Chapter 28: The Bloodletting

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Accustomed to pain, I bore the throb of the wound that festered beneath my skin. But as the pressure built inside, I sensed the need for purging. With shaking hands, I peeled away the surface, watching the sickness erupt from within. And I cried then, not because it hurt…but because I knew the hurt was finally leaving me.

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Byakuya smelled the scent of flowers and woke to find himself still sitting, leaned against the window sill, but now surrounded by and covered with sakura petals. He blinked to make sure he was seeing correctly, then straightened, making the petals fall away and stretching out his cramped muscles. Something soft brushed against his cheek and he turned his head to find himself looking a long stemmed, dark red rose, being held by a smiling Renji Abarai.

"Sorry to bother you again so soon," Renji said, "but after making love with you, I really like sharing breakfast. I don't know. There's just something special about being all warm and cozy, then sitting down with you, still all quiet and sleepy like that. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," Byakuya said, rubbing his eyes, then standing and wrapping a robe around himself, "You are welcome to come any time you want to see me."

"Oh, don't tell me that or I won't go back home!" Renji joked, "I don't have long to visit. I have a training session with Komamura taichou later. We're going to be discussing battle strategy. I've picked up a lot from you, but I still have to fight the urge Zaraki taichou instilled in us in the eleventh…you know, the old 'we'll just bust in and kick the shit out of the bastards, no plan needed' approach."

Byakuya rolled his eyes and sighed.

"That barbarian ruined you," he complained as the two left his room and walked down the hallway to the stairs, "I could kill him for that."

"Oh, don't get him started," laughed Renji, "I still chat with him sometimes when I go to spar with Ikkaku. He's always nudging me to encourage you to spar with him."

"He wishes," Byakuya said, smirking, "as though I would lower myself. But when I spar, I like to do so with some aim in mind besides having my sparring partner try to gut me and violating the rules of friendly engagement. Not that I wouldn't like to shed a bit of his blood and teach him a lesson, but it's better, I think, not to encourage him. He's annoying enough when I ignore him."

Renji shook his head and chuckled.

"What is with that? I've always wondered why you two despise each other like that. I guess opposites don't always attract, ne?"

"No, not always," the noble agreed, "But since you indicated an interest, I have never enjoyed his company. He has all of your rougher edges, but where you have purpose to the power you wield, he lifts his sword for the enjoyment of bloodletting. I just cannot respect that. It is less like a shinigami and more like the attitude of a hollow."

"He told me you got pissed because he once asked you to go to bed with him."

"That too…" Byakuya acknowledged blithely, "That almost made me draw my sword."

"What stopped you?"

"Knowing that it would only excite him more. So, I walked away."

Renji loosed another soft laugh and followed Byakuya into the commissary. They stopped talking as they made their selections, then moved out onto the outdoor patio and sat down at one of the tables. They tangled together the fingers of one hand as they quietly ate and took sips of hot green tea.

"Oh, Torio will be bringing Koichi over later. Rukia's on assignment, but I might come by also, if I'm not too busy at the division. I just returned from leave…"

"Oh, I hope things weren't in too much disarray…"

"No, actually, since we were assigned to home duty and I talked to the guys off and on during my leave, just to make sure, everything's fine. I just want to make sure it stays that way."

"Well, I hope you can come by as well, then," said Byakuya, "I'll just be working on my journal this morning and meeting with Haru later this afternoon."

They finished eating and walked back to the center gates, sharing a final embrace and kiss before Renji turned away and Byakuya silently watched as he disappeared into the distance. He walked back to his room, intending to gather his journal, but turning instead to the letter that still sat on top of his dresser. He thought for a moment, then picked it up, walked to his bed and sat down, before opening the letter. He shivered softly at the light traces of his former spouse's reiatsu on the paper, and it took him a moment to gather himself and to read the words Tohma had written.

Dearest Byakuya,

I know you will have mixed feelings about hearing from me, but I will keep my comments brief and try not to stir up bad memories for you. I hope that you are well. Renji visited recently and said that he hadn't seen you yet, but that he had spoken with your counselor and you seemed to be coming along. I too, am undergoing treatment, here at the palace. But even once my treatment is done, I will be incarcerated here for a time. Perhaps you think that is too weak a punishment, and I would agree, but rest assured, I suffer daily thinking about what a fool I was to throw away my chances of happiness with you. I don't know if I will ever cross paths with love again, but because of you, if I do, I will know to treasure it and try not to destroy it as I did when we were married…though I wonder if such redemption is possible.

I think about the wreckage I left in my path…Aika, Naoki, our child and you, and I pray that the madness will finally leave me and I can spend the rest of my days quietly atoning for what I have done. And so, I'll let you go with the words that will never be enough, and are only the beginnings of my regret for how I've hurt you.

I am sorry…truly sorry.

I don't ask for your forgiveness and you should not yield it. I still love you and I will miss you to the end of my days. But it is better, I think, that we never lay eyes on each other again. May kami walk with you and may you know true happiness again.

With heartfelt regret,

Tohma

P.S. Enclosed is a last gift. Do with it as you will. I have been painting as a way to relieve stress and made this from memory of my time at Kuchiki Manor.

With softly shaking hands, Byakuya withdrew the small painting inside the envelope, nearly dropping it as he realized it was a picture of him, kneeling beneath the sakura tree where he and Renji had made love for the first time, with a tentative smile on his face and a hand resting on his swollen abdomen.

And all at once, the careful control he had seemed to regain over himself slipped away, and he dropped the picture and ran into the bathroom, sobbing and retching. His reiatsu swelled beneath the limiter he wore on his wrist as the emotion rose within him and he emptied his stomach violently and descended into tears on the cold bathroom floor.

And he couldn't make sense of it…how he could be so undone by Tohma's admission of guilt, his willingness to take responsibility and his desire to mend what he had broken. His aching mind railed at him, berating him for reacting so strongly, for not maintaining control, for letting the pain overwhelm him like that. His reiatsu burned hotter under the limiter and he felt the device shudder and begin to fail.

He was too powerful and his emotion too great to be held back anymore. The band on his wrist shattered and the reiatsu exploded around him. He crawled out of the bathroom and collapsed on his bedroom floor as the door was thrown open and Haru flash stepped in, accompanied by several attendants. He didn't mean to fight them, but when Haru's arms wrapped around him and his counselor's reassuring voice sounded in his ear, his reiatsu only burned hotter, threatening to destroy the two of them and everything around them. His breath came out in long, hard sobs as he tried again to gain control and failed, then felt his power swell again. Haru made a sound of pain and a sea of hands latched on to him. His sobs rose into screams and he felt as though his heart was breaking apart inside him.

Somewhere, deep inside, it registered that the explosive power around him was beginning to consume him, and he heard Senbonzakura calling out to him to regain control before the fit he was in turned him into a hollow. For a moment, everything disappeared into a dark, fireshot memory.

"Do you wonder why I simply held you and did not tell you to stop? Why I never once dried your tears, but let them run freely? It isn't the way we were taught, ne? No, we were taught to keep everything inside…to bottle it up and push the emotions down. We were taught to tighten our lips against pain and overcome it without surrendering to tears. But you and I are first hand witnesses to the poison that pain becomes if left inside. It crawls through your body, infects your thoughts and robs the strength from your heart. It roils the darker emotions, forcing them up from the depths inside and turning you into a monster like me. It makes you a prisoner…"

Byakuya's fingers touched his lips gently and he yielded them a soft kiss.

"You can see it as it happens…as it steals you away from yourself and makes you lash out at everyone around you. And even though you hate that you are inflicting your pain on others, tearing at them…infecting them too, you can't stop yourself. And if you are too powerful…no one can stop you."

He met the noble's dark eyes longingly.

"Do you know that, deep down…I want to be stopped? I want a stronger hand to take mine and hold it and tell me that my pain has been felt…sensed…accepted. I want someone to open the doors to my heart, to tell me it's okay to let the pain pour out, that no matter how many tears must fall, there will be an end to them. And this darkness around us will fade…and morning will come again. But there is no one strong enough…not even you, though you do try."

The prince smiled at Byakuya sadly and kissed him warmly on the mouth.

"That's why I wanted so much to help you. I didn't want to see your pain infect you the way mine has infected me. Because when the pain is left to fester for too long, it becomes a part of the soul. It is odd, that. It becomes part of the very soul it devours. The soul loses hope as the poison overwhelms it…and eventually, the soul dies, Byakuya. All that is left is a shell of a person…all that is left is a hollow. Look into my eyes. You see it, don't you? When my death finds me, I won't be taken back into the cycle of birth and rebirth, but will be shunted off into that place where it is always dark and cold. I will wear a bony mask on my face and have a hole where my heart once existed. But that is where someone like me belongs."

Tears came to his eyes and he took Byakuya's face in his hands.

"That is not what I want to have happen to you. There was no one to protect my heart when I was suffering. Now, the pain's poison has strengthened me with hatred and rage. I cannot go back and change that. But I can be there for you. I can give you a place to let out the hurt…to drain away the sorrow, so that your soul will not have such a burden to carry. Let your tears fall here and be absorbed. Let the pain out before it eats you away inside…Do not let it destroy you as it has destroyed me…"

Byakuya flinched as he felt Senbonzakura's touch inside and Haru's on the outside. The two forces worked to anchor him as his screams faded and he sagged against the counselor, tears still coursing down his face, but with a deeper, more profound purpose. He didn't hate himself for being weak and he accepted them as the way the pain was meant to exit his body.

"That's it," Haru whispered in his ear, "You have control now. Just let everything drain away. It's okay. This was to be expected at some point. I did not know when it would happen or what the trigger would be, but this is a part of your healing. This is not a step backwards, but a big step forward. Relax…relax and let everything drain out of you."

Exhaustion swept over him and he closed his eyes and leaned against Haru, listening silently as the counselor's words soothed him and Senbonzakura's presence comforted him. He was nearly asleep when he felt himself being lifted and placed in his bed.

"Should we use the restraints?" asked one of the attendants.

"No," Haru said quietly, "No restraints and no limiter now."

"Are you sure?" asked the attendant, uncertainly.

"I am positive," said Haru, slipping a hand into Byakuya's, "I know this patient very well."

Byakuya felt the retreat of the attendants and the continued presence of Haru at his side as he began to drift off.

"Haru," said a voice from the doorway, "Abarai Renji is here. He is waiting in your office."

"Thank you. Tell him I will be there shortly."

Byakuya felt Haru's hand touch his face and his mind began to drop away into sleep.

"This is a sedative kido," he explained, "It will allow you to sleep deeply, without dreaming. Sleep now, the worst is over."

He disappeared into the peace and darkness of sleep and woke later to find that it was night again and he was lying in bed with Renji's body wrapped tightly around his. His eyes met the redhead's in the darkness for a moment, then Renji smiled at him and coaxed his head back onto the pillow again.

And even though no words passed between them, Byakuya felt as though they had just passed through a doorway and re-entered the world they had left that day that seemed so long ago, when they had first surrendered to their love for each other.

Haru was right, yet again. This wasn't a setback, though indeed, it felt like one. The pain had to be bled off. All the while I was telling myself I was doing so well because I was calm and in control, Haru was waiting for this. Because only once I released the pain from the wound inside, could I really begin to heal. And as soon as I did, he was there…Senbonzakura was there…Renji was there. It still hurts inside, but the pressure has been eased…

"Hey," said Renji softly, "stop thinking so hard. Go to sleep. You can think all you want after you've rested."

"You're staying the night?" Byakuya asked softly.

"Yeah, as long as you behave and sleep like you're supposed to."

"Koichi?"

"Torio's got him. And he has a billion attendants doing everything for them. Sleep."

"Renji?"

"That doesn't sound like sleeping to me. That sounds like talking."

"Aishiteru yo."

"Aishiteru yo, Byakuya…now sleep."

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Byakuya watched as Renji walked away, then turned back into the recovery center. He walked up the stairs and back down the hallway to his room, where he started to sit down on the bed, then thought better of it and walked across the room to the dresser, where the attendants had set Tohma's letter and painting. He picked them up again and reread the letter, noting that this time, the words didn't hurt so badly to read. Looking at the picture wasn't so painful either. It was as though he was farther away from what had happened and the emotions and sensations were slowly fading. He quietly slipped the picture and letter back into the envelope and placed them in the top drawer, then turned towards the place where Senbonzakura rested in the sword stand in the corner of the room. He felt the calm presence of the samurai spirit and reached out with his hand. He was nearly touching it when shouts rose up downstairs and he heard Haru loose a bloodcurdling scream.

With no more thought, his blade was in his hand and Byakuya was running towards the stairs, sensing before he reached it, what was happening in Haru's office downstairs.