Hello all! About this chapter- it is really fackin' long. Like 10,000 words long. Which, I know some of you like. But, unfortunately, only about a tenth of it is present day. I know, I know. Many of you want more of the now. Stick with me, it's coming. And as a reward for your kindness and your patience, I will post chapter 16 later tonight.

Thanks for reading!

December 23, 2010

EPOV

"Need a refill already?" Tia asks as I empty my third glass of wine. I nod as I snag a bottle from the counter and pour myself a fourth, large glass. After greeting my family and a few of my closer friends, I abandon the mingling in favor of spying on Bella and getting plastered. Tia has never seen me like this, and the concern is apparent on her lovely face.

With Tia, I'm good. I don't drink. I don't curse. I don't get angry. Truth be told, I don't feel anything particularly emotional at all. But at this point, the numbness is a welcome relief.

Why can't I love Tia? She is nice. And caring. And would probably love me back. But I don't want Tia. I want Isabella, and it pisses me the fuck off.

"Whoa, easy there, tiger," Tia exclaims as I down half my glass in one gulp. I lose track of Bella. I hope she is not once again laughing with Collin. It seems as though they've spent half the party together, and I want to pound something.

"I'm fine," I tell Tia tersely. I'm usually much nicer to her, and she flinches at my tone.

Finally I spot her again. She appears to be yelling at my big twin. Why does she always have to be so confrontational?

"Edward, what's wrong? Why do you keep glaring at Isabella Marie Swan?" Tia asks, sounding desperate and worried.

"Bella," I reply. "She prefers Bella. I'm the only one that gets to call her Isabella."

"You have a history." It's a statement, not a question. "I've always wondered why you never date. She must have done a real number on you."

I shrug and finish my wine.

There is a commotion near the front door, and I turn to see Jake arrive with his father and new girlfriend, Leah. Sam and Emily follow behind them. Everybody loves Jake, and he's bombarded with greetings. I turn back to the wine as Jake wraps his arms around Bella.

I'm highly jealous of the interaction. Not because they once dated, but because it's so simple for Jake. Bella is Jake's best friend. Bella will always be Jake's friend. I'm jealous of the ease with which Jake forgives Bella. I'm jealous of the security of their relationship. I casually step closer to the pair, listening intently.

"Shit, Bells," Jake exclaims. "You look hot. Ow!" Jake's girlfriend punches him in the arm, and I smile. Leah doesn't put up with Jake's crap. He needs a strong woman to keep him in line. "What the fuck, babe?"

"Why does she get 'hot' while I only got 'nice'? You realize you now have no chance of getting laid tonight," she snaps, glaring at him. I really like Leah. A lot.

"Sorry, babe. You know you are the fuck-all sexiest woman here." He throws an arm around her shoulders and kisses her cheek. She looks somewhat appeased. "Leah, I would like you to meet my very best friend Bella. Bells, this is the little lady."

"Hey," Bella says, with an awkward little wave.

"Ah yes, the infamous Bella," Leah says, crossing her arms as she leans back and seems to appraise Bella. "I've heard way too much about you. So you fucked my man, huh?"

This time, when the jealousy returns, it's the normal kind. I hate that he's seen my love naked. Even if it was over five years ago.

For a moment there is stunned silence, and I worry that Bella is going to slap a bitch, but instead she throws her head back and laughs loudly.

"That's right, Leah," Bella says with a chuckle. "A long, long time ago, we fucked. But it was weird. Like fucking your brother. Let me assure you that we will not be going down that road ever again."

Tia gives me a wide-eyed look, obviously appalled by the crass language and the new facts she is learning about Bella's sexual past. I ignore her and keep eavesdropping.

Leah smirks in return. "Damn fucking right you won't."

"I like you, Leah," Bella says, still smiling. "You're tough enough to kick this idiot's ass."

"Oh God," Jake groans. "The two of you are going to gang up against me, aren't you?"

"Damn right, Jakey," replies Bella. "Get used to it."

Jake grins and glances up, spotting Tia. I'm lurking behind a china cabinet, out of sight.

"Hey, Tia," Jake says, waving my study buddy over. "Come meet the girlfriend."

Tia glances at me before moving forward a few steps and shaking Leah's extended hand.

Introductions are made as I continue to awkwardly lurk.

"So how do you know everyone?" asks Leah.

"I go to school with Edward," Tia replies. "Alice's twin? Do you know him?"

"We've met. Though I don't know how you can stand him. He's a pissy little thing, isn't he," Leah replies, offending me thoroughly.

Bella giggles into her drink, while Tia gasps in shock.

"That's not true!" Tia defends. At least one of the ladies here has my back. "He's just focused on his studies. He's very serious and doesn't get distracted."

Bella snorts and mumbles something under her breath. I know we are both thinking of all the times Bella managed to successfully distract me from my studies as an undergrad.

"Oh, have you met Bella yet?" Jake asks, playing the host.

"I haven't had the pleasure," Tia replies. "Hello."

"Sup." Bella pops her p, and I can tell she doesn't like Tia. I wonder if she's jealous.

"You've probably heard all about her too, huh?" asks Leah with a chuckle to Tia.

"No, actually. I haven't heard your name until tonight," Tia replies coolly.

There is an awkward moment of silence, and I know at some point I'm going to have to reveal myself. Then things will get even more awkward.

"Bella and Edward were pretty much inseparable in college," Jake explains. Tia is smart. I'm sure she has figured out that Bella is the girl that broke my heart before grad school.

"Oh, I understand. Edward and I are the same way now," Tia says. I blink in surprise before deciding that she doesn't know what she's saying. Tia is almost as socially inept as I am.

"Oh really?" Bella asks. I can tell by her voice that the punching face is on.

"Yes. We are together all the time studying. Grad school is hard. It's good to have someone reliable to work with."

Bella snorts and Jake steps in, trying to save the day. I'm sure he recognizes the punching face. And the punching voice. "If you spend that much time with Edward," he comments, "I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned Bella."

"There's nothing to say, Jacob," I interject, deciding this is as good a moment as any to reveal myself. Everyone in the group looks surprised but Tia and Bella, both who seem to have known I was there the whole time.

"Aw, thanks, babe," Bella snips sardonically. "It's good to see you too."

I scowl at her as Jake embraces me warmly. "Hey, you left me without any feelings of regret. Why are you surprised I moved on just as quickly?" I ask. It's the wine talking. Normally I wouldn't bring this up in front of company. Especially not Tia. No one needs front row seats to our drama.

"Don't you tell me how I felt, cocksucker," Bella snaps, jabbing a finger at me and thoroughly shocking Tia with her ever colorful language. The two women are ridiculously different. Complete opposites. I've never heard a curse leave Tia's lips. Cocksucker is Bella's most used word. "You have no idea because you won't motherfucking talk to me."

"Like I said," I reply, pouring another glass of wine. I lose track of how many I've had. "There is nothing left to say. I'm over it."

I hear Jake snort this time beside me, and I elbow him in the ribs.

"Good thing you found Tia here right away, to ease your pathetic little broken heart," Bella retorts. I know we are making everyone uncomfortable, but I can't stop.

"At least she was there, Bella."

"God, I left you. It was a shit thing to do. I'm more sorry about it than I am of anything in my entire life. It's my biggest regret. And I missed you like crazy, but you're the one that won't talk to me and insists on punishing me. When are you gonna let it go?" she groans.

"I have let it go," I snap back. "I'm over it, remember?"

"Right. I totally believe you."

"You sound like a child."

"Bite me, dick breath."

"Been there, done that. Again, I'm over it." My lying is blatant. Despite my assertions, the atmosphere is sexually charged as we face off.

"That's not what you were saying the other night," she replies with a grin.

Jake wolf whistles. Leah laughs. Tia gasps. I glare.

Damn it. She's won this round.

We glare at each other intensely, and I down the rest of my wine as the group falls into awkward silence. Leah looks amused while Jake looks resigned and Tia looks horrified. I really should have given her some heads up about Bella, but I didn't even think about it.

Emmett appears with a tray of shot glasses and a bottle of Jack. "Christmas shots?" he asks. I wonder where he found the Santa hat perched lopsidedly on his large head.

I take two and think about seducing Tia tonight, just to prove to Bella that I can.

"What are you doing, Edward?" Bella asks, her voice soft for the first time tonight.

"Indulging," I slur as I pour another glass of wine. The rest of the group is listening avidly, but I ignore them. As I get drunker, it's harder to stay mad at Bella.

"This is like a fucking soap opera," Leah whispers to Jake loud enough for everyone to hear. "We need to hang out with these freaks more often."

"Baby," Bella says sadly, ignoring those around us as well. I really want to touch her and find myself stepping around Tia to be closer. "This is called over indulging. Believe me. I'm a pro."

"I know," I say with a frown. "I always cleaned up your messes, remember? So I'm the pro at dealing with drunk Bella, which either means you are moping or horny. I like horny better."

She chuckles. "I'm trying to change, sweetheart. That person is mostly gone now."

It's impossible to stay mad at her. Because for all the bad times, there are at least four hundred good memories. I forget about Tia and Jake. The party ceases to exist. It's only Bella. It's always been only Bella. I know that I'll need to talk to her eventually, but I'm scared of what I'll hear.

"I missed you," I confess, somehow only inches from her face. She gazes up at me with misery-clouded eyes.

Bella makes the first contact, pushing her hand through the hair at my temple. "I know, baby. Believe me, I know."

"What are we going to do?" I ask as Jake starts up a stilted conversation with Tia in an attempt to give us some privacy. The room is crowded with bodies, and it's hard for them to move away. I think they continue to listen, but I don't care. I'm firmly in la la land with Bella. She is all I see.

"I don't know. You won't talk to me," she says, tracing a thumb over my cheekbone. I close my eyes and breathe her in.

"I'm scared of what you'll tell me," I reply. "You fucked him. Him of all people."

Bella lets out a little whimper, and I open my eyes. I don't like how sad she looks.

"I wish I didn't," she says, her hands falling down my chest until my free hand is clutched in both of hers. "I wish I could change it, but I can't."

"Did he…" I can barely even think the thoughts, let alone vocalize them. "Did he force you…"

"No, Edward." I'm glad I don't have to finish saying the terrible words. "It was my own choice. Not a very good choice, but I made it."

I'm glad she didn't go through that, even if it means she slept with him willingly.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday," I say.

"I'm sorry I gave you a reason to yell," she replies. I have to touch her, so I rest a hand on her hip. Her whole body seems to relax at my side.

"Are they always like this?" I hear Leah whisper to Jake. "I can't keep up."

Welcome to my world, Leah.

"I still don't know what I want," I mutter.

"I understand, sweetheart. Just know that I know that I want you. More than any fucking thing in the whole goddamn world."

Her words are nice, even if I don't believe them. Maybe someday I will. We stare at each other for a while, content in our silence. I don't like fighting with Bella, and although we haven't resolved anything, I feel like we have made up.

"BELLA." Alice is beckoning to my love from the kitchen. "I need your help. Now please!"

"Don't go anywhere," Bella says, giving me a chaste kiss before moving towards my twin. I can't help but smile dopily after her. I just love her… so much.

"Does she own the truck?" Tia asks quietly, drawing my gaze away from Bella. The Christmas party rages on around us, and Bella weaves her way through the crowd to get to my sister. It's disturbingly difficult to focus on my friend, but somehow I muster a nod.

"Are you getting back together?" she continues sadly.

I shake my head vehemently and then look back at Bella's retreating form and shrug.

"How could you not tell me?" she demands.

"I did," I defend. "Sort of. That night we kissed? Remember?"

"I remember every detail of that night," she answers. "You said it was a nasty breakup. I didn't know she was still in your life. The way you talk, it sounds like you never broke up at all!"

"Well, we never officially talked about breaking up. But we were never officially together. She just left. On New Years, two years ago, she just took off. I hadn't heard from her since, until she showed up at Jake's a couple nights ago."

"I can't even believe this," Tia hisses. I don't understand her apparent anger. "It's like you're this completely different person! Like I don't know anything about you."

"What? How?" I ask, tii drunk to deal with this situation properly.

"I've told you everything, Edward! You know that I've never really had a boyfriend and that my crazy parents want to arrange my marriage. There is this huge part of your life you kept from me!" she yells. I've never seen Tia this distressed, and it's all my fault.

"Tia," I say, pleading with her to calm down. I'm just pissing everyone off tonight. "That's not it! Bella wasn't part of my life when I met you. I'd been single for six months, and when I started grad school, I needed to be a different person. I didn't talk about her with anyone. It hurt too much."

I'm thankful my earlier ideas to seduce Tia to make Bella jealous don't come to fruition. I would truly hate myself if I ever used Tia like that. Despite her now obvious feelings for me, I know I never did anything to lead Tia on. I've always just been her friend.

"I know you were always strangely silent about girls," Tia murmurs. "But I suppose I just assumed that it was because you are like me. I thought you were a twenty-three-year-old virgin freak like me! I mean you are so socially awkward. You don't exactly exude sexual confidence despite how gorgeous you are. I feel duped."

"Tia—" I don't know what to say to appease her. Especially about the sex part. There's no denying that I'm a fucking stallion.

"I'm just so stupid! I thought you were as inexperienced as me, but you're… worldly."

"I don't know if worldly is the right word—"

"You've had sex!" she squeaks.

"Um. Yes. I have indeed done that. Many times. Why did you think I've never had sex?" I ask, suddenly offended.

"You're going to have to answer some questions now, Edward Cullen," she says with authority, and I nod immediately.

"When did you meet and how long were you together?"

"Well, that question is more complicated than it seems," I reply, slurring slightly and wishing Tia would take pity on me and save this conversation for later. She just looks at me, and I continue. "We met at the beginning of freshman year, but we were just friends at first. Sort of. I mean, I was in love with her from the get go, but she was having none of that."

"That sounds familiar," she mutters.

"Pardon?"

"Keep going," she encourages.

"We hooked up at the end of freshman year."

"Like, did it?" Tia asks, blushing.

"Yes, Tia. We did it."

"And you dated throughout college?"

"Well…ah…no. Bella has some demons, so for a while we were just fuck…friends with benefits. She would never admit to actually being in a relationship with me, but we didn't see anyone else for three years."

"You had a sex buddy?" Tia asks.

"It was slightly more than that for me," I state. "And then she left."

"Why?"

"It's complicated. I don't really totally understand myself."

"And she wants you back?" Tia asks, looking distressed.

"So she says. Bella never really knows what she wants," I explain with a sigh.

"She sounds like she's a bit of a B-I-T-C-H."

I sigh heavily but don't deny Tia's claims.

"You love her," Tia observes.

"Yes."

"But you don't trust her enough to get back together with her."

"Yes."

"And you've been in love with her before you even met me?"

"Yes."

"And you've loved her the whole time you've known me?"

"Yes."

"God, I'm such an idiot," she says, burying her face in her hands and sounding horrified.

"What? Tia? No, you are a freaking genius!" I say. I'm making Tia sad, and I don't like it.

"I know you said I could crash on your couch, but I had these big plans to confess my love for you and seduce you tonight. I had it all planned out in my head. I figured you were long over your ex by now. You never mentioned her…"

"Tia," I say in a panic, awkwardly patting her shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to lead you on. I didn't lie to you when I told you I wasn't looking for a relationship."

"I know. This is all my fault. You just see me as a friend, and I let my imagination run wild."

"You really are one of my best friends," I say, hoping to make her feel better.

She laughs humorlessly, shaking her head. "Friends. Best friends. Just what every girl wants to hear."

"Tia—"

"I just need a moment," she says, moving through the crowd away from me. I sigh again and pinch my nose. All this drama is exhausting.

May 21, 2006

"You've been dating all year, and we've only met her a handful of times!" my mother yells the day after I inadvertently told Charlie about the abandonment of Bella. I haven't heard from her all day, so I sit on my couch and read, checking the phone every two seconds.

"That's not true, Mom," I say with a sigh. "She was here almost every day of Thanksgiving break freshman year and then again when you visited Colorado last spring break."

"Still, I feel like I don't even know her. She's so sullen."

"She isn't sullen," I defend, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"And she never talks. And she dresses so strangely. And she seems so… sad," Esme says, staring at me like she is trying to figure out what Bella sees in me. Or maybe, what I see in Bella.

"She's had a tough life, Mom," I say with another sigh. "And I am even more quiet than her around people I don't really know."

"I just worry about you, sweetie," Esme says, sitting on the couch next to me. "The way you talk about her… and you've never really had a girlfriend before."

"Mom…" I whine, really not wanting to get into this. It might all be moot anyway. Bella will probably refuse to see me again after what I said to her father the night before.

"You're my little boy," she continues. "And you just look at her so… intensely."

"I like her," I admit. "A lot."

"I know you do, sweetie. That's why I want to invite her to dinner tonight."

"Mom—"

"Don't argue with your mother," she says, kissing my forehead, rising from the couch, and tossing my phone in my lap. "Just do it."

"I can't fucking believe you convinced me to do this," Bella hisses through a clenched jaw as I usher her towards my dining room that evening.

"She insisted. I couldn't say no. She's my mother!" I whisper right back, not wanting my parents to overhear our argument.

"I should have fucking said no," she says, seething. "You know I hate shit like this. I feel like your mom can read every perverted thought in my head."

"Like what?" I ask, grabbing her elbow and keeping her in the hall. I must know all the pervy things she thinks.

"You know. Memories of stuff we've done. Stuff I want to do in the future. Parts of your anatomy that drive me crazy with desire. The usual," she says, still glaring at me.

"All your perverted thoughts are about me?" I ask, shocked to hear we have this in common, too.

"Obviously. Who the fuck are you thinkin' about?" she demands, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No one," I reply quickly. She punches me in the arm. "Ow! Damn. I meant you, obviously. But no one besides you."

"Whatever," she says, rolling her eyes. "The point is, you moron, your mom hates me because she knows that I've corrupted her innocent, genius son!"

"You're being paranoid," I say, grabbing her hand. "And I resent being called innocent."

"Do you remember the library B.J.? Do you remember the squeaking? Do you remember coming in about four seconds?" she asks, letting me drag her towards the sounds of my parents in the other room.

"I have no memory of that of which you speak," I tell her before kissing her quickly.

"And don't you motherfucking think for one motherfucking second that I've forgiven you for your idiocy, you cocksucker. After this dinner from hell is over, I fully intend to punish you."

The idea is simultaneously hot and ominous.

"I really do feel terrible about that, love," I murmur with a wince.

"Save it, cocksucker, and don't fucking call me love," she says under her breath before pulling away from me to greet my parents. "Hello, Mrs. Cullen, Mr. Cullen. It's good to see you again."

"Hello, Bella," Esme says, pulling a lasagna out of the oven. "You're just in time. And please, call me Esme."

"And call me Carlisle."

"Okay," she says, looking uncomfortable. It always shocks me, how nervous Bella gets around my parents. It's seemingly out of character for strong-willed Isabella. But she is making an effort. She obviously dressed carefully, avoiding her standard plaid and tie-dye in favor of a white v-neck and grey cardigan sweater, a jean skirt, and a brown belt with a large belt buckle. Her hair is down, and she tucks a strand behind her ear.

"So, Bella," my dad says after the four of us settle around the dining room table. "How's working with the Newtons?"

"Oh, it's fine," Bella says quietly. "The work's a little dull, but all the customers are really friendly."

"The Newtons are nice people," says Esme. "Even if Sarah is a little gossipy and has a crush on my youngest son."

"Yeah, what the hell is up with that?" Bella asks, sounding like herself for the first time in front of my parents. She looks like she immediately regrets her words and flushes.

Both my parents chuckle, and my mother gives me a look, indicating her approval of Bella's statement.

"It's totally inappropriate," Esme says.

"Agreed," says Bella into her lasagna with a slight smile.

"Well Mike Newton has a crush on you, Isabella," I point out. "So we're even."

Bella just rolls her eyes and continues to eat.

Dinner is pleasant. Bella makes my dad laugh and discusses literature with my mother. I smile throughout the meal, observing Bella as she bonds with my parents. I know she doesn't want be here. She doesn't want to talk to my parents. But she's doing it and actually seems to be enjoying it. For me.

And still she says I'm not her boyfriend.

The girl is obviously in denial. And I don't push her. As long as nothing changes between Bella and me, I'm content to let her stay in self-imposed dark. I'm happy with the way things are, and so is Bella.

After dinner, Dad shows Bella his record collection while I help Mom with the dishes. She rinses while I load the dishwasher.

"I still don't feel like I really know Bella," Esme says quietly, elbows deep in soapsuds. "But she really is lovely, Edward."

"That she is," I say, glancing into the other room where her brow is furrowed in concentration as she studies an album my dad hands her.

"I feel like she needs help," Esme murmurs.

"You've always been very intuitive about people, Mom."

"Just like my son," she says with a smile. "And although I have my reservations about your girlfriend, I trust you. If you say she's a good person, if she makes you happy, I have nothing to complain about."

"She makes me very happy," I reply.

"Good."

"Your dad is actually kinda awesome," Bella says when I finally get her away from Carlisle, and we are alone in my bedroom. "Esme scares the shit out of me, but I must say, if your dad was a little younger and a little singler—"

"Are you serious?" I say in horror as Bella starts poking around my bookshelf. "That's disgusting, Bella."

"Lighten up, Adonis," she says with a chuckle. "I was just yankin' your chain."

"Funny." She was so totally not joking.

"I don't know what your bitchin' 'bout. You may have distracted me with damn good food and your gorgeous father and your terrifying mother, but I'm fucking pissed the fuck off at you, you motherfucking, cocksucking, secret-blabbing motherfucker."

I sit down on the end of my bed with wide eyes as she finishes her rant. It's totally valid. She looks livid and wild. Also ridiculously sexy, but I really shouldn't focus on that.

"You're right. I'm an idiot. I'm so incredibly sorry, Isabella." I rest my elbows on my thighs and cover my face with my hands. I'm smart. I'm used to feeling intelligent. My stupid little joke last night makes me feel like an imbecile, and that's a foreign feeling for me.

"What in the flying fuck were you thinking?" she screams, pacing in front of me. All I can do is sit there and follow her with my eyes. "I haven't fucking slept at all, and just keep repeating everything my father said in my head on a fucking loop."

"Wait. What did he say?" I ask, my concern mounting by the second as Bella seems to unravel before me. She doesn't even acknowledge that she heard me speak.

"He changed everything I ever held true about my relationship with him, my relationship with Renee. I'm just…buried under a pile of what-ifs. I can't… I just… " She's as close to crying as I've ever seen her, and I want to touch her. "I told you all that shit about Renee and living with the Blacks in confidence, you motherfucker!" she yells, turning on me suddenly. She stops her pacing and glares down at me.

"I know, I know." I just sit on the end of my bed, hands fisted in my hair. "It just slipped out. I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry, Bella."

"It's just… Shit! I didn't want to have to deal with that, Edward! I hate talking about that, flaunting the proof of my unlovableness. And then Charlie… He said things." Bella trails off, seemingly running out of steam, and plops down in my desk chair. She pulls her legs up to hug them against her chest.

"What did Charlie say, Bella?" I ask.

She shakes my head and looks unbearably lost.

"Just…stuff," she tells me, somewhat lamely.

"Come here," I say, beckoning her to join me with a hand. I pray that she doesn't reject my comfort. I want her to let me be there for her.

She shakes her head vehemently.

"Isabella," I plead, unable to keep the slight whine out of my voice.

She glances up at me and shakes her head again, more slowlr this time.

I sigh heavily and stand, walking over to my dark angel. She lets me pull her out of the chair and into my lap after I sit on the bed. It feels good to have her close to me. I like to think that I'm comforting her, because she sighs and relaxes into me

"You make the demons go away, just for a little while," she murmurs against my chest.

"What was that, love?" I ask, not sure I'm hearing her right.

"Nothin'."

"I'm so sorry," I whisper into her hair. Her breath is warm on my neck, and she squeezes me tighter. "I never meant to cause you any issues with your dad. Do you want to talk about it?"

She shakes her head furiously for a second, before collapsing back against my shoulder with a huff of frustration. "I don't know," she murmurs.

"Okay."

"You're so understanding. How do you do that? When you don't want to talk about something with me – which is a big time rarity and usually only happens because you are enthralled with something sciencey – I pretty much annoy the shit out of you until you crack. You're patient and kind. I'm intolerant and cranky."

"Bella," I ask, trying not to freak out at her babblings. "Do you even realize you are saying everything you're saying right now?"

"Shit. I said all that out loud?" she asks, looking up at me with wide eyes.

"Tell me what happened after I left last night," I ask softly.

"He said that he tried to get custody. Of me. When Renee first took me. But with his job and everything, the court wouldn't… Anyway, she wouldn't let me see him when I was a little kid. That's why we moved so much, Charlie thinks. Because he was always looking for me. And then when Renee finally let him see me after we moved to Boulder, and he saw me there, and he said I just seemed so…settled."

"That makes sense," I reply, rubbing circles on her knee with my thumb. "He didn't want to uproot you from your life there. Your childhood."

"Yes," she agrees, nuzzling even further into my neck. "He said something similar to that."

"I told you he loves you," I say in hushed tones, causing her whole body to tense.

"Apparently, he even offered to move to Boulder. To be near me. God, I can't even really say it. Everything seems so unreal."

"Keep going," I encourage.

"Renee told him that she would leave with me before he got there, if he moved to Boulder," Bella murmurs. "God, can you believe that? Every time I think I know Renee and am willing to except the shitty person she is, something like this happens to knock me on my ass again."

"I'm so sorry," I murmur, kissing her temple. "You deserve so much better than the mom you have."

"Naw, this is exactly right," she says, pulling away from my embrace and sitting next to me on the bed. "Bad things happen to bad people."

"Bella, you're not—"

"And if Charlie was around when I was growing up, he would have learned that I'm unlovable too," she says.

"Enough," I snap, tired of this self-deprecating thing she has going on. I just want to shake her until she sees herself the way I see her. "You are not fucking unlovable."

"Whatever," she dismisses, obviously not wanting to argue with me any longer.

"I mean it, Isabella," I say, still angry with her. "I know for a fact that you are far from unlovable, because I love you." Her face snaps to mine and her mouth falls open in shock. "I'm in love with you. Have been since you drunkenly stumbled into my dorm room freshman year. "

She repetitively opens and closes her mouth and scoots as far away from me as possible while staying on the bed, pushing herself into the headboard.

"No, you aren't," she says quietly, studying her hands in her lap.

"Don't tell me how I feel," I say sternly.

"You aren't fucking in love with me, Cullen," she says, her voice rising. "We're just fucking."

"Will you cut the Cullen crap? And the 'we're just fucking' horseshit?" I'm the one pacing and yelling now.

"You're confused," she insists with eerie calm. "You might think you love me, but you don't really know me. No one does. I'm a bad person. I don't feel anything. I only care about myself. So you might think you love me now, but eventually all your little delusions will disappear and you'll realize you were wrong all along. And then you'll leave, because that's what happens. Everybody leaves."

My heart breaks for the poor, lost girl sitting on the bed, calmly telling me that loving her is impossible. My dark angel. My love.

"Isabella," I say, kneeling in front of her and cradling her face between my palms. "No offensive, love, but you're the delusional one. You are good, and I love you. I'm in love with you."

"No, no. That's not… you can't—"

Abruptly, I kiss her, just because I don't like the words coming out of her mouth. She responds immediately, her hands fisting in my hair and legs wrapping around my waist. I lay her back on the bed and tear at her clothes, somewhat violently. She's equally desperate. For once, I crave the mindlessness and the distraction as much as she does. I don't want to think about the impossible things that came out her mouth moments before. I can't force her to change her self-perception, but I won't stop trying.

Removing my mouth from hers only to strip off her t-shirt and my own, I pour everything I feel about her into the kiss. My love. My frustration. I kiss us both into oblivion, and I am not totally sure how long it lasts or how we end up naked.

"Edward," she moans, thrashing below me. "Please. Please, now. I need you now!"

I reach between our bodies, thrilled to discover she is beyond ready for me. With one deep thrust, I enter her, but I stop when I fill her to the hilt.

Bella throws her head back and whimpers, trying to coax me to move with her hands on my hips.

"Bella, love," I say in a strained, husky voice as I stroke her cheeks with my fingertips. "Open your eyes. Look at me."

Her eyes fly open, and I just stare into them for a moment before I start to move, slow and deep. Bella locks her ankles behind my back and pushes her hands into my hair again.

"Oh…" she moans, her eyes rolling back in her head as our pace becomes more frantic and our breathing more labored.

"Stay with me," I demand as we both come close to climax. "I want to see you…keep…fuck…keep your eyes open."

She does as I request, her chest heaving with her breath.

"Edward," she moans, meeting me frenzied thrust for frenzied thrust.

"I love you," I groan out before kissing her again. "God, Bella, I love you."

She lasts only a few seconds longer. Her eyes never leave mine as I quickly follow.

I lean with my elbows on either side of her head, still unable to look away or even move. I wish I could interpret her wide-eyed expression. Part of me is terrified that she is on the verge of tears, but then she reaches up to kiss me. It's a blend of desperation and tenderness.

A moment later, I roll off her. I beam when she immediately curls herself into my side. It's a little proof that I'm not alone in this crazy need.

"I love you," I murmur into her hair. She clings to me, and I smooth down her hair. "I love you. I'm going to keep saying it till you believe me."

"You're going to be sayin' it for a long time," she whispers, closing her eyes. She doesn't even let me go when I sit up to pull the covers over our naked bodies.

"I can do that," I reply as her eyes flutter closed.

Bella sneaks out at the crack of dawn to both avoid my parents and to make it to work on time. I wake briefly as she kisses my eyelids.

"Hey, go back to sleep," she whispers, rearranging the comforter around my shoulders. "I have to get to work."

"'Kay," I mumble into my pillow, rolling onto my belly. Bella's body has warmed the sheets, and I drift back to sleep as her scent surrounds me.

"See you tonight," she murmurs, placing a final kiss on my shoulder blade.

I don't hear from her at all for the rest of the day. This is unusual for Bella and me. Typically when we are apart, we share random, amusing tidbits with each other. Text each other little updates. And although I text her throughout the day, I hear nothing back.

At first, I assume that things must be busy at the store. But when the clock strikes five, and there's still no word from Bella, I get really concerned. Something's not right. She's off work. I should have heard from her by now.

I wait until 5:50 before I call her.

"Hi, sweetheart," she says, answering her phone immediately.

"Hey," I say, breathing out a sigh of relief at the sound of her voice. "What's up? So I was thinking I could swing by, pick you up, take you to dinner. There's this diner that's pretty decent. They have good hamburgers, and I know how you like your—"

"Edward," she interrupts. She sounds exhausted, and I don't totally understand. I made sure she slept well last night. "I can't go out to dinner with you."

"Okay…" I say, getting a little panicky, but I'm not sure why. "How about later, then? I could come over, sneak in through your bedroom window. I'm getting pretty good at it, I like to think."

"Edward," she says cautiously. "If you crawl into Charlie's house tonight, you will be very disappointed in what you find."

"And what's that?" I ask with equal caution.

"Because I won't be there," she says in a rush.

"And where exactly will you be?" I ask, still not getting whatever she is trying to tell me.

"Um…" In the background I hear over hear announcements and the sound of many people crowded together.

"Where are you now?" I ask.

"An airport?" The answer comes out as a question.

"What airport?"

"Sea-Tac," she replies cautiously.

"Why are you in Seattle?" I demand, my stomach dropping.

"Well, I am currently waiting for my flight to board."

"Your flight to where?"

"Home, Edward. I have to go home," she says quietly.

I can't reply because I don't have any words.

"I know you probably aren't going to be happy with me. You probably feel like I abandoned you, but I just… I can't really describe it, but I was suffocating. With my dad talking to me and you saying things to me and the sun not shining…" She's blabbering and wants me to interrupt her, but I can't because I have no words.

"I have to go home, baby," she whines, maybe pleading with me to understand, maybe begging for forgiveness.

"Don't call me," I say before abruptly hanging up on my dark angel.

Ignoring the worried protests of my parents, I walk past them and don't stop until I crawl under my covers. All I can think about is how desperately Bella is trying to prove her "unloveableness". For the first time, she's actually doing a good job.