A/N: Finn sort of swears a lot in his mind, and he rambles a bit. But I love Finnternal perspectives so much.
He's a guy, and he's supposed to want sex like all the time; Puck says Rachel's got him totally whipped because he says he can wait, but he can. Maybe not patiently or whatever, but he can wait until Rachel is ready for sex, even if it's till she's like twenty-five and won a bunch of Tonys. But he wants to have sex with Rachel; well sex isn't the right word for it though, because he had sex with Santana, and she's never let him live it down. He assumes it's because he didn't brag about it to everyone. He wants to make love to Rachel Berry, which is totally different, and fuck you if you think that's girly. For a long time he thought he was ready for it, and it was all he could think about if he was being perfectly honest; Rachel's got this hot little body, and she's totally sexy even though she has no clue. When they're making out, she always does things that make him have to summon the mailman and hit him with a train instead of a car just to keep from blowing his load too early.
But then things changed, and he's pretty sure that he knows when it happened. When Rachel brought up sex and said she hadn't had sex with Jesse, he'd done this victory dance in his mind, but then he realized that his lie was going to come out and he was going to be royally fucked; that was followed by the sudden realization that they weren't ready for sex at all because they weren't grown up enough to be totally honest with each other about everything. He wonders if that's what being in an adult relationship is all about. And then they broke up, and he was glad they'd never done it because then he'd know exactly what he was missing while he played stupid games and pretended to be Puck. It was selfish, but true. He was also glad because he couldn't live with himself if he knew that he'd taken something so precious from Rachel and then broken her heart; he wasn't like St. Jackass. He spent way too much time imagining that she had sex with Puck though, and that made him want to kick things; the thought of sex with Quinn made him want to puke, which sounds really rude, but it was just that she kept holding it out like a reward and she wasn't Rachel and he wanted Rachel and only Rachel. He's glad he didn't have sex with Quinn in the end because he doesn't love her, not the way he should or she wants him to, and it would a lie, just like everything else since he broke up with Rachel.
When he and Rachel got back together at Nationals, things went slow for awhile, and he didn't care because he just wanted to be with her; that doesn't mean that he wasn't really glad when she suddenly got more confident right after school started, and things started to speed up. Now he's pretty much got permission to touch her wherever he wants, even under those cute little dresses and tiny skirts and tight sweaters, and, when she's feeling really into it, he gets to touch her under her bra or panties, and it's like the most amazing thing ever. He spends half his time now memorizing the sounds she makes when he touches her and the way her breathing changes just before she loses it; he's getting better at it, and that's like the best feeling in the world. He's even gotten better at not—well lasting long enough not to embarrass himself and end things early. The problem now is that he's back to thinking about sex with her all the time. He doesn't want to be that boyfriend, the asshole who pushes his girlfriend into sex before she's ready and ruins everything. But he thinks they're ready now, or at least that's what it feels like. He just knows that he's ready when she is, and he will wait for her; hell, he'd wait forever if that's what she wanted because he loves her and that's all that matters.
Algebra II sucks, and he hates math; Rachel makes things better most of the time though, and she's really patient when she helps him with it. She never makes him feel stupid, and she's more than willing to go over a problem again if he doesn't understand. Of course, there's the added bonus of making out if they get done fast enough, and there's almost always time for that. But then she starts talking about things that have nothing to do with factors or slopes or whatever it is that he's supposed to be working on, and he hears her mutters the word sex ready. It shouldn't freak him out, because he's a guy and he's supposed to want sex, but Rachel never talks about it and she never mentions being ready; so yeah, he freaks out, and it's more embarrassing that he freaked out than anything else. Things get all awkward, and he tries to focus on his math homework. Needless to say, the homework session does not end in awesome make out sessions, and she goes home looking really upset. He kicks himself for being so stupid, but there's nothing he can do about it.
He has no one to talk to about it; Puck's in a shitty mood because of something Quinn's been doing, and he would just make fun of him for not jumping at the idea of getting into Rachel's pants. And he's not really close to Artie or Mike, not close enough to talk about sex with Rachel anyway; its times like these when he wishes he had screwed up his friendship with Sam and that Sam was back at McKinley. Kurt's his step-brother, but he's also Rachel's best friend, if they ever start talking again, and he's pretty sure that would be more awkward than talking to Rachel's dads about sex. He can't talk to Burt about stuff like this because that would be awkward as hell, and his mom would probably freak out, remembering the Quinn Fabray Baby fiasco. He needs his dad because this is totally something you talk about with a dad, and he's sure that if his dad were alive he'd be the cool kind you could talk about things with.
Rachel asks him to run lines with her for the musical, and he agrees; they're reaching the "Tonight" scene, and he's still not totally cool with the idea of her fake kissing and fake having sex with Blaine even though he knows the dude is totally gay and dating Kurt. She tells him that his jealousy is kind of cute and reminds him that he might as well get used to it because 'she will be in lots of romantic roles that involve kissing on Broadway and if they are going to make it together in New York he'll just have to remember that it's all an act'. God, he loves it when she talks about their future together like that even though it's scary because he wants that future with her more than anything in the world. They take a break from rehearsing, and the conversation stays on the future for a while until suddenly she says in this clear voice that she thinks she ready for them to make love; she doesn't say sex, and he's glad because its more than that to him and he likes knowing its more than that to her too. Their rehearsal eventually becomes making out on the floor by her bed, and her panties somehow wind up off and under the bed; when he makes her cum she mewls his name, and it's better than any song he's ever heard her sing.
She suggests a private dinner at home, and he thinks it's a really cool idea; he wants her first time to be perfect and romantic, and he'll do whatever it takes to make it just right. He tries to stop focusing on the suddenly very loud voices in the back of his mind shouting things to worry about, like what if he really is as lousy in bed as Santana constantly says, what if Rachel's disappointed, or worse, what if he's too big and he hurts her. He's not a small guy, and—well Rachel's so tiny, and he knows that it's a tight fit cause he's totally been down there; if he hurt her he'd never forgive himself. He knows that if he keeps thinking about it he's just going to be nervous and he actually read that if you are really nervous you might have problems performing and that would be humiliating too. So he focuses on the dinner, and he buys candles and sparkling cider and makes pasta with red sauce and no meat; it's perfect, and when she gets to the house, he's already dressed in a nice shirt and he's wearing her favorite cologne. She looks so beautiful that he doesn't know what to say, and she gives him this little shy smile that makes him want to melt into a puddle of goo.
Dinner goes well, but then it all falls apart; he's not even sure how it happens. He leads her upstairs, and they're on his bed and she looks so perfect; he pretty much hovers over her, and, just as she leans up to kiss him, he pauses. Why now? He asks the question because he has to know; he has to know that she wants this and that she's sure of this. He's not going to screw this up for her. But she hesitates, and he knows she isn't really ready; he feels like such a jerk because he can't hide the disappointment in his eyes as he pulls away from her. He offers to curl up on the couch with movie because, sex or no sex, he wants to be close to her, but she just says she's tired and leaves him alone to contemplate how everything got so messed up. It's all he can do not to scream or throw things as he cleans up, and when he's done he hides in his room so that his family won't know what happened to upset him. He's not sure when the tears start falling, but when they do he can't seem to stop them.
He's never had a father figure, someone he could talk to about things like this, and, no offense to Burt, he still doesn't. And right now he could really use someone. The entire choir room can feel the tension between their co-captains, and he wishes that he could do something to fix it; even Mr. Schue notices that they don't sit as close together. Mike tells him later in the week that Rachel missed dress rehearsal and that he found her talking to Tina later, and he starts to worry more than ever that Rachel's beyond upset after their little disaster; when he calls her later that night she tells him she's fine, which is great, but he can't help but feel more than a little hurt when she doesn't invite him over because she always invites him over, even when they know it can't happen. He misses her, and she's so distracted over the next few days with what he assumes is the musical that she barely has time to speak to him. Even in Glee, when they need to work together, and when Rory, who has to be reminded that she has a name and it's just 'Finn Hudson's Girlfriend', needs help, she's off in another world. It's so not like her.
He finally pulls her aside the day before opening night, and they talk for a few minutes before she has to rush off to final dress rehearsal; he asks her if she wants to come over to his house after the show because the house is going to be empty, and her eyes go wide. She tells him that she will think about it, almost stuttering, and she stands on her toes to kiss his cheek before hurrying away to rehearsal because she can't be late. He's not sure whether to take this as a good sign or not, but he doesn't have much time to think about it because Mr. Schue pulls him into the choir room and starts asking him if things are ok. Mr. Schue is probably the only person outside his mom and Rachel who really believes in him; it's awkward because he's a teacher, but the guy is the closest thing to a father figure that he has, so he just sort of spills his guts unintentionally. He tells Mr. Schue about how he and Rachel are so close, and he's so in love with her; it's hard to explain because he's really bad at words, but he finally manages to say that he loves Rachel, and not just like 'I love you; I love you too' kids stuff either. He loves her more than anything and when he thinks of the future it's always Rachel, no matter what else happens; he doesn't mean to tell him that he thinks they're ready for sex, but it sort of slips out, and Mr. Schue is cool about it for a teacher. He doesn't have much advice, but it helps to talk about it at least, and when he leaves the room he feels so much better.
He greets her backstage before going to find his seat in the front row on opening night, and he has a bouquet of pink tulips for her that he had to buy on his way back to the school for the show; she kisses him and promises to see him after curtain call, and the moment she steps on stage for the first time, he wonders if this is what it will feel like in the future when she's on Broadway and he sits in the front row to watch her perform every night. He could totally get used to that. He sees everything in terms of a future with Rachel lately, and he wishes that he could just figure out what else he wants to do with his life. She's amazing, like nothing he's ever seen before, and he starts a standing ovation with her fathers, Burt, and Mike's mom. He waits for her after curtain call standing by the entrance to the auditorium, and he scoops her up and spins her, kissing her even though her face is covered with too much stage makeup.
He assumes she'll go to dinner with the cast because that's normal, and so he goes home alone and changes out of his dress shirt and prepares to order pizza; the knock at the door surprises him, but what surprises him more is that Rachel is standing there, looking absolutely adorable in her little pink dress and cape. She's washed away the makeup, and she's even more beautiful now because it's all Rachel and no ridiculous mask. He invites her into the house, murmuring something about how he was just going to order pizza for himself but if she's hungry he'll go get something, but she stands on her toes and kisses him before stepping inside; she tells him that she isn't hungry and insists that if he's hungry he can order pizza and she'll be fine, but with Rachel there, food is the last thing on his mind. He knows she's nervous because she's doing that thing where she fiddles with the strings on her clothes, and he settles on the couch next to her, keeping his distance because he doesn't want to scare her; he's relieved when she scoots closer, but he doesn't move to put his arms around her, no matter how much he wants to. He wants to hold her close and tell her he's sorry if she felt pressured last time and that he just loves her so much.
"Finn, I'm ready for sex, but I'm really nervous and scared. I want to—I love you, and I want to be with you, and I'm ready to take that step, but I'm scared and confused and I have all these feelings."She blurts it out quickly, almost startling him, and it takes him a minute to even understand what she's saying; when she turns away he doesn't understand until he catches sight of a tear on her cheek.
"Rach, I didn't quite catch that—wait are you crying?" He gently cups her cheek, turning her to face him, and when she still refuses he has to lift her chin, wiping tears with his thumb."Baby, don't cry; please don't cry."
"I can't help it. I ruin everything, and I know you probably are angry about the last time, not that I blame you. I'm just so nervous, and I want it to be perfect; I don't want to disappoint you. Like the last time, you wanted to know why now, and I was so nervous that I couldn't even speak, and I wanted to tell you it's because I love you so much and you are the only one I want to be with ever. But—" It comes out so fast that he's losing track of what she's trying to say, and he's never seen her like this.
"I'd wait, Rachel; I'd wait forever if you weren't ready." He cuts her off, suddenly more feeling more assertive than he's ever been, and he means every word he says. "I love you so much, baby, and I want you to be ready, completely ready; I don't want you to have regrets. I couldn't stand it if you had regrets about us. I'm not sure about a lot of things, but I'm sure of this. I love you, and I want everything to be right for you; I don't want to screw this up. I don't want you to regret your first time the way I regret mine. Because I do; I regret my first time every day. It should have been with you. But if it happens, if we do make love, then it will be the first time that it matters; what happened in that hotel room was just sex, and it meant nothing. With you it would mean everything."
"Finn, I—" She's still crying, but he knows that the tears aren't from embarrassment anymore. "I really am ready, Finn; I'm just nervous, and I afraid of silly things. I'm so afraid that I'll disappoint you."
"Rachel Berry, you could never, ever disappoint me. Whether you believe it or not, you are the most beautiful and wonderful girl in the entire world to me." He kisses her softly, and he feels her melting into him.
She confesses her fears, and he shares his; he tells her how nervous he is because it's such a big step and it's so important, and she whispers that she's nervous too. They talk for awhile, and when things finally fall quiet she leans in and whispers that she's ready; he tries to move things upstairs, but she insists they stay where they are, in front of the fire. He has the perfect idea, and he kisses her once more before he leaves the room to go to the hall closet; when he comes back, his arms are full of blankets and pillows, and he smiles as she takes them from him and helps him make a sort of bed in the floor. He likes the idea of recreating that moment when he first kissed her in the auditorium because this time he won't run away or screw it up. It takes him some time to work up the courage to touch her, and he's pretty sure she can feel his hands shaking. But it's ok because her hands tremble too, and he does his best to reassure her; when they finally make love he focuses on being beyond gentle, and he takes his time and moves agonizingly slowly because she's Rachel and she's tiny and fragile and beautiful. When she tenses, he kisses her until the pain fades and she begs him to move, and in the end he can't think of anything more perfect. Later, when he pulls the blankets over them, she takes his hands and kisses him, and her kisses are so full of love that he feels like he could do anything. She looks at him like he's a hero, and he really believes that she thinks he is one; it's like if she believes in him that's all that matters. He knows that this is where he belongs, with Rachel Berry in his arms.