Chapter 26: Finding Strength
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I thought I had to leave you behind to learn to be myself again. But as the fire of constant pain left me and I began to breathe again, there was a face imprinted in my mind and a heart attached to mine that would not let go. And as I struggled to find myself again, I finally discovered where I had been held and protected, even amidst my suffering. We have always been in each other's hearts, and we will always be…
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"You look very peaceful, sitting there beneath the trees, Byakuya," Haru commented as he approached the resting noble, "What are you thinking about?"
Byakuya's lips curved upward and his eyes brightened.
"I am eager to see my family," he said quietly, "I have missed them terribly."
Haru nodded.
"But you have also made excellent progress in your treatment. You have begun to eat normally again. You have gained back some weight, and your nightmares have eased. I am still concerned for you, because you will, at some point, have to deal with the fact that your abuser is still within your family. He is royalty, and Byakuya, despite his having appeared to accept the annulment of your marriage, he will likely continue to have periods of disturbance over what happened between you. If his issues are not properly addressed and dealt with, then he may harbor a dangerous interest in you that could flare up and cause him to resume his violence. At some point, the two of you will have to cross paths again, and I want very much to see that you are as prepared as possible for that day."
"I want that as well," Byakuya said quietly, his eyes gazing out over the valley beneath them, "I do not know what it will take for me to prepare myself, but I have given myself to this task, and I will see it done."
"Yes," Haru agreed, smiling, "You have proven to be very committed to your recovery. And that is why I think you are ready to start reassembling your life. We are going to take an important step forward today."
Byakuya's eyes remained calm, but his heart ached inside his chest as Haru presented him with Senbonzakura, then touched the metal bands on his wrists to allow him limited powers. He studied Byakuya's guarded expression and smiled supportively.
"I know that it has been a long time since you and your zanpakutou have connected with each other. You have explained to me as well, what happened when the two of you last interacted. And you should know that before bringing Senbonzakura back to you, I used my own zanpakutou to counsel the spirit in your blade. He has indicated his willingness to interact with you."
The brown-eyed counselor placed Senbonzakura in his hands and then, paused, curving his palms around the noble's, leaning close to him and speaking in a low, quiet tone.
"The bond between shinigami and zanpakutou amounts to a sacred agreement, a trust, if you will. When something causes that trust to break apart, both shinigami and zanpakutou suffer greatly. Before that trust can be regained, the two of you must reconnect and face together the damage that was done to you. I have told Senbonzakura to be honest in his communication with you…to explain to you what he suffered as you suffered also under the weight of your abusive relationship. Remember Byakuya, that the zanpakutou is an extension of the shinigami's own soul. Your soul created Senbonzakura and gave him his powers…powers that he allows you to use when you do battle together. Senbonzakura told me that prior to your marriage to Prince Tohma, he had perfect faith in your connection. And because you shared that same faith in him, the two of you began to resonate with each other, and your powers grew very strong. But as your body and heart weakened under the strain of your husband's cruelty, and he began to force Senbonzakura to cut you as punishment, your zanpakutou's faith in you was shaken, and the strong resonation faded. In the end, he found himself unable to lend you his powers, because he could no longer trust you. You will not be able to resonate and bind your powers until you have mended the broken pathways between you. But that is what I want you to do now. I will leave you in solitude with Senbonzakura now. I will sense when you have reconnected."
Byakuya did not answer, but merely nodded as Haru released his hand and left him alone with his zanpakutou. As soon as the counselor was out of sight, Byakuya set the blade down on the grass beside him and went back to gazing out over the valley. He breathed in the cool air and enjoyed the way it brushed the hair against his skin. He wanted to move forward, yes, but he had been avoiding thinking about this part of his therapy, knowing how difficult it was likely to be. He thought back to how helpless he had felt as Tohma used Senbonzakura to injure him.
"Your zanpakutou is a part of your own soul. And you have mastered that part of yourself beautifully. And the way that you mastered its abilities is through competition and struggle to dominate the spirit within it…to make it obey your commands. Now you will apply your expert control to force your blades spirit into making a single attack…controlling the exact pattern of cuts on our skin…controlling precisely the length and depth, and the places the blades will make contact."
"No," Byakuya objected, pulling away and staring at him, "It is not in this blade's nature to injure me, nor is it in mine to ask to be injured. I cannot do this."
Tohma's eyes glinted dangerously.
"Really, Byakuya? What of the zanpakutou rebellion, did he not attack you readily enough then?"
"He was under the influence of…"
"And in all of your battles, have you not found it once necessary to inflict damage on yourself, using your own blade?"
Byakuya froze, remembering.
"It is only a small shift in the state of your mind. Your zanpakutou attacked you because you lost control of it to another…and you cut your own body because it defied your control too, ne?"
Byakuya stared at him breathlessly.
"Now, you will show your dominance over zanpakutou and body. Go on…"
"Tohma…I…"
"Do you think, Byakuya, that you are in a position to disregard what I say?"
The prince held their bodies tightly against each other.
"Of course not. You are royal by blood, and I noble and sworn to serve you, but…"
"And I decide the way you will offer that service. I gave you a mission, which, try or not, you failed…and I have ordered you to take this action to make yourself stronger and more resolved. Do this now or you will receive a harsher punishment."
Byakuya looked back at him, unafraid.
"Then punish me however you will. I will not do this," he said quietly.
The prince's eyes grew stormy and his lips tightened.
"You refuse to obey me?" he asked in a dead calm voice.
Byakuya stared at him wordlessly.
"Then…if you will not exert power over your weapon and body, I will do it for you this time…only…remember that if I invoke my royal power to gain control of your zanpakutou, I will not have the precise control you do. Think carefully, Byakuya…"
Byakuya pulled away and willed the sphere of petals to fall, then froze as laughter sounded behind him and the petals around the two spun faster.
"You have refused to obey me and have forced me to steal your weapon's destructive power. Now, you will pay the price for this disobedience."
Byakuya caught his breath as the reiatsu rose around them to a staggering level. As vast as his own power was, the birthright power of the spirit king's son was overwhelming. He broke out in a sweat and struggled for breath. It took every bit of his strength just to stay on his feet.
I won't…fall…
The petals swirled wildly around them now, the prince's reiatsu making them shiver and become erratic. Tohma closed in on the trapped noble, wrapping his arms around and turning his face into a protective shoulder. His own head bowed and his face burrowed into the noble's throat. Byakuya closed his eyes and clung tightly to the prince as the power around them raged and began to move inward.
"Sen…" Byakuya whispered.
I am sorry, Master…
Byakuya's breath caught painfully in his chest and he reeled as he remembered more…
"I was weak," he whispered, remembering, "pathetically weak. I would have laughed at the thought that anything could reduce me to such a state…and yet…I see the weakness…the glaring faults…the vulnerability. But I won't be weak now…not anymore…"
He wrapped his hand around the hilt of Senbonzakura, tearing the blade from the ground and thrusting himself into the inner world they shared. He sensed the spirit where he had concealed himself and flash stepped to where he knelt on the ground beneath a small sakura tree. His furious eyes glared down at the masked samurai and his heart went icy and black in his chest.
"How dare you not answer me!" he hissed.
"I answer to the will of my master," Senbonzakura told him calmly, "I know my master's heart…and you are not him."
"I am your master! I proved it long ago…and I am not above proving it again if you need a lesson!"
He was shocked into silence as the warrior stood, walked toward him and stopped in front of him. He reached up silently and slowly removed his mask. Byakuya froze, staring into the lovely, guileless face of his zanpakutou, a face that only he had ever seen, and wondering how they could have been pulled apart in such a way.
"Byakuya," the samurai said quietly, "Leave this place. You are not yourself…and I will not allow you to use me again until you are."
The noble stood in breathless silence, facing the zanpakutou spirit, then, of its own accord, his hand rose and struck the spirit hard across the face. The samurai reeled and stepped back, staring at him in shock.
"You will not allow me to use you?" he said in a cold, dead calm voice, "I think you have forgotten just who is master…"
He wrapped a hand around the spirit's throat, his heart numb inside him as Senbonzakura's dark eyes widened in distress and his hands clenched the one that held him.
"B-byak…"
"You will call me 'Master'," he hissed, tightening his hand, "Do not dare to use my name…"
"My master has a strong heart," the spirit managed, "You have let weakness corrupt you."
Byakuya nodded.
"Yes…I have. And that is why I am here. You are going help me to rid myself of that weakness…Senbonzakura."
He glared icily into the spirit's eyes.
"I did try, but I failed…" Byakuya said softly, his eyes glazing over, "The pain will make me stronger…"
"Master…" whispered Senbonzakura, "Master…please…stop…"
"The pain will make me stronger," Byakuya went on, "We will not resist because we know that I deserve it."
"Master…no!"
"Senbonzakura…"
"Please…do not make me…"
"Scatter, Senbonzakura…"
Byakuya found himself on his feet and flash stepping before he quite knew what was happening. His mind spun with memory and his vision barely registered. His stomach ached and pitched warningly as he swept down off the rise, and almost immediately, he was overwhelmed by the strain of flash stepping while his powers were set at such a low level. He dropped to his knees in the shade of a cluster of trees and began to retch uncontrollably. He was somewhat comforted that at least the sickness gave him a reason to feel tears in his eyes and for his body to sweat and shake. He threw up until nothing was left to expel, then dropped onto his back on the ground beneath the trees, spots dancing in front of his eyes and too exhausted to move.
He didn't have the presence of mind to feel embarrassed when he felt Haru's reiatsu approach. His counselor said nothing at first, but merely dropped down on the grass beside him, loosening his yukata and infusing his body with healing reiatsu. Byakuya held perfectly still, wondering why, after nearly a month, it still felt strange to him to encounter failure and to be treated with only kindness.
And he wondered, more darkly, why he thought he deserved to be hurt.
"You didn't fail, Byakuya," Haru said quietly, looking down into the noble's damp eyes.
Byakuya blinked and stared in surprise, uncertain that he could have heard those words. He sat up next to Haru, looking at him questioningly.
"You wonder how it wasn't a failure when you did not connect with your zanpakutou, and then encountered a setback physically."
"H-how did you know?" Byakuya asked softly, smoothing the front of his yukata with trembling fingers.
Then he remembered.
"Of course," he whispered, "Of course you would know."
And there was, he found, tremendous healing in being understood.
"Byakuya," Haru said, slipping an arm around the noble and continuing to infuse him with healing reiatsu, "I went through this same struggle with my zanpakutou."
"You forced your zanpakutou to cut you?" Byakuya asked, breathing slowly to let the tension drain away.
"Sometimes," Haru affirmed, "I thought that it would make me stronger…more numb to what my husband was doing to me. It was a way of regaining control. But it broke the heart of my zanpakutou and shattered our resonance. And, like you, when I even thought about connecting with him afterwards, I became horridly ill. It's only natural. You were damaged…poisoned with your husband's wickedness, and you needed to feel in control in some way. So you exerted force upon your zanpakutou to give yourself a feeling of being in control, even though you were really spiraling out of control. But Byakuya, you are not out of control anymore. And once you connect with Senbonzakura, he is going to feel that. He is going to reach out to you."
"And you think he will forgive me?" Byakuya asked, "Even after I treated him with such cruelty?"
Haru smiled and tightened his arm around Byakuya.
"I think that Senbonzakura forgave you instantly. But now you have to forgive yourself. You have to be able to look into Senbonzakura's eyes and feel that the two of you deserve to be together again. Right now, you still doubt yourself, but think of the progress you have made. Keep that in mind, and when you are ready, reach for Senbonzakura with confidence that he will respond to you. And when he tells you what he went through, do not hear the accusation, but the longing for healing. Once you let go of the blame and sincerely believe in your bond, you and Senbonzakura will be joined again."
Haru's power slowly faded, and he stood.
"Haru," Byakuya said soflty, looking down at the ground, "Does my setback mean that I will have to wait longer to see my family?"
Haru took Byakuya's hand and helped him to his feet.
"Don't tell me," Byakuya said, brushing a stray tear away from his eyes, "You anticipated that question as well."
"Of course," the counselor answered, motioning for Byakuya to look up at the top of the hill, "And there is your answer."
Byakuya swallowed hard and gazed longingly at the top of the hill, where Renji stood, holding Koichi in his arms, and next to him stood Torio and Rukia.
"Haru, they…didn't see…"
"No," said Haru, shaking his head, "but even had they seen, they are aware that you are in recovery and will experience such things from time to time. Let your mind be at ease, Byakuya. Go and spend some time with them. We can talk afterwards."
Byakuya looked up at his family, then gave Haru a grateful smile.
"Arigato, Haru," he said softly, "Once again, you have given me hope."
Haru nodded and watched with nostalgic eyes as the noble walked up the hill and curled happily into his lover's embrace.
"You are going to be all right, Byakuya," he whispered, "You are nearly ready to return to them…"