Chapter 23: Monster...

(Argh! I know I said Byakuya would be making an important decision...and he will soon, but first, he has some things to deal with...)

XXXXXXXXXX

You have gone, but your words still echo in my mind and your cruelty still torments my heart. And when I look in the mirror, it is your face that looks back at me...and smiles at my helplessness...

XXXXXXXXXX

Byakuya let go of Renji's shoulders and settled onto the examination table to wait. The redhead paused uncertainly, looking down at him and trying to think of something to say. But the overwhelming rush of everything that had happened left his mind spinning helplessly, and he knew that if he was in such a state, then Byakuya had to be a complete wreck inside. Still, the noble wasn't one to crumble. He was more likely to force down his emotions. But there was, Renji understood, only so much that a person could endure…and having been forced to quietly endure Tohma's violent behavior for so long, Byakuya might simply be unable to do that anymore.

"You should go to your examination room," the noble said, startling him, "I will be fine."

He knew Byakuya was far from fine, but given that Tohma had kept the noble under such close control, Renji thought it better to yield Byakuya a measure of space.

"Yeah…okay," he said, nodding, "Just…send for me if you need me."

"I told you that I am fine."

"I heard you," Renji said calmly, "And I know you're full of shit. No one would be 'fine' after something like this. We're a damned mess, Taichou. But we will be fine. We will be."

He turned and left the room, feeling Byakuya's eyes on his back as the door closed behind him.

Byakuya sat quietly on the examination table, his mind still trying to wrap itself around the whole of the situation…his loss of control that destroyed his home…the sudden return of memory that had made him run…Tohma's deadly fury at Byakuya's betrayal…the desperate battle and the loss of the life within him…then suddenly being freed…having Tohma ripped away, as though he had never been there…and the blindingly beautiful and equally painful return of the child and attendant he had thought lost.

He simply couldn't make sense of all of the emotions roiling inside of him. He should, he thought, have stronger feelings about Urahara and Yoruichi's betrayal…but then, Tohma being so dangerous and his anger at himself for being so damned helpless to stop the prince made anger at those others seem impossible. Still, it was like a blade in his heart to have been lied to…to have been allowed to be broken in such a way. He wanted badly to be angry at them for hurting him so…but they were protecting Torio and the baby, whose name he didn't even know…not just protecting them from Tohma, but from Byakuya too.

Because…he had been a part of it. He had been Tohma's victim and had stood helplessly by as the others around him suffered for his weakness. He couldn't forgive himself for that…

But that isn't all, his tormented mind whispered, It is as he said…the queen poisoned him with her hatred…and he, in turn, has poisoned me.

He could feel it burn beneath his skin…and it burned hotter than the cobra venom that had stolen his baby's life and nearly killed him.

Oh…kami, I feel it! I feel that poison inside me!

His heart pounded inside his chest and his body began to shake uncontrollably. He thought he might have heard footsteps in the hallway outside and suddenly couldn't bear the thought of facing their questions…of seeing their eyes as they discovered how he had been tainted. And having been tainted, he would be a danger to others. As the poison had poured out of Tohma, so too, would it escape him. It just waited inside as his future victims gathered around him…Renji, of course, but the others too…Rukia, Torio, Urahara and Yoruichi…ichigo…and the staff he had tried so hard to protect. But most poignantly…he worried for that tiny, innocent child. He was so small…so helpless. And the poison inside Byakuya was so toxic…

He would have to be taken away…

They would take his child away, bind his hands as they had Tohma's…and he would be led away and secreted in some quiet room, and forgotten…

The thought of it was too much to bear…

He leapt from the bed and flash stepped to the window, slipping out onto the ledge as the door opened inside the room. He knew better than to hesitate, but flash stepped down to the ground, then disappeared as a face appeared in the window and someone called his name. He ran blindly, and only realized where his feet were taking him when he passed through the rubble at the entrance to Kuchiki Manor and continued past the ashes of the buildings, across the dying gardens, out the back gate, up the forest trail and to the sakura tree at the top of the waterfall.

He slid to a stop as he reached the tree, his mind taking him back to the night he had fallen underneath Renji and had allowed himself to be taken…only to be torn away again and handed to Tohma…to be used repeatedly and slowly broken apart…then abandoned.

And Renji is that man's brother…

He stared at the sakura tree and the ground beneath it, hating the shock of memory it created inside, just to look at it. He tried to remember it the way it was when he was with Renji, but the redhead's face changed in his mind…and the memory blended with one much darker…

Golden eyes glared down into his and froze him in place as his body was bared and the storm of pink petals rose around him. And as painful as the blades were where they cut him, even more painful was the sob of despair from Senbonzakura as he was bent and twisted to be used by the prince to torment his own master…

"Sen…" he whispered.

The blade appeared easily in his hand.

Sen…

There was no answer…

He felt that the zanpakutou's spirit was present and tried again.

Senbonzakura…

His call was met again with silence.

"So…" he whispered, "you too have abandoned me."

No, not abandoned, he reminded himself, He fears the poison inside me…but it is already a part of both of us. We have both been tainted by it…he must see that…

He placed a hand on the hilt and felt as though it had been ages since they had connected. And, in truth, it had been. He realized suddenly how he had avoided connecting with the spirit after Tohma had begun using the blade's release to cut him. He hadn't blamed Senbonzakura, of course, but he had avoided him…more because he wouldn't have known what to say to the spirit. He was supposed to be the zanpakutou's master, but in all of the time Tohma had been tormenting him, he had never once acted like the blade's master. He had sat quietly and let his blade be used to hurt him…and he had let others around him be hurt while doing nothing useful to stop it.

And that made him more than a little responsible…

If I had just been stronger…

He tried to imagine how Ichigo or Renji, or any of those others around him would have fared in the same situation, and came to the conclusion that they would have fought the prince…would not have given in to him. They might well have died for it, but they wouldn't have let themselves become helpless and trapped as he had. He tried to remember why he had allowed Tohma to use him so…and the words responsibility and honor came to mind. It was considered an honor and a deep responsibility to be called to join the royal family. And once one did, there was also a responsibility to act respectably, to keep up appearances…to make everything outwardly perfect and beautiful.

It had nothing to do with reality, he realized. Hidden beneath the smiles and polite words were signs that so much of what was seen was a lie.

He thought back to the rows of peasants who had lined the streets to watch him go to wed the prince…how they had marveled at his beauty and at the honor he had been chosen to receive. Any of them would easily have traded places with him…but even then, he had wished inside that he could be one of them. Because there was no nobility in being noble…no honor within the upper class…no reality in the pretty exchanges that happened in the public eye.

How many of those lovely faces, he wondered, have to be healed on nearly a daily basis? How many of their smiles hide the tears of broken hearts…hidden hurts…shattered dreams? And how many quiet deaths go unexamined…with the ones around knowing there is more than what is seen, but not daring to look beneath the surface, because they don't want to see? And they call this nobility? I call it a mountain of carefully constructed lies. But watch how the morning will change things. Tomorrow, the peasants will line the streets again as the king's secret son is led into the spirit dimension and given his place among the powerful. My one consolation is that Renji is wise enough to understand and to shield himself. He is stronger for having seen me fall apart. But he will never look at me the same way again. I will always be weak in his eyes. I will always be lesser…

Tears filled the noble's proud eyes as he stood, seeing his body on the ground beneath Renji's, bared and in the throes of new, passionate love.

I felt strong then…but like everything else around me, that strength was a lie. Because even before we caught our breath, before the giddiness of release had passed, the truth was thrown in our faces. I am nothing. My body and power belong to the spirit king. In the end, I do not decide my own fate, but am granted some freedoms to mitigate the pain for those times when there are no choices. I am little more than a slave…and everything I have is given to me by the king…and can likewise be taken away by him. I look powerful and privileged outwardly, but it is like the glassy surface on a frozen pond. One wrong step will uncover the lie and expose it…not that we don't know it is there. We only try not to see it.

"I am weary…" he whispered, "I want to go home…"

But his home was a pile of ashes and rubble, the lovely gardens damaged and dying…and it had been made so by his own desperate hand.

I want it back, the peace of waking in my own room, looking out the garden doors and into the colors and life of the gardens. I want to feel silk slide across my skin and hot water run down my naked body. I want to sit on the garden patio and share tea with my sister, while she nervously sputters and talks too quickly…to take long walks through the quiet trees, hearing little more than birdsong…cicadas…the sound of my footsteps…my soft breaths…my own heartbeat. But I destroyed it…all of it. I wonder if it is as Tohma said. Am I poisoned, as I seem to be? And will I only destroy what I love? Is there no way to find peace again?

He stared harder at the place where his body had lain…taken with love and passion, then cut with anger and viciousness. The two visions blended insanely in his mind…with even the faces of the two brothers weaving themselves together. He felt a sudden ache in his hand and realized that he was gripping Senbonzakura's hilt tightly.

Sen!

There was still no answer…not that he had really expected one. The zanpakutou was no longer his to control. Senbonzakura had seen his weakness and would no longer lend him his power. Fury gripped him at being abandoned in such a way and he tore the sword from its sheath and flung it hard, out over the waterfall. It spun madly in the air, flashing with sunlight as it turned and fell slowly to the ground. It sliced into the ground, point down as the noble turned back to the sakura tree and reduced it to splinters with little more than a thought. But it wasn't enough. He still saw the stains of lovemaking and blood on the ground where they had lain. So he raised his power again and struck the ground repeatedly until the tree had turned to dust and the grass and flowers had disappeared beneath the coarse, damp soil. He flash stepped down the face of the cliff, sliding to a stop at the edge of the water, staring in surprise at his reflection.

I can't even see myself anymore…

His eyes flared with fury and despair and his body burned with emotion. His blood went cold as Tohma's face appeared on the surface of the water next to his. Byakuya whirled and loosed a gasp of dismay at finding himself alone. He felt the chill in his blood increase as it always did when Tohma was near.

Do not let them do this to you…

They cannot get away with this, watashi no koi…

Take your blade in your hand…

Force it to do your bidding…

He panted softly, his body trembling with memory and his feet already moving. Step by shaky step, he moved closer to the place where Senbonzakura lay sheathed in the soil. As he grew closer, Tohma's voice sounded more loudly in his mind.

I know you tried your best, but you did fail…

The pain will make you stronger…

You do not fight this because you know that you deserve it…

…for your weakness…

"I was weak," he whispered, remembering, "pathetically weak. I would have laughed at the thought that anything could reduce me to such a state…and yet…I see the weakness…the glaring faults…the vulnerability. But I won't be weak now…not anymore…"

He wrapped his hand around the hilt of Senbonzakura, tearing the blade from the ground and thrusting himself into the inner world they shared. He sensed the spirit where he had concealed himself and flash stepped to where he knelt on the ground beneath a small sakura tree. His furious eyes glared down at the masked samurai and his heart went icy and black in his chest.

"How dare you not answer me!" he hissed.

"I answer to the will of my master," Senbonzakura told him calmly, "I know my master's heart…and you are not him."

"I am your master! I proved it long ago…and I am not above proving it again if you need a lesson!"

He was shocked into silence as the warrior stood, walked toward him and stopped in front of him. He reached up silently and slowly removed his mask. Byakuya froze, staring into the lovely, guileless face of his zanpakutou, a face that only he had ever seen, and wondering how they could have been pulled apart in such a way.

"Byakuya," the samurai said quietly, "Leave this place. You are not yourself…and I will not allow you to use me again until you are."

The noble stood in breathless silence, facing the zanpakutou spirit, then, of its own accord, his hand rose and struck the spirit hard across the face. The samurai reeled and stepped back, staring at him in shock.

"You will not allow me to use you?" he said in a cold, dead calm voice, "I think you have forgotten just who is master…"

He wrapped a hand around the spirit's throat, his heart numb inside him as Senbonzakura's dark eyes widened in distress and his hands clenched the one that held him.

"B-byak…"

"You will call me 'Master'," he hissed, tightening his hand, "Do not dare to use my name…"

"My master has a strong heart," the spirit managed, "You have let weakness corrupt you."

Byakuya nodded.

"Yes…I have. And that is why I am here. You are going help me to rid myself of that weakness…Senbonzakura."

He glared icily into the spirit's eyes.

"I did try, but I failed…" Byakuya said softly, his eyes glazing over, "The pain will make me stronger…"

"Master…" whispered Senbonzakura, "Master…please…stop…"

"The pain will make me stronger," Byakuya went on, "We will not resist because we know that I deserve it."

"Master…no!"

"Senbonzakura…"

"Please…do not make me…"

"Scatter, Senbonzakura…"

Power exploded around the two and Byakuya found himself being torn out of his inner world. There was a moment of intense disorientation, and then he found himself standing near the waterfall with Senbonzakura held tightly in his hand. Pink petal blades fluttered wildly in the air around him, and smoke and dust filled the air. He looked around to see what it was that had stopped his blades from touching him and saw Renji standing several feet away with Zabimaru in its shikai form.

"What are you doing?" he asked the redhead quietly.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Renji said, "but before I could, it became more than clear. You need to stop this, Taichou. You have to stop it before you lose yourself."

Byakuya met his fukutaichou's eyes sternly.

"Leave."

Renji shook his head and gripped his weapon in battle readiness.

"No," he said firmly.

Byakuya held his eyes for a moment longer, and then attacked.