Welcome to the last chapter. I've had fun writing this, well, not fun as such, but it's been something different. An issue I've never tackled before. And I apologise in advance for how long it is.
I've had such an amazing response to this story so far and it's been great :) I totally love waking up in the morning to an abundance of emails from fan fiction, it brightens my otherwise pretty depressing mornings (I am totally not a morning person, without several cups of tea I'm Voldermort on his period).
Time seemed to slow down in the entrapment of the four walls that surrounded them. Each time someone looked up at the clock and saw only thirty seconds had passed since they last checked, they became more and more sure that it was being pushed back every few moments, giving no impression that any time had actually passed at all. The only sign that it was indeed passing were the noises. The ringing of a phone, the crash as the double doors at the end of the hall burst open and someone else hanging in the limbo between life and death was wheeled in, shouts of medical jargon as doctors and nurses exchanged idea and patient information.
Outside on the streets, it seemed that life was going on as normal. Traffic roared past, hoards of people in a hurry to get home from work. School kids slouched down the road, bags heavy with dreaded homework flung carelessly over their shoulders, their minds occupied with thoughts of the upcoming weekend as if nothing out of the ordinary had passed, as if there weren't six people, huddled as close together as they could be on the hard plastic seats, awaiting news of just one.
Finn clung hard to Quinn's hand as he stared mindlessly at the smooth grey floor. He held onto her because she was the closest person to him and he had to cling to someone otherwise he may fall into the waiting oblivion that had threatened him ever since he saw Rachel lying so lifeless on the bathroom floor.
He clung to Quinn because she was familiar, and she had noticed long before anyone else. She had seen what they had all refused to, and somehow, by holding onto her, the person with the closest connection to what had happened other than Rachel herself, was a comfort to Finn. He knew he was probably hurting her, but she didn't complain; in fact, she seemed to bury her fingers just as hard into the back of his hand so they created grooves that he would feel there for a long time to come.
He had never hated himself more than he did in that plastic hospital chair. The others had all failed to see what was in front of their face, Quinn had confronted it, but he hadn't done either of those things. He had seen just what was there, the weight loss that went beyond a diet, how withdrawn she was, how quiet and pale. He had noticed it all, but he had pushed it out of his mind as if it weren't there because then he wouldn't have to deal with it.
Suddenly, Finn was not only staring at the floor, but at a pair of black shining shoes that had stopped directly in front of him and his head snapped up to face the doctor's. The doctor was looking at each one of them, nothing in his blank features and Finn wanted to shake him for information. Why was he just standing there looking at them? It couldn't be because...? No. Of course not.
"Are any of you Rachel Berry's family?" He asked, in a deep, throaty voice and Finn's urge to hit him grew. What the fuck did it matter if they were Rachel's family or not? They were the closest thing she had right now as it seemed her dads had vanished off the face of the earth and were neither at the house or answering their phones. According to the answering machine, they were on a three week business trip and would be non contactable for the coming two weeks.
Just as Finn was about to snap at the guy, Mr Schue stood up. "Yes we are," he said, firmly. "I'm her uncle and these two," he pointed to Finn and Kurt "are mine. The others are with us." No one contradicted the unexpected lie and the doctor was forced to believe him. Or at least if he didn't, he overlooked it and carried on regardless.
"Rachel is very malnourished. We have reason to believe she has been deliberately starving herself, and a full psychological examination will be carried out when she regains consciousness. She has not yet woken up, and we are keeping her on a drip to keep her hydrated. You may see her, but only in twos and I strongly advise you to contact her parents as quickly as possible. We have something important to discuss with them."
Her dads? Why couldn't they discuss it with them, the people that were there? Thought Finn, angrily. They had just gone and left her, not even leaving a number to phone in case she really needed them. Of course, they probably hadn't predicted this, but when his mom left him, she didn't stop fussing, even though he was seventeen. She'd leave him money, food, emergency money, emergency emergency money in case the emergency money ran out, numbers of neighbours, her own mobile number on a post it note in every room. Rachel always talked about how her dads always loved her so much, so where were they now? Where were they when she really, really needed them?
…
Rachel's hand was clasped lightly in Finn's, the size difference so vast that hers almost disappeared. It felt so small, so light that he was scared to hold it any tighter in case he broke her. Her entire frame just looked so damn tiny. The bed seemed to swallow her whole, the blankets evoking her in a suffocating layer. She had always been small, but now she was something else entirely. She was barely there, just a shell of what she once was. There was none of the spark, passion, the life that had been so prominent in the past.
Finn heard someone sit down in the chair beside him, but didn't draw his eyes away from Rachel to see who it was. He was afraid if he stopped looking at her, she would fade altogether. "We've still had no joy in getting hold of her dads," said a soft voice from beside him that Finn instantly recognised as his step brother's and he felt a rush of relief at his presence. He didn't think he could stand any longer in the silence.
"Keep trying. They need to sign-" Finn broke away, closing his eyes briefly before fixing them back on his girlfriend. He couldn't quite bring himself to acknowledge what they were consenting to, what they were going to do to her. I'm so sorry, he told her, silently with a gentle squeeze of her hand. A squeeze that she didn't return. He wished so much that she would just hold his hand right back, or open her eyes and yell at him for not noticing something was so wrong with her. He didn't even care if she used all her long words that he didn't get, so long as she spoke.
Kurt sighed, watching his brother and best friend, the same wishes in his mind as Finn. "They're on a business trip Finn, according to my delightful conversation with their answering machine, they are un-contactable for the next two weeks. Maybe we should-"
"No!" Finn cut him off before he could finish. That was not an option. Rachel was going to hate them enough for this as if was. She'd never forgive them if they did that.
"I was merely pretending to suggest the idea to you in order to remain polite, but since you still refuse to see it is the only option we have left, I am forced to defy your protests. I have Mr Schue on it now, he knows her better than we do."
Anger crashed through Finn and for the first time since he had entered the room, his eyes snapped away from Rachel to glare furiously at his step brother. "No!" He shouted, so loudly that Kurt looked startled and gestured for him to keep his voice down, nodding towards a still 'sleeping' Rachel. Finn shook with rage, giving no indication that he had noticed the gesture, but when he next spoke, his voice was quieter, but still laced with a burning anger.
"You can't do this! You now how much this is going to suck for her anyway, do you really think bringing her into this is going to help? She abandoned her Kurt, just ditched her again when she wasn't getting her magical violin moment."
"I know that Finn!" Shot back Kurt, his eyes narrowing. "But we need a parent or guardian to sign that form and since none of us are any of those things I really don't see what other choice we have!"
"Anything! We don't have to do it at all- she wouldn't- I can't- we don't-" Finn's voice finally broke off altogether as it cracked under the emotion as he struggled to hold back his tears. Breaking down now would do nothing to help Rachel, and he had to help her. He just knew Kurt was wrong in this decision. What was going to happen if they let that woman back into Rachel's life? Was she just going to waltz back in for a few seconds and then leave her again? Finn didn't know if Rachel could deal with that rejection again, but neither did he think she could deal with it if her mother stayed a part of her life. Not when her recovery had to be the sole focus of her life.
Kurt's hand rested gently on his arm, a comforting gesture. "Look at her," he said, quietly, his own voice trembling. "She needs help that we can't give to her. Her dads won't be around for another two weeks, we're going to have to face the reality that then it may be too late."
Finn shook his head, refusing to look at his girlfriend and see what Kurt was. He already knew that, he knew Rachel needed the help he couldn't give, if he had been able to help her, she would never have been in that condition to start with; but that didn't mean he wanted that help coming from strangers and the mother who had abandoned her over and over.
"Please, Kurt, there has to be something else, someone else."
Kurt just shook his head, hopelessly. "You know there isn't Finn, it might be good for Rachel to have her mom around again."
"She's not her mom," snapped Finn and Kurt didn't argue. He knew his brother was right. He too had his doubts about involving Shelby, fully aware that it could do more harm than good, but they could not afford to let her continue to spiral downhill for another two weeks before her dads got back and could sign the forms to admit her themselves and Shelby was the only other person who had the right; in the eyes of the law at any rate. In his eyes, she had no right at all.
But Kurt was right, they didn't have a choice.
…
When she first opened her eyes, Rachel was sure she really had died. All she could see was white, almost blinding against her eyes so used to the dark. She fought back a groan as she forced them open all the way to view her surroundings. She blinked. The place didn't look like the afterlife. Did they have bedside jugs of water in heaven, or wherever it was you went when you died? And what was that annoying beeping sound?
Groggily, Rachel began to experiment with moving. She started with her toes, relieved when they responded as she wiggled them. She straightened out her legs slightly, only realising then how uncomfortable she had been before and finally turned her head, gazing around the room she had woken up in.
She hadn't been wrong about her previous assumption, everything was white. The walls, the dull painted ceiling, the table by her bedside, even the chairs surrounding her. She blinked, wondering if she had lost her ability to see colour. Surely nothing was this devoured of colour. Just as she was about to conclude she really had gone partially blind, Rachel cast her eyes down to the soft blanket that was covering her. Blue.
"Rachel?" A wave of de-jar-vu washed over her and she twisted her neck painfully to look to the sound of the voice, knowing before she locked eyes with her mother that it was her. Rather than feeling relieved as a person should when they wake in an unknown place with their mother by their side, Rachel's apprehension only increased. All her meetings with her so far had only resulted in rejection and anger. The pain that had lead her to this very place.
"what are you doing here?" She asked without a trace of anger or resentment, but also without the bright warmth her tone almost always held, whoever she was speaking to. More importantly, what was she doing there? The room that Rachel finally recognised as a hospital room felt just as alien as if she really had woken in the afterlife. Her thoughts were just one huge blur, she couldn't remember how she had ended up there or what she had been doing before she got there.
Shelby didn't answer her, not immediately. Her eyes stayed on her daughter, her expression unreadable, a contrast to Rachel's clear confusion and wonder. "Will-Mr Schuster called me," she admitted at last, doing nothing to clear things up but Rachel merely nodded, not asking her to expand on the explanation.
A few moments of silence passed and Rachel turned back to her mother, feeling a flutter of panic at the familiar look in her eyes. It was the very same look she had when she was hiding something. It was the dark gleam that she had seen reflected back at her in the glass every time she had looked in the mirror over the past months and it was enough to send her heart fluttering in her chest.
"Ra-" Shelby begun, but before she could finish her daughter's name she was interrupted by a squeak and Finn stumbled in awkwardly, attempting to balance a plastic cup of scolding coffee in one hand, sugar in the other and open the heavy wooden doors with his shoulders. As the door swung shut behind him, he looked up from his task, seeing Shelby first and his features immediately twisted into an angry scowl.
"What are you-" he started what promised to be a good rant before catching sight of Rachel, her eyes open and fixed on her mother just as intently as Finn's had been, but she wasn't glaring like him, she just looked curious, worried, sad even. His face softened just as quickly as it had set in fury and a relieved grin slid over his lips. He rushed over to her bedside, setting his coffee and sugar down beside her jug of water.
"Hey," he said lamely, and closed his eyes briefly in embarrassment. Hey? Is that really all he could think of to say? His girlfriend had been unconscious in a hospital room for the past six hours and all he could say was a greeting, as if he had done nothing more than pass her in the hall on an average day on his way to math. But Rachel didn't seem to mind. She smiled, the corners of her mouth turning up the smallest fraction, as if it took too much energy to do it properly.
An awkward silence descended upon the room, both Rachel and Finn suddenly very aware of the presence of her mother, the only thing stopping him from swooping down and kissing her on the spot. He had so many things to say to her, things he could not say all the time Shelby was stood there like the only single at a couples' party.
"Shelby, can you leave us alone for a moment?" Rachel requested, her tone devoured of all emotion. She spoke coolly, as if she were addressing a staff nurse rather than the woman who had given birth to her. For several drawn out seconds, Shelby did not move. Her gaze was fixed on her daughter, boring into her as if preparing herself to argue, but then she just nodded and tore her eyes away walking briskly from the room with her head high, like she was leaving behind no more than a stranger she just happened to stumble upon.
"Finn, what am I doing here?" Asked Rachel, as soon as she was gone. The question was so unexpected that for a while, he could not think of an answer. Surely she knew that? She must know what she was doing to herself, realised the effect it must be having on her body, even if her need to be 'pretty' overruled what her head was telling her.
"You passed out," he told her, a slight edge to his voice. "In the girls' bathroom, you're heart actually stopped Rachel, not for long, but it did. It couldn't take it, the exercise, the lack of food, what you're doing to yourself it's-"
"Stop!" She snapped, shifting away from him as if he had said something offensive. "I don't know what you're talking about, it's a diet, that's all."
"No-" Finn began, but stopped almost instantly. Getting into a fight with her was not what he wanted to do, and she wasn't going to listen to him all the time he was shouting at her, trying to force her to see the truth, but the thought of what he had just told her was just so damn terrifying. He hadn't been trying to scare her, for a few seconds, she really had been dead.
"I'm sorry Rach, I just-" he sighed and reached for her, hesitantly, half expecting her to pull away, but to his surprise, she leaned into him, curling her tiny body beside his, impossibly large in comparison. Finn relaxed immediately. Her touch could always make him feel that way, like there was nothing else that mattered in the whole world other than that she was right there with him in that very moment, and that was what he needed more than anything. To just hold her and forget everything that was going on around them. Just to be with her.
"Just please, never do that to me again."
Rachel didn't answer, but pressed herself even closer to him and he wrapped his arms around her, his fingers running through her hair, their closeness filling the silence between them, Finn communicating a silent promise to be right there with her in whatever way she wanted him, for as long as he was needed.
…
The insides of Finn's palms were sweating and he felt a rush of nerves that made the flutter he got before a football game or finals seem like nothing more than the smallest of butterflies just passing through his stomach. That feeling went way beyond butterflies, it was not just a brick, but a whole wall that was ready to come out as he waited outside Rachel's room after the doctor had walked away, knowing what he had been holding off was now inevitable.
It was all finalised, Rachel was going to be staying at the hospital, in a different ward to the one she was in now and they were going to try slowly to get her to eat. If in a week, she failed to co-operate, they were going to stick a tube down her throat and force her, actually force her to eat foods she didn't want. It sounded horrific, even to Finn and he wasn't the one who was going to have the thing he feared most forced upon him.
With a determined sigh, Finn pushed open the doors to Rachel's room, gathering himself for what he was about to do. He didn't agree with the ethics of it, but he knew deep down it was the best thing to do for her now. She was way beyond the point where just telling her she was perfect as she was and taking her out for her favourite meal would help. She needed help. Proper help, and that was the only way to give it to her.
Rachel was sitting up in her bed, propped up by pillows and looking weak and so very thin, but she was alive. For a while, he had been scared she wouldn't even be that and now he was about to take away the last control she had over her life, force it to take a direction that was the last thing she wanted. She smiled at him, even her lips looking paper thin against her pale, sunken face. Finn tried to smile back, but it felt strained against his features, so used to being set in a frown. He couldn't smile at her knowing he was about to tear her world apart.
"Rachel-" Finn begun, but it came out as no more than a whisper. He tried again, clearing his throat and moving closer to her so he could take her hand, holding onto it as tightly as if it were his lifeline. "Rach, I need to tell you something." Rachel raised her eyebrows, not used to him being so serious, but said nothing, for once recognising when not to talk.
Finn drew a deep breath, the words settling in his throat in protest. They didn't want to come out, he didn't want to say them, be the one to tell her everything was about to be snatched away from her. "You've got to stay here," he said, his voice quivering. Rachel frowned, confusion flitting across her features.
"I know that. The nurse told me they were going to have to keep here for a couple of days to observe my condition, make sure my heart keeps beating," she smiled, as if it were a joke, but in no twisted sense of the phrase could Finn see the funny side in what was happening, what still had to happen.
"No, Rach, I mean you have to stay here. After that. They-well, we-she signed-" Finn sighed. "You're going to stay here and get better. In the other ward."
For a long moment, Rachel said nothing, but her eyes did not leave Finn's. She stared at him, as if he had just given her a week to live, her face calm, composed from shock, but behind that he could see the horror beginning to form. He saw her features melt into her emotions, so many different things at once: fear, anger, misery and the worst one of all, betrayal.
Then she screamed. A long, drawn out angry screech of sorrow, the sound of someone who didn't know what else to do, someone whose emotions had become too much for them to handle and there was no other way to get them out, to express all the pain inside. Finn was used to her dramatics, he was used to her crying and throwing things at him, getting angry and upset over nothing. He was used to her fury when she didn't get a solo, her pain when he hurt her, but he was not used to this.
Rachel's hand had left his, snatched from his grasp without him having any memory of it having happened. "Rach, it's okay, it's gonna be okay, they'll make you better." He tried to comfort her, but it sounded more like he was pleading. He reached for her again, attempting to stroke her hair, soothingly, but she recoiled from him as if he had hit her, lashing out at him and knocking his hands away.
"Don't touch me!" She cried, almost falling off the side of the bed in her desperation to get away from him. Finn's fingers curled into a fist and he drew his hand away, stepping backwards. His mind froze as he struggled to think of something, anything to do. He had to comfort her, explain, say something, but she was sobbing now, crying so hard into her pillow that it felt like someone had performed the Cruciatus curse on his heart.
"How?" She cried suddenly, lifting her head so he saw the stains of tears that streamed down her cheeks, the tremble of her lip and the pain in her eyes that he had put there. "Y-you can't make me stay here, the law c-clearly states that-that you must have a parent of guardian sign the form of c-commitment in order to keep me here against my will and-"
Finn remained silent, staring down at the floor, shuffling his feet like a naughty school boy being told off by the principle. The triumphant look fell away from Rachel's face as the answer fell into place and the betrayal already etched into her eyes grew. Her gaze swung to the door, glaring hard at the wood as if it had been the one to sign the forms allowing her section and in the next second, they swung open and Shelby stood, staring right back at her daughter as if Rachel had summoned her with her gaze.
"What are you doing here?" She said, quietly, staring so intensely at her mother that Finn almost felt sorry for her. He knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of the anger of Rachel, but even he had never seen her like this. She was not just mad, she was so furious that it ran through her whole body and she trembled with it, glaring at her mother as if she wanted to kill her with the power of her stare.
"What gives you the right to be here? You have never cared about me, you've never wanted me-"
"That's not-" Shelby began, but Rachel cut across her, barely seeming to even have heard.
"You chose a stranger's kid over me, so you do not get to come here and be a parent now. I don't need you, and neither do I want you"
Shelby flinched at her daughter's words, feeling for the first time the rejection Rachel must have felt, rejection that she had never meant to give. Hurting her wasn't what she had wanted, she had cut her daughter from her life to avoid exactly that.
"Rachel, I could see what you were doing to yourself even before I got the call from your teacher. I'm not an idiot, I saw how thin you were that day, you were so exhausted from running but still you didn't stop. I thought you were going to fall down right there and then, and I may not be your mom, but I can't watch you do this." Although the words seemed sincere, Shelby put none of the emotion she was feeling into them, a relationship with Rachel now was certainly off the cards.
Rachel shook her head furiously, refusing to listen. "I don't care, it has nothing to do with you and you have no right to be here, to do this to me!" Her voice had risen to a shout. If she didn't calm down, she was going to attract security. "Just leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. It shouldn't be difficult for you."
Shelby's eyes narrowed, her own anger burning as her daughter's seeped into the air. "You have no idea of why I called it between us and I would not expect you to understand. But what did you want me to do Rachel? Tell Mr Schuster that I wasn't going to sign anything because I didn't care if you lived or died? When I gave you up to your dads I thought I was leaving you in capable hands, but they aren't here now. I had no other choice and I don't care what you say to me, I will not regret doing it."
"Just go," was all Rachel said in response, still glaring at her mother, her words meaningless through the anger and betrayal. She was not willing to see the logic in what she was saying, not prepared to recognise the reasons behind it and how Shelby really hadn't had much of a choice, she was too hurt, too scared.
Shelby left, without so much as a glance back at her daughter and as soon as she was gone, the tears returned but that time, Rachel turned to Finn rather than her pillow, clinging to him as if she had forgotten all her anger from just minutes ago. Her tiny fingers clasped the front of his shirt as she buried her face into his chest, her body heaving with sobs.
Finn wrapped his arms around her, once again scared of how easy it was, how little there was of her. He held her, much more loosely than he would of liked through fear of hurting her and made gentle hushing noises as he rubbed her back, drawing circles with his palm.
"It's okay Rach," he murmured. "You're going to be fine, they'll make you better. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry for doing this to you but you need it, you can't see how much you do because this thing, it's blinding you." Rachel didn't reply, but neither did she argue with him. Finn slid his hand up her back, resting it on the exposed skin on the back of her neck, stroking it gently and feeling her shudder under his touch. He smiled, softly and whispered into her ear.
"I love you Rach, and I'm not going to rest until you can see how beautiful you are."
Well that's it, the end of this fic. But all is not lost, I am thinking about a sequel, depends what people want and what I can be bothered to do. And if I do have a sequel, would you like to see more Shelby/Rachel in it or would you like me to have Rachel tell her where to go? Again.