the polished floor and avoiding the piles of fangbanger remnants along the way (she did have a new pair of pumps on, of course). "Why in the world would the master say 'fry'?" She stopped in front of Ginger and knocked on her obviously empty head, a hollow sound echoing in my superior vampire hearing.
I chuckled, briefly amused before sinking back into the ennui that surrounded my existence. I had been feeling lack luster for at least the last fifty years, and likely the hundred years before that. There was that brief moment of interest when I had come upon that blonde actress and the American president with the atrocious accent (and I do literally mean come across), but even that was a fleeting moment. Shame really, I would have rather liked to explore that further, but of course my annoying blood brother had to go and ruin that too. I mean really, he was Russian royalty, big fucking deal. He was a pain in the ass, and not in a good way.
I sighed again, louder this time, which had the desired effect since Pam stopped her methodical grinding of her stiletto into Ginger's hand and looked over at me.
"Master?" she asked, kicking Ginger against the door with little effort. My eyes crinkled as I watched Ginger's limp body slink down to the floor. It was so very difficult to find good help these days. While Ginger wasn't exactly the brightest bulb, she at least could take a licking and keep on ticking (much like my favorite possession in life that resided in my pants).
"What?" I asked petulantly.
"Is there something wrong?" Pam asked, using her vampire speed to kneel at my side, like all good subjects do.
I sighed again.
"Master," she said, more sternly this time, "I am fully aware that you do not need to breathe. Abby has said that frequent sighing is often a sign of displeasure. What is this sighing about? You sound like that woman with the funny name when she talks about that Compton fellow."
"Pamela!" I barked, wrapping my hand around her throat. How dare she question me? How dare she compare me to someone such as the woman with the funny name? My fingers loosened as I recalled Funny Name's latest visit to Fangtasia. She had looked quite delicious with her back shredded as such. It took all of my restraint to stop myself from splooging into her wounds when Bill was in the room. Thankfully, Pam had tricked him into leaving the room briefly by mentioning that the General Lee was visiting (the Vampire soldier, not to be confused with the Dodge Charger driven by the two redneck imbeciles. Funny story about the later, well not quite funny, but I did have fond memories of that particular vehicle and the woman in the jean shorts that I had been fellated by on the hood), which had given me ample opportunity to share my magic love lotion with Funny Name before that midget doctor came in and cleaned her out.
"Yes Master?" Pam asked, with an impertinent smirk.
"I am," I growled, then sighed. "Bored."
"Would you like me to bring in the next fangbanger? The line is quite long and wide this evening."
"That's what she said," I said, though my heart wasn't in it. Pam smile, appropriately so, though didn't say anything else. "Pamela," I said, "don't you ever feel bored?"
Her jaw dropped – from the honor of my discussion of so called feelings I am sure – and she shook her head. "Rarely, Master." She bent down and picked up the towel that I had dropped on the floor after cleaning the last fangbanger off of me. "Has your towel been cleaned to your satisfaction?" she asked. "Do you like the new detergent I've been using?"
I nodded, frowning at her change in subject, then sighing again. "It's fine Pamela," I said, leaning back and linking my hands behind my head. I sighed. "I suppose I am ready for the next warm hole. Make it something interesting this time."
Pam's eyes gleamed and she nodded. "I've just the group you need," she said, and with her vampire speed was out the door, Ginger's limp body thrown over her shoulder.
The door opened seconds later, and two women on their hands and knees crawled in, followed by a man in leather who was holding their harnesses. I groaned and shook my head. Pony fetishes? Again? I had been bored with the hoof checking forty years ago; what would make this different today? I would definitely have to discuss my displeasure of repetition with Pamela before the next round. But, I was a vampire with a job to do, and a reputation to uphold.
I looked down at the bulge in my pants and gave it a small pat. "It's show time."
.
Part of being the Vampire Sheriff and Ultimate Boss of Area 5 was that I could do what I wanted, whenever I wanted it, and tonight when I'd risen from the dead, I decided that what I wanted was to needle one Mr. William Compton, general pain in the ass (again, not in the good way). Pamela had agreed to oversee my duties at Fangtasia, not that she had much choice as my minion.
I chuckled to myself as I looked in my closet and found exactly what I was looking for. Bill had always had a fear of all things horse-like after his last trip to Tijuana, and the fancy dress unicorn costume would be perfect. I dressed with care in my tightest pink and aqua spandex – it's always best to be prepared for anything – hopped into my red corvette and soon found myself on the road towards Bumblefuck, Louisiana. It wasn't often that I made the journey out of Shreveport, but could you blame me? Tree after tree, swamp after swamp, it all looked the same. The only thing that broke the monotony was the sounds of cousins bumping uglies that echoed along the road out to this town of Bon Temps. I had done cousins before (naturally, I had done everything, remember?) and while it had been amusing the first thousand times, I didn't particularly enjoy using my prized asset in tune with the sounds of banjo music.
"Just be patient down there," I said to the bulge in my spandex, "if tonight goes as planned, you will get to come out and play."
My boner twitched in agreement, then settled itself firmly against my pelvis, ready to strike at any given moment.
The Compton residence was empty when I arrived, not even the sound of Bill's poor attempts at Wii Golf echoing through the house. I threw off the hooves and hat in disgust; no point in dressing like a unicorn if Bill wasn't around to torment.
"Sigh," I said, mainly to myself since there didn't appear to be anyone around. I climbed back into my corvette and drove to the nearest watering hole, which was owned by that mangy dog Sam Merlotte. There was only one thing I hated more than a shifter, and that was erectile dysfunction. Thankfully I didn't have to worry about that anymore.
I entered the bar, very bored whilst doing so I can tell you, and paused at the entrance for dramatic effect. As expected, all the ladies stared at me longingly, licking their lips as they surveyed the legend that was my body and my boner. I turned around, wiggling my ass for the full effect, and that's when I spotted her. The one with the Funny Name. She looked like she had been crying, though that only made me want to use her tears as lubrication.
I flew over to where she stood (what good is the ability to fly if not to get to the lady I was going to bone faster?) and cleared my throat. She turned around, apparently aroused by my nearness if her gasp was any indication.
"Hello lover," I said with a quirk of my eyebrow.
"Eric!" she exclaimed, her hand flying over her breast and caressing it. She couldn't resist touching herself around me, despite her protests otherwise. "What are you doing here?" she continued, her eyes trailing down my body.
"Why don't you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?" I asked, with my most charming smirk that was sure to make her panties melt.
She rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hip. "Let's say we don't?" she asked. "And what in the hell are you wearing?"
"Do you like it, lover?" I asked, thrusting my hips in her direction.
"I am not your lover, Eric," she said, shaking her head, though unable to remove her eyes from Eric Jr.
"Formalities, lover," I said, shaking my head. "Formalities."
"What are you doing here?" she repeated.
"Looking for Bill," I said with a shrug.
Her hand flew quickly, though naturally my reflexes were quicker, as she tried to slap my face. I captured her hands in mine and shook my head down at her. "What is that for, lover?"
"You know darn well where Bill Compton is," she spat, this time lashing out with her feet at me.
"Why," I growled, picking her up and swinging her over my shoulder before she could protest, "would I be looking for him if I knew where he was?"
She cried out, her mouth precariously close to my world-famous ass. I knew it was a cry of delight, despite the way she was punching it. I suppose she could be testing it to see if it was real, or a stunt double. Oh it was real all right, 100% genuine vampire ass, with a wiggle and no jiggle.
"Sookie!" the furry one called from behind the bar. My eyes snapped to his, my fangs dropping in a silent fuck you to the mangy mutt.
"Sam!" she cried, still pounding against my rock hard ass.
"I shall be taking Sookie home," I said, her odd name rolling off my tongue. I was never going to remember that name. Who in the hell named their kid Sookie anyway? Everyone knew that the only appropriate name for a baby girl was Freyja, or possibly Aude if said parent was feeling a bit foot loose and fancy free. Either way, I shall continue to refer to this blonde delight squirming in my arms as "lover", much easier that way.
Before the mutt could do anything (and it wasn't as if he could turn into anything in front of his patron's eyes since his kind were still in the closet right next to R Kelly) I was out the door. In my effort to keep the squirming bundle of holes in my future still, I failed to notice the hoard of fangbangers that was approaching with alarming speed for mere humans. Why, it was only the sound of a familiar grunt that caught my attention, and it was a good thing since the fangbanger in question was quickly cutting the distance between us, stake in hand.
Thankfully, I was as quick witted as I was agile, and I turned at the last moment, the stake sliding into Lover's side. With the speed only a vampire possesses, I managed to maim the gaggle of fangbanger's while Lover lay limply over my shoulder, and when the last man was felled, I ripped the top of my spandex off to wipe off the dirt that was covering poor Lover's stake wound. With one quick suck on her intoxicating blood, I began to run, instinctively knowing where her house was.
The night was dark as I tore down Hummingbird Lane, the wind whipping through my hair, which tangled with the blood oozing from Lover's side. Pam was going to kill me if my most recent dye job got ruined. There was one thing Pam was the master of, and that was bleach. Bleach on the towel, bleach in my hair. It was the one area I could easily admit I had no experience in.
"Invite me in," I said, pausing at her door step. She groaned in pain.
"Invite me in!" I repeated.
It was barely above a whisper, but it was enough to break the magic spell that kept me out of her house. And I was certain it would be enough to break the magic spell that kept me out of her pants, for really, what other explanation could there be other than magic? I was a legend. The phallus in my pants was not denied entry into any gate, at any time, unless there was some higher power at work.
"Bill," Lover whimpered, as I lay her on the tile floor of her bathroom.
"Eric," I ground out. I may not be bothered to learn her name, but she damned well better know mine.
She groaned and rolled to her side, the gaping hole an invitation for my eager body. I leaned down and cleaned the wound with my tongue, savoring the vintage of her blood. No wonder Compton had attempted to keep her to himself. She had a bit of faerie to her – and I don't mean Friend of Dorothy faerie, though that held its appeal too – and she was fairly intoxicating.
Only when I felt her heart begin to slow did I recall what I needed to do. I reluctantly sat up and tore my own wrist open, encouraging her to drink as I stripped her of her clothes. I was nothing, if not enterprising. My boner became even harder if possible as her lips tugged at my blood, and I wondered why I had not had the forethought to open the skin of my boner for her to suck. Maybe next time.
Her eyes fluttered open when she had had a significant amount of my blood, and she looked up at me in startled confusion.
"Eric?" she asked, her mouth ringed with my blood.
"Yes, lover?"
"What happened?"
"Shhh," I said, shaking my head in disappointment as I watched the hole in her side close. There would be more opportunity to drink from her, perhaps from my favorite vein in her thigh; or perhaps I could get her to drink from my neck as I drank from hers; it was one of the few things I truly enjoyed doing, when I found a worthy partner, and Lover was proving to be a worthy partner.
"I-" she said, blinking up at me. "My, I never noticed how handsome you are."
I grinned down at her. "Of course you did."
"Of course I did," she repeated, licking her lips to get the last drop of blood off the corner of her mouth. "My, I feel kind of funny. Drunk almost."
"It's the blood," I murmured, running my hands along the length of her naked body.
"V?" she asked, uncertainly.
"Straight from the spout," I affirmed.
"Oh my," she whimpered, squirming against me.
I looked down at the mess of blood over her body, a lock of my once blonde hair falling over my eye.
"Oh shit," I said, standing up. "I need to get this blood out of my hair, lest I should need to cut it off."
The remnants of my spandex tore off my body with ease, and I flew into the shower, never letting go of Lover's naked body, which was a good thing since she went limp in my arms. It wasn't the first time a woman had swooned at the sight of me; I was quite impressive. She shrieked as the cold water hit her skin – silly humans with their need for hot water – and clung to my side as the water poured over us, tinging red as it washed the mixture of our blood off of each other.
"I feel an overwhelming urge to kiss you," she said, rubbing her breasts against me.
"Not yet," I said, scrubbing the blood out of my hair with her Herbal Essences shampoo.
She pouted, then defied my orders, standing on her tiptoes and entwining her hands with mine to massage my scalp. "Eric," she whimpered. "I need you."
It was like a lightning bolt in my nether regions. The peen shot to painful attention (though it was at attention already) and demanded to be inserted in any of Lover's holes.
"Lover," I groaned, pulling her tightly against me. We gyrated as the water poured over us, Lover dedicating an inordinate amount of attention to my ass (who thanked me personally). My hands went to work, bringing her to her first of what would surely be many screaming orgasms. I was shooting for at least thirty-two before the night was over.
"Tell me how good I am, Lover," I demanded.
"So good," she whimpered.
"Tell me how large I am, Lover."
"Gigantic. Your penis is like the King Kong of all penises," she cried, her hands encircling the peen in question – and it does take two hands, we are speaking of my boner after all. "It's… good gracious," she sighed, "a gracious plenty."
I nodded in agreement. It wasn't the first time I'd heard it referred to as such.
"Tell me how it tastes," I demanded, pushing her head down to meet the gracious plenty in question.
"What?" she asked.
"Tell me how it tastes!" I repeated when I had forced her onto her knees.
She quirked her eyebrow and shrugged, licking the very tip. "It tastes like water."
"You insolent woman!" I barked, turning off the water and tossing a very wet Lover over my shoulder. There was no time to dry off, nor did I imagine she had the quality of towel I demanded. There was only one towel that could do the trick, and I hadn't thought to bring it along. I would make sure to fluff it upon my return to Fangtasia. "Anyone could describe the taste of my penis better than you! Anyone."
I threw her back on the bed, smirking as her fear was replaced with excitement.
"What are you going to do to me?" she asked, hopeful and expectant.
"I should spank you," I barked.
She bit her lower lip and nodded slowly. "You should."
"But I won't."
"You won't?" she asked, almost disappointed.
"No," I said, shaking my head. "Absolutely not. You will receive no pleasure until you tell me how I look, taste, smell and feel. And I want detail." I lay back on the bed, and nodded towards my legendary boner. "Proceed."
Her hands and mouth covered my body, something that should have excited me, but alas it didn't. Even weird named Lover wasn't enough to pull me out of the overwhelming sense of apathy I had been feeling as of late.
I sighed.
"What?" she asked, her head popping up from her ministrations and worshipping of my gracious plenty.
"I'm just," I sighed again, propping myself up on my elbows.
"Just what?" she asked with a frown.
"Bored."
"Bored?" she asked, her mouth forming a perfect oval of shock.
"Yes," I flopped back on the bed behind me. "I am a thousand years old. I have done everything you could imagine. This," I waved my hand between her mouth and the legend, "is fine, but… not enough."
She sat back on her feet, her body deliciously bare to me. My legend screamed at me to sink into her, and I shook my head at it. "Soon enough," I whispered. "Soon enough my pretty."
"What?" Lover asked. "What did you say?"
"Nothing," I sighed. "I just wish we could do something that was more exciting."
"More exciting than this?" she asked, cupping her breasts with her own hands.
I nodded. She did have a nice rack, but it wasn't enough. There was only one thing that could be enough.
"What, pray tell," she asked, with a tone of defiance, "would be 'enough'?"
"Well," I said, sitting up alert. "There is one thing that I've always wanted to try."
She frowned, though didn't say anything, motioning for me to continue. This was going to be easier than I thought. I pulled her down on top of me, the length of her body against mine, and ran my fingers along her spine until they reached the destination between her legs. Much easier to get acquiescence after an orgasm, which came about in record time.
As she lay panting against me, I resumed my speech.
"While I cannot remember in great detail," I started off slowly. Of course I could remember in great detail, but Lover didn't seem like the kind of woman who would want to hear about things like my past conquests; much better to pretend to have forgotten. "I am sure that I have done most everything sexually. But there is something that would interest me; something that would perk me right up."
My hands departed her epicenter and circled to her rather delightful behind and paused.
"What?" she asked with a whimper, as my tongue delved into her ear.
My fingers inched closer to my desired landing spot. "Have you ever…?" I asked, lowering my voice to whisper in her ear, asking the question I had longed to ask.
"What?" she paused. "What?" she shrieked, sitting up and slapping my hand away.
"In the butt…" I trailed off.
She jumped off the bed, quickly covering herself with the nearest piece of cloth, which happened to be an incredibly ugly afghan.
"What?" she said, shaking her head.
"I fail to see the issue," I growled. "Everyone does it. You'll enjoy it. I promise. I will bring you hours of pleasure. All you have to do is say yes."
"If 'everyone' does it, then why are you pretending you've never done it before? Wouldn't you be as bored with that as you are with everything else?" she asked, logically. Damn her and her three brain cells.
"Lover," I sighed. She was right, of course she was right. She was a far cry from the first woman who I would take in that arena, but I thrived on knowing I would be her first. "Technicalities. You will enjoy it. Now, yield to me!" I commanded.
"I don't think so," she said, shaking her head. "In fact," she blinked, standing up straight. "I don't think I will enjoy anything with you."
"I would say your two orgasms in the last ten minutes would dispute that statement." I couldn't help but grin at her defiant stance. Silly girl, did she not know that I always got what I wanted?
"You!" she gasped. "You tricked me! You drugged me with your stupid blood."
"As you drugged me," I said, sitting up with a shrug. "It's not every day I imbibe faerie blood."
"What are you talking about?"
"Your blood, Lover," I said, stalking across the room towards her. "It tastes deliciously of faerie. And do you know what vampires do to faeries?"
"I haven't a clue," she said, backing away from me. "But it sure as heck better not be sticking it in their ass."
"Darling," I chuckled. "We mustn't dwell on that, though you will yield to me." It was a command, not a request. "No, vampires rather like to eat faeries. Would you like me to eat you?"
She shuddered. "Not particularly."
"No?" I asked, quirking my eyebrow. "I should rather like to add to your orgasm count tonight."
"You could fill an entire jar with orgasms and I wouldn't let you anywhere near me Eric Northman! I am Bill's!"
"But Bill is missing," I pointed out. "And I hear humans get lonely. I'd be more than happy to fill the void he left."
"Get out," she commanded.
"Lover," I said with a chuckle. "Don't you mean, get over here?"
"No," she said defiantly.
I ignored her. Ridiculous humans didn't know what they wanted until you gave it to them. I was over to her in a flash, the afghan thrown over my shoulder to reveal her perfect form to me. Before she could say anything, my fingers were once again inside of her.
"Come for me lover," I commanded.
"Unbelievable," she said, her body shaking against mine. "I rescind your invitation!"
The room shook around me, both with magic and my rage as I was pulled away from her. I looked into her mocking face, atop her flushed body and growled.
"Lover," I barked as I was pulled away. "This isn't the last you'll see of me!"
And it wouldn't be. No, I had had a taste of the one with the weird name. And I didn't care what I had to do to pick up where I had left off. I was a thousand year old vampire; I was the master of everything around me; a veritable Viking sex god. It did not matter if I had to coerce her into coming back to me; she would come back to me, and then she would come.
Thirty two times.
AN: This has been written for some time, it was just waiting for the awesomeness that is the banner that peppermintyrose made for me. Without her, the permaboner would not be possible :D Link to banner is on my profile.