Stephenie Meyer owns the copyright to Twilight and all its characters
The original characters, plots, and storyline contained within this derivative work are the property of Brits23 and Lazykate
(Translation: if you steal it, we will send Bitey after your ass…and not in a good way)
Just as a reminder-Lazykate writes the girls and Brits23 writes the boys.
Chapter Sixteen - Coming Back To You
BPOV
If there was one bad habit I could proudly claim I'd never had, it was procrastination.
All the way through school, even through college, I'd made it my regular routine to finish Monday's homework Saturday morning, so that I was free to enjoy the weekend. I always paid my bills on time, regularly checked off items on my to-do list, and didn't back down from tasks I dreaded. To the contrary, I liked getting things over with.
Monday afternoon, though, I was looking for any excuse whatsoever to get out of what I'd promised myself I'd do.
The drive back from Fort Lauderdale had been uneventful, but I'd lingered in the hotel room until the front desk called at eleven to ask if I was checking out. I drove just under the speed limit back to Miami, incurring the wrath of the other drivers, and then detoured to South Beach, to Alice's office. She'd flung her arms around me, scolded me for scaring the shit out of her, and then burst into tears.
That of course led to a long lunch, and after Alice went back to work, I sat in my car and wondered if I could get away with thoughtful meditation while strolling up and down the beach.
No.
This wasn't even comparable to slowly pulling off a Band-Aid. Not even close. Doing it fast and sudden would hurt a million times more than all the explaining and apologies I had in front of me, with both men. But I had to do it. Putting it off would only make everything worse…but I didn't know where to start.
In the end, I just went with my gut feeling. I knew with almost absolute certainty that Carlisle would have gone to work today, despite what had happened yesterday, so it was a safe guess that he would be there when I went to see him. Edward on the other hand…
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Edward was the complete antithesis to Carlisle's reliable personality. He was impulsive, with no obligations to anyone aside from his dog, and for all I knew he could have left Taylor at Carlisle's house and hopped a jet to be halfway across the country by now. There wasn't an easy way to find out, but I could take the first step in that direction.
Sitting in a baking parking lot there in South Beach, I called Directory Assistance and was finally connected with the Humane Society. All the scraps of bravery I'd managed to dredge up crumbled when the perky female voice on the other end of the line informed me that Dr. Masen had called in sick.
The moment my finger hit the button to disconnect that call, I started scrolling through my contacts, found Edward's name, and hit the Send button. I didn't want our first conversation to be over the phone, but I couldn't exactly chase him all over Miami either.
His phone rang…and rang…until finally his voicemail answered, and I hung up. It hadn't gone straight to voicemail, so it wasn't turned off; either he was avoiding my calls or he was too busy to pick up…despite not being at work.
Procrastination reared its ugly head again, and for a moment I was tempted to go to Carlisle first. The easier route, the one that definitely wouldn't include angry outbursts or accusations. I didn't know for certain that Edward would react that way, but I was almost certain that Carlisle wouldn't.
In the end, though, I knew who I had to apologize to first. Carlisle and I had had this discussion before, it seemed, even if neither of us were aware of it at the time. It was Edward I needed to face first, and it was the Band-Aid that would hurt the most.
Half in a daze, I steered through the remarkably-light downtown traffic to the Wind Tower, parked, and rode the quiet whoosh of the elevators to Edward's floor. I had absolutely no idea why I was so sure he was there, hiding in his apartment, but I knew one thing for sure: I'd bang on his door until I was sure he wasn't there, or until he told me to leave.
Memories flew at me fast and unrelenting as the elevator doors opened: my first visit here and what had followed. My second visit here, and what hadn't. Now I was on my third, and I was fairly sure there wouldn't be a fourth.
As before, there was no click of a lock or the squeak of hinges to warn me before Edward's creepy neighbor stepped out, almost as though he'd sensed me coming. He looked just as I remembered him, except this time his lecherous leer was immediately replaced by a sneer when he saw me. He made no attempt to stop me, but as I walked by, jaw clenched, I heard his quiet hiss behind me.
"Slut."
Any time before today, I would have turned around and made good on my previous threat to rip out his hairplugs and his balls. I might have figuratively torn him a new asshole and made sure he never looked in my direction, let alone spoke to me, ever again. But that single word, combined with the exact opinion I had of myself at the moment…all things considered, I couldn't say that he was wrong.
I guess that established how I felt about myself…now it was time to find out if Edward, and then Carlisle, thought so too.
I raised my hand, curled it into a weak fist, and knocked on Edward's door.
-x-x-x-
EPOV
I hadn't pulled an all-nighter since college finals week, and whether it was from the completely unrelated circumstances or my increasing age, it definitely wasn't what I remembered it to be.
The previous night, Jasper stayed with me for a few hours and through several episodes of Big Bang Theory that I just couldn't bring myself to laugh at. After a slice and a half of pizza I thought I was going to blow chunks, so I quickly abandoned my dinner as well. No food, no sense of humor, and no Bella…what a bunch of bullshit.
After Jazz took off for the night I retreated to my room, pulling my dog to my chest and watching infomercials like the fucking zombie I had been reduced to. The only thing I gained from it was a migraine from hell and the extensive knowledge of how to use a Slap-Chop.
When I couldn't take anymore of the incessant rambling coming from the TV, I muted it, and then resorted to staring up at the ceiling while my dog tried to comfort me with her doggy-hugs.
Apparently I had inherited some of my pop's empathy, because while I wanted to be selfish about my pain and suffering, I just couldn't get either one of them out of my thoughts. Not together, mind you, because my head would have very quickly fucking exploded if I even briefly imagined that. But mainly I hoped that Carlisle was somehow finding a way to cope with this clusterfuck, and not resorting to the broken man that Esme had created all those years ago.
And Bella…well wherever she was, I prayed she wasn't beating herself up about this. Most of my anger and irrationality had been unleashed yesterday after the truth had initially come out. Hours of mind-numbing television and a quiet apartment had provided a perfect backdrop for mulling over the situation obsessively.
There was no way I could blame Bella, or my pop, for the events that led up to yesterday's blowout. But with that realization came a burning need to know everything, right the fuck now. How did she meet him? Did she know him before me? How the hell did she never put two and two together? And what the fuck was going to happen now that everything was out in the open?
I watched through tired eyes as the sun began to come up, searching my nightstand blindly until I found my phone. With the Esme bullshit and now this, I had been missing more work than I would have liked to. That was just another upside to being a technical volunteer. It wasn't like they could fire me. I knew my pop would be trudging to his office today, regardless of how shitty he was feeling; unfortunately, that just wasn't me. I was depressed, sleep-deprived and broken…my ass was staying home, end of story.
After I got off the phone with the office, I took Taylor out on her balcony to do her business. I watched the awakening city below me, the cool breeze hitting my face as I observed the people of Miami begin a day that was like any other to them. It was nearly impossible to comprehend that fact when every single fucking thing surrounding me looked and felt completely different now.
Despite my calm exterior I could still feel the anger and confusion bubbling beneath the surface, only this time it was directed at the situation itself and not anyone in particular. Round two of the rage-fest was imminent, but at least this time I wouldn't be hurting anyone while it spouted out of me. Jasper had seemed to forgive me for lashing out on him, but I sure as hell wasn't even close. I hated myself for taking my frustration out on Jasper, for thinking the worst of Bella, and for resenting my father, the greatest man I had ever known.
"Can you die from the monogamies, Tay-Tay?" I murmured absently, resting my forehead against the railing of the balcony. With a sigh I stood and walked back into my loft, hearing my dog trailing softly behind me all the way.
At least she'd never leave me.
I spent the remainder of the morning trying to convince myself that Bella and Carlisle as a couple was inevitably going to happen. No man stood a chance against my pop, not even me. I reluctantly closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like at holidays and birthdays, seeing them hand in hand, searching my soul to find a way to be a big enough man to accept them.
I didn't know if I had it in me.
A cowardly little voice in the back of my head suggested that I take the Esme way out of this shit by jumping on the next plane and never looking back. To take my money and whore it up with the elite on some tropical, remote island. That option sounded pretty fucking excellent on paper, but I had prided myself on this life I had created, working every day and not relying on my bank account to bring me happiness. Meeting Bella and letting myself feel so strongly for her only further proved to me that I could never give up the life I had built in Miami.
The absolute worst part was, after I'd left Bella's house Saturday morning, I knew for a fact that I was in love with her. Hell, I'd been in love with her since the fucking get-go, but my stupid ass was just too blind to see it…or maybe I wasn't man enough to admit it then. Friday night when she had held me in her arms, comforted me when I was lost in the mindfuck that was Esme Platt-Masen, I had never felt more connected to another human being in my entire life.
I left her front stoop that morning with the taste of her mouth lingering on my own and a truth so fucking powerful, it nearly disabled me. All the man-whoring and self-preservation up until that point was just my way of skating through life until I found her. She was mine, we fucking belonged to each other. We fought and we joked around and we didn't always see eye to eye, but that was what made us so fucking perfect for each other. I had finally realized that I wanted - fuck that - I needed to live my life with her by my side, arguing and playing and just fucking loving…together.
But the real kick-to-the-taint was the moment I let myself acknowledge the truth I had been denying all along…before it was swiftly taken away from me. I was so fucking positive, even though she'd eventually come to me and explain why she loved my pop more than me, that what we had was the real deal.
I guess now I'd never know.
Somehow I conjured up the will to drag my sorry ass into the shower, cleaning myself quickly before climbing out and searching for some clothes. I settled on a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt, not even giving my hair another thought as it began drying in every-which-way.
I finally face-planted into the couch, sighing deeply and trying to decide whether or not I was ready to call my pop. I decided to wait until he got home from work before I called, or better yet, showed up on his doorstep. I knew this was something we'd have to discuss face to face, but the pussy in me really wanted to just cop out with a phone call. My phone beeped once from the coffee table and I picked it up, the screen indicating that I had one missed call.
It was Bella.
My heart began racing so fast that I had to clasp my chest, fear and panic rising up so violently inside me that I thought I would fucking choke on it. Even though I was preparing myself for the ultimate 'it's not you, its me' speech, it didn't mean I was ready for it. How could I look her in the eyes and know she was dumping me for a better man…my father, no less?
"God damn mother fucking son of a bitch!" I growled loudly, kicking my coffee table until it fell onto its side with a clunk, the objects on top of it toppling noisily to the floor.
My anger was back, or maybe it was just my heartache in sheep's clothing, because my God, it hurt so fucking bad. I knew it was coming, but Christ, I didn't know it would be now, the next fucking day…
I ran my fingers through my jacked-up hair and cursed beneath my breath, standing to pick up the table and it's contents from the floor. Maybe I'd get on that fucking plane after all.
She didn't leave a message and I couldn't bring myself to call her back just yet, so instead I tried with all my fucking might to get a hold of myself.
I was a grown-ass man and yet I was letting this girl completely and utterly destroy me.
But she wasn't just any girl, was she? She was the girl, and I would soon be facing the moment where I'd have to surrender her forever. How would I ever recover from this?
I began pacing my living room restlessly, not knowing what the fuck to do and resenting the twisting pain in my gut as I thought about Bella and what her phone call would ultimately mean for us. Not knowing was absolutely killing me, but in that same token I was too terrified to face her when I was pretty fucking positive she'd be ripping my heart out and stomping the shit out of it.
I knew that wasn't fair. I wasn't the only one going through complete and utter heart fail, and the truth of the matter was that Bella had to muster up a lot of courage to just call me like that. This whole thing had to have been tearing her apart, even more so if she was actually blaming herself, which I hoped like hell she wasn't. Seriously, who the fuck could have seen this coming?
After a lot of soul-searching, I finally decided to step up and return her phone call. Our conversation would be happening regardless of the timing, so why not get it over with? The sooner she confessed the words that would break me, the sooner I could figure out a way to survive this shit.
I was numb and my hands were shaking as I reached for my phone, my mouth suddenly so dry I could barely swallow as I began to dial her number.
And then there was a knock at the door.
My bravery flew out the fucking window.
I knew without a doubt that it was her. It could have easily been Jasper, Emmett, or even my pop. But as I stared at that door so hard my eyes burned, I knew it was the girl I had a slumber party with on my bedroom floor. It was the girl who called me out on my bullshit and laughed at me when I called my dick a manaconda and held onto me so fucking tightly while everything in my life was falling apart. It was the girl I loved with my entire fucking heart…and she was here to shatter mine.
Even then, as I walked to the door and accepted that everything was ending, all I could think about was how fucking amazing it was that I could admit my love for her. Now that I knew how I felt, loving Bella Swan was the easiest, purest thing I had ever done. I smiled even as my emotions threatened to break me down, because even though this was going to hurt like a motherfucker, it still didn't change the fact that, in the end, Bella was going to be happy.
I had to take solace in that fact.
I had a hard time releasing the deadbolt, my hands clammy and shaking as I fought to get the door open. With a deep breath I turned the door knob, but I was nowhere near prepared for the sight that was waiting for me on the other side. I immediately felt like such a fucking prick. Here I was internally going on about my heartache, when Bella was standing before me looking indescribably crushed. There were dark circles under her eyes, and she seemed so frail that it looked like the slightest breeze could knock her over.
The dark brown of her eyes were surrounded by red as they briefly met mine and darted away. "Hi, Edward," she murmured brokenly.
I swallowed thickly, her pain slowly infiltrating every inch of my body and becoming my own. Seeing her hurting like this only exacerbated the misery of this moment. I wanted to pull her into my arms but knew that it would only further complicate what she had come here to do. Instead I held the door wide open and quietly invited her in.
Taylor immediately came up to her as I shut the door behind us, jumping up and licking her cheek as Bella bent down to pet her. Taylor was insistent on showing Bella affection, not getting down until I verbally told her to go to her room. She pushed her head against my shin lovingly before leaving Bella and I alone in the thick silence of the room.
"Sit down," I croaked, gesturing in the direction of the couch as I began walking toward the kitchen. I didn't even bother asking her if she wanted anything to drink, just grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge and handed one to her, taking a seat in the recliner next to the couch.
We were both silent for a long time, not knowing what to say or how to begin this conversation. Finally I spoke…and instantly regretted it. "How's my dad?"
I winced as soon as the words were out of my mouth, knowing they sounded harsh and totally not the way in which I intended them. Bella flinched as if I'd wounded her, her hands shaking as she began wringing them nervously. "I…I uh, don't know. I haven't talked to him since…" she trailed off, not able to put what had happened yesterday into words.
"Okay." I nodded my head, squeezing my water bottle so tight I thought it would burst in my hands. "How are you, then?"
She shook her head, tears welling up rapidly in her eyes. "I'm…so sorry Edward. I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea, you have to believe me, I had no idea that you and Carlisle were father and son! The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you." She was sobbing now, so brutally that she could barely breathe.
In an instant I stood from my chair and sat next to her on the couch, careful not to touch her as I retrieved her water from the coffee table and removed the cover. "Hey…" I soothed, fighting every instinct I had to take her in my arms. "Take a drink, just breathe." I waited until she caught her breath and took several gulps before I continued. "You need to stop apologizing for something that was out of your control. You never would have knowingly dated both of us, Bella. You're just not that type of person, and I know that. Even when I was freaking out and let myself briefly entertain the idea…I never believed it for a second, not really."
"I'm sorry I just showed up like this," she whispered, staring at her lap as she trembled beside me. "I just…it was important that I talk to you before him…before…Carlisle. I don't deserve forgiveness from either one of you, and I'm not asking for it, but I just had to tell you how sorry I am for doing this to you."
"Why did you want to talk to me before him?" I questioned softly, staring at the floor beneath me.
"Does it matter?"
I didn't have an answer for her. Instead I let the silence wash over us once more. I'd remained more calm than I ever expected, but I felt everything rising to the surface, and I needed to just fucking vent. Without making eye contact I took her trembling hand with my own, linking our fingers and squeezing as I pushed my other palm against my forehead. "I'm not mad at you, Bella. I don't blame you, I don't resent you, and I sure as hell don't want your apologies when you have nothing to be sorry for. Seeing you this upset is fucking killing me, but I've got so much to say and nowhere to go with it. I don't want to hurt you even further, but there are questions I need answers to before I can even start to process what's happened to us, okay?"
I glanced at her out of the corner of my eyes and saw her nod, her hand squeezing mine so tightly that my fingers began to ache from her force. "Please, baby…shit, I'm sorry. Bella, can you just, maybe start from the beginning? Help me understand."
I suppressed my need to spew out every word that was on the tip of my tongue as I sat back and listened to her tell me how we had gotten from there to here.
She recounted our one night stand, how much she needed me that night, and the freedom I gave her by offering her exactly what she needed at that point in her life. Even though she continued to think about me after we parted ways, she reasoned with herself that our encounter had been a one time thing, and soon moved on from it, or so she thought. Soon after, Alice bought a cake that caused her to have an allergic reaction, and there entered my pop when she'd been taken to the ER. Afterward, what started out as a business meeting over his practice's website quickly turned into a date.
She faltered in her explanation when Carlisle was brought up, and I quickly encouraged her to continue.
She told me that not very long after she'd begun casually dating…him…she had run into me at the park, and even though I was acting like a cocky asshole, she couldn't deny the fact that she'd still thought about me from time to time. She agreed to see me again, and after our amazing date, she soon found herself in the predicament that would ultimately lead us to total destruction.
We were all innocent pawns in a game that was doomed from the fucking start.
When I didn't speak for the longest time, panic and fear seemed to quickly overtake Bella as she began speaking brokenly between her tears. "Edward, I'm so sorry that this happened, but I'll never regret meeting you, or coming to know you the way I do. You're so important to me, and even though you have every right to hate me right now, just know that I'll always cherish the time we've spent together."
I couldn't speak, my knee bobbing frantically as I processed her words and tried to figure out what the hell I would say now that everything was out in the open.
Bella sniffed and wiped at her eyes, releasing my hand. "I'll go now…I'm so sorry, Edward."
She began to stand and I held my hand out to stop her, gripping my hair tightly in the other. "Just stop, Bella. Just…stop."
I sighed heavily, standing from the couch and pacing in front of her as I struggled to organize my thoughts. And then I just let them go.
"This is all such bullshit, you know? I mean, do you have any idea how significantly you've changed me? I don't even understand why you gave me the time of day to begin with, Bella, because I was such a fucking douche when we first met. I'm not saying I'm not a douche anymore, but I know that I'm better, and I know that's because of you. And then because of some ridiculous cosmic fuck-up, you end up dating my fucking dad at the same time as me. My pop, my best fucking friend…and the real kicker is, I don't give a shit about what it's doing to me. All I've been able to think about is what you're going through and how you're handling it. Because you're all I ever think about. I mean, I can't even remember my life before you, except for the fact that it was empty and definitely not as glamorous as I made it out to be. I went from hiding my emotions from everyone to realizing that I am completely and irrevocably in love with you, Bella. I'm so fucking in love with you it's hard for me to breathe sometimes, and now I have to come to terms with you and my pop being together? How can I do that? Don't get me wrong, I'm going to find a way to fucking do it, because even though this is killing me, just knowing that he'll make you happy is enough of a reason for me to endure it. It's like…my happiness depends on yours, whether I'm with you or not. Fuck, I get it Bella…he'll be so good for you, trust me, I get that, but I was so fucking positive that you were it for me…"
I took a deep breath, not able to look at her as I confessed what was left of my soul. I was positive that I came off like some kind of bumbling fucking idiot, but I had so much shit to say, and all of it was impatient to leave my mouth.
"Edward…"
I held my hand up before dragging it through my hair, beginning to pace the length of the room once more. Unfortunately for her, I wasn't even close to being done.
"Just let me finish, Bella. What I'm trying to say is, it's gonna take me a long time to get used to the idea of you and Carlisle. I'm sure I'll have a breakdown or ten before I can reach a point where I'll be happy for you two. It's not much, but it's all I can offer for now. I'm trying to think positively, you know? Like, I should be really thankful that even though we're not ending up together, my pop will treat you like the goddess you are. I am incredibly thankful for that, Bella, even though it's probably hard to believe. The last thing I want is for you to get saddled with another pickle-dick motherfucker who doesn't know how to treat you right. Everything's just so fucked up right now and I'm trying to be all noble and stand-up about this shit, but its really fucking hard. And I'm sorry it has to be this way, but until I can think about you and Carlisle together and not go homicidal, I'm gonna need my space from you both. Please tell me you understand that…"
I finally chanced a look at Bella, her mouth hanging open and her eyes crunched up in absolute confusion. Tears still lingered there, but they weren't falling down her cheeks, so at least that was something. "Edward, that was a lot of information to absorb in a very short amount of time, but…hang on, you want me to be with Carlisle?"
I scoffed, taking a few steps closer to her. "Of course I don't! Bella, I want to lock that fucking door and keep you in here with me forever! And yeah that's intense and fucked up and probably illegal in several states but Christ, I don't want you with anyone but me! My point is that, if being with Carlisle is what makes you happy, then I'm not going to stand in the way of that."
She stood from the couch and walked toward me until we were nearly chest to chest, her trembling hand reaching out to cup my cheek. "You need to let me talk now, okay?"
I swallowed thickly and nodded, leaning into her touch as my eyes drifted closed. She waited before I opened them again to continue. "Moving to Miami was the best decision I've ever made. I've found a home here, and I've met the most amazing people. Being with you the first night we met…it was exactly what I needed. You were exactly what I needed, Edward. And Carlisle…he was the calm in my life when everything else was totally chaotic. You both saved me in very different ways, and I don't know how I can repay either one of you for that. And as much as it means to me that you're standing here in front of me, telling me you'll accept me being with your father, you need to realize that you can't just assume what I want. You can't decide what I feel, Edward, that's not up to you."
"I wasn't trying to do that Bella…"
She shook her head, silently asking me to let her finish, letting her hand fall from my face to my chest…over the heart that was so fragile beneath her fingers. "I started dating both of you because you offered me so much in two very separate ways; it was the most selfish thing I've ever done. And you don't need me to explain to you how incredible Carlisle is. Everything he said, every move he made, was perfect."
I winced, taking a step backward as my stomach plummeted. "Bella, I can't listen to this now, please…"
She stepped closer, smiling slightly through her tears as she shook her head. "No, you need to hear this. I care about you both, so very much, but in completely different ways. What you and I have, it's not anything you'd find in some generic romantic comedy, Edward. I wasn't instantly in love with you from the moment you tried to pick me up, but it was that initial spark that made you stick with me. And then, for every moment you opened up to me, for every moment you dropped that damn playboy act and just let me see you…I realized that you were the most amazing person I'd ever met. And now you're telling me you're in love with me but you're ready to give me up so I can be with Carlisle?" She threw her arms around my neck and gazed deeply into my eyes before she continued. "Don't you realize how ass-backwards that is?"
"He's a better person than me, Bella," I murmured brokenly.
"He's a better person than me, too, Edward…but he's not the right person for me."
I tentatively rested my hands on her hips, hanging on every breath that escaped her lips as she stared up at me. "Who is the right person for you, baby?"
She rested the top of her head against my chest and released a strangled sob, her emotions rendering her unable to speak as we held on tightly to one another with our bodies barely touching. When she looked back up at me, I was pretty fucking sure I saw forever in those deep brown eyes, only now, I wasn't scared of it. Not one goddamn bit.
"You carried me through the park because my feet hurt. You sang Baby Got Back to me just to see me smile. You constantly make me laugh so hard, I cry. When you give me those perfect, tiny glimpses into your soul, I feel so connected to you that it takes my breath away. You drive me so crazy with your cocky asshole tendencies that I don't know whether I want to slap you or jump you….but what I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, is that I've never felt more alive than when I'm with you. And I know that with every second you've spent showing me who you really are, I've fallen even deeper in love with you. You light up my whole world, Edward. I didn't come here to beg you to be with me, but I knew that if I didn't tell you the truth, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. You asked me why I had to see you first? It's because you've always been first, in every thought, in every decision I've made since the day I met you, it's always been you."
I gaped at her for the longest time, trying to convince myself that the words coming out of her mouth were actually real and not something I had conjured up in my unraveling mind. "You love me?" My voice was raspy with emotion and a whole lot of self-doubt as I stared down at her.
She released her hands from around my neck and slid them down my arms until our fingers were linked at her sides. "I love you…and I think the reason it took me so long to realize it was because I was afraid of feeling so strongly for you. You've admitted to me that I'm the first girl you've ever wanted more than a hook-up with…falling for you could have potentially been nothing but heartache for me if you had decided that you couldn't get on board with this relationship thing. Carlisle…he could have offered me everything I didn't know I was looking for. Commitment, a relationship, stability…but I didn't want that from him, Edward. I only wanted it with you, and the fact that you more than likely weren't willing to offer me that terrified me. So in turn I suppressed my feelings for you and tried to feel something more for Carlisle. This entire time I've done nothing but deny my true feelings and act on certain things because it was what I should be doing. My need to protect my heart from getting broken again put us all in this incredibly painful situation, so don't tell me this isn't my fault, Edward. I'm responsible for all of this."
"No," I murmured, sliding my fingers beneath her hair until they curled around the back of her neck gently. "You protected yourself because you got screwed over by your ex. You protected yourself because you felt something more for a pervy douche who was too afraid to admit to himself that the monogamies weren't a disease at all, but something he avoided out of pure fear of never being able to find a love like that."
"By lying to myself this entire time, I've created this."
I slid my thumb along her throat, my jaw clenching because I was just so sick of hearing her bag on herself over and over again. "Baby, we can talk about what's happened in the past until we're blue in the face, and it won't change a fucking thing. I don't give a shit whose fault it was, how we got here, and all the other bullshit that put us in this position. But what I need to know, right now, is what you want to take from this. Tell me what you want from me when this is all said and done."
"I don't expect anything from you, especially forgiveness. I just needed to apologize for everything I've -"
"No," I interrupted, grabbing her hand and pulling until we were both seated on the couch. "Bella I'm not talking about expectations, and I don't want to hear that you're sorry or that you're a shitty human being because of what happened. I need to know what you want. Tell me what's going to make you happy, and Christ, whatever it is, isn't it worth fighting for? You wanted to break free from the walls you built up for your self-preservation? Then do it, Bella! Tell me what you want…"
Before the full sentence was out of my mouth she was on me, straddling my thighs and pulling my hair so tightly in her fists that it made my eyes water. She stared fiercely at me with intense emotion, her bottom lip quivering as the tears rolled down her cheeks. "I want you. I want you to tell me that we can somehow make this work, that you want me just as much, that you love me and that I'm enough for you! I want you to tell me that us being together won't ruin your relationship with your father, because I won't be able to live with myself if I'm responsible for that. I want to know what it feels like to have you make love to me, because I'm convinced that it would be so beautiful, I'd barely be able to survive it. I want to spend my life with you, Edward, and it scares me to go out there on a limb and say that, but I'm sick of all these fucking secrets. It's you…that's the only thing I'll ever want."
Tears stung my eyes and I refused to be embarrassed over showing this level of emotion, because this fucking moment was everything to me…just everything. I sat up and wrapped my arms around her waist, crushing our chests together as our lips hovered mere centimeters from one another. I closed my eyes and released a staggering breath, my heart beating a mile a minute as I held her so tightly I feared she would break. "I don't just want you, Bella…I need you, I thrive on you. I don't even fucking exist without you…and you've always been enough, you're more than I've ever deserved to find. You want me to tell you that I love you? I swear to Christ I'll never stop saying it, baby, because I love you so much it scares me in the most amazing, perfect way. My pop and I…we have this bond so solid that I'm pretty positive there isn't a force in this world that can break it. It kills me that he's hurting right now, but I also know that he'll do anything to see me happy, including standing aside so we can be together. I feel guilty for relying on that when I know it's tearing him up, but I refuse to let him go, Bella, not when I've gone most of my life without him. It's going to be fucked up and awkward for awhile, but I won't lose Carlisle, and I sure as hell won't lose you…"
She pressed her forehead firmly against mine, the wetness of her cheeks covering my own as we breathed each other's air in the confined space between us. "Promise me," she whispered heavily. "Promise me this will all work out."
I leaned back a bit so I could properly look her in the eyes, brushing her tears away with my thumbs as I smiled softly at her. "I promise, baby. And for the record, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to me wanting more with you. I'm sure I'll still fuck up on the regular, but I want you to be mine, just mine…because since the first night I met you, I've only ever been yours."
She didn't hesitate for a second as she pressed her lips to mine, kissing me chastely and softly as she took my bottom lip between hers. I moaned quietly as I pulled her closer, my hands running firmly up and down her back as I showed her with my kiss just how much I fucking adored her. We finally broke away to catch our breaths, Bella's arms flying around my neck as we hugged each other so incredibly tight. Her lips were warm and wet as they rested against my ear, kissing me softly before she spoke. "I love you, Edward. I know you're going to make mistakes, and so am I, but none of it matters. We'll figure it out together, okay?"
My chest constricted violently as a wave of emotion hit me, and I groaned as I pulled her closer. "It's you and me Bella…from here on out, tell me."
She buried her fingers in my hair, bringing her hips tighter against mine until she came into direct contact with my hardening dick. "It's just us, Edward, together, I promise."
"Where do we go from here, Bella? I kissed her again, unable to keep my hands off of her body as relief and love and happiness mixed in with a heavy dose of guilt and burden. Apparently there was still a dirty-perv left inside me somewhere, since I was simultaneously attempting to feel up my girl while harboring so much guilt over hurting my pop.
Her eyes clouded over as her lips twisted in distress. "I still need to talk to Carlisle, he deserves the truth."
I took her face in my hands, my thumbs sliding slowly along her cheekbones as I stared intently into her eyes. "Yeah, I know he does, baby. We'll make sure you get there…but you can't leave me right now. I'm freaking out because I feel like I'm gonna cry and spazz out and throw up because I love you so much, and it turns out that you love me too. If you walk out that door, I don't know what that will reduce me to…so I need you to stay with me, Bella, please just stay with me…"
The air seemed to thicken between us as I slowly slid my hands down her back and along her thighs, pulling her marginally closer as her breathing hitched. "Do you really think I could leave you right now? You don't know how long I've waited to be here, just like this, with you."
I closed my eyes and let our lips move together as I spoke against them. "I want to be closer to you, Bella. This isn't about sex, I just…fuck, I need you closer, baby." My hands trembled at her sides as I gripped her shirt tightly, feeling as if I would crawl out of my skin until I could feel all of her pressed against me.
She kissed my lips and then my forehead before standing from her perch on my lap, holding her hand out to me and smiling gently. "Come on playboy, show me what you've got."
I stood up quickly, wrapping my arms around her ass and lifting her up as she squealed. I smiled widely at her as she rested her elbows against my shoulders. Her chest was gloriously right in front of my face and yet I couldn't take my eyes away from hers as I held her there in the middle of the living room. "I'm not a playboy anymore…I'm your man. Just yours."
"My man…" she whispered softly, kissing me slowly as I carefully slid her down my body.
I leisurely walked her backwards in the direction of my room, gazing into tired eyes that were now shining so brightly for me. "If you'll let me," I murmured, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes, "I'm going to show you right now, what it feels like when we make love to each other. And then I'll do it again…and again…"
She jumped into my arms and buried her face in my neck, kissing me gently there as she pressed her body tightly to mine. "Take me faster."
"Okay, baby," I whispered, smiling so brightly my face ached as I carried her to my room.
When the door was closed behind us I gently laid her down on my bed, hovering above her on all-fours as I gazed down at her. "This feels different," I murmured.
"Tell me how," she requested, slipping her hands beneath my t-shirt and running them up and down my bare chest.
"Whenever I tried to get you here before, well it was going to mean a lot to me, obviously, but now…now it means everything. Before I was excited at the prospect of getting some play and spending time with you but now, I just want to experience what we can be together when there's nothing standing in our way."
"Are you sure you don't just want a piece?" she teased, yanking my t-shirt over my head and pulling me down on top of her.
I rested my forearms on either side of her head once more, absently brushing random strands of hair away from her forehead as I smiled. "I don't just want a piece of you, Isabella…I want every single part of you. Besides, I'm pretty certain I can show you just how much I love you while simultaneously blowing your mind. What do you think?" I smiled at her crookedly and she rolled her eyes, dragging her nails soothingly up and down my back as she kissed me.
"I think I love you, cocky asshole and all."
Our playful mood quickly turned serious as our smiles fell, the intensity of the moment sliding back over us as we gazed into each other's eyes. "Lean up, baby," I whispered, pulling her shirt off of her body as she did so.
I wasted no time in removing her bra, needing to feel our bare chests pressed tightly together as our gentle kisses quickly turned heated. It was almost hard to believe how perfectly we were made for one another. Our bodies were molded to fit together, our kisses had this amazing ebb and flow to them that I'd never experienced with another before, even if they were meaningless flings. I loved it when she was proud of me, I loved it when she got aggravated with me because she was just so fucking cute when she was mad, and I couldn't stop thinking about how anxious I was to start this journey with her into the unknown. I knew it wouldn't be sunshine and daisies all the time…and that's what made it so much fucking better.
We moaned into each other's mouths as my hands slid up her sides, my fingers gliding between our pressed bodies until they could find her pert nipples, alert and begging for my attention. "God, Bella," I groaned, breathing raggedly against her skin as I circled her nipples firmly with my thumbs. "I want to take my time with you, but it's too much." I pressed my forehead against hers and sighed, seeking out her guidance as her body arched frantically into mine. "Tell me what to do, baby, it's too much…"
"Look at me," she whispered, waiting until I met her eyes before continuing. "We've got all the time in the world, now take these off." Her lips quirked up into a smile as she tugged at the waistband of my sweatpants. I lifted up off of her, shaking my head as I stilled her eager hands.
"No, you first."
I unbuttoned her jeans and hooked my fingers beneath them and her underwear, pulling them off as quickly as possible until she was completely naked beneath me. I was frozen to the spot. It had been so long since I'd seen her like this, and even then it was in a dark room in the middle of the night. My memory didn't do her one single iota of justice. Jesus Christ, my girl was breathtaking. I wasn't able to pull myself out of her trance until I felt her warm hand dip beneath the waistband of my sweatpants, cupping my aching cock in her palm over my boxers.
"I thought that might bring you back," she murmured quietly, a wry smile on her face.
I sucked in a deep breath as she stroked me, leaning down to run my tongue along her bottom lip thickly before tangling it with her own. Everything grew frantic and my hands demanded to be everywhere on her body, which they were. They started at her shoulders and worked their way down every fucking inch of gloriously smooth skin. My eyes never left hers as I dragged two fingers past her belly button and between her legs, both of us gasping for air as we gave each other a little taste of what was to come.
My girl was so wet for me, her little mewls of pleasure rendering me completely fucking brain-dead as she abandoned my throbbing cock for the waistband of my boxers, pulling everything off of me as quickly as she could. Once we were completely relieved of all our clothing, I couldn't help but look down and take in the marvel that was Bella and I, naked together. Holy shit, nothing fucking looked hotter…or more meant to be. Now that I truly and officially had Bella as my own, I had no idea how I'd lasted this long without her.
"Come down here, please."
Her quiet plea pulled me out of my thoughts, and I vowed to stop getting lost in my head when everything I'd ever wanted was lying beneath me, wanting me, loving me…my God, did I truly deserve to feel this good?
I moved above her, grabbing a pillow that was haphazardly thrown on the bed and sliding it beneath her ass, for a multitude of reasons. Comfort, pleasure, angle…I was nothing if not thorough when it came to the biggest moment of my life. When I finally settled down on top of her body and felt all of us pressed together, my eyes quite literally rolled back into my head. "Holy shit, Bella," I gasped, our mouths instantly finding each other as every swirl of her hot tongue sent an instant jolt of pleasure to my cock.
My shaft was resting gloriously against her wet heat, and I was unable to stop myself from slowly gyrating my hips against hers. Bella cursed in a breathless whimper as she clung to my back, pressing herself firmly against my dick. "Edward -"
"Don't worry," I panted, reaching down to circle her nipple with my tongue before sucking it into my mouth. "I'm sterile. Old foosball accident. Trust me, baby, watch where you stand when you play that game. Shit can get real very fast."
She laughed breathlessly, slapping my ass as she rolled her eyes. "Edward Masen, you're making jokes now? Are you serious with this? I'm ready to combust any second and you're poking fun!"
She covered my mouth with her hand just as I was about to make a comment about her choice of words. I loved that she knew me so well, and I loved it even more that she wanted to be with me regardless.
"Don't even say it," she smirked, removing her hand from my mouth and linking our fingers together. "I'm on the birth control shot so…I'm good if you are. And I really hope you are because I don't want anything standing in our way, Edward, not anymore."
I untangled our fingers and brought her hand to my lips, kissing it repeatedly as I smiled down at her. "You're going to let me have you like this, baby? You trust me?"
"I've always trusted you, Edward," she breathed.
I slid my hands beneath her back and brought her closer to me, placing gentle kisses all over her face before our lips slowly began moving together. "You feel like Heaven, so warm and wet for me. I love you so much, Bella," I panted, sliding my hand between us to grip the base of my cock and align it with her perfectly.
"I love you too, Edward," she whispered, tears beginning to build in her eyes once more as she trembled from the intensity of the moment. "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it."
"Hey…" I ran my fingertips along her cheek and kissed her sweetly, pulling back to look into her eyes once more. "No more apologies, Bella. No regrets…right?"
She nodded shakily, smiling through her tears as we held each other for dear life. I watched her intently as I slowly slid inside her, skin against skin for the first time in my life. Nothing compared. She was…fuck, she was my paradise. This girl alone gave me more than money and prep schools ever could. This girl made up for a shoddy childhood and an incredibly low feeling of self-worth. This girl fucking made me who I was, and as I made love to her, as I whispered my love against her lips and cried it out in pleasure, I just knew…
She was worth every bit of heartache, every ounce of tension between my pop and I and every empty trick I'd bedded because I thought it was what I'd wanted.
Now I knew what the meaning was. Bella was the meaning, and I was never going to fucking let her go.
She cried my name like it meant the whole fucking world to her as I slid her ass further up on the pillow and deepened my thrusts inside her. Her fingers pushed into my skin like they never wanted to let go, and believe me, I never wanted her to either.
As the afternoon sun turned a darker shade of orange, I continued to watch her through hooded eyes, panting and moaning as beads of sweat fell from my body and onto hers. As we gave ourselves to each other for what was essentially the first time, we communicated through the touch of our bodies and the connection of our eyes. We had talked so much in the first hour she was at my apartment that there was truly nothing left to say with words. But like this, my God, we could talk forever like this.
It pained me to blink. It fucking hurt to stop looking into those perfect eyes for even a second because I was ravenous for the adoration I saw there. Tears were brimming along her lashes and I leaned forward to kiss her eyelids, cradling her face in my hands as I soothed her. "Please don't cry, baby," I whispered, pushing in and out of her achingly, maddeningly slow.
"I'm just happy," she promised, kissing me until we were both breathless as she pulled me down farther on top of her. "I just…when I came here today, I never dreamed that you'd want me too. Not after this, and now we're here together, and I just…I've never been more grateful for anything in my life."
"Fuck, come here, Bella," I murmured frantically, quickly repositioning us so I could get her closer. It was like hell leaving her body, but it was a sacrifice I was briefly willing to make.
I sat up and rested on one hand against the mattress as she hovered above my lap, facing me. She grabbed my cock between us and slowly slid back down onto me, wrapping her legs around my waist once she was settled.
"Jesus Christ," I whimpered, resting my full weight on the arm that supported me while wrapping the other firmly around her waist. She was so close to me like this, my cock deep inside her and so much of our skin sliding together that I could barely comprehend this level of pleasure.
We moved frantically together, Bella doing nothing but sliding back and forth on top of me rather than lifting herself and separating our bodies when neither one of us would have been able to stand it.
"I love you," I whispered thickly, feeling overwhelmed with my impending orgasm and the heavy but very welcomed emotions that were spiraling throughout my body. "Bella…baby, tell me, I need to hear it, please…"
"Oh God, I love you too, Edward. I love you, I'm so close…"
I wrapped one arm around her hip and slid the other down to where we were connected, dragging my thumb along her clit in heavy circles as she began clenching down gloriously tight on my cock. "Let me come inside you," I moaned, pushing my hips up rapidly to meet hers.
"Yes, I want it…"
She was so close, her entire body trembling violently as she continued to thrust her hips hard against my own. I moved my thumb faster against her clit, my motions causing a steady vibration against her swollen skin until she screamed, her mouth falling open silently afterwards as she stilled on top of me. I crushed her against me, crying out loudly as she slid jerkily back and forth on my cock while her orgasm jolted through her body.
I let her ride it out and could no longer hold back, gripping her so firmly I knew I was leaving marks as I pumped viciously into her, my groans deep and short until I exploded inside her, crying out loudly as I held her firmly against my body and pulsed inside her.
Holy fuck. Holy fucking fuck.
I fell backwards in a heap, bringing my girl down with me until she landed with a slap against my chest. Everything was numb. I was pretty fucking convinced I didn't have legs as I laid there like a lump of nothing. The only parts of my body I could feel were the parts that Bella was touching, and that fact alone made me pretty fucking delirious with joy.
My hand ran gently up and down her spine as she shuddered above me, aftershocks of her climax still running through her body. I was right there with her, every nerve-ending was on end as I shook beneath her. "You okay, baby?" I whispered breathlessly, leaning up to press a kiss to the top of her head.
"I'm so good," she groaned, kissing my chest as her hand slid leisurely up and down my sweaty stomach.
"Hell yeah you are." I ran a hand through my hair and sighed heavily, enjoying our post-coital glow more than anything else in this world. And there we were, together, finally fucking together…
…like we were always supposed to be.
-x-x-x-
Several hours later, Bella was perched on my stomach in nothing but my ratty old t-shirt, feeding me lo-mein noodles one by one. It really sucked because I was so fucking hungry I could have eaten a house, but with my hands on her thighs and her cute little smirk as she fed me, I was really in no position to complain.
It had been almost unbearable for me to answer the door for the delivery guy, so I didn't know how she was even remaining in the upright position at this point. I literally couldn't move a fucking inch after the workout we'd given each other - repeatedly. I couldn't stay off of her and she refused to stop me…hell, I'd given my girl so many orgasms I'd lost count; I was pretty sure Bella couldn't even count at all anymore, given how thoroughly I blew her mind.
"Are you going to work tomorrow?" Bella smiled down at me, feeding me a noodle before I took the Chinese box out of her hand and set it to the side.
I pulled her down until we were chest to chest, feeling my own eyes sparkle into hers as I gazed at her with everything I had swirling around in my overactive heart. "I probably should, I haven't exactly been the employee of the year lately. What about you?"
"Yeah, I've got a lot of catching up to do." She kissed me slowly, deepening it and grinding against me when it really started to heat up. Sadly, my manaconda was crying out for help, officially ready to boycott any more sex until I gave him a much needed break. I was clearly out of practice when it came to laying it down repeatedly and often, but luckily I hoped to remedy that in the very immediate future.
"It's getting dark," I whispered, glancing toward the window and back to her with a serious expression on my face.
"Yeah." She chewed on her lip as she stared down at my chest, seeming to lose herself to thoughts of what we both knew was coming.
"Hey…I love you," I breathed against her forehead, kissing her there as I wrapped my arms around her waist.
She met my eyes and smiled sadly.
"I'll come with you, baby. I don't want you to have to go through this alone."
She shook her head, kissing me once more before sitting up. "You know I've got to do this on my own, Edward."
"Is there anything I can do, Bella? I can't handle seeing this." I traced her swollen bottom lip that was cast downward in a heartbreaking frown.
"Yeah, shower with me…and hold me until I have to go."
Wordlessly I took her hand, both of us climbing off the bed and walking to the bathroom. It was impossible for me to take my eyes from her, the emotion of everything we'd just experienced together not lessening at all between us. We slowly took off the few items of clothing that remained on our bodies and I turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature of the spray until it was just right.
We didn't speak as we washed each other, never taking it down a sexual route; it was more worshipful than anything. I was mesmerized as I watched my hands slide smoothly along her soapy, wet skin. I belonged to her…I had never felt like this in my life and it was wrecking me in the best possible way. After we were clean we both stood beneath the spray for several minutes, hugging each other so tightly until we were both letting out shuddering sighs. She fucking meant everything to me, and I told her so, there in the perfect confines of a shower that was very quickly starting to define my life in a huge fucking way.
When we finally pulled ourselves from the water, we dried each other off and walked into my room. I slid on a pair of jeans and perched on the edge of the bed, watching her intently as she put her clothes back on.
"Come back to me?" I asked her, my voice cracking on the last word.
She looked as if my words broke her heart as she pulled on her shoes, walking quickly toward me until she was in my lap once more. "I'll always come back to you," she murmured fiercely, her eyes confirming her words as she stared intently at me.
"Bella…"
I couldn't finish, because it was just more than I could fucking handle.
She knew it, too…holding me tightly and whispering everything I needed to hear in that moment. She loved me. Over and over again, she promised that she loved me, until suddenly I was capable of breathing again.
This love thing was just so fucking intense.
We walked to the front door hand in hand, stopping in front of it as she stood on her tip-toes and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Sleep next to me tonight," I whispered, placing kisses down the column of her neck.
"I need clothes," she giggled quietly.
"You don't," I smirked, my smile growing wider. "I promise you don't, just come back. Please Bella…come back to me tonight."
"Hmmm…" she tapped her lip playfully, pretending to mull over her reply.
"I have a lot to offer, baby, seriously."
"Like what?"
"Well, for instance, Baby Got Back is not the only pop culture rap song of the 90's I know."
"Ooh, that is intriguing, tell me more," she purred.
I rested my cheek against hers and kissed her ear, smiling as I began to give her an example of my talents in the smoothest voice I could muster. "Way deep down south where we play this game, it's them Quad City DJ's and you, we call it the train…come on ride the train, and ride it, woo woo…"
Bella began laughing hysterically, pushing me away by the chest and calling me a dork. Her eyes were crinkling because she was smiling so widely, and I was pretty sure my heart was gonna leap right out of my fucking chest. "What? You like it," I smirked.
"Edward, no one's going to want to ride your train if you sing that song, trust me," she giggled.
I pulled her closer by the hips, rolling my eyes. "Michelle, Tamika and Tanya wanna ride this train, baby! It's in the lyrics, so don't even!"
She laughed so hard that tears began forming in her eyes. "You are certainly something special, Edward Masen," she sighed, wrapping her arms around me once more.
"You love me?" I asked deeply, the sincerity of my question quickly breaking through the playfulness of the moment.
She sighed deeply, so deeply before giving me a quiet response. "You have no idea how much."
"Come back to me…"
"As soon as I can," she whispered, kissing me slowly.
"It'll be okay. He'll be okay, baby, we all will be."
"I know," she whispered sadly.
"I'll be here, Bella. I'll always be here, if you need me."
"I'll be back tonight."
I kissed her deeply, pushing her up against the door and wrapping my whole body around her. "Drive safe, I love you."
I eventually opened the door and stepped out with her into the hallway, giving her one more kiss and watching her longingly as she walked away. I didn't move from my spot until she was on the elevator, making sure that motherfucker James wasn't stupid enough to fuck with my girl.
As she disappeared from my sight, my chest twisted in pain from letting her go after everything we'd just experienced. But then I remembered that from here on out, whenever I had to watch her walk away, she would always be walking back to me again.
And that was all I could ever ask for.
-x-x-x-
A/N:
Kate: Hey twin, guess what? I've got a dirty little secret too!
Brits: ?
Kate: There's an ALTERNATE ENDING on my profile: http:/www (DOT) fanfiction (DOT) net/s/5685389/16/Dirty_Little_Secrets
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…(epi to follow)