Chapter Song: Breathe Me by Sia
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
With his eyes still closed, mind and body still mostly asleep, he reaches for his wife, but all he feels are ice cold sheets in place of the warm body he was expecting. Forcing his eyes open and sitting up, he settles his eyes on the clock seeing that it's only seven in the morning. Getting out of bed and throwing on some sleep pants, he tries not to panic as he heads out of their bedroom in search of his wife.
As he walks down the stairs, the panic that he had tried to keep down starts to bubble to the surface as he takes in how quiet the house is. He doesn't understand why he's panicking at first; this isn't the first time he's woken up with his wife not lying beside him, and he never thought twice about it before. He would usually go on with his morning routine and then eventually find her either asleep on the couch, or outside on the back patio reading a book.
But, after checking the garage and feeling the sudden relief as he sees that her car is still there, he instantly realizes the source of his panic; he's terrified that she'll leave him. Even though they both agreed last night that they wanted to save their marriage, it still ended with her pulling away from him. He has no idea what made her shut down the way she did. He just hopes it's not because she's having second thoughts.
Just as he closes the door to the garage, he hears the back patio door slide open and close.
As he makes his way towards her, she looks up from untying her shoes, startled.
"You scared me," she says in a breathy, low tone, bringing her hand up to her chest, "I thought you'd still be asleep."
Stopping as he reaches the entrance to the kitchen, he leans his hip on the counter while crossing his arms loosely and looks down, replying, "Sorry… I woke up and you weren't there…"
Standing upright after taking off both shoes, she glances at him briefly, before explaining, "I woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep, so I decided to go for a run on the beach… I guess I should have left a note." She didn't even think about leaving a note. In the past, she would leave the house to go grocery shopping and he wouldn't even notice she was gone until she came home with a trunk full of groceries.
Pushing off the counter and walking into the kitchen, he shrugs a little and says, "It's okay," trying to play it off like it wasn't that big of a deal, not wanting her to feel guilty for his own insecurities. Changing the subject, he continues, "I'm going to make some coffee. Did you want any? I could make you some breakfast too, if you want…"
"Um, no thanks… I'm actually going to take a shower and maybe go back to bed," she answers him as she walks towards the stairs.
Turning around from the coffee maker, he watches his wife disappear up the stairs for the second time since last night.
Stepping into the shower, she turns her face into the hot stream of water, letting it mix with her tears that start to fall. She's frustrated with herself, hating that she's unable to grasp what she's feeling and why. She wants those two days back that they had spent together, feeling happy. She wants to feel that way again so bad she can taste it, but she doesn't know how to get there again. She knew they wouldn't go straight back to that after their talk, but she never thought that she would feel the need to escape him every time they were in the same room together either.
When she woke up earlier this morning, and realized it wasn't even dawn yet, she tried to snuggle back into the warmth of her husband's body, hoping to find sleep again. But, when the memories from their talk the night before flooded her mind, she found herself wide awake and the usual comfort she felt being in her husband's arms had become suffocating. She thought a run on the beach would help clear her mind and give her the space she needed from him to help sort out the feelings she was having, but all it left her with was more confusion.
As she feels the water start to cool, it brings her out of her thoughts and she starts to rush through washing herself. After drying herself off and changing into her sweats she had brought into the bathroom, she starts to feel the weight of the morning catching up with her and she can't wait to shut her mind off and go back to sleep. Just the thought of climbing into her comfortable bed sends a sense of peace through her.
But, it doesn't last that long.
Hearing the door to the bathroom open, his head shoots up from its resting place in his hands as he sits on the side of the bed, facing the bathroom door. When he had come into the bedroom to get dressed, he could hear the sound of his wife quietly crying while she showered, sending bitter pangs of guilt through his body. His first instinct was to go in there and just hold her, but he thought better of it and got dressed, reminding himself that he was the reason she was in there crying in the first place. He was just going to go back downstairs after he was dressed, figuring she'd just want to be alone, but then he thought that if things were going to change, he had to at least show her that her feelings weren't ignored.
As she walks slowly to the bed, he stands and takes a couple cautious steps towards her, until he's standing in front of her. They stand there for a few awkward moments; him not knowing what to say, and her not wanting him to say anything.
Looking at her closely, he takes in how fragile she looks and just how much his past actions have taken a toll on her. Even though she's not looking at him, he can still see every ounce of the heartache and sadness her eyes hold in them.
Gently, he brings her into him by wrapping his arms around her shoulders, whispering near her ear, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry."
Her arms stay folded around herself as she nods her head into his chest, letting him know that she knows. His actions these past few days have shown her how sorry he is, and it's also the one thing that she hasn't questioned since last night.
The tears she was trying to hold back start to fall from her eyes as she grows frustrated with herself, wishing she could just wrap her arms around him as he holds her. But, something inside her wants to keep him at arm's length and she doesn't know why.
Pulling back, he looks down at her and wipes the tears from her face, whispering, "We can get through this… I know we can." Her eyes still downcast from his, she nods before he kisses her on the forehead. Stepping back from her, he continues softly, "I know you want to go back to sleep, so I'll leave you alone… I'll just be downstairs if you need anything, okay?"
Nodding her head again, numbly, she doesn't move from her spot until he leaves the room. As soon as she hears the soft click of the door close, she can feel all of the tension leave her body and the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion claims her once again.
Luckily, her mind agrees with her for once, and she falls into a dreamless sleep as soon as her head hits the pillow.
As she starts to wake up, she can tell it has to be sometime after noon by the way the sun is shining through their balcony window. Stretching a little and opening her eyes, she stares up at the ceiling as her mind runs in circles, thinking about this morning. It seems like it was days ago rather than only hours before. She still isn't any less confused than she was this morning, which frustrates her, but there is one question that keeps popping up in her mind. She's just not sure if the answer to it really even matters.
Hearing the rumble of hunger in her stomach and realizing she hasn't eaten since last night, she decides it's time to get out of bed and change into some other clothes besides her sweats. As she walks down the stairs she wonders if her husband went golfing with his friends like he usually does every Saturday, but dismisses the thought as soon as she walks into the kitchen and sees him sitting at the island reading the newspaper.
Folding the newspaper closed, he looks up at her as she walks towards the refrigerator, and says, "If you're hungry, I made you a sandwich earlier and put it in the fridge… It's only about a half hour old, so it should still be good."
Opening the refrigerator door, she thanks him softly as she pulls out the plate and sets it on the island beside him. As she's done getting a glass down from the cabinet to fill with ice water, he starts to clean up the sections of newspaper that are scattered across the island to give her more counter space to eat.
Just as he folds the last of the sections, she takes her plate and walks out of the kitchen.
He didn't realize how much it meant to him to have her sitting next to him while she ate until that moment. As he watches her sit outside on the back patio, he thinks of all the times she's had to eat alone because of him, and how much it would have meant to her if he was there. The more and more he thinks of all the ways he's wronged her, the more and more he wonders how she'll ever forgive him. It kills him to think of how much he's taken her for granted, and he can only hope that she'll give him the rest of their lives to make up for it.
Throughout the rest of the day, it plays out just the same; she avoids him, and he gives her the space she needs while still letting her know that he's there.
During dinner, they eat their heated leftovers from last night separately; her choosing to eat alone out on the patio again, while he sits at the table unable to eat much of what's in front of him. She's only sitting about fifteen feet away from him but, to him, it feels like miles.
While he's cleaning up dinner, she brings in her empty bowl from outside and starts helping him with the dishes, both working together in silence. Once they're done, she leaves again without a word and heads back outside.
Only this time, he follows her out.
Sitting in the seat next to her, they both sit silently watching the sun as it fades into the water. A beautiful moment witnessed by husband and wife, tainted by the tension in the air.
It's not until the last shred of sun has disappeared that the silence is broken. With her eyes still focused on the lake, she quietly speaks, "You said you didn't find my journal until Tuesday, but you haven't… been with her in weeks. I've just been wondering… what made you end it with her back then if it wasn't because of my journal?"
Her question throws him off for a moment, but then he thinks back to their conversation last night and he can see how she would have thought that he had ended it weeks ago. He hates the answer he's about to give her, but he knows he has to be honest.
Nervously, he takes in a deep breath and lets it out as he leans his elbows on his knees. Glancing at her briefly, he says, "I, um… I actually didn't end it with her until Wednesday."
Confused, she turns her head towards him, and immediately says with a slight shake of her head, "I don't understand…"
Sitting up straighter, he turns a little towards her and regretfully explains, "I'm not trying to sugar coat what I've done, but what I had with her wasn't something I sought out, and it wasn't something that happened every time I was with her… I haven't been with her in weeks, but I didn't end everything with her until Wednesday. "
"Oh," she whispers, sniffling.
After a few anguished minutes of listening to her silently cry, he pleads, "Please say something…"
Wiping tears from her face, she frustratingly replies, "I don't know what to say- I don't even know what to think." She runs both of her hands through her hair, gripping it out of frustration before letting it go and taking in a deep breath. "I want to work this out-I really do, but right now…," she says, with a shake of her head, "This is all just too overwhelming for me and I need time to sort everything out in my head. Just… please… give me my space for now, okay?"
Before he gets a chance to reply, she's already out of her chair and walking down the steps towards the beach, needing to escape his presence once again.
A/N: RECOMMENDATIONS:
For something funny and completed, this one is my all time favorite DadWard fic- Bella Swan: Kidnapper by Kambria Rain. Story ID # 5062719
Also, if you're in the mood for more angst, check out What Hurts the Most by beegurl13. Story ID# 5648126
Need something AU? Go read Dead Confederates by goldenmeadow, story ID# 5106610, and Beyond Time by TKegl, story ID# 5755522
Now for my thanks: Thank you to Crackylu and BittenIn Ca for prereading, and also, thank you to Allison Cullen for beta'ing! Love you, ladies!