I woke up next morning, covered in a sheet of sweat. Since my parents got here my nightmares have gotten worse. They have always haunted me, but this is too much. It has to stop. I turned to my left to see Carlos asleep with the blankets pulled over his head. I looked over to the clock on my right. It was only 4:35. I pulled the covers up to my chin and tried to fall back to sleep, but I couldn't. Suddenly I heard a clap of thunder. A smile spread across my face. I quietly slipped out of bed and walked past Kendall and Logan's room to the living room. By the time I got there, it was pouring. I opened the shade and unlocked the window. I slid it open and stuck my head out. Cool water dripped down my face and I sighed. When the lightning flashed I noticed that if one crawled out the window they could lay on the roof without fear of slipping off. I decided to try it myself. I carefully climbed out the window and stepped onto the roof. Once I had both of my feet securely on the ledge, I sat down and looked out. The rain was pouring really hard now and it would hurt if it didn't feel so good. The view was amazing. You could see into down town even with the hard rain. The rain made a mist that gave the world and eerie glow. When the lightning flashed it looked so much more real out here than it did through a window. The rain just relaxed me. No matter what happens, the rain always falls. I laid back and just let the rain fall and soak my clothes. I closed my eyes for a moment, and sleep consumed me.
I opened my eyes and suddenly realized where I was. I fell asleep on the roof. I sat up and looked around. It stopped raining but my clothes were still soaked. I stood up and crawled through the still open window. I landed on the floor and looked around. Good, no one was up yet. I locked the window and walked to my room. When I entered it I noticed Carlos was sitting on his bed yawning.
"Oh hey, James. Why are you all wet?" he asked tilting his head slightly.
"I took a shower," I replied avoiding eye contact.
"Really? I never heard you get up," he said standing up.
"Uh yeah. Let's get the other guys up. It is time for them to pay for always shaking us awake," I said with an evil smirk.
"Yeah, let's go," Carlos said with a smile creeping across his face.
We crept out of the room and down the hall. When we reached their room we opened the door slowly and walked over to them. Carlos went over to Logan's bed and I went to Kendall's.
I leaned in close to his ear. "Wake up!" I yelled. He jolted up and smacked me with his pillow. Carlos wasn't so lucky. He got hit in the head and pushed into a wall. When Logan get's woken up early it's not pretty. After a short fight between Logan and Carlos we got ready for a day filled with swimming, lobby hockey, and pranking Bitters. The three of them headed down to the pool, but I wanted to finish my hair before I joined them. It took about ten minutes, but I was ready. I walked to the door, but as soon as my hand brushed the handle I changed my mind. I turned around and headed back to my room. If they ask I will just say I wasn't feeling well. I guess it is not a complete lie, I mean I do feel sick just not the sick they would understand. I walked into my room and just dropped onto my bed.
I started to think about myself, and who I've become. There has to be something wrong with me. I am a cutter, but I'm not depressed. I am suicidal, but I don't want to die. I laugh, but I want to cry. I smile, but I want to hide. I fight, but I want to lose. I swim, but I want to drown. I want to live, but I want to die. I rolled over on my side and tears ran down my face.
The ringing of the phone startled me. I picked it up.
"Hello?" I asked automatically.
"This is Anna from Morgan General Hospital. Is this James Diamond?" she asked with sorrow in her voice. This can't be good.
"Yes," I answered nervously.
"I am sorry to inform you, but your brother died last night. Your parents are stopping here to see him one last time, and then they are coming to see you. They told me to tell you this so you will know they are coming. I am very sorry, sweetie. Are you alright?" she asked.
"Yes, thank you for telling me. Goodbye," I said my voice cracking.
"Goodbye," she said quietly.
I slammed the phone down and cried harder than I ever had before. I ran blindly to the bathroom. I turned and locked the door. I slipped off my shirt and grabbed the razor. This is my fault. If I never came out here he would still be alive. I slid the razor over my once flawless skin. I looked in the mirror and watched the blood drip from the cut on my stomach down onto the dark fabric of my jeans. I couldn't feel anything. Pain was numb to me. I made another slice and watched the blood. Red was always my favorite color. It symbolized love and warmth. But now it meant so much more. It symbolized the blood I force out of my body as a way of relief. It symbolizes the red lines that are forever engraved in my flesh. And most importantly it symbolizes the anger toward my parents for causing me to be the way I am. Suicidal. Self injuring. And self hating. I didn't care that the blood had dried on my skin, I just slipped my shirt back on. I cleaned the blade and put it back. I raced out of the bathroom and into my room. I sat in the corner and just stared out. As the hot tears slid down my cheeks, I smacked my head repeatedly against the wall. I didn't even notice the smeared blood on the wall or the blood dripping down the back of my head. I just sat there. Help .