"Left Behind"

Chapter 4

New blood joins this earth

And quickly he's subdued

Through constant pained disgrace

The young boy learns their rules

- The Unforgiven, Metallica

Tal slept very fitfully. He now had a new sort of discomfort to contend with. His body seemed to be healing just fine, and his keen senses were returning. Almost too much. He now seemed to be hyperaware of Tess' when she was around. He was very aware of when she touched his skin to check his bandages. His skin seemed to tingle in the wake of her touch. He was aware of her scent, and it made him wonder how he smelled. He was sure he smelled terrible after just lying in bed all this time. He'd have to ask Tess about taking a shower. He was sure he could stand long enough to shower now. He certainly didn't want the droid in the shower with him. And, even the mere thought of Tess in the shower with him helping him bathe was instantly overwhelming. He tried to think of something technical and difficult, like an extra engineering class he'd taken at Kamino, since he liked techie stuff. He was supposed to have gotten a special certification that would have entitled him to a promotion, but then all hell broke loose, and they were all deployed early by the Jedi to Geonosis, and none of it ever came to fruition. Still, it calmed him during difficult times, thinking of all those extra engineering steps. He ran through them in his mind now. Yes, much better than other matters, such as thinking about calibrating my... No! No! Blast it! He rolled over in bed, trying to adjust the sheets to hide his painful erection. More and more, he found himself spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about Tess, when he should be thinking about other things, like getting back to his unit.

Clones who didn't report for duty were shot. It wasn't officially written down anywhere, of course. But, Tal knew it as well as any clone. He knew what would happen to him if he didn't go back. He knew the stories... the stories were clone legend now... it all started two years ago... First, there were stories of brothers were quietly slipping away and leaving the GAR. Wow! Leave the GAR! After all, clones learned extremely quickly. Clones were smarter and stronger than average humans. It seemed there were unlimited possibilities with regards to other jobs, then... There were rumors that clones were not sterile, after all, either, as originally thought. Soon, there were whispered conversations in every AT-AT, every bunker, every barrack, all the brothers were quietly discussing the concept of "life outside the GAR." What had seemed so mind-boggling at Kamino didn't seem so crazy any longer. Why couldn't clones hold the same jobs as other men, especially if we were smarter and stronger? And, fertile? Shouldn't we be able to plough our seed, too? It was very shortly after this that the dark rumors began... furtive whispers of brothers shooting brothers... specially-trained ARCs tracking down and taking out the deserters. Clones who left the army were not brought back. They were not given a second chance. The message was clear. The only way to leave the GAR was in a body bag. The conversations about "life outside the GAR" quieted down and became the stuff of fantasy again, replaced one again by talk of bolo scores, and Twilek girls.

Tal lay awake in the middle of the night, just staring into the darkness. Would that be so bad? Every friend he'd ever had was already dead. Could they really still hold this over his head as a threat anymore? The dark ARCs? The mysterious black-armored brothers who came in the dead of night and took out other brothers?

Well, whether he cared or not, there was still this part of Tal that just felt a sense of duty. He couldn't explain it logically. It was just this thing that was deeply embedded and manifested inside of him. It kept him going, past all sane and rational point. He was a soldier. It was his duty to go back. He had to get his helmet back, restore communications, call in, and arrange to be picked up. That's all. Simple. Logical. He'd ask Tess about the rest of his kit. He vaguely remembered he had at least some of it with him when he arrived. Having arrived at a plan, he tried to settle his mind down and go back to sleep. But, sleep was a long time in coming. When he thought of leaving, he felt this odd pang that he couldn't explain at all.

# # #

When he awoke, morning light was peeking through the windows. He looked toward the kitchen, hoping to see Tess in the kitchen drinking her customary cup of morning tea. But, the kitchen was empty. Tal squelched a feeling of disappointment. He glanced around the house, hoping she was still around. But, the house was empty, except for the droid. Tal could see from the indicator light on the droid that it had been switched on. He caught sight of a flimsi note on the small table next to his bedside.

Had to get an early start. Hopefully you can manage this on your own. I might be late. OneOne is activated, should you need anything. - Tess.

There was a generous plate full of dried fruit, and several bottles of water on the table. Tal just stared at it for a long time, as if by staring alone he could make it go away and conjure up Tess instead. After a while, he sighed. Yesterday, he was grumbling because Tess was still feeding him. Today, he was unhappy because Tess wasn't there to feed him. He slowly pushed himself to a seated position, and grabbed one of the bottles of water. As he stared out the window, he noticed another storm was rolling in. Tess would be working out in the rain again. This bothered him, for reasons he couldn't quite figure out. Even though he worked out in all manner of inclement weather, it was different when it was Tess.

After he finished the water, he reached for the plate of fruit, being careful of his ribs. He chewed the fruit slowly, appreciating the sour, tangy taste. He guessed that this must be the same purplish fruit he would see hanging from trees all over the planet. He would often take refuge behind these trees, during the constant engagement with the Separatists. The trees had very thick trunks, and made for good cover. He hadn't realized they also made for such good eating. He actually felt a bit bad now for how many of the trees he'd inadvertently destroyed.

After breakfast, he asked OneOne to help him to the refresher. He was even civil to the droid, which he considered an accomplishment. Out of boredom, more than anything, he lay back down and slept for several more hours. Eventually, his body just couldn't sleep anymore. So, he spent the rest of the afternoon just staring out the window at the rain. He wondered about his unit, and how they were faring with all this rain. He thought about the different times he and Cooper had taken shelter in rocky outcroppings and burnt-out buildings. As they waited for bad weather to pass, they'd just talk about anything and everything. Tal missed those long talks with Cooper. Tal looked around the farmhouse room, and sighed. Cooper had wanted something like this. This was Cooper's dream. He wanted more than just being a medic all his life. He wanted a family one day. Tal had told him that such a thing was impossible. Clones didn't have families, outside of their brothers. But, Cooper didn't buy into the threat of the "black ARCs" the way Tal did. Cooper refused to accept it. He told Tal that nothing was impossible, and that after the war was over, he was going to have a family. Tal just shook his head and laughed at him, calling him crazy. Cooper looked at him, a little sadly then, and asked Tal what he thought was going to happen to them. Tal just shrugged, and said: "Just more of the same, Coop. Just this. Fighting. Soldiering. A meal at the end of the day. And, that's it. That is all there for us."

"And, then?" Cooper had prompted.

"And, then, what?" Tal looked at him, in confusion.

"What are we going to do, after we're done doing this, Tal?"

"We won't be doing anything, Coop! We'll be dead! There is nothing else for us! We fight, and we die, that's all there is for us," Tal insisted, "to think any different is..." Tal put up his hands, not having the words to verbalize, "is...", finally, he came up with, "...hopeless. There is no future for any of us clones!"

Tal had never forgotten the sad look Cooper had given him, "You have no hope for any kind of future, then, brother? None?"

"We're clones, Coop! We don't have futures!" Tal was starting to get annoyed with Cooper, for his inability to understand to come to grips with the reality of their existence.

"So, what do you live for then, Tal?" Cooper asked, in his maddeningly calm way.

Tal stared at Cooper, the question making him uncomfortable, "I don't know, Coop!" Tal sighed, in exasperation, wishing they could talk about something else. This topic was giving him a headache, "I've never given the matter that much thought. Can we talk about engineering stress points instead? Come on, you like talking about engineering. Let's talk about that, instead."

"No, Tal. We're talking about this. If you have no hope for any kind of future, then what is it that makes you duck when they say 'Incoming?' Why don't you just step in the path of the next incoming blast? Wouldn't that make more sense?"

Tal just stared at Cooper, as if he'd gone mad, "No, that makes no sense at all! Coop, that would be-"

"Suicide," Cooper finished for him, "that's what people who have no hope for the future do. But, you don't do that, then, well, so why is it that you don't do that?" Cooper wasn't being sarcastic. He was still using his normal calm-Cooper voice, like he did when he was trying to get Tal to realize something important. But, Tal wasn't having any part of it today.

"I don't know!" Tal shouted, now getting truly annoyed with Cooper, "maybe it's just because I've been trained to duck! Maybe it's because I've been trained to do this stuff from the moment I became coherent and aware in the gestation pod. Or, maybe it's just instinct. Something they drilled into us clones, or genetically-coded into us, or something, so we react automatically. Like following orders. They tell us to pull the trigger, and we pull it automatically. Boom. No thinking required. It's all just shabla training, and instinct. We're just clones, Coop. Nothing more. You expect too much of us sometimes, brother."

"And, you expect too little, Tal. As smart as you are. You would have been a combat engineer if not for Geonosis. You know that," Cooper said, shaking his head, "I think it's more than that. I think there's a part of you, Tal, that wants more out of this life. Just like I do. You just haven't come to terms with it, yet."

"What's there to get, Coop? There is nothing for us!" Tal stood up quickly, cursing as his head bashed on the low ceiling of the outcropping where'd they taken shelter.

"Watch that, low ceiling," Cooper quipped.

"Hah, you're funny," Tal responded, sarcastically. He stalked out into the rain.

"Hey! Where you going?" Cooper called after him.

"Away!" Tal yelled over his shoulder, "away from you, and your crazy ideas!" Tal stopped then, and turned to face Cooper, "if anyone is going to get themselves killed, it's you, Coop. You've got your head so filled with these crazy ideas, you won't even notice when something is Incoming! There is no future, Coop. This is all there is for us," Tal spread his arms wide as the rain beat down on him, "We don't get any more than this. I don't know why you don't just get that!"

Tal will never forget the hurt look Cooper gave him then. He couldn't bear it, so he just left Cooper there, and found someplace else to wait out the rain. When he saw Cooper again, they didn't speak of it. Just three weeks later, they were deployed to Agamar.

Tal watched the fat droplets of rain bead up on the farmhouse window before snaking down to the bottom. Cooper was the one who wanted a future. Tal looked around the warm, welcoming farmhouse room again. He was the one who wanted to survive the war. Why was Tal here instead? Why had Tal survived? It wasn't right. The universe just wasn't fair. Cooper was the good one, not him. He was the one who was always going around saving lives - the one everybody liked. Yet, they still left Cooper behind on Agamar.

Tal squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them again, he felt something hot and wet eking out the corner of his eyes. He put his fingers up to the corner of his eyes. Tears? He quickly wiped them away. More appeared in their place. Clones didn't cry. Did they? The tears continued to eek out, and after a while, Tal gave up trying to wipe them away. Fine. Maybe clones did cry. But, just this once.

# # #

Tal awoke when he heard the sound of the door opening. Instinctively, he reached for his blaster. It wasn't there. He'd have to talk to Tess about getting his blaster back.

Tess walked in, soaked, and exhausted-looking. Tal looked out the window. It was already early evening. Tal didn't even remember falling asleep.

"Hey," she said, looking over to Tal. "I'm going to get changed, and then I'll fix you something to eat." She was carrying a small bundle under one arm.

Tal felt bad that exhausted as she was, she had to wait on him. It didn't seem right. He felt like he did when he was with Cooper. Always the weaker one in the bunch.

"Can I prepare the rations, Tess?" he offered, pushing himself to a sitting position. He had no idea how to do such a thing. But, she looked like she needed rest. Maybe with some clone ingenuity, he could figure out prepared food in a civilian kitchen.

Tess smiled at him, "No, Tal. Maybe in a few days. I don't think you should be up and about yet."

Tal's disappointment must have showed on his face, because Tess came right over to him. "Hey, there, now, come on, I know this is hard. But, look, I brought you something."

"You did?" Tal looked at the cloth bag in confusion. No one had ever given him anything before.

"Uh, well, don't get too excited, it actually belongs to you," Tess said, as she handed him the bag, then she looked uncertain, "maybe you don't even want it back, I don't know..."

Tal's face lit up, and he reached for the bag. Tess smiled at his enthusiasm, handing it over. Tal hefted the cloth bag, noted its' shape. Even without opening it, he exclaimed: "My helmet! Tess, you brought me my helmet!"

Tess smiled at his enthusiasm, "Oh, good, you did want it back then," then she looked uncertain then, "Tal, it's damaged. Badly. I hope you're not disappointed."

Tal fumbled with the drawstring one-handed, trying to tuck the bag under one arm so he could open the bag with the other. Tess reached over and opened the bag for him, "I broke my hand once," she said, smoothly, understandingly, "I remember what a pain it was trying to do everything with just the one hand." Tal shot her a grateful look, trying not to be affected by the close-proximity of her as she leaned in so close to him. He tried to resist the temptation to breathe in her scent, but she was just so close. He inhaled, forgetting temporarily about the helmet. Ah, an earthy scent he'd come to uniquely associate with Tess.

"-with that crack down the back, I was not sure if it was worth bringing it back. But, I figure I'd check with you anyway."

Wait, Tess was talking to him. Tal turned his attention to listening to what Tess was saying.

"Uh, no, this is great. Thanks, Tess," Tal said, trying to pick up on the conversation. He tried to slide the helmet out of the bag, but also found it difficult one-handed. The wet cloth bag clung to the helmet. Tal tried to wedge the bag under his injured arm, to hold it still, so he could get his helmet out. Tess leaned in again to help. OK, perhaps he could have managed to get it out if he'd kept trying, but being that Tess was so close-by and seemed so inclined to help...

"Here, let me get that for you," Tess said, leaning right over him again. Tal did his best to hide his smile as her body brushed right up against his. Tal decided he liked presents.

Tess finished working the helmet out of the bag, and presented it to Tal, "Well, here it is," she said, almost shyly.

"Thank you," Tal said, with utmost sincerity, accepting it from Tess. He wasn't looking at the helmet, so much as he was looking at Tess. Both her hair and her clothes were plastered to her skin, and she had deep lines under her eyes. Tal still thought she looked absolutely beautiful. He smiled at her, "It was very kind of you, Tess, to bring this back for me."

Tess smiled at him, happily, the smile completely lighting up her features, "Well, I'm glad then," she looked down at the helmet and then frowned, "I just wish it was in better condition."

Tal finally took a look at the helmet. It was worse than he thought it would be, but not as bad as in the vivid dreams that plagued him. There was an enormous crack starting at the top, and running all the way down the back, almost cleaving the helmet in two. Tal held up one hand to the back of his head, running his hand over the area that was still tender over a week, (was it longer, he wondered?), since he fell from the larty.

He felt Tess place her hand gently on top of his, touching the back of his head. He looked up at her.

"It's amazing you survived a blow to the head like this," Tess said, quietly, almost reverently. They both looked down at the helmet again. Tal's hand dropped from the back of his head, down onto his broken helmet. But, Tess' hand stayed up there, and began gently playing with his hair again. Tal wondered if she realized she was doing it. She seemed to enjoy playing with hair.

"Does it bother you, when I do this?" Tess asked, after a moment, her fingers curling around his ear.

Tal looked back up at her, their gazes holding for a moment. He shook his head.

"Good, because it's good for circulation," Tess murmured, her fingers still wandering around, "speeds healing."

Tal smiled, his attention on his helmet. He turned it every which way, inspecting it, but for just a moment he had the playful smile of a man who thought a woman might find him a bit attractive, too.

"What?" she said, looking at him, as her fingers still wandered playfully, "you don't believe me? Massage is proven very powerful for healing." Her hands massaged his neck, and then back up into his hair.

But, Tal's full attention was on his helmet now.

"Hmmmmm?" he said, peering carefully inside his helmet.

"Are you even listening to me?" Tess murmured, as she continued to gently rub his ears, and tickle his hair.

Tal wasn't. He inspected the visor. Remarkably, the visor was still intact. Well, the helmet had done its' job, and prevented his head from being split in two. He was definitely going to need a new helmet when he got back to his unit. Why did that thought give him such a sinking feeling in his stomach? Or, was that just what Tess was doing with his hair? But, with the visor still intact, were some of the electronics inside still working? Tal continued to inspect his helmet, looking at it from every angle. (sigh) He did like it when Tess rubbed his neck like that... With all the recent rain, Tal wondered how much moisture had gotten inside of it. The helmets were supposed to be somewhat moisture resistant, however they were meant to be sealed up with the rest of the suit. So, theoretically, water was never supposed to actually get inside the helmet. But, with spit, blood, sweat, sneezes, and every other kind of bodily emission, (barf), (AT-TE rollovers), the electronics did sometimes get thoroughly doused. So, even though it had been raining-

"Tal... Tal?"

It took Tal a moment to realize Tess was calling him. He finally looked up at her.

She nodded her head toward the helmet, but didn't take her hands off from massaging his head, "I'm sorry I didn't bring it sooner, Tal. I should have realized how important it would be to you."

"Huh? No... this is great," Tal murmured, still distracted, "I was somewhat, uh," he paused, as he carefully studied a circuit in the light, "uh, unconscious, uh, anyway for a while there."

Tess removed her hands from his head. Tal looked up, disappointed. He rather missed her stroking his scalp. It did feel nice. Tess pointed inside the helmet.

"I never realized how much circuitry and such you troopers carried around with you," Tess said, "I always assumed your helmets were helmets to protect your heads."

Tal smiled wryly, and brought his hand up to the lump he still had at the back of his head, "They are."

Tess looked inside at all of the complex circuitry inside the helmet, almost afraid of it, "What's the rest of it for, then?"

"Well, I could show you," Tal offered, "once I repair it. You could even try it on." Tal smiled at the image. He stared at his helmet, and then grimaced, "Or, at least try to repair it." He looked at the huge crack down the back, "this may never work again." He sighed, "But, I need to get back in touch with my unit."

Tess looked strangely crestfallen, but she quickly squashed the look. She smiled politely, "Yes, right, of course, you do. They must be terribly worried about you."

Tal looked a bit lost for a moment. He looked down, shook his head, "Yeah...I don't know. Maybe. I'm M.I.A right now, of course. But, if I don't report back..." his voice dropped off to a mumble, and he looked away, outside at the rain, lost in thoughts of Cooper and the dark ARCs.

Tess looked at him, concerned, her eyes wide, "What happens, Tal? What happens to you, if you don't report back?"

Tal just shook his head, but Tess could tell he was keeping something from her, "Um...I...uh..." Tal looked at her, trying to find the words to explain about what happened to the clones who deserted, but he couldn't find them. He hung his head down, and said quietly, "I have to go back, Tess."

Tess looked away, and wouldn't meet his eyes, "Yes, yes, of course, Tal. Of course, you do."

Tal felt like apologizing. He didn't know for what. An awkward silence ensued. Tal decided he would just apologize anyway. Tess had been so kind to him. He looked up at Tess. She looked very upset. "I'm sorry, Tess."

Tess just nodded her head several times, and then look away quickly, "Um, no, Tal, uh... I... if if I had some way of letting, uh, them, uh, know you were here, I would have done so."

Tal couldn't even really think who them was anymore. Without Cooper's quiet wisdom, the war just didn't make sense anymore. Actually, it had stopped making sense before then. But, being so close to his brother had made it bearable all that time.

Tess' fingers seemed to find his hair again on their own accord. Tal closed his eyes and relaxed into her touch. He sighed, reveling for the moment in the simple human contact. He delayed opening his eyes for a long moment. When he did open his eyes, he looked up and noticed Tess' eyes were closed. Had she fallen asleep? He studied her expression. No, that wasn't it. She was relishing the moment, just as he was- the simple human contact. She was so pure, Tal thought, so pure and so good.

She opened her eyes after a moment, and looked down and smiled at him. Tal couldn't help but return the smile.

"I wish there was some way I could pay you back for everything you've done for me," Tal said.

Tess shook her head, "There's no need," her fingers intertwined seemed to find his hair on their own accord, "It's been so great having someone here in the house again. Well, other than that droid," she rolled her eyes, and gestured toward One One, "It's very lonely here at the farm," she smiled, but it was a sad smile, and she just looked down. An awkward silence ensued and Tal wasn't sure what to say. He couldn't say that she wasn't going to be lonely when he left. He couldn't say that he was coming back. He couldn't say that he wasn't going to leave. So, what was there to say? She looked so sad, and so beautiful. And, he knew he had no right to touch her, since he wasn't going to stay. Her fingers continued to wander around his scalp, and it was maddening because her touch awakened something in him. There was an aching, a hunger. She was so beautiful. He wanted to touch her back. He wanted to reach out and start exploring her skin. He had to keep telling himself that she was not his to touch.

The silence between them stretched on.

Tess sniffed, suspiciously.

"Are you OK, Tess?" Tal asked, wishing he was better at coming up with words at times like these.

Tess was looking down and away from him. Tess continued to look away, "I need to get you tools, right? So you can repair your helmet? What kind of tools do you need?" She still wouldn't make eye contact with him.

"Tess," Tal said tentatively.

Tess looked up at him hopefully, tears brimming in her eyes.

Tal took a deep breath, wanting nothing more than to pull her into his arms. If he did, he knew he'd never be able to let her go. "Tess, I wish things were different," he finally said, in one gust of air, and looked away.

"Yeah, you and me, both," Tess mumbled, getting up and stumbling away.

She returned, and without looking at him, handed him a well-worn tool built. It was overflowing with an odd assortment of tools, some of which looked handmade and strung-together out of spare parts.

"Thank you. Tess, could I also get my utility belt? I was wearing it when you found me. It has a small specialized tool kit on it, and also my-"

"-blaster. Yeah, you'll be wanting all your stuff. I'll get it," Tess said, her voice strangely husky.

Tess walked away without looking back. Tal sighed, feeling like he'd blown everything. And, the thing was he wasn't even quite sure what he'd done wrong. Somewhere in the back of his mind he could hear Cooper lecturing him, telling him he just still didn't get 'it.' Tal really wished he knew what 'it' was. Tal looked down at his broken helmet, the one he was trying to fix. Then, he looked around the farmhouse room. It struck him as ironic that he was trying to 'fix' something so that he could get back to a broken existence.

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