Good afternoon, all!

So due to the terribly cold weather, I have no class and therefore have a bit of extra time to get this chapter out to your earlier then I thought.

I bit of this is chapter 8 from Bella's POV.

Thanks to everyone hows been reading and leaving such lovely, insightful comments. I love you.

Thanks for reading, and I don't own.

BPOV

December 21, 2010

Somehow, before returning home after two years away, I managed to convince myself that I would slip back into my old life with ease. I imagined that everyone would get a good look at new and improved Bella, and welcome me back into the fold.

I'm a motherfucking moron.

Rosalie's words at dinner hurt so much because she is right. I'm a fuck up who abandoned so many people in my life.

It's going to be hard work, proving I'm better now. Self-improvement is a work in progress, but I feel so different then I felt two years ago.

Needing to calm down after abruptly leaving the kitchen table, I grab a cigarette, and climb through Edward's bedroom window. The day is sunny, so most of the snow melted. The sun's well behind the mountains now, and the air is crisp, but I don't mind the chill. The roof outside Edward's window is one of my favorite thinking spots. Back then, we used to sit on this roof and watch thunderstorms roll in over the mountains. We would make out or sit in silence and just be.

I flick open my zippo, inhaling deeply as I light my cancer stick and close my eyes. Smoking is the last of my great vices. I can't recall the last time I got fall down drunk. Pot's been cut out completely. Drugs are out of the question. And really I only indulge in this last nasty habit when I need to calm down.

Edward sits next to me, and I feel his presence without even having to tilt my head to look at him.

"That's horrible for you, you know," he says, referring to my cigarette, just as he has so many times before.

"I never slept with anyone for money," I say in a rush, feeling like an idiot immediately. "That's not why I left."

"I know." He's not touching me. I wish he would touch me. "I get why you left. I think."

"You do?" I ask, turning to face him but he is staring at the mountains with the most heart breaking look on his face.

There is no way he could possibly know. No one knows. The one closest to knowing is Rosalie, but I didn't think she would say anything and she didn't know the fucking details anyway.

"You didn't want to be with me," he whispers. "I wanted more then you could give me."

"No, baby," I say in horror. He is only half right, but obviously understands nothing. "I left because I wanted to be with you so badly, it scared me. You did want more then I could give you, but that's on me. As long as I can remember, there has been this… weight in the center of my chest. This ball of absolute self-loathing and unworth. My own mother couldn't love me, Edward. So I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt like… I polluted everything I touched and I didn't want to ruin you."

"I know that too," he replies. "For years I tried to change your mind about that, but I just didn't know how. But you've told me a thousand times how selfish you are so if you really wanted to me, you would have stayed."

I laugh humorlessly. "Leaving was my one attempt to do right by you Edward. You were going to fucking put off med-school for me. It wasn't worth it."

"You were always worth it for me." Blindly, I grab for his hand because for the first time in the course of our relationship, I believe him. Edward doesn't pull away, and passively lets me thread my fingers between his.

"I'm glad you're happier with yourself, but I can't, Bella," he says after a few blissful moments of silence. He pulls away, and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. "You broke me when you left. And I'm okay now. You left and eventually, I figured out how to be okay."

"That's what I thought I wanted," I say in misery. His words slice a wound through my chest.

"Mission accomplished, I suppose."

"I'm different now. Not like, fucking magically a normal person. But I feel better. I don't hate myself quite so much anymore," I say, my voice panicky and desperate. "And I miss you. I want you."

"You can't always get what you want."

I finish my cigarette, and Edward goes back inside before I completely break down.

Everyone goes out that night. I decide to stay in with a couple bottles of wine. So much for new and improved sober Bella. It's too difficult to cope with my multitude of mistakes tonight. I don't even bother with a glass as I sit cross legged on the couch/bed, and I chug right out of the bottle. Absorbing the sounds of the soft reggae playing on the stereo like comfort food, I steadily get wasted and brood.

I tick off the things I need to do after Christmas in my head. Get a job. Start going to a shrink. Go visit Phil. Find a way to confess all my sins to Edward.

Eventually, I get bored and twirl around the living room, giggling like a goddamn lunatic. After both bottles are gone, however, I'm back to mopey, and I can't keep my eyes from leaking. Blinded by my tears, I wander back to Edward's room. I like it here; I feel connected to him. I flop down on his bed, blubbering hysterically. One arm hangs off the side of the bed, and I feel the empty bottle slip from my grasp. My eyes drift close as I hear it roll across the floor.

Warm hands around my waist wake me, and somehow I end up on my back. It's a struggle to open my eyes, but its well worth it because when I do, my own personal savior is staring down at me.

Without thought, I raise my hand and run my fingers through his hair. "You're sooo bea—utiful…" I slur as I spread my legs to accommodate his hips as he falls forward onto the bed.

He doesn't say anything, just stares at me with that Edwardy intensity that once made me uncomfortable. Now it just makes me warm. It's like I've summoned him from my dreams.

"So beauuuutiful," I repeat in awe. "So pretty. So good."

"What are you doing in my bed?" he asks, his voice low, dangerous, and fuck all sexy. I wrap my legging clothed legs around his hips as I arch my back. Edward's drunk too, and I momentarily forget that everything is different now.

"Sleeping," I croon, trying to pull his body down onto mine. "Sleep with me Edward. Come on."

"Bella," he admonishes. "I shouldn't."

"Yes, you should," I explain, quickly losing patience as he remains unmoved, hovering above me.

"False."

"Yes! Because you're my Edward, and I'm your Bella." Isn't this obvious? Why is he being so stupid? He's supposedly the smart one.

Edward groans loudly and collapses into the crook of my neck, "You can't say stuff like that to me. It's not fair. I can't… think right when you lie like that. It's the same thing when you sleep talk."

"Not lying." I succeed in getting him to collapse on top of me. His arms wrap around my head, and my arms wrap around his back. We hug tightly, and I silently sob into his neck. I wish he could know how I feel through emotional osmosis because I'm too weak to conjure the words. I want to tell him I love him, but every time Renee falsely told me she loved me flashes through my head, and the words get stuck in my throat.

I'm not a big crier. Generally, no liquid escapes my eyes unless I'm violently angry. But now I'm shaking in Edward's arms, and drenching his sweater. First Alice, then Edward. Sobbing all over the Cullen twins is becoming a habit apparently.

Edwards drags me up the bed, so we both lie with our heads against the pillows. He pulls me into the nook of his neck, stroking my hair and making soothing noises in my ear. I'm probably really alarming him. He's never seen me cry like this. I'm the queen of internalizing and suppressing every uncomfortable emotion.

And right now, I feel so lost. The last time I felt like this, I ended up hitchhiking across the country.

I can't lose Edward, but if he is as smart as I think he is, he'll have nothing do to with me.

"I'm so sorry!" I hiccup through my sobs.

"I know, Bella, I know," he whispers in my ear. "Please stop shuttering, love. You're scaring me."

His use of the familiar nickname immediately calms me. I was afraid I would never hear him call me that again. It doesn't escape my attention that he still doesn't forgive me, but that's all right. I meant it when I told him I'm willing to work for his forgiveness.

I want him to kiss me so badly.

"Everyday was so hard," I mummer, still sniffing slightly but at least my words make sense. "Being away from you."

"I know," he says again, his thumb stroking my cheek. "It's the same for me."

"I can't even really believe you're here," I basically whimper into his chest.

No more words are spoken, and moments later we fall asleep. I wonder if Edward is as confused by the events of the last two days as I am.

January 26, 2005

I avoid Edward for grand total of five days after the punching incident. Mortification and guilt keep me far away. It's wrong. I fucked up, and I shouldn't be avoiding him but he doesn't seem to want to see me either.

This whole situation is really Renee's fault. Everything is always Renee's fault somehow. She seems to be the only person in my life who has the ability to affect my emotions so drastically.

Phil appears to be a decent guy. He is nice, kind to me and generous enough to pay for my college, even though I barely speak to him. It is clear that he loves Renee, the poor fool. I know it's only a matter of time before Renee gets bored playing house and disappears, leaving her doting husband and her fuck up of a daughter behind.

Phil is a family man, and he needs to believe that Renee has learned from her past mistakes and is ready to settle down for real. I am Renee's main weapon to convince Phil that she is a different person then she was when she abandoned me three years ago.

I would never put up with her little game if I weren't so desperate for the money. I feel like a whore. Worse than a whore. I would rather sleep with faceless men, incapable of getting it without paying, than let Renee use me that way. In theory.

I go to dinner at their new house before attending the party with Edward at Emmett's, and Renee announces that we need to spend more time together.

"Isabella, we just don't see enough of you!" she says in a falsely sweet voice. Everything about this woman is different then the mother I once knew and loved. When I was a little kid, she was my best friend. In retrospect, this was because she never really knew how to be a mother, but when I was young I loved my life and my mom. Somewhere along the line, she started to see me as burden and stopped loving me.

The woman before me is dressed in khakis and a navy sweater set. Her light brown hair is teased and styled. Nothing remains of the hippie chick with her flowing shirts and love beads. I'm the only evidence of her former life, and now she is trying to change me too.

"I'm busy," I sat, keeping any emotion out of my voice. The only way to get through these dinners is to become a zombie. "School is really tough this semester."

"I know, darling," she says, giving me a smile and patting my hand. It's hard work not to cringe under her touch. Tuition, tuition, tuition. I chant in my head to keep my shit together. "And that is exactly why we have decided it would be for the best if you lived at home next year."

I stare at her blankly, having no fucking clue what she is blathering about.

"You mean with Billy?" I ask, confused. The Black house is the closest thing I have to home outside of Hallett. How the hell would that force me to see Renee more?

Renee lets out a semi hysterical laugh, glancing nervously at a confused looking Phil.

"Bella, you just have the most unique sense of humor," Renee titters. As realization dawns, I look on at her in horror. "I meant you would live here. With Phil and I. I know that you are planning on moving in with Jake next year, but that really isn't appropriate and this way we can spend some quality family time together."

What the fuck?

Inappropriate?

Family time?

What the fuck?

"No," I say quietly as my fork clatters to my plate. "I'm moving in with the boys. With Jake, Quil, and Embry."

"Honey, we really want you here. We need to be a family again," she says sweetly.

"No. I'm in college. It isn't normal or necessary for me to live at… home." I choke out the final word.

"Well, I just don't see how you are going to afford to live on the Hill," Renee says, sounding kind when she's being anything but. "We really want you here so we just won't be paying your rent."

I almost empty the contents of my stomach all over Renee's perfectly laid out dining room table. Though I still work for Billy a couple days a week and could afford to feed myself next year, there is no way in hell I can swing rent on my own. Living with Jake in a house is cheaper then living in the dorms, but still more then I can afford.

I am totally fucked.

I spend the remainder of the meal in tense silence. Renee and Phil chatter about the weather and Phil's job and church, W.A. things that have turned my mother into a stranger. When I am finally dismissed, I thrust my arms into the sleeves of my leather coat with shaking hands.

There is no anger yet, only fear. I cannot live with Renee again, especially knowing with out any doubt that she will leave at some point. She will assassinate my soul here. I will literally wither and decay.

"Isabella," Renee says quietly, approaching me without the shadow of her husband just as I am about to slip out the ornate front door. "I know you don't like it, but Phil wants a family. I can't show him that I can do family without you here."

"Who the fuck are you?" I say with a harsh whisper as I shove her would be comforting hand of my shoulder. "Suzie fucking Homemaker?"

"Bella—" she admonishes before I cut her off.

"I don't even know who you are anymore. And I sure as fuck am not living here next year," I say, the fear slowly being replaced with anger and determination.

"You will, young lady. I am your mother and you will do as I say."

"Mother," I snort. "Right. I think you lost that title when you abandoned me. Or maybe it was earlier when you stole my first real boyfriend. Or maybe it was even earlier then that when you dragged me across the country and robbed me of a real childhood."

"Don't be absurd," Renee responds with an eye roll. "I apologized for all that. And Scott was far to old for you anyway."

"And far to young for you!" I cry out, my voice rising. I take a big breath to calm myself, not wanting to draw Phil into our argument.

"I'm doing this for us, Bella," she says, attempting to take my hand. I once again shove her away. "Phil is a good man and he will give us a good life. He doesn't ask for much in return."

"When did you become such a gold digging whore?" I snap, opening the door behind me.

"Call me names all you want, Isabella," Renee says, her voice eerily calm. "That doesn't change the fact that you will have no where to live next year."

"We shall motherfucking see," I respond, before stepping out into the crisp Boulder night.

I drive the rumbling old Chevy out of Boulder Canyon, seething and plotting as I go. I really hate that woman and Phil by extension. She is insane if she thinks she can control my life that way.

Barreling along in my truck, I make an abrupt decision to stop at Catacombs, a bar downtown. I glance at the leather watch on my wrist as I park before walking towards the entrance. It's already 9:37, and I am supposed to be meeting Edward for pre-gaming before going to Emmett's party, but I need a drink real bad.

I hand my fake to the bouncer without even the slightest bit of trepidation. Jake and I have been hitting the bar scene in Boulder since we were 16, and the thrill of doing some illegal has worn off.

It's still early so I'm able to get a seat at the bar fairly easily, much to my relief. I just need a couple of drinks to help me get back to myself before I meet up with everyone. It won't do to let any of them see the sniveling pile of weakness Renee turns me into, especially Edward. That boy already sees way too much.

"Whiskey sour," I tell the bartender as I sit on the stool, and light up a cigarette. I sigh deeply, relaxing for the first time in hours.

"Do you want to open a tab?" the bartender asks my with a charming smile as he hands me my drink.

"No," I reply, reaching for my wallet to get some cash. "I won't be here—"

"Put it on my tab, Laurent," says the boy sitting next to me. I jump slightly at the sound of his smooth voice. I didn't see him there before he spoke, and his sudden appearance is unsettling.

Continuing to coolly smoke my cigarette and betraying nothing of what I'm feeling, I turn to the stranger and nod my thanks. He has straight, proportional features and small blue eyes. His blond buzz cut makes him look too sharp, predatory. But he is undeniably good looking.

"So Bella Swan likes her whiskey, huh?" he says with a smirk as he pulls his stool closer to mine. "Bad ass."

I study the stranger with narrowed eyes as I continue to calmly smoke my cigarette. His use of my name is creepy as fuck, being as I don't fucking recognize him. Taking another deep drag, I raise an eyebrow at him.

"You went to Boulder High," he tells me with a smirk.

"Go Panthers," I reply dryly.

"Roar," he says.

"Okay, stalker boy," I say with a chuckle to hide my discomfort. "Thanks for the drink. Now who the fuck are you?"

He laughs loudly, throwing his head back.

"You're feisty," he says. "I like that."

He eye fucks the shit out of me, and I completely lose patience. This dickwad thinks he can say whatever he wants to me, just because he purchased my drink. And that is a no go.

"I'm about two seconds away from raising the feisty bar and dumping this drink all over your lap," I growl out with a glare. "Don't make me ask again."

He is grinning by the end of my mini rant, and this only pisses me off further.

"James," he says, holding out a hand that I cautiously accept. "I think you know my friend, Victoria?"

"Ah," I say, relaxing slightly. "Victoria. How is that fiery bitch? I haven't seen her since high school. Still attached to the vagina with Rosalie?"

James laughs loudly again, and I can't help but smile back.

"Her vagina is attached elsewhere these days," he says lewdly, waggling his eyebrows at me.

"Gross." I snort into my drink as I roll my eyes. I cringe when my straw slurps air, signaling the end of my drink. I want it to go on forever, and I am nowhere near ready to mingle with my college friends.

"Another?" James asks as he finishes his own beer.

I nod and smile sweetly, battling my eyelashes ever so slightly. He eyes widen as he desperately flags over the bartender. Setting my empty drink down, I smirk to myself. Boys are so damn easy.

"Shots?" he asks after my second whiskey sour is in hand. I nod enthusiastically.

I down two doubles in quick succession, sighing in contentment as I start to get my buzz on.

"Damn, girl," James drawls. "What's your rush?"

"Places to be, my man," I say, lighting another cigarette. "And I want to be good and plastered when I get there."

"Plastered? So its just alcohol you desire?" He has a twinkle in his eye that makes me curious.

"I don't really have any options at the moment," I say slowly.

"And if you had any other options?" he asks suggestively. I really hope he isn't talking about sex. Not only am I totally not in the mood, but I don't want anyone who has been anywhere near Victoria's snatch. Nasty.

Glancing over both shoulders, he scoots closer to me, showing me a little bag of white powder in his hand.

Excellent.

"Cheers to that!" I say joyously, raising a final shot to my lips before following James to the bathroom.

Doing coke lines with a random off a toilet is really not classy, but I am having a bad fucking night.

With a final snort, I close my eyes and revel in the rush. I know it's stupid, but tonight I just need that little something extra to make me feel all right.

"Fuck," I say, as we emerge from the bathroom. "I've gotta go."

"Where yah headed, pretty lady?" James asks, tweaking his nose.

"Party with some people," I reply, dawning my jacket as we make our way outside through the now crowded bar.

"At Rosalie's?" he asks hopefully. He is kind of a creepy motherfucker, what with his knowing everything all the time.

"Yup," I reply, popping the p.

"Well, maybe I'll see you there," he says with a wink before disappearing down the street.

And I do see him later that night. And he gives me more coke. And then he gets in a fight with Edward.

Lord, what a cluster fuck.

I am so beyond embarrassed. The whole situation is mortifying, from the coke use to the passing out to letting Edward get hurt.

Oh, and then there is Jake. Furious, over protective Jake, punching the boy that protected me that night.

Jake is so angry. And rightfully so. I was out of control. The whole night was reminiscent of my wilder days, something that Jake and I both thought I'd grown out of. Plus, Jake is firmly against any drug that doesn't grow in the ground. Damn hippie.

I am pretty upset with him myself. He fucking punched Edward. It makes me sick to think about.

I am a motherfucking coward, hiding from Edward. For five days, I don't go to bio, I don't go to the library, I barely spend anytime in Hallett.

I just can't face him.

Edward, inexplicably, likes me. He thinks I'm the bees fucking knees. But now, he sees the train wreck I truly am, and it depresses me terribly.

Edward has given me a whole new reason to want to be someone else. Someone better for him.

It's probably for the best. Hopefully it will end his ridiculous little infatuation. That would be a good thing, yet it still makes me feel like shit.

So I avoid him for five days until Kate Harrison, Alice's friend from the first floor, approaches me outside Norlin Library where I am enjoying a nice cigarette between classes.

"Bella?" she asks timidly, sitting across from me at my picnic table. We are friends with the same people, but that is where our similarities end. Like Angela, Kate is academic and shy. But unlike Angela, she is boring as shit. Angela is quirky and witty. Kate is… just so damn vanilla. Though I do like her better then Lauren, queen of the bitches.

"Sup?" I reply with a head nod as I exhale a thick cloud of smoke.

"How are you?" she asks, clasping her hands together on the tabletop. She is bouncing her leg and emanating stress waves. It's weird as fuck.

"Fucking dandy," I say, flipping my hood up and glaring at the sky as big flakes of snow start to fall. "I hate the cold."

"I'm from Alaska," she says with a nervous giggle. "This is nothing."

"I see," I reply, having no fucking clue what else to say, as I step on my smoked-to-the-filter cigarette. "Snows a lot there."

"Sure does."

I light another cigarette, just so to have something to do with my hands. She is so obviously nervous; it's rubbing off on me. What the fuck can she possibly want? I know it isn't just simple chitchat. We've had a thousand opportunities to bond, what with Alice being the little social coordinator that she is. Kate wants something from me, and I have no fucking clue what it can possibly be.

"So… ah… Bella… what's going on with you and Edward?" she stutters, mouth stumbling over the words. I raise an eyebrow at her, and she swallows loudly. This poor little strumpet is terrified of me. It's kinda cool.

"What do you mean?" I ask, shocked by the direction this conversation is going.

"Are you… is he like… are you two… like… a couple?" Kate's words cause my mouth to fall open in shock.

"Uh…" I say, horrified that people would even think such a thing. Edward's puppy dog crush might be apparent, but I thought my disinterest is equally as noticeable.

"It's just… we have this lit class together and… I think… well… He asked me out. On a date, today… I don't want to step on anyone's toes or anything and we are sort of, kind of, friendly… I guess… so… yeah." Kate is running her hands through her hair. The gesture, combined with the awkward stuttering, reminds me so much of Edward, it's ridiculous. Of course they should fucking date. They are fucking made for each other.

"Naw, bre," I say as I wave my hand dismissively. "We just buddies. Consider this my blessing. Go forth and sin no more."

Kate laughs and smiles, tucking a strand of so-pale-it-might-actually-be-white hair behind her ear.

"Thanks, Bella." She really is pretty, with her delicate features and bright blue eyes. "That's what I figured. I just wanted to check."

Kate and I chat pleasantly for a couple more minutes before I have to leave for class. The girl really isn't that bad, and perhaps under different circumstances we could have been friends. But the moment I round the corner of the library, the pleasant smile slips off my face.

Angrily, I light a third cigarette, puffing on the stick frantically.

I should be thrilled that Edward has a love interest. He really is an excellent guy. A regular knight in shining armor. He is a motherfucking genius with a sense of humor to boot. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen is a goddamn catch. And that is just the personality pros. His chiseled from stone good looks and perpetual sex hair make him the most eligible bachelor in all of Hallett, if not the motherfucking planet.

Kate is nice. Boring as fuck, but nice. Alice likes her. She seems perfectly… nice.

I should be happy for my friend. But I am sure as fuck anything but happy. I'm fucking pissed the fuck off.

I have not seen Edward in days and already he is asking girls out on dates. Logically, I know I have no ownership. Logically, I know that Kate can give him all the things I can certainly not. Logically, I should be happy that he is moving on from his silly little crush on me.

I never have been a particularly logical creature. Selfishness, that is more my thing.

So instead of leaving him alone, like a good person would do, I am overcome with the urge to see Edward.

After my last class of the day, I storm up the stairs in the library, thrilled to see him seated at our table, crouching over a book.

"Where the hell have you been?" I demand when he glances up at me in alarm as I shove him in the shoulder.

"Around," he replies tersely, sticking his face back in his book.

"Oh really? Because you sure as fuck have not been around me," I huff, violently ripping off my jacket and slamming my backpack down on the table. It's a good thing we managed to discover this little corner of the library because no one is ever around, and there is no need to be quiet.

"Bella," he sighs in exasperation, still not fucking looking at me. "What do you want me to say? You were high on coke and almost got raped practically in front of me!"

"Okay, drama queen," I say, rolling my eyes.

"I'm not being fucking dramatic." Holy shit. Edward is pissed. He never curses. And it's fucking hot.

"Worse things have happened. I was fine," I dismiss.

He turns to gape at me in shock, exposing his face to me for the first time. I take in his battered eye, and I am immediately in his lap, tracing my fingers over the purple bruising and bloody cut that mar my lovely boy's perfect skin.

"Oh, Edward," I whisper, my face is only inches from his. "Look at you."

He mumbles something about "coke fiends," but my presence flusters him, just as it always does.

"It works for you though," I say quietly. "You look like a badass." He really does. It's making me hot.

Edward stares up at me silently as my finger continues to run over his swollen eye.

"Jake got you good," I say with half a laugh. There is really nothing funny about Edward getting hurt, but the staring is freaking me out. I need to break the tension. And though I don't actually remember what happened with James, Alice and Rose filled me in on the details. And although James got Edward good, Edward got James right back.

Punching and protective Edward. Sexy.

Edward doesn't seem to like my observation at all, because his strong arms lift me off him, gently pushing me away from his lap.

"That's nice," he snaps, turning back to his book. "Really great."

"Come on," I say with a groan. "I was kidding! Shit. Don't be such a princess."

"I'm not being a goddamn princess." He is seething. It's annoying me. Why can't we just go back to the way things were? I am such a fucking moron. This is exactly why I could never date Edward. He is so good, right down to his bones, while I am damaged goods.

I really do feel bad that I managed to turn Edward into a punching bag.

"Can't we just put the whole evening behind us?" I say, grabbing his hand as I pleaded with him. I gave him the eyes. He is such a sucker for the eyes. "Pleeeeease?"

He is trying desperately to stay mad, but the corner of his mouth twitches. Ah, progress.

"Is that something you do often?" he asks, referring to the cocaine consumption, I assume.

"Naw," I say, trying to sound cheery. "Not anymore. I was just having a bad night."

"Any reason in particular?" he asks, the stress apparent in his voice. He is tapping his pencil against his book frantically, causing the muscles in his forearms to move. He has really nice forearms. I don't recall ever being into that particular body part before, but I can't seem to stop staring at his.

"I don't want to talk about it," I retort, getting cranky when I think about my living arrangement next year.

"But we are friends," he says.

"Oh no, don't you go pulling that friend card shit on me. I gave you my friendship, and I can take it away like that!" I snap my fingers, well aware that I am acting like a total bitch.

Something about my conversation with Kate, the knight in shinning armor routine, his black eye, and those damn forearms are making me lose my shit.

"Don't be a bitch," he says with a resigned sigh.

'Don't call me a bitch," I counter as I watch, fascinated, as his jaw clenches. I really want to lick it.

"Bella, you are the worst apologizer in the history of apologizers. I don't think I've ever heard you say 'I'm sorry'."

I just glare at him because he is right. I never say those words. They're empty. Regret is useless. Renee is always saying sorry, but it changes nothing.

"Come on," he says, bringing his face close to mine again. "Say it. Out loud."

I try not to smile through my scowl.

"Three little words. All you have to do it say 'Edward, I'm sorry.' It's easy."

"You want me to say sorry?" I clarify.

"Yeah. Or thank you. Thank you is good too." He is giving me that goddamn crooked grin again, and I am suddenly struck with inspiration.

"You want sorry?" I said, raising from my seat and stalking forward like he is my motherfucking prey. "You want thank you? Fine."

I drop to my knees, crawling towards him under the table.

"What are you doing?" he asks, voice breaking as my hands snake up his calves and pry apart his knees.

"Saying thank you. Or sorry. Or whatever."

"Bella…" he says, a warning in his tone. I palm his zipper, beaming like a lunatic when I find he is already hard. "What are you… holy mother!"

My fingers trace the ridges of his stomach before flipping open the button of his corduroy pants and yanking down the zipper. Steadying myself with my hands on his thighs, I nuzzle his belly before working my way down.

"Oh… god… Bella," he continues to whisper frantically. "Are you crazy? We are in the fucking library!" he hisses.

"It's our secret spot, Cullen," I say, looking up at him from underneath the table. I can't tell if lust or panic is the prominent emotion in his wonderful green eyes. Poor guy, he obviously isn't used to this sort of thing.

Girls in Forks are obviously fucking retarded.

"No one's ever around," I whisper, staring up at him shyly as my right hand sneaks into his boxers. He groans, throwing his head back.

"Bellaaaa… god… can't… I…I have a date! With… someone."

I smirk, pleased that I am the only girl he is thinking about.

"I know, baby," I croon, finally freeing him form the confines of his clothing. Holy Krishna. That is one impressive penis. "Good thing this is just thank you. A one-time deal, never to happen again. Got that Edward? It means nothing."

With my lips hovering over the tip of his shockingly large cock, I glance up at him, pleased to see him nod stiffly. His brow is furrowed, and he is giving the edge of the table a fucking death grip.

I swirl my tongue around his tip, licking up the moisture there, coaxing a loud moan from Edward.

"Edward, baby," I whisper. "Keep your voice down. We're in a library for God sake's."

His voice quiets, and I enjoy the feel of his thighs shaking beneath my palms.

A moment before I take him into my mouth, I consider the morality in what I'm doing. Edward is trying to get over me, and this is not going to help him, the romantic fool. Edward is going on a date with Kate, a very nice girl. Edward deserves to be happy.

I am a terrible person, but in the moment, I really want to suck his dick.

Selfish, selfish, Bella.

So I set to work, showing Edward another of my fabulous talents. His hands find their way into my hair as I suck and lick and revel in the delight of making Edward feel good. My head bobs up and down while Edward makes some ridiculous noises, trying his very best to stay quiet.

God, he tastes quite good.

With one hand, I grasp the base of his cock while the other gently massages his balls.

And he squeaks.

Fucking squeaks.

He really is so adorable.

I suck, hard, hallowing out my cheeks and drawing him in deeply.

He totally comes apart after that, and I greedily swallow everything he gives me. Edward shutters as I clean him up and tuck him back into his pants. With as much dignity as possible, I crawl out from under our table with a smirk on my face. My body is humming, acutely so between my thighs. I want more of him, but this will just have to be enough.

I am thoroughly pleased with my apology/thank you. After standing, I try to move back to my seat, but Edward snags my wrist, surprising me. He looks up at me with ridiculously appealing, green, tender eyes that stir… something within my cold, dead soul. It's equal parts comforting and terrifying.

"Thank you, Edward," I say quietly, offering him a small smile as I blush. I reach out to stroke his battered eye again. "I'm sorry you got hurt."

Edward still shows no sign of speaking so I lean down, giving him a chaste kiss on the corner of his slightly smiling mouth. He looks utterly bemused and completely elated as I move away. Ignoring my now drenched panties, I sit in my usual spot next to Edward with the corner of the table between us, and pull out my bio book.

"Right," I say, all business. "Let's do some fucking biology! You need to help get me an A on this next test."

Edward blinks rapidly at me a couple times, gives me that panty-dropping grin, and does just what I ask.

So... the thank you/apology lemon. What do you think?

And Edward has a date with Kate?

What will happen next?