Tales from the Academy
Epilogue
"We are here to make these offerings in memory of Zaccary Karal, son, brother, friend, soldier, proud citizen of Silvy Vale. May his memory ever be bright and strong within our hearts."
Lem Csurik, the speaker of Silvy Vale stepped back and nodded to Zac's father who knelt and lit the wood piled in a battered bronze bowl set next to the family marker. The wood flared up and the man stood there next to it with head bowed and then put something in which burned brightly for an instant and then was gone. More family members approached, mother, brother, sister, grandfather, aunt, uncle. Then cousins and finally friends and neighbors. Each had something to add to the fire. A lock of hair, a photo, objects too small for Anny to tell what they were. She and Jer joined the line and edged forward.
She reached the head of the line and stared down into the flames. I'm sorry, Zac. Forgive me. She reached up to her tunic and unpinned the ribbon for her MCG and placed it in the flames. It caught fire and burned.
"Anny!" whispered Jer.
"It should have been his." She came to attention and saluted. Jer did the same at her side. She held it until the ribbon was consumed completely then she turned and moved away. Lem Csurik and his wife, Harra intercepted them before they could go far.
"Thank you for coming, Lieutenant. You, too, Lieutenant Naddel. It was very kind of you. I know it means a lot to Zac's family."
"It's the least we could do," said Anny. "Zac was a hero. He saved my life. I want everyone to know."
"Well, here in Silvy Vale we know a thing or two about heroes. A whole company of them were here about a year and a half ago. And they got away before we could thank them properly. We're having a little get-together here in Zac's honor and we'd be mighty pleased if you would stay for it."
Anny hesitated. She felt like there was nothing but spit and bailing wire holding her together and she really wanted to get away somewhere quiet with Jer, but there was no way she could refuse. They had flown up from Vorbarr Sultana in a borrowed lightflyer that morning. Anny had one more promise to keep, but she wasn't planning to do that until the next day. She had time.
"We'd be honored," she said.
[Scene Break]
"What the hell is this stuff?" gasped Jer.
"Maple Meade," said Anny. "It's a local specialty."
"For what? Stripping paint?"
"It's an acquired taste."
"I don't think I want to acquire it!"
"If you water it down—about three parts water—it helps. Not the taste, but the hangover."
"Nothing could help the taste. I think I'll pass. Someone's got to drive."
"Suit yourself." In truth Anny didn't much like the stuff either, but its sedative effects were just what she needed right now. The steady stream of admirers and well-wishers had just about driven her to distraction. Several times when some old lady had gone on and on nattering about Zac as a little boy or how grateful they were for C Company's help during the fire she'd nearly screamed at them to leave her alone, but she'd managed to restrain herself—so far.
"How much longer are you planning to stay?" asked Jer. He could tell she was on edge.
"Let's find the Csuriks and make our good-byes. I can't take any more of this." They got up from the table where they'd been sitting and eating and drinking for hours and made their way through the crowd until they found the speaker and his wife.
"Leaving already?" asked Lem.
"We've had a long day and we've got an early day tomorrow," explained Jer. "But we want to thank all of you for your wonderful hospitality."
"Oh, it's our pleasure," said Harra. "We hope you'll come again often."
"I… I uh have something for you," said Anny awkwardly and a little drunkenly. She fumbled out a credit chit and handed it to Lem. "We'd like to set up a memorial fund in Zac's name. A scholarship or something. I don't know, something for the town. Use your own judgment."
"Lieutenant Payne," said Lem in surprise. "I don't know what to say."
"Say 'thank you', Dear," said Harra, taking the chit.
"Thank you."
Anny nodded to them both and then wobbled toward their lightflyer.
"How much did you give them?" asked Jer once they were airborne. She told him and he whistled.
"And that's only about a quarter of what Lord Mark gave me. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of it."
"You could just keep it."
"Not sure if that's even legal. No rush. I'll think of something."
She was almost dozing by the time they reached the hotel in Hassadar where they were staying. But she found the energy to make love to Jer, abandoning herself completely to his kisses and his embrace. It had been a hard day and tomorrow wasn't going to be any better.
They got up before dawn and flew back into the mountains. Not quite so far up this time. Jer set the lightflyer down in a secluded glen about a kilometer from Red Rocks. Stumbling over tree roots and ruts in the pre-dawn gloom they reached the local cemetery just as the sun was peeping over the eastern hills. The place was completely deserted—as Anny had hoped.
They found the weed-surrounded stone simply marked 'Payne' and set up the borrowed bowl and tripod and filled it with the scented wood. Anny tried to light it, but her hands were shaking so badly Jer had to do it for her. She couldn't seem to get enough air into her lungs.
"Da? Peter?" she croaked once the fire was burning. "I've… I've come back." She fumbled the ribbons for her two wound medals out of a pocket and one by one put them into the fire.
"I hope… I hope you're proud of me… I tried to do my best… Da?"
Suddenly she was crying uncontrollably. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she buried her face in Jer's chest and sobbed. For years, for four long years she'd held it all in The fear of the unknown, the frustration of the rejections, the anger at the torments, and the horrors of combat, all the stress and strain and burden of the last four years that she'd held in and never dared let take control of her, now she let it all loose.
Jer held her and stroked her hair and gently kissed the top of her head. They stayed that way a long time.
Finally she wiped her eyes and blew her nose and was herself again. She was physically exhausted, but there was a clean wind blowing through her soul. All the blackness that had lain congealed there had spilled out and been consumed in the flames. They emptied out the ashes onto the grave and packed up the bowl and tripod and headed back to the lightflyer. In her heart Anny knew that she would never be back here again. Several children saw them as they walked, shouted and ran off. But they were in the air and gone before anyone else arrived.
"You all right?" asked Jer.
"Yes. Thank you for being there."
"I always want to be there. And it looks like I'll have the chance. You think Alby was behind it?"
"I don't know. We'll have to ask him." Anny and Jer had both been assigned to the same regiment, the 61st Infantry, the 'Vorlinton Guards'. It was an assault regiment and a good one, with a heritage as long and as proud as any. They'd been hoping for the 42nd, but the important thing was they were together.
"Do you think Alby and Patric are assigned there, too?"
"We'll have to ask him," she said again. "How long until we get to his place?" Alby had invited them to his home and they were on their way there now.
"About four hours. Take a nap if you want. I've got it on auto-pilot anyway."
"Hmmm, I just might." She closed her eyes.
But only a moment later her wristcom pinged. She looked at it and said: "Crap!"
"What?"
"Orders. Report to the Ops Building in Vorbarr Sultana—at 0900!"
"What for?"
"It doesn't say."
"Both of us?"
"No, just me."
"We can just make it if I crank it up to max. Hang on." He took the controls and Anny was pressed back into her seat as the vehicle accelerated. "What do you suppose this is all about? We're on leave!"
"I haven't got a clue." And she didn't.
Anny drummed her fingers nervously on the arm rest, a dozen evil scenarios tumbling through her head, and watched the numbers on the dashboard clock tick away. Should I worry about being late for my own hanging? They reached the Vorbarr Sultana traffic control zone and had to reduce speed and let the central computer take over control of the lightflyer. It was going to be close.
But the lightflyer settled onto a landing pad outside the enormous Ops Building at 0857 and she trotted up to the main reception desk at 0858 and presented herself. Jer came along out of curiosity.
"Ah, Lieutenant Payne," said the man at the desk, consulting his comconsole. "Report to the roof landing deck. There's an aircar waiting."
"Where is it taking me?" she demanded. Why bring her here if they were only going to take her somewhere else?
"Doesn't say, uh… sir."
"Are there any orders for me, Lieutenant Naddel?" asked Jer.
"Don't think so, no sir."
"I guess I'll wait here…" Jer looked confused.
"Go back to Vorkosigan House," she said. "I can get back there as easily as here. I'll see you later."
"Okay. Good luck, Anny."
"Thanks." She touched his arm and then walked over to the bank of lifts and took one to the roof. There was indeed an aircar waiting, but she gasped in astonishment when she saw the imperial coat of arms blazoned on the side and the two armsmen in Vorbarra colors waiting for her. "Where… where are you taking me?"
"To the palace, Lieutenant. Please get in."
"But why?"
"I'm sure I don't know, miss. Please, we're running late."
In a daze she slid into the vehicle and an instant later they were airborne. The palace wasn't far away and less than two minutes later they were landing near one of the side entrances. A quick security scan and she was ushered inside. A liveried servant became her guide and led her through the long polished corridors and then through another security point and up a lift to the third floor. With a shock Anny realized that this wasn't some formal reception area, but private living quarters. What in the world…?
The servant rapped lightly on a door and then opened it and gestured Anny through. On the other side was a large sitting room with tall windows and plush carpets and…
"Anny!" a girlish shriek pierced her ears and there was not-quite-six-years-old Helen Vorkosigan running toward her. The girl leaped into her arms and Anny instinctively hoisted her up and then sat her on her hip.
"Helen! What are you doing here?" What am I doing here?
"Visiting. We do that a lot. There's Mama," she said pointing and indeed Lady Ekaterin was standing across the room. Another woman was with her… "And that's the Empress. Don't worry, she's nice. Aral you already know," indicating her twin brother who was sitting on the floor playing with another boy who Anny instantly recognized although she'd never met him. "That's the Crown Prince, he'll be emperor when he grows up. His little sister is sleeping in the crib over there. She won't be empress when she grows up and I don't think that's fair at all, do you?"
"Uh, well, that's just the way things work, Helen…"
"And do you know that I won't be a countess when I grow up? Aral will be count, but I won't be countess! Unless I marry a count, but I don't want to do that, they're all too old! Well, maybe I'll be a soldier instead—just like you!"
"Helen, I don't know…" she glanced at Lady Ekaterin.
"Why not? You're a girl! Just like me! I shall be a soldier and win lots of medals, just like you!" She paused and pointed at her tunic. "Where are your other medals? You wore them the other day."
"Uh, I gave some of them away."
"To friends?"
"Uh, yes."
"I thought we were friends," said the girl, looking slyly at her remaining ribbon.
"Helen!" said Lady Ekaterin reproachfully.
"It's all right," chuckled Anny. She detached the ribbon and gave it to the girl who clutched it possessively. "You should ask your father to see his medals, he has a lot more than me."
"Oh yes, I know. He wears them sometimes. But he doesn't let us play with them."
"Have you asked him?"
"Well, no. Perhaps I shall. Aral! Look what I have!" she wriggled loose and slid to the floor and ran over to show her brother her new treasure.
Lady Ekaterin and the Empress had been looking on in amusement but now they came forward. Anny came to attention and bowed to the Empress. "Your Highness," she said.
"Lieutenant Payne, welcome to our home," said the woman. "I've seen you on the parade ground at the Academy several times, but it's nice to actually meet you at last." To Anny surprise she held out her hand and Anny shook it. "Please, let's sit down. Can I offer you tea? Or do soldiers only drink coffee?"
"Uh some coffee would be good right now, Your Highness." Anny let herself be led over to a chair which she tried to 'sit at attention' on in good cadet-fashion, but the thing sucked her down into it and forced her to be comfortable—which made her very uncomfortable. What in the world is going on?
The Empress called for coffee and within moments Anny had a cup in her hand. "Anny, I want to apologize," said Lady Ekaterin once they were settled. "I didn't realize you had left town with Jer until this morning. I hope it wasn't too much trouble getting here on such short notice."
"We just made it, my lady."
"Oh dear, I hope you didn't leave Jer waiting back at the Ops building!"
"I told him to go back to Vorkosigan House."
"Good!"
"So you were up in the Dendarri Mountains, Lieutenant?" asked the Empress.
"Yes, Your Highness."
"You're from there originally, are you not? Were you visiting family?"
"Friends and family, yes, ma'am."
"Miles is so very attached to those mountains and I can understand why," said Lady Ekaterin.
"Do you have similar feelings, Lieutenant?" asked the Empress.
"When… before I went to the Academy I couldn't wait to get away from them, ma'am, but now… well, yes, I guess they'll always have a special place I my heart."
"Yes. Yes, I think I know how you feel." The woman looked a bit wistful. Anny couldn't imagine anyone missing the Komarran domes, but each to their own. "Somehow, no matter how far we travel, those places will always be home."
"Yes, ma'am." The response had been automatic, but was it true? The Dendarii Mountains, special, but they weren't home anymore. Where is home?
"Ekaterin's been telling me a bit about you, Lieutenant and…"
"Mama! Mama! Come play with us! We're bored!" The Crown Prince was suddenly at his mother's side and pulling on her hand. The Empress smiled and in a few moments all three of the adults were on the floor playing with the children—except for Princess Kareen who slept on, oblivious to it all.
The children had an amazing variety of toys, many of them very sophisticated, but Anny noticed that they nearly all had some sort of learning function subtly built-in. She found them rather interesting and she actually enjoyed playing with the children. The Crown Prince seemed a little shy with her at first as if he couldn't quite decide what this uniformed woman really was, but before long he had included her in their games. Anny was amazed to see that an hour had gone by when she checked her wristcom.
Shortly after 1000 one of the doors opened and Anny sprang to attention when she saw the Emperor leading several other men into the room. One was Lord Auditor Vorkosigan and the other wore a general's uniform. The third was a servant. "Don't worry, it's just Da," said the Crown Prince. "Come on, it's your move."
The servant came forward and declared: "Young ladies, young gentlemen, the Emperor has decreed that it is snack time! You will please come with me."
The children protested, but only half-heartedly and were soon herded through the door which shut behind them.
Anny bowed to the Emperor. "Your Majesty."
"Lieutenant Payne. Good to see you again. I hope the children haven't worn you out too much."
"A bit more active than assault training, but I've managed, Sire." She couldn't believe she'd just made a stupid joke in front of the Emperor!
But the Emperor smiled. "Lieutenant, this is General Allegre, ImpSec." Anny stiffened. He nodded at her and she nodded back. You didn't salute other men in the Emperor's presence. "Miles you know, of course."
The Emperor ushered them to the chairs and then sat back and looked at Anny. "I imagine we have you totally confused by now, Lieutenant."
"Yes Sire."
"You're really here at General Allegre's suggestion, so I'll allow him to explain." He gestured to the general.
"Yes, Lieutenant. As I'm sure you know, one of ImpSec's most important responsibilities is the security of the Imperial Family. We have hundreds of highly trained and highly motivated people whose sole concern is the safety of the Emperor and his family. They are the elite of the elite. The vast majority of them are men, of course, but there are many instances where as a matter of decorum and practicality we use women instead. There are many of our women around us right now."
Anny recalled seeing one particularly serious-looking maid eyeing her on the way in and nodded her head. "I was trained by Drou Kouldelka, sir, and I know the job she used to have protecting the Emperor."
"Yes, exactly. But the problem has always been that the law didn't allow these women to be soldiers. ImpSec got around that by calling them 'auxiliaries' or 'special operatives' or some other double-talk. They did the job, but the fact remained that they weren't soldiers and they couldn't hold rank. And this wasn't just an issue of formality, it was a real weak spot in our defenses. In an emergency there must be a clear chain of command. And there will be times when the women closest to the Imperial Family will need to issue orders to other military personnel and be obeyed. Absolutely and without hesitation. So far this has never led to a serious problem, but it remains a chink in our armor that we've never been able to seal." He paused and looked sharply at her. "Until now."
Anny gasped. ImpSec wants me?
"Close your mouth, Lieutenant," said the Lord Auditor, grinning. She clapped her mouth shut.
"We are considering you for ImpSec, Lieutenant," continued Allegre. "The existence of you and the other women coming through the Academy presents us with the opportunity to eliminate this weak spot. And your recent performance in combat has shown what women are capable of. Trained women officers with rank and in the chain of command. Once you were part of the program we could start sending our existing women operatives—the ones we feel are qualified—through an OCS program and in a few years we could have the entire lot in uniform—so to speak."
"I don't… I don't have any security training, sir…" stammered Anny.
"Oh, I don't mean you'd start work here tomorrow, Lieutenant!' snorted Allegre. "No, you'd be looking at at least eighteen months of special training in security operations, but if you are as good as I've been told you are I could see you with captain's tabs and in charge of a whole section in four or five years."
"General Allegre approached me with this idea and I heartily approve of it in principle, Lieutenant, " said the Emperor. "However, I placed a few conditions on it and that's why you are here today."
"Sire?"
"In the normal scheme of things you don't choose ImpSec, ImpSec chooses you. There's no career track at the Academy for ImpSec, no formal means of requesting a transfer to ImpSec. ImpSec decides who it wants—and then takes them. Period. But not this time. Not when the security of the people I love is at stake." He paused and reached out to squeeze the Empress' hand. "The people guarding my family must be here because they want to be here, not because they've been ordered to be here. They must be volunteers in the truest sense of the word. I don't want anyone who has even the slightest doubt that this is the career they want. Do you understand what I'm saying, Lieutenant?"
"I think I do, Sire."
The Empress discretely cleared her throat and the Emperor glanced at her. "Ah… yes, we are aware of your… relationship with Lieutenant Naddel." You are? Oh my god… "There's nothing in the regulations forbidding it and we don't wish to interfere. But we realize that this could influence your decision. If Lieutenant Naddel is qualified we could find him a post in ImpSec, or if he's not, some other posting in Vorbarr Sultana to keep him close by." So I get a choice, but Jer doesn't?
"So what do you think?" asked Allegre. "Are you interested, Lieutenant?"
Anny froze, a dozen thoughts swirling through her head. This was an honor. An incredible honor. To be asked to guard the Emperor and his family! It would mean authority, responsibility, duty—promotion. It would be a tribute to Drou '…if I'd been allowed to actually wear the uniform and hold the rank that went with my job… I would have grabbed it with both hands and run like hell and never looked back' And the Emperor wanted her—her!—to guard his wife and children! How could she possibly refuse? But he also wanted the people who did the job to want the job. Did she really want this job? Her thoughts went back to the parade ground at the Academy. The ranks of marching men, the colors flying so proudly in the breeze. ImpSec didn't carry colors. They probably had some sort of camaraderie, but she couldn't imagine it being quite the same. They never paraded. They operated in the shadows, out of sight. They didn't have regimental officers' messes and she doubted they had a brass band. They'd only go off planet when the Emperor's family did. All the things she'd thought she wanted when she joined she would be giving up… And what about Jer? He loved her, he'd sacrifice his own wants for her, she knew that. If she decided to do this, he'd take some desk job in Vorbarr Sultana to stay close to her. He deserved better than that…
"Lieutenant?"
She blinked and saw that everyone in the room was looking at her.
"Sir. Sire. I… I can't begin to tell you how honored I am by this offer. But… but I think I really belong with my regiment. I'm sorry, sir, but no, I'm not interested."
Lady Ekaterin and the Empress looked disappointed, the Emperor and General Allegre looked surprised. But there was a strange smile on the face of the Lord Auditor.
"Are you sure?" asked Allegre.
"General," said the Emperor. "The mere fact you have to ask shows that she'd not what we want. But there are other women coming through the Academy. We'll just have to see what happens." He got up from his chair and everyone except the other women sprang to their feet. He came over to Anny and offered her his hand. "Thank you for being honest, Lieutenant. The best of luck with your career."
"Thank you, Sire. And I hope I didn't disappoint you."
He smiled. "Not a bit, soldier. Not one bit." He turned and left, the Empress went with him and General Allegre followed giving her a strange look as he passed out the door. The Lord Auditor stayed and walked over to her, his hands stuck in his pockets. He was grinning. "Well done, Anny. Well done."
"You… you didn't want me to take it?"
"I wanted you to do what you wanted to do. Not what you thought some important guy like the Emperor wanted you to do. Besides, I bet Gregor a mark that you'd say no."
"Miles!" exclaimed Lady Ekaterin.
"Well I did." He took one hand out of his pocket and gave Anny that curious half-salute that he often used.
"I was hoping you'd say yes, Anny. Helen is so fond of you, and well, so am I and we'd get to see you so much more often if you were here."
"Now don't go making her feel guilty, Love. She did the right thing for her. She's a soldier and I've learned how hard it is to try and force a soldier to be something else." Lady Ekaterin looked sharply at her husband but he just raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Come on, Anny, we'll collect the children and give you a lift back to Vorkosigan House."
"Thank you my lord."
A short while later they were back at the big old mansion. Jer was waiting and she dragged him into the lightflyer and they were off.
"So what happened?" demanded Jer.
"Oh, nothing, nothing at all…"
"Don't give me that! I went back outside the Ops Building and saw the aircar you flew off in and I saw the crest on the side!"
"Just tea with the Empress, nothing special." Anny was grinning and there was an exhilaration growing inside her that she couldn't explain.
"Anny!"
"Relax. Nothing has changed. We still report to our new regiment in six days and I still love you. Nothing else matters, does it?"
"Well no, but…"
Anny laughed. "I'll tell you all about it on the trip. Now point this crate towards Alby's house and let's get going! That's an order, Lieutenant."
"Yes sir. But it's still not fair that you outrank me."
Anny laughed again and hugged Jer's arm and leaned her head against his shoulder. The lightflyer was gaining speed, rushing toward the future. A few days at Alby's place and then it would be off join up with the 61st. A new regiment, a new base, new challenges. But she wasn't worried. Together with Jer she could face anything. The excitement continued to grow inside her and she suddenly realized why:
I'm going home.
A place she'd never been, people she'd never met, but it would be home.
She laughed once more.
"Welcome to Barrayar!"
The End
Author's Note: Well! It's done! At long last! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I want to give thanks to Lois Bujold, whose wonderful work inspired me to write this and to all the great folks who took the time to write reviews and encouraged me to keep going. I am a little sad to reach the end. I've grown quite fond of Anny and the other characters. But I don't imagine we've seen the last of them! Inspiration comes when it will and if it strikes we may see the further adventures of Anny Payne and her friends.