Revised: November 12, 2014.

Left Behind

Chapter 6

What I've felt

What I've known

Never free

Never me

- Metallica, Unforgiven.

Tal awoke with a splitting headache, and squinted out the window. It was already daylight and a light misty rain was falling. Tess was was gone. Working. Tal felt a stab of guilt. He wasn't used to lying in bed for such prolonged periods. He should be working. He rubbed at the back of his head, feeling the lump where he'd struck his head against the ground. Cooper bored him incessantly with his medical talk. Head injuries. He'd always said they were difficult to treat, and unpredictable in healing.

Tal shifted into a more comfortable position. He didn't even remember falling back asleep. His mind flashed through battle after battle; reliving portions of engagements in the Outer Rim over the past three years. The dream was particularly slow and painful as he relived every moment of leaving Cooper behind on Agamar, and the subsequent fight Tal had afterwards with Commander Neyo about going back to look for Coop, Rivers and the rest of Colo Squad. The argument that ended with Tal getting charged with insubordination and busted back from lieutenant to sergeant. The moment in which Tal decided he didn't fekkin' care anymore. About the war. About any of it. Fek all of them.

He was so angry.

The dream dragged him deeper and deeper. He was back on Kali and Sky was extending a hand toward him. Tal was aware enough to wish he could control the dream, and not take the hand. How different would events have been? If he just would have let himself be left behind on the battlefield? He would've been quickly outnumbered and shot to pieces by tinnies. Like Cooper. And, the rest of Colo Squad. Tal tried not to see an image of droids standing over Cooper's body, firing and firing and firing, but his dream-controlled mind created the image anyway. They kept firing until there was just a burnt, smoking, unrecognizable heap. Tal recoiled in horror, trying to back away.

Suddenly, he was up in the sky again, tightly gripping Sky's hand. The first shot had just hit the ship, and Tal knew he had just seconds before the second shot hit. What if he pulled free of Sky's hand, and jumped before the second shot hit? Could he save Sky? Tal tried to yank his hand free. But, Sky wouldn't let go. He gripped his hand harder, in an iron grip.

'Incoming!'

The shot was coming. Why couldn't he get free? He was trapped. Forever trapped. The shot hit, and suddenly he was falling- not only with Sky, but with the blast-riddled corpses of Cooper, Captain Rivers and the rest of Colo Squad falling beside him. It was his fault. All of it. His fault. He'd killed them. All of them.

Tal woke up screaming.

There was a droid standing over him.

Droid!

Reflexes took over and Tal's hand automatically reached for his blaster. His hand whipped up and aimed directly at the droid's head. Tal felt hot sharpnel pieces pepper him in the face, arm and head. The droid fell down smoking next to him.

The stinging pain from hot shrapnel cuts brought Tal back to reality.

Tal coughed - his half-healed lungs struggling with the smoky air. He blinked and rubbed at his eyes, looking around the room.

Tal peered down at the smoking remains of the droid. He stared down at the smoking corpse of the droid.

He'd just taken out One One, the annoying medical droid.

"Fierfek!" Tal muttered. There wasn't much left of it. He did a quick scan of the room. Shrapnel pieces had taken out one of the lamps, and embedded themselves in the floor. The room was a mess. He looked outside, noticing it was nearly full dark. The rain continued to pour down.

A bright light flashed outside. Followed by a thudding boom. Whoa. Canon fire?

He drew his blaster again, adrenaline pumping, until he identified the noise. Local weather phenomena. Thunder. Lightning.

He blew out a long sigh, trying to ease down from the adrenaline high. Tal grabbed his helmet, noticing his good hand left a bloody mark on it. He stared down in annoyance. Shrapnel. Blowing up tinnies at close range without armor was a bad idea. Frags got everywhere.

He stared down at the small shards embedded in his skin with annoyance. It would be difficult to tug them out on his own. His lips twitched slightly in memory, remembering all the times Cooper had dug shrapnel out of him. Then, his gut sank. Cooper was dead. Had he ever told Cooper thank you for saving him time and again? Two words and he'd never said them. He was such an idiot.

Tal looked at his darkened helmet, seeing a shadow of his reflection in the cracked visor. He was broken clone.

He stared into the innards of the helmet, trying to think of a new angle to fixing it. He was coming up blank. Scratch could fix this thing, though. Best tech clone Tal had ever met. Except Scratch was dead, too. He'd been trying to hack into some Seppy systems on Chandrila when the self-destruct triggered. Tal and Cooper had been blown clear. They never found any trace of Scratch. Not even his ID tag.

Like he never existed.

Is that how it's going to be for me? No trace left of me? What brother is going to remember me with all of Colo Squad gone? Tal tossed the helmet away in frustration. Another bolt of lightning struck at that moment, punctuating his outburst. Tal pushed himself up with a groan. He tried to reach down to clean up some of the pieces of OneOne. His ribs groaned with protest. He managed to gather up a few of the larger pieces before the pain caused his breathing to come in gasps. He straightened back up again, clutching his ribs. It was getting very dark. Tal spotted a lamp about ten steps away next to a couch.

I can make it there. He spotted something else of interest; a holonet receiver. He hadn't had any news from the outside since he'd arrived here. Tal worked his way over to the couch, sinking down with relief onto the cushions and powered on the receiver. Tal studied the unit. It was an older unit, different than the ones they'd used in the barracks. But, the basic operation was the same.

The old unit seemed pre-programmed for few options. He watched a local holonews broadcast, hoping for some news of the war. He sat impatiently through a discussion of lengthy discussion of local school Bolo-ball teams. Tal normally enjoyed watching Bolo-ball, but, hello? Wasn't there a war going on? And, then, finally, there it was - an off-hand mention of the effect on the local economy of both the Separatists and the Republic leaving the planet. A red-faced local farmer was talking about what an 'inconvenience' the war had been. Other merchants were interviewed who echoed similar sentiments. Tal's jaw dropped. A major inconvenience? This wasn't the location of a Bolo-ball tournament! Although, the way the farmer was discussing it, it seemed as if that's all it was. The strategic significance of the war didn't seem to matter - to anybody. Not to the news reporters. Not to the farmers. So, why did Sky have to die? Why did Cooper die? Why was Scratch obliterated as if he never existed? Why were two million of his brothers created, and then blown apart again? What was all of this for anyway? The view on the screen changed, and Tal gasped. "The abandoned barracks are being converted into a Sabaac Hall."

Tal stared at the empty barracks, looking like a ghost town. His gut twisted. The holocam moved through the barracks, showing row after row of empty metal beds. He saw the row where he had slept. There was no standard grey Republic bedding, no pin-ups of Twi'leks, no footlockers with perfectly cleaned armor. Not a trace or scrap of the brothers who had occupied the space.

Tal wondered who cleaned out his bunk and the footlocker with his fatigues and few 'personal' items. He had a datapad, mainly used for training and reading ref manuals, but he did have a few holopics of Colo Squad. After Agamar, as one of the few surviving members of Colo, Tal had been assigned to clean out the bunks of Cooper, Rivers, Jinx and the others. He'd kept their small remembrances, all of them. Tal stopped making friends after the rest of the squad was lost. He was somewhat close to Zig and Julu, but they'd both been last early on in the Battle of Kali. He'd added their things to his collection. So, who had all of those things now? So were all of remembrances tossed in the flash-disposal when they'd shipped out?

All evidence that any of them had existence simply gone?

He froze the image on the screen, staring at the empty barracks.

He'd been fekkin' abandoned by the Republic.

Dropped out of an gunship.

Left behind.

And, abandoned.

Tal leaned back against the couch, thinking of the war, of Sky, of Cooper, of Scratch... He could feel something running down his face, and he knew this time it wasn't blood.

Clones weren't supposed to cry. But, apparently he wasn't much of a clone. Not one the Republic carried about anyway.

# # #

Tess tiptoed quietly back into the farmhouse, frozen-through and exhausted.

Tal was probably asleep already, and she didn't want to wake him up. She felt badly that she'd been gone so long. He must be starving.

Tess's nose wrinkled.

What is that smell?

She gasped in surprise when she saw the smoking remains of One One. The medical droid's head was completely blown apart. For all the times the droid had annoyed her, she had never considered taking a blaster to it.

She peered down at the couch where Tal had been sleeping for the past week. She gasped again. In the dim light, amidst all the blankets and pillows, no Tal! But, there was blood on the sheets. Tess swirled around, looking around the room in a panic.

Her eyes immediately settled back on the lone light in corner of the room. With her heart pounding, she leapt over One One's smoldering head, and ran over to the couch. All thoughts of the droid were forgotten.

As she rounded the couch, the sight that greeted her tugged on her heart strings. Tal was asleep, his face bloodied, tears streaking down his cheeks. Streaks of blood trickled down one arm. She took a deep breath, immensely relieved he was still in one piece, more or less. She quickly went and retrieved the first aid kit, a small bowl of water, and a warm cloth.

Tal woke up immediately anyway, his hand going for the blaster at his belt. Before his eyes had even opened, he had drawn the blaster.

"Tal!" Tess shouted.

Tal's eyes blinked open, and he focused on Tess.

"It's you," he said, his voice expressing his relief as his eyes scanned her face, "you're back."

He tucked the blaster back into his belt. Then, his eyes widened suddenly as if he just then remembered something he needed to tell Tess. He sat up quickly.

"I shot your droid," he blurted out.

"Yes, I noticed that," Tess said calmly. "Hold still." She leaned toward Tal. She opened up the first aid kit and began cleaning the shrapnel cuts on his face and head, "I take it you two had a disagreement?"

Tal shook his head.

"No, the droid didn't do anything."

Tess waited patiently for Tal to elaborate. She noticed he never referred to One One by name.

Tal winced as Tess found a piece of shrapnel still stuck in his skin. She took the tweezers out of the kit, and carefully removed it. She cleaned the area and applied bacta to it. She began carefully running her fingers through Tal's hair, looking for other fragments. Tal closed his eyes, relaxing under the familiar sensation of Tess's fingers on his scalp.

"Go on," Tess prompted, not finding any more fragments. Sensing Tal relaxing, she continued to carefully massage his scalp.

Tal sighed, "I was dreaming- of fighting droids... all different battles sort of jumbled together..."

Tal shook his head, finding it difficult to say anything more about the dreams. Tess continued her gentle soothing.

"I woke up and that tinnie was standing over me," Tal gestured at the smoking remains of One One, and his voice was a mixture of confusion and regret.

"And, you took out the droid," Tess said, understanding hitting her, although it didn't take the shock out of visualizing the violent scene.

"I'm sorry," hanging his head down, "I've made a mess of things."

Tess slipped her hand around to the back of his head. She gingerly felt the spot where Tal had cracked his head against Sky's helmet. Tal winced as she touched the spot.

"You have a head injury and been through major trauma."

He shook his head. "Doesn't excuse what I did."

"That droid always drove me crazy anyway."

"Me, too, but I shouldn't have shot it," Tal said, still shaking his head with regret.

She began cleaning his face with the washcloth. "If it's any consolation, I don't own any other droids." She held out her hand. Tal offered up his arm. "I take it this is some more fall-out from the droid formerly known as One-One?"

Tal nodded solemnly, "Yes, he seems to have given almost as good as he got."

Tess actually laughed at that. She took the tweezers and began pulling more small metal fragments from Tal's arm. Tal winced, but didn't pull his arm away.

Tess inspected his arm carefully, "OK, I think I got all of them. Do you want a painkiller?"

Tal shook his head, "No, this is the least of what I've been through this week. I'm fine."

"Do all clones abuse their bodies this much?" she asked idly, just making conversation.

Tal looked at her oddly, cocking his head to one side, "Not usually by choice." Tess's face wrinkled, her head went back and she let out a most unlady-like sneeze.

Tal grabbed Tess's hands and felt it. Tal looked down at her hand, frowning.

"Your hand is very cold," he commented. He reached up with his other hand and felt her cheek. "You're chilled, Tess!"

Tess nodded, "It was cold, today. Temperature is dropping quickly outside."

In response, Tal swept one of his masculine arms around her shoulders and pulled her close to him.

Tess looked up at him in surprise.

"This is standard field procedure when the temperature drops, or someone is in danger of getting hypothermic," Tal said simply.

"Oh," Tess responded, moving around, not used to the feeling of being held in someone's arms.

Tal had practiced this field procedure before, but somehow it felt entirely different with Tess. He'd done the gesture automatically. Since Tal noticed Tess was relaxing in his arms, he relaxed as well, settling back against the couch. She yawned hugely, and began to close her eyes. Was she preparing to go to sleep? Should Tal suggest she move to her quarters? Somehow, Tal was reluctant to make the suggestion. Instead, he simply just watched her eyes drift shut, and then watch her head settle down into his shoulder. He never knew it could be so pleasurable just to watch someone sleep. He was sorry he'd destroyed her droid, but not sorry that this had been the outcome. Tal yawned, and settled his head back against the couch. Within minutes, he was asleep.

# # #

Tess awoke to hear a quiet, distressed cry of pain. She recognized the sound.

She looked over at Tal. What demons haunted him so in his sleep? From her intimate position on his shoulder, she studied his sleeping face with concern. She heard him whisper different names.

"Cooper... Is that you?... Cooper. Come back, Coop! I'm sorry, Coop! I'm so sorry! Forgive me, brother! Scratch! Get out of there! It's a trap!... Sky... no... let go...let me die..."

She couldn't stand to hear him so tortured. She touched her hands to his awoke with a start, grabbing for his blaster. He put the blaster right up against her temple.

"Tal! Stop! It's me, Tess!" Tess shouted, staring with wide eyes at the blaster. For a moment, Tess wondered if his head injury had robbed him of his short-term memory again. Tal's eyes darted around wildly for a moment, before settling on Tess. He immediately released the blaster, letting it drop. He closed his eyes, and said nothing for a long moment. She wished she knew more about head injuries. But, then Tal's eyes snapped back open and focus on her.

"Tess," he whispered hoarsely, with recognition.

He sat up, and tried to push her away from him.

"Don't push me away, Tal," Tess pleaded, "tell me about the dream."

Tess began gently stroking his face, and then his scalp. Tal stared at her with a tortured look.

"I keep seeing my brothers," Tal said, "the ones who died... the ones who meant the most to me."

Tal stopped, running a hand through his closely cropped hair.

"We left Cooper behind on Agamar. The area was swarming with droids. He was still there, tending to vode who were down. The rest of the squad was still there. The Captain. The gunners. We sent four gunships to try to get them out." His voice changed to a tortured whisper. "None of them made it out." The pain and bitterness were evident in Tal's voice. For a moment, he was completely lost in another time and place. "The whole valley was crawling with droids. All closing in on their position. They were completely surrounded... Commander Neyo ordered us to leave. Said we were pulling out immediately. The planet was lost. But, we left them there. They were my closest vode for three years and we- left- them - there. I told Cooper we were coming for him. I promised him we wouldn't leave without him. But, the commander he-" Tal shook his head. "I ended up getting into a fight." He shook his head. "I had to be subdued, and then I was punished for disobeying a direct order."

Tess settled comfortably up against Tal's shoulder. "Are you sure this isn't bothering your injuries? I could sit somewhere else."

"No," Tal answered immediately, "I feel fine."

Tess looked up at him, and said quietly, "Except for the nightmares."

Tal met her gaze, and she saw the vulnerability in his eyes.

"Yes," his voice trailed off and took on a haunted quality. "Tess, I can't stay here."

"Why go back?" she gave him a frustrated look. "After everything you've told me?"

"Because if I stay they'll kill you," Tal said simply. She stared at him. "Deserters, Tess. They shoot them. And, they'll likely shoot anyone around them. Clones can't leave the army voluntarily because we never joined. We were cloned into this existence."

"But, that makes you slaves!" she objected.

"Yes," he admitted, unable to deny the reality of his existence.

"Surely, you have some rights!"

Tal shook his head. "I'm not a citizen, Tess. I don't have any. I can only go where I'm ordered and shoot what I'm told to shoot. That's it."

"But, that's-"

"Tess," Tal shook his head, "don't argue with me, OK? It won't change anything. About me. About who I am. Tomorrow, drive me back to the battlefield. Leave me where you found me. I'll find some scavenged equipment from there and contact the GAR. Get a pickup."

"What if-"

Tal knew there was an equal chance the Seppies would pick up any transmission he made off-planet. His plan was probable suicide. But, Tess would be safe.

# # #