Chapter 5

I couldn't get Morelli out of my head until later in the day. The reason I was in such a funk was because Morelli had brought up our last fight. This fight was different than the others. Mostly because it didn't need to be a fight. It was true; I had been hormonal that day. And because I'd been like that, I hadn't been able to realize that I was arguing with him for no reason.

The argument had been about babies. Specifically, I wanted one. I couldn't see myself finally getting married to Morelli, but I knew I wanted a child. The fact that I didn't want to make the big M word commitment to Joe probably means he isn't the guy who should father my children. But he was available. Wow, I'm terrible.

I had never been the maternal sort. And there was a chance that I only wanted one because I feared I was running out of time. If I hadn't been crying through most of it, I probably could have listened to Morelli in a more rational way. He wanted a kid too, but he felt marriage should come before it. He'd also been the one to tell me that I might be acting immaturely or desperate. I had run off (or rather driven off) before I had a chance to calm down. Basically, I felt silly for running, and couldn't admit I'd been silly. Morelli was trying to help me to come back, but I was fighting it. For no reason other than the fact that I am a silly emotional woman. At least I am these days.

Lula and I went to the addresses of the FTA's, and their local hangouts. We didn't find them. That's when we finally decided to try Facebook. We went back to my apartment, and figured we'd just lounge around in my living room and look people up. When I got onto my account, there was a red word bubble type thing hovering over some icon.

"I've got a friend request?" I said, shocked. "You don't think it's one of our FTA's do you?"

"I doubt it," Lula said. I clicked on it, and Albert Kloughn's face appeared. It was a photo of him and Lisa. It looked like their background was his office. It was a webcam photo.

"Your brother-in-law has a Facebook?" Lula said astounded.

"It actually isn't that shocking if you think about it." I said. "He has a lot of free time at work when he's not giving people quarters for the washing machines." I looked further, and there was a short message.

I'm not sure if this is the right Stephanie Plum, but I thought I'd check. You know me?

-Albert

"How many Stephanie Plum's do you think he's friended?" Lula questioned.

"Is there more than one?"

"Hey, you never know."

"How'd he know I was on here?" I asked myself aloud.

"I bet he looks for you daily," Lula laughed. "Or on the hour. Look how many friends he has." I looked, he had two. My sister and my oldest neice.

"Angie has a Facebook," I stated. "That's sort of weird."

"I bet they are going to try to add you too," Lula said.

"Well, I'm not going to add them," I said.

"Really?" Lula said. "Why not?"

"I'm not taking this thing seriously," I said. "I'm just using it for work."

"So are you going to say no to Kloughn?"

"No," I said. "I'll add him. Just to be nice. It will probably make his day to have one more Facebook friend."

"That's very nice of you," Lula commented. I added him and then got out the FTA folders. I was about to type in Madga Mirren's name when some window popped up. Kloughn's name was at the top of it.

"HI!" it said.

"What the?" I said. Both Lula and I jumped. The window had made a popping sound. "He's online?"

"You're shocked?" Lula asked. "Just ignore him." I planned to do so. But then another message popped up.

"You there?" he asked. A few seconds went by. "Hello?" another message popped up.

"He's really desperate," Lula said.

"Is this the wrong Stephanie Plum?" he asked. "Just tell me and I won't bother you again."

"You better let him know it's you," Lula said. "He's going to have a panic attack."

"Okay, okay," I said. So I typed, "Yep, it's me. But I'm busy right now."

"Busy with what?" he asked.

"Working," I replied.

"Well you should probably log off then," he said. "This thing is a distraction."

"I'm using it for work," I typed fast. I figured I should just ignore his messages after this one.

"You can do that?" he asked.

"Goodbye, Albert," I said.

"Click on that tab that has the number and the green light," Lula said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Just do it," she told me. I did, and I saw Albert's name again, and an option button. "Click that other button," she said. I did, and it asked if I wanted to be offline. "Click that." And I did. "There, now we can work."

"Do I need to be online to talk to the FTA's?" I asked.

"Do you really want to keep talking to Kloughn?" Lula asked.

"No," I said.

"Then take my advice and be offline."

"Okay then." I went back to typing in Magda's name. No responses came up.

"She's 62," Lula said. "She probably doesn't even own a computer."

"Grandma Mazur is in her 70's, and she's online all the time," I said.

"Your grandma is a 10 year old in an old lady's body," Lula commented. "Go on to that Buddy guy."

"Alright," I said. And then I typed in Buddy Mayes name. "You know," I said while we were waiting for it to load. "For someone who has no time for this stuff, you've been awfully knowledgeable about Facebook,"

"I'm not an idiot," Lula said. "I took classes at the community college, I knew people who used this site."

"And they just happened to tell you how everything works?" I asked.

"Just because I said I had no time for Facebook," Lula said. "Doesn't mean I don't have one."

"What!" I said in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me? We could have used your existing account!"

"I don't want mine filled with those FTA idiots!" Lula argued. "Besides, my account is meant to be a secret from everyone. I use an alias."

"Ok, whatever, never mind," I told her. I looked back at the screen and it had finally loaded. "Okay, there are 4 options. Show me his photo from his folder." She handed it to me, and I compared him to the Facebook photos. "I think he's…the third."

"Click on it," Lula said. I went to his page, and found the friend request button. I clicked it, and it asked me if I wanted to leave a message. "Leave something cute," Lula said. "Like, 'Hey, add me!'"

"Oh yeah, that's just darling," I said sarcastically. I took her advice and sent it. "How long do you think we'll have to wait?"

"Depends how long it takes him to get online," Lula said. "He might be picky about who he adds just so you know. He might say no."

"Well that will make it a lot harder," I said.

"Maybe you should have left a sexy message," Lula suggested.

"Ew, that'd be gross," I said.

"Well, it's worth a shot." Lula said.

"I'll try that on the next guy," I said. But we both knew I wouldn't. We typed in the two remaining names. The next one was a little harder. There had been a lot of hits. But the second only had one. After we did that, I went back to my homepage. No one had said yes so far.

"Check Buddy's page," Lula said.

"He hasn't gotten online yet," I said.

"Check it," she repeated. "Trust me." I did, and everything was the same, except for one thing. The friend request button was live again.

"Wait a minute…" I got confused.

"He said no," Lula told me.

"He did?"

"Yeah."

"Should I try again?" I asked.

"If you want to make an idiot out of yourself," Lula said. "Sure." I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. But I did want to find this guy. I clicked it again, and it asked again if I wanted to send him a message. "Let me type it this time," Lula said. She reached over me and began typing. Her red hair was in my face, so I couldn't see the screen. She started to get out of my way just as she was about to click send. The message said,

Hey sexy, why didn't you add me? Your hot!

-Stephanie

"Lula!" I said embarrassed. "What's he going to think now?"

"That he should add you," Lula said.

"Jeeze," I groaned. "And you put the wrong version of your."

"I did?"

"Yeah, it's your with an apostrophe r-e."

"Like he's going to care about the spelling," Lula scoffed. "Let's go get lunch." We ordered Chinese food for a change, and then left immediately to go pick it up. When we got back to my apartment, Lula reminded me to check Facebook. Buddy hadn't added me, but it seemed I had a Facebook email.

"I hope that's not him getting annoyed," Lula said. "It sucks being yelled at, even online." I opened the message and saw it was short.

Thanks lady, but I don't know who you are or what you look like. Try adding a photo.

-Buddy.

"I need a photo," I said. I didn't have any photos on my computer, and I didn't know how to add any. I looked at my homepage. Now that Kloughn had added me, my 'newsfeed' had things in it. One of which was a photo album, with the title, 'Wedding.' I clicked on it, and photos that my mom had taken from my sister's wedding came up. I scanned them, and found one of me. I was smiling with a closed mouth full of cake.

"You look ridiculous," Lula said.

"Can I make one of these my photo?" I asked.

"Yeah, but that one? Really?" Lula asked.

"It's the only one of me in the album."

"Okay, but I doubt he'll find it sexy." She said. She took over the computer again. When she moved out of the way, I had a profile photo. A big close up of my face with cake filled cheeks.

"Nice," I said sarcastically. I friended Buddy again. This time my message was, "There, how's that?"

"This will not go well," Lula mumbled. A few minutes later, I got another message from Buddy.

Yeah, you're not my type, fatty!

-Buddy

"Okay," I said to Lula, offended. "No more bullshitting." I typed back and said,

Bond enforcement, you missed your court date.

-Stephanie

And then, Buddy added me.

"Whoa!" Lula commented. "I wasn't expecting that." I put myself online again and immediately a chat box popped up with Buddy's name on it.

"I just added you so I could tell you to buzz off!" Buddy said.

"I'm a bond enforcement officer for Vincent Plum," I typed back. "You missed your court date."

"For good reason," Buddy said. "I did nothing wrong."

"You were a part of a group robbing a bank," I told him.

"I was just driving them there," Buddy said. "They claimed we were heading to see a movie and they needed money for tickets. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"You still have to show up to court," I said. "There you can clear this all up."

"Really?" he asked.

No.

"Yes," I said.

"Okay," he typed back after half a minute. "What do I have to do?"

"Let us pick you up and take you in."

"Can't I meet you there?" he asked. "I don't want my neighbors to see me taken away."

"Sure," I said. "If you show up."

"I will," he said. "See you there." And he logged off.

"Let's go," I said to Lula. And we left.

We got to the police station and waited for Buddy.

"We are idiots," Lula finally said. She'd been oddly quiet the whole ride there.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You really think he's going to show up?" she asked. And that's when it hit me. I had been so glad that he had stopped fighting me, that what Lula was insinuating hadn't occurred to me. He had been lying.

"Dick!" I screeched.

"You or him?" Lula asked. I headed back toward Lula's car, and had her follow me.

"I knew Vinny's idea wouldn't work!" I said as we drove off.

"Hey, this could have happened to anyone," Lula said trying to cheer me up. "Let's go by his house again and see if he's home. If he was on a computer, it might have been his home one." We drove to his house, and parked down the street. Our plan was to creep up on him.

We sneaked over to his house and I got ready to knock on his door.

"Wait," Lula said. "Let's peak in his window first." We trampled through the patch of flowers and weeds near his window. Part of his curtain was open. I peaked through the opening in the space above Lula's head. Someone was sitting at a desk. We could only see the back of his head, but it looked enough like Buddy for us.

"Let's kick his door down," Lula said. "He deserves it." I sped out of his flowerbed, ran up his steps and then prepared myself to attack his door. I sized up the situation. I was about to attempt to kick it down, when the lock exploded. Lula had shot it. Not allowing myself to take a moment to get over the shock, I barged in.

"Holy shit!" Buddy said. He had backed up against the wall near his desk.

"Buddy Mayes," I said. "You're coming with me." I ran at him, and he covered his face with his hands. Which was convenient for me because I was able to cuff him.

"We better go," Lula said. "I hear a siren." We headed out just as a cop car came to the door. The cop rushed out of his car, but stopped on the sidewalk when he got a good look at us.

"Oh," he said. "You guys."

"Yep," I said.

"Someone else shot his door," Lula lied. "Not us."

"I don't believe that," the cop said. "But I'll pretend. You want me to transport him?"

"That'd be lovely," I said, and I handed Buddy off to the cop.