Hey everybody. Long time no see , I know. But I'm still here, and still not abandoning the story. Sorry it always takes so long, but I'm one of those writers who have to really, really *feel* it. I hope you're still interested, even after all this time.

Chapter 11

"How does that feel? Any pain? Nausea?"

Tony clenched his jaw, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block out the feeling of falling forward .

He heard the nurse sigh. "Tony, this is not going to work if I don't get any feedback from you. It's important that you tell me if this is too much."

A warm and firm hand squeezed his shoulder. "DiNozzo. Come on."

The calmness in Gibbs' voice made him open his eyes. Immediately the room began to spin and he felt the bile threatening to rise.

"What's wrong?" He heard Gibbs ask the nurse, but his voice seemed strangely far and engulfed by some ringing noise.

"Tony?", He felt the nurse's hand on his forearm. "I'm going to lower the angle a bit, all right? You wanna take long, deep breaths, okay?"

The ringing noise grew louder as he felt the bed beneath himself shift. 'Stop', he wanted to tell her, but his tongue didn't obey him and his lips felt strangely numb. It took all his concentration and strength to whisper the one word he needed to hear her: "Sick".

The moment he said it he felt the bile rise and he started to retch. Too late, he thought, and was sure he was going to choke on his own vomit. But somehow, as if they had speedy superpowers, two practiced hands immediately turned him onto his side in one swift movement; and from the opposite side of the bed two other hands, warm and firm, supported his weight and cupped his head.

When there was nothing more in him to throw up and the nurse was sure the sickness had subsided, she gave Gibbs a nod and together they eased Tony gently onto his back again.

Gibbs' face appeared over him. A deep worry line ran across his forehead as he patted Tony's arm.

From the right side, the nurse's face came into his field of vision. "Better?" she asked him a little too loud, probably apprehending to get no reaction again.

Tony nodded.

Like from out of nowhere, she produced a damp cloth which she placed on his forehead. The coolness was an unexpected relief and he heard himself sigh involuntarily.

"There you go. Now if you think you can hold it down, I'm gonna give you a sip of water. What do you say?"

Again, nodding was all he managed.

She held a cup to his lips and slightly supported his head as he drank. The water helped to revive his parched throat. After two sips she took the cup away and he licked his lips. With a shaky hand he took the damp cloth from his forehead and wiped his face with it. Only now he dared to lift his gaze. "I'm sorry." he croaked.

The nurse shook her head and smiled reassuringly. "It's a very common reaction, Tony. You've been lying completely flat for almost two months now. It takes a moment until your body gets used to being half upright again."

She paused and her gaze became stern. "But do you understand now why it's so important that you tell us how you're feeling? We need to know whenever you feel pain, when you feel sick, even when you feel fine. Rehab is team work, and we can't work with you without your help."

Tony hated it, but he suddenly felt like crying. What had become of him? I used to be a man once. He averted his eyes from the nurse's gaze.

She mistook the reaction as stubbornness and sighed. "Or lets put it this way: If you don't talk to us, we can only guess and work with what we see. It can somehow work that way, but let me tell you, the results won't be half as good as when you make this a two-way street."

The more she talked, the more ashamed Tony felt. What was he supposed to say? He was exhausted and had just humiliated himself - once again. Did he really have to spell it out for her? It took all his emotional effort to meet her stare again. "I said I was sorry." he said pointedly, his voice huskier than he would have liked it to sound.

"This is not about criticizing you, Agent DiNozzo. Stop apologizing."

The last statement earned her a chuckle from Gibbs, who had been watching the exchange silently. When Tony turned to look at him, his gaze fell upon the mess he had made on the left side of his bed. His cheeks turned red. And I can't even clean it up myself.

The nurse read his mind. "Don't worry about it. I'm just gonna clean you up very quickly and then give you some time to rest. We'll make another try with raising the bed up a little in an hour."

When she saw the alarm in his eyes, she quickly added: "We're going to take it very slow, Tony. But we've got to get your circulation flexible again. Okay?"

He attempted to form a smile. "Okay."

After the nurse had changed the sheets and helped Tony out of his dirty T-Shirt and into a new one, she left the room.

When they finally were alone, Gibbs sat on the edge of Tony's bed and looked his young friend in the eyes. "It's gonna get better, Tony."

To that, Tony could only snort. "Oh? Thanks."

"Shutting down's not gonna help you here, DiNozzo -"

Tony cut him off. "You have no idea how hard I'm trying, Gibbs."

"I know you do. But you're trying the wrong way. You're trying so hard not to let anyone but me see how you feel that you actually do yourself more harm than good."

Tony clenched his teeth and looked away.

"This is rehab, Tony."

"Rehab? I had no idea! Thanks for telling me, Gibbs. I see things so much clearer now."

Gibbs rolled his eyes at the sarcasm. "If you hadn't just puked all over the place, I'd head-slap you right now, DiNozzo."

The remark took Tony a bit off the edge. He held Gibbs' gaze and shrugged, exhausted. "What am I supposed to do, Gibbs. I can't ... I ...I don't know how to...I..."

Gibbs grabbed his forearm with sudden vehemence. "Stop thinking that you've got to be stronger than the rest, DiNozzo!"

Tony stared at him, blankly.

"You wanna know what you're supposed to do, Tony?", Gibbs continued with intenstiy. "You're supposed to DEAL. Not dealing with stuff may have worked in the past; when your mother died; when Kate died; Paula... - It's not gonna work now, DiNozzo. This is not gonna go away. You won't just be able to forget this. This is reality. You're a paraplegic, and you're in rehab. Deal with it."

For what seemed like an eternity to Gibbs, Tony said nothing. His face had turned bright pink and his eyes were glassy, but he didn't move. Gibbs was waiting for the explosion, convinced that Tony would start yelling at him any second. But Tony remained still, and after swallowing long and hard, he said soflty: "Please go. I'd like to be alone."

Gibbs furrwoed his brow and stood up from the edge of the bed. "See you tomorrow, Tony."

Tony nodded slightly and blinked hard. "Yeah. Tomorrow."

After Gibbs had closed the door behind him, Tony continued to lie still. He didn't make a sound. Then he grabbed the cup of water on his bedside tray. He threw it across the room so that it shattered with a loud noise as it hit the wall.

Then he cried.

When the nurse returned after an hour, he said: "I smashed the cup".

She nodded in understanding. "You got angry, huh."

"Yeah."

Afterwards, as she was slowly rising his bed-head, he told her: "It feels like I'm falling forward..."

The nurse smiled.

To be continued

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