Stephenie Meyer owns the copyright to Twilight and all its characters

The original characters, plots, and storyline contained within this derivative work are the property of Brits23 and Lazykate

(Translation: if you steal it, we will send Bitey after your ass…and not in a good way)

Just as a reminder-Lazykate writes the girls and Brits23 writes the boys.

Chapter Sixteen - Coming Back To You

CPOV

When I awoke the following morning, every inch of my body ached. I felt as if I'd run a never ending marathon. My head was pounding incessantly and my heart thudded brutally inside my chest. I cursed beneath my breath, taking a moment to allow my true feelings to surface before I slid the mask safely back into place.

Nearly twenty-four hours ago I had discovered that the woman I was in love with was unknowingly dating my son…who was more than likely also in love with her. And I had reasoned with myself to sacrifice her for his sake. The burning tears in my eyes made an unwelcome appearance again, and all I wanted to do was throw the covers over my head and not move until the raw pain wreaking havoc on my body abated.

I grabbed my hair in two fistfuls and groaned, wishing I could take a day to hide from what my life had become and realizing that I could never bring myself to do it. My patients needed me, and regardless of the hell I'd been subjected to, I would never let them down. In that same token, I vowed not to let Edward and Bella down either. They had come to rely on me as the rock in any given situation, but in very different ways. In order to salvage this nightmare we had found ourselves in, it was imperative that I kept a level head so that we could survive this. So that they could survive this.

I would always be there for my son, but the moment I resolved to give up the woman I loved so that Edward could have her, I also decided to take a step back from the equation. It was more of a necessity than anything, because this ache was tearing me wide open. I couldn't breathe as I lay in the dark safety of my room. Tears unleashed once again as they slid past my cheeks, and I was alone. What would happen when I would one day have to watch Bella gaze into Edward's eyes the same way she once did with me? I was nothing if not determined to fix this in any way possible….but there are some things even the strongest man can't survive.

Physically witnessing them together as a couple at this juncture would absolutely destroy me.

I had to have faith that with time and a little distance, I'd be able to successfully be around my son and his girlfriend without falling apart at the seams.

I pulled myself from bed and staggered to the bathroom, my mind completely checked out as I went through the motions of showering. Patient names and ailments ran frantically through my mind as I desperately fought to drown out her face and her voice and her perfect goddamn eyes. As I dressed for the day, however, I quickly realized that regardless of how fervently I tried to deny it, all I would ever see was her.

I turned from the mirror and gazed longingly at my disheveled bed, remembering how Bella looked with her hair tousled and her glorious body tangled in my sheets. Suddenly things were so blaringly obvious to me; my unrelenting denial never even stood a chance against the truth…and the only truth I knew was that ever since the day I took her flying, I had belonged to her unwaveringly.

And somehow I had to find the will to let her go.

The drive to work was silent. I didn't want music because it would make me think of her, or make me feel something when all I wanted to do was avoid anything resembling hope or absolution.

Edward.

Bella.

Their happiness would get me through the misery I had sentenced myself to…their happiness would save me from myself when it was all said and done. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and vowed to myself that I would be better than this, for their sake. Putting others before my own well-being had always come natural to me, but here, on the sullen morning after everything had fallen apart around me, it was so hard not to feel sorrowful over what I'd lost.

I pulled into my parking space and shut off the car, pulling my cell phone from my pocket. There were several business-related e-mails waiting for me, but nothing from the two people I longed to hear from the most. My finger hovered above Edward's name. I was so tempted to call him, but decided against it in the end. I knew my son…he would contact me when he was ready.

I swallowed thickly as I scrolled through my contacts, stopping when Bella's name was highlighted. It was like a beacon tethering me to this earth; my eyes refused to tear away from the five letters that still owned my heart entirely. My thumb began to shake as I fought with my self-control. Calling her wasn't even my intention, it wasn't about that. She needed time to sort things out, and I'd be damned if I was going to pressure her when she needed her space. But giving in and pressing that simple button would bring me her sweet face, the picture I had taken of her the afternoon we rested on my couch and ate pizza together as the sun went down. She was exquisite. She took my breath away.

I groaned in submission as I pressed that daunting button, bringing me the vision of the woman that I had once believed was put on this earth for me.

She still was. Jesus Christ, I knew she still was, and I was a fool if I thought for one second that I could convince myself otherwise.

But I would sacrifice it all. For them, I would sacrifice everything.

I stared at her smiling image until I felt like my heart would burst. When I could take no more I swiftly climbed out of my vehicle, desperately needing the distraction of work to take this unbearable pain away. My God, somehow I'd have to find a way to survive a life where she would never be mine.

As I opened the door to the office, my reflection startled me so much that I had to stop in my tracks. My eyes were bright red, my face was sallow, and the growth of facial hair I had procured over the weekend made me look unkempt. I continued to stare at myself, trying to come to terms with the person I was quickly turning into, when Gladys caught my attention through the glass.

She looked like her own heart was breaking as she watched me watch myself, and the last thing I could handle at that point was another person's sympathy. Gladys's compassion could break the façade I was so desperate to keep in place.

I snapped out of my stupor and opened the door, offering her a half-hearted smile and a soft "good morning."

"Doctor, what happened?"

I clenched my fists, the widening smile on my face seeming to mock the flood of emotion that was boiling up in my chest. "Everything's fine, Gladys," I murmured, my voice breaking as I spoke her name.

"Doctor?"

I shook my head and chuckled humorlessly, turning from her as quickly as I could.

"Doctor?" I continued walking away as she called to me. "Carlisle!"

I stopped in my tracks halfway down the hallway, letting my chin fall to my chest as a shuddering sigh became lodged in my throat. She came to stand before me, her big blue eyes tear-filled as I looked up to meet them. She placed her hand on my stubbled cheek, silently asking me to confide in her.

But confiding in her would break me once and for all, when my strength was already hanging on by a thread. I cleared my throat and blinked rapidly, patting the hand that rested on my cheek before removing it. "Let me know when the Jacksons arrive," I choked, letting the intensity of my emotions slip out as I side-stepped her and retreated to my office, briskly shutting the door behind me.

As soon as I was protected by the wooden barrier between us, I pressed my palms against my eyes, groaning in pure frustration. My back slid slowly down the door as I surrendered to the pain that had been rising up inside me since the moment I awoke, and I finally just let myself own it.

Just for a little while, I let myself be the man who had lost everything…

…just for a little while.

BPOV

I'd been sitting in the parking lot of Carlisle's office building for the last fifteen minutes. I'd watched as both patients and employees began filing out the closer it got to five o'clock, and I knew I'd have to go inside soon, unless I wanted to find the office locked and have to wait for him in the parking lot.

I wasn't exactly sure how I'd known that, despite everything, Carlisle would have gone to work today. Edward hadn't, and God knows I wasn't planning on getting anything resembling work done. But somehow I just knew that no matter what might be going on in his personal life, or tearing him to pieces inside, that he would never cancel a day full of appointments and let all those people down. It just wasn't the kind of man he was. So here I sat next to his black BMW in the parking lot, trying to gather up the courage to get out of my own car and go hurt him all over again.

Hurting Carlisle, I knew, was going to be a thousand times more painful than what I'd faced with Edward earlier in the day. As awful as that had been, I was dreading this even more, with every fiber of my being. Of all three of us, none of us deserved all this shit, but Carlisle deserved it the least. He had always been the one who gave the most, to both Edward and I, while offering me his heart to break in return.

And I had.

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a long deep breath, willing back the tears that were threatening to well up again. I'd done too much crying, hurt too much…I wasn't going to do that in front of him, make him feel worse than I knew he already did. I could suck it up and not be selfish for once, to try and do this with some dignity, to try and earn a shred of his respect before I left.

But it hurt so fucking bad. I would manage to keep it together on the outside if it killed me, but on the inside…

I took another deep breath and then slowly opened my eyes to look at the clock on the dashboard. 4:58. It was now or never.

Moving as though I were underwater, I pushed myself out of the car, locked it behind me, and trudged across the parking lot to his building. To both my relief and disappointment, the door opened easily, and I swallowed hard as the cool rush of antiseptic-scented air hit my face. Only a few more steps to the check-in window, and to the tired-looking woman who sat there.

"I'm sorry, we're…oh, hello there sweetpea!" Gladys's kind words belied the look of concern I'd caught on her face. "Are you here to see Doctor?"

"Yes, he…" My voice cracked the tiniest bit, and I coughed before continuing. "He didn't know I was stopping by, though. If he's busy…"

"No, no hon, not at all. Our last patient just left and he's in there doing paperwork, poor dear. I hope maybe seeing you cheers him up, I don't know what happened over the weekend but he's terribly upset about something. Not that he lets the patients see, of course, but I've known him long enough to be able to tell." She shook her head sadly and clucked in disapproval. "I was just about to leave myself, I'll lock the front door and he can set the alarm when he goes."

I nodded mutely, the sick heavy feeling in my chest growing stronger.

"Here, come on then, dear, I'll buzz you in. Do you want me to walk back with you?"

I opened the door that led to the rest of the office and shook my head at the plump kind-faced woman before me as she picked up her purse and car keys. "No, I know the way now."

"Well, all right then, just let him know I left and locked up. It's Bella, right?"

"Yes."

Impulsively, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms tightly around me, giving me a strong hug. "He's hurting, but I don't know about what. And I hate to see him like that. Go in there and cheer him up, please?"

I can't promise you that, Gladys, I'm sorry.

"All right, I really am out the door now, I have a couple of errands to run before I get home!" She swiped quickly at her eyes before settling her enormous purse over her shoulder and patting my arm as she passed by. "Goodnight Bella."

"Goodnight," I murmured. I stood rooted to the spot, listening as she bustled through the waiting room to the front door. I waited to hear the definitive thud of the heavy lock in the front door, and then I waited just a few minutes more before I heard the faint roar of a car engine start out in the parking lot. Otherwise, it was completely silent in the office.

I could see even before I reached it that the door to Carlisle's office was firmly shut, and I stood before it for what seemed like an eternity before I finally lifted my hand, curled my fingers into a weak fist, and rapped against it. The moment before I finally heard his quiet voice answer consisted of at least five banging heartbeats, one ragged breath, and another reminder that I couldn't be selfish now. Not for this.

"Come on in, Gladys."

He deserves better than this. Don't be selfish.

I twisted the doorknob, and I stepped inside.

There were no windows in his office, and he had only his desk lamp on, casting a soft glow over the entire room. It was easy enough to see him, though: fingers raked through blond hair as he rested his forehead against his palm, his elbow planted next to the chart he stared down at. His other hand held a pen, but it wasn't moving. His shoulders were slumped and he was leaning heavily against that one supporting arm. Every part of his body screamed of fatigue.

I released the doorknob and it sprang back into place with an audible click, but it wasn't until I pushed the door fully shut behind me that he finally stirred, looked up, and those perfect blue eyes met mine.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Bella…" He blinked twice before seeming to realize that I was actually there.

"I…uh…I'm sorry I didn't call or anything…to tell you I was coming by."

He shook his head and closed the chart in front of him, shoving it off to the side before standing. "You've never needed an invitation."

We stood like that, staring at each other, until I bit my lip and pulled in a long shuddering breath. "Maybe not, but…"

Carlisle's eyes were studying my face intently, before they flickered away, towards a pair of chairs that now sat neatly before his desk. "Please, sit down."

The formality of his request, when just a few days prior he'd held me in his arms, safe and trusting, was like a kick in the throat. "I can't."

He looked away and then down. "I understand. You're not staying long?"

"No…I…"

The shoulders he'd straightened slumped minutely again. "If you won't sit, then I'll stand with you. Bella…"

I could feel them coming, the sobs that I couldn't have held back for anything in the world. I could chide myself for being selfish, con myself into being brave, tell myself that I could do this one fucking thing…but in the end, seeing the pain on his face tore my strength away.

"I'm sorry…" I choked out, just ahead of the tears that boiled up from whatever endless supply I'd evidently been keeping in reserve for months. "I didn't mean to do this to you."

"Bella, oh Bella…" He whispered, and in the next second his arms were around me, and my face was pressed against his shoulder, as safe and comfortable as his embrace had always been. "Please, just sit down for a moment? Please?"

I choked and physically staggered, hating myself more right then than at any point since I'd cried myself out in my bathroom Sunday afternoon. He caught me, of course, and the next thing I heard was the near-silent squeak of his desk chair and the creak of leather as he settled into it, with me tucked carefully into his arms, on his lap. It was a gentle embrace, though, one meant to comfort, nothing more.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't know!" I was a broken record now, repeating the only thing I knew to be true that wouldn't hurt him anymore. "I would never have…"

"I know that," he murmured against the top of my head, so quietly that I almost didn't hear him. "I never for a second thought…I was just so worried about you…"

I hiccupped slightly, sinking deeper into his embrace even as a small voice inside of me screamed against doing it, of taking advantage of him one last time. "I didn't come here to make you feel this way."

He sighed just slightly. "Why did you come?"

"I wanted to…to apologize." I was fumbling for words now, all my carefully-planned scenarios completely shattered. "I hurt the most wonderful man I've ever known in my life, and it's killing me. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry, but I know how stupid it sounds; being sorry will never be enough."

His hand came up and gently stroked my hair. "You don't ever have to apologize to me, Bella, especially now. You have nothing to apologize for. You were never dishonest with me, and a coincidence like this…" He paused for a moment. "I don't even know how to imagine it. But it's no more your fault than mine, or Edward's."

It would have been a thousand times easier if he'd been angry, or upset, or hurling accusations at me. Anything other than forgiveness I didn't deserve, underlined with a quiet resignation. But I was selfish…again…and so I sat there with my tears soaking into his jacket, letting him comfort me.

"It is my fault. I kept telling myself that dating around was what I should do. I could have prevented all of this from happening."

"No," he contradicted. "As much as I hate the pain you're in and what…all of this…" The painful words were slower to come. "…has done to Edward, I can't make myself regret it. Just knowing you, every second I've spent with you, has made me a better man. I could never repay you for that, sweetheart. You've given me so much more than I could ever equal, and knowing that you'll do the same for my son…it's all I could have ever asked for."

"All what?" I sat upright abruptly, shivering, trying to keep from breaking down completely. "Leading you both on, making it all about me, taking what both of you were willing to give when I wouldn't give anything back? How can you even look at me right now?"

His jaw hardened as he swallowed. "Because you've done nothing but give, Bella. If the joy you've brought and will bring to Edward is even a fraction of what you've given me, then it's all worth it in the end. As I said, I hate that this is all happening now, but I won't…I just want you both to be happy. I don't want you to hold yourself back from that because you feel guilty. You deserve happiness, and I told you a while ago that it's all I've ever wanted for you. That hasn't changed at all."

"How can you say that?" I choked out. "What about what you want? Don't you want…"

Gentle fingers tipped my chin up, and for the briefest second I felt the brush of his thumb over my lips. "Oh Bella…there are so many things I've wanted in my life. Some of them I've been lucky enough to be given, and our time together is one of them. But another one is seeing my son happy, and even though I didn't know it was you bringing him such joy, I saw it nevertheless. And knowing now that you'll make his life so much brighter than it ever was before…as a father I couldn't even begin to ask for more than that."

My insides quaked a little at the reminder, but confusion was beginning to rise too. "You think this was good for Edward?"

"Well, not this part of it, no," he said slowly. "But you're worth fighting through this mess for, Bella, and I'm not standing in the way of that. Don't you understand what I'm saying? I want this for you two."

"You want me with Edward?"

"I want you both happy," was his quiet reply.

I stared at him for a long moment, stunned. "You don't want me?"

His body stiffened under me, and I could almost feel him pulling away, in every sense of the word. "Bella, please…the only thing I'll beg of you is not to ask questions like that."

"No…tell me!"

"Please don't do this."

A slight ray of understanding was beginning to crack through the sickening ache that had surrounded me since yesterday. "You think I want to be with Edward."

I felt a tremor run through him. "Bella…"

"No…no, stop," I insisted, straightening up from my position on his lap and putting a hand on his chest. "You can decide whatever you want for yourself, but you need to know what I wanted. I'm not saying I deserve it, or expect it, but I won't let you believe for the rest of your life that there was nothing between the two of us."

He turned his face away from me, and just that small movement away cut me to the quick. "I'm not foolish enough to try and convince myself there was nothing between us, but I'm not going to let my own selfishness hurt the two people I love most either."

Oh God, oh God…

"And if you truly mean it when you say you never meant to hurt me, sweetheart, don't make me…"

"You love me?"

I'd cut him off rudely, but of course there was no reproach in his eyes when they finally met mine again. "Bella, please…"

"No! You don't understand…oh God…Carlisle, you don't understand. I don't want Edward. I wanted you. I love you."

He went completely still beneath me, not even blinking his eyes, and I seized the opportunity to plow forward, not caring that I was probably tearing him to pieces all over again. "I love you, I don't even know how long I've been denying it, but it was always you I kept going to, turning to, and I was just too fucking stupid and stubborn to admit it to myself. And even if you hate me now, I'm not going to let you think…"

"Don't!" he interrupted harshly. "Don't ever even for a moment believe that I could ever hate you."

"But you want me to be with your son?"

His arms dropped and his hands tightened on my hips, almost to the point of pain. "I want whatever makes you happy, Bella. Don't you understand that?"

My head was spinning, but just as things had clicked into place in a horrible way the day before, they were falling into place, the right place, now. "You make me happy, Carlisle. You can't believe it? What we had together, you didn't feel what I did, even if I wasn't letting myself acknowledge that I was falling in love again so hard, so soon? That I was fighting against something that scared me too much to give everything to? Everything I did, whether I realized it or not, I just kept coming back to you. And as much as I hate myself for hurting Edward, I did love you, and I still do. I love you."

His head tilted back and he met my gaze, but my heart cracked when I saw the tears glimmering faintly in his blue eyes. "Under any other circumstances, I would have sold my soul to hear you say those words."

The tiny bit of hope that started to glow inside of me plummeted back down again. "But not now?"

He groaned softly and dropped his chin to his chest, his hands still tight on my hips. "Of course I want to hear them…hear the woman I love tell me that she loves me too…and thinking of what we could have had together. I want you, and I love you, Bella. But I can't do that to my son. Do you understand me? I would give away everything for the two of you, even if I regret it for the rest of my life."

At his words I stood up, turned and then sat back down, facing him and straddling his knees. I then cupped his jaw in my hand, forcing him to look at me. "Don't get me started about regrets, okay? But what I need you to know, right now, is that I went and saw Edward before I came over here."

He blinked in shock. "What?"

"When I ran away yesterday, like the little coward I was, it gave me some time to think, to get a grasp on the situation. And I decided…" I took a deep breath, this was going to make or break anything that Carlisle and I had left between us to salvage. "That you both at least deserved an apology. I wasn't even expecting to tell you how I felt about you, because I didn't think it would be fair to assume you'd feel anything but disgust for me. But I knew that I'd never forgive myself if I didn't apologize to Edward first, because he's the one who would deserve it the most."

"Is he okay?"

I tentatively lifted one of my hands to brush back a lock of his blond hair that was sticking up, just slightly out of place. "He and I had a very long talk. I'm not saying that he's okay, but…I told him what he deserved to hear."

"And what was that?" he asked quietly.

"That I loved him too, but not in the same I way I love you. That I loved him like one of the best friends I've ever been privileged to have. That even though he made me happy, and made me laugh, it wasn't the same kind of feelings I have for you. They aren't lesser feelings, they're just…different. And then he had some questions of his own."

Carlisle nodded silently, not prying, and I clamped my lips together at the memory of Edward's anger, his hurt. His frustrated confusion over how I could have kissed him Saturday morning and let him believe the connection between us was romantic on both sides. And the only answer I could give him had sounded pathetic, even to my ears: because I thought I was supposed to.

"If you weren't going to tell me how you felt about…us…then why did you tell Edward?"

The kink of pain in my chest knotted even tighter. "He wanted to know if I felt the same way for you, just friendship, or if you and I had something more. I didn't want him to think that I was…jerking you around, after what Esme did to you. And so I told him the truth, and then we talked about you. About how I feel for you. I didn't tell him to hurt him, but to make him understand. I didn't figure I had a chance in hell of you actually wanting me, but I was done with all of these fucking secrets. I told him why I love you the way I do, because even though I knew it would hurt him, I knew it would hurt him more if I gave him some bullshit half-excuse. And after he got done with a lot of ranting and swearing, he accepted that."

"What did he say?" Pain was in his voice; Carlisle would always ever be concerned with others over himself.

"I'm not going to say that he gave us his blessing, because he didn't. But he did say that he would rather I be with someone who he knows would love me and respect me like you would, as opposed to anyone else, and that if I didn't tell you the truth, I was a fool. Edward is…incredible. He's just an amazing person. He's fun, he's a cocky asshole while still being the most giving spirit…he's so much better than he gives himself credit for. He gets that from you, I know that now."

He didn't respond to that, and I twisted my hands together. "I know it's pretty much impossible at this point, but I could see him being one of my best friends. He has so much to give, so much love inside of him that he's kept bottled away…he deserves someone that can match it all, every bit of it. But I can't do that. Carlisle…"

My voice was faint now, almost completely spent by the emotion that had wrung me dry and left me in limbo, totally unsure of what his final reaction would be.

His head tilted back incrementally then, those familiar blue eyes meeting mine, and in that moment I almost wanted to cry, to berate myself for every having wondered why I'd wasted so much time, thinking there was a choice. Because there was no choice as long as Carlisle was in my life, I'd been a fool to try to convince myself otherwise. Despite the difference in our ages, our backgrounds, and the more raw recent pain of everything I'd done to Edward...all along, I'd been meant to be with Carlisle.

Hindsight was amazing, but in the end, it didn't fix a damn thing.

He sighed softly, and after a moment a tentative hand came up to stroke my cheek. "Bella..."

I stared directly into his eyes, hoping that what he saw there would convey anything my words might not. "I love you. The night you took me flying...I told you I'd never felt so cherished in my entire life. I should have listened to what my gut was telling me even then, that there's a reason I feel that way with you. And I know I'm being selfish, telling you all this now, but even if you want me to leave I'll at least know I was honest with you in the end."

He shook his head slowly, and then pulled me tightly into him, leaning his blond head against my chest so I could just rest my cheek against his hair. "I don't want you to leave. Just tell me this isn't a dream."

"It's no dream."

"Tell me this can all work out."

"It can." I knew exactly who he was referring to, but I had faith in Edward...he was his father's son, after all. "It may be a bumpy ride for a while, but in the end, it will work out."

He was silent for a long moment before speaking again. "Tell me not to feel guilty."

"Why do you feel guilty?" I whispered.

"For knowing that I'll be happy at my son's expense. For plunging headlong into something that I know is going to cause him pain. For taking away the only woman he's really ever loved."

"You can't take me away if I'm not his, Carlisle. And if you were to push me away now, for your son's sake, it isn't going to make me love him. All that would come of it is neither of you would be happy, and he'd resent you for willingly giving away something he wanted, but can't ever have."

"But..." he started, and I quickly stopped him with a finger against his lips.

"I told you what he said. He told me that he knew you'd love me and cherish me the way I deserved." I had to pause and swallow hard after that, Carlisle wasn't the only one still clinging to guilt at the moment. "And that he'd rather you make me happy for the rest of my life than take a chance on me falling for another 'pickle-dick motherfucker.'"

Carlisle shook slightly beneath me with a small choked laugh. "I don't even have to ask if that's a direct quote."

"Of course it is." I gently ran my fingers along the back of his head. "I'm not trying to say that Edward is magically okay with this. He's not. He's angry at me, and probably at you, but he feels guilty for it at the same time. It's something that will have to be fixed between the two of you, and it won't happen overnight. But if what we have is worth it, and your relationship with him is worth it, then we'll deal with it, even when it hurts."

"The two of you are worth everything to me. Everything."

The raw honesty and vulnerability in his words sharpened my resolve, and I pulled back just enough to meet his eyes again. "Show me."

"You gave me back a life," he murmured, ghosting the tips of his fingers along my lips. "You convinced me to love again. And I love you so much for it, I don't even have words to express how much."

"Show me," I whispered again, and this time I leaned into him as our lips met.

Carlisle and I had kissed so many times before this, but this kiss reminded me of one thing: cool rainwater sluicing down my body, trickling over our faces and lips as we kissed for the first time in the parking lot months ago. His arms on either side of me, the unyielding car behind me. The look in his eyes when he'd torn his lips away, only to press them against my neck, my ear, my shoulder. Something unconscious in both of us had known even then.

He slowly deepened the kiss as I tightened my fingers in his hair, wanting to hold him to me with every ounce of strength I possessed. In contrast to my urgency, he was unhurried; our lips moving, clinging, and parting as though it was the first time and he was learning me all over again. One of his hands was back on my face, the other settled on my hip as his arm tightened around me. This, this was the feeling that I'd finally given myself over to, recognizing what it had been telling me all along. I was cherished, I was loved, I was safe giving this man all of my heart and mind.

"Tell me," he breathed into my mouth, and the words came to me immediately, even as his lips stole them away. I love you.

His kisses ached, but they were exquisite. His tongue burned against mine as need swept through us both; I could feel him trembling beneath me, but he was strong enough to hold back, to feel every second of what was between us now. He forced me to feel it too; and in the end I moaned against him and let him guide me.

The hand that had tightened on my hip moved now, sliding slowly down my thigh, warm and familiar. His other hand slid over my shoulder, up the length of my arm until he laced his fingers through mine. There was a promise in that gesture, in the very sweet simplicity of it, and it did to my heart what his touch did to my body.

And his touch, as wonderfully familiar as it was, was unlike any other I'd ever known. Carlisle explored my body with the perfect combination of reverence, confidence, and erotic knowledge. The pressure of his fingertips when he skimmed over my clothes was as heady as when his skin scorched mine. He knew me.

Our kisses grew more and more insistent, but as I pressed myself hard against him, his hands dropped from where they were skating over the skin of my back to still my hips. "Bella, if this is what you want…I don't have any protection. We usually keep condoms in the samples cupboard, but…"

I smiled before kissing him again. "You weren't paying very close attention to my chart that night in the hospital, were you Dr. Cullen? I've been on Depo for two years now."

His blue eyes darkened to navy as they met mine. "Are you okay with…"

"Yes. I want you inside of me. Just you." I trusted him implicitly, and I'd gotten tested immediately after finding out that Jackass had been cheating on me. With that out of the way, the idea of having sex with Carlisle with no barriers between us was intoxicating. It made the steady heat that was clenched deep within me flare even as it began stretching throughout the rest of my body. "I need you. I need you inside of me, I need us to be together to make everything all right again. And I want you so bad it hurts."

Carlisle sucked in a deep breath, his teeth sinking deep into his lip, before he abruptly leaned forward and wrapped his arms around my bottom. His thighs tensed beneath mine and the chair skidded backward as he stood, taking a single step forward and setting me gently on the surface of his desk. I couldn't help but smile.

"Are we picking up from where we left off here?"

"I've imagined you here a hundred times since then," he confessed, before drawing me into a longer kiss. "Fantasizing about you has gotten me through many a long, lonely night."

"I'm glad I could help." I felt his lips curve against mine before they pulled me into kiss after kiss. I was perched on the very edge of his desk and he was settled firmly between my spread thighs, providing a sweet friction even through our clothes. When he began kissing his way from the corner of my mouth over my jaw and ear, I reached out with one leg and managed to snag his chair, pulling it up smoothly behind him so that I could rest my feet on it.

Now in that more secure position, my hands were free to roam over him again: dragging through his hair, scratching down his neck over the plane of his strong back, coming around to the front to skirt under his white jacket and skim over every dip and swell of his abdomen and chest. When my palm ran down again to flatten and stroke firmly over his thick erection, we both groaned. Lips and teeth and fingers suddenly became more demanding, and we were on the verge of clawing at each other before he pulled back enough to drop down and fumble at the front of my jeans.

I was fervently thankful for the chair beneath my feet as I lifted my hips, allowing him to slide the jeans and panties off together, tugging them completely down and letting them fall to the floor. He fumbled at his own pants for a moment before they too slid down, and he started to yank off his jacket. I grabbed at the lapels.

"Leave it on."

A half-chuckle escaped him. "No way in hell."

"It reminds me of when we first met."

"We can explore your doctor fantasies some other time." He squirmed out of his jacket as I loosened his tie and began plucking at the buttons of his dress shirt. There was a tangling of arms and fabric before I yanked his sleeves down, briefly interrupting him as he unclasped my bra. It wasn't until we were skin-to-skin, arching into each other, that he barely eased himself back from me and cupped my face in his hands, forcing me to look into his eyes.

"I love you," he said with simple sincerity. "I think I've loved you since that first night…when you flew with me and kissed me and laughed with me in the rain. Every moment I've spent with you since has only made me more sure of it."

I brought my hands up over his again, covering them where they held my face. "Show me."

Carlisle took a half-step back, then brought both hands down to his desk on either side of me, allowing his body to angle slightly into mine, his hips settling perfectly between my thighs. The full thick length of him was pressed against me then, and I whimpered as the slightest movement on his part slid his heated skin over me. The friction of it made my legs tremble, and I instinctively wrapped them around his waist.

His eyes met mine again even as he brought one hand to wrap around the base of his erection, guiding it slowly into me. As he slid completely in, his hand moved to graze over my clit, and when I whimpered more loudly, he did it again.

The wonderful tension in my abdomen increased exponentially as we strained into each other, his thrusts slow and measured at first, matching the stroking of his fingers. His free arm slid around my waist, tilting my body to meet his, and I tangled my hands back in his blond hair.

"Bella…" he whispered against my cheek, and I blindly turned to him, desperate for more of his kisses, the sweetness of his mouth on mine. He kissed me until I was dizzy, only breaking away to moan and increase the speed of his thrusts. The spike in pleasure was immediate, and I tightened my fingers in his hair as I let my body's response tell him what I was no longer capable of vocalizing.

"Yes, oh God yes…" I could barely hear his words, but when he hit a particularly pleasurable spot and my body tightened involuntarily around him, his resulting groan was louder. "Sweetheart…oh God, you feel so good…"

"More…" was the only response I could squeak out, and he obliged immediately. In the position we were in, though, he wasn't able to go as deep, and I wanted every single bit of him inside me. I kissed him one more time, then a quick nip at his lip before I let go of his hair and reclined backward onto my elbows.

He understood my intent almost immediately and, without withdrawing from me, helped me to scoot even further over the edge of his desk. I lay back flat, thankful that Carlisle wasn't the type to have a lot of useless clutter on his heavy solid desk. As soon as my knees were bent and my lower legs were on either side of his ribcage, he thrust again and the increase in sensation ricocheted down to the tips of my toes. The position did indeed let him push harder and faster, and my fingers gripped the edge of the desk as he sank deep inside of me.

Taking advantage of the fact that my deathgrip on his desk was providing resistance against his movements, Carlisle reached up with one hand to cup my breast, running a tightened nipple between his first and middle fingers. "I want to kiss you again here," he murmured. "I want to take all night making love to you, kissing every part of you, watching you fall apart under me…"

"Yes," I gasped out. His voice was heavier than usual, and his words were the perfect erotic backdrop to what he was currently doing to me.

"God…I can't stop…can't get enough of you…" He started moving faster until the percussion of skin against skin and my non-stop moans were the only noises I could make out in the room. His jaw was clenched hard, and from the look on his face, I knew he wasn't far from losing control. I wasn't either. The trembling in my thighs and rolling waves of intensity that kept pulsing up from where he was plunging into me was proof of that. I just had to let go.

As if reading my mind, Carlisle's hand left my breast and trailed down my stomach, moving in a direct line to exactly where I needed him. A twist of his wrist, and a single finger slid slowly and firmly over my clit.

Just that one simple movement, but it may as well have been a match scratching over sandpaper. Fire bloomed from where his skin touched mine, his hips still moving, and I let out a strangled cry as I let go, and I came.

My entire body contracted, clamping around him. The intensity of my orgasm was enough to seize up my breathing, and my back arched off the desk, my mouth falling open to wail out something that approximated his name.

He followed me just a few moments later, his own groans skidding upward in pitch and volume as his lips parted. He thrust three more times, the last one hard and deep, before freezing and holding me to him, pulsing inside of me as he cried out my name.

Neither of us moved for a long second, aside from the heaving of our chests, before we slowly started melting into each other. Still inside of me, Carlisle bent over, braced on his forearms, his panting chest pressing against my stomach, head resting between my breasts. I lifted my limp arms enough to scratch my fingernails over his scalp, and he hummed appreciatively against me.

"I love you," I whispered, and a split-second later he lifted and turned his head enough to kiss my chest, just over my heart.

"I love you too, sweetheart. So very much."

Another few moments of blissful silence before Carlisle pushed himself upward slowly and withdrew from my body before helping me to sit up as well. He held me against him as I tested out the strength of my wobbly legs, and then ran a finger over my cheek before kissing me gently. "You okay?"

"Um, a lot better than okay." Goosebumps erupted over my sweat-slick skin as the heat of his body finally separated from mine.

Carlisle noticed, of course, and quickly bent to grab my clothes. I giggled softly, and took just my panties from the proffered bundle, stepping carefully into them as he held my arm to steady me. After I settled them over my hips, he bent again and this time came up with his white doctor's jacket. "Here, put this on. It's warmer than what you came in here with."

I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud this time as he helped me shrug into it. "I'm going to want to keep this now."

"It's yours," he chuckled, dropping back into his desk chair and holding out his arms to me. I immediately sat crosswise on his lap, planting a kiss on his stubbled cheek before snuggling into the comfort of his neck.

"Actually, now that I think of it…I'd rather see you in it again…just the jacket and nothing else. Maybe a tie. You look better in it anyway."

"Ah, I beg to differ," he contradicted immediately, running a finger down the lapel to the swells of my breasts. "Seeing you in my jacket will give me very pleasant mental images for some time."

I kissed his neck. "You'll have the real thing to look at whenever you want to, you know."

His arms tightened around me and he rubbed his cheek against my hair. "I'm not fully convinced I'm not dreaming. This is almost too good to be true."

"What, the desk sex?" I asked innocently, and he squeezed me again.

"That was…beyond amazing…but the fact that you're here now…I'm almost scared to let myself be this happy."

I could tell that he was trying to come up with a way to explain what he really meant, and I stayed silent even as my fingers stole up to begin rubbing the back of his neck. He sighed softly and leaned his cheek against me. "I just…what I said earlier is true. I consider myself a blessed man. I may not have gotten everything I'd wanted in life, but I'd gotten more than enough to be thankful. I have a wonderful family, a fulfilling job, my health…and then you came into my world. Even with all the reasons we shouldn't have necessarily ended up like this tonight, you're here, and I almost can't believe it."

"I'm not going anywhere," I said hesitantly, not sure exactly how to reassure him.

"Sweetheart…you have to understand…I'd come to terms with letting you go, as much as it was killing me inside. I loved you too much to be selfish and make you feel guilty for…" He broke off and took a deep breath. "I wanted whatever would make you happy. You deserve it. And so does Edward."

His name hung heavily in the ensuing silence between us, the reality of the situation beginning to push back into our happy little bubble.

"Edward does deserve happiness," I started carefully. "But he wouldn't have been happy with me, like this, because I don't feel the same way for him as I do for you. I love him for being him, for making me laugh and being my friend and letting me see that part of him that almost no one else has seen. It makes me sick that I'm hurting him, even if I'm not doing it intentionally. But I can't fix that. I can't pretend I don't feel the way I do about you. I shouldn't have waited this long, though, I shouldn't have…"

"Stop," he interrupted me. "Don't do that to yourself. I'm not going to let you beat yourself up over something you had no idea about. Do you think it would have been any less painful if you'd made a decision earlier? Any time after you'd met both of us would have made the whole thing…"

"Weird?" I supplied.

"To say the least." He sighed again and pressed a long kiss against my head before I tilted my head back and his lips met mine for one sweet moment. "I don't regret anything except hurting him."

"I wasn't supposed to regret anything," I mumbled, pressing my forehead back against his neck again. "No Regrets, that was my motto when I moved here."

"Hmm, but you got it wrong in Trivial Pursuit."

"What?"

"Non, Je ne regrette rien. You got it wrong that first night we were together."

"I don't remember that, and I don't speak French," I countered.

"It's Edith Piaf…I'll play it for you sometime."

"Does it mean no regrets?"

"Basically, yes." He shifted me in his arms again so we were facing each other, and then he began placing quick little kisses over my face until my skin warmed under his lips. "We should get out of here. The next time I make love to you is not going to be bent over my desk."

"Where to, then?"

"My place. I would like to take my time and worship your body the way it deserves."

My breath hitched a little and my pulse picked up. "I'll follow you there."

"Nope, no way. I'll drive us."

"But my car is in the parking lot!" I thought about getting up and yanking on my discarded clothes, but I didn't want to move an inch from where I was, wrapped in Carlisle's arms.

"It'll still be there tomorrow, and I'm not letting you out of my sight. Not tonight."

xoxoxoxoxo

Carlisle did end up driving both of us back to his house, and I fired off a text to Alice, letting her know that everything was okay, that I was with Carlisle, and I wouldn't be home that night.

We took a quick shower together, somehow resisting the temptation of naked wet skin, and then threw together a simple dinner. We smiled a lot, kissed even more, and took every opportunity to touch one another, even if it was just passing contact.

And I was happy. I felt happier than I had in a very long time, and I felt stable, and safe. It was as though I'd been on the world's longest roller coaster, and I'd only just now stepped out of the car and onto firm earth again. My legs were still wobbly but I was okay.

We left the dishes on the table when the electricity crackling between us reached its critical point, and we spent the rest of the night in Carlisle's bed. He made good on his promise to kiss every inch of my body, bringing me to my next two orgasms with the combined talent of his tongue and fingers alone. As soon as I could breathe again, I returned the favor. And then we made love until we were both exhausted, the sheets were half-off the bed, and he barely had the energy to drag a blanket over our tangled bodies before we both fell asleep.

I woke up to the sound of that same shrill bird in the tree outside the window, but waking up in Carlisle's bed this time was an entirely different experience. I leaned over to kiss his cheek before leaving the warm cocoon of his arms, and his lips curved up in a faint smile as he let me go.

After finding the robe he'd wrapped me in before, I padded into the kitchen to discover that the good doctor's coffee maker was so advanced that it actually gave me point-by-point brewing instructions on a digital screen. Coffee was just beginning to drip into the pot when Carlisle walked into the kitchen bare-chested, in pajama pants and with an adorable case of bed-head that made him look about ten years younger. He tossed his Blackberry onto the counter before pulling me into his arms and planting a kiss on my lips.

"Good morning, beautiful. I see you figured out the coffee maker."

"Hard not to when it gives you directions, otherwise I would have been in trouble." My legs got a little weak when I let my eyes drift south of his chest. "What time do you have to be at work?"

"Eight." He gave me a rueful smile. "Believe me when I say I'd much rather climb back into bed with you, though."

"It's okay, it'll probably take a few hours before I'm walking straight again anyway."

He laughed at that just as his Blackberry beeped with a new e-mail, and he pulled up a stool to sit and begin scrolling through them. After he listened to his voicemails, he gratefully accepted the cup of coffee I handed him, and then pulled me against his side. "Edward called."

My throat constricted a little. "Okay?"

"He wants to have dinner with me tonight, and talk."

"Did he sound mad?"

"No, he didn't. And the fact that he wants to talk to me is a good sign, he usually shuts down when he's really upset."

"What are you going to tell him?"

"You were truthful with him, so I will be too. I'm not going to ask him to be happy for us, but I'll ask him to understand. I don't want there to be any more secrets between us."

I nodded and took another sip of coffee before snuggling closer into Carlisle's side.

I was done with secrets too.

A/N:

Brits: Hey twin, guess what? I've got a dirty little secret too!

Kate: ?

Brits: There's an ALTERNATE ENDING on my profile: www (DOT) fanfiction (DOT) net/s/5685388/16/Dirty_Little_Secrets

.

.

.

.

.

…(epi to follow)