Chapter 3 - Impatience is a Virtue

"Are you ready to move on? But I can tell that you're holding onto things that won't I can tell you don't like it. And you're beginning to let go of the shit to get by." - Impatience is a Virtue, Two Door Cinema Club

Hell no. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

"Why the hell did you do that?" I screamed. I was pissed off. Beyond pissed off - more like an erupting volcano.

Mark Westwood, a boy in my art class, had knocked over all of my paints.

He looked alarmed, "I'm so sorry!" he repeated over and over.

I kept glaring, but not at him. If I glared at him I might end up throwing paint all over him. So I settled on the floor.

"It was an accident," he continued. "Here, I'll clean it up for you."

I sighed. Seeing him so scared made me feel bad. I reminded myself that I had to calm down. After all it was just an accident.

"S'okay. I'm sorry for bitching at you...I'm just tired."

Last night was horrible. The howling was too awful to ignore. It took a while for me to calm down. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the painful howls from last night. When dawn finally broke, I raced to the shower. The warm water helped soothe me. I liked the warm. My body always welcomes it with a thank you basket and flowers.

"Yeah, well sorry." He offered me a small smile and walked away.

I heard snickering from behind me, which turned out to be Demi, "Calm down." she ordered.

I blushed, "Yeah..." I began to take slow deep breaths.

"Now put on your painting apron or you're going to get paint on your clothes."

Any other day I would agree with her, Mandy would kill me if I ruined my clothes, but today I didn't really care. I was wearing sweats and my hair was up for once. I simply didn't care about anything today.

Thankfully, art went by pretty fast today. By the time the bell rung, I was over Mark spilling my paint.

Second period I had biology. Our lesson today focused on protons and electrons. My eyelids were fluttering, threatening to close at any second. Are we ever going to use this in our daily lives?

I couldn't wait to get out of there. The second the bell rung, I sprinted out.

"Hon, why are your beautiful eyes so tired?" Jordy asked me in third period.

I groaned. "I didn't get enough sleep last night. So please, let me sleep now!" I begged.

He left me alone for about ten minutes. Then he started poking me.

"What's wrong with you?" I whispered-yelled.

"I want to talk. Without you I'm pretty much a loner in this class."

He wasn't kidding about that.

A few kids in our school, the closed-minded ones, were real jerks. They poked fun at him because of his sexuality. Thankfully the rest of our classmates didn't tolerate their behavior - they all loved Jordy. It was hard not to get the pants charmed off you by him.

"Sorry." I whipped the sleep off my eyes. "What's up?"

His face broke into a huge smile. "I think I am in love."

My eyes went wide. I grinned at him, an obvious invitation for him to continue.

"He's not from here. I met him at a boutique in Port Angles."

"Oh, so you're talking about that guy." Right away I knew whom he was talking about. Three months ago, while we were shopping, this tall man came up to us offering his services.

He smiled, "Yeah him. I've visited a couple times since then. And yesterday I finally asked him out on a date. We're going out tonight!"

I'm sure I was smiling from ear to ear. I was so happy for him.

"Wait. Why am I just now hearing about this?" I asked him with a stern look. He busted out his best puppy-dog face, the one he knew I couldn't stay mad at.

For the next thirty minutes, Jordy told me everything I needed to know about his lover. His name was Jeffrey, he was nineteen and a half, and he was a Libra.

I tried really hard to give Jordy my undivided attention, but my focus kept shifting. I was beginning to feel anxious. There were only a few minutes left until my fourth period class - the one I had with Jared.

Thinking about Jared brought the butterflies to my tummy.

My eyes drifted to the clock above the door.

Thirty seconds for the bell. Twenty-nine...fourteen, thirteen...three, two, one.

"You better hurry to lunch. I want to finish telling you about my Jeff." Jordy yelled over the roar of the bell before giving me a hug.

The butterflies in my tummy seemed to get more and more out of control as I got closer to class.

Be cool Kim. I thought to myself before going inside.

I sat at my assigned seat and waited patiently for Jared to arrive. I took out my notebook and a pen - his seat was empty. The bell rang again, initiating class. His seat was still empty.

After fifteen minutes, I decided he ditched. I tried not to feel too disappointed. I couldn't help it though. I had been so exited to catch a glimpse of him today.

Today is going to be a long day.

It took forever but lunch finally rolled around.

"My mother keeps saying she's going to move us from here," Jordy complained, with one arm around Noah and the other around me.

"Your mom has been saying that for the past two years." Rob pointed out.

"I think she's serious this time!"

There was multiple conversations going on at once. I stayed in my usual quiet state. Noah and Demi were talking about their dogs. Jordy and Rob were still arguing about whether or not Jordy was moving. Jordy looked at me a few times but didn't say anything. That boy knew me better than I did. He knew I would talk to him about whatever was bothering me when I was ready.

The day dragged me by the wrists. I was so happy I could cry when I got home.

"What's wrong?" John asked. We were all in the living room watching Titanic.

My head was resting on a pillow. "Nothing. I'm just really tired. Now be quiet. I love this part." I whispered. Jack was holding Rose as they looked over the ocean. They leaned towards each other and kissed for the first time.

"Aww." Jordy squealed from across the living room.

I knocked out a while later. The last thing I remember was Jack calling Rose stupid because she wouldn't get on the damn lifeboat. I also remember Jordy leaving at eleven, when Jack was drawing Rose nude.

When I blinked my eyes open I was tucked into my bed. "What the…?" I asked out loud, my voice still thick with sleep.

In the distance I heard a howl. It wasn't a pain filled howl, thankfully. This time it sounded tired. I went out to the balcony Mandy and I share - her curtain was closed.

"Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay." I whispered into the night. I knew that the animal couldn't hear me, and even if it could it wouldn't understand me, but I felt the overwhelming need to comfort it.

The following week was more or less the same.

Jared was still absent, I was more tired than ever, the days were getting longer and longer, and the animal, a wolf according to John, howled every night.

More time passed and I had yet to see Jared. To be fair, no one on the Rez had seen him at all.

With Jared gone, my attention at school began to slack. I woke up every morning wishing the day to be over already. As more time passed, I was slowly becoming anti-social. I would spend my lunch hour at the library. And whenever human contact was necessary, I would involuntarily start spacing out. Even at home I was never fully there.

I felt so lost and I couldn't understand why.

Dear Diary,

It's been nineteen days since I last saw Jared. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from feeling so affected by his disappearance. Living like this is so frustrating.

I want to feel normal again.

School is difficult. I can think of a million things I would rather be doing than sitting in a desk.

I'm trying so hard to function normal… it's just not going to happen though. Mandy is really the only person who is keeping me together at this point. She doesn't know exactly why I'm feeling the way I am, she just sits with me and tries to remind me that everything is going to be okay. I want to believe her so bad. That's going to end sooner or later. She's leaving tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen with me when she's gone. I'm really scared for myself.

Love, K.

The next morning was dreadful. There was no school, it was Saturday, but today was the day Mandy was leaving.

We spent most of the day as a family. We had breakfast, cleaned a bit, bantered like nothing was wrong, and watched a few movies. We were all trying so hard not to make things awkward, but I think you could still feel it in the air. When it was finally time for Mandy to go I became a wreck.

I threw myself at her and brought her into a big hug. I didn't want her to leave.

"Please take care of yourself." She whispered quietly so only I could hear.

I nodded. "I'm going to miss you. Come back to us, please. Or… or just don't even leave."

She shook her head. "Unlikely. Don't forget that you can call me anytime. If you need anything, or if you just want to talk, call me. Okay?"

I wanted to beg her to stay. I already knew what her answer would be though. So with a heavy heart, I watched her get into our father's car.

… … …

Dear diary,

It's been twenty-eight days since I last saw him.

My heart hurts. I'm not lying. Right around the part were my heart should be I feel a gaping hole. I still don't understand why this is happening.

A crush is a crush. Or do they say crush, but actually mean your chest will start to hurt from the crushing?

I feel awful.

Jordy keeps asking me questions I don't know the answer to. I still care about him but I really don't want to talk to him. I know he is worried, and I hate to worry him, but I can't talk to him. I can't talk to anyone. It won't make any difference.

Mandy is still with them. I talked to her yesterday. She feels bad about leaving me here to deal with my problems alone. I told her that she shouldn't feel bad. I'm a big girl and can handle my own.

My feelings are frightening me. It's not normal to feel like this. I don't even know him.

Not even his friends have heard a thing from him! I know he hasn't moved because everyone would know about it by now. He hasn't dropped out either because, again, everyone would know about it.

So far I've heard rumors that Jared has been arrested, that he's in juvey-hall, and that he ran away. The rumors going around don't make any sense. The only reasonable rumor is that he is very sick. I'm not sure if I buy it though.

Someone else has also gone off the radar- Paul Lahote. It's weird. He's been gone for almost two weeks now. No one has seen him either. Some people are becoming paranoid. They're worried that their friends will be gone next.

I just want him to come back to school. Everyday I hope for him to show up and everyday I go home disappointed. Waiting for the day he'll come back isn't easy. When you're waiting for something to happen, every second of waiting feels like an hour. Every hour feels like a day. And every day feels like a lifetime. The sound of the clock's hands ticking each second is pure torture.

I'm still waiting for a miracle.

Love, K.

… … …

So far only Jordy knew how Jared's absence was affecting me. I think he always knew.

He tried comforting me, and offering me advice. I was grateful and all, but I told him that I wanted to deal with it on my own. I rather suffer in silence than to drag him to my level.

For everyone else I put on a brave face- a mask. But Demi was beginning to notice something was up.

She was looking at me strangely today.

"What?" I asked quietly, not looking directly at her. I tried focusing on the art task at hand.

"Are you okay?" She sounded genuinely worried.

I tried my hardest to play it cool. "Yeah." My voice was threatening to break.

"Kim, please," she whispered, "You know you can trust me. As in you can tell me anything."

My eyes felt very tired. I closed them for a second.

"I don't know what's happening. Or why it's happening…" I mumbled. It felt incredibly good to say it out loud. It also reopened the wound in my heart. There was no pain free way to talk about him.

"What do you mean?" her stare was questioning.

I stayed quiet.

"You can't just say that and leave it there. What's going on?" She demanded. "I am so worried for you. I can see it in your eyes -something is wrong."

"Just drop it okay!"

"Why? Why won't you tell me?" She yelled. It drew curious eyes to us.

My nostrils flared. "Drop it. There's nothing to say."

"Don't tell me it's nothing, okay. I need to know."

My mask cracked.

"Demi, I don't have the strength or patience to talk about it. I'll tell you when I'm ready..."My voice was horse.

"I'll be here when you are then." She patted my arm and left me to finish my sketch.

Later that day my three brothers cornered me at my balcony.

"Kim! Eat. Now." Wes commanded.

"I'm not hungry! I love your cooking, but I'm just not very hungry." I tried explaining.

Wes was as hard headed as I was though. He kept on trying and I kept on refusing. Jordy was sitting next to me laughing.

George groaned. "She's obviously not going to eat anything." He said sourly, and then gave me a pointed look. "Are you on a diet? You know that most diets don't even work?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm not on a diet."

"Are you lying to me? You don't have to starve yourself. If this is a weight issue you can come with me to the gym."

"Name a food and I'll get it for you!" John cut in. "Please Kim! Just eat something."

I was touched that my brothers were trying so hard to get me to eat. It was getting annoying but I appreciated their concern.

"Well, this is going no where." He concluded. "Just tell me when you're hungry."

After that they all left.

Jordy got up and started braiding my hair. He was trying to relax me. He did told me silly things he'd done, silly things other had done, and the latest gossip. He did all those things in an attempt to get me to forget about Jared- even if it was only for a little while.

When he left I pulled out my diary and began writing.

Dear Diary,

Mandy called today. She immediately asked me what was wrong. I didn't tell her. I couldn't. Talking won't help. How much more of this will I be able to take? What if he never comes back?

Paul hasn't come back yet either.

The wolf hasn't been howling. I mean, it still howls but not as often as it used to. John, the animal expert, said he suspects its more than one wolf. At least they have each other.

I wish Demi would understand. She said I can talk to her when I'm ready, but I sort of feel like she's pressuring me to tell her. I know she just wants to help but I need her to let me do this on my own.

As for Mandy, she's doing well. When she call earlier today, her voice was sad. It better not be because of them. I really want her to come back. I miss her a lot. I don't know if things would be easier with her here, but I do know she would try her hardest to make it feel that way.

I've decided that I want to let go of this crush. Easier said than done. I want to feel normal though. I'm so tired of feeling like this and waiting for him to come back. The only thing I have of him is the memories of sitting next to him. But it's just a memory. Those memories aren't good enough.

I want to wake up tomorrow and feel normal. I want to feel happiness - an emotion that I haven't honestly felt in a while.

At the moment I'm not even asking to see him. I'm just asking for whatever it is that's supposed to happen, to happen.

I'm making it my mission to be happy tomorrow.

Love, K.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt normal. It was a March miracle.

I put on a decent outfit, something Jordy would approve of, and ate a decent breakfast. The look on Wes's face was priceless. School was going to be different today; I could feel it in my bones.

I got a ride with George, like always. He bombarded me with questions about my sudden attitude change the whole way to school.

I walked into my first period art class with a smile I had not worn in a while.

"Hey!" Demi greeted me, with a matching smiling.

We talked today more than we had in a while. It wasn't much, but at least it was something.

"I'm glad to see your smile." She said.

Me too.

When I got to third period math, Jordy nearly attacked me.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked, feeling very alarmed.

He pulled me into a tight hug and whispered, "Jared is here today."

My heart stopped, and then began pounding loudly into my chest. I couldn't breath. I almost fainted.

Jared is here today.

The words kept playing through my head.

to be continued...

Guess who's back back back. Back again. Jared's back, tell a friend.

... ... ...

AN: If you've read this before you might, or possibly not, notice a few tweaks in the story. I started writing this in Feb. 2010, I was younger then and had no idea what I was writing at times. I still don't… Anyway, I was reading this the other day and noticed that this story is a hot mess! So I'm definitely changing a few things, nothing too major though. I doubt anyone is still reading this b/c my updating has slacked for like a year.

If you are still reading this fic: enjoy this "improved" version.

If you are new to this fic: HURRAY! Keep on reading my friend! Don't forget to comment :D

Chapter Playlist -

*Impatience is Virtue - Two Door Cinema Club

*Asleep - The Smiths

*Don't Bother Me - The Beatles

*Done All Wrong - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

*Yellow Light - Of Monsters and Men

*Where is My Love - Kat Power