It's Buttman, Baby!
Summary – After a prophetic dream, Cartman awakes convinced that he must finish what Hitler began. To begin with, he'll have to start the perfect Aryan race, and there is only one boy with the genes for that.
Warning – everything Cartman-related, i.e. extreme anti-Semitism, cursing, offensive language; and now really cute gayness!
Disclaimer – South Park is owned by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, both of whom I idolize and do not wish to profit from their marvelous work
"…This is America. This is where dreams come true, no matter how big or small, no matter how daring and wild, this is the place for it."
Cartman's voice boomed fearlessly into the microphone into the ears of hundreds, thousands counting those listening on television. "Where did it go? Where did Tom Sawyer's charming white picket fence go? Maybe you should ask this of yourselves; why you would deprive two little boys of their American dream, like a bunch of hateful terrorists! What exactly is the difference between you and bin Laden, I ask you? He's dead, that's what! He can't harm us anymore, but you still can!"
His voice had been escalating steadily, but at this point, Cartman took a deep breath, then said sweetly, "Unless, you find it within yourselves to help us raise our seventy-two thousand dollars. Then maybe, just maybe, the dream isn't lost." He paused to wipe away a tear. "I love you, America! I won't give up on you!"
As the applause went up, Cartman made his way back to his seat, next to which Butters sat looking jubilant. "That was great, Eric!"
"'Course it was great."
"Especially the part with the terrorists!"
"And now," a grave voice spoke, shown to be John Boehner at the podium, "we shall hear the opposition's rebuttal."
This startled Cartman out of his happiness. "Hey, wait what? Rebuttal? Dude, what the fuck?"
"I'm sorry kid," Boehner said out of the corner of his mouth, eyeing the cameras nervously. "This is the program; I'm just doing my job."
"Yeah, well you suck." Boehner's lower lip trembled. "Big time."
With that, he burst into tears and ran to the bathroom. This seemed like nothing new, and nobody in the room reacted. That's when Cartman caught sight of who exactly was going to rebut him. "Aw, fuck. Kyle?"
Wearing a brown suit and a considerably cleaner lime green hat, Kyle pointedly ignored Cartman's outraged protests as he took the stand. "Vice President Biden, Speaker Boehner, senators and members of the House, honored guests, I thank you for receiving me today. I've come to tell you exactly why you should not let Eric Cartman and Leopold 'Butters' Scotch have an IVF baby together."
"This is bullshit," Cartman hissed, "Bullshit I tell you! Just like at his bullshit Jew hat!"
"The controversy surrounding this case so far has simply been a matter of age and gender. 'Are we prepared as a nation to allow two nine-year-old boys make and raise a baby?' you ask. But what if I told you there was something more? What if I told you," Kyle took a remote control out of his pocket to let down an enormous flat screen TV from the ceiling, "about this?"
The image was of Cartman, dressed as Hitler, and leading an angry mob. Though this was nothing new to South Park, it apparently was to Congress. A collective gasp ran through the audience like wildfire. "You see, I've known this boy nearly my whole life, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that he is the most anti-Semitic and manipulative individual with a Hitler complex that you will ever meet."
"Damn it! Butters, cover your ears!"
"...But I already know all this."
"Oh, right."
"What would someone like Cartman want with a baby, you ask? Well, just take a look at this." Kyle pressed another button, and a huge image of Butters waving at the camera appeared. "Our friend Butters is what Nazis believe to be the 'ideal race'. That is, Caucasian with blond hair and blue eyes. An Aryan. Unfortunately, Butters is also a complete pussy who tends to listen to and do whatever Cartman says."
"Shut up, Kyle! Jeez Butters, don't listen to this!"
"I already knew that too, though."
"For this reason, it is all too clear to me what is really going on. Cartman is taking extreme measures to populate the world with people like Butters. And the first thing he needs, is Butters. So he fooled you all, including Butters, into thinking that they are in a loving relationship, in order to carry out his plan." Kyle took a deep breath, then added as a side-note, "The only thing I don't get is why he's going through all this trouble to make one baby. I don't understand why he wouldn't just recruit all the Aryan people in the world into one area and start making babies the normal and much cheaper way. But I guess he's just stupid like that."
After Kyle finished his speech, he was met with deafening silence. Nobody, it turned out, knew what to say to all that. And when someone asked where John Boehner was, it turned out he was still crying in the bathroom. So really, no one knew what to say.
Except Butters. "Well, that's easy!" He said. "You can't just force people to make babies. They have to be in love first."
Back at home, Stan puked into his cereal bowl.
All this time, it seemed like Butters has gotten off punishment easy from his parents. That would be because his parents have been out of town, and their next-door neighbor was responsible for checking in on Butters and cooking his meals. As the next-door neighbor is also an alcoholic cat-hoarding woman, it goes without saying that Butters has been able to run wild lately.
That is, until his father called. "Butters? Butters, what's this we heard about you on the news? You're having a baby with Mrs. Cartman's son?"
"Well, uh-"
"Don't you well, uh- me! What have we told you about your bicuriosity, Butters? It's fine as long as you keep it a secret for the rest of your life! Now look at you! You're all over the news and everything! Your face was shown in front of the entire Congress! Do you know how embarrassing that is, as a father?"
"Sorry, Dad."
"That's right, you better be sorry. Now I have to explain to all the guys at work why my son is shacking up with mini-Hitler. I hope you're proud of what you've done. Your mother and I will be back in just a moment. And then you're grounded, mister." And he hung up.
Butters' face hit the table. "Aw shucks," he muttered into the wood. It was hard having a boyfriend.
Meanwhile, Cartman had just finished his nervous breakdown, and was now knocking on Kyle's door. Ike was the one who answered. "What are you doing here, fatass?"
"Dickwipe," Cartman said sullenly. "Where the fuck's your brother?"
Kyle appeared behind his brother in no time. "Ike, go play with your dinosaurs or something." After Ike left with a wry glance at Cartman, Kyle turned to him and asked, "What are you doing here, fatass?"
Cartman narrowed his eyes. "Well, I hope you're happy. I hope you're goddamn, rolling-in-fucking-Jew-gold happy. You just found me out."