Disclaimer: Law and Order and SVU don't belong to me. I wish I could claim them, but alas they belong to Dick Wolf and the other people over at NBC.
Authors Note: To those who watch the mothership I should warn you that I am messing with timelines a bit, so Abbie is still working for the DA's office, but Serena has already been fired. Next chapter the rating on this story will change. Most chapters will still be T content, but because of occasional M chapters I will be changing the rating on the whole story. I will but notices at the top of each M chapter and it should be possible to read the story without the M chapters if you so desire. It should also be noted that the chapters will not be smut or especially graphic, but based on the context any sort of detail requires a rating change in my mind. Thanks to all those who are reading the story and especially to Ray25 for the kind review.
"Talk to the detectives," he told her. "Let them help you." There was a brief pause, then he added, "And get yourself an attorney. If you don't have one by tomorrow there will be one waiting at your bail hearing. I'm not letting you go undefended."
He turned and walked away. As the door swung shut behind him, Abbie softly spoke two words: "Thanks, Jack." Alone, she let herself cry once more, bitter tears mixed with a bit of healing.
The next morning, despite arriving to work early, there was already a message for Benson and Stabler from Captain Cragen. Abbie had called last night and requested to see them again before her arraignment hearing. Both of them were surprised, based on Abbie's behavior yesterday they had thought that she wouldn't be able or willing to answer any more questions. It had seemed almost as if she had wanted to prosecute herself. Still, they were hopeful that perhaps she had changed her mind.
When they arrived at the jail, Abbie had already been waiting in the conference room for a good twenty minutes. The detectives had called to say they would be coming in soon, and the bailiffs figured since Abbie didn't seem to be a current danger it would be easier to just bring her to the conference room right away and lock her in. It was unlikely that she would do any damage to the room, and the bailiff was too familiar with Abbie to worry about her doing any harm to herself, although given the circumstances and her recent behavior, he probably shouldn't have been basing decisions on normal Abbie.
She was lost in thought by the time Benson and Stabler arrived. Her thoughts kept drifting back to the case Jack had brought up- the Simonelli case. At the time, despite her reluctant sympathy, she had considered herself better than Simonelli. After all, Simonelli had ordered the man killed. Abbie had truly believed then, that even if she had the chance she wouldn't have done the same to Michael. She knew better now. She had hurt him seriously, and if there hadn't been anyone else around there was no doubt in her mind that she would have killed him. She had let Simonelli off easy because of the sympathy, the blame. Perhaps she deserved some sympathy too, as much as it killed her to consider it. She still wasn't sure that she had done the right thing in that case, though, and she had no clue what the right thing was now.
Abbie's thoughts were interrupted by the detectives entering the room. "You wanted to see us," Elliot said, sitting down.
Olivia closed the door and joined Elliot at the table, a curious look on her face.
"Yes," Abbie said quietly. "There were things that I couldn't tell you now that I think I can now. I'm not sure if it will make any difference, though. I don't know if it should."
"Well," Olivia suggested gently, "Why don't you leave that up to us?"
Abbie nodded and then looked down at the table for a minute gathering her courage before she looked back up and meet eyes with the detectives again. "Ask me whatever you want," she told them. "I'll do my best to answer."
"Yesterday you said you knew Michael Tucker. How about you tell us how you know him." Elliot asked.
Abbie sighed and steeled herself to answer. She had known that this question would come up. "I'm probably going to tell you more than you need to know. I can't really separate the parts well right now," she said. She paused for a second and then began again. "He went to the University of Texas like I did. One day, early in my freshman year- late September actually, I finally got around to going to the law library. I'd been planning to for a while, I don't know why, I guess I just wanted to see it. I was standing there, not really knowing what to do now that I was there- I didn't really need anything. That was when I first saw him."
"I guess he saw me looking confused because he came over. He introduced himself and asked if he could help me with anything. We talked for a while and then he asked me to dinner. I was so excited that this cute boy was interested in me- this cute older boy. I was an idiot," she added derisively.
Olivia reached out her hand and placed it lightly on Abbie's, trying to give her some support. Abbie flinched, but allowed Olivia's hand to stay on hers.
"I told him where I lived and he said he'd come pick me up for dinner on Saturday at six. I don't know why I still remember the time. I spent forever getting ready for that date. I'd had a few dates in high school, but they were awkward ones with boys I'd known forever. This felt different. I borrowed some clothes from a friend. They weren't quite as casual as my usual clothes- a bit more revealing. Not too lowcut though. I don't think they were too lowcut." She stumbled over that a bit, wondering if they had been, wondering if that had been part of the problem, if it had been partially her fault.
She took another deep breath before continuing, trying to calm herself. "We went to dinner and it was pretty nice. We talked a lot. He told me all about law school since he knew I wanted to become a lawyer. Afterwards he walked me back to my room and asked if he could come in for a bit. I let him." She paused yet again, cursing herself silently for that decision. "He suggested I put on some music and I did. We talked for a bit longer and then he kissed me. It was fine at first, but then I got really uncomfortable. I hadn't dated much, so I was nervous and I didn't really know how to say I wanted to stop."
"When his hands started to creep up under my shirt, I freaked out. I told him I didn't want to do this and that I thought he should leave now. He called me a tease and said that I owed him this. He said he knew what I wanted- he could tell by what I wore."
"He pushed me against the bed then, and I kept telling him no, but he didn't stop. Then he, he…" her voice broke and she couldn't finish the sentence. "I screamed a few times, but the music was loud and people were always screaming for stupid reasons on my floor, so nobody knew what was going on. I kept asking him to stop, but he wouldn't and eventually I gave up and just lay there silently. Maybe I should have screamed louder or done something different," she finished, pulling her hand away from Olivia and shrinking into herself as if she could hold herself together that way. Her eyes gleamed with unshed tears.
Olivia and Elliot looked at Abbie in shock for a moment. Finally Olivia regained her composure and suddenly in her mind everything clicked. "Abbie," she asked gently. "I need you to actually say it so we have it on record. Did Michael Tucker rape you?"
Abbie looked down at the table as she answered. "Yes," she said. "He raped me." A tear began trickling down her cheek as she finally said that word out loud. Even when she had told Jack she had managed to avoid using that word. It made it too real for her. "It hurt like hell," she added softly, more to herself than to the detectives. "But I think it hurt more that it was my first time and he took that from me."
"Did you report it?" Elliot asked, praying she had. Without a complaint of any kind it would carry much less weight in court.
"No. I was too ashamed and scared. He started a rumor that I was easy and people believed him. I even believed him for a while, and I blamed myself for years. I thought that if I told anyone they would believe him, not me. Besides, I couldn't believe that I had let that happen to me."
"You didn't let it happen," Olivia informed her. "No one lets it happen. It's never the victims fault." After a brief moment she added, "Abbie, we believe you, but you've been a prosecutor long enough to know that won't go far in court. We can use a polygraph, but by itself that won't be enough. Did you tell anyone ever?"
Abbie was confused for a brief moment. They wouldn't be prosecuting him- the statute of limitations was long over. Then she remembered that they were talking about her trial. This would be evidence to shorten her sentence, not to put Tucker away. She hated the thought that she would go to jail and he wouldn't. It was her fault though, she thought, her fault for not reporting the rape and her fault for attacking him. She would have to tell the story again, she realized with horror, for the polygraph and in court. In court where the other attorney would get to tear her to shreds.
She was jolted suddenly out of her thoughts by Olivia repeating her question a bit louder. "Sorry, I didn't catch that," Abbie said.
"I need to know if you told anyone Abbie," Olivia repeated again.
"Not then. I told Jack McCoy a few years ago. He knew something was up based on how I reacted to a case and then afterwards I told him. First person I told after all those years."
"Have you interacted with him since?" Elliot asked.
"Jack McCoy?" Abbie questioned. "Of course I have. I work for him."
"No," Elliot said, slightly bemused. "Michael Tucker."
"I saw him around campus a few times, and I heard about the rumors he was spreading from other people, but I didn't have anything to do with him after that night. Yesterday was the first time I had seen him in well over a decade."
"Did you know he would be on the case?"
"I had no clue. I'm not sure of what I would have done if I had. I just saw him standing there and I panicked. Then he asked how I'd been and the next thing I knew he was on the ground and I was hitting him and then I was being hauled away by the bailiffs."
"So you didn't plan to attack him," Olivia asked.
"No," Abbie responded shaking her head. She was smart enough to keep the rest of her thought to herself: No, I didn't plan it, but I'm not sorry either.
"Okay Abbie," Olivia told her. "I think that's all for now, unless you have something else you need to tell us." She paused, then continued when Abbie remained silent. "We need to go talk to some people before your arraignment. We'll see you in a few hours." Olivia stood to leave and Elliot followed suit. She patted Abbie's shoulder for a second before she turned to go. Abbie tried not to flinch, but failed. She thought about what Olivia had just said and realized she still didn't have an attorney. She needed to get one and fast. She'd ask for a phone call when the bailiff returned.
A sudden thought crossed Abbie's mind as the detectives headed towards the door. No one had told her anything about Tucker's condition. "How badly did I hurt him?" she asked nervously.
"Pretty bad," Elliot told her honestly. "The doctors think he'll recover, but they aren't completely sure. He's still in a coma right now." After a minute of silence, he and Olivia left the room, shutting the door behind them. Abbie sat at the table in silence, waiting for a bailiff to come get her. She wasn't sure what to feel about the news. Every emotion from happiness to horror and pride to shame ran through her head. She still didn't know whether him being dead would be a good thing or not. At the moment it seemed like it might.
Authors Note: This was a really hard chapter to write. Hopefully it turned out okay. Any and all advice would be highly appreciated. Just a brief reminder that the story will be changing rating next chapter. Thank you all for reading, and don't forget to review. It doesn't have to be anything profound, just knowing that people are reading and care about the story makes my day.