Chapter 16.

Juvenile Correction Facility – Jasper, Alabama, 1982

Don't look back. Never look back. That's what his Uncle Doug always said. Not that he had anything to look back to. But he never thought those words would haunt him. He was trapped by a past he couldn't escape, that ate away at his very own soul, twisting it, changing it, always the loathing and the need to take it out on what surrounded him, leading him to this place.

James glanced up at the ringed barbed wire that lined the top of the fence, it looked imposing, every bit a prison. He briefly recalled the way Uncle Doug had looked at him when he was led away from the Juvenile Courtroom, fearful at what he'd now become what his future might hold.

Trouble followed him. He seemed to attract it along with the disapproving looks and reprimands. He couldn't explain why he liked to provoke other boys to fight, why he randomly stole cigarettes and liquor from the bottle shops, getting caught one too many times.

He'd stopped apologising for what he was, who he was.

It didn't matter anymore. He was adept at shutting out the world, he'd become a closed book, a stranger, not even ever knowing himself.

But he wasn't alone, other boys stood alongside him, shivering against the harsh autumn winds in that treeless yard. Losers just like him, troubled boys with no self identity.

'My name is Officer Thomas,' the big burly 6'2 beefy man roared, as he walked single file in front of them, 'forget any schooling here, your high school education is officially over, your asses belong to me.'

James stood, his skinny lanky frame, all bony knees and pointy elbows with his sudden growth spurt, but it would take more than a strong wind and some tough looking correction officer to intimidate him. The officer stopped in front of him, only inches from his face, they were eyeball to eyeball with each other. He had a mean face, a quarter inch fuzz that covered his head.

'You're a scourge on society, that's why ya sad scrawny ass is in here, you're a menace to the community," officer Thomas growled.

James didn't look away, wouldn't give the prick the satisfaction.

"From here on out you learn to keep your mouth shut and do as your told, you eat when we tell you to eat, shit when we tell you to shit, sleep when we tell you to sleep, you got that Jimmy boy!'

James glared up at the officer. 'That's Jim to you, I don't answer to Jimmy.'

The man's face hardened, a small malicious grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

'A wise ass huh, we'll soon knock that out of you son, I bet your mother rued the day she ever brought your sorry ass into this world.'

Maybe she did. He'd never know.

James wasn't a nostalgic person, could go years without thinking about his boyhood but sometimes ... memories had a way of coming back to haunt him. How did he erase them? A life he never was going to have lived now thanks to his so called new identity as aka James LaFleur but his old life was still very much alive in mind. He gazed down at the forbidden red file, his so called past life. He had found it in Linus' basement. The famous file, the one Locke told him about, the one Juliet referred to and now here it was in his hands, his whole sad sorry history.

Had Juliet seen and read all of this? Probably she had always known far too much about him, it used to piss him off, still did, sometimes, not that she had referred to the red file in a long while.

Picking up the copy of the newspaper article titled, Husband shoots wife dead and himself in front of 8 year old son James' hand began to shake ever so slightly, just a tremor. The article was written so formally, facts, details all in place but not the lived experience, his experience. That wasn't something for casual reading over a cup of coffee. Not even something wanting remembering.

Hushed voices drifted from the living room, 'how can he get past it? How does a boy recover from something like that?'

'Shss mother, he's just in the other room.'

'I can't', she sobbed.

He was hiding behind the sofa, always hiding as if he could make himself unseen, erase his existence somehow then he wouldn't have to feel the pain and anger. It was wrong to be this angry, he would go to hell and never see his mom again. His bottom lip trembled, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to believe in that god anymore.

'Mary is dead, how can that bastard do that to her? The coward shooting himself, I'd rather see him alive and in prison than dead, he deserves the electric chair for what he did!'

'Careful he'll hear you,' Uncle Doug whispered.

He had heard everything. Fuck. James shoved the article out of sight, ran a shaking hand through his hair. His father what had he done beyond his eight year old comprehension, easier to blame someone else. Why was he was doing this, this really was a bad idea. And they had fucking everything in this file, even photos, mug shots of him at the various Dentition centres he had ended up in, plus the one from prison but he wasn't expecting the photo of his mother. It slipped out of that file unheeded and like a moth drawn to a flame he picked it up, his mother and him, him a whole seven years of age. God but he looked just like any other innocent seven year old, it hadn't lasted long. Pushing his glasses up his nose he peered closely at the photo. Is that what his mother had looked like? Young and pretty, beautiful, her face had become a blur in his memory over time. As he gazed at that face he could suddenly recall it so well, like it was yesterday, the way she laughed, the sound of her voice as she read him bedtime stories and the way she would brush his hair back from his forehead, kiss him goodnight, tell him how much she loved him. How could he have forgotten that? A lump formed in his throat. What a waste. His mother lying dead in that pool of blood, he tried wiping that image from his mind. Every time it came back so did those gut wrenching feelings of horror and loss; him, screaming when the paramedics came, trying to prior him off her lifeless body. He never had wanted to let her go. James felt his stomach roll, the bile rise in the back of his throat. Tearing his gaze away from that photo, he couldn't bear to look at it, tears threatened. Wished he'd never seen it now.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"James what are you doing?"

James jumped startled, the red file falling off his lap on to the ground spilling the majority of its content over the floor for the whole world to see, the photo still clutched in his hand. Hell he thought she was asleep!

"You gave me a fright," he snapped, emotions raw, shoving the photo in his shirt pocket and quickly bending down to pick up the spilt contents of the file before she saw it, but who was he kidding.

She knelt down beside him, could feel her eyes watching him but he couldn't bring himself to meet them.

"What are you doing with that file?" she asked.

Now his fucking glasses were fogging up but he continued to blindly pick up the loose pieces of paper, his life, his sad sorry life all kept in a file, meaningless, worthless. He reached for the photo of that angry 14 year old, his very first Juvenile centre but not his last, Juliet's hand rested on his.

"James," she said again, softly.

He froze, shut his eyes.

"Just let me be Juliet," he got out in a hoarse voice.

Juliet wasn't about to, not like this, seeing the pain etched in the lines of his face, eyes haunted. She picked up the rest of the contents of that file and put them back into place, her heart thudding painfully in her chest at seeing him this upset. Obviously what he doesn't want her to see. And what was he doing with the file? It was only going to cause him pain, was causing him pain, why go there?

She took the photo out of his hand and looked at the boy with the defiant eyes, fair hair tousled and messy as if it hadn't been brushed in a while, him looking so angry at the whole world. She remembered seeing it the first time, straight after reading Jack's file, what a contrast but they were documents, past records, nothing more than pieces of paper, neither one of them really giving the truth and James proving to be so much more than Jack after all.

When she returned her attention back to James, he had removed his glasses, was rubbing his forehead.

"Why are you still here Juliet?" he asked, his voice raspy, unbelievably sad.

She took hold of his hands, noticing the photo in his shirt pocket, she had seen him quickly put it there, knew what the photo contained.

"You saw the photo of your mother?"

He didn't answer straight away, eventually nodded "I'd forgotten her face" his voice barely more than an audible hoarse whisper.

Letting go off her hand he reached into that pocket and retrieved the photo, handing it to her.

"How could I forget it?"

"It was a long time ago," she replied, taking the photo from him and putting it on the file, she gazed down at the mother and the child, James, just a boy, too young to witness what he had, scars she knew he would always have, there were just some things that you couldn't get past.

She leaned forward, bringing both her hands up to his face, removing his hand from his eyes, knowing he doesn't want her to see those tears. She wiped them gently away with her thumb.

"It's okay," she soothed, her lips brushed his forehead.

His hands rested on her waist, finally his gaze meets hers. She is rocked by the depth of emotion in them.

"James," she murmured, entwining her fingers in his hair, "you don't have to be ashamed."

"I'm supposed to be over this," he got out in a chocked voice, "why do I still have this damn fucking pain in my heart?"

"Because there are just some things you can't totally get over, that stay with you, always."

"Yeah, well I'd like to forget this," he replied, his voice catching in his throat, "if you saw what I saw ..."

He brought a hand up to his forehead, covering his eyes again, his whole body stiffening. She could only imagine the horror of what he had seen. She removed his hand from his face, lightly kissed his cheek, tasting the saltiness of his tears.

"Don't ..." voice ragged "Juliet."

"Shss," she murmured in his hair, drawing him into her arms, "it's okay James."

She wanted to hold him, till his pain subsided, till the shudders left his body. She could feel his heart thudding in his chest. And after a while, his arms slowly encircled her, his breathing evened out. He pulled her on to his lap and they sat like that on the lounge room floor, his face buried in her long mane of hair. She didn't speak just let him hold her, knowing he didn't like to talk about his past, she couldn't really blame him. He was the toughest man she had ever known, outwardly he could take anything, nothing would break him, that sort of fortitude no doubt something he'd acquired from his past but beneath the tough facade she'd seen his vulnerability, that lost boy, the boy in the photo, frozen in time. But it was long ago and the man she'd come to know and love was probably the man he was always meant to be, just took him longer than most to get there, scars to heal and nightmares to get past.

He cleared his throat, finally raised his face to hers. He looked composed now but there were still shadows in his eyes. Shadows she wanted to wipe away.

The love of a good woman her grandmother used to say can mend a broken heart.

Oh how she used to scoff at that during her teenage years but maybe her grandmother had been right.

"Are there things ya can't forget?" he asked, his eyes searching her face.

"Yes," she replied honestly.

"Like what?"

"Where do I start?" she sighed, god how did she explain it now, that time, so long ago, and she so young but James of all people would understand it, even relate to it and it's not as if it were a bad thing just sad and hadn't they already had enough of that?

"Spill the beans girl," James said lightly, "can't be any worse than my past."

"Maybe not but worse things in different ways," she replied softly with a sigh, seeing the curiosity in his eyes, maybe they should discuss something that would take his mind of himself.

"When I was in my second year of my medicine degree we had to do two weeks observation with the paramedics, I guess I got lucky in that I didn't have to see anything horrible, no suicides, people jumping off buildings, brains splattered everywhere, that happened to my friend and she had to get counselling afterwards."

His hand found hers, their finger entwining and she loved this, how she could share everything with him, how he never tried to correct or change her.

"But one morning, around nine there was a call to a house, a child had died, I remember it vividly still, the mother crying hysterically in the kitchen, a neighbour comforting her, I remember her saying I thought she was just sleeping in. But when she had checked the little girl, only five years old, she was dead in her bed."

"Shit," James muttered.

"She suffered from epilepsy, must have fitted during her sleep and asphyxiated."

Juliet's eyes rested on James' hand, the long lean fingers. She shook the hair out of her eyes.

"How that mother blamed herself, kept muttering that she should of checked her daughter during the night, over and over, but it wasn't anyone's fault and they were so poor ... not that much support when you have no money."

Juliet took a deep breath. "I remember walking down the corridor to the girl's bedroom. She looked like she was sleeping only her lips were blue. Then the father came home, more emotion, then the Aunt and Uncle rocked up, the Aunt got hysterical, the uncle drove off in the car, tyres screeching."

James' other hand found its way to her hair. It was long ago now. Just a memory really, she had seen plenty of horrible things since, but that first time, always stuck with her.

"So what happened next?" James asked.

"The paramedics put the girl on a trolley and took her to the ambulance, they put her inside and the Aunt came up to the girl, was crying, said her last words I love you Becky, I love you so much. God it was sad," Juliet let out a deep breath, "I touched the girls face, couldn't help myself, she was so young, such a pretty little thing and well, life isn't always fair James."

He was twining a loose curl around his finger, his breath warm against her neck.

"The paramedics took her to the children's hospital rather than the morgue; they do that with children, give time for the parents to grieve. They sat in the back of the ambulance talking to her, telling her how much they loved her, saying their goodbyes. We were all crying, even those big burly paramedics that did this day in, day out."

James put an arm around her shoulder, planted a reassuring kiss to the top of her head.

"Ya didn't get counselling?"

"No," she scoffed, "not in those days but I guess I never really forgot it and it's funny because sometimes when I think Mary is sleeping in late I have to check her, just to make sure she's still breathing."

The warmth and concern in his eyes, touching her, god she really did love this man but loving and living was such a risk but to go through life without it? Some risks she was willing to take even if it meant bringing children into this world and chance losing them.

"You never want to lose a child," she shuddered, "I never want to experience what those poor parents did, that grief, not even something that can really be captured in a film." Not like what she witnessed that day.

His hand rested on her baby bump.

"I'd rather chance life with you," he murmured.

Juliet could feel the baby inside wriggle. It often did at the sound of his voice. A slow smile crossed James face.

"That feel weird?" he asked.

"It feels nice, reassuring."

He nuzzled her neck, "I'm glad I've got you," he murmured in her hair, "I'd be totally lost without you."

Juliet felt all warm and fuzzy inside, glad to have him back, the pain of his past receding.

"If I ever get crazy like my old man ..."

"You won't," she returned with force, "I know you, you'd never hurt me."

He brushed a strand of hair back from her face, his gaze falling on the red folder.

"What do you want to do with it?" she asked him.

Silence fell for a moment, shadows flitted across his face. "Just throw it in the bin."

"You sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure, why keep it, sorry I even looked at it now."

James reached for the file and Juliet went to get off his lap.

"Hey where you going?" James put an arm around her to stop her leaving.

"Your legs must be numb by now?" she returned.

"I'll be judge of that, come back here Blondie."

"Let's sit on the couch," she suggested, standing up.

James grumbled as he struggled to his feet. She raised an eyebrow.

"You're going to have to get into shape if you want to be a police officer," she quipped.

"I'm starting to think twice about that now," he returned. "Too ironic, an ex con man chasing crooks down like myself."

Juliet tilted her head and studied his face for a moment. Yes he was back to his normal self now, sort off, at least making an attempt to be.

"Hmm I think it's kind of fitting."

"You hated the idea yesterday," he snorted, and handed the file out to her. "You can take this, throw it in the bin, not as if I'm gonna be that person anymore, James Ford is dead."

She glanced down at the file, can't explain the sudden sadness.

"I haven't been that person in over six years anyway," he continued, "shouldn't be hard to continue living the lie?"

She gingerly took the file from him, picking up the photo of him with his mother, slipping it inside the folder.

"And at least you don't have to try and explain where you have been for the last ten years," Juliet added, just how the hell did she explain it? For Rachel it would have to be the truth, but to the rest of the world?

Oh shit, she hadn't thought of that at all.

She griped his hand suddenly, he looked alarmed. "What?"

"Maybe I should take on a different identity too."

He visibly relaxed. "Shit here I'm thinking you're having a contraction or something."

He raised his hands to the sides of her face as if to frame it, his gaze intense.

"No way, you have all those years study behind you, you have a profession Juliet, no sense in losing that, we'll think of something to concoct for everyone else."

No doubt he would, she smiled, tucking his hair behind his ear. "It better be good."

He grinned back. "Ain't a conman for nothing sweetheart," he returned, his eyes falling to the file in her hands, his face growing serious again. "Maybe we should burn it, don't want it turning up anywhere else."

She bit down on her lip and nodded.

They burnt the file out in the backyard. Juliet watched the shadows flicker on his unreadable expression, the photo of him and his mother safely secured in her pocket. She couldn't bear to see it burn. He should keep this. No one is to know who the mother and boy are in that photo. He should keep at least a little part of his past. Plus it was the only childhood photo she would ever have of him.

Once inside she put the photo with the others that were kept in large square typical 70's style pencil case, checked on Mary who was sleeping soundly. She walked barefoot down the corridor.

"We should go to bed James, we've got to catch that sub tomorrow," she called out and walked into the lounge room.

James was asleep on the sofa. She leant against the doorway and studied his face, always so peaceful when he slept about the only time.

The next morning it was as if last night had never happened until his eyes locked with hers and he would see the warmth in them, a shared understanding that deepened their relationship. Some days it really did feel good to be alive, past shoved aside, now a pile of ashes by the back picket fence. It still lived on in his memory but he wasn't that lost boy anymore, he'd moved on, grown up, become a father, had a loving wife and god forbid but him normal.

Mary squealed with delight as he picked her up till she could touch the ceiling.

"Again dada!"

Hugo held a farewell breakfast in the hall. Their last morning on the island, James could scarcely believe it. He no longer felt the trepidation that he had these last couple of days even with the uncertainty of his future, what he might do when he got back to the mainland. He still wasn't sure about it but he'd have some time to make up his mind.

Hugo was going to put them up in a swanky hotel to let them get used to be back in the real world, they could stay there as long as they liked. Ben Linus would go with them and help them adjust and sort out James' new identity. James wasn't sure how he felt about that but if Hugo trusted Linus then he guess he would to, though somewhat reluctantly. And there was a past to be fabricated, his past and stories to concoct as to why Juliet had been missing for so long.

She was wearing one of his shirts, the pale blue one that reached her thighs and black Capri pants that went to her knees. She looked adorable, he loved her pregnant though he refrained from telling her so because every time he did she'd screw up her nose and say she looked like a beached whale. But watching her belly grow with their child, the rosy colour in her cheeks, the rounding of her curves made her more beautiful than ever, to him.

"And what's wrong with having womanly curves?"

She'd wrinkle her nose and he couldn't resist the urge to tweak it.

"Make the most of it James because I'm hitting that gym once this baby is out."

No doubt, when Juliet put her mind to something she followed through, no half measures for her.

His eyes took in the people around him, Rose with her smiling face, Bernard always trying to please, Miles making his usual sarcastic remarks and throwing in the odd joke, making people laugh. Jin looking happier than James had seen him look in a long while and Hugo's jovial face, flight 815 crashing, another lifetime now.

They really were going to be going home today. The sub was scheduled to leave in an hour and approximately four hours later they would be pulling in at Ann Harbour, former docking station of the Dharma Initiative, kind of ironic, James mused.

Jin stared at the photos of his daughter. She was beautiful like his mother, tears gathered in his eyes but he didn't want Hugo to see them. He swallowed the lump in his throat. His daughter was seven years old and he had missed all those years. Now he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Hugo patted him on the back. "Sun is doing a great job bringing her up."

He nodded, tried to find his voice.

"Where did you get these photos?" he asked.

"I visit her, Kate, all the old Oceanic dudes that survived, keep check on them."

Jin couldn't believe he was here and about to take the sub home, back to the real world, like the last seven years had been a dream. He often pinched himself to make sure it was real but he couldn't let himself breathe easy till Sun and his daughter were standing right in front of his eyes.

"You want me to contact her and tell her your here?"

"No, I want to surprise her."

He couldn't handle talking via a phone, wouldn't feel it was right. No he needed the peace of mind. He needed to see her first with his own eyes, touch her and hold her, then he'd believe it.

"I guess your hanging out to leave on that sub?" Hugo said.

He was and glad to be going with James, Juliet and Miles. He wouldn't leave without them. They had become replacement family to him, they were all close and they stuck together. They needed to stick together too when they returned to the real world. But soon as that sub docked he was going straight to Sun after maybe spending one night with James, Juliet and Miles before flying out to Korea the next day.

Hugo handed him a piece of paper with an address on it. "That is where she lives."

Jin took the piece of paper.

"Thank you Hugo for looking out for them.'

"My pleasure dude and you can keep the photos."

Juliet found Miles sitting on the step of his former mother and father's house, looking reflective and a little sad. She went and sat down next to him.

"Hey," she said knocking her knee against his.

"Hey Juliet," Miles returned, "Jim let you out of his sight for a change."

James did have a tendency to be possessive, especially when she was pregnant, he was funny like that but she found it more endearing than annoying and understood it.

"I guess, and what are you going to do when we get back Miles?" she lightly enquired.

He shrugged, glanced at her a mischievous glint in his eyes, "hang out with you guys I guess."

She didn't really want to see Miles go and felt relieved, he should stay in touch with them, in lots of ways he was just as much alone as James had been.

"Good, we are going to need a baby sitter," she quipped.

Miles groaned. She grinned.

"You know you love it, admit it."

He shook his head. "Yeah well alright and you two are going to need someone like me to sort you out."

"You mean sort out James," she added.

"Yeah him, kind of got used to be ordered about by that grumpy old bastard."

"Subs leaving in ten minutes," Hugo called out from the rec room.

Miles stood and helped Juliet to her feet, she noticed his gaze rest on the house, the longing in his eyes.

"I'm going to miss that place," he spoke quietly, "miss waving to my mom in the morning."

He gave her a whimsical smile.

"I'm going to remember her just like I left her, not the bitter woman of the future."

She slipped her hand into his and tugged on it gently.

"Let's go."

They walked down the dock with just the one small suitcase in James' hand, all their worldly possessions, all they had. She was really going, going, going from this place forever, a nervous anticipation taking hold. Rachel had to be alive and what would she tell her? The truth, as crazy as that sounded but at least she would have James to back up her story and somehow she just knew Rachel would believe her. She had pictured the reunion a thousand times in her mind already, playing it over and over in all sorts of different scenarios and if she had to be completely honest with herself she was petrified. But seeing Rachel again was just one thing, what about her? And once they had come up with a plausible explanation as to why she had been missing for so long did she go back to doing what she had before? Well not straight away of course because she would be having a baby in a few months and where would they live and what was James going to do with himself? Get a job but as what? He still seemed really indecisive about it all and she would have to rely on him bringing in the wage for a time which was such a weird thought when they had lived six years without dealing with money at all in Dhamaville. But she knew what she would be doing when she first got back, she was going to shop till she dropped and she was going to buy real maternity clothes, stylish ones and drink cappuccinos and eat MacDonald's and watch live television.

Hugo nearly crushed them all with his bear hugs.

"Hey would like to return with my ribs intact," James quipped.

"Sorry dude," Hugo returned sheepishly.

"Take care Hugo, thanks for everything," James continued, shaking his hand, taking in his face one last time.

Hugo grinned. "I'll be visiting you all soon, make sure you're okay and don't worry about money, got plenty of it till you get yourselves set up."

Miles face lit up at the mention of that. James glanced at Juliet, already knowing exactly what she was thinking off, shopping no doubt. Well he couldn't blame her. It'd been ten years since she would have last indulged herself. He didn't much care for shopping himself, would just like to have a real beer without a Dharma logo on it.

Rose bid them all a teary farewell, telling them to come back and visit one day. James glanced at Juliet's face, yeah maybe when hell froze over he mused.

He was the last one to go down the manhole. He couldn't help himself but to stop and take one last look at the island. This place, sort of saved him really, gave him purpose, he found love and in so doing he found himself. But time to move on now, time to let it go and face the future with Juliet and Mary as James Lafleur and the person he'd become. He was ready to go, face whatever future lay before them and risk living.

A/N: Okay so this chapter is a tad sad and has lots of reflection but I think James had to resolve these past issues of his before moving on.

I've decided to complete this story at this point. For one the title no longer applies and two, due to my busy work schedule I won't be able to write for several weeks but I can do a sequel (maybe 4/5 chapters) to this story if people are still interested and would like me to, let me know. Bear in mind it will probably be at least four weeks before this happens. And I also need a break from fanfic, I've been writing here now for two and a half years!

Thanks to all who have stuck with me and followed my stories. You don't know how much it has been appreciated or how much those reviews meant to me.

Special thanks to Eyeon who has been my most loyal follower from day one and my friend Eva, both who have totally supported me with my writing endeavours on fanfic. You guys are great!

I'm still in two minds about what James should do as an occupation? I'd appreciate feedback on this and let me know which option you would prefer:

1. James and Miles join the Police Academy

2. James could become a paralegal, safer than being a cop.

3. Suggest any other occupation that may suit him?

I also need to come up with a suitable title for the sequel, something I'm not that good at, and would appreciate any suggestions for this.

Kind Regards

Carol