Tales from the Academy

Third Interlude

Winterfair Reflections

Vicereine Countess Cordelia Vorkosigan stepped from the ground car halted in front of the Viceroy's Palace on the planet Sergyar. An armsman and several servants stood there waiting to greet her return. She'd only been gone a few hours, but from the expressions on their faces you'd think she'd been away for months. She exchanged a few words with them, assuring herself that there had been no catastrophes in her absence, and then climbed the short flight of stairs leading to the front door.

The palace was a very modest affair by the standards of the Barryaran Empire. Only a fraction of the size of the Emperor's palace, not even as large as Vorkosigan House in Vorbarr Sultana. It was built almost entirely from local materials and in an architectural style several generations out of date which, unfortunately, her husband was unaccountably fond of. But, she had to admit, the result was quite appropriate to the setting and function. The building had the grandeur expected for the man ruling the planet in the Emperor's Name, but was not so ostentatious as to seem an insult to the hard-working frontiersmen—and frontierswomen!—who made up most of the planet's population.

The building was still decorated for Winterfair, which had come a few days ago, even though Sergyar's seasons bore no relationship to Barrayar's and nothing resembling winter ever came to these regions. But tradition was tradition and few people were more enamored to tradition than Barrayarans.

She handed off her shawl to a servant and then made her way through the glass-walled corridor that connected the main building with the attached administrative annex that was the nerve center of the planetary government. She breezed right past the secretary with a wave of her hand and into Aral's office and his face broke into a smile when he saw her. She planted a kiss on his cheek and then stepped back. "Good afternoon, Love," he said. "The inspection go well?"

"Well enough," she replied. "Although I tried not to make it seem like an inspection."

"But that's what it was, wasn't it?"

"Yes," she sighed and plunked down in a chair. She'd spent the morning touring the schools of the capital city. Among the several duties she'd assumed for herself, both to lighten Aral's load and to prevent herself from going crazy from boredom, she was the head of Sergyar's Department of Education. "I don't like coming across as the heavy-handed Imperial Authority, but I do want them all to know that someone is interested—and watching. It's walking a fine line, sometimes."

"But you were satisfied?"

"For the most part, yes. The city schools are at least on the level you'd find in Vorbarr Sultanna or any of the big cities on Barrayar. We've got some good teachers and the facilities aren't bad, either. It's just…

"Only a fraction of the planet's population lives here," finished Aral.

"Yes. That's it exactly. The vast majority live on isolated farms or tiny villages in the outback. The planetary information net is available to anyone who cares to use it and the on-line classes are very good, but I'm afraid for all those kids out there who are too busy to take advantage of it."

"We're a frontier world, Love. Survival has to be first priority."

"I know. And there isn't really a great deal I can do in any case. But it is frustrating at times…" She suddenly got up from the chair. "Well, I'm keeping you from your own work. I'll see you at dinner?"

"Of course. Estavan Vordalla and his wife are coming. He wants to bend my ear about accelerating the program to introduce new terrestrial species to the environment." He rolled his eyes. "He's got his heart set on a sheep empire in the Galgan Highlands. Perhaps you can remind him of the need for a thorough study of the environmental impact."

"I'll do my best. See you at dinner." She left his office and went down the hall to her own suite of rooms. She let her secretary bring her up to date on the day's events and then went to her desk, sat down and activated the comconsole. She took care of a few routine matters and then turned to a batch of messages that had arrived by courier from Barrayar. Most of the Winterfair greetings had come with the previous ship, but there were a few from Miles and Ekaterin with vids of the grandchildren enjoying the festivities. She watched them several times with a soft smile on her face. She wished they'd been able to get home this year, but the plan was that Miles and Ekaterin and the children would make their first trip to Sergyar in a few months. She was looking forward to that enormously.

She read through a few tardy messages from other friends and then stopped. A smile came to her lips. Anny! A message from Anny Payne. The young woman who she'd helped get into the Academy rarely had the time to send messages, but Cordelia always enjoyed hearing from her. She hit the key and Anny's image appeared on the screen. She was smiling and Cordelia found herself smiling, too. Anny's buoyant personality always did that to her. The nervous girl she'd first seen in the courtyard of the residency in Hassadar was now a confident, mature woman. She recognized the small room in Vorkosigan House that Anny used when she was there, so she had come for Winterfair. In fact, now that she thought about it, she'd seen Anny in the background of a few of the vids that Miles had sent.

"Happy Winterfair, My Lady," said Anny. "I was sorry to hear that you weren't coming to Barrayar this year. I hope all is well with you and the Viceroy on Sergyar. I especially wanted to thank you for the message you sent when I got the medal for… for what happened during the fire. It was very thoughtful of you both." Cordelia nodded in satisfaction. Anny had acted with great professionalism and bravery during a terrible forest fire in Vorkosigan District and personally helped save two of her comrades from the flames. She'd been awarded the Distinguished Service Star, a mid-level decoration in the large array of Barrayaran military awards. It was a solid vindication of all the efforts she'd made to get Anny into the service.

"I can't begin to thank you for all that you've done for me, My Lady," Anny continued. "But… but I was really hoping to talk to you." The smile on Anny's face faltered and she looked very serious. Cordelia sat up and frowned. What's wrong? "Something… something happened during the fire. Something that took me by surprise. I'd been so focused on the immediate problems of getting through the Academy that I… I don't think I'd ever really thought about what would happen after I made it through. Being in command…" Anny paused and shook her head. Cordelia sucked in her breath and suddenly knew what was wrong. She looked Death in the eyes and didn't like what she saw. Damn, she's still so young!

"I'm sorry, My Lady, I'm not being very clear, I know. It's still pretty confused in my head, too. But just talking about it helps, I guess. The next time we meet, if you can spare me a few moments I'd really like to talk to you. I… your son, the Lord Auditor, has agreed to talk to me tomorrow about this. Maybe we can…" Anny was growing visibly flustered and after another moment she made an awkward good-bye and the message ended. Cordelia leaned back in her chair and sighed. She was slightly amazed that Anny had actually sent the message. But clearly there was something really bothering her and she was reaching out to anyone she thought might help. But Miles… She checked the date on the message and saw that it was from two days ago. Anny would have already talked to Miles…

What did you say to her, son?

[Scene Break]

Miles gestured to a chair that sat by the large windows overlooking the gardens. "Have a seat, Anny." The young woman did so and sat perched on the edge of it, her back ramrod straight. She looked like a cadet even in civilian clothes. He took another chair facing her.

"Thank you for making the time to see me, sir," she replied. She looked very tense, had been looking very tense for the last several days. Miles was afraid he knew why.

"Glad to do it, Anny. You're not just a guest here, you know. I'd like to think that we are friends, too." She smiled briefly and nodded. "But what's on your mind?"

She looked down and the floor and rubbed her hands. "During the fire… when we were at Silvy Vale, I mean… you said… you asked me if it was hard to send people into danger. It was. A lot harder than I'd expected. It's been bothering me ever since." She paused and looked at him. He nodded at her to go ahead. "As an officer it's going to be my duty to order people into danger. Probably dangers a lot worse than the fire. Some of them are going to get killed or wounded, sir. During the fire… there wasn't any time to think about things then. We just did what we had to. But now that I've had some time to think, I'm worried. Worried that…"

"That you won't be able to do it when the situation arises again?" asked Miles.

"Yes, sir. That's it exactly. What if I can't? Or what if I hesitate? In combat seconds are critical and even hesitating could get more people killed. If I can't do this I don't belong in the military. But how can I know until the time comes?"

"You can't," he said. "But if it's any comfort, in combat you probably won't have any more time to stop and think than you did during the fire. You didn't hesitate then and you probably won't in combat. But if you didn't worry about the possibility… well, you'd hardly be human, would you? It's not the sort of thing any rational human wouldn't worry about."

"I guess that's true, sir. But the reason I wanted to talk to you was because… because I'm guessing you've faced the situation before. I tried to look up your military record, but it's mostly classified, but I'd heard rumors and I thought… I thought it might help to talk to you, sir. If you don't mind." She looked at him earnestly, almost pleadingly.

But not hatefully. Thank all the gods, saints and demons, not hatefully!

Miles silently sighed in relief. It was clear that this had been eating at Anny ever since it happened. But it had been eating at Miles, too. She hadn't seen, thankfully no one but Pym had really seen, how he'd very nearly come apart when he thought she and the other three cadets had been killed in the fire—the fire he'd forced them to fight.

He could still see himself standing there, grinning like a fool, as the rescue party returned with the family of refugees, as the fire line was completed. Oh yeah, he'd done it again! Pulled a miracle out of his ass, saved the day, saved Silvy Vale! Lem and Harra would be so pleased with him. And that's what it had all been about, hadn't it? Pleasing Lem and Harra, looking good in their eyes. What a damned idiot! Then it had all crumbled to ash. The cry for help over the com, Anny and Jer dashing off to save their friends and him, still standing there, unable to do a frigging thing about it. He'd shouted, screamed into the com, but there was no answer. And then the fire had come. A howling red beast, eating everything in its path, it had come right up to the edge of the firebreak. Nothing that lived could have survived.

He'd wept and cursed and screamed at Pym to call for a medical shuttle with cryo-pods, even though there was no point in trying to freeze a body that had been roasted black. He kept shouting into the com for Anny, even though he knew there was no hope.

But then there'd been an answer. Against all reason, Anny and the other three were alive. It was a miracle. He'd very nearly collapsed right there. He'd held himself together long enough to arrange for an evac shuttle, but then Pym had to practically carry him back to his lightflyer. He wasn't due for his seizure stimulator for another three days, but he felt like he was having one right there. But he'd never felt more relieved in his life, not even the day his children were born. He'd been given a new chance, a reprieve from a fatal screw-up. But if they had died… Sergeant Beatrice slipping through his fingers again into the shrieking dark, Bothari bleeding to death in front of him… Silvy Vale had been important to him, to a lot of people, but in the end it was still just a pile of logs and shingles, not worth four young lives…

"My Lord?" He jerked and saw Anny looking at him, concerned.

"No, no, I don't mind at all, Anny. Glad to do it. It can be a hard thing… a very hard thing."

"And you've done it, haven't you, sir?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I have." Just a few weeks ago. She doesn't seem to realize that, does she? I was worried that she did—and that she hated me for it. But there was no hate in her eyes. There ought to be, but there wasn't. You didn't put your friends in harm's way, girl, I did. But someday it might be her turn. Her question was still a valid one.

"Anny… Anny, I know you can keep your mouth shut when you have to, I've asked you to before. I'm asking you to again. I'm going to tell you about some of that classified career of mine. Most of it's not really that much of a secret anymore, but I'd still prefer you didn't go blabbing this around, okay?"

"Of course, sir." He eyes were wide and he had her full attention.

"For ten years I was ImpSec Galactic Ops, working for Simon Illyan. You've met Simon a few times, haven't you? Well, don't let the 'kindly uncle' act fool you, he was the hardest, sharpest leader ImpSec ever had. He demanded results… and I was one of the guys who produced them. As part of my cover I was… I pretended to be the commander of a mercenary unit. It was a mixed space and ground force of about squadron/brigade size. We were good, too. Oh yeah, we were good. I was as proud of them as you are of C Company. Some of the stuff we pulled off…" He paused and thought back to a few of their more spectacular successes. He was tempted to elaborate, but no, this wasn't the time. "Anyway, as their commander, sometimes I had to order them into danger. Our specialty was cleverness rather than brute force, but even so, sometimes some of my people didn't come back."

"And it hurt, didn't it, sir?" Anny's expression was very solemn, her large green eyes followed his every move.

"Yes. Yes it did. And not just because I loved them, every blessed one of them, but because they loved me in return." Anny's eyebrows rose and he gave her a grim smile. "That's the worst part of this, y'know? A good commander has to care for his troops, take care of them, make them feel proud of themselves. That's how you get the maximum results from them. They try to teach you those tricks at the Academy, don't they? But what they don't tell you, Anny, is that if you succeed, if you succeed, your troops will love you for it. C Company loves you, Anny, don't they?"

The look of shock and embarrassment on her face made Miles smile. "I… They…" she stammered.

"Of course they do. I could see it in their faces when they thought they'd lost you in the fire. We had to hold some of them back from dashing into the inferno to find you. And the joy on their faces when you turned up alive. Of course half of them—probably more than half—are in love with you, or think they are. No getting around that with a bunch of horny boys that age. My merc outfit was a mixed crew and there were women in it who were in love with me. A few men, too, for that matter, we were very galactic, y'know. But even without the sex, the love that soldiers can have for a favorite commander can be as intense as any other kind of love. So you take these people, make them into soldiers, give them victories, give them pride, get them to love you—and then send them out to die." Miles paused and shook his head, this wasn't doing Anny any good, he was getting way too cynical. "It's a trap. The better you do your job, the harder it makes it to do your job."

"So how do you do it, sir?"

Miles shrugged. "There's no secret, Anny, no magic way to avoid the pain. Some people just harden themselves, refuse to let themselves love their people and ignore the love that they give back. It can work sometimes. Others… Well, you either find a way to do it that doesn't drive you crazy—or find a different line of work." The woman frowned. Clearly, this wasn't the answer she was hoping for. He wished he had a better answer for her, but there wasn't one.

"The one thing, the only thing that really made it bearable for me," he continued, "was knowing that deep down they weren't really dying for me. Not for me. My troopers were mercenaries, of course, and each one had their own reasons for being there. You'll be commanding Barrayarans and you need to realize that while you might be the one giving the order that sends them to their deaths, they aren't dying for you, Anny. Not for you, not for the idiots who put you all in that situation, not even for the Emperor. If they die they are dying for Barrayar. You're willing to die for Barrayar, aren't you?" Anny nodded. "Well, so are they. You have to accept that. You have to accept that now and when the time comes to give the order."

"I… I'll try, sir." The look on her face was very thoughtful.

"And there is one thing you can do, Cadet-Captain. Having your troops killed is bad enough, but there's something far worse: having them killed needlessly. Wasting your peoples' lives." Like I nearly wasted yours. "Getting them killed because you didn't do your job the best you could. That's the one thing about this whole mess that you can control. Learn your trade and then do your job as best you can—and pray the price doesn't get too high."

He stopped and looked at her and she looked back. The silence went on for quite a while and slowly she began to nod her head. Finally she stood up. "Thank you, sir," she said quietly. "Thank you very much."

He stood up, too. He was tempted to offer her a hug, but he wasn't sure how she'd respond to that. And with the Winterfair mob in Vorkosigan house the only private spot available had been the sitting room in his and Ekaterin's suite. No… he offered her his hand instead and she took it. "Any time you want to talk, Anny," he said. "I'm available any time." She thanked him again and left, shutting the door behind her.

He turned and looked out the window. A fresh snow had covered the gardens and some of the plants made long rows of lumps that looked unpleasantly grave-like. He hoped that he'd helped Anny, but he knew from experience that this was a fight she could only win on her own. It was something every officer had to deal with, but Anny had been forced to face it much sooner than most. And Barrayar's warrior traditions could barely admit that the issue even existed. Unlike in other galactic militaries, there were almost no official channels to get psychological help. These young officers were just expected to deal with it. And it was a dozen times worse for Anny. She was clearly worried that if she dared approach anyone in the chain of command with her doubts that they would just brand her a weak, emotional girl, unfit for command. And she was right, they would, the bastards. No doubt that was why she'd come to him in the first place. She'll make it through. There's iron in that one. But damnation, what a burden for someone so young… You were even younger, kiddo.

Barrayar eats its own children…

He suddenly turned and went through the doors into the private areas of the suite. Little Aral and Helen were playing with some of their Winterfair gifts and Ekaterin was watching them. He thumped down on the floor beside them and gathered both into his arms and pressed his face into their hair. They squealed and squirmed, but he held them tight.

"Miles…?" said Ekaterin. "Is everything all right?"

The kids wriggled free of his grasp and he turned to face his wife.

"Yes. Everything's fine."

[Scene Break]

Jer Naddel wandered through Vorkosigan House and despite all the people bustling about, felt a little lonely. Patric had returned to South Continent to be with his family on the holiday and Alby was spending some time with his parents. Anny had disappeared somewhere this morning. He knew he was very lucky being able to spend his breaks from the Academy here or at the homes of his friends. He couldn't afford to return to Komarr and when he first came to Barrayar he'd expected to be stuck in the barracks during leaves for lack of anywhere else to go. He'd never imagined that he might make some real friends who would care enough about him to invite him home with them.

But he had. Friends, real friends. It still sort of amazed him. Growing up on Komarr he'd only had a few close friends and looking back now none of them seemed all that close, not compared to how he felt about Patric and Alby… and Anny. Coming here he'd hoped that he might make friends with some of the handful of other Komarrans at the Academy, but there hadn't been any in his company. He'd just assumed that none of the Barrayarans would want to be his friend.

But one of the first people he'd met had been Anny Payne. A Barrayaran, but even more of an outcast them himself. They'd become friends, more out of self-preservation than anything else—at least at first. Before long they had drawn Alby Vorsworth and Patric Mederov into their little group. From there… from there they'd become closer friends than Jer would have believed possible.

Alby, smart-assed, wise-cracking, never-met-a-rule-he-wouldn't-like-to-break, Alby Vorsworth gave an irreverently irrepressible air to the group. When everyone else got too serious you could always depend on Alby to put things in perspective. By all rights Jer shouldn't have liked spoiled, privileged, Alby at all, but somehow it was impossible not to.

Patric was quiet and thoughtful. He didn't say much, but when he did say something it was worth listening to. He had a strength that went far beyond his impressive physique. He was someone you could trust to watch your back.

And then there was Anny. Jer couldn't think of anyone he'd ever met who he admired more. Of course, Jer had to admit that he was a romantic at heart. Komarr had never had anything resembling a military tradition. It's only military force was its navy which was strictly a defensive force and an escort for the trade fleets and the first and only time it had ever faced a serious threat—the Barrayarans—it had lost badly. Jer's fascination with things military wasn't quite normal among his people, but instead of ignoring it and going into business like his family expected, he'd astounded them all by applying to the Academy. He was honest enough to realize that his illusions about military glory were exactly that: illusions, but he didn't care. There was something about it all, the pomp and circumstance, the long traditions, the comradeship that tugged at his secret soul. He could find nothing in Komarran society to fill that longing, so he'd come to Barrayar.

He'd quickly realized that Anny was a kindred spirit and shared many of those same feelings. But she faced obstacles far, far worse than he did in trying to make her dreams a reality. While it was true that many Barrayarans didn't like Komarrans and didn't want to see them in the military, at least he wasn't the first Komarran to try it. Others had gone before him, blazing the trail. Anny was the first woman to ever attend the Academy and there were a lot of people outraged by her attempt. Some of the things they'd done to her to try and drive her out had left him furious and desperately wishing there was some way to help her—or strike back at her tormentors. But Anny had just taken it. Taken everything they'd dished out and kept right on going. If they'd done half the stuff to him that they'd done to her, he would have been back on Komarr two years ago. Her cool courage and determination had impressed everyone else in the company. There wasn't a man in C Company who wouldn't follow her to hell. We did follow her to hell—just a few months ago. Anny's tireless leadership during the fire had fused the bond. It was solid and unbreakable now. Jer's position as company first sergeant made him her right hand and there was nothing else he'd rather be.

His wanderings in the huge old mansion had led him—as they often did—to the library on the first floor. The shelves and shelves of bound books fascinated him. Komarr had never had its high-technology civilization interrupted the way Barrayar had so virtually all books and documents were electronic. Bound books weren't nearly as convenient, but there was just something about them. The feel, the smell, even the sound of the rustling pages… the romantic in him again, no doubt.

He was heading for a shelf that he knew held dozens of old volumes on military history during Barrayar's Time of Isolation when he realized that he wasn't alone in the room. Abigail Vorburn was curled up on one of the overstuffed chairs with a book in her lap. Abigail had gotten help from Countess Vorkosigan on Sergyar to get into the Academy, just as Anny had, and that had included a standing invitation to Vorkosigan House. She looked up and smiled. "Oh, hi, Abbie," he said.

"Hello, Jer," she replied. "Looking for something to read?"

"Yeah. But I'm surprised to find you here. I figured Alby would have dragged you off to his house with him."

Her smile faded. "He tried, but I told him no." Her expression grew very pensive. "Jer, can I talk to you?"

"Sure. What about?"

"Alby."

"Oh. What, is he…? Um…?"

"Getting too pushy? Yes, you might say so. Or maybe not, I don't know. He hasn't done anything… inappropriate. I mean not really. Nothing physical, anyway… well…" She was blushing and Jer felt his face heating.

"If he tried anything, Anny would skin him alive—after I got done with him!"

"Oh dear, I don't want to get him into trouble! It's not anything he's done, it's… it's what he wants to do—and I don't mean that!" The girl was getting flustered and Jer sat down in a chair facing her.

"Well, what does he want to do—if it's not 'that'?"

"He wants to fall in love with me. And he wants me to fall in love with him. Not that I'm against that in principle, I mean he's a very nice boy and considering who his family is under any other circumstances I'd be thrilled. But… but…"

"This isn't the time or the place?" suggested Jer.

"Yes! Exactly! Even if it weren't against regulation, this just isn't the time! I'm serious about wanting to get my commission and this could just wreck… everything!"

"It sure could—and not just for the two of you."

"I know! There would be people who'd claim I was trying to seduce Alby for his family's money or that having women here was disrupting things or some other such nonsense. They'd use that to try and discredit the whole idea of women in the military!"

Jer raised an eyebrow. Abbie had clearly thought this through—or been thoroughly warned of the consequences by Countess Vorkosigan. Perhaps someone needed to warn Alby of the consequences. It was pretty clear that Alby had been emotionally starved while growing up. Since coming to the Academy he'd been given a taste of real affection and friendship. Was he craving even more now?

"I'll have a talk with him. Knock some sense into him."

"Oh please don't be too hard on him, Jer! I mean I do like him a lot. I still want to be friends with him. If there was just some way to… to work things out. Y'know, the way you and Anny have."

"What?"

"Well, it's pretty obvious that you two…"

"Pretty obvious that we what?" Jer looked at the girl with a growing sense of shock. What the hell does she mean?

"Well, that you… y-you really care for each other," stuttered Abbie, becoming flustered in turn. "And… and you both seem to deal with it so well I just thought…"

Jer rocked back in his chair with his mouth open. "I… She's my company commander," he managed to force out after a moment. "And I'm her first sergeant. It's natural that we'd have a close working relationship."

"Oh! I… I thought it was more than…"

"You were mistaken, cadet." Jer frowned at her and she flinched.

"I-I'm sorry!"

Jer got up from his chair. "I'll have a talk with Alby," he said and then left the library. He managed to keep his stride steady until he was out of sight of Abigail and then he staggered to a halt. My God, is she serious? Does everyone else think that we…? He could scarcely believe this. He'd been so careful to make sure that his relationship with Anny was strictly professional. Or he thought he had. Because he was attracted to her. Quite a lot. But he had realized, just as Abigail was realizing with Alby, that this was not the time or the place to fall in love. Had he botched it? Was everyone whispering and snickering behind their backs? It didn't seem possible.

He stiffened when he saw Anny coming down the grand staircase. She had an odd expression on her face and seemed to be lost in thought, her eyes on the floor in front of her. For some reason he felt incredibly tongue-tied. Even a simple Hi Anny felt too… too… something.

But she just nodded at him as she passed. She had on a heavy coat and she went out the door without a word.