The face in front of you is empty: once smiling, once bright with joy and happiness, all gone, sucked away, gone off to where, you don't know. A trickle of something - is it blood? - slides down her face, to mix in with the oily liquid that is most definitely her blood: only then, watching it melt in with the dimming brightness, do you realize that is your own. It isn't your blood, you faintly realize, it is your tears.
You are crying, and when you glance down at her chest, you see why.
There is a hole there: right through her chest, right through where her heart should be. Seeing this again doesn't make it any more believable, doesn't lessen the sting the sight brings you, doesn't do anything but make you sink all the lower. Your light, your hope, your everything is fading before your very eyes.
And you, the prince of hope, can do nothing but watch.
As the glow of her skin fades, as her hand grows cold and clammy in your own, as tears messily slosh down your face onto the ground, you finally realize it. You realize why her blood covers your pants, your shoes, your shirt, your skin: and it is not because you are by her side. You are the one who has caused your own suffering: you are the one who has brought death to Feferi, you are the scum who has murdered something pure. And this brings the absolute worst kind of dirt onto you.
When the memories return, it feels as if your head has been split open with a hammer; all the pain, all the hurt, all the anger returns to you in one second. You are overwhelmed, as you see the memories run by: getting your wand, knocking out Sollux, killing Feferi and then Kanaya; and you fail to hold back a sob. If this is what knowing feels like, you think you'd rather stay unaware, however more painful it would be.
You don't know when you finally step away from her body, coldly letting her hand drop to her side, but it isn't until after a while. You thought before that you were slowly dying, but now, as you fall again back into your state of forgetfulness, you know that you've been dead for a long while. The pain of losing her, the pain of everything, it will never fade, not completely. And you need something to wash it all away: you need your hope.
But how you will get it back, you do not know.
You don't know anything, remember?