The first time he realized that he couldn't live without Sasuke was just after Sasuke left for Orochimaru.

Naruto lay on his bed quietly. He didn't want to go outside, he didn't want to eat, and, most of all, he didn't want to move. Sakura had told him he was just feeling sorry for himself, but that was only the pot calling the kettle black. He had sat in his room, on his bed for a couple of days now. He refused to rest in the hospital as Lady Tsunade had suggested. She said his condition was something akin to post-traumatic stress having gone through a lot of it herself. He didn't want to be in the hospital because he didn't want the nurses and doctors to bother him while he lay in his bed. Iruka had done some of that in the beginning, but Kakashi had finally stopped his mother hen tendencies, thankfully, by saying that Naruto was just mourning the loss of a good friend.

His reason for lying in his bed, eating nothing, and not moving was because he was punishing himself. Not because he felt bad about losing Sasuke. Not because he had some sort of post-traumatic stress from the fight. Not because he was mourning the loss of a friend, or even the man that he loved. He was punishing himself because he had let those people come with him to try and get Sasuke back when he should have gone alone and died alone. He was punishing himself for leaving those people alone to fight off such strong enemies by themselves. He was punishing himself because they almost died because he was too selfish and wanted to see Sasuke one last time before he had left. He was punishing himself because he was not dead.

They didn't know what his true intentions were. They didn't know the reason he did not want to be bothered. They didn't know the reason he had starved himself of food for several days. He was just waiting for those people who almost died for Sasuke, because they would've never given their life for him, were healed enough that they were not in any danger of dying. He had been waiting for Neji to wake up until just a few moments ago. He had received a visit from Hinata who was so excited that she just had to tell him this instant. He listened to her as she talked about how Neji was responding well to treatment and had just woken up a couple of hours before. Than when she left Naruto turned his head, looked straight at her, and smiled cheerfully. He did not speak because at the moment he had nothing to say, but at that moment she seemed to brighten up even further and she rushed out of the door almost immediately. That had been almost six hours ago.

Naruto had waited to see if anyone else would disturb his isolation to tell him of the good news until it was midnight and he was sure that no one else would come to visit until it was too late. He stood from his bed and the first thing that caught his eye was the only picture that he had ever had in his room. It was the picture of team seven which had both him and Sasuke in it. He smiled and picked up the framing only to find that he could not hold onto it from lack of strength and he dropped it onto the ground. The glass shattered and the picture ripped to show a more true representation of himself. The glass covered Sasuke's form easily making him the spotlight of attention while Naruto, who's fake smile had been ripped off was encompassed by many shards making him look broken. Naruto's smile turned into a laugh as he looked at the picture. After all, that had been how their life truly was.

He made his way into the kitchen, not bothering to clean up the mess his picture made, and dug through the drawers for his sharpest knife. He would have used his kunai but they had Sasuke's blood on them and he didn't want to soil anything that was part of Sasuke. He ran his finger across the blade as it bit into his skin and frowned as he watched his wound heal. Even this blade, which he had almost never used but liked to keep sharpened anyway, was too dull to do the job that he wanted. He dug through his drawers again to find the sharpener and then walked back to his bed wincing as one of the glass shards struck his foot allowing a little bit of blood to leak out and drip onto his picture where his own heart was.

He sat on his bed and thought about what he was going to do as he sharpened the knife slowly. He was not having second thoughts. After all, he couldn't live without Sasuke. His whole life had been centered around Sasuke. He had a 'crush' on Sakura because she was the only one who Sasuke really couldn't avoid so he had to spend more time trying to get her away from him. He had a rivalry with Sasuke because he was trying to get Sasuke's mind off of all the attention from other people. He trained with Jiraiya because he didn't want Kakashi-sensei to think that he was too weak and not train Sasuke because of it. Heck, even his ramen obsession was because he had to eat quickly if he was to be able to find Sasuke before any of the fangirls did. But now his life meant nothing. Sasuke was gone. Sasuke didn't need him anymore. He was useless. He was nothing more than a burden and because of that he decided that he would end it all.

"There's no need for such a rash decision," said the voice in his head that, he had come to learn, was Kyuubi trying to coax him to let the demon out, "Don't you want to try and get Sasuke back? Don't you want to save him? Orochimaru's going to take his body if you don't do anything about it. There's no need to feel weak. I can lend you my power and then we can both defeat Orochimaru together. Don't you want that? Don't you want to save the man you love? You know you can't do it alone, but I can help you if you just release me. I can save your lover."

Naruto laughed as he ran the blade over his finger once more and it made a deep gash. "I'm not stupid Kyuubi," he said aloud, "I know Sasuke doesn't need me. He can save himself. I'll just get in the way, and you wouldn't help anyway. You would just attack the village and destroy it. Unfortunately, even though he's gone now, this is still Sasuke's hometown and I won't let you take that from him."

"Stupid child," growled Kyuubi, "You live for this man yet he hates you. You can live for any other person because they all hate you as well, or you could live for me and I can make all your dreams come true."

Naruto laughed again choosing not to answer the demon as he plunged the knife deep into his gut. He heard Kyuubi screaming in pain, but he could not feel anything. He was numb from the excitement that his punishment was finally over and that he could finally end his life with no one to bother him except for the creature who was going to die with him. Perhaps he was doing a service for the village, but he really didn't care about that. All's he cared about was not being a useless burden who was only a shell of a life that once was because his life was taken from him when Sasuke left.

"Stop it stupid child," screamed the demon as Naruto twisted the knife in his stomach and he was almost impressed at its ability to do that much, "You're doing this all for some useless emotion. You humans are idiots. I will never understand your stupid emotions. I will definitely never understand love."

"And you probably never will," gasped Naruto as he pulled the knife out only to plunge it back into his stomach and twist it again, "At least not while you're trying to learn it from me because I don't even think I understand."

Kyuubi was quiet and Naruto realized that it was trying to heal him so he immediately yanked out the sword and plunged it back in only to repeat it again and again until he fell unconscious. That was also the first and last time he ever tried to kill himself.

the end...except it's not the end, because i'm either awesome or stupid and i have thought of a sequel and it's so originally called Sasuke's firsts when i get it up. of course you don't have to read it if you don't want to since both of them can stand alone if they like