Hello All!
So this chapter is short and totally lacks any Edward. I know. Sad. But because he really wants to tell his side, chapter 13 should be up tomorrow. And who knows. A massive amount of reviews might inspire me to make time to get it up tonight. Wow, that was shameless.
Anyway. I don't own. Enjoy!
December 22, 2010
BPOV
Before I have a chance to talk to him after our early morning sex fight, Edward goes back to Denver after our early morning sex fight with promises to return the next day for Alice's annual Christmas party, I know he probably feels even more miserable than me. It doesn't seem possible.
There are no words that will make either of us feel better. My actions speak for themselves, and nothing I can say will make them go away. I have no excuse for my behavior.
Yet even in his anger, Edward is still Edward, and he leaves me the keys to his Volvo to use while he is away. In case I need a car.
It's a million little gestures like this that make me care about him so much. That make me… love him.
My mind still stutters over the words. There is no way I will ever be able to fucking say them out loud while things are so rocky between us. I don't think I could get the demon words out loud when I'm by myself, let alone to him. They will surely be the death of me.
Anyway, he took the bus to Denver this morning and is planning on driving my truck back, assuming we get no more snow.
I feel almost as lost and destitute as I did after Charlie died; the only difference is now I know leaving is not a solution. I'm a fucking zombie. Even Billy notices.
I'm sitting in a spinning chair, absently twirling myself around in a circle as I watch Billy work away at his desk. But I'm lost in my own goddamn head. I don't really see anything.
"I've always liked Edward," Billy says without looking up from his computer. I'm waiting in his office for Jake, who is working in the garage. We're supposed to be getting lunch, so I sit with Billy while his son finishes with whatever car he is fixing.
Only the mention of Edward's name is enough to snap me out of my daze, apparently.
"Me too," I reply, continuing to spin in slow circles by pushing off the floor with my toes. "I really fucked up with him. I hurt him so much."
"He hurt you too. He isn't totally innocent. No one ever is."
"I'm scared, Billy," I murmur, changing the subject because I don't really know what to make of that statement. "What the hell am I going to do without him?"
I knew it wouldn't be easy, getting Edward back. But I certainly didn't think it would be this hard. I'm not planning on giving up anytime soon, but I'm terrified that someday I'll have to.
"Nothing good ever came easy," he replies simply, as if I'm not on the brink of having a breakdown. "You gotta work for the stuff worth having."
"I know he's worth having. I'm trying so hard to believe that I'm worth having, too."
"You are, Bells," Billy says, rolling towards me in his wheelchair with a smile. He leans over and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes, and it feels like I have a dad again. "Edward knows that better than anyone. He'll come around. That boy has always loved you."
"You think he still does?" I ask, feeling small and young.
Billy chuckles as he makes his way back to his desk. "How could he not?"
I smile for the first time since Edward went back to Denver. Jacob enters the room.
"You ready?" he asks, looking remarkably clean as he grabs his jacket. I nod, following my best friend out the office door.
"Hey, Billy," I ask, popping my head back in the doorway after I depart. "You're coming to Alice's Christmas party, right?"
"Wouldn't miss it, kid," he replies. "Now get out of here. Jake only has an hour for lunch and his boss is a real bastard."
Summer 2005
Most years, I love Boulder during the summer. The mass exodus of college student riff raff in May leaves my town empty and peaceful until August. It's like a totally different place in the summer. Usually, I love the pleasant routine of working in the mornings and getting high in the afternoons, surrounded by natural beauty and quiet.
This summer, time crawls by, and I'm itchy with longing for something. If I'm being honest with myself (which I'm not) it's Edward's cock I want. If I'm being extra honest with myself (which I'm really not) it's Edward himself I crave. I miss the motherfucker, and it pisses me the fuck off.
I try not to want, just as I try not to contact him. I usually do pretty well in the mornings when I work the front desk for Billy's Auto Shop because I'm so busy. But when I get to the library on campus in the afternoon for my second job, re-shelving books, I can't resist the urge to text him or call him any longer. As geeky as it is, the library somehow became our spot, and it's impossible not to think of him here.
During the first month of summer break, I resort to old habits as a means to forget. I spend wild, coke-fueled nights with James the creepier, but they leave me feeling totally disgusted with myself and never distract me long from my discontent.
Instead, I change up my routine, spending peaceful evenings with Jake and the guys, smoking our body weight in weed. We camp in the mountains, hike the Flatirons, and swim in Boulder Creek, but I can't help but imagine how much better it would be if a certain green-eyed Adonis were with me.
At the end of July, RA training begins, and I am too busy to dwell on Edward. I move back into Hallett, into the room that used to be occupied by my very scary RA last year. Angela is RAing on the third floor, Ben is on the boys side of my floor, and Kate is on the first floor, so the training is bearable even if Kate very obviously hates me.
Some nights, after training is complete, I sneak into the boy's side and sit in Edward's old room. It's weak, and I fucking hate myself for it, but I feel closer to him and more at ease.
Fucking Edward the night before he flew back to Washington was my worst idea to date. It allowed zero time for a repeat performance, and over the summer, I've idealized our time together in my head. Though he is obviously inexperienced, his enthusiasm and determination to make me feel good is not something I've ever experienced before. Even with all his fumbling, he set me on fire, and I know with a little more practice time, we could be truly remarkable.
I shouldn't even think about fucking Edward like that again. I told him it was a one time, drunken thing and that it absolutely will not change anything. He agreed. Of course he agreed. I was about to fuck him. I could have gotten him to agree to sell his twin into slavery in that moment. I see the way he looks at me. I know how he feels, yet I couldn't seem to stop.
I am a terrible person, leading him on like this.
And I know I'll do it again, because I am fucking obsessed with his cock.
Two days before Edward is to arrive back in Boulder, my residents move in.
It's surreal to think that last year I was one of those wide-eyed freshmen. Their excitement and nerves are palatable as I check in the eighteen girls that are my responsibility. Instead of it annoying me, I find them to be oddly endearing. I'm actually enjoying my job. I didn't expect to. RAing means I have to be a grown up. Rarely will I be able to party. I can't smoke pot everyday.
It's shocking, but I don't think I'm going to mind.
Even easing the fears of many parents is okay.
The afternoon after my hall fills up, I take my residents to Farrend Field in the middle of campus for mandatory get-to-know-you activities.
The grassy field is another one of my favorite places on campus. It rests in the center of the brick residence hall and has a great view of the Flatirons. Edward and I used to stop here on our way back from the library at night and lay on our backs, looking at the stars and talking.
Fucking Edward. Fucking stupid fond memories.
"So you're like, really cool, aren't you?" A tall girl with curly, dull brown hair and pale skin approaches me as I lead the group through campus.
"What?" I ask with a laugh, thinking I misheard her. I take in her conservative khaki pants and pale blue button up. If I had to guess, I would say she is from the Mid West and majoring in something practical like accounting, but she really wants to study literature or history.
"It's just… you look so confident and you know… cool. Your clothes, your hair, your nose ring, your black nail polish. You seem sure of yourself and how you fit in here."
I look down at my jean shorts and ridiculous blue tourist tank top Edward sent me from Chicago. It has haphazard cartoony buildings across the front, flames across the back, and says "F*** YOU, MRS. O'LEARY" along the waist. I find it funny, though definitely not cool.
This girl is weird, yet strangely compelling. And she is right, she sure as fuck doesn't look like she belongs in Boulder, but I don't hold it against her.
"Well… I do fit in here. I have lived here the majority of my life," I reply, attempting diplomacy.
"So you were never a scared little freshmen?" she asks with terrified eyes.
"Naw," I say with a laugh. "But I'm weird. I knew plenty a scared little freshmen. They all figured out the swing of college life real quick, and so will you."
"I guess," she mutters.
"What's your name again?" I ask. Learning all their names is going to be tricky as shit.
"Rebecca."
"I'm going to remember that," I assure her. "And the great thing about Boulder, Becks, is that it's full of all sorts of folks."
"But even back home, everone thought I was weird." The poor girl looks like she is on the verge of tears.
"Boulder is the Mecca for weirdos!" I say because it's true. "We have weirdos out the wazzoo. All kinds, too. Artsy weirdos, nerdy weirdos. Hippie weirdos who believe in the healing power of crystals and like to pretend they're wizards. The thing they don't tell you in Podunk wherever you are from is that we are all fucking weird."
She giggles, and I'm relieved because I thought I might have gone too far with the insulting of her hometown.
"What kind of weird are you?" Rebecca asks.
"The kind that puts peanut butter on everything, even my eggs, and scribbles down thoughts on anything within reach," I reply. "What about you?"
"I don't know. I like to write stuff down too."
"Where are you from, Becks?" I ask as she flushes at the nickname. "Do you mind if I call you Becks?"
"Not at all. I've never had a nickname before. And I'm from Iowa. Waterloo. Nothing ever happens there."
Score! I am truly awesome.
"So why did you chose CU?" I ask, genuinely interested.
"My step-dad went here and loved it. He wanted me to go here, and I didn't really care where I went, as long as I got away from home."
"That makes sense." I nod as we enter the field, and I stop the group at the edge under a tree. "Well, Becks, I can guarantee that you will find people who are weird like you, who appreciate your weirdness."
She smiles at me, and it makes me happy. I feel like I did a good thing.
I sit in a circle in the grass with all eighteen of my residents. They are all staring at me, and it makes me uncomfortable.
"All right, my little weirdos," I say loudly with a wink towards Rebecca, demanding everyone's silence. "As most of you know, I'm Bella and I'll be the boss of you for the next nine months."
They look at me in horror, and I laugh.
"Jeeze, I was just fucking with you. Lighten up! College is fun, not scary." A few of them crack a smile but mostly they continue to look petrified. "Right. So, I'm Bella. I'm from Boulder. I literally grew up less than a mile from here so I know B-Town pretty damn well and don't mind imparting my knowledge on you, so if you have questions, ask. I'm a sophomore and a creative writing major, but I'm thinking about doubling in lit because I love me a good book... What else? My favorite color is green, I lived in twelve states between the ages of two and ten when I moved to Boulder. I like reggae and classical music. If I could travel anywhere it would be to Africa, and if I could meet anyone, alive or dead, it would probably be Abe Lincoln cuz I dig the beard. Any questions?"
This introduction is mandatory, and I feel odd babbling on about myself.
A blond girl in the front with a face full of perfect makeup and designer sunglasses raises her hand. I nod at her to ask away.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" she inquires as several of the girls around her snigger.
"Hell no!" I say, aghast that this girl asked that question of all things. Is that all she cares about? Pathetic.
"Why not?" she went on.
"Because I don't want one," I say, losing my patience. My mind immediately goes to Edward, and that only irritates me further.
"Oh, good. Because I live in the room right next to yours, and I need at least nine hours of sleep and those walls are thin. I'm glad you won't be keeping me up with your sex noises."
Thirty-four eyes stare at her for a moment, mine included, before a devious smile spreads on my face.
"Remind me of your name?" I ask.
"Jane," she says with a flip of her hair.
"Well, Jane. I simply said I didn't have a boyfriend. That's not a guarantee that I won't keep you up." It's an inappropriate answer, and I could get in trouble, but fuck it. She was inappropriate first.
Jane looks astonished, and I smirk.
"Any more questions?" I ask, reclining on my elbows in the soft grass. "Great! We are going to go around in a circle and get to know each other a little bit. Say your name, major, where you are from, and a couple fun facts about yourself. Oh, and also point out your roommate so we can piece together who lives where. Jane? Why don't you start?"
Just as I guessed, Jane is from Southern California and is studying business. Apparently, her daddy is good friends with Brad Pitt, and Robert Pattinson attended her eighteenth birthday party.
Jane identifies poor Becks as her roommate, and I shudder for my little weirdo.
It takes about half an hour for everyone to speak. Some girls are funny, some shy, some snobbish. Most are from Colorado, which makes me happy. By the end, I have my favorite (Becks) and my least favorite (Jane) with the rest falling somewhere in between. Ranking them, even in my head, is probably wrong but I can't help it.
"So now that we all know each other," I say, all eyes on me once again, "We need to move on to the official crap. Drinking and smoking - just don't do it in the dorms. If you're being a drunken idiot or I smell the marijuana, I won't hesitate to write you up." I feel ridiculously hypocritical saying that, but I press on.
"That being said, if you or someone you know is in trouble, their health on the line, find me. Let me help. I know what I'm doing. My door will always be open if I'm on duty, so you can just come on in. If it's closed, knock and I will help out if I'm there. Otherwise, you can talk to Ben, the blond dude who is the RA on the boys side. Angela is the head RA, and she lives on the third floor. Posted on her door is the master schedule, and it will tell you who is on duty when. You can find my class and duty schedule on my door too. On Wednesday nights, Ben and I will coordinate some sort of activity in the commons. You aren't required to come or anything, but it's a good way to get to know your neighbors and there will usually be food. Questions?"
Jane raises her French manicured little hand again, and I internally groan. "Yes, Jane?"
"Is Ben cute?" she trills as I look on in disgust. What the fuck is this girl's deal?
"You would have to ask his girlfriend, Angela," I reply, rolling my eyes. "Any real questions? No? Great. Now, everyone needs to find their roommate to fill out this housing contract. You and your roommate need to set some rules to follow to make living together easier. I'm handing out the contracts now, and it has issues to address. Fill them out and sign them when you are both satisfied. If your differences are too great, come and see me and we'll talk it out."
Everyone disperses and I walk between the groups, listening and answering the occasional question. My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I beam like crazy.
T-minus 24 hours till my plane lands in colorful Colorado. Be excited.
Hopefully he has no idea how truly excited I really am.
Oh, you're coming back? I must have forgotten.
His reply is immediate and has me blushing.
You nasty little liar. I know you didn't forget just how excited I make you. You are totally blushing & biting ur lip, aren't you?
Goddamn it. When did he get to know me so well?
Whatever. The library is lonely without you.
I push send before I realize the implications of my text. He will think I miss him. Which I do. I just can't have him knowing that.
How are the freshies?
I sigh with relief at his reply. The great thing about Edward is that he seems to understand just what I need, and in that moment it's a subject change, for sure.
Interesting. God, there is a mini Lauren in the group. She's just going to love you.
I can just imagine the giggling and awkward questions that will ensue when Jane gets a good look at my Adonis. She will probably hump him on the spot, as if I need another excuse to hate her.
That's something to look forward to. Well, I have to go schmooze with my scary g-pa. Have a good night.
I put my phone away, wishing that our conversation could continue on infinitely, or at least until I see him again. But I have things to do. My residents are finishing up, and I am thankful when all living agreements are signed. I really didn't want to put my newly developed mediation skills to the test quite yet.
That night, I eat dinner with Angela, Ben, and Kate (unfortunately) in the dining hall. We talk about our residents and compare horror stories before declaring that Jane is obviously the worst.
"She asked if Ben was hot?" Angela asks in disbelief. "What's wrong with this girl?"
"I know, right?" I agree, stabbing a crouton with more force than necessary.
"So what did you say?" Ben asks, looking a little too pleased with himself.
"I told her she would have to ask his girlfriend," I reply, and we all laugh. Well, minus Kate. The girl seriously lacks a sense of humor.
"She must really hate you," Kate says, contributing to the conversation for the first time.
"Good," I say, narrowing my eyes at Kate. "I want her to be fucking terrified of me."
I give Kate the evil eye, and she balks, staring down into her pasta. Score one for bitchy Bella.
"You guys all dropped off your living agreements, right?" Angela asks, looking around the table. "I want to get them all filed tonight."
"Yup," I reply. "We were trained well."
"Hi," says a timid voice behind me. I turn my head to see Rebecca loitering awkwardly, clutching her tray of shit dining hall food.
"Hey, Becks!" I reply with enthusiasm. Something about this poor, lost girl really calls to me. She's like me when Renee left. She is young Bella without the defense mechanisms and tough skin. "Pull up a chair, yo."
I kick out the chair across from me and next to Kate, who jumps. Pussy.
"Rebecca, this is Ben, Angela, and Kate," I say, nodding in turn to each of my fellow RAs. "Guys, this is Rebecca. She lives next to me."
Everyone murmurs their greetings.
"Is this okay?" Rebecca asks nervously. "Am I allowed to sit with you?"
"We're just RAs," Angela says with a laugh. "We won't bite. Well, Bella might."
I roll my eyes and smile. "Up yours, four-eyes, I'm perfectly harmless."
"Wait, do you live in 233?" Ben asks.
"Yes," Rebecca says, looking down.
"That's Bella's old room. How weird is that?" Ben continues.
"It is?" Rebecca asks me with interest.
"Yup," I say. "Good times in that room. It's very odd, seeing it full of someone else's stuff."
I think about all the nights Edward slept in his sister's bed across from me and smile.
"Shit. Bella, you're smiling," Angela says.
"Yes. And?" I snap, immediately rearranging my face into a more typical scowl.
"That's weird," Ben replies, shrugging. "We haven't seen you this happy since that last night in the dorms."
He waggles his eyebrows at me, while Angela laughs, Kate scowls, and I blush.
God, that night. Naked Edward. Yum.
"You know why she's so happy, don't you?" Angela says, even though I glare at her intensely. I know exactly where she is going with this, and I don't like it one bit.
"No, Ange," Ben says, playing along even though he knows just what she is talking about. "Why is Bella so happy?"
"Because, the Cullen twins fly in tomorrow," replies Angela proudly. "And to be more specific, Edward comes back tomorrow."
I have the urge to stab Angela in the hand with my fork, but I'm pretty sure that RAs don't do that.
"Shut it, Weber," I reply through clenched teeth.
"Who's Edward?" Rebecca asks innocently. "I thought you said you didn't have a boyfriend."
"I don't, and he isn't," I reply. "So Becks, what classes are you taking?"
"Wait. But do you want him to be?" Rebecca asks as Ben and Angela laugh.
"It's quite the opposite, actually," puts in Kate, helpful as usual. I try to have a little pity for the girl. Edward doesn't want her, and that probably sucks. But I can't manage anything but distaste for Edward's former fling. I don't look too deeply into the why, though.
"Bella Swan doesn't do boyfriends," Angela says in a voice that is supposed to be me. "Even boyfriends as gorgeous as Edward Cullen."
"Gorgeous?" Ben huffs. "Gorgeous? You think he's gorgeous? Shit, Angela. Now I'm gonna have to beat him up."
"Can we talk about something else please?" I ask, sounding only slightly desperate.
"Oh, that's right," Ben says, apparently not ready to stop teasing me. "Bella doesn't like it when Edward gets beat up."
I think back to that horrible night with James, and the bruise that lingered for weeks on poor Edward's perfect face.
"Of course I don't like it when he gets beat up. He's my friend. And he's your friend, too, so you shouldn't like it either. What is wrong with you? Next subject please," I demand, annoyed with pretty much everyone.
"I have a date," Kate offers, thoroughly shocking the pants off me.
"Good for you, vanilla," I say, genuinely pleased. "Anyone we know?"
"Maybe. It's Emmett's roommate. Garrett?"
"Well done," Angela says, giving Kate a side hug. "He's banging."
Ben groans loudly and whacks his forehead against the tabletop. "What's going on with you tonight, Weber? You're going to kill me."
"Cheer up, baby," Angela replies, patting his hand in consolation. "You know you're my man. I couldn't say this shit in front of you if I wasn't so secure in our relationship."
Ben grins up from the table at her, and my heart does something funny. They really are very cute. And usually I hate the happy couples.
"You cocksuckers are making me want to vom," I say with a glare. "We're supposed to be role models for Becks here, and you're making everyone nauseous."
"There's the cranky Bella we know and love!" says Ben, ruffling my hair. "We knew that happy crap wouldn't last long."
"You guys are buttholes," I say petulantly.
"Wow. What a bunch of weirdos," murmurs Becks, causing me to laugh until I can't breathe.
This RA thing isn't going to be half bad after all.
Thanks for reading!