Notes: Clare's reaction after this chapter! :)
Clare,
I'm not good with words, you're the writer, but I'm going to try. So please just bare with me, I know I don't deserve it... but please, okay? Alright, I'm an idiot. I don't know, I freak out easily even if I pretend to be all cool and collected. I guess after that dinner, I freaked out. I'd already known it was coming because dad told me before... I should have told you, I think, because you flipped at dinner and I think if you had a warning, things might have been different.I think if your mom hadn't of reacted the way she had... you wouldn't have flipped out... I think if they had taken your feelings into consideration... there's so many different things. Like me. There's me. I shouldn't have said we should break up, but you were saying that it was wrong and freaking out and being with you is the only right thing I've ever done and you were standing there saying that it was all so wrong and I didn't think past my own pain and anger that it was your mother talking. And by time I said it and you had that sad look in your eyes and I knew that I couldn't take that back, so I ran. Because you see, Clare, I'm good at running. I'm so good at it and every bit of you kept me from running before I did but now I'd screwed up and I knew I'd hurt you. Hurting you has always been the last thing I've ever wanted to do, but lately it seems to be the only thing I've done.
I was leaving and hurting. I'd heard about the shooting and I was pissed at myself because... because what if that had been you. But it wasn't and you were okay and the whole night sucked so badly and... I don't know. I called you sis and it was stupid because I am stupid and I figured it'd be best if we both got used to it and I suck, okay? I'm... so, so sorry.
And yet, that isn't even the worst of it.
Alli.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm... sorry doesn't even cover it. I'm horrible. I'm... We were both in pain. Me over you, her over Dave. It doesn't make it right or any better. It's not an excuse, either. I know I've been making a lot of excuses for myself and I'm the biggest jackass to ever walk this earth and I'm just so sorry, Clare. I can't do this anymore, I can't... not be around you or be around you and see you look at me with those eyes that are so sad and hurt and just... looking at me like I'm the absolute worst person ever. Even if I am. I can't handle it. I don't care what our parents say. I want them to be happy, I do. They deserve it. But what about us? It's not wrong. We're not wrong, Clare.
Tell me how to fix this. Tell me how to make this better. Tell me how I can make you not hate me and be able to look into your beautiful eyes again. Just... I need you.
Please, Clare? I'm an idiot, but I'm an idiot who is completely in love with you and nobody else has ever made me feel this way. I don't want this to be our ending. I don't want an ending, Clare. I just want you.
Come find me when you read this, even if you don't forgive me. Because I know that's going to take a long time. But I do think we should talk... whenever you're ready.
I love you, Clare.
-Jake