A/N: Guys, guys...there are very, very good excu- I mean reasons as to why I was dead for the longest time...
1) Two words: MORTAL KOMBAT! hehe...I got the latest one through the mail
2) Finals are so stressful...
3) Being sick while taking said finals is the worst!
Oh, but I'm sure you all had better things to do with your lives. On another note: -breaks down into tears- So many reviews! Are my eyes deceiving me? I nearly had a heart attack simply because I saw the number. Me love you all long time!
Also, perhaps it is just me, but there has been a UK/US "revolution" going on. So I just felt like I had to let you all know that this story is US/UK (even though it doesn't look like it at all lol)...because pining ukes are so cute~ I'm truly sorry that I didn't mention it sooner, but I really wanted to keep it as ambiguous as possible because I was focusing more on the lulz. Again, to those who are upset by this, I apologize for disappointing you.
Additionally, please take note of the genre change. I earnestly don't know how to catagorize to save my life (because is one-sided love and a fake relationship considered romance?) OTL But rest assured (well, considering it's from me...maybe not), I'll do my best to find a "satisfying" end to this rather...questionable situation.
Warnings: Please refer to the chapter title and all that it may imply.
Matthew honestly didn't know how much more he could take of this abuse, and was having second thoughts about their little deal.
"Hey Matt, I need another soda," Alfred waved the can before placing it next to all the other empty containers littered about the table.
"Can't you get it yourself? I'm trying to make breakfast here,"
It was then that Alfred paused his video game and set the controller down to look at his younger brother over his glasses. "Oh, okay then. I guess I have no choice but to drag my injured self up and get it myself. But because I'll break my back in the process, I'll just have to cancel the date with Arthur and…" he left the threat hanging.
"But…but…you fell from the apartment almost a week ago! And right after you fell you were still able to run at least a mile…you can't go back on your word like that…"
Alfred smirked and said "Hey, it's not my apartment on the line,"
"But it'll ruin your image!" Matthew desperately retorted.
"Not that that'll matter, seeing as though I don't have to see his face once I leave,"
"Okay, okay…just give me a minute…" Matthew put down the frying pan and headed towards the refrigerator to fetch Alfred his drink. When he walked over to the couch to set the new can of soda down on the table in front of his older brother, Matthew noticed that Alfred wasn't resuming his game and had a rather serious expression on his face.
"I think, that for both our sakes we end it…"
Matthew grew silent for a moment. "…No, for me it's not that bad but…Have you ever considered trying to fall for him?"
"Yeah…it's not working…we're complete opposites! Besides, it's not fair for Arthur. We should stop this before things get out of hand,"
"I know…but opposites attract don't they?" Matthew chose to ignore the twinge of guilt he felt at the moment.
"Chemically they do, but psychologically they do not because compatibility actually requires-"
"Alright I get your point…no need for you to get all technical on me," the younger raised his hands up in defeat.
Alfred smiled at the frustrated gesture. "Sorry, just wanted to get my point across,"
"I know you don't like it, but can you just keep it up for a few more days until I can find a second job?"
The older brother's expression softened at his sibling's earnest attempt to resolve his rent problem. "Alright, but you better find one quick before I screw up and Arthur ends up hating me on his own!"
"Thanks for the encouragement eh,"
"You're very welcome!" Alfred smiled broadly, completely ignoring the sarcasm in the other's voice and was about to grab the game controller again when something grey drifted across his face. "I smell pancakes!"
"Oh my god I forgot I was making them! They're burning!" Matthew shot up from the couch and ran for the frying pan now spitting fire at him. Turning off the stove and trying to battle the fire-breathing cooking utensil with salt, the photographer whipped his head around to glare at his brother sitting idly by and enjoying the view. "What are you staring at? Help me!"
"Does this mean we have to go out and buy breakfast…?"
X.X.X.X
After picking up the landlord from his apartment and driving him to a swanky restaurant (one that Matthew helped him pick out to suit the Englishman's taste), Alfred started to experience déjà vu as they were seated in a quiet corner of the restaurant and waiting for their orders. Again, Arthur was wearing a three-piece suit for the occasion. But Alfred matched that this time, wearing the exact same thing as the other blond except for a white outer coat, the American's one was black. The outfit irritated him and he chewed the inside of his cheeks to distract himself.
Stupid Mattie! Why do I have to one-up from what I wore last time…to impress him?
"So Alfred, what do you think about the truth?" the accented voice brought him back from his ranting spree in his head.
Alfred swallowed before parroting "The uh…truth?"
"That's right," Arthur looked directly into Alfred's eyes with his green ones.
"I'm…not quite sure what you're asking for…such an odd thing to question," he mentally kicked himself for being caught off guard and stuttering. He was putting on a show after all.
"Well, I just figured that while we're waiting for our food to arrive that we take the time to get to know each other better," Arthur responded casually. "I'm curious about what you think the truth is."
Alfred slightly bit his bottom lip as he tried to come up with an "appropriate" answer.
Damn it…of all the things he could talk about it had to be about the truth…is this some sort of test?
With the Englishman still gazing at him steadily, the taller blond exhaled before presenting his thoughts. "I believe that the truth is like the sun," he started.
Arthur's eyes widened a bit at the comparison. "The sun? How so?"
"One can't look straight at it and must avert his eyes," Alfred explained rather pessimistically. But when he saw how Arthur's face dropped a bit at the answer, he immediately added "However, it is the same light from the truth that banishes the shadows of doubt, speculation, and fear."
At this, Arthur rested his chin on the back of his hands as he leaned forward on the table. "What an interesting perspective," he sighed in awe.
"Thank you," Alfred leaned back on his chair to make up for the distance Arthur gave up.
And if you get too close to it…it'll burn you
It was then that Arthur looked away but asked "Then what do you think is l-love?"
Alfred grimaced inwardly at the question but again tried to come up with an answer that will satisfy the landlord.
What is this, Philosophy 101?
"Hmmm," this question was a bit trickier to answer. Alfred has never really thought about the concept since the college he went to always demanded his full attention. He knew what it looked like and exactly how to show it, but never actually felt the emotion before. He thought about throwing in clichés, but decided to come up with an intelligent answer instead that will subliminally warn Arthur that he wasn't interested in him. When he thought he got it down, Alfred took a sip from his coffee and looked at Arthur, who was waiting expectantly. "Such a broad topic…don't you think? Love can be defined in so many ways, and the word has lost its true value because people use it for everything nowadays," When Arthur nodded his understanding, Alfred continued to ramble on in order to stall for time. "I mean, people use the word sometimes to exaggerate something, and it's hard to take someone seriously when they tell you they love you…" Alfred paused to let the words sink in. Sapphire eyes staring acutely for any signs that he got the hint, the taller blond was sorely disappointed when he got no reaction from the Englishman.
Arthur was still looking at him, but this time with half-lidded eyes and a small smile on his face. To his left, the wine glass was half full. "Hn," was all that came out from the landlord.
The staring was making Alfred uncomfortable, and he fidgeted before trying to compose himself again.
Damn it get a hold of yourself! I can't slip up!
Deciding that he should lay the hint a bit heavier, the American bluntly stated "Unfortunately, love is a fleeting feeling and will wither and die with the times…I sometimes think that such a thing doesn't exist in this world,"
The cynical view made Arthur snap out of his trance and he sat up at the words. "But Alfred, surely you've heard of 'love at first sight'…that can't be a fleeting feeling can it?"
"I believe it's called an infatuation, and is tested by time. But tell me, do you believe in something like that?"
"Yes," Arthur answered more hastily than he should have.
Alfred smiled warmly at the reaction he just received.
What a hopeless romantic…
"Then can you please explain to me why you do and tell me what you think love truly is?" Alfred was just about out of ideas on the topic and wanted to enjoy his coffee and meal that just arrived after his little explanation.
As the night wore on (too slowly in Alfred's opinion), the more drinks Arthur had, the more he seemed to open up to his "date"; from purely lecturing the poor blond on deep subjects to complaining how some tenants back at the building drove him crazy, and all the way to his past with other people he had met. From what he could gather (he was phasing out between where he was and where he wanted to be), the fact that made Alfred feel sorry for the landlord was his history with previous dates. The gentleman poured his heart out to them and in return, they broke up with him after a date or two.
"They never told me what I did wrong, but just left me in silent pity and courtesy…I don't need that damn it!"
Alfred eyed the number of empty wine and beer bottles before turning his attention to the Brit.
Maybe if you didn't fall in love so easily…you wouldn't have your heart broken so many times…The thought made him cringe slightly and a frown wormed its way onto his lips.
I'll be the next one to break his heart…
"It's getting late, we should get going," Alfred sprung up from his seat to stretch. It wasn't easy eating when one's back always had to be straight.
Arthur tried doing the same, but staggered and swayed once he was on his feet.
Alfred caught the signs of being tipsy, and went around the table to support the other man. "Let me help you get to the car," he politely offered.
The drunken man opened his mouth to object, but clammed up once he realized how close the American was to him, an arm around his shoulders to prevent him from falling flat on his face.
The two slowly made their way to Matthew's vehicle (there was no way Alfred could afford a car – he was a poor college student!) after he paid the check; and was it a very pricey one indeed with all the liquor the landlord kept ordering. Once there, Alfred opened the back door and practically threw an obviously smashed Arthur off of him and into the backseat.
He won't remember anything that happened here anyways
Buckling up the Englishman was no easy task…for he would always snatch and fondle with his date's hands whenever his coordination allowed him to. The fact that he kept swaying to and fro or leaning against Alfred when he got the chance irritated the American as well. "Come on, Arthur, work with me here,"
The landlord slurred something unintelligibly, giving that one second for Alfred to properly put the belt around his waist and click it before making his way to the driver's seat.
The whole world was against Alfred that night. Not only did the light turn red everytime he got to it, but so many more pedestrians were jaywalking or taking their sweet time crossing the street that the impatient blond wanted to smash his head against the steering wheel over and over again until he was knocked unconscious. He was about to do just that when a figure appeared right in front of the headlights and he slammed the brakes, the car stopping with a grating screech.
"Watch where you're goin' ya fool!" the irate pedestrian hollered as he stalked over to the stalled vehicle.
Not wanting more trouble, Alfred simply rolled down the window and said with a strained smile "I'm so sorry, sir. But I honestly didn't see you there,"
The albino in front of him gaped in horror, clearly offended. "How can you not see the awesome me crossing the street?"
"You were jaywalking...at night...wearing dark clothing..." he provided, hoping the other male could piece it all together.
Apparently the pedestrian was more vain than logical. "These clothes make me look sexy! You could've killed the awesome me!"
"Ya wanna switch places, buddy?" Alfred offered. "Because I'd much rather get run over than deal with a drunkard sitting in the backseat of my car,"
"What-"
As if on cue, the supposingly sedated Brit sprung to life and exclaimed "Why did we stop? Are we there yet?" But after his short outburst, grew quiet again...too busy petting something that wasn't there.
The man outside the car simply cackled at the American's misfortune.
"Yeah...pity me..." Alfred pouted and had one hand on the wheel while the other was dangling lazily outside of the car.
"I know how you feel man, my brother gets drunk sometimes too. And believe me when I say this - he becomes an animal,"
This caught the blond's attention. "So how do you deal with him?"
The albino smirked as he answered "Nothing works better than tying him up and locking him in his own room until morning,"
Alfred couldn't help but chuckle at the ill advice. "Thanks dude, and I'm sorry about almost running you over earlier,"
"It's nothing, takes more than a car to take me down ya know!" the stranger grinned.
The two fist bumped before Alfred drove off.
Things were just looking up when the man in the backseat woke up and couldn't keep his mouth shut, yelling obscenities out the window or laughing with these things he called faeries. And just when Alfred thought it couldn't get any worse, he stiffened in his seat when he felt hands around his torso.
Great…he's touching me in uncomfortable places…
From behind, Arthur reached around so that his arms could encircle the blond in the front. "Mmm, Alfred…I'm so lonely back here," he whined, his breath reeking of alcohol.
Blue eyes wide, Alfred turned around just enough to see that Arthur took off the seat belt and was pressing his body against the driver's seat. Gently swatting the groping hands away, he chided "Control yourself Arthur, we're almost to your apartment,"
Before Arthur could elaborate on what Alfred was saying, the American stepped on the gas abruptly and sent the landlord back against his seat. "I feel nauseous now…"
"Matt's gonna kill me if he finds puke in his car…" Alfred muttered under his breath, silently praying that the Englishman could hold it in until they got out of the vehicle.
Somehow, they did make it back without anyone throwing anything up. And although Alfred really didn't want to, he helped the landlord to his apartment on the third floor. Once there, he left the drunken man in front of his own door, saluted with a "Have a nice evening!" and turned on his heel when a slurred voice behind him made him stop.
"I can't find my keys…"
Not my problem…Alfred wanted to tell him, but instead said "Oh dear, did you have them with you when you left the building?"
"I think I left them in my front pocket…care to get them for me, love?" Arthur asked suggestively, sending Alfred a sly grin.
The unfortunate blond shuddered, trying to suppress the small blush on his cheeks. "Uhh…can't you get them yourself? I'm sure you're more than capable of doing so," he threw back as calmly as possible. He remained standing where he was away from the landlord and watched the spectacle before him.
Arthur pouted slightly before reaching into his pockets to fish out the keys. Now this was the funny part: after successfully finding the keys, the clumsy sandy blond dropped them and bent over to retrieve them, only to hit his head against the wooden front door of his apartment. He then started cussing at the door as if it was a real person and kicked it.
Alfred couldn't help but guffaw at the sight. Feeling heroic, he strode over to the blond rubbing his aching head and picked the keys up for him. "Let me get that for you, sir." He unlocked the door and led the drunk into his own living room. When he was close enough to drop the keys on the stand next to the leather couch, Alfred whirled around, ready to leave the landlord to his own devices. "What?"
"Where do you think you're going, Alfred," the Englishman purred the name out, mischief twinkling in his hazy, emerald eyes. He already closed the front door behind him, blocking it with his body.
"Back to Matt's apartment of course," Alfred responded, eyeing the man in front of him uneasily. "You're drunk. You should get some rest."
"But the night is still young, surely we can find a way to pass the time…" Arthur was already working on loosening his tie and trying to unbutton his dress shirt. Too bad he was as seductive as a drunken chicken, swaying around and knocking over china left on display to the side of the wall.
Maybe I should call the cops...
Alfred cautiously backed away from the perverted Englishman. "Dude, let's not go there…you're not thinking straight…" he didn't care if he sounded improper...the landlord's gone mad!
"Come now, Alfred, I know you want this…I've seen the way you've been staring at me," Arthur was rapidly closing the gap between himself and Alfred.
"Yeah…no…you've got it all wrong man…" the taller blond was looking all around the room to find something to hit the drunk with. He gasped when the back of his leg hit the black couch behind him.
Shit!
Sensing the moment to catch his prey, Arthur let out a low growl before pouncing, expecting to have an American pinned beneath him; but found his world turning upside down and that it was he who landed on the furniture first, Alfred standing next to him. "Wha-"
And Mattie thinks watching kung-fu movies are a waste of time!
The relieved look Alfred had on for a second fell as he saw Arthur smirk up at him. "Ah, so you like it rough,"
There's no end to his perverted remarks!
It was a good thing Alfred was used to drunkards back at his college, and remembering the advice he just received from the pedestrian he almost ran over, an idea came to mind. Before Arthur got a chance to right himself up from the sofa and attempt another assault, Alfred grabbed the loosened tie around his neck and instead wrapped it around his head, using it as a makeshift blindfold. "That's right, so why don't you be a good boy and stay right there…I have a surprise for you," he whispered huskily into the shorter male's ear.
Arthur's cheeks instantly turned redder and he mewled in anticipation, doing as he was told.
Now that the pervy landlord was sedated for a while, Alfred searched around the area for rope. To his dismay, he only found a few books written by Shakespeare, teacups, and saucers lying around the apartment.
"Alfred, what's taking you so long?~" Arthur asked in a sing-song voice.
"In a minute…love…" the American scrunched his face up at using the term of endearment. Thinking fast, he went into the hallway and grabbed the fire hose out of its glass case (this was an emergency damn it!) and dragged it in to where Arthur was still laying prostrate on the sofa. Pulling the man up so that his back was against the leather cushion, Alfred had to stop what he was doing when arms clung to his sides.
"I love you, Alfred Jones," the Englishman mumbled into his chest.
"Damn it Arthur…" he pried the hands off him before setting to work and wounding the hose round and round the couch, strapping Arthur to it in the process.
Because of the alcohol, the sandy blond's body was already restrained before he could even ask what was going on but giggled nonetheless. "I never knew you were into bondage,"
"Are you against it?" Alfred allowed his hot breath to tickle the other man's ear before withdrawing from the bound body.
Blindfold still on him, Arthur licked his lips – an indication that he didn't object.
"Good…good…" the American ran his index finger along Arthur's neck before going around back and tightening the knot of the hose/makeshift rope. As a parting gift, he chastely kissed Arthur on the cheek before leaving the bound man and closing the door behind him. "Sleep tight~"
Cooking 101: Grease fires cannot be put out with water. In fact, I think it makes it worse. So the best method is to first turn off the stove and put a lid on top of the pan or pour salt or baking soda over the flame.
Psychology 101: When Alfred mentioned how psychologically opposites don't attract, it's because compatibilty follows the "like likes like" principle more than it does the "opposites attract" theory. This however, isn't always true~
Endnotes: Alfred gives love a bad name! -breaks out into song and gets shot-
Ahem, so I've noticed in a few stories that when a person gets drunk, either everyone around him turns into defenseless moe blobs or the drunk person gains super-strength and can beat everyone around him...Either way, the drunk person gets his way. But not in this one! Sorry folks~ I kind of can't stand those situations...
Oh I forgot to mention this way before, but I would like to dub Al and Matt the "Devious Duo" in this fic for obvious reasons. And yes, Alfred judo-flipped Arthur onto the couch...wearing a black three-piece suit...please don't judge me T_T