Stephenie Meyer owns the copyright to Twilight and all its characters

The original characters, plots, and storyline contained within this derivative work are the property of Brits23 and Lazykate

(Translation: if you steal it, we will send Bitey after your ass…and not in a good way)

Just as a reminder—Lazykate writes the girls and Brits23 writes the boys.

Chapter Ten - Manaconda

BPOV

-x-

Jacob.

I stared at my Blackberry as it rang cheerfully in my hand, flashing the caller ID image of him that it automatically pulled from his Facebook profile. He'd evidently changed it since we'd broken up…there was a plain-looking girl with long dark hair snuggled possessively into his side in this photo.

I made no move to answer the call, and when it stopped ringing, I clenched my jaw and waited. Sure enough, no more than twenty seconds later, the chime indicating that he'd left a voicemail sounded.

Son of a bitch!

I threw the phone back into my bag and put the car in reverse, then floored it out of the parking lot. I was halfway home before I realized I was going well over the speed limit, and I took a deep breath as I lifted my foot off the gas.

What the fuck did he want? What part of ex-girlfriend didn't he understand? Ex, as in out of his life, out of his house, tossed out like yesterday's newspaper. Moreover, what the hell was wrong with me? Why did I care if he had the duller, uglier, dumber version of me flashing on my caller ID? I'd moved on with not one but two sexy men, both of whom were practically bending over backwards to get me to commit in one form or another. Why did Jacob still have the power to do this to me?

Because it's normal, a small voice whispered in the back of my head. You're allowed to be pissed off and hurt. You'd be lying if you said you weren't.

But over Jacob?

I pulled into the driveway and slouched into the house, my happy buzz from earlier completely gone. Not even the memory of Edward's hot seductive kiss could shake me out of the ugly mood that settled over me like a black fog.

Tossing my bag onto the bed, I sat down at my computer and decided to work on bookkeeping, a chore I dreaded and always put off. I filed my self-employment taxes quarterly, which meant at least one day set aside to pulling out receipts and entering stacks of invoices. It was a pain in the ass, but today it was the exact mind-numbing busy-work that I needed, and I managed to transfer all the data into my accounting program. When my stomach started growling a few hours later, I got up and made a quick sandwich for dinner, remembering that Alice was going straight from work over to Jasper's.

I was just standing again, to take my empty plate back to the kitchen, when my Blackberry rang. I set the plate down on my desk and fished it out of the purse, only to be greeted with the picture of Jacob and his new girlfriend grinning at me again. Irritation flared through me in an instant, and this time I hit the green Answer button.

"Hello?" I snapped.

"Hello to you too," came Jacob's voice over the phone, his tone equally as irritated as mine. I shut my eyes and willed myself not to hang up on him.

"What do you want, Jacob? I'm busy."

"Don't you check your voicemail anymore?" he demanded. "I seem to remember that you always have your Blackberry on you day and night. Work before pleasure and all that?"

"I didn't feel like listening to your voicemail." Jacob and I hadn't spoken since two days before my move to Miami, and hearing that long-familiar voice was unsettling, even through my anger. "So why are you calling?"

"Jesus, why are you being such a bitch? If you'd listened to my message maybe you wouldn't be so cranky."

I gritted my teeth. "Spit it out."

"I was calling to let you know that I'm selling the condo. Since you contributed to paying the mortgage for the past four years, I wanted to send you a check for the amount you paid into it."

My jaw fell open and I blinked for a moment, completely speechless. Of all the things I'd allowed myself to consider that he might have called for, this hadn't even remotely been on the radar.

"Bella?"

"Yeah, I just…what brought this on? You could have given it to me before I left." I sank down on the bed.

"I don't know, I guess it didn't really cross my mind until now."

I rolled my eyes, that was typical Jacob. "Why are you selling the condo?"

He hesitated for a moment. "We, uh…Leah and I…well, we want a bigger place."

Leah. The duller, uglier, dumber version of me had a name.

"She's actually the one who reminded me that I probably owed you some money from the sale."

Great, and she was apparently nicer than me too. Had I been in her shoes, I wouldn't have suggested sending a dime to the ex…maybe she was feeling guilty for helping him cheat on me. Whatever the reason, I wasn't going to turn it down, pride be damned. I had contributed to half the mortgage for four years, and I'd be a complete fool to not accept it back. "Do you want my address?" I asked finally.

"Yeah, I'll send you a certified check as soon as it sells. We've already got someone who's interested, so it probably won't take very long."

"Um, that's nice," I said coolly. "Do you have a pen?"

He wrote down my address and promised to call as soon as he'd mailed the check out. "So, is everything else going okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. You?"

"We're good. We're uh…" he paused. "This is awkward as hell, Bella, but I wanted you to hear this from me, not from Charlie. Leah and I, we're, uh, getting married."

My brain froze. "Oh." Was I supposed to say congratulations? Or maybe thank him for throwing me out before he decided to launch himself into matrimony with my replacement just a few months after we broke up? "That's nice."

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting you to be excited or anything, but I wanted to be the one to tell you."

"Thanks for the heads-up," I finally ground out. "Listen, I've got to go."

"Okay. 'Bye, Bella."

"Goodbye." I dropped my Blackberry into my lap and then, to my horror, felt a prickle of tears burning in my eyes. What the hell was wrong with me? What was so awful about me that the guy who'd dumped me was marrying my replacement just a couple of months later? Was I that much of a workaholic, like Alice always teased me, or had my aversion to commitment been evident to Jacob even back then?

I mean, Jesus, I had two gorgeous sexy guys both angling for some kind of established relationship and I wouldn't consider it for either one. If that wasn't a sign, nothing was.

I shut my eyes and took a few long deep breaths. This self-pity was not part of the No Regrets plan. Anything separating me further from Jackass was supposed to be a good thing. But then again…his news had knocked the wind out of those sails.

After a moment, I picked up my Blackberry again and dialed Alice's number. She hadn't mentioned that she and Jasper were doing anything special that evening, so I didn't feel guilty about the need to share the shitty news. I just needed a sympathetic ear, a reminder about Jacob's pickle-dick, and I would be fine. Really, I would.

Alice's phone rang repeatedly until finally her chirpy voicemail picked up, and I ended the call without leaving a message, scowling. She and Jasper were probably too busy making hobbit porn to bother answering.

I stood up and began pacing around the small room, my agitation growing. I was half-tempted to go grab a bottle of vodka from the kitchen and drown my sorrows, but I knew I would probably end up drunk-dialing Jacob if I did, more than one humiliating past experience had taught me that.

After a moment, I snatched the phone back up and dialed Carlisle's cell phone number, wondering if he would be available for a last-minute date that night. Nothing serious, nothing heavy, just dinner and a friend to commiserate with. Although we hadn't shared too many secrets from our respective pasts, I could tell he had a gift for knowing when to listen and when to offer advice. It was one of the many reasons I liked him so much, why I knew that no matter what ended up happening between us, that he would always remain my friend.

Carlisle's phone rang only twice before his calm measured voice instructed me to leave a message, or to dial 911 if it was an emergency.

"Hi Carlisle, it's Bella…I know you're probably right in the middle of something if you're not answering your phone, so I…" I swallowed hard; even I could tell that my voice sounded strange. "I'm sorry I bothered you, even though I guess I didn't…anyway, I'll talk to you later, it's no big deal. 'Bye."

The silence of the house after I hung up again only served to emphasize the fact that I was by myself, all alone, having a pity party at a table for one. Fuck this!

I threw my phone back into my purse and headed out the door, thankful that the height of rush hour was over. I had absolutely no idea where I was going, and I didn't care. I just wanted to be around people: maybe I'd go find some random little ethnic restaurant and reassure myself that I could go out for dinner by myself, that I was a strong independent woman, that I could calm myself down from whatever temporary insanity Jake's phone call had brought out in me.

Unfortunately those plans all went completely out the window when, forty-five minutes later, I found myself sitting downtown in the mother of all unholy traffic jams. Alice hadn't called me, and neither had Carlisle. Traffic had been at a completely standstill for the past twenty minutes, the perfectly rotten cherry on top of the day.

Fuck!

I huffed and turned the air conditioning down, then eyeballed the area around me, wondering if there was a restaurant, store, or some other spot I could park at and pass the time with until this mess cleared. The area looked vaguely familiar, but I wasn't quite sure why until I craned my neck to assess the high-rises around me and realized where I was.

Right outside Wind Tower.

No, Bella, don't even think about it!

But there were shops on the first eight floors, I remembered Edward telling me that, or maybe I could see if Blue World was open this early…

Edward is not the person you want to boo-hoo-hoo about Jacob to.

And why not? He was no Carlisle when it came to empathy, but he'd been open and honest over lunch, and he'd gotten a lot better about dropping his douchebag playboy image around me.

He's probably not even home!

Well, in that case, I'd mosey down to Blue World and see if I couldn't find a new friend, since my list of ones to call on was apparently tragically short.

I'd left a decent space between me and the car in front…thanks to many How to Prevent a Carjacking tips from Charlie…and managed to wiggle out of the line of traffic to pull a U-turn into the opposite lanes, putting me directly in front of the entrance to Wind Tower's parking structure. Luck was shining on me now; I found a spot right next to the first set of elevators and was zooming upwards within minutes.

I changed over to the residential elevators when I reached the ninth floor and punched the button for the twenty-second level, amazed that I remembered exactly which floor he lived on. I'd been more than a little distracted the last time I took this elevator ride upwards, after all.

With a quiet chime and soft whoosh, the doors slid open and I marched resolutely down the hall, again pleasantly surprised that I remembered which apartment was his. There weren't too many on each floor, though; they were all obviously spacious and the front doors were set fairly far apart. I hadn't noticed much beyond Edward's bedroom that first night, but he'd told me that he'd inherited quite a fortune from his late father. It was obvious where some chunk of it had gone.

"Hey there, I remember you."

I whirled around with a startled gasp; the hall had been empty when I'd exited the elevator, and I hadn't heard anyone emerge from their apartment.

The oily-sounding voice belonged to an equally-oily-looking man, the kind that practically had a neon sign flashing PERVERT over his head. He looked to be in his fifties, although he was wearing a tight Ed Hardy shirt that strained desperately over his gut, and one of the worst sets of hair plugs I'd ever seen dotted his obviously-receding hairline. The straggling remains of his real hair was pulled back into a limp ponytail, and a creepy smirk was growing on his face as he began sauntering towards me.

"Eddie's girl, huh? He must have you on speed-dial."

I took an instinctive step back, suddenly realizing that this was the creepy-ass neighbor Edward had warned me about; the bad vibes coming off of him were palpable. "It's none of your business."

His eyebrows went up. "Aww, c'mon honey, don't be like that. I'm an important guy."

"Where, at the local titty bar?" I retorted, taking another step back as he slid closer to me.

"Nah, I'm a doctor. A real one, not some animal doctor like Eddie. And I could show you a real good time, honey, I guarantee it. Eddie sure seemed to appreciate your efforts that one night…he told me so later. I think he was talking about you, that is…it's hard to keep track with the regular parade of sweet young things coming in and out of his place."

My stomach roiled for a moment before I remembered Edward's warning about this weirdo. "Are you trying to be a revolting creep? Because it's working, really well."

Anger flashed across his face. "Hey, don't kill the messenger, sweetheart. Eddie's lived across the hall from me ever since I got him into this place. It's not my fault you weren't the first or last to twitch your fine little ass through his door."

Even knowing what I knew about this jerk, I couldn't deny what was the truth of his words, and they hit me like a punch to the stomach. I'd thought the traffic jam had been the last shitty thing in my day, but obviously I'd been wrong. All the emotion of the past few hours came boiling up inside of me again, and I concentrated all my hurt, anger, and frustration at the slimeball in front of me.

"Listen, asshole, unless you want me to rip out those cheap-ass hair plugs and jam them down your throat before I kick you in the balls, I suggest you ooze your way back into your apartment and leave me alone."

Disbelief and then absolute fury contorted his puffy features. "Fuck you, you stuck-up bitch! As if I'd take Eddie's sloppy seconds anyway…like anyone would want a frigid pussy like you. Even Eddie, and God knows he's not picky." He began backing away from me, towards the door across the hall and down a few yards. "Consider your opportunity blown, sweetheart, and tell Eddie and whatever hooker he's got in there now that I said hello." With that, he fumbled for his doorknob and slipped into his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

I stood frozen for a moment, breathing hard, willing back the tears that were threatening yet again to spill down over my cheeks. The creep obviously stared as religiously out his peephole as some grannies listened in on police scanners…did Edward actually have someone in there with him now? Did the perv's words have some merit? Edward hadn't denied it last week when I'd called him out on seeing other women since our one-night-stand...fuck it, there was only one way to find out.

Completely foregoing a polite knock, I banged on Edward's front door with my closed fist, hard. There was an immediate series of delighted yaps from Taylor, and I could hear Edward's muffled voice, sternly commanding her to sit. The deadbolt slid back and then there he stood, still dressed in his work clothes, although he'd undone the top few buttons of his dress shirt, and his hair was even more disheveled than it had been earlier. He looked tired, but his expression immediately morphed into one of surprise, and then delight.

"Bella?"

That was all I needed, all I wanted, in that very moment. Me, someone wanted me. Someone was happy to see me.

I didn't give him a chance to say anything else before I was in motion, launching myself against his hard body, everything I so desperately needed in the feeling of his arms wrapped securely around me.

-x-

-x-

-x-

EPOV

So there I was, inhaling my kung pao chicken like a starving man lost in the desert, when suddenly a loud pounding sounded out against the other side of my door.

I turned down the game that was blaring from my flat screen and looked at the front door in confusion. My best friends were permanently attached to their women's titties and my pop was busy as hell with his new practice. Who else would come to see me on an ordinary Tuesday evening?

A sick and twisted thought occurred to me, like maybe Esme decided to arrive early and pound the final nail into the mindfuck coffin. I snapped out of my daze only to see my baby girl going bat-shit crazy and barking her yap off. "Put a lid on it, Tay-Tay," I grumbled, standing up as she blatantly disregarded my command.

"Taylor Marie, sit…now!" I growled, finally earning her obedience as she pouted up at me. I patted her head. "Don't make me yell at you like that, babe. You can't go crazy whenever people stop over."

I walked to the door and undid the locks, not even bothering to check the peephole. Truth be told, I didn't really care who was on the other side of it. My day was long as fuck and even though I had a little slice of Bella to brighten it up, I was two seconds away from passing the hell out before this unknown person started banging the shit out of my door.

And then I was sure that I was dreaming.

Or maybe good shit did happen to the miserable bastards in this world.

Because there she was.

Disheveled and slightly frantic, but here. And gorgeous as ever.

"Bella?" I murmured, only realizing seconds later that duh, dipshit, it's obviously Bella.

And then she was on me.

She launched herself at me and I groaned in surprised delight as her legs wrapped around my waist and her hands moved over my shoulders, sliding past them until the back of my shirt was twisted in her little fists. She pushed her nose into the crook of my neck and let out a shuddering sigh, followed by a string of profanities that not only made me smile, but kinda turned me on as well.

My smile instantly fell, though, when I realized she was shaking. "Hey…what happened, baby?" I questioned softly, pulling her tighter around my body once I felt her warm tears covering my skin.

She lifted her head to meet my gaze and I swore I could almost feel my heart cracking in my chest. Her big brown eyes were bloodshot, a stream of tears now falling steadily down her cheeks as her bottom lip trembled. "Have you ever had a day that started out significantly well, only to have it snowball into a heaping pile of bullshit?"

I reached up to smooth away her fallen tears as my brow furrowed in sympathy. "Yeah, all the time. Although I hope your day didn't go to shit because you had lunch with me."

She offered me a small smile. "No, it wasn't you…"

Realizing the door was still open, I reached behind her to close it gently. The last thing I needed was that fuckhead neighbor of mine to see Bella like this. I adjusted my grip on her and looked at her carefully, hoping like hell she wasn't ready for me to put her down. It just felt so fucking natural to have her legs wrapped around me. "What can I do to make you feel better, Bella? I'll listen if you want to talk, I'll let you punch me if you need to work out some of that frustration, or I'll just sit here and hold you tight. Just tell me…"

"I don't know." She let out a quivering sigh as her eyes clenched briefly. "I just want…"

The air was growing hot and thick against my skin. The room was closing in with each passing second that my eyes held her gaze. My fingers danced along her body as I pressed her to me and licked my lips, anxious for the next words to fall from her sweet mouth. "Tell me what you want, baby," I breathed.

"Right now...at this moment...I just need you to make me feel like it's not me against the world. I just want it all to go away."

And then her lips were on mine.

Everything happened so fast and my mind was in some sort of fucking Bella-induced whirlwind, too confused to process the meaning behind her frustration. But it really didn't matter, she had her tongue in my mouth and hands in my hair and hips pushing her hot body against mine. My response to her was always immediate; I'd been hard since the second she'd jumped me in the doorway.

I moaned into her mouth as she slid her hands between us and began pulling at my shirt haphazardly. She let out a primitive grunt and everything became even more urgent the second I heard the buttons of my shirt sound out against the hardwood floors.

I pushed her back firmly against the door and grabbed her by the ass, pulling her tight against me until I was grinding my aching dick in slow, heavy gyrations against her heat.

I remembered the shape of her so fucking well. Every noise, every curve, every scent…

God I wanted this woman. No, I fucking needed her. I was suddenly convinced that I'd never known the meaning of that word until my eyes had fallen upon her pale skin clad in sinful red that first night at the club.

In that second my need for her was my master, and if I had it my way, I would be hers.

I dragged my teeth down the slender column of her neck and she cried out from the mixture of pleasure and pain. She reciprocated with a sharp tug to my hair as her hips thrust against me. "Take me…take me to your bed," she gasped.

I complied instantly, gripping her tightly beneath her round little ass and pinning her against me as we kissed sloppily down the hallway. We were moaning and desperate as I pressed her against my bedroom door. Every inch of my skin was on fire and the way our bodies fit together was like fucking magic. She couldn't deny this. She couldn't tell me she didn't feel the way we fit together, that she didn't burn for me the way I did for her.

It was all that my mind could focus on, and as her hands pulled frantically at my belt buckle, I reminded myself where our final destination would be. My California King.

My lips were already raw from the way she was biting and sucking them. She was like a woman possessed as she maneuvered herself against my body in all the right ways. I dropped both of us onto the bed in a heap, my body reluctant to be away from hers as I moved over her heavily. My eyes rolled back in my head as she palmed me through my pants, her fingers digging into me so viciously it either made me want to cry or cum, I couldn't be sure.

I slid down her body and lifted her little dress until it was bunched beneath her breasts, my lips sucking hard against her abdomen and sliding lower until my mouth was hot and wet over her lacy black panties. Bella cried out loudly and gripped my hair, pushing my head further between the apex of her thighs.

I ignored her unspoken demand, crawling back up her body and pressing my lips gently to hers, waiting for her eyes to meet mine before I released my kiss.

And then I looked past my throbbing erection to see something more.

To see her pain.

Tears were still leaking from beneath her long lashes as her chest heaved against mine. Her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth and her fingers were wrapped so tightly in my shirt that her skin was turning white from the exertion.

A sharp pang of guilt shot through my gut when I realized what this was, and what I almost did.

Because this wasn't about me or our need for one another. This was about her and whatever shit hand she'd been dealt today.

"Bella," I whispered, arching my hips up off of hers as she continued to grind against me.

Her eyes still wouldn't open.

My heart felt like it would beat out of my chest, not only because I had the girl of my dreams pinned beneath me, but because of the fact that she was more or less using me to work out her frustrations. No, I couldn't think of it like that but truthfully, what else did I expect? Wasn't I the one propositioning her every chance I got? Wasn't I the one leering at her and grabbing at her and making her think my number one priority was getting in her pants?

I had no one to blame but myself.

I untwisted my shirt from her fists and rubbed them soothingly, lifting my body farther from hers as I gazed at her intently. "Bella, please…" I begged.

She finally opened her eyes and looked at me in confusion. "What is it?"

"We can't…I can't do this, baby. Not like this."

"What do you mean?" she asked hastily, rising up on her elbows and pressing her chest tighter against mine.

"This isn't right, Bella. You're upset and you want me to make your pain go away, but I won't do it like this. I refuse to take advantage of you…you mean more to me than that."

She gazed at me with confusion in her eyes before it shifted to pure rejection. "You…you don't want me?"

I let out a harsh laugh, barely resisting the urge to roll my eyes. My lips moved against hers slowly as I took her hand, sliding it down between us until it was pressed against my aching cock. "Bella…I fucking want you. God, do I want you," I breathed against her lips.

Tears slid from her eyes as I pulled back a bit, looking at her intently. "But baby, I want you to want me too."

"I do," she insisted. "I do want you, Edward."

"The next time we have sex, I want it to be because we get lost in our passion, in our connection. Not because life's been treating you shitty and you're looking for an out. I'm trying to be noble and shit, so throw me a bone here," I grinned crookedly.

My smile fell the instant she pushed me hard; hard enough to send my ass toppling off the mattress and onto the floor. I looked up at her in confusion as she knelt on the edge of my bed. I wanted to beg her not to Lorena Bobbitt me, but I got the feeling that would only make her want to do it more.

"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me!" she laughed, almost maniacally. "So you can bring in some random skank to fuck whenever and however you see fit, but the girl you claim to 'care about,' you refuse to be with?"

I must have been a fucking sight in that moment. Tattered dress shirt hanging limply from my torso, my cock pitching an enormous tent in my black dress pants, and my mouth hanging open in complete and utter bewilderment. "What the hell are you talking about, woman? I haven't been with any skanks since the second I realized I wanted more from you than a good lay!"

Bella threw her hands up and lunged off the bed, pacing the length of my bedroom. "Oh really? Because that's not what your neighbor told me. He had no problem whatsoever with airing your dirty laundry, Edward Masen! I'm surprised I didn't walk into some sort of gang-bang considering I showed up unannounced!"

I stood up hastily, crossing the room until I was standing in front of her. "Wait a minute, you talked to James?"

"Yeah, he cornered me in the hallway and tried to convince me to get on him in not so many words. Until I told him I was going to shove his hair plugs down his throat. But don't change the subject!"

I grabbed her arm and narrowed my eyes as my chest heaved in anger. "Didn't I warn you not to roam around my hallway unattended? Bella, if he fucking laid a finger on you, I swear to Christ…"

She rolled her eyes. "Please, Edward. If you don't think I can handle your perverted neighbor, then you clearly don't know me very well. I just can't understand why a guy that I'm dating won't fuck me when he obviously wants to! Isn't that what you're always aiming for when it's all said and done? Well here I am, big boy, have at me!"

I gripped my hair in a tight fist and fought like hell to keep my cool, speaking in a low, deep voice. "We're more than just a fuck, Bella. And yeah, I may tell you every time I see you how badly I want you in my bed again - but I always want more than sex when it comes to you. And I'm sorry if you feel like all I'm good for is a romp in the sack. I'm sure that's mostly my fault because of the never-ending slew of insinuations I throw your way. Maybe I should have been more clear with my intentions."

"Yeah," she chuckled harshly, slowly walking backwards and away from me. "Maybe you should have. But now I'll never need to know what your intentions were."

My heart jumped into my throat as I processed her words. This was not fucking happening. "Bella, will you stop?"

"Just let me go, Edward," she demanded, quickening her steps to the bedroom door without giving me a second glance.

Luckily, I was faster. I reached over her head and slammed the door shut, trapping her between it and my body. I leaned down until my bottom lip was ghosting along her earlobe. "You want to break away from me because you think I'm rejecting you? Because you're embarrassed by the fact that I said no? That's bullshit, Bella. If I was the slimy motherfucker you think I am, then we'd be wrapped up in my sheets right now and I'd be buried so goddamn deep inside you...but I respect you enough to know that your head isn't in the right place to take that crucial step in our relationship. Is that really how you want to play it? Demand that I fuck you or you ditch? Well that's not going to fly with me." I took a deep breath and rested my temple against hers, sliding my hands down her arms. "I'll make it go away, baby, but first you need to tell me what I'm helping you erase."

Bella sighed deeply, pressing her forehead against the door. Minutes passed with our complete silence until finally she turned and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly. "I'm sorry I lost it," she whispered hoarsely, pulling me tighter as my arms surrounded her.

"Don't apologize to me, Bella," I murmured, kissing her ear. "I'm pretty much spastic every second I'm in your presence anyway. You do that to me."

She let out a shuddering sob and pushed her face tighter against my neck. "I never intended on coming over here and jumping you. I just needed a friend and your neighbor propositioned me and then called me a stuck-up bitch when I turned him down, which only added to my rage since my ex decided to call me today and tell me that he was marrying the girl he dumped me for. A girl who is a carbon copy of me except she's plain and boring and exceptionally less. Shit, maybe I am a stuck-up bitch. But more than anything I'm pissed at myself for letting Jacob make me feel worthless. A guy who I was never entirely into to begin with is making me feel like I'm nothing…and that's on me. So really, I'm just pissed at myself. And once everything added up and I knocked on your door…I just wanted you to hold me, because somehow you have this way of making me feel safe, and I used that to my advantage. I'm so sorry."

I was hit with a myriad of emotions in that moment. I was irritated as hell because some loser ex-boyfriend of hers had made her feel insignificant, and I was jealous because she was upset about said ex in the first place. But mostly I felt a blinding, burning rage spread throughout my body like wildfire. A growl built deep within my chest as I crushed her to me. "Are you telling me that motherfucker James called you a bitch?"

She chuckled. "Is that all you took from my incoherent rambling?"

I kissed her forehead and broke our embrace, hell bent on pounding that bastard's door down and beating him to a bloody pulp. No one talked about my fucking girl that way. "I'll kill him," I said darkly, breathing heavily through my nose as I threw open my bedroom door.

I heard Bella calling my name behind me, but my fury had made every sight and sound nothing but a muffled blur. However, when she jumped on my back and yelled in my ear to "stop going caveman," she managed to stop me in my tracks.

I slid her down my back and turned to face her. I felt my body immediately relax the moment I took in her amused expression. "You're as red as a beet, Edward," Bella chuckled, reaching down to pat my dog who was now at our feet, whining and thumping her tail, begging for attention.

I shook my head and grumbled beneath my breath, walking swiftly to the kitchen and opening the cabinet above the fridge. "Get your gorgeous ass in my bedroom and pick out a good CD. I'm going to put Taylor in her room and I'll be there in a second."

She looked at me quizzically. "Why, did you change your mind?"

I looked over my shoulder and shook my head, smiling at her crookedly. "No, baby. You've had a shitty day and I'm ready to go homicidal, so we're going to get our drink on and drown this shit out. Are you game?"

She tapped her mouth with her index finger before a wry smile twisted her pink lips. "Hmm…I'll drink to that."

I didn't take my eyes off of her for a second as she sauntered into my bedroom and closed the door behind her.

Goddamn, that girl drove me crazy.

-x-

-x-

-x-

An hour later and I was feeling pretty stellar. All of my bedding had ended up in a pile on the floor with Bella and I sprawled out on top of it, passing a bottle of scotch back and forth. The mellow sounds of Sinatra were floating throughout my surround-sound speakers and the lights were dimmed as I listened to Bella speak. I felt my eyes crinkling around the edges as I watched her, something that Emmett had warned me was a sign of the monogomies. Somehow it didn't matter.

"So basically he was like, 'Oh, I'm giving you money for the mortgage and I'm getting married.' And this girl…I'm sure she's very sweet and all but I don't get the appeal. Not that I'm complaining. If he didn't break up with me, it was only a matter of time before I got the hell out of there."

I shook my head, taking a pull from the bottle. "It doesn't add up, Bella. My theory is, this Jake fucker is as gay as the day is long, and the plain girl is his beard. He's gotta like dick if he broke up with someone as gorgeous as you."

"You're biased," she smiled lazily.

"Maybe I am. Doesn't change the fact that you're sexy as hell and this ex of yours is a moron."

"And a pickle-dick," she added.

I raised my eyebrows. "For real? Like an honest to God pickle?"

She winced and nodded. "I've never seen anything like it."

"Huh, I wonder if he's kosher," I muttered.

Bella laughed loudly and let out a snort, her eyes widening in horror before she covered her mouth. I threw my head back and chuckled obnoxiously. "Did you just snort?"

"Shut up," she growled, slapping my shoulder. "It was funny!"

"I'm glad I could amuse you," I murmured, sliding my arm around her shoulders and pulling until her head was on my chest. "So going from a pickle-dick to my manaconda must have been quite a shock for you."

She lifted her head and looked at me like I was insane. "You did not just refer to your penis as a manaconda, did you? Because I'm leaving if you did." Her beaming smile told me otherwise.

I leaned forward and kissed her lips softly. "Do you have a better descriptor, baby? If you do, I'm all ears."

I pulled back slightly and found her eyelashes sweeping against her cheekbones as she smiled. "You are such a dork."

I felt a fluttering in my chest as the air thickened between us, my eyes closing as I let my bottom lip rest against hers. "I'm a dork," I whispered, my tongue darting out to slide between both of our lips. "But I'm the dork you tried to get on not even two hours ago."

"Are you ever going to let me live that down?" she murmured, pressing her forehead against mine as our bottom lips slid together but never finished their kiss.

"Not anytime soon."

She hummed quietly and my breath caught in my throat. "Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"You taste like scotch and cherries."

"Mmm…lip gloss and booze," she murmured hazily.

"Can I have more?"

She looked up at me from beneath her lashes and pulled my bottom lip between her teeth.

And then we were kissing.

Soft and slow, tongues sliding together and sharing their reign instead of fighting for ownership. She pulled me closer by the collar as I slid my hands up her back and buried them in her hair. The room was filled with nothing but Frank crooning a sweet song and our soft moans of pleasure.

I slid my mouth to her chin as she gasped for breath, my lips making a trail along her neck until I was sucking on the curve of her shoulder. I nudged the strap of her dress to the side with my nose and tasted this amazing girl, wishing I could taste her everywhere and knowing that patience would inevitably be my fucking virtue. No matter how blue my balls got.

"It feels so good to kiss you," I whispered, dragging my tongue along her neck until my lips were moving behind her ear. "When you're ready, Bella, I'm going to make you feel so fucking good. Anything you want, it's going to be yours."

Her nails dug into the back of my neck as she pulled me against her body, moaning softly as I sucked her earlobe into my mouth. "Come back up here," she breathed.

I groaned as she pushed me until I was lying flat on my back, her body hovering over mine as she kissed me with long, deep strokes of her tongue. I rubbed her back slowly, from the base of her neck to the curve of her ass and back again, just reveling in her sounds and her perfect body nestled against mine.

We kissed like that for minutes or hours, I couldn't be sure. I was lost in the soothing melodies floating throughout the room and the way her heated skin felt against mine. Our hands were gentle and our mouths were hungry as we made out like a couple of teenagers. Finally we broke apart with chaste kisses, exhausted but happy as we gazed at each other.

"Stay with me," I whispered, searching her dark brown eyes intently. "You're sleepy and half-drunk, and I haven't had the pleasure of waking up with you beside me. Just…please stay?"

Her eyes opened and closed lazily, contemplating my request. It was obvious she was tired but I was hoping she'd have other reasons for staying.

"No funny business?" she questioned, arching her eyebrow playfully.

"Scout's honor," I smiled crookedly, holding my scout fingers up with one hand and pinching her ass with the other. I laughed as she let out a startled squeak and I quickly redeemed myself. "Anyway, I'm kinda buzzed myself and way too tired for anything other than a cuddle. You interested?"

She leaned forward until the tips of our noses were touching. "Yeah," she whispered, "I'm interested…on one condition."

"Name it."

"Let's sleep right here on the floor, on top of all the blankets - like a slumber party."

I chuckled. "Does this mean we get to have a pillow fight in our underwear?"

Bella scoffed. "Girls don't actually do that, you know."

I clasped my chest as if she wounded me. "Oh baby, please don't take that away from me. It's one of the only fantasies that men still keep alive."

She rolled her eyes and I couldn't help but kiss her because she was so fucking cute when she did that. I didn't break our gaze as I shut the radio off with the remote and reached above me to turn off the lamp by my bedside. Once we were settled in and Bella was securely tucked beneath my arm, I let out a deep sigh of contentment.

It was really goddamn scary…how good it felt to have her like this.

"You want something to sleep in?"

She shook her head. "No, let's stay like this."

"Okay," I whispered, pressing my lips to her hair as I pulled her tighter. "Bella…did I help?"

"What?" she mumbled.

"Did I help take it away?"

"More than you know," she sighed, burrowing her face into my chest. "Goodnight, Edward."

"Night, Bella."

Thirty seconds later, I was singing quietly. "My manaconda don't want none unless you got buns hon…"

Her giggle was like music to my ears as she slapped my chest. "Dork," she whispered.

I smiled like an idiot until I was finally pulled into a deep sleep…my dreams filled with nothing but the perfect girl lying by my side.

-x-

-x-

-x-

A/N:

Brits: My manaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon! Brits shakes her rump You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt...Oh sorry, Playboyward got me all worked up over his um, trouser-snake...NOM NOM.

Kate: gives twin whipcrack/buttslap BRITS! Focus, woman, focus! On the slumber party on the floor...on the hair-plug king...on the pickle-dick...ON WHERE THE FUCK DR. MCYUMMY WAS IN BELLA'S TIME OF NEED?

Brits whistles innocently Well, I'd tell you where he was, twin, but I can't say you'd like it very much, heh heh. :D

Kate: You'd better not be telling me he was at Esme's...OR IN YOUR BED...WITHOUT ME! deathglare

Brits: Eww, he wasn't with Esme! And he wasn't in my bed...and he DEFINITELY wasn't on my floor, kitchen table, OR washing machine! (What? I'm kinky like that!)

Kate: Huh, I guess we'll have to wait until the next chap to find out, then...anyone got any theories on that? In the meantime, though...

Brits: Yes, while I send Dr. McYummy to discuss the next chap with Kate (and by discuss I mean hump), why don't you guys drop us a line in the form of a review, letting us know what you thought of our epic cockblock (sorry 'bout that) and what you think that little slumber-party might mean for B and E.

Kate: Or how awesome a CxExKxB(rits) -B(ella) slumber-party would be? Party on, Brits!

Brits: OMG that sounds all kinds of kinky! We better stock up on the booze!

Kate: I already sent Playboyward to the lick-her, uhh, liquor store. We're good to go! Oh, and by the way, I bear a sooper-sekrit message...
coughBRITS-LAID-BARE-PPSS-GO-READ-NOWcough

Brits: Hmm...I didn't quite catch that. Anyway, you can follow us on Twitter (lazykatevamp and brits23) cuz we are awesome, pervy hoors, that's why! Also stop by the DLS thread for some porn and teasers! www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=8305

Kate: What she said! Talk to you soon, lovelies!