Hello!
It's been forever. Again. And I'm very, very sorry.
Heres the next chapter, I hope you like it.
CHAPTER 5
December 21, 2010
EPOV
Even after attempting to calm down with a vigorous gym excursion, I'm still jittery. Bella and I are in the same state. Thirty minutes in my Volvo and I could see her if I so chose. Which I do not. But for the first time in two years, I know where she is. I know she's safe. It's both comforting and concerning.
It's almost Christmas, and Ben flew home with Angela this afternoon. They won't return until after the new year, and I'm lonely. I don't have many friends in Denver because grad school demands all of my time. Now that I'm on break, I don't have anything to do. Normally, I would go to Boulder but I can't handle that yet now that Bella is back on the scene.
I make myself a pot of tea and grab a book from the shelf. I realize that I'm doing things that remind me of Bella, but I decide to ignore this fact.
Just as I settle down on the couch with Holden Caulfield and a cup of Earl Grey, the doorbell rings.
I expect Alice, finally coming to kick my ass; or Emmett who's very good at showing up with a six-pack when I need it. I open the door to Bella instead.
"Sup," she says, slipping off her snowy boots at the door, tossing her leather jacket and long mustard scarf over the back of a chair, and sauntering into my living room like it's no big deal. "This is a nice place, Cullen. I like it, can really see myself spending a lot of time here in the future. Where's Waldo?"
The traitor cat appears, jogging over to Bella in delight to see his mommy. She squeals with joy, scooping him into her arms and kissing his furry head. Aren't cats supposed to be all superior and aloof? The pathetic son of a bitch is already purring, all Bella's crimes forgotten.
Still cuddling with Waldo, she moves through my apartment. I'm slack-jawed and silent as I numbly follow her to the kitchen. She opens my fridge, reemerging with a can of beer.
"Old Chub!" she yells, beaming at the can fondly. "God, I haven't had this in for fucking ever."
"About two goddamn years?" I guess, finally rediscovering my voice.
"Yeah, that is about right," she replies, unfazed by my open hostility. Bella sits at my kitchen table, pops the top, and props her feet on the surface, continuing to pet Waldo with one hand. Her socks are yellow and have monkeys all over them. She takes a large sip and sighs in contentment. "Ah… it's good to be home."
I wrestle with my contradicting urges to throttle her, hug her, slap her, and beg her never to leave me again.
"What are you doing here, Bella?" I demand. She pushes the chair next to her towards me with her foot, commanding me to sit down. I jerk the chair away from her and sit with a huff because I don't feel like my legs will support me much longer. "I thought I made it pretty clear this morning that I don't want to see you."
I'm such a dick, but I can't seem to stop myself. I need her to feel even a fraction of the hurt she bestowed upon me.
"Yeah thanks for that, dick breath," she says, glaring at me as she slams her beer down on the table. It's too cold and too early for beer, but her alcohol consumption is no longer my problem. "I should kick your ass for pulling that shit, but I suppose I deserved it."
"Damn right," I agree, crossing my arms over my chest and scowling at her intently.
"I would think after all the mind-blowing sex of last night you would be less cranky," Bella says in a sing song voice, just to irritate me no doubt.
"Isabella," I reply after taking a deep breath. My voice is low and serious. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Figured we should talk. About last night, about the last two years."
"There's really nothing to say," I state coolly. Bella has this cocky little smirk on her mouth, and I decide that Alice has lied to me about her tears. Tears imply giving a shit, which Bella obviously doesn't.
"Bullshit." Her face, which fell for a moment at my tone, is composed once again into an unaffected mask. "We made love all night long. That's definitely something to talk about."
My heart stutters. Never before has she called it that. Bella's very cavalier about sex. This conversation is a total role reversal for us. As a rule, I'm overemotional. Typically, I want to talk. I'm the one that searches for meaning in every little thing Bella does, but today it's the opposite.
"That was a mistake, partly caused by alcohol and partly caused by shock. It won't be happening again," I shout. My temper has been steadily building all day, and there is no one more deserving of my freak-out than the girl biting her lip in front of me.
"You don't mean that," she whispers.
"How the fuck would you know? I have done a lot of changing in the last two years, you don't know me anymore." Bella has the gall to roll her eyes at me.
"Now you are just being a drama queen." She correctly dismisses my babbling with a wave of her hand. Bella knows me better then anyone. Unfortunately. "I know that you can't make a decent cup of coffee and that your razor has to be lined up with the sink just so. I know that you have too much pride to ask Alice to do your laundry, even though you always end up turning something pink. I know that you forget to eat when you study, that you run for miles when you're stressed, that you probably spent all morning brooding about my return. But mostly I know that you know that this thing between us is not over."
This is the second time today someone has listed the things they know to make me feel like an idiot, so I stay silent and glare.
"Plus, you aren't the only one who has done some changing since graduation," she continues.
Desperately, I want to believe her. I want her to be different now, but I know that she's incapable of loving me and no worldly travels could change that. Her presence is torture at this point, a reminder of what I'll never have.
"Don't you want to know where I was?" Bella asks, reaching out her hand to rest it on mine. I jerk away, unable to withstand the shivers at this point. I want her to leave so I can drink the rest of the beer in the fridge and pass out. I crave the blissful unawareness of sleep.
"No. It doesn't make a difference where you were. That won't change that you left me, with no words of explanation, on New Years! With… with… well, you know with who. You always said I wasn't your boyfriend and you certainly proved it. I guess I didn't even deserve a goddamn note, huh? Instead I have to find out from fucking Jacob! Your ex!"
Bella looks hurt, but I have spent so much time seeing what I want to see in Bella, I can't trust myself to make sense of her anymore. Her departure forced me to stop pretending that she isn't a self-absorbed bitch incapable of really caring for anyone else.
"Edward." Her voice is soothing, and I close my eyes as it unwillingly calms me. I don't want her to have this comforting effect on me, but I can't help but relax. Suddenly, her weight is on my lap, and I stifle a groan as her arms come around my shoulders. "I know I did some shitty things in the past, but you were most definitely my boyfriend, despite my denials. Back then, I was scared shitless of what you made me feel and heartbroken about my parents and unable to believe that someone as good as you could want me."
With my eyes still shut, I feel her rest her forehead on mine as she cradles my face in her palms. Though I enjoy it in the moment, I know it will only hurt that much more when I kick her out. Which I will do. Because I have to.
But unwillingly, her words sow the seeds of hope in my head. I desperately need to cling to the belief that I'm done with her, because if I let her in again, I know I won't survive the fallout.
Her words have their desired effect. For so long, since the beginning of this bizarre relationship, I have been the only one willing to vocalize my feelings. She was so unsure and unwilling to let me in. Putting my own insecurities aside, I focused solely on appeasing hers. I thought I made progress. Through a carefully waged war of knowing just when to push her, I tricked her into being my friend, and then my friend with benefits, and then my exclusive friend with benefits. Eventually, she let me take her on dates and didn't flip out when I touched her in public. By our senior year, we rarely spent a night apart. She initiated dates, let me call her my girlfriend, and only flinched a little when I told her I loved her.
Stupidly, I thought all her issues would disappear if I just took things slowly. I thought that eventually she would marry me and realize she loved me all along.
And then she fucking left.
"I missed you so much, Edward," she whispers against my ear. I mentally chant the periodic table of elements in a vain attempt to ignore her. "You never were far from my thoughts. It just became too much, and I had to see you. I really… care about you, you know."
Care about me.
She has said this before and instead of elation, I feel a crushing disappointment. If she didn't love me after six years, then she never would. Once, I would have been content to know that she felt anything for me at all, but now I want more. I deserve more.
But even so, it's damn tempting.
"Please, baby," she says, placing a kiss on my temple. "Just give me a chance. Please, let's just go back to the way we were before."
Even as the words leave her lips, I'm out of my chair and striding out of the kitchen into the living room. I almost trip on Waldo, who hisses and slips under the couch. My hands fist in my hair, as I struggle to get a hold on my emotions.
She hasn't changed at all. There is no progress with Bella, no forward movement, and no chance of a future.
"What the fuck, Edward?" Bella yells from the kitchen. I glance over my shoulder and see that my abrupt departure sent her to the floor. She's up a moment later, storming after me, waving her arms and yelling.
She has no right to be angry.
"Why won't you fucking talk to me? You stubborn ass, motherfucker. I get it. We all get it. I was wrong! You're the victim! But I'm over this pissy crap so will you please, please just fucking talk to me so we can get back on track again?" She paces around the living room while I stand in the corner by my bedroom door, itching to make my escape but knowing that she will just follow me.
I know, from past experience, that fighting with Bella near a bed will lead to one thing. I have already made that mistake once since she came back, and I will not do it again.
"It doesn't work like that, Isabella. You can't just leave for two years and expect everything to go back to life as usual with a few half-assed explanations and no apologies." I try to keep my voice calm, but by the end of my little speech, I'm yelling just as loudly as Bella.
"I AM FUCKING SORRY, OKAY!" she shouts, hands balled into fists at her sides. My hands drop to my sides in my shock. The Bella I know doesn't apologize. She thinks it's a sign of weakness and a pointless one at that.
"TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE!" I scream back. "I have no desire to go back to the way things were."
"Why not? Weren't you happy, being with me?" It's impossible to determine whether she is more hurt or angry by my words.
"I thought so. But something obviously wasn't right because you left. And I want something more. I want to be loved," I explain, closing my eyes and willing her out of my apartment.
I wait a bit, hoping in vain that she will say the three little words I need to hear. I know if she says them, I won't be able to stay mad at her. But she disappoints me. Again.
"You won't even talk to me about the possibility of getting back together? Even after last night?"
I cringe, feeling guilty.
"Your words are meaningless to me. I'm done fighting, Isabella. It's not worth it." My voice betrays my exhaustion as I glance towards Bella whose face is contorted in pain. I want to pull her into my arms, but I stay where I am.
"Fine." She abruptly spins away, retreating to the front door and gathering her winter gear. "Then I'll just have to prove it to you. Actions speak louder than words," she says, her voice strong even though her hands shake. The tremors are so bad, that she has a hard time getting the zipper up on her boots as she moves to get out of my apartment.
"If you can stick around long enough," I mutter under my breath. I'm not sure if she hears me, but either way she doesn't respond.
I glance out the window, but the snow is falling so thick that I can only see a mass of swirling white.
She rises, boots intact, and reaches toward the doorknob. Again, she struggles to turn it because of her shaking hands.
Cursing her, and myself, I cross the room and slam the door shut with my palm just as she manages to get it open.
"What the fu… fuck?" she stutters, eyes fluctuating between anger and hope. She continues to yank on the handle as she glares at me through her blush, but I keep my hand on the door to prevent her from leaving.
"How did you get here?" I demand, staring down at her.
"The Chevy," she replies, the "duh" apparent in her tone.
"Bella, it's going to be dark in the next ten minutes. The roads are probably icing up. It's blizzarding," I sigh, not pleased about the decision I just made.
"So?"
"So… you will definitely kill yourself driving that ancient piece of shit." She punches me in the arm, her customary response when someone insults her truck.
"So?" she asks again, frustrating me endlessly.
"So you can't fucking leave!" I snap, losing my patience.
"Why do you even care if I drive off the side of the road?" she asks, glowering up at me.
"Don't be an idiot, Bella. You know I don't want you to die."
"I don't think I know that," she says petulantly, crossing her arms over her chest. The shaking in them has stilled.
"Bella, I assure you. I don't want you to die." God, she is annoying.
"Your words mean nothing to me," she snaps back, mimicking my earlier statement. She's the worst apologizer ever and I wish she would just let me be angry with her.
"Whatever. I'm not arguing about this and you aren't going anywhere tonight," I sigh as I pinch the bridge of my nose.
"You can't tell me what to do!" she retorts, acting nothing like a twenty-four year old woman she is.
I snatch the keys out of her hand with ease and step away from her, retrieving my now cold tea and book from the coffee table.
"Ben's back east with Angela. You can sleep in his room," I call over my shoulder as I retreat to the peace of my bedroom. "I'll drive you back to Boulder in the morning."
She appears to consider arguing with me for a moment, but ends up nodding her head and collapsing on the couch as I shut the door behind me.
I skip dinner and go to bed ridiculously early to avoid venturing out of the sanctuary my bedroom has become. After all the shared words this afternoon, I can't handle seeing Bella again.
Despite the person in my apartment, I feel desperately lonely. I glare at my door, waiting for Waldo's demanded entry to my room with incessant scratching, but even my goddamn cat has deserted me. My twin let her move in. Jake had lunch with her. Everyone is choosing her over me, but I can't just forget that she left.
With a frustrated huff, I switch off my light and close my eyes, pulling my comforter over my head.
The apartment is freezing. Ben and I keep it this way to save some money on the electric bill. I add another blanket on top of my comforter, wondering if Bella will be warm enough. For a stupid moment, I consider checking on her, but I dismiss the thought quickly. I'm done taking care of Isabella Swan.
Waldo is probably sleeping on top of her. That cross-eyed jackass.
Despite the early hour, I fall asleep seconds after my head hits the pillow. The emotional upheaval, plus the lack of sleep I received the night before, have caught up with me and I sleep soundly.
In the middle of the night, the sound of my bedroom door creaking open partially wakes me up. It's impossible to determine if this is reality or a dream. With half opened eyes, I watch as a tiny figure gently pushes the door closed and tip toes to the empty side of the bed. After a moment's hesitation, she pulls back the covers and climbs in next to me.
"It's too cold," she murmurs so quietly, I have a hard time recognizing her words. "I won't touch you."
I don't like this at all. Our lack of physical contact upsets me so I pull her towards me until my much larger body is spooned around her much small body. It feels so right and familiar; I decide I must be dreaming.
There is a protest in the back of my head, but I ignore it. She feels so good in my arms. As I fall back to sleep, I realize that Bella has been in my bed every night since she came back to Colorado. And I haven't slept this deeply since she left.
September 16, 2004
A month into freshman year, Bella finally accepts that I walk her to Bio every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning. Occasionally, I see her in a study room or she lets me sit with her in the common room, but this morning routine is typically the extent of our time together.
I am fairly positive that she knows that I have an insanely huge thing for her, but she doesn't say much about it. Nor will she agree to see me outside the constraints of academia. I try not to badger her too much about hanging out for fear she will ignore me totally.
"Good morning, Bella," I say, grimacing as she lights her morning cigarette. The girl smokes like a chimney, and it is very difficult to resist the urge to give her all the medical reasons why she should stop. I hand her one of the paper cups I carry. Bella likes spicy tea with honey, and I stopped by the dining hall this morning, so I picked some up for her.
"Hello, Adonis," she says, exhaling a lungful of smoke and smiling as she takes the cup. "You're looking particularly nerdy this morning. I like the glasses."
I push the thick black frames up my nose self-consciously. My contact prescription ran out, and I ordered new ones too late. At home Esme, my mother, takes care of these things, and I feel like a ridiculous mama's boy for forgetting.
"Thanks," I grumble with a frown, hurt that she finds me unattractive.
"Don't look at me like I kicked your fucking puppy," she says with a laugh. "You look hot in anything and you know it."
"I do?" I ask, trying to figure out if she is teasing me. Bella has very few complimentary things to say, and most of the statements that come out of her mouth are sarcastic. Why I can't fall for a nice girl who actually wants me around, I will never know.
"Yes. You really do. I know it. They know it," she says spreading her arms and gesturing to the females walking around campus. "Everyone knows it. Part of me thinks that this adorable, oblivious to your own hotness, innocent thing you have going on is all an act to get the ladies."
"Uh…" She is blowing my mind, rendering me speechless. I flush and beam at her compliments, beyond thrilled that she thinks I am "hot."
"Goddamn it, Edward," she huffs, glaring at me now as she crushes her cigarette butt under her sandal. "You can't look at me like that either."
"Like what?" I ask, genuinely interested in what she sees in my expression.
"Like you would lie down in front of a train for me. Like you want to buy me roses and compose me sonnets. Like you motherfucking love me, that's what," she says, gesturing wildly with her tea in one hand and cigarette in the other.
"But what if I do?" I say, before I can stop myself. Bella halts abruptly, her mouth falling open in shock no doubt. Snapping my mouth shut, I turn to face her in embarrassment. I have basically just revealed the extent of my obsession, despite her obvious disinterest in me.
Do I have no pride?
Still, I can't bring myself to take it back. It's the truth. I grimace as Bella's face changes from shock to rage.
With a speed and strength far too great for someone so small, Bella punches me in the arm. Hard.
"What the… mother… OW!" I yell in surprise, rubbing my bicep and glaring at her. "Why, Bella? That hurt!"
"Don't you ever, EVER, say anything like that to me again," she says, her voice low and seething with her anger. I expect her to be uncomfortable or embarrassed- maybe even flattered. But her fury I do not anticipate so I just gape at her silently for a moment. "I mean it, Cullen. You look like you are about to fucking say something again. Just don't. I have tried to ignore your little crush, but that is just ridiculous!"
Bella is really upset. God, this girl is weird.
"So you don't want to go on a date with me?" I ask, half kidding. I decide that I am already in trouble and might as well go for broke.
"What? No. Fuck no."
It's a blow to the ego, but I try to take it in stride. She does think I am hot, after all. If I was as smart as everyone claims, I would totally give up on Bella Swan. She is rude, vulgar, emotionally stunted, and has zero interest in me. But I can't help it. She fascinates me, entrances me, challenges me, and as much as I don't want to, I love her.
"Edward. You have that look on your face again. Like you are feeling all sorts of stuff for me. I mean it, that shit has to stop or I'll never talk to you again. No more morning walks, no more Bio, no more studying," she has latched onto my shoulders and is shaking me. Touching me is really not a good way to keep me from wanting her.
"You would be failing Biology without me," I say with a smile, trying to play the whole disturbing conversation off as a joke.
She sighs and smiles as her hands drop from my arms. "Fuck. You're right. I guess I'll have to keep you around." She laces her arm through mine, leading me to Biology, and confusing me further. Again, the touching doesn't help change my feelings for her.
"Thank you for the tea."
October 14, 2004
I love Boulder. Since I moved in to Hallett Hall two months ago, there have only been three cloudy days. It's like the anti-Forks, and I don't think I can ever go back to that sunless corner of the world for an extended period of time. Upon arriving in Boulder, I realized what a sheltered, small life I had lived in Forks. Though we did live in Chicago until I was eight, most of my growing up was done in Forks, where people hunt for fun and everything closes by ten nightly. Social options are limited to the shitty movie theater and half-vacant mall an hour away in Port Angeles, or getting wasted in someone's basement.
There are just so many options in Boulder. There are hiking trails to explore, ethnic food to sample, art galleries and museums and bookstores and coffee shops to visit. There is always an interesting lecture or club meeting on campus, and for the first time in my life, I'm busy.
With Jasper- who I begrudgingly started to like when I saw how happy he made Alice- I trek around the mountains, hiking more in the last month then I have in my entire life. With Emmett, I discovered an obsession with Ethiopian food. With Alice, I attend poetry readings and poke around art shows. With my new friend Ben, I joined the pre-med academic fraternity and the Chemistry club. Bella, with her unique outlook on the world and experience as a local, could be an excellent way to get to know Boulder, but if I ask, she would just punch me again.
For the first time, I have a life and people in it who seem to enjoy my company.
I even like living in the dorms. There are always people coming and going. There are always activities and study groups taking place. I feel like I belong, and I'm never lonely.
And though I love my new life as a college student in Boulder, I need my alone time as well.
The Norlin Library quickly became one of my favorite places on campus. I have never seen so many books in the same place. There are so many different areas and rooms to visit or study. Most students opt for the modern, renovated areas that have comfortable chairs and lots of computers available, known as the Norlin Commons. But I prefer to do my studying on the fifth floor of the stacks. While exploring, I came across an isolated little table surrounded by bookshelves on two sides and facing a huge window that provides a view of the Flatirons.
It's my favorite place on campus. My own little secret spot.
Although I love the people in my social life, I am still a complete nerd at heart. My studies come first, and I have an incredibly hard time focusing on school when I am among the activity in the dorms.
So, on most nights, after I get dinner with Ben or Jasper or someone else from my floor, I can usually be found in the quiet of the library, studying far Bio or Anatomy.
One Thursday night in early October, I'm studying physics when Bella Swan invades the privacy of my little library sanctuary.
"Oh shit," she says, startled when she rounds the corner. My head snaps up, eyes immediately focusing on the dark angel leaning against a tall shelf. She looks stunning, even more beautiful than usual. A gauzy, layered, brown skirt flutters around her knees and a dark green sweater hugs her truly spectacular tits. Most importantly, her long, wavy hair is down tonight, tumbling around her face. Typically, she keeps it up, but it really is a shame because I love the way it looks against her shoulders. She is striking.
"Hey," I say, choking on my tongue slightly.
"Of course you are here," she says with a sigh. "The universe hates me."
I don't know how it's possible to be in love with her when I don't know what she is talking about half the time. Scowling like she wants to be anywhere else, she sits down next to me.
"This is my spot," Bella says with a pout, slouching in her chair and biting her bottom lip.
"Incorrect," I reply, trying not to be offended in her disappointment to see me here. I want to spend every moment near her while she can barely stand to be in my presence. "This is my spot."
"I come here all the time," she retorts. "Whenever I want to be alone." She gives me a pointed look. I might be completely whipped by her, but there is no way I am leaving.
"Likewise." I give her that pointed look right back while secretly thinking it's pretty cool that we have the same secret spot in the library. Though I don't totally know how we managed to miss each other until now. "Why aren't you out? Partaking in Thirsty Thursday?" I am nowhere near cool enough to extend my weekends to Thursday night, like many did. And though I do drink on occasion- usually when Emmett is having a party at his house off campus that he shares with Rosalie and their friends, Garrett and Tyler- I can't handle getting drunk three nights a week. I am not a hardcore partier. Not like Bella.
"I did a little partaking earlier," she says with a smile. She mimes smoking a joint and taking a shot as I roll my eyes. "But unfortunately, I have a short story due in creative writing tomorrow afternoon."
"Can I read it?" I ask, hoping her writing will give me some insight into the thoroughly confounding object of my obsession.
"Fuck no," she cries in horror. "I have a hard time sharing with the useless, freshmen strangers in my class. I could never let someone I know read my shit. Not even Jake."
"Jake? That guy you meet after Biology?" I ask, frowning. Jake and writing are the only things that Bella seems to care about at all. That, and getting high.
"Yup."
"Is he your boyfriend?" It is embarrassing that I don't know this. I like to think Bella and I are friends, but her personal life rarely comes up. I thought about asking this question a thousand times, but I figure I am better off not knowing. The knowledge of her boyfriend will crush me almost as much as her constant rejection.
I am so pathetic.
"Naw. Back in the day, we used to fuck. But Jake and me, we're just besties now. Soul siblings." Bella shuffles through her bag, emerging with her computer as she speaks. I stare at her, shocked to hear her discuss her sex life so casually.
The thought of her with another man makes me want jump out the window across from me.
"Right. Yes. Of course," I stutter, turning back to my own work. How am I even supposed to respond to that?
"I don't do boyfriends," Bella goes on. "Boyfriends are for needy pathetic bitches who can't take care of themselves. I don't need a boy to survive, and I don't want the drama of putting up with one. A couple of hours between the sheets is all the boy time I can handle."
I choke a little on nothing at all and wonder what it will be like to be between Bella's sheets. I also wonder how many there have been and quickly decide that I definitely don't want to know.
"You are awfully quite tonight, Adonis," Bella says, reaching over and messing up my hair.
"I'm focused on my studies," I reply with a shrug.
"Bull fricking shit," she exclaims, slamming a hand down on the table and ruining the serenity of the library. "We've studied for bio before, lots of times, and you are never this quiet."
Again, I just shrug. As much as I love being around Bella, tonight the thought of all those boys that have had her while she won't even let me care about her is just too depressing.
"Ok," she says, rifling through her bag again and emerging triumphant with a long, silver flask. "Enough with the brooding. You need to lighten up."
"Bella…" I admonish as she unscrews the lid, takes a long draw, and hands the flask to me. "We're in the library."
"Don't be such a pansy, you pansy," she scoffs, sticking the container right under my nose. The strong smell of alcohol makes my stomach turn. Although I desperately want to please Bella, to make her think I'm cool, I push her hand away in annoyance. I can't let her call the shots all the time.
Ha. Shots. A pun.
"Fine," she huffs. "More for me."
I really need to get over Isabella Swan. She is not interested, and that is for the best because the girl is a total train wreck. She would be a terrible girlfriend and is no good for me. Resolved to move past my ridiculous crush, I decide to ask out Kate, a sweet girl on the first floor of Hallett that really seems to like me. There is no reason to wait and I resolve invite her to come to a party at Emmett's with me on Saturday.
Forty-five minutes later, the flask is empty, and drunken Bella is frustrated with writers block.
"This is the stupidest fucking assignment of my life!" she declares, burying her face in her hands. "What the fuck do I know about romance? I even asked if erotic stories count, and my cocksucking, prude of a teacher said no."
"She's a cocksucker and a prude?" I chuckle, amused by Bella's rant. "How does that happen?"
"Fuck you, Cullen," she says, turning her blazing eyes on me. "You know what the fuck I meant. Hey! You're a romantic. What should I write about?"
"Bella, I'm a horrible person to ask. I have no experience with girls, and the one I do like tends to punch me when I say so," I tell her with a grin.
Bella laughs hysterically at my words, falling sidewise out of her seat and landing on the floor at my feet.
"Thanks for your encouragement," I say with a laugh as I haul her upright. She stands, gazing down at me. The intensity of her stare makes me uncomfortable in the best way and has me fidgeting in my seat.
"What?" I demand, freaked out by the scary look in her eye. It isn't the punching face, but I have a feeling that it signifies something much more painful.
Without breaking eye contact, Bella slowly approaches me, swinging a leg over my thighs and lowering herself to my lap. My system goes haywire and my dick snaps to attention. With hands clenching the sides of my chair, I try not to groan audibly.
"Wha…" I clear my throat and began again. "What are you doing, Isabella?"
She lifts her legs, locking them at the ankle behind my chair, and pulling herself flush with my crotch. I let out an embarrassing sound and bring my hands to her hips, either to push her away or pull her closer, I can't tell.
"Edward," she says, looking at me thoughtfully.
"Bella?" Her name comes out a garbled question as I resist the consuming urge to thrust out of the chair to be closer to her.
"Tell me," she says, pushing her fingers through the hair just above my ears. "Why does a gorgeous, smart boy from a stable home with a bright future fall for a selfish, plain Jane, pothead with no future and the emotional stability of a three year old?"
Even with her pressed against me, I know who is who in this scenario.
"He doesn't," I reply, working really hard to sound normal.
"Oh." Bella looks stricken, and her fingers fall from my hair into her lap.
"A geeky, socially awkward boy with a good, yet somewhat overbearing family falls for a beautiful, hilarious girl with a rough past because she is fascinating, unlike anyone he has ever met," I reply, hoping my words make sense.
Her eyes are so big and vulnerable all I want to do is make her smile again.
"Ah," she says with a nod. "I get it now. He's delusional, sees what he wants to see."
I let out a humorless chuckle, my eyes focus on her mouth. Somehow, it seems as though her lips are zeroing in on mine. In my terror and elation at the thought of kissing Bella, I am frozen.
"Or maybe he sees what she is so desperate to keep hidden," I whisper because in that moment, it's obvious that Bella cares a whole lot more then she lets on.
"Like I said," she murmurs, mere millimeters from my lips. "Delusional."
Just when I am positive that Bella is actually going to kiss me- kiss me- my phone starts to vibrate in my pocket. I fully intend to ignore the sucker, but Bella feels it too, ringing under her thigh. Sighing heavily, she readjusts on my lap, snaking her hand into my pocket and retrieving the offending piece of technology.
Wow. Her hand in my pocket.
"Ignore it," I shudder, hoping to get the moment back, but she just shakes her head.
When I make no move to take the phone from her, she flips it open and holds it to my ear.
"Hello?" I say angrily as Bell rises from my lap. I grab her wrist as she retreats, but she shakes me off and goes back to her flask, tipping it to her mouth and shaking vigorously in an attempt to get at the last drop of whiskey.
"You don't want to do what you are about to do," says my twin, talking super-fast. I curse under my breath and fist a hand in my hair. "Trust me, little twin."
Alice was born twelve minutes before me and still I am considered the little brother.
"You are so very, very wrong," I say through clenched teeth.
"Whatever, she isn't going to kiss you now anyway. I have ruined the moment."
"Why the heck would you do that?"
"I'm not at liberty to say."
"Alice, that is some bull right there."
"Urgh, fine. You have to be patient. If you guys made out now, she wouldn't talk to you for the rest of the semester. She doesn't trust you yet."
Sometimes, I really hate Alice's little gift. She has an uncanny knack for predicting the future, and though it's weird as hell, it is something I've gotten used to. Just because I am used to shit like this, doesn't mean I like it. I am just thankful she doesn't see everything, and big stuff has been known to escape her sight.
"Yet. You said yet. Yet is good. Tell me about yet."
"Let it go, Edward. Someday you will thank me."
"I don't think that's true."
"You're right. Anyway, I'm locked out. Come let me in. Please?" Alice pleads with me while I watch Bella type furiously at her laptop. Apparently, our little interlude has provided her with the necessary inspiration.
"No. I'm otherwise occupied. Call Jasper," I suggest, studying Bella as her fingers fly.
"He's out at the bars with his stupid Civil War obsessed buddies from the history club. Please, little twin? It's cold out here for a pimp."
I snort at the mental image of Alice in a purple suit, complete with huge hat, animal print, and cane.
"Fine. I'll be there in five. You're lucky I love you."
"Likewise. See you soon!"
I hang up with Alice and turn back to Bella, not wanting to interrupt her flow, but needing to come to grips with what just happened.
"Bella," I start, having no idea what to say.
"Nope," she replies without looking at me.
"But—"
"Nope," she says again, interrupting me.
"I—"
"EDWARD!" She pries her eyes away from her computer to yell at me. I am thankful to be out of punching distance. "I'm too drunk to remember."
"No you're not—"
"I'm not going to talk about it. Actually, there is nothing to even talk about because nothing happened."
"Something almost happened," I say petulantly.
"Nothing happened. And I'm too drunk to remember anything so if, in the light of day, you open your fucking big mouth about it, not only will I punch you in the teeth, but I will also deny knowing what the fuck you are babbling about. Got it?" Bella goes back to her furious typing and there is really nothing else for me to do.
Keeping my fucking big mouth shut, I begin packing up. Roughly and loudly I slam my books shut, tossing them in my backpack.
"What are you doing?" Bella asks, clearly irritated with me. It's fitting, because I am sure irritated with her. Still her eyes don't leave her computer, and I admire her ability to multitask.
"Leaving," I reply curtly.
"Why?" she asks with a sigh, as if dealing with me is exhausting her. "Because of what didn't happen? What I'm too drunk to remember?"
"No," I say simply. For once she can wonder where I was off to, who I will be with.
A moment passes in relative silence, save for the clacking of her keys and the whiz of the zipper on my backpack.
"Where are you going, Edward?" she asks finally, sounding exasperated.
And because I am Bella's bitch, I tell her. I seem to be incapable of defying her every wish. I want to grasp her face in between my palms, kiss her breathless, and force her to acknowledge the connection between us, but I don't because Bella doesn't want me to change her mind. I am fairly certain that she feels something for me, more then she wants. She just won't want to admit it.
"Back to Hallett," I say, sticking my arms through the sleeves of the wool coat Alice bought me last year. "Alice forgot her keys. She needs me to let her in."
"You are leaving me? All alone? And helpless? At night?" I chuckle at this. Bella. Helpless. Right.
"Looks that way. I hope you survive the scary library on your own."
"Bye, Cullen," she says, turning her attention back to her computer. "See you in the next life."
It's embarrassingly difficult to walk away, but I do it.
So... what are your thoughts? What's the deal with present day Edward and Bella warming each other up? And olden day Bella getting all up on Nerdward in the library?
Review!