It's Buttman, Baby!
Summary – After a prophetic dream, Cartman awakes convinced that he must finish what Hitler began. To begin with, he'll have to start the perfect Aryan race, and there is only one boy with the genes for that.
Warning – everything Cartman-related, i.e. extreme anti-Semitism, cursing, offensive language; and now really cute gayness!
Disclaimer – South Park is owned by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, both of whom I idolize and do not wish to profit from their marvelous work
"Ro, whah wo you whuy wah wo woo?" Kenny asked, the three of them now sitting in Stan's living room.
"I don't know," Stan shrugged, setting down a bowl of popcorn. "I thought we could watch Cartman and Butters on Tyra."
"Do we have to?" Kyle sighed. "I already hear enough of Cartman being a douche in real life. I don't need to hear it on television too."
"Yeah, but think about it this way, you also get to see him making a complete fool of himself on national television. In front of Tyra Banks, no less."
"Roo, whee whu-ing woh!"
"Eh...alright then. Kenny, what channel is it?"
"Wohree wih."
"Thanks. Oh hey, they're on right now."
There sat Cartman and Butters on the couch with Tyra Banks, except while Butters sat smiling at the camera and completely decked out in buttons that said things like A World for Buttman and Beautiful Buttman Baby, Cartman simply sat staring, deadpanned, ahead. His eyes wide open. His mouth slightly agape in shock.
"You see, Miss Tyra," Butters' little television voice squeaked out. "It all started when Eric came up to me and said he wanted the p-perfect little baby. He asked if I would be the one to have it."
The audience immediately cooed in response. Tyra nodded her big head of hair. "Now, let me see if I understand this, you two boys are nine-years-old."
"Yes ma'am, but you already knew that."
"And you want to have a baby?"
"'Course! Why, all the girls at school are offering to baby-sit for us!" At that, the audience gave out another big, collective coo.
"But being nine years old, don't you think that's a little too young to have children?" Tyra asked. "You're little more than children yourself!"
"What do you mean, little more than children?" Stan muttered in disbelief, his feet barely touching the floor from the couch.
"Well…" Butters said, twiddling his thumbs. "I suppose so. But you see, there's nothing Eric really wants more than anything else than for me to have this baby. I made a promise, so I'm going to keep it!"
"Eric?" Tyra said, tentatively prodding Eric with the microphone. "Do you have anything to add? Eric Cartman?"
"Why isn't he saying anything?" Kyle wondered. "This was all his idea."
Little did they know, that what was going on inside Cartman's head was a plethora of emotions, thoughts, and memories. Too many voices, each telling him to do a different thing, pulling him in a different direction. But through the chaotic shower of confusion in his mind, Butters' determined voice suddenly broke free. I made a promise, I'm going to keep it!
"Butters!" Cartman yelled suddenly.
"Eh, what?" Butters blinked. "I'm right here."
"Butters," Cartman repeated, completely ignoring Tyra, "being with you these last couple of days…this experience has made me realize, maybe I have been using you. Maybe I have been a complete asshole to you since preschool. And maybe you are nothing more than a queer lil' fag."
"What?" Kyle cried, outraged. "Okay, yes that's true, but how could he say all that on national television?"
"But I'm willing to change all that, so that we can raise this baby together. It's not just your genes. And it's not just my master plan to rule the world. It's…our baby. Our responsibility. And…" Cartman took a deep breath, then took Butters' hand into his own. "If you're ready, I'd like to you take me back. So we can do this together."
By this time, Butters had turned a shade of bright raspberry red, and the audience had melted into a gooey pile of the adorable-ness of it all. "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" Tyra announced. "These two boys are actually planning on having a ba—"
"Will you shut up, you old hag?" Cartman snapped. And with that, the commercials started rolling.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sat staring at the TV in shock. "Dude," Stan croaked. "Did I just hear…Cartman say…"
"I think I'm gonna puke," Kyle said, voice muffled behind his hand. And he did.
To say it was absurd would be an understatement. Butters now waited at the bus stop with them in the mornings ("Gee, I'm so glad to be back ever since that time you guys dumped me as your replacement for Kenny!"), sat next to Cartman in class ("Will you two lovebirds stop passing notes in class?"), got lunch with Cartman ("Of course I did five chocolate cakes, one of them's for Butters!"), and was on the receiving end of nearly all the feminine attention in the school ("Oh my God, you two are just too cute. Would you like any help? Like I dunno, baby clothes? Breast milk? I know I've got a little in there!").
Frankly, it was weirding them out just a little too much.
"You know, I keep trying to remind myself that, hey, at least Cartman's not being a bigoted asshole anymore. Not outwardly, anyway," Kyle said to Stan while they were at their lockers after school. "But…watching those two…"
"Dude, I know what you mean."
"Hey guys, what's up?" Cartman, sounding awfully cheery, now stood next to them with an equally happy Butters in his arms.
"Uh, well—"
"Cool, sounds super cool," Cartman interrupted. "We were just on our way to the library to write our last speech. We're just going to give it in front of Congress, no big deal. It should earn us the winning vote to get the money we need for our baby. Would you be interested in helping us out?"
This time, Stan seemed on the verge of puking, especially when Butters tilted his head and cuddled Cartman's fat neck like that. Thankfully, Kyle stepped in. "No. We don't want in on your stupid plan."
The look on Cartman's face dropped immediately. With narrowed eyes, he said dangerously, "What did you say?"
"We said no! We're sick of watching you two being a lovey and gross with each other when clearly it's just a ploy to fool everyone into thinking you're the most adorable couple ever so that you'll win the money to make your stupid Hitler baby!"
"Eric," Butters said, "Eric, that's not true, is it?"
Kyle blinked. Twice. "Of course it's true!" he cried. "Butters, don't you remember anything about the old Cartman? The Cartman that dressed up as a robot to discover all your dirty secrets, or the Cartman that made you pretend to be a girl so you could steal the girls' future-telling device—"
"That mission was actually very important, and Butters pulled it off flawlessly," Cartman said stoutly.
"My point is, how could you possibly bring yourself to trust him, after all that?"
"W-well, that's easy!" Butters said, brightening up immediately. "Last night we had a neat-o sleepover at his house, and his mom baked us all kinds of treats! And later, he tickled me real funny in my pants—"
"Aw, fuck," Stan muttered, and puked all over the floor.
"Alright, that's enough," Cartman exclaimed. "Butters, come on, let's leave these immature assholes. We have some serious business to do."
"Bye, fellas!"
That left them alone, in the hallway, with Stan's puke dripping of his chin. They stared at each other in brain-curdling shock. "Dude…"
"…tickled him real funny in his pants?" Kyle deadpanned, quot- and unquoting with his fingers.
"I know right! How disgusting is that?"
"That's the worst!"
Kyle took a deep breath, and then stepped forward.
"To be or not to be—that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to allow someone as naïve and stupid as Butters get trapped in Cartman's web, or to face the fatass' wrath by opposing it. Who am I to say their love is wrong, or isn't real? But this is Cartman we're talking about. He is the biggest douchebag in the universe, and that is clearly proven by the lengths he is going to wipe out all the Jews, that is, by going gay and dating Butters. To watch, to burn, to puke at their disgusting PDA—no more. I must put an end to this, for whether Cartman's being open about it or not, he will always be a Jew-hating Nazi-wannabe. And better he be out in the open about it than hiding it by...tickling Butters...in the pants...BLEGHH!"
With that, Kyle puked in his bathroom sink, and stepped down. He nodded to his own reflection in the mirror. "You made the right decision, Kyle."
A/N - Here's a poll - Do you think Cartman is telling the truth to Butters, or like Kyle do you believe it's simply a facade? Leave your answers in the reviews. ;)