It's Buttman, Baby!
Summary – After a prophetic dream, Cartman awakes convinced that he must finish what Hitler began. To begin with, he'll have to start the perfect Aryan race, and there is only one boy with the genes for that.
Warning – everything Cartman-related, i.e. extreme anti-Semitism, cursing, offensive language; and now really cute gayness!
Disclaimer – South Park is owned by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, both of whom I idolize and do not wish to profit from their marvelous work
A/N – I'd like to thank everyone who tagged along for the adventure, reading and reviewing my mad schemes. You guys are great. :D
Also, I believe I should explain the slight change in Cartman's character. Since he's my absolute favorite character, I've given him perhaps a bigger heart than he actually has, in the form of confidence and sympathy. This allowed him to have an open relationship with Butters. Whether the canon!Cartman could do the same, I think not, but with the soft spots he's shown in the series I think he has potential. So I exploited it. ^^
Furthermore, here's some long-overdue credit to the idea I completely stole. Perfect by Tweek Tweekers turned my light interest in Buttman into a full-out shipping. You should definitely consider reading it, it's adorable.
Maybe I'll write more South Park fanfiction in the future. Like an explanation for why Stan is so in love with Wendy or a focus into Ike's dark, Canadian past. For the time being, however, this is the end. Give the Buttman baby lots of love!
"Cartman…" Kyle said slowly, barely breathing, hanging on to Cartman's every move as he felt himself backing away against the wall. "Cartman…I know what you're thinking…don't do it…"
There was a maddening glint in Cartman's eyes as he pulled out an MP 40 (and what a suitable gun for Cartman, Kyle thought dully) and made his way to Kyle. "I've wanted to kill you for a long time. Now's my chance. I can't have everyone knowing I'm totally gay for Butters."
"Everyone already knows!"
"They all think it's fake! You thought it was fake! And that was fine, that was all fine until you called me out on it! Now you have to die! I have no choice!" Cartman took a deep breath, and grinned. "In fact, I think I'm gonna enjoy this. Finally get to shoot the Jew down. With a Nazi gun."
"Oh brother," Kyle muttered, half-terrified, half-incredulous.
"Say hi to Jesus for me, I hope you beg for his forgiveness…" Cartman loaded the gun. He began to take aim slowly.
"Stop!" A high-pitched voice from upstairs called, banging on the door frantically. As he listened to the voice more, a change seemed to come over Cartman. "Eric, I know what you're about to do! Don't kill Kyle, please!"
"Butters?" He sputtered in disbelief. "Is that you? What are you doing here?"
"I sorta, um, ran away from home."
That, as everyone knew, was unheard of. Butters Scotch didn't break rules; that is, unless the four of them forced him to, and here he was pounding on Cartman's basement door after his father had told him never to see the boy ever again.
"Please, don't kill Kyle."
Cartman growled. "Damn it, why not? It's my house, my rules. And this Jew is dead meat!"
It began to sound like Butters was having a panic attack on the other side of the door (no doubt the combined influence of disobeying his father and listening to Cartman threatening to shoot someone). Kyle knew this was a far shot, but he might as well try. "This is your chance, Cartman," he whispered shakily.
Cartman blinked and looked at him. "What?"
"This is your chance to prove yourself," Kyle continued. "Do you love Butters more than you hate me? Because if you do, if you really do like you said you did, the decision should be easy. Do you love Butters more than you hate me?"
The gun began to tremble. Butters could be heard sniffling sniffling. Cartman breathed slow and deep. Kyle watched and waited. This was more than Cartman's chance. It was his only chance.
When Cartman looked him dead in the eye and slowly began to raise the gun to eye level, Kyle knew he was done for, and damn it why did he ever believe that Cartman would love anyone more than he hated a Jew, when suddenly—
—the gun fell on the floor. Kyle stared. Cartman had thrown it away. He now refused to meet Kyle in the eye.
"You better not tell anyone about this," He warned gravely, "or else I really will pop your head off."
"Not a soul will know," Kyle smiled, watching as Cartman turned around without another word to unlock the door. He heard a distant "shit, Butters, you made a puddle on my floor" and then "whatever, you can hide in my room, your dad can kiss my ass for all I care".
Maybe Butters did idolize Cartman a bit too much, and wishes he were him sometimes. And maybe Cartman does need someone to suit his superiority issues and controversial aesthetic beliefs. But Kyle realized, it's okay if those two have the most skewed way of viewing the world he's ever seen, because they can view it that way together.
"Actually, no," Kyle glared at the screen. "I'm just happy I'm alive, you dumb bitch."
EPILOGUE
"Hello everyone," Stan said pleasantly. "Kenny wanted to read the epilogue, but for whatever reason none of the rehearsal audiences could understand him. So I'm here to take his place.
"After Kyle went home unharmed and Butters ate more of Mrs. Cartman's home-cooking, Cartman called the police on Butters' dad and told them a story, some true and some not, that put him in a psychiatric ward and under the supervision of a parenting counselor, with an assistant that would tase him up the ass upon request. Butters is currently living a much freer life, and is enjoying it way too much for his own good.
"Lady Gaga got wind of the Buttman story and decided to pay for the baby herself, being a huge supporter of LGBTQ rights and a huge weirdo herself. Cartman located some random chick from Swiss countryside to be the carrier, and since he's Cartman he spent nine months talking to her about the merits of an all-Aryan world, so now she's completely Americanized and brainwashed.
"Furthermore, Kenny still hasn't died in this episode, something we all should be very proud of. Now, let's look at the baby being born."
The scene zoned in on a crisp white hospital bed, surrounded by a group of now-fifth graders, along with Cartman's mom who looked bursting with happiness ("I have a grandson, oh my poopsikins has made me so happy!") and Butters' dad, who looked severely traumatized.
"It's perfect," Cartman said in awe, as he watched the baby being passed on to Butters. With hair so light it was nearly white, and skin pinched with a fresh pinkness, everyone had to admit it really was the most adorable thing they had ever seen.
"Look at you, you're so cute!" Butters cooed, wrapping his own little arms carefully around the blanketed figure, where it seemed to settle happily. "Loo loo loo, who's the cutest in the world? Loo loo loo, you're the cutest in the world! Oh, Kenny, you want to hold him? Alright!"
But the minute Butters extended his arms, the baby seemed to recognize the change in bodies, for it grabbed the sharpest medical tool it could find and stabbed Kenny in the face. Butters stared in horrified shock at the bloodied mess at his feet, and then slowly took the baby back near his chest. It calmed immediately. "Y-you killed Kenny," Butters whispered at his own son.
That's when Cartman burst into laughter. "Oh man! This baby is sick! It's gonna be the most badass thing you ever saw!"
Stan and Kyle exchanged glances, then sighed collectively. "We might as well let him have this one happy ending," Stan said. "We know that he's gonna completely fail as a father and he and Butters are gonna break up once they go to college."
"I hear you, dude," Kyle nodded in agreement. That's when they saw Cartman pull Butters in for a final kiss, and they both puked up their breakfast of scrambled eggs. Which, it turns out, comes out much the way it goes in.
"Sorry," Stan said weakly when Cartman turned to glare at them. "Guess we're still not used to it."
CUE MUSIC