Permaboner: The Arousal
It had been nearly a month since my last encounter with the oddly-named Sookie Stackhouse, not that I had been counting. No, my duties as the Sheriff of Area Five kept me far too busy to track something as simple as that. Besides, I had had her for one night; a man of my status did not bone a woman for more than one night. There were too many women in the world desperate to get a piece of me to allow one to have me for more than one evening. And really, one evening was more than most got. I cannot even begin to tell you the complaints I received after being gone from Fangtasia that night I'd spent in the backwoods town of Bon Temps.
I wished I could forget her, if I was being honest. I had never struggled to forget women in the past – they were expendable, disposable, and most times quite bendy (which was a bonus). There was that one time when I broke one of them, but really, she should be honored that I even bothered with her.
But this Sookie character…there was something about her that kept me awake during the day; something about her that made me curious to know what she was doing all the time.
"Master," Pam called, interrupting my thoughts of sinking my teeth into the delectable artery located on the inside of Sookie's thigh.
"What is it?"
"I just got off the phone with Bobby. He said that the installation was a success."
This was excellent news. My unquenchable need to know Sookie's every movement was soon to be satisfied. There was no point in having all this money (and good looks, naturally) if I could not use it to satisfy myself. The $50,000 surveillance system I'd had installed in Sookie's farmhouse was probably worth more than the building itself, but I didn't particularly care. I had offered to move her into one of my luxury condos (the one with the bondage den, of course), but the little minx had refused. So I had, as they say, decided to move the mountain to Moses.
"Is the feed live?" I asked, pointing to the monitors Pam had installed in my office.
"I believe so."
"Believe so? Shouldn't you know? I swear Pam, you need to get your act together!"
I thought I saw Pam roll her eyes – but of course she wouldn't do that. No one rolls their eyes at me! – before she walked over to the monitor and turned it on. The screen blurred for a short period of time before coming into focus – there were ten cameras installed throughout Sookie's house, each camera receiving a devoted section on one of the large monitors and the camera in her bedroom getting its own screen. I knew how much women liked to be filmed in their bedroom – my nightly viewing of Sliver had taught me so. Plus, I was looking forward to watching her touch herself and to hearing my name escaping her lips, as I knew it would.
"You can leave now, Pamela," I instructed, dismissing her with a wave of my hand and a flash of my fangs.
I needed to be alone with the footage of Sookie. There were some things I needed to take care of that did not involve Pam.
"Please send in the next fangbanger," I called as she exited the door. "And make her blonde!"
Sure enough, not even five seconds later, a tiny blonde woman came parading through the door. I looked at her skeptically – her hair was not the right shade of yellow, nor were her boobs the appropriate size, but she would have to do.
"Here, put this on," I said, shoving a Bon Temps High School Football t-shirt in her direction.
The bloodbag looked at me questionably for a moment before she shrugged and took off her skintight black dress and did as I said. I did so like submissive compliance in my womenfolk.
With lightening fast speed, I grabbed the woman and bent her over my desk, thrusting into her with the force only a powerful vampire (and former Viking!) can possess. Her grunts and groans were loud – annoyingly so – but I did not care. No, I was too busy watching the busty blonde on the monitor as she scrubbed the toilet in her bathroom. I imagined her bent over the sink as I pounded into her. I knew she would love it; all women did.
At the moment my lover looked over her shoulder, I came with the force of one thousand rockets, splurting my vampire-blend jizz into the wet hole in front of me. I sunk my fangs into the side of her neck, drinking the blend of passion and fear with a waggle of my eyebrows.
"That is all," I said, throwing the used bloodbag out the door. This surveillance system was almost as good as having Sookie beneath me. At least this way, I was able to get my own pleasure without her incessant whining about her feelings and how I "hurt her". Ungrateful, I tell you.
I didn't even bother to clean up the bloody-jizzy mess. That was what I made Pam for anyway. Besides, there was always a towel lying about somewhere to sop up the mess.
"Pamela!" I pulled on a pair of black track pants and a matching tank top – I knew what my fans enjoyed seeing me in – and ran my hand through my pristine blond hair, only half thinking of that Sookie character when I did.
"Yes, Eric?" Pam asked, teetering into the room on a pair of ridiculously high heels. (Women and their shoes!)
"What is my schedule for the evening?"
"Why?"
"Are you being insubordinate?"
"Never, Eric."
"Good. I would hate to have to cut off your clothing allowance. Or take away your monthly subscription to Dear Abby."
"Anything but that!" The look on her face is genuinely panicked. I am the master of everything around me.
"Do I have arrangements to see to this evening?"
"There is a long line of bloodbags waiting for a turn with your permaboner," she started. "And I believe Bill Compton wanted you to call him. He went to Peru you know, probably shagging llamas."
I snorted, but only because it was bound to be true. Bill Compton really was pond scum. In fact, I knew he was the worst vampire in the history of vampires. All that talk about assimilating was nothing more than a ruse, and boy oh boy, if I told Sookie about his deal with the Rattrays, I knew she'd be mine forever.
"I will be going to Bon Temps," I said, pushing back from my chair.
"But Eric. Where will I go? What will I do? There's a line of thousands out there."
"Frankly, my dear Pamela. I don't give a damn."
…
The flight to Bon Temps was quick; the wind barely ruffling my perfectly coifed hair. In no time, I stood outside of Sookie's house. I saw her through the window, doing some awkward, jerky movements that appear to be a dance of some sort. I raised my hand to knock on the door and was mere millimeters away when a noise from the woods alerted me.
I darted, lightening-speed, to its source and was surprised by what I find – well, maybe surprised isn't the right word. It wasn't terribly out of character.
"Little Willy Compton," I said, coming to a stop in front of him. He really was pathetic, hiding out in the woods like this.
"Eric," he growled, sounding like a werewolf. He smelled like one too. I covered my nose with my hand to disguise the stench.
"What are you doing?"
"I would think that would be apparent." And it was. With his pants around his ankles, and his excuse for a penis in the grip of his hand, there was no mistaking exactly what he had been doing.
"I do not mean that," I said, pointing to the motion of his hand. "I meant what are you doing hiding in the woods of Sookie's house, doing that?"
"She is mine!" he barked. His breathing sped up, tiny grunts coming out as he continued to pleasure himself. "I've been here every night since my return from Lorena. I haven't seen you here." His face distorted for a brief second before he cried out Sookie's name and collapsed on the hard ground.
Amateur.
I stepped over his body, still shaking with his unending orgasm. I counted at least thirty-two separate ejaculations. At least he was dedicated. But I do not need to deal with Bill Compton. Not when the sweet nectar of his desire – and my own – was mere steps away.
I flew to the door, raising my hand and knocking furiously. If only Sookie hadn't been so stupid as to rescind my invitation. I could be inside her house – inside her – before she knew it.
"Eric," she said as soon as the door swung open. She cocked her hip out to the side, resting a balled fist on the curve of her waist. The hem of her Bon Temps t-shirt hung just above the waist of her cutoffs, exposing enough skin to make me harder than I was before, as if that were possible. I could cut diamonds with my boner as it was. "What are you doing here?"
She didn't sound very happy to see me. We would need to work on this. I'm Eric Northman after all. She should be on her knees and blowing me by now.
"I came to tell you that Bill Compton is out in your woods."
She attempted to look over my shoulder, which was impossible since I was so big and strong.
"I don't see him."
"He's huddled on the ground," I said, pushing against the invisible barrier. "Are you going to invite me in?"
"Are you crazy?" she asked. "No way am I ever letting another vampire into my house. Not after last time."
Memories of her naked and beneath me flashed before my eyes. I would have the same tonight, of that I was sure. I might have to get creative, but that was one thing I excelled at.
"Bill Compton," I lowered my voice confidentially. "Is looking through your windows and masturbating in your woods. I came to protect you."
"Ew," she said, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "You're joking."
"I'm afraid not."
"That's sick. Who does that to someone cleaning?"
"I do not know," I said with a shrug. It was, of course, very different to fuck a bloodbag to the image of her scrubbing her toilet; I am a vampire and a sheriff (not to mention a Viking!) and sex was necessary to my very existence. It was not something dirty like jerking it in the woods. Depraved animal. "I am afraid he will come up to your porch and attempt to masturbate here. Perhaps he will make you watch him."
"I don't want to see anyone masturbating," she said. "Ever."
"I think I hear him!" I said, filling my voice with false panic. Those acting classes in LA paid off, because at the mere thought, Sookie rushes me inside and closes the door.
"I cannot believe the nerve of that man!" she screeched. "Whacking off in my front yard after leaving me for Lorena? Pfft."
"I would never leave you," I whispered. Women liked to hear things like that; I knew because I watched a lot of Lifetime movies. With Pam of course; she did so love the ones with Tori Spelling in them.
"That's kind of creepy too," she said with a look of disgust. "What have I done to attract so many gosh-danged vampires? Golly gee."
I could tell her that her blood sent me into a frenzy; that the curve of her breasts made me titanium hard; that I loved the smell of her female juices as they ran down her leg; but that hadn't worked out for me so last time.
"You are irresistible, Sookie Stackhouse."
She rolled her eyes, turned around and began heading to the kitchen. "Would you care for a TrueBlood, Eric? I think I still have some rolling about in my refrigerator from last time you were here."
"Sure."
Lies.
I didn't want TrueBlood; I wanted Sookie blood; and Sookie juice. Why didn't she know that? I would need to bond with her, then I could force my will upon her; that was all there was to it.
I watched, motionless, as she put the bottle of blood in the microwave and turned it on.
"How have you been, Eric?"
"Miserable without you."
"Very funny."
"You complete me." Hah! That little scientologist had used that line and it had worked rather well for him.
"Eric."
"You had me at hello?"
"Stop!"
"Sookie." I used my vampire speed to move to her, stopping only when my face was inches from hers.
"What?" she asked, breathlessly. Despite her protests, I could smell her arousal at my nearness. That's right folks, Eric Northman has got it going on.
"I just want to fuck you and bite you and rub myself all over you."
"Really?" she practically chokes.
"Really," I nodded. "Would you like that?"
"I…um…" she trailed off. I could hear the rapidly increasing beat of her heart. She wanted me.
"Sookie," I whispered, baring my fangs and resting my forehead against hers. "Shall we go to your bedroom?"
I did not give her a chance to respond, swooping her up Rhett Butler style (it is her favorite movie after all) and carrying her into her bedroom.
"Strip for me," I insisted.
"What?" she asked, shaking her head. "No. I shouldn't. I-"
I interrupted her by slashing my wrist open and shoving the flowing blood into her open mouth.
"Eric!" she shrieked, trying to pull away. I used my other hand to hold her head still. Her protests quickly turned into moans of gratification. Vampire blood straight from the source was the single most effective method to getting her to bend to my will; I would need to remember that.
"Oh Eric," she said when she finally pulled away. Her eyes were glazed over, and a large smile plastered across her face.
"Strip for me," I repeated, and sat back as she did exactly as I asked. It was pure pleasure to watch her, knowing that Bill Compton could see what was unfolding, and knowing that my surveillance system was capturing all of this for my later viewing pleasure.
I stopped her when she got down to the white industrial sized panties she was wearing. "Let me," I instructed, tucking my thumbs inside the elastic and shredding them off her body.
I caught her as her knees weakened, pulling her now naked body to me.
"Hello lover," I mumbled.
"Eric," she pleaded, "Now."
Never one to disappoint, I removed my clothes in lightning speed and rammed my gracious plenty into her. The juices flowing from between her legs could only be equated to Victoria Falls.
"Eric!" she moaned.
I smirked and began to waggle my eyebrows as I pumped into her, harder and faster. She liked it rough, no doubt about it, and I could jackhammer her like no other. Next time I would have to bring the bondage gear Pam got me for Christmas, but for now I would need to make do with my natural talents and abilities, which were plentiful.
Unable to wait any longer, I sunk my teeth into her flesh, drinking the sweet nectar of her body.
"Bite me," I instructed, lifting my mouth from her neck and tracing my tongue around the marks I'd left before sinking back in.
"What?" she asked dazedly.
"Bite me," I repeated, not bothering to lift my fangs.
"How is that possible?" she asked. "My neck doesn't bend that way."
I counted to one-thousand (vampire speed) in my head. She wasn't the smartest woman I had ever been with, but I couldn't deny her appeal. I lifted my head and bent her neck into the appropriate position, forcing her to bite and drink from me, and then go-go gadgeted my own neck to accommodate the double bite. It was incredibly sexy, naturally.
At the pull of her lips against my neck, I exploded, sending buckets of semen into her dripping vagina. The power of my seed pouring into her was enough to send her over the edge, and she began milking me like a dairy farmer.
I left her with a kiss on her forehead when she finally succumbed to slumber, taking her discarded t-shirt and torn underwear with me for later use. It felt good to leave her like this – fully sated and not angry for once.
…
"What do you mean, she is at work?" I demanded, flinging my stapler at Pam's head as she relayed the news. It had been three weeks since Sookie and I had rekindled our relationship. She had finally come to her senses and agreed to fuck me on a regular basis. That meant that she had sex with no one else, which was how I liked it. She had a hard time understanding that sating the bloodbags of Area 5 was part of my duty as Sheriff, but she was slowly coming around.
"She's at work," Pam repeated. "She said she would call you when she had her break."
"Why is she still working?" I growled. "I sent her a text telling her to quit her job."
"You know how independent she is," Pam replied, with a roll of her eyes. She raised her voice, drawing out her vowels in imitation of Sookie's southern accent. "I can take care of myself. You tell Eric that I'm keeping my job."
"Insubordinate woman!"
"She does have beautiful breasts though."
This was true.
"Do not think about my woman's breasts!" I command. Only I should do that. And I did. All the time. I had watched the video collage Bobby had assembled of us together three times since rising from my dead time. It wasn't the same as being there in her, but it would have to do until I could go and see her again, or better yet, get her to come and see me.
"Try to get her on the phone again."
"She won't talk to you."
"Pamela!" I growled.
She walked towards my desk, picking up the receiver and dialing a series of numbers that was undoubtedly Merlotte's main line.
"Merlotte's, where our bark is worse than your bite," Sookie's familiar voice said after two rings.
"Lover," I grunted. I did not like that shifter's attempt at humor. Everyone knew a bite was worse than a bark. Imbecile.
"Eric?"
"Who else would call you lover?" I demanded. There was no way she would dare dream of taking another lover after me. As they say, Once you've gone a Viking, everyone else can take a hiking.
"I thought I told Pam that I was busy at work and couldn't talk."
"That's what I'm calling you about. What are you doing at work? I thought I told you to quit your job."
"And I thought I told you that I need money, Eric," she huffed. "I have bills to pay."
"I have money. I told you I'd share." I was not going to get frustrated. I tried not to forget that women in this day and age had the misguided belief that independence was important. I hoped this "women's liberation" movement ended soon. I wished it were like it used to be, where I could keep my pets naked and in my bed.
"Eric. I can't just take your money."
"Why not?"
"Because then I'd be no better than a prostitute sleeping with you for money."
"Why would it matter? You're going to have sex with me anyway. Then you wouldn't be tired from work. I do not want to come to your house and have you too tired to fuck, Sookie. That was unacceptable last night."
"Eric!" I could sense her blush from a distance. "I can't talk about this with you right now."
"Why not?"
"I've got to go." And then she hung up on me. She. Hung. Up. On. Me. If only I wasn't addicted to her intoxicating blood. This type of defiance would require a beheading at the very least.
"Pamela, I want you to go visit Sookie later tonight. You must make her understand how important it is to be at my beck and call. Perhaps she will understand it better coming from a woman." It was apparent she wasn't going to understand it coming from me.
"Of course, Eric."
…
Two hours later, at precisely midnight, I turned my attention away from the latest in a string of bloodbags and looked at the monitors that dominated the far wall of my office. The image of Sookie walking through her door, a look of frustration on her face, filled the tiny screen that monitored her living room.
"Get out," I barked, kicking the half naked fangbanger out the door.
I quickly turned on the surround sound and seated myself in the lazy boy Pam had position for my viewing pleasure last week. She had thankfully seen the error of her ways in the arrangement of the monitors, and had come to this solution. She was forever doing things incorrectly, but perhaps she would make up for her behavior with her mission tonight.
"Come on in, Pam," Sookie said, turning back to face the front door.
"What a lovely place you have here," Pam replied sarcastically, coming into view.
"Thank you," Sookie said, clearly misinterpreting Pam's tone. "Would you care for a TrueBlood? I went and picked up some A positive last night. I know it's one of Eric's favorites." I smiled as a delicious blush crawled up Sookie's neck. I could almost see the blood flowing through her veins at her neck, and my fangs immediately extend.
"Oh no," Pam said, with a look of disgust. "I never drink synthetic." She moved closer to Sookie, reaching out and smoothing her hand over Sookie's back.
"Oh," Sookie frowned. "Um. Okay. Well, what can I do you for then?"
Pam looked directly into one of the hidden cameras and quirked her eyebrow at me. She was trying my patience, and would be rewarded with a night on the rack if she kept this up.
"Now that you're dating my maker-"
"I don't know that we're 'dating' necessarily," Sookie replied, her blush growing over her chest.
"Fucking him," Pam shrugged. "Whatever you call it. Now that you're with him, I thought it was time we became friends."
"Friends?" Sookie asked incredulously. "I don't really know…"
"Abby says you must be friends with your in-laws," Pam nodded. "And we're as close to that as we can be now that you're sleeping with my master."
"Oh um… well, I guess we can try to be friends," Sookie started. "Would you like to take a seat?"
Pam looked at the furniture in the living room with disgust, gingerly walking around the sofa and taking a seat, avoiding the hideous blanket that covered the back of the couch. That blanket would need to be burned, along with the rest of Sookie's belongings. I had already contracted someone to build her a new house, more to her taste, and one that a vampire of my position could be seen in.
"Eric informed me that you two have been having lots of sex. He says it's quite enjoyable."
"He did?" Sookie frowned. "That's a bit weird."
"Not at all. A maker and his child share everything."
"What did he tell you?"
"Not nearly enough," Pam scoffed. "You would think after nearly two decades that he would understand my insatiable need for descriptions of sex."
Sookie looked relieved, as I knew she would. There was something about Sookie that made me want to keep this private. She was not another fangbanger whose exploits I wanted to share with the world.
"That's why I came here to talk to you."
"What's why you came here to talk to me?" Sookie asked with a furrowed brow.
"I was hoping you would tell me details," Pam nodded with a smirk.
"Details?"
"Yes. Details. Lots of juicy details. It has been forever since I saw Eric's gracious plenty, or any penis for that matter. I would love nothing more than for an account of everything."
"You've seen Eric's…erm… gracious plenty?"
"Of course," Pam nodded. "Only in the beginning. It's been at least a century since I saw it up close."
"Oh."
"Tell me, is it still as veiny as it used to be?"
I smirked as Sookie's eyebrows raised to her hairline.
"Veiny?"
"Yes. And well, he was the only man I ever slept with, so I don't know if this is usually the case, but…did you find it quite painful? Or is my hole just smaller than normal?"
"I…uh…don't think we should talk about this."
"Why not? I have seen Sex in the City. Everyone knows that girls talk about this. And, let's face it, I've been alive forever. I get bored. I need new images to keep my juices flowing down there. Give me detail."
"Pam!" Sookie shook her head. "I am not going to tell you details. That's gross."
"It is not. It is hot. In fact, I think you should write it down for me. That way when I am alone with my permaboner replica, I can read it and imagine it happening to me."
"It's not hot," Sookie said. "It's disgusting. Why would you want to know that?"
"You're being ridiculous. God. You are so rude Sookie. And such a tease."
"Is this really what you came to talk to me about?" Sookie asked, crossing her arms over her delectable chest.
"Of course not! I just thought you would understand the importance of sharing the details. Apparently I'm wrong and you're evil."
"I am not evil," Sookie retorted. "And you'd better tell me what you're here for, or I'll rescind your ass straight out the door, no matter who your maker is."
I was on the edge of my seat. I had to admit, there was something hot about watching these two women fight over my sex life. I wondered if they'd be up for some Jell-o wrestling later, though of course the downside of that would be that Pam would kill Sookie, no questions asked. Perhaps that wasn't the best idea if I wanted to get into Sookie's lady cave any time soon.
"Fine," Pam huffed. "But thanks to you I have these blue walls."
"I'm sure you can figure something out with your…what is a permaboner replica anyway?"
"It's a mold of Eric's gracious plenty," Pam growled. "We sell them at Fangtasia."
"You sell dildos that are supposed to be Eric's…thingy?"
"Yes," Pam nodded. "They are quite popular, and not only with the ladies."
"I don't even want to know." I laughed as Sookie dismissed the conversation with a wave of her hand and a shudder. Pam wasn't used to having anyone but me order her around.
"Abby says one must always be gracious to one's hostess," Pam said after a moment. "Even if she is the world's biggest cockblock."
"You don't have a cock!" Sookie pointed out.
No, I was the only one around here who had a cock, and a massive cock at that.
"What is it Pam?" Sookie asked, sitting defensively in her chair.
"Fine. Eric wanted me to see why you still were keeping that ridiculous job with the mutt."
The change in Sookie's demeanor was visible. I could spot the moment she changed from passive annoyance to straight up anger. Only, I didn't realize it was directed at me until too late.
"That overbearing idiot!"
The shock that was plastered on my face matched that of Pam's.
"Are you daring to call my maker an idiot?"
"No," Sookie barked. "I am calling my…whatever he is…an idiot. A big, fat, stupid, dopey idiot! How dare he think he can manage my life for me! And to send you?" Sookie stood up and began pacing back and forth. "What in the heck was he thinking? Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea. See if he ever gets this again."
My attention – and painful attention that it was – focused on those last words of hers. She dared to threaten to cut off our sexytime love fests because I, Eric Northman, was trying to better her life? That I was willing to take her out of the redneck dive bar and bestow upon her the honor of being my partner; my bonded? I felt the rage begin to boil through the bond – though I couldn't tell you if it was hers or mine.
"What the hell?" she asked, her voice pulling my attention back to the monitor. "Why in the heck do I feel like I am feeling things that aren't my own?"
"That'd be the bond," Pam said drolly.
"The what?"
"The bond." She looked at Sookie as if she were stupid; well…I guess that's not even an "as if." "You know, you exchanged blood with Eric a number of times and now you're bound together for eternity?" Pam couldn't have sounded more bored.
"Are you kidding me?"
Pam shook her head. "Why would I joke about something like that? It is a privilege and an honor for you bloodbags to be bound to any vampire, much less the Viking Vampire Perpetual Sex God that is my maker. You have the opportunity to be a kept woman, and you spit in his face? You should be showing your gratitude of such an honor, not defying him; not making a mockery of his very existence."
"Excuse me?" Sookie looked outraged; I was glued to the television.
"That's right. You go around acting as if you have your own goals; your own life. Don't you know that none of that matters once Eric Northman enters your life?"
Sookie sat back down on the sofa, clearly in awe of what Pamela told her. Perhaps she was finally seeing the error of her ways. Pamela was right; Sookie should be showing me her gratitude. She could start by kneeling under my desk and giving me the world's best blow job (and don't worry, I'd be more than happy to share with you the details of every lick and slurp – I was not a cock tease. Or a vagina tease. I would recount every single groan, and possibly sell the tape to TMZ.)
I was just about to pick up the phone and make that suggestion when Sookie started to talk – no, yell.
"Why should I give up my life?" she started slowly. "Why should I change anything for that matter? He's the one that pursued me. He's the one that apparently liked me as I was."
"Of course he did," Pam said, quickly trying to reassure her. One of Pam's best qualities was her ability to defuse a situation, and she was even better at stopping the problem before it blew out of proportion. "It's just…well, everyone knows that you have to adjust to keep your partner interested. If Eric wants something, you have to remember that he is a 1,000 year old vampire; you don't want to bore him, do you?"
"I don't want to do anything with him right now!" Sookie growled.
"Now that's not true, and we both know it. No one could possibly turn down the greatness that is Eric Northman."
I heard Sookie grumble something that sounded suspiciously like "I could", but write that off as a bad connection on the sound system.
"You have to work hard to keep someone like Eric interested in someone like…you."
"I haven't done much to keep his attention on me, and I sure as hell haven't been able to shake him."
"Eric likes a challenge," Pam said, trying to soothe Sookie. "But now that he's won you, you must know that it's your duty to keep him."
"Is that so?" Sookie asked with a quirk of her eyebrow.
"Yes," Pam nods. "Many women have tried before, but none have been successful."
"That's encouraging."
"Oh don't be disheartened, Sookie. It is far from hopeless!" Pam smiled, over brightly. "I have never seen him as interested in a female as he is in you. But," she looked over her shoulder at the camera quickly, then looked back at Sookie. "Perhaps you should resort to some tricks to keep him."
"Tricks?" Sookie asked with a crazed laugh. "Pray tell, what kind of tricks should I do?"
"There is something with ping-pong balls that is quite-"
"No."
"Fine," Pam huffed. "I did see him interested in one of those pony shows down in Mexico."
"I am not doing ANYTHING with an animal, Pam."
"Alright…" Pam trailed off. "How about anal sex?"
"What is it with you vampires and anal sex? God," Sookie shook her head. So she was still being stubborn about that. We'd have to see what I could do to convince her otherwise. "No. No butt sex."
"You could always do some anal play with him," Pam pointed out, at which point my butt wiggled gleefully. I reached down and began to rub it; it wouldn't do to have my ass so excited over something that wasn't likely to happen with Sookie.
"I am not sticking my hand anywhere near his asshole."
"It doesn't have to be your hand. In fact, I believe he prefers your mouth anyway."
"Gross! Stop talking about anything related to that. I'm not doing any of it!"
"Fine." Pam slunk down in her seat, something I hadn't seen her do since the Roaring 20s. "Abby did say something about a situation similar to this once that might help."
"Abby? Is that one of the vampires at Fangtasia?"
"No," Pam rolled her eyes. "Abby. The columnist. The smartest person alive – vampires don't count of course, as they aren't technically alive. Of course we're smarter than Abby."
"Are you talking Dear Abby again?" Sookie asked with a sigh.
"That's the one," Pam replied, tapping her nose with her forefinger. "There was a woman who was afraid her man was cheating on her and asked for Abby's advice. And Abby, wise woman that she is, suggested that the woman get pregnant. By accident of course. Perhaps you can get pregnant."
"Me?" Sookie asked, her eyes bulging. "Get pregnant? With Eric?"
"Who else?"
A vision of Sookie's vampire Halfling babies flashed before my eyes, and I find myself smiling before I can stop myself. While it had been eons since a vampire baby was born, it wasn't entirely out of the question. There were ways to get it done; favors to be called in with magical entities. And if Sookie were heavy with my child, then I could finally live out my Ready to Drop fetish. This idea sounded better and better.
"How in the hell am I supposed to get pregnant with a vampire baby? And…more importantly…why in the hell would I want to have a baby with Eric? He's hot and all; he's got a great body and he certainly knows what he's doing in bed, but that's not enough reason to have a baby. Even if it were possible."
"First things first," Pam said. "I am sure that we could speak to that little witch friend of yours…what's her name again?"
"Amelia?"
"Yes," Pam's eyes glazed over and she licked her lips. "Amelia. Delectable creature, that. I am sure she wouldn't mind if I asked her to recount her sexual exploits in explicit detail."
"Are we going back to that?" Sookie huffed.
"No. No, we're not. But she's a witch right? Perhaps she could work some magic mumbo-jumbo and figure out a way. Like a hole in a condom."
"We don't use condoms," Sookie said. I couldn't help but smile.
"You don't?" Pam asked with a smirk. "How does it feel to have him filling you to the brim? Your body pulsating around him?"
"Are you kidding me?"
I was hoping she'd answer the question myself, but not my Sookie. Perhaps she'd tell me in private; perhaps she'd show me what she does when she thinks about me at night, not that I don't know already. I've seen the feed of her on the surveillance system.
"You are no fun. But yes, a baby. Then I could throw you one of those…what are they called? Where it rains babies?"
"A baby shower?" Pam nodded. "It's not literally a baby shower. It's where people bring the baby gifts."
"Oh," Pam frowned. "That's not nearly as fun as I imagined, but yes, I suppose I could do that too."
"I don't want a baby," Sookie said.
"Who cares what you want?" Pam asked. "If that's how you can hold onto Eric; to keep him from straying because you are too stubborn to keep him sexually satisfied and adventurous, then that's what you must do."
"I keep him plenty satisfied," Sookie said defiantly. It was true; at least so far.
"So say you. But how am I to know unless you document it?"
"It's none of your business. And totally weird that you care."
"I care about everything my maker cares about," Pam said. "And for some reason, he has decided that he cares about you."
Sookie sat back in her chair, resting her hands on her thighs for a moment. "He does?"
"Yes. For whatever reason he does, though you clearly do not deserve him."
"He cares for me?" Sookie asked again. I felt a twinge of something in my chest; it must've been heartburn. That last fangbanger tasted heavily of hot sauce. It had been disgusting.
"I swear, you are slow sometimes. You do speak English, correct?"
"I don't know what to say."
"Perhaps you should say thank you to the gods for bringing Eric into your life," Pam suggested. It was a good idea. Some called me a God; she could say thank you to me over and over.
When Sookie didn't say anything, Pam stood up, cocking her hip to the side and displaying the length of her leg and strappy heel to its advantage.
"Think about it," Pam said. "Eric would appreciate a good tribute from you. And if you were pregnant then…"
"Then what?" Sookie asked as Pam made a beeline for the door. "Where are you going?"
"To tell that mutt boss of yours that you're trying to get pregnant and will not be coming back." The door slammed shut behind Pam before Sookie could stop her, and I watched as the tension rose in Sookie's body; it was mirrored by waves of frustration coming through the bond. Even if I hadn't installed the cameras, I would know that there was something wrong with Sookie.
My phone rang not five seconds later, with Sookie screaming like an indecipherable banshee. The last time I'd heard her this loud was two nights ago when I fucked her on top of a cloud (one of the perks of flying.)
"Calm down lover," I instruct, sending calming waves through the bond.
"Calm down?" she asked. "Calm down? Your minion was just here. Do you have any idea what she suggested?"
"No." I was good at playing dumb.
"She suggested I try to get pregnant with your vampire baby to keep you around. How ridiculous is that?"
"It's…yeah…ridiculous." If by ridiculous, you meant a brilliant plan.
"And then she has the nerve to run off and tell Sam I'm quitting my job."
"I thought we agreed that you'd quit your job," I pointed out.
"I did no such thing."
"Sure you did. I asked you if you'd stop working there and you said yes, you'd do anything."
"Two seconds before you give me an orgasm doesn't count," she huffed. "It's manipulative."
"I am a vampire Sookie, and a sheriff. That's part of the territory."
"Yeah, well… I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it."
It was. Of course it was. There is only one Eric Northman. She couldn't resist the permaboner.
AN: This (as with all the other permaboner stories) is unbeta'd and meant in good humor. Thanks to PMR for sending me enough material to put yet another chapter together; pfloogs for listening to me whine and complain; and seasonblogs for the title and for taming the arousal a wee bit
To everyone else – thanks for reading the bone. I hope you got a few good laughs out of it. And…if you, like me… get a little put off by the ubiquitous, saintly Eric who can do no wrong and the devil he is in love with, might I point you in the direction of the Saint Eric writing contest? More information can be found on the SaintEric fanfiction profile page.