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Chapter 7

Gibbs hit the stop button of "his office" with the usual determination. "What the hell were you thinking?!"

For a moment, Ziva just stared at him, not entirely sure whether he really expected her to answer that question. What had she been thinking? Not much, probably. It had been her emotions and instincts that had been essential in the decision. "What was I thinking, Gibbs?" she repeated, frowning. "Well, first of all I was probably thinking‚ my partner is trying to kill himself very slowly and somebody has to stop him!"

"By threatening a doctor and deciding over Tony's head?"

"What else was I supposed to do Gibbs?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You could have called me?"

Ziva sighed. She was aware of the occasional abruptness of her actions, and she knew that her ways weren't always the gentlest ones, but that was just how she worked. And it somehow felt unfair to her that, just because she wasn't all sweetness and circumspection, her caring for others wasn't even taken as such. "Tony is really angry with me." she said quietly, and the memory of the way he had looked at her made her grimace.

Gibbs rolled his eyes. "What did you expect, Ziva. He's a grown man and you made a nurse shoot morphine into his IV line when he was in no condition to do something about it. What do you think DiNozzo's ego might look like these days?"

"Is that why you didn't stop him? Because you didn't want to hurt his pride?" Ziva asked sternly.

Gibbs averted his eyes under her gaze. "Maybe." he replied softly, and it was more to himself that he said it.

Seeing his reaction, Ziva decided not to press on. "So you think, too, that I did the wrong thing?" she asked instead.

Gibbs flashed her a glance. "I didn't say that." he replied, and, with a smirk on his lips, pressed the button once again.

"Probie? What are you doing on up there?"

McGee almost fell off the ladder he was balancing on. "Jeez, Tony!" he moaned, once recovered from his shock. "Never do that again, okay! Weren't you asleep until a moment ago?"

"Oh I'm sorry, McGee, I should have said something before I actually said something.. – Why are you grinning at me like a baboon?"

McGee was grinning like a baboon because he had just realized how good it felt to hear Tony's voice again – even though it sounded much huskier and weaker than usual. "Well I, um... I guess I'm just glad to you see again, Tony."

"Why, good to see you too, Tim." Tony smiled. "The view is a bit weird though. I know I should get used to the perspective, but don't you think the ladder is a bit of an overkill?"

"Oh. I, uh..." McGee hastily climbed off the ladder and circled the bed to stand next to Tony. He noticed his partner's face turning unreadable for a moment as he was watching him from his horizontal position. "I thought I'd install a DVD player for you..." Tim began to explain. "Gibbs said that you have to, um, still lie flat for a while, so I thought... I know how much you hate cable TV only, so... I brought you some collections, Bond and Magnum P.I. ... and I was going to adjust the angle of the the screen, so that it's more parallel to you. Yeah, um, hope it works." Why did he suddenly feel so embarrassed?

Tony gazed at him quietly for a second, having something going on behind his eyes McGee couldn't quite identify. "Thank you, Tim." he said softly.

McGee nodded. "You're welcome." He couldn't help but notice that there was something missing from Tony's smile, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. And there was something in his eyes that made McGee hurt inside.

Now that Tony was awake, Tim was glad he had had time to recover from his shock of seeing Tony so fragile while the other man had been asleep. DiNozzo had always been able to detect even the smallest insecurity in him with one glance – and the gasp, the few hard swallows and the telling himself to stop acting like a baby when he had entered the hospital room for the first time, would have been quite difficult to hide. But every time McGee had come to the hospital, Tony had been sleeping. "Did I wake you up, by the way?" Tim now asked. "Sorry if I made too much noise with the ladder and stuff."

Tony slightly shook his head. "Don't worry about it." he said, suddenly sounding very exhausted. "I think I'm gonna dope off pretty soon again anyway."

McGee nodded and then looked around. "Um, is there anything else I can get you? Anything from your apartment? Oh and I have to warn you, Abby will probably be bringing a whole bunch of decoration items with her the next time she comes in. Positive energy, you know, that kind of stuff." He turned to look at Tony again and raised his eyebrows at what he saw. "Pretty soon, huh." he mumbled and, chuckling softly, climbed back on his ladder.

When Gibbs was there, they never talked much. Usually he just sat in the uncomfortable chair and drank coffee. Sometimes he read something, sometimes they watched TV – although neither of them was really watching. Tony's gaze was mostly somewhere else, somewhere in the void, where it was hard to reach him. And he continued with keeping his eyes closed a lot of the time, even when he wasn't asleep. Gibbs had a feeling that it didn't only have to do with the pain, or the dizziness that sometimes came over him. No, it seemed like a simple way to shut the others out, and to shut the hospital out; the hospital which was the most brutal reminder that all of this was real.

Gibbs just let him, for all kinds of reasons. One was that he didn't want to force Tony to talk, not if staying quiet and keeping his eyes closed was maybe what he needed right now. Everyone had their own way to deal with this, and maybe the best was to just give Tony time. Another reason was that Gibbs, even if he hated to admit it to himself, still felt strangely helpless. Doing something wrong now was the last thing he wanted, and yet the nagging feeling that maybe something, anything had to be done kept coming back to him. Seeing his usually so energetic and talkative agent like this worried Gibbs. It hurt, and it was unsettling. He hoped that Tony's retreat would pass, but what if it wouldn't? What if DiNozzo had already given up?

"Boss?", Tony's hoarse voice rang through the silence in the hospital room at once. "What's his name?"

Gibbs took a long sip of his coffee, considering how to react. He had wondered when that moment would come. Pretending not to follow, he gazed questioningly at Tony.

"Don't, Gibbs." Tony said softly, not buying the act at all.

Gibbs furrowed his brow and raised from the chair to sit on Tony's bed. "His name is Peter MacCane. The first time I arrested him was ten years ago." He paused, unsure what to else say and doubting if it was a good idea to tell Tony more.

But Tony was already pressing on. "What did you arrest him for?"

"Homicide." Gibbs said shortly, not wanting to go into the topic of MacCane's twisted ways.

Tony sighed. "Stop acting like I'm made of china, Gibbs." he said, a provocative look in his eyes.

"Oh I know you're not, DiNozzo." Gibbs said, shaking his head. "I just don't know what the point of telling you about this is."

"Well, maybe I just want to get to know the guy who put a bullet in my spine." Tony replied sarcastically.

Gibbs said nothing and concentrated on his coffee.

"Why did he do it, Boss?" Tony whispered eventually, and Gibbs knew he wasn't talking about the murder ten years ago. He swallowed and lowered his gaze. He wished he could give Tony a real answer to that, an answer that didn't sound like a bad joke. So he helplessly shook his head and looked at him with sorrowful eyes. "He's just an insane bad guy. There's no other reason why he did it, Tony." Tony looked away and exhaled shakily.

They both lapsed into silence, and the white room was filled with unspoken anger and grief. It felt to Gibbs as if Tony's pain was lowering itself onto them like a heavy mist, withdrawing all air to breathe. Tony had closed his eyes once again; and Gibbs couldn't tell whether it was from exhaustion or because he had backed away into his dark place again. So he sank back into his chair in the corner and waited.

He didn't know how much time had passed when Tony was suddenly looking at him again. "You don't have to do this, Boss, you know", he said quietly. "Sit here all the time."

"Don't you think that's for me to decide, DiNozzo?" Gibbs murmured.

Tony averted his gaze, biting his lips. "Look, I know you mean well, Boss, but... I just don't want you to feel like... " he trailed off, apparently feeling uncomfortable with what he was going to say.

Gibbs flinched inwardly. It was so like Tony to think that someone would stay with him only because they felt obliged to. "Do you want me to leave, Tony?" he asked softly.

Tony didn't answer right away. He seemed to be struggling with himself somehow. He exhaled slowly, looking at his Boss. "No." he said shyly. "Not really."

Gibbs nodded and leaned back in his chair. "Good. Because I wouldn't leave either way, Tony." he said gently. "Not even if you were throwing things at me."

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