It's Buttman, Baby!
Summary – After a prophetic dream, Cartman awakes convinced that he must finish what Hitler began. To begin with, he'll have to start the perfect Aryan race, and there is only one boy with the genes for that.
Warning – everything Cartman-related, i.e. extreme anti-Semitism, cursing, offensive language; and now really cute gayness!
Disclaimer – South Park is owned by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, both of whom I idolize and do not wish to profit from their marvelous work
A/N – It gets slightly weird. Bear with me here (it is South Park, after all).
Last time on South Park…
Kyle revealed to Congress and half of America that Cartman had a severe psychological Hitler complex and should be dealt with accordingly.
Butters' gay relationship was threatened to be destroyed by his equally-bicurious-if-not-much-more-so father.
And Cartman called Kyle a Jew for the fifteen-thousand-four-hundred-and-twenty-second time. Now, we return to their argument, where Cartman is prepared to confess everything.
Everything.
"I knew it!" Kyle cried triumphantly, pointing his finger at Cartman accusingly.
"Of course you knew, but I didn't think you'd say anything!" Cartman sputtered madly.
"Why the hell wouldn't I?"
"I mean, I didn't think you'd actually say that I'm going to weirdly great lengths to have just this one baby with Butters, even when forcing all the Aryans in the world into one area to make multiple babies is totally more my style."
"That's right, I caught you red-ha—wait, what?"
"So thanks a lot, Kyle!" Cartman nearly screamed. "I have a reputation to maintain, you know? Jesus Christ, now everyone's gonna think I'm soft! Before, at least people would think that I was only being nice to Butters because they thought I was using him. Now they know! Now they all know! And it's entirely your fucking fault."
Kyle seemed to have momentarily lost the ability to speak, but once he finished processing what Cartman said, he was able to regain some semblance of communication. "So…let me get this straight…you pretended to be an asshole by...not being an asshole?"
Cartman thought about it for a second. "I think you could more accurately describe it as me unintentionally not being an asshole and intentionally pretending that was me being an asshole, all the while being an asshole by not admitting that I wasn't an asshole but wanted to be seen as an asshole anyway, overall adding to the effect of—"
"Okay, okay, that's enough," Kyle interrupted quickly. "Now my head hurts."
"It's all about layering, you see."
"So," Kyle said slowly, "you actually do like Butters? It's not just some stupid plot to rule the world?"
Cartman blinked, and then laughed accordingly. "Oh Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, you don't know the half of it. You think Butters was part of my big Nazi scheme? You'll have to realize, it was the other way around."
"…What?"
"Follow me."
Meanwhile, Butters was having no luck whatsoever.
"We can't leave you alone for one second, can we?" His father roared as he loomed above him in his mighty daddy scariness. "We just can't trust you at all, Butters! The minute we turn our backs, you're off trying to take over the world!"
Butters blinked, then sighed and looked at his toes. "Yeah…"
"Now you listen here! You are forbidden from seeing that Eric Cartman ever again! Do you hear me?"
Butters' head shot up, eyes widening in disbelief. "But Dad!"
"Do you hear me?"
Three broken glasses, a thrown fruit basket, and a punch in the wall later, Butters lay wailing into his sheets, for his parents had grounded him. Again. This time for the next six months, forever if you count coming into contact with Eric Cartman. As he sullenly changed into his pajamas, he thought he heard a noise from the closet.
TROUBLE. ALWAYS EXPERIENCING SO MUCH TROUBLE.
"W-what?" He squeaked. "Who's that?"
WHY, IT'S ME, BUTTERS. DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME?
Slowly, he peered into the sliding doors, only to see the glint of aluminum foil. "Professor Chaos! Is that you?"
CORRECT YOU ARE! NOW, ARE YOU READY TO WREAK HAVOC ON THOSE WHO HAVE CAUSED SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR YOU!
"I don't think that's a good idea, Professor Chaos. It's way passed my bedtime."
FOOL! DON'T YOU SEE? YOU WILL ALWAYS EXPERIENCE PAIN AND SUPPRESSION. YOU MUST LEARN TO FIGHT BACK! FIRST, YOUR FATHER, ALWAYS PUNISHING YOU.
"True," Butters muttered forlornly, "very true..."
YOUR MOTHER, ALWAYS MAKING YOU EAT ICKY STUFF YOU DON'T WANT.
"Especially when it's o-one of them funny-looking pills she makes me swallow..." Butters continued, voice becoming darker and darker.
AND FINALLY, THAT DAMNED ERIC CARTMAN—
What?" Butters cried, snapping out of it. "N-now you just wait a second!"
HUH? He sounded affronted.
"I don't want to hear another word," Butters lectured. "Eric might be a mean ol' thing sometimes, and s-sure he makes fun of me a lot, but I admire him so much! He's smart, and funny, and he always has the best kinda food! He-he's like the symbol of freedom, he can stand up to anybody, he can tell anybody what to do! And even if my dad won't let me talk to him ever again, I sure as heck won't do anything bad to him! He would never deserve that!"
"So, basically, you like Butters because he's pretty, he likes doing chores, and he does whatever the hell you say," Kyle blanched. "Like a housewife?"
"Seeing as he's also got the biggest weiner in the grade, I figured that once averaged out into shared penis sizes mine is a healthy 1.9."
Kyle slapped himself in the face. "I can't believe I'm hearing this…"
The two were sitting in Cartman's basement, sitting at opposite ends of the table with a stack of papers between them. Cartman had poured them some ice water, and was calmly drinking his own as he watched Kyle beat himself up in disbelief.
"Cartman," Kyle began again, "don't you realize that you like Butters for all the wrong reasons? You think he's pretty because he's Aryan! You like his personality because you're a manipulative asshole! And all of this started right after your stupid dream! Do you even look at yourself and think you're making any sense?"
Putting his ice water down, Cartman took the time to slowly raise an eyebrow in amusement, and then pulled in the stack of papers to straighten them out with a small tap. "All me to explain. At first, I had no idea what the fuck was going on. It was like, why Butters? Why the douche with the funny hair? But then, I began reflecting upon myself, looking inward. I realized that it made sense that I'd seek a male partner, for without a father, my life is empty, bare, vacant. The Oedipus complex—"
"Do you even know what that is?"
"—shut your trap and let me finish—the Oedipus complex didn't apply to me because I had no father to kill, and why the fuck would I want to sleep with my mom? I suppose I will always want what I can't have." Cartman flipped to another sheet. "And Butters...Butters was always there for me, mostly because he was too gullible to say no to my genius, albeit far-fetched, ideas. I always thought it was just me manipulating him and his totally not noticing. But it just...changed. The minute it sounded like we were doing something together." Cartman flipped to yet another sheet, and then coughed awkwardly. "Plus I think I sorta liked him sometime between putting his penis in my mouth and when we went to Super Phun Thyme and he wouldn't let go of my hand—"
"You did what? When were you two at Super Phun Thyme together?"
"Anyway," Cartman snarled loudly, "I knew that if Butters didn't actually like me, he'd be too stupid to notice, so of course I had to think of some way to keep him. That's when I realized, a baby, just between the two of us, would play up his maternal instincts. Throw in ruling the world alongside me, and that basically sealed the deal. He was mine."
Kyle gaped. Dude, he thought, I always knew Cartman was messed up, but not to this extent.
"But now that you know my secret," Cartman finished menacingly, as the sun slowly set on his darkening face, "you realize I just can't let you go. I will have to kill you."
The basement door shut closed on cue. Kyle whirled around in shock. He had nowhere to go.
A/N - So all weirdness aside on Cartman's part, I wanted to provide a small character study on how they could genuinely like each other. I hope their complementary forces make sense. Also, Cartman might indeed like Butters for all the wrong reasons, but he sure knows how to treat him. ;)