Here is the next chapter. I do not own Big time Rush or the song Cold by Corinna Fugate who is now known as Rose Mercury. Enjoy.
I sat on the bathroom tile with blood dripping from the open wound on my wrist. I pressed my back harder on the wall when my salty tears dropped on the cut. It is two in the morning and I don't even know why I am in here. One minute I'm lying awake on my bed the next I'm in here slicing away at my flesh. I looked down at the blood covered blade and suddenly felt a strong hatred for it. I hurled it across the room, and lay back on the floor. At the moment I didn't care that I was getting covered in blood or that at any given moment someone could walk through the door and see me this way. The tears were still cascading down my face as I looked up. I can't go on like this. It has to stop. I stood up and locked the door, then bent down and retrieved the razor. I washed it off and put it back where it belonged. After wiping up the blood, I turned on the shower. Instead of turning the dial to warm, I turned it to ice cold. If I couldn't have real rain to soothe me, I would make my own. I slipped off all my clothes and stepped in the icy water. My breath left me as the water hit me. The water stung my bare body, but I didn't get out. I let the water take me over.
By the time I got out, I couldn't feel most of my body. I dried myself off and redressed in my clothes. I then tied a strip of gauze back around my cuts. I looked in the mirror. My skin was pale and I was still slightly shivering from the water. My eyes looked completely dead. I sighed. I looked around and checked to see if I missed any blood. I didn't. I turned out the light and walked out back to my room. I sat on my bed and slowly laid back. I stared at the ceiling and waiting patiently for sleep to come, but it never did. I was awake the rest of the night just staring out into oblivion.
The only noises heard from the room that night was the soft snores from a boy lost in dreams and the muffled sobs from a heart broken, self injuring child whose life was in shambles.
He watched silently as the grey skies changed to those of bright reds, yellows, and oranges. The world could change a million times, but he would always be the same. Just as the sun rose every morning, he would too.
I was startled by the sudden movements from the other side of the room. Carlos sat up and yawned looking over at me. I feigned being asleep so he wouldn't wonder why I was up so early. I heard him walk over to my bed and then he shook me until I sat up.
"Morning," he said cheerfully.
"Morning," I replied yawning. I followed him out of the room and into the kitchen where the guys were waiting. We ate silently and then hurried off to get ready for another long day with Gustavo. My clothes consisted of a dark green t-shirt, black jeans, and black converse.
On our way out Ms. Knight stopped me. She told the other guys to wait for me in the lobby.
"Your parents and brother were in an accident. I guess they were on their way to see you when an incoming truck plowed into their car," she said placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"What hospital are they at. I will visit them after rehearsal," I said with tears in my eyes. I could care less about my parents, but if Cameron doesn't make it I will feel responsible since they were coming to see me.
"They are at Morgan General Hospital," she said almost breaking out in tears as well.
I didn't say anything else, I just walked out silently. I reached the lobby and they asked what happened, but I just said it was nothing and put on a fake smile. They bought it. The day flew by until it was time to see my family. I reached the building and walked in. After finding out Cameron's room number, I rushed into the elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor. I shut my eyes to stop the tears from falling. I opened them when I heard the ding of the doors opening. I walked out and headed down the hall until I found the correct room. Room 185. I walked in and saw my parents in chairs beside his bed. He had a bandage around his head that already and red spots bleeding through. His arm was in a sling, and his leg was elevated. His skin was covered in cuts and he was very pale. The only sign he was alive was the steady beeping from the machine next to him.
"About time you arrived," my mom said harshly not even looking up. She had her arm in a sling as well, but other than that she looked fine. My father had crutches leaning on the chair next to him, and his leg was in a cast. But he looked fine as well. I guess Cameron got the worst of it.
"I'm sorry, rehearsals ran a bit late," I replied looking down.
"Oh my mistake. I didn't know that rehearsals meant more than family did," my dad said sarcastically. He then turned and glared at me.
"This is all your fault," my mom said with tears dripping down her pale skin.
"How is this my fault? It was an accident," I replied.
I felt a hand whip against my cheek. "Don't talk back to your mother, you heartless son of a bitch," he said with venom in his voice. "Now get out."
"But I-."
"No, get out now," he shouted pushing me out. I leaned against the shut door and let the tears fall. I am so weak. I ran my nails down my arms, resulting in small cuts to form. I dried my eyes and walked back to the elevator. I hurried out the door and back to the car. I sped back to the apartment and walked inside. I looked around. Ms. Knight was in the kitchen, but no one else was here.
"Oh you're back. How did it go? Are they alright?" she asked frantically.
I couldn't tell her the truth. "My parents are fine but Cameron is in pretty bad condition. But don't worry, he is expected to completely recover," I said.
"That's a relief. And if you are wondering where the guy are Kendall is with Jo, and Carlos and Logan said something about a new girl," she told me.
I nodded my head and walked to my room, stopping to grab something on the way. I walked into my room and locked the door. I sat on the floor against the wall. I unwrapped the gauze and stared at my wrist. Red lines were scattered on my flesh. I pressed down the blade and watched the blood flow. I can't even feel the pain anymore. It's numb, just like I am. I wept bitterly as I though back to the hospital. If I had been in the same condition as him they would have pulled the plug on me already. They never cared if got hurt, but if Cameron did, the blame went on me and then he would be treated like royalty. It felt like waterfalls were flowing down my cheeks.
Do the guys not realize how much pain I am in? How do they not see it? I thought for a moment and came up with the only possible answer. They never cared for me. It is a reasonable answer. I mean those three have known each other since Pre-K. But me, I met them in fourth grade. I never knew them as long as they knew each other. And even though they say we will always stick together, I know one day they will leave. Like everyone else has.
I sighed and stood up. I hid the razor under my mattress, and wiped up the blood. Then I redid the gauze. I moved to my bed and stared up. I don't feel anymore. I just feel like I'm floating in nothingness. I shut my eyes and was comforted by the blackness.
How can you feel what I'm feeling,
When it's locked inside.
To wear it on my body,
Tells what words cannot describe.
A thin red line tells you
Where the blade has been.
So many secrets,
Hiding beneath my skin.
And it's cold,
Cold,
Cold out of control.
Locked in the bathroom stall,
Leaning against the wall.
I know they're all waiting for me,
So I'll be as quick as I can be.
I see the red but I feel no pain.
Feels like I'm floating, floating away.
And it seems,
I've become my own prey,
And it's cold,
Cold,
Cold out of control.
No pain, no gain, no sane,
No pain, no gain, no sane,
No pain, no.. not today.
Find another way
Ice cube in hand to numb this pain.
And it's cold,
Cold,
Cold out of control.
Cold,
Cold,
Cold, out of control.