Here, finally, is the next chapter. Thank you, as always, to jbird for her great beta-work. And thank you all for the reviews that I've received so far! Now, let's go on with the story.
Tomorrow
by Serataja
-Chapter 4-
Meditations on the Abyss, Part 2
August 2001
"Sam, thank God, there you are," Jack said right behind her.
She turned around, confused at first, because he didn't look like the New York FBI Agent she had come to know. He was wearing jeans, hiking boots, a woolen sweater and fiberfill vest; he looked as if he belonged in that kind of outfit.
"Where have you been?" he asked, his voice edgy with concern. "I've been on the phone with Vivian several times in the last hour. We couldn't figure out what had happened to you. I was just about to call in Airport Security-"
She'd had enough. She was fed up, and this was the final straw.
"I've been held up in the tiny, stuffy office of an incompetent airline employee," she told him in a low and furious voice. "He tried to find out where the hell my suitcase went. It's probably on its way to Honolulu by now, and you know what, Jack? I wish I was on the same flight. And if you are so equally incompetent in doing your job that you can't even find one of your agents in a small backwater airport calling itself international…"
"Whoa, whoa…" Jack said, trying to slow her down.
"I didn't even get a cup of coffee," she hissed at him.
He narrowed his eyes. Sam wrapped her arms around herself, shivering a little in the drafty hall.
"Sam…"
"Don't you dare say anything, just-"
Without further ado she was wrapped in a hug, her arms were trapped against his chest, her nose buried in the soft, warm wool of the sweater. She took a trembling breath, drawing in the smell that was him and that she loved right along with the rest of the man. She felt him rest his cheek against her hair. His warmth began seeping into her body.
"This is the first time I've seen you lose it," he mumbled close to her ear, fascinated that this woman, who could stand a suspect down fearlessly and without blinking, would be bothered by a lost suitcase.
"I'm not losing it," she mumbled against his chest, trying to sound dignified, "I was merely being hysterical. I'm a woman. It's my prerogative."
She could hear the chuckle starting deep in Jack's throat.
"And this is the first time I've heard a woman admit that she might be hysterical. I've seen worse, though. Much worse, believe me."
For a moment his arms were holding her even closer and she wondered what he was thinking. Did he feel safe in touching her, now that they were thousands of miles away from New York and the people who knew them?
She was starting to relax when he released her and held her at arms length.
"You are freezing," he said, not quite meeting her eyes. "Didn't you bring a jacket?"
She rolled her eyes. What kind of investigator was he?
"It's in my suitcase," she explained impatiently, "which is on the way to God knows where."
He smiled at her, not minding her irritation, with a rare light in his eyes. It was in that moment that she lost the rest of her heart to him.
He saw her expression change and grew unsure of himself. She had all but told him a couple of months before that the feelings they had for each other would pass in time. Maybe her feelings for him had changed already; maybe he had taken too much for granted.
The arriving passengers of the next flight were streaming into the arrivals area. There were hugs and kisses everywhere, and no one cast a second glance at the man and the woman, standing off to one side, pretty much lost in each other.
Jack took off his fiberfill vest and made Sam put it on. It was far too big, but she wrapped it around herself, crossing her arms over her chest.
Jack was still looking at her.
He cleared his throat.
"I'm glad you're here," he said.
Sam sneezed. She was definitely developing a cold. She raised her eyes.
When he didn't get the reaction he expected, he stressed the point one more time.
"I'm really glad you're here."
Now a small smile curled her lips.
"I'm really glad I'm here, too, if that means that you'll treat me again like someone you actually know."
Strained lines appeared around his eyes.
"Sam…"
"You've been treating me like a stranger, lately. Please, don't ever do that to me again."
"So you noticed…"
"Are you kidding, Jack? If you've made up with your wife, I'm happy for you, but does that really mean you have to treat me like some random acquaintance?"
He was at a loss for words. She was thoroughly throwing him off balance.
"I'm attracted to you, Jack," she said in a low voice, telling him a fifteen percent truth. It never occurred to her until years later that he hadn't seen past those words, that he had never understood how much she loved him. "And I understand that you have a family. I'm fine with that. Just don't treat me like I'm poison."
Of course she wasn't really fine with any of this, but there was no way she could bring herself to tell him the truth. That would be like begging and she had never begged for anything in her life.
"Sam…" He struggled for words, finally settling on a lame: "I'm sorry."
But she continued to look at him as if she was still waiting for something. He had no idea what she wanted to hear. She sneezed again, shivering a little and pulling the fiberfill vest tighter around her. Jack touched her arm.
"You're still cold. I think I have a blanket in the car."
It was not so much his words but the look in his eyes that told her the truth. He had not been pulling back from her because he had lost interest. He had been pulling back because whatever it was between them, was threatening to become too strong to handle safely.
Too strong to resist.
To Jack's complete surprise Sam threw her arms around his neck, hugging him full-length and he could feel her body on every inch of his. Rational thought took a leave of absence. He was only just able to suppress a moan and stay on his feet, although his knees felt like jelly. The desire to be touched by her again, tenderly, was so strong that everything else around him descended into a fog.
000
The weekend with Maria had started out on a good note. They had stayed for two nights in a small hotel on Long Beach Island. The weather had been beautiful and they had taken long walks, eaten lobster and talked about their girls, their last holiday - which had been almost two years ago - and the view. Everything had been fine, and Jack had felt good about his marriage for the first time in ages. They'd actually had fun together.When the evening had come and they'd been alone in their hotel room, she had let herself be seduced quite easily. Jack had been touched and pleased, being very gentle and taking it slow as always, as she tended to be uncomfortable when he was too passionate. Still, she had been more unresponsive than usual and that had taken away a lot of the pleasure for him. Afterwards he had summoned up his courage and asked her what was wrong. They didn't usually talk about this sort of thing, and she hadn't wanted to talk about it right then. He had tried to make light of the whole situation by pointing out that she was using the line that was usually his. That had made her laugh.
They had talked some more and after a while she had finally confessed that, since Kate was born, she hadn't really enjoyed sleeping with him any more.
Jack had been hurt, feeling rejected but then she had told him, quite convincingly, it wasn't his fault; she just didn't feel the need. And she had added:
"I wish you weren't so insistent all the time."
That remark had plunged him into half an hour of extensive soul-searching. She had been reading and finally he had turned toward her again, and asked her what exactly she meant. In a slightly impatient way, she had told him that he was just too insensitive to her needs, had been so for years and that he really needed to work on it.
Jack had tried to work that out for another ten minutes,before coming to the conclusion that she was probably right, but feeling at a loss what to do about it. She had told him so often that he was away too much, that she needed him to be at home, and that she needed him to pay more attention. Now, when he was finally doing just that, she gave him the feeling he was coming on too strong.
"Why did you never tell me?" he had asked.
Maria had laughed out loud.
"Jack, I'm telling you several times a day. You're just not listening."
After a while she had added:
"You never listen."
Afterwards, Jack had known that he had been stupid to fall into that old trap again. They had argued for the better part of an hour without resolving anything. In the end, she had gone on to talk about his 'psychological flaws', his childhood - which she called unhappy - and what his job was doing to him. He had heard it all before, so he stopped listening. Her ranting had become worse, and he had felt guilty when he realized that he was doing precisely what she accused him of.
After a while she had calmed down.
In the end he had reached for her again, trying to tell her that he was sorry.
"Not now, Jack," she had replied, pushing him away. "I'm really tired."
Jack had stayed awake for hours after that.
He had thought about the day they had married. Her parents had been there, pleased and catholic to the core, proud that their only daughter was about to marry a former soldier, someone who had been prepared to give his life for his country. Jack's father, a soldier as well, though recently retired, had not come to the service. He hadn't set foot inside a church since his wife killed herself and would never again. Of course that had not been the explanation Jack gave his future parents-in-law.
In his mind, Jack had still heard the words he had spoken on that day: '…For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.'
Although his faith had been waning already then, he had intended to stay true to those words, but on that night he had started to doubt if he could really see it through. They had been working on the 'for worse' part for a while now and things had not been improving. This was not the way he wanted his marriage to be. Maria seemed to be quite happy keeping him at arms length, while demanding that he be at home more often, but he needed something else. Above all he was extremely tired of having to justify himself at every turn of the road.
The rest of the weekend they had been polite like two strangers. She had permitted him a small kiss on the second night and that had been it. Back in New York, they had continued to share a bed - on the nights he didn't choose to stay on the sofa - but she had not let him touch her.
Once he had stopped being angry, Jack had wanted to make it work after all. And for the first few weeks everything had been fine. Maria had been more relaxed than in years and that had made him feel relieved.
But even if he'd had a release for the tension that was continually building up in him, there was something else that he could not have ignored forever. He told himself, over and over again, that his growing attraction for Sam – and to tell the truth if it grew much further he'd probably spontaneously combust one of these days – was just part of his overall frustration and had nothing to do with love at all. The problem was that he didn't really have his feelings under control any more. He was hanging on to a fine thread.
000
Sam felt that his reaction was a bit more than she had bargained for. She released him, bringing a few feet of distance between them, and raising one hand in an apologetic gesture.
"Sorry, Jack. I shouldn't have done that."
He shook his head, shocked into silence by his own need for her.
"We have to buy you some clothes," he finally managed to say.
Sam let him lead her out of the airport to the SUV he had rented. He held the door for her and waited until she had settled down before closing it. Then he climbed in beside her, but he didn't start the car, staring out of the windscreen instead, seeing nothing.
Sam hadn't expected to find him so vulnerable. She hadn't realized how much she depended on him to keep just the right distance. Now she could barely hold herself back from reaching out for him. With a touch of bitterness she thought back to a time when she thought she had everything under control.
He took a deep breath.
"Sam, I don't want to do this."
She turned her head to look at him, suddenly afraid.
"Do what?"
He fought an inner battle. Part of him wanted very badly, more than anything in the world to give in and take whatever she was willing to offer. Another part, wanting someone else to blame, was cursing Maria. If she hadn't kicked him out of her bed for the past two months he would have been all right…most likely have been all right. Well, maybe he would have been all right.
With a sinking heart he realized that it probably wouldn't have made a difference.
But there were other things to consider, too.
"Sam, what is the most important thing in you life?"
She didn't have to think.
"My work," she lied.
He nodded, believing her words.
"Hanna and Kate are the most important parts of mine."
"And you can't lose them."
He was quiet.
Sam stared down at her hands, digging her fingernails into her palms. She realized that she had made the major mistake of underestimating her own feelings for him. Control, what a joke… She could control these feelings as little as she could control whether it rained or snowed. She was so close to tears she didn't dare to look up or make a sound. No, this was not something to be controlled, and since there seemed to be no way to resolve it, she had only one other option – to endure. She forced her hands open and fastened her seatbelt.
"I told you, Jack, it's fine," she said, surprised at how normal her voice sounded.
"I…," he cleared his throat, "I just need you to…uh…keep your…"
"I'll keep my distance, Jack, it's fine."
"It's not that I don't…"
"I understand, Jack, you don't have to explain," she said.
Silence spun out and finally, he started the car. She was startled when he reached over and took her hand.
"Look at me, Sam."
She turned her head.
"I need to know that you're okay."
She smiled a little.
"Jack, I'm…"
"You're fine, I know, but I need you to be honest with me."
She could feel a tear slip out of the corner of one eye and looked away. His fingers tightened their grip.
"Talk to me."
It took a couple of moments before she could speak.
"Tell me about the case."
"Sam."
She turned toward him again and their eyes locked.
"Please, Jack, just tell me about the case."
So he did, and while they were driving toward Anchorage the details of the case and the requirements of the work brought back at least a semblance of balance.
TBC