New beginnings...

A/N: I still own nothing...only wish I did!

One night in late July, Jordan is lying in his bunk on the bus thinking about Angela. It's 2 a.m., and he can't sleep. It had been over 3 weeks since he had last been home and he was missing her. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was her face. He couldn't wait for the next week to be over. Next Saturday, Residue is wrapping up their 8 month tour, and it can't come soon enough for him.

Jordan VO: I'm tired of this damn bunk on this damn bus. I can't wait to go to sleep with her in my arms every night. I love her just as much today as I did the first time I said the words to her.

That night 1995

"Jordan, why did you bring me to the loft?" Angela asked as we pulled up out front. She'd been quiet since we got in the car. Not really looking at me, just staring out the passenger side window.

"I should tell you something, so I like thought we could come here to talk, or whatever." I shut off the engine and reached for her hand, but she pulled away.

"You know what, just take me back home. I can't do this tonight." She continues to sit in the car, not moving.

I laid my head back against the seat and closed my eyes for a minute. When I opened my eyes and looked over at her, she looked like she was about to cry.

Jordan VO: Shit. I've gotta tell her how I feel. This is all so fucked up. Why can't I just say it?

Not wanting to see her cry, I looked away. "Look, Angela. I need for you to know that I didn't write that letter. I mean, I did write it, it was my handwriting and all, but I asked Brain to help me." I looked back at her and there were tears streaming down her face. I wanted so bad to pull her into my arms and hold her, but I thought she would push me away again, so I just sat there watching her cry.

"I know you didn't write the letter. Brian told Ricky that he wrote it for you. But why, Jordan? Why did you need help? And why did you ask Brian, of all people, to help you? Don't you understand? He really wrote that letter to me, not just for you, but for him." I could tell that she was really upset.

"God, Angela. I tried to talk to you. You know, like the other day in Katimski's? You wouldn't even look at me." I reached for her hand again and this time she didn't pull away. "I don't know what to say to you."

"How about, 'Angela, I'm sorry'. That usually works." Laughing harshly, she shook her head. "I loved that letter, Jordan. I was so happy when I read it. It was everything I ever wanted you to say. But you didn't say those things to me. Don't you see, those were Brian's words."

"I thought that's what you wanted, all those pretty words. Damn it, Angela, I can't give you that. I asked Brian to help me because when it comes to you, I can't even put two fucking sentences together. I tried, to you know, write you over and over again, but it all came out wrong." I pulled her closer to me on the seat. "Look, I know that I've done some really stupid shit. I really am sorry, not just about the letter, but about everything."

"Why couldn't you just say that to me? Am I so hard to talk to?" She put her hand on my face and looked up at me. "I think I understand why you asked Brian for help, but it doesn't change the fact that those weren't your words. You can't just give me a love letter written by someone else and expect everything to be ok."

"I really fucked up, is that what you want me to say? I know I hurt you. I'm a dumb ass and I pushed you away because you wouldn't have sex with me. And then, I couldn't stay away from you. Christ, Angela, I just wanted to be with you. You were the one person who actually cared about me. All of a sudden, you weren't there anymore. I mean, I still saw you, but you stopped talking to me like you used to, and then I saw you looking at that Corey guy like you used to look at me." I let go of her hand and ran my fingers through my hair. "I couldn't stand it. I went out that night and got wasted. I wanted to like forget it all. I ran into Graff and she was drinking, too. That's how it all happened."

"Jordan, I don't want you to tell me about that. I don't want to know." She took my hand again. "I forgive you but I haven't forgotten about it. You were my, well, almost boyfriend, but she was my best friend. She betrayed me."

"Angela, I need to tell you so that you'll understand. Then maybe you and Graff can like work things out. It wasn't like that with her. I was so fucked up and we were talking about you. I couldn't stop picturing you with that guy and I was missing you so much. I don't even know how it happened. I just kinda remember afterward." Talking about it was making me sick to my stomach, but I had to tell her.

"But we weren't together, Jordan. Not that I didn't want to be with you. I did everything I could to be around you, including doing your homework. You're the one who told me that we were just friends and you didn't want to take advantage of me anymore. That's why I signed you up for tutoring. I thought you wanted me to forget about you." Sighing loudly, she continued, "And I have to admit, I saw you watching me in the hall that day. I was trying to make you jealous."

"Well, it damn sure worked! I wanted to kill that guy." I pulled her into my arms and when she didn't pull away, I kissed her. "Will you please come inside with me? I have something I want to show you."

"Just for a little while. I need to get back home." She kissed my cheek. I opened my door and pulled her out behind me. We walked the steps to the loft holding hands.

When we got inside, I sat her down in the hammock before I walked over to my guitar and picked it up. I pulled a chair over to sit in front of her. She was sitting there looking at me expectantly. "I wrote you a song. I want to play it for you."

Jordan VO: I can't believe how nervous I am. What if she doesn't like it? God, this girl scares me to death.

I can't believe that she's sitting in front of me, looking at me like she used to. I closed my eyes and started singing softly to her.

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

When I opened my eyes and looked up at her, she was crying again. I sat my guitar on the floor and walked over to the hammock where she was sitting. Kneeling on the floor in front of her, I took her by the hands. "Angela, why are you crying, babe?"

"Oh, Jordan. It was beautiful. Did you really write that for me?"

"Red, every song I've written since I met you has been for you. I can't get you out of my head. I thought I could forget you. I thought I could just walk away, but I like can't. I've never felt the way I feel for you before. I don't know how to handle these feelings." I couldn't resist, I leaned in and gave her a long, slow kiss. I pulled back and looked her in the eye. "Angela, I love you."

Present day

Not really thinking about it, he picks up his phone and calls her. Sleepily she answers the phone, "Jordan? Is everything ok?"

"Hey, babe. Yeah, everything's ok. I was just lying here thinking about you. I can't sleep and I wanted to hear your voice." He rubs his hand down his face. "I miss you, Red. I can't wait for the next 10 days to be over."

Now awake, Angela chuckles. "Jordan, you do know it's after 2 a.m., right? I miss you, too. But you interrupted my beauty sleep."

"Aw, babe. I wasn't even thinking about the time. I'm sorry. I was just wishing I were home in bed with you, instead of on this damn tour bus. I want to see your beautiful face when I wake up every morning, instead of having to look at Shane and Tommy. I want to be there to see your body change as our baby grows inside of you. I just want to be home with you and Maddie."

Rolling over onto his side facing the wall, he pulls the covers up to his chin and he whispers to her, "Hey, Red, what are you wearing?"

"JORDAN! I'm so not doing this with you. And besides, I'm 5 and a half months pregnant. You don't want to fantasize about that." She laughs out loud.

"What? You used to do this with me. Don't you remember all the nights we stayed up late talking on the phone? You may not have been ready to go all the way, but you sure as hell liked to talk dirty to me. I had no idea that you even knew about half the stuff you used to say to me." Smiling to himself, he says, "C'mon, baby. Have some pity on me."

"Jordan, you're on a bus with your friends. I will not have phone sex with you."

"An-ge-la, just tell me what you have on. Please?" He loves to tease her like this.

"Oh my god, I'm hanging up now. You need to get some sleep since you have a show tomorrow. Call me when you wake up, at a decent hour."

"Oh, alright. Go back to sleep and I'll lay here and fantasize about what your hair looks like spread out on my pillow and how your breasts are swollen and perky. I'll think about running my hands over your soft round belly and your creamy thighs." Not wanting to hang up, but knowing they both need sleep, he says, "Good night, babe. I love you."

"I love you, too. I'll talk to you later." Just as she's about to hang up, she whispers, "Jordan, I'm not wearing anything."

Before he can say anything the line is dead. With her still on his mind, it was a long time before he gave in to sleep. When he did, he had a smile on his face.