Chapter title taken from the song "Many Miles" by Bella Morte from the album "As the Reasons Die".

"All this will seem strange and small

Hope in the end is something more"

-Bella Morte

"Yo! Anyone home?"

I walked through the front door of Sam and Emily's house without waiting for an answer. Like everyone else in La Push, their door was rarely locked. It made sense for Sam and Emily as members of Sam's pack were in and out all day long. It used to be that I was as comfortable at the Uley house as I was at my own. After I had chosen to join Jacob's pack though, things had become a bit strained. I still got along with the members of Sam's pack, but I think they felt I had jumped the ship when I switched my loyalty to Jacob and we weren't as close as we once were. Jacob, Seth, Quil, Leah, and I had pretty much stopped coming over to Sam's house until Emily had learned about my falling out with my mother. After that she had insisted on making me come over for dinner at least once a week. I would have been pissed about her treating me like a little kid, not to mention a pitiful charity case, but I really liked getting a free meal that wasn't consumed from a cardboard box.

I whistled a little tune as I put my contribution to that night's dinner – Cool Ranch Doritos, you can never go wrong with chips- on the kitchen counter and wound my way towards the living room.

"Hello?" Still not hearing a reply I figured no one was home and started to head back out when there was a sudden clambering from the back of the house. I stopped, my head tilted to the side, my eyes narrowed. I could feel my body beginning to tremble as the ruckus continued. I caught the whiff of an unfamiliar scent permeating the air. It smelled like an animal. My senses were on high alert and I instinctively crouched into a defensive stance. Suddenly a door slammed open from the rear of the house and I heard the pounding of a monster racing towards me followed by a shout of "CODY NO!"

I growled low and deep in my chest, preparing myself for the beast to show itself. Then suddenly it was there, racing towards me with no apparent intention of stopping. I shot straight up like an arrow. "Holy Mary Mother of God!" I shouted and jumped up on the kitchen counter as the ugliest creature I have ever seen skidded into the kitchen.

Emily came racing in behind it still calling, "CODY!"

"What in the name of all that is holy is that thing!" I shouted pointing at the beast that was jumping up on its hind legs, trying desperately to reach me on the counter.

"Jesus, Embry, it's a dog," Emily said.

"Since when do you have a dog? And are you sure that thing is a dog?" I scooted further back on the counter until I was impeded by the cabinets and could move no further.

"CODY! NO!" Emily grabbed the 'dog' by its collar and tugged. "We got him yesterday," She informed me in between attempts to pull the animal away from the counter.

"From where?" I yelled. "Hell Beasts 'R' Us?"

Emily frowned, still struggling with the dog. "You shouldn't judge. You and Cody are practically related."

I gawped at her. "The hell we are!"

Emily finally managed to get the struggling animal under control. "Embry, you're going to bust my counter. Get down from there."

I shook my head. "No way. Not until that thing is put away. Far away."

Emily grinned. "Are you…..are you afraid of the dog?"

"What was your first clue?" I shouted. "The panic on my face? The fact that I'm standing on your kitchen counter?"

She burst out laughing.

I scowled at her. "Are you laughing at me?"

Emily nodded, tears beginning to leak from her eyes.

"Well what's so damn funny?" I demanded.

"Embry! You're….you're….," her words dissolved into another laughing fit.

"WHAT?"

"You're afraid of a little dog? You've fought vampires, you turn into a giant wolf, and yet you're afraid of a Labradoodle?"

"A what now?" I stared at her, the word foreign to me.

"A Labradoodle. A Labrador Poodle mix." She laughed again.

I pointed at the dog, a look of disgust on my face. "You mean someone made that on purpose?" I spat. "Who's the sick and twisted person who did that?"

"Embry? What the hell are you doing?"

I turned to look at Sam who had just walked through the door, Logan tucked snugly in his arms.

"Embry's afraid of Cody," Emily snickered.

My pride took a hit at that. The last thing I needed was for Sam to hear I was afraid of his stupid dog because then his whole pack would know and I'd never live it down. "Well, I'm not afraid per say. I was just….startled is all," I finished lamely. I chanced another glance down at the dog. He was sitting on his haunches staring up at me expectantly.

"You're afraid of the dog?" Sam asked.

"NO!" I shouted. "It just…it came running and I…..it was instinct."

"Instinct to jump up on the kitchen counter?" Sam snorted.

I inched my way across the counter to the end furthest from the dog and nimbly jumped down. The dog stood up quickly and I prepared myself to jump right back on the counter if it took a step towards me. "Just keep that thing away from me."

"Wow, I can't believe you're afraid of the dog," Sam shook his head slowly, his body quaking with laughter. "I guess now I'm glad you picked Jacob's pack over mine. I don't need any wussies."

I winced at his mention of my picking Jacob over him but said nothing because…..touché. I knew it was still something that irked him. I think he had always questioned my loyalty to him the minute Jake had deserted the pack and became Alpha in his own right. Even though he never said it out loud, Sam's thoughts had betrayed him the day he sent Collin in my place to the negotiations between the two packs. He hadn't trusted me to come back to him. And he had been right to not trust me because I had ditched him for Jacob in the end. I know it was only because of Emily's intervention that Sam allowed me to come over once a week for dinner.

I slouched over to the kitchen table and slumped into a chair.

Sam fussily arranged Logan in his high chair and then joined me.

"So," he cleared his throat. "Have you talked to your mother?" He asked gruffly.

Oh my God. Seriously?

I scowled at him. "She tell you to ask me that?" I jerked my head at Emily who was shoving Cody out the side door of the house. "Because I already had this conversation with Dear Abby over there and I told her I would handle it."

Sam scratched his ear and said, "Well no offense Embry, but your way of handling it is by avoidance."

I narrowed my eyes. "Have you been watching Dr. Phil?" I accused.

"No," he said, reaching down to absently pick up the spoon Logan had tossed onto the floor. "I just know how you are. You're going to have to make amends with her eventually."

"Sam's right," Emily said as she joined us at the table.

"You know what? No matter how much you two love each other, my hate for you both will always be stronger," I grumped.

"Again with the avoidance. You always toss out some smartass comment to get people to drop a subject that makes you uncomfortable, but it's not going to work. Not this time." Sam informed me.

I slapped my hand over my heart. "God you are so right. I am avoiding it. Sam…..it's like you're a conduit into my very soul." I dropped my hand and blew a raspberry.

Sam tossed his hands in the air. "I give up," he growled.

I gave myself a mental high five. Sam was so easy to break I almost felt bad. Almost. I paused in my mental congratulations however when I noticed Emily giving me a disgusted glare.

I made a come on gesture at her. "Bring it on."

"Fine. I think you're scared. I think you're a scared little boy who needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions."

"Let me just stop you right there before you continue to rip a page right out of Psychology for Beginners. I didn't do anything. I kept a secret that you-"Here I stabbed a finger at Sam, "-told me I had to keep. In fact you made it so that I couldn't tell her even if I wanted to. Within the span of one week I found out that I was a freak of nature and that my mother had been lying to me my whole life about who my father was. I think I handled that with an enormous amount of both dignity and aplomb considering the circumstances. Meanwhile my mother's behavior reflected her evolution into the meanest bitch that Bette Davis never played. So I ask you, why do I have to be the bigger person here?"

"Because she's your mother," Emily said simply. "That's why. You only get one. Just think about talking to her, okay?"

I groaned and scrubbed my face briskly with my hands. "No, I can't talk to her. She's irrational."

"She's not irrational. She's a mother who saw her son slipping away and it terrified her. I honestly believe she thought if she played you hard handed she would get you to open up to her. I hate to tell you this darling, but you are not the easiest person to talk to. You're aloof, you're distant, and you are quite frankly very cold."

"Wow Emily, do you need to borrow a quarter for that judgment call? And by the way all those words mean the same thing."

"You know what Embry? Forget it. I'm obviously not getting through to you at all." Emily's shoulders slumped in defeat.

I chewed my lip and stared at the table. I hate to admit it but her assessment of my personality left me feeling vaguely unsettled. I realize I'm not the most amicable of people, but I don't think I'm cold. It actually hurt a little that Emily thought that of me.

"All right," I said with a sigh. "I'll think about it, okay? I can't make any promises, but I will really take your advice into consideration." I hated that I was rolling over so easily, but it seemed pointless to belabor the topic anymore. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to take a stab at talking to my mother.

"Will you really? Or are you just saying that to placate me?"

"Look who you're talking to. Do I ever do anything to placate anyone?"

"Not usually," she said.

"Well there you go then." I rubbed my hands together. "Okay woman now where's my dinner?"

Sam slapped me upside the head. "Do not refer to my wife as 'woman'," he chastised.

I rubbed the back of my head. "All right, all right, geez. No need to get violent."

I stood on the beach for a long time staring at the souvenir store where my mother worked. From my position I could hear everything that was going on inside the shop. I could hear my mother chatting with a group of tourists, I could hear the shuffling of feet as people wandered around the small store, I could even pick out my mother's heartbeat. I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans and leaned against a stand of rocks. I turned my eyes from the store and looked out across the water. It was a gloomy day and the water was a menacing black color, the waves that lapped onto the beach churning with a grayish foam.

I heard my mother tell someone to have a good day and glanced back at the store. I had been waiting nearly an hour for the steady stream of visitors to leave so I could go in. I was silently wishing another flock would descend on the store so I could put off seeing my mother for as long as possible.

My relationship with my mother up until a year ago had been decent. I used to have a lot of respect for her. She had moved to La Push from Neah Bay when she was pregnant with me to start a new life among strangers. She had raised me with no help from anyone and she never got a chance to really live her life before she became a single mom. I sometimes think she regrets having me. When I was younger I would notice that every once in a while she would get this look in her eyes. A sort of sad, faraway look. I think that look said she wished she had more in her life than a bastard son and a dead end job at a souvenir shop on a beach. Even when I saw that look though, and knew that in some way I was a part of why she was sad, I never lost respect for her.

That was until the day I learned I was a wolf. My whole life my mother had told me she had moved away from the Makah reservation to get away from my father. When I phased, I realized that my father was Quileute, which meant everything my mother had ever told me about myself was a lie. It was hard enough at sixteen to deal with my destiny with the pack. But the worst part of it all was that phasing made me lose the respect I had for my mother. She was the only family I had and she had betrayed me. It was bad enough not having a father, but to realize that the man my mother had told me about for years didn't even exist was a tremendous blow. To this day I still don't know who my real father is. I have a hunch, but truthfully I don't even care anymore.

I watched as the last customer walked out of the souvenir store and then heard my mother humming to herself as she moved about the aisles. I took a deep breath and pushed myself off the rocks. I walked with trepidation towards the store. I honestly didn't know how my mother would react to seeing me. The last time we had spoken had been because I ran into her at the gas station a couple of months ago. We had exchanged hellos and how are yous before I had made a quick escape. Aside from that run in I hadn't seen her in over six months. I scuffled my way across the boardwalk and grabbed the door handle. After a moment's hesitation I pushed it open and walked inside.

I hadn't been inside the store in over a year and it was a little comforting to see that not much had changed. I heard my mother moving towards the front of the store. I leaned against the small counter to wait for her.

"Hi, can I help….." My mother's voice trailed off and she clasped her hands to her chest. "Embry," she whispered.

"Hey, Ma," I said.

My mother wrung her hands nervously. "This is such a surprise. I didn't expect…..well I didn't think," she broke off again and just stared. I saw several emotions battling for dominance on her face. The one that bugged me the most was the fear I saw in her eyes.

I busied myself with straightening up a stack of postcards on the counter as I spoke. "Yeah, I just figured, you know, I'd stop in. I was in the neighborhood."

My mother took a few tentative steps towards me. "I'm glad you did," she said softly.

I sighed and looked up from the counter. "So how have you been, Ma?"

"Everything's been fine, fine."

Translation: Everything has in fact not been fine. It amazed me that even after nearly a year of estrangement; I could still read my mother like an open book. I rubbed my eyes slowly. "So how's business?"

"Oh you know it's picking up. Tourist season and all." She shuffled closer to me and I watched as she gazed up into my eyes.

I shook my head as soon as I realized she was checking my pupils. "I'm not stoned, Ma," I said exasperatedly.

My mother at least had the decency to look chastised.

Back in the beginning when I was sneaking out of the house, my mother had become convinced that I was on drugs. She had caught me smoking pot once a couple of months before I first phased and had clung to that as an explanation for my behavior. It developed into a daily argument between us up until the time I moved out.

"I didn't say anything," she said.

"You were checking."

"Well I worry about you, Embry. You're my son and I still love you, no matter what," she said in a sudden rush.

"Oh my God," I muttered. Unbelievable. She actually still thinks it's drugs.

"I just think that if we got you some help," she added. "We could go right now-"

"Ma-"I tried to interrupt but she was on a roll.

"Do you have anything on you? We can throw it away together."

I gave her an incredulous look. "Yeah, ten grams of meth and twenty ounces of heroin," I snapped sarcastically.

My mother's hand flew up to cover her mouth. "Are you serious?" She gasped.

"I knew this was a mistake," I said. Shaking my head, I turned back to the door.

"No, Embry wait!" My mother shouted. "Please just talk to me!"

I turned back and glared at her. "About what? My obvious drug addiction? Do you honestly think so little of me? Do you?"

She threw her hands up in frustration. "Well what in the hell am I supposed to think, Embry? Tell me! You were out all hours of the night, you started lying all the time, you stopped looking me in the eyes! I didn't even know my own son anymore!"

"What do you want from me? I had stuff to deal with that didn't concern you! Stuff you wouldn't understand!" I yelled.

"Then help me understand! I need to know what happened to you! You were always such a good kid, and then overnight you changed. Everything about you changed. Your looks, your personality, everything. Even now you're different. I can feel how warm you are, it's radiating off of you like a furnace."

She reached forward to touch my arm, but I jerked out of her grasp. "So you just automatically assumed that I'm doing drugs? I mean gee Ma, thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Just give me something, please Embry. Just give me anything," she begged.

"What, something other than my complete and utter contempt?" I barked. When her face crumpled at my harsh words a wave of guilt swept through me.

My mother took a shuddering breath, a look of hurt etched on her face. "I only want to help you," she whispered.

"I don't need help. I've been doing just fine on my own."

"Embry, I just want to be a part of your life again. I'm your mother. I want to be here for you." Her face was drawn and she suddenly looked twenty years older than she was.

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Look," I finally said. "Let's just…let's just start over." I opened my eyes and gazed at her. "I came here to see how you were doing. I came here to let you know that I'm doing fine. I'm working, I'm in school…..I'm fine. I'm not doing drugs, I haven't knocked anyone up, and I haven't been arrested for anything."

"You're in school? I didn't know that," she said quietly.

"What, you didn't pry that out of Emily when you talked to her the other day?"

She shook her head. "No, I just asked her to talk to you. Everyone you know is so closed mouthed when I ask any questions about you. I assumed it was because they didn't want me to know the truth."

"That I'm a drug addict?" I asked. "Don't you realize how it makes me feel that you think the worst of me?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know what else to think. I'll tell you that I'm sorry a thousand times if you need me to. I just want to know my son again. I'm begging you to let me into your life. Don't keep shutting me out."

"It's not that easy," I said with a sigh.

"I only want a second chance. Please. I miss my son." The desperation in her voice was heartbreaking.

It hit me that I wasn't being entirely fair to my mother. After she had caught me smoking pot, the lying and sneaking around had begun. It only made sense that she would cling to that as an explanation for my behavior. I in turn had clung to the fact that I was pissed that my own mother didn't know me well enough to realize that my problems had nothing to do with drugs. I realized that I wasn't pissed at her for thinking that was the reason I had become distant. I was pissed because I couldn't confront her about what was truly making me angry. She had lied to me about my father. Plain and simple, I was angry that she lied about my father and I couldn't talk to her about it. It didn't make the fact that she had lied to me any easier to swallow, but I also knew deep down that it wasn't rational for me to keep punishing her. And to be honest…..in a lot of ways, I missed her too.

I leaned forward onto the counter; my hands clasped together, my head hanging. "I can't make any promises," I said slowly. I looked over at her. "I can't make any promises because I might not be able to keep them."

"All I'm asking is that you try," she said.

"What about you?" I asked. "Will you try?"

"Embry, I've been trying for a year," she reminded me.

I couldn't really argue that point. When I had left home she had called me every day for two months. I call screened like a rock star to avoid her. She had also shown up on our doorstep every day for three months. I made Quil be the bad guy while I slipped out the back door. After a while the daily calls and drop ins became less and less frequent. After six months they had stopped all together. In her defense, I hadn't made any of this easy on her.

I stood up. "I promise that I'll try," I resolved.

She gave me a hopeful look. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean you gave birth to me, it's the least I can do." I paused. "Sorry, it's a bad time to joke."

"No it was just a bad joke," she said with a small smile.

The corners of my mouth twitched. "Yeah, it wasn't one of my better efforts."

My mother reached forward again and this time I let her pat me clumsily on the arm. "I'm really glad you came in," she said. "I know we have a lot to work out and it means the world to me that you took the first step." She smiled again.

I knew none of this was going to be easy and I didn't have any delusions that things between my mother and I would ever be the same again, but in that one moment, I remembered something important. Something that Emily had been saying over and over again.

"Well you know…you're my mom. I only get one."