Alrighty. This chappie is a little odd. It's got multiple POV's so we're moving out of the standard pattern.

December 23, 2010

BPOV

Alice has an ice crisis, and I help her bring up more bags from the man cave. I'm not pleased that she dragged me away from my conversation with Drunkward, but it's impossible to say no to my favorite pixie. Somehow, Jasper and Emmett both seem to disappear the moment Alice needs anything, and Edward is so drunk he's useless, so I make a convenient stand-in. I quickly make my way back to Edward. He and Tia seem to be hashing out some pretty serious stuff, so I leave them be.

I'm ashamed to say that I pissed all over him like he's my motherfucking tree. Metaphorically, of course. I probably shouldn't have announced that we fucked like two days ago, but I feel so possessive over him. Tia is obviously in love with him, yet he is equally as obviously oblivious so that makes me feel secure enough to leave them to it.

I walk around the house, finally stopping to catch up with Kate and Garrett. My last conversation with Kate doesn't really count because I was very focused on myself. But now I'm friendly and ask questions and all that shit you are supposed to do as a grown-up. They are engaged, planning on getting married in the spring. Kate shows off her ring while Garrett grins with pride. I can't tell if I pity them or envy them. When we run out of things to say, I move away. Unfortunately, I bump into Collin… again. The dude is fucking stalking me, and I don't like it.

"Bella," he says, tugging on my elbow even though I am glaring at him intently. I move a few steps, and he glances up.

I groan when I see that we are standing under the mistletoe. Goddamn Alice.

"Guess you're going to have to kiss me," he says. I can smell the whiskey on his breath as I debate where I'm going to kick him first. Suddenly he stumbles backwards, shoved away from my body.

I turn to see a murderous Edward looming over me.

"What the fuck, bro?" Collin yells.

"That's so not totally going to happen, bro," Edward slurs with disdain. Even though he is visibly wasted, he is threatening. I almost forgot how hot possessive Edward is. He steps in front of me, completely ignoring Collin's protests.

But I really don't want him to do anything stupid, so I pull on his arm, turning him around to face me. He blinks down at me in confusion, obviously still in kick-ass mode. I would prefer lusty mode.

"Mistletoe," I explain, pointing up at the ceiling and pulling him closer with my hands on his hips. He grins at me before lowering his lips to mine. The kiss is immediately heated, and the shivers scorch my body. His fingers wind into my hair, taking control and tilting my head as he kisses me within an inch of my sanity. Despite the activity around us, I'm totally focused on Edward, and I moan into his mouth.

"Merry Christmas, Edward," I murmur as we part to take a breath.

"Merry Christmas, love." My knees go weak as he uses my old nickname. "Let's go upstairs."

I grab his hand, pulling him behind me, fully intending to fuck him all night long. It's probably wrong, because we haven't really talked yet, but I will gratefully take whatever he gives me. Even if it's just physical.

But my dreams are dashed. As we reach the bedroom, Edward makes a gagging sound and dashes past me into the bathroom. I wince as I hear Edward puke his guts out.

I kneel beside him, rubbing circles on his back as he moans with his head hanging in the toilet.

"Go away," he mutters, spitting into the bowl.

"No."

"You don't need to see me like this," he groans before his body heaves again.

"You've done this for me a thousand times," I remind him quietly. "Let me take care of you for once."

He doesn't complain after that. Not even when force I force him to drink water and shove my own toothbrush into his mouth. I wince again, only slightly, as the brush disappears into his vomited-soiled mouth.

"Isabella, Isabella," he murmurs as I drag him to bed. He stands passively as I strip him down to his boxers. "You're taking care of me."

"That I am," I reply as I pull back the covers and force him to lie down. He reaches for me immediately, whimpering when I pull away.

"C'mere," he mutters. I remove my dress and pull on one of his t-shirts before I comply with his demands.

He rolls over, laying his head on my shoulder as my arms come around his back. "You're so confusing," he slurs as he drifts off to sleep. "When you do stuff like this, I think you love me."

"You're a smart guy, sweetheart," I answer, kissing his temple tenderly. "And you're usually right."

September 20, 2006

A month into junior year, I'm still a zombie. Edward still is barely speaking to me. I can't explain why I had to leave Forks, and him, this summer. I can't explain why I didn't call him, didn't talk to him about it. I can't even explain to myself the absolute asphyxiating sensation that closed in on me when Charlie told me he loved me and about Renee's further lies.

And then when Edward confessed his supposed feelings for me as well, I was fucking done for.

I tried to talk to my mother about Charlie's claims that he tried to see me, but she was her typically avoiding self. She made excuses that I didn't totally believe, but it all just hurts too much, so I try not to think about it.

But it's impossible not to miss Edward.

I still spend time at the Goss house, hanging out with Alice and Rosalie, but Edward makes himself scarce. His murmured, polite hellos hurt more in their unfamiliarity than him ignoring me completely.

I don't plead for his forgiveness, even though I want to. I don't explain or try to get back into his bed. He is better off without me, especially if he thinks he loves me. His words of love show that he doesn't really know me. Maybe he understands now that I left with no warning.

But it's hard. I haven't been with anyone since Edward. I've taken to drinking and smoking alone, avoiding everyone but Jake and Alice because she forces me to be social with her.

I'm working on accepting that after a year, my fuck buddy arrangement with Edward is over, but I'm not particularly happy about it.

Since school started, I've been busy with RA duties and class. I've even picked up extra hours at Billy's to keep myself occupied.

I don't think anyone really notices a difference. When I'm around people, I'm the same hard-assed, strange, foul-mouthed Isabella Swan. The marked change is on the inside. Surviving is even harder than it was after Renee left, but I try not to dwell on the reasons for this.

Time passes. People move on. Edward doesn't even come to the library this semester.

But I'm okay. Life is good. I turned twenty-one a week ago and can now legally buy alcohol. This landmark birthday would have been more exciting if I hadn't been doing it illegally for years.

Also, I was forced to celebrate with Renee and Phil. They gave me a long, silver locket. In one side is a picture of Renee and me, when I was about six. My mom was still my best friend then, and though everything is different now, I hope we will get back there. Only time will tell.

A week after my birthday, the weather is warm and the sun is out, so Jake and I get sandwiches from HalfFast on The Hill. I get grilled eggplant with onions, Jake gets something with four kinds of meat. We take our meal to Farrand Field and eat as we sit in the shade of a tree.

"Do you want to smoke up?" Jake asks as he finishes his seven-inch sub.

"Are you crazy?" I ask, punching him the in the shoulder. "We are in the middle of campus! I see some of my residents! When are you going to remember that I'm a fucking RA? Shit, Jake."

"Sorry, sorry," he replies, putting both palms up in surrender. "I'm a moron. Do you care if I smoke?"

I just glare, and he puts away his Smokey the Bear tin (funny, I know) that contains his various smoking paraphernalia. I offer him a cigarette and he shakes his head, but he flips open his zippo, striking a flame for me. I breathe it in deep, sighing in contentment as I blow out a thick cloud of smoke.

"How are you, Isa-Belly?" he asks, sounding far too serious.

"You know," I say, taking another draw of my American Spirit. "If I was a fatty, that would be really offensive."

"But you aren't," he points out as he stretches back on the grass with his hands behind his head. "If anything, you are too skinny. And you smoke too much."

I snort. "Jacob, you can't really talk about smoking too much, now can you?"

"Just weed. Not cigarettes. Nasty."

"Please spare me the lecture. Chemicals are bad for you, corporate greed, yada, yada, yada. Don't make you tell me for the squillionth time that they don't put that shit in American Spirits."

He laughs, reaching out to tickle my sides. I squeal and laugh before eventually settling against him with my head on his shoulder. I close my eyes, pretending his heat is actually someone else.

It's all fucking wrong.

He smells wrong. He feels wrong. Plus, it's probably really fucking wrong to pretend he is someone else. He is my best friend, goddamn it. I should always be thankful to be around him.

"I'm glad you're back, Bells," he says quietly, getting serious again.

"From where? Forks? I wasn't even gone a month, if you recall," I say, wincing at the memory.

"No, I mean just back." I prop myself up on my elbow, staring down at him in confusion. "The last couple years… you've been with Cullen, and I just didn't see you all the time like I used to."

'Things change, Jake," I reply. "That wasn't because of Edward. We can't stay kids forever. I have responsibility now. And so do you, with the shop and everything."

"I guess. What ever even happened with you and Cullen anyway?"

"Nothin'," I reply. "We were fuckin', and now we aren't fuckin'."

"Was that it then?" he clarifies. "Just fuckin'?"

"Yup," I say, pleased that I sound so sure. "It really wasn't a big deal."

"But you fucked him for like a year," he points out, looking wary. "You must have liked him."

"'Course I liked him," I say. "He's a funny motherfucker in his own dorky way. Plus, he's shockingly good in bed."

"Better than me?" Why is he always asking me this? I give him a look and he backpedals. "Never mind. I don't want to know. So why aren't you fucking him anymore?"

"He wanted too much," I say with a shrug. Jake nods in understanding. Jake always understands. "Come on, I've got homework. You can play video games while I read Shakespeare."

He agrees, and we walk back to Hallett. We laugh and joke, back to normal after the weirdness that was our Edward conversation. I'm happy.

Until I see my stepfather.

"Phil?" I ask, cautiously approaching the man who sits with his head in his hands on a cement stoop by the entrance to Hallett. His head snaps up, and I see immediately that something is wrong. Phil has no real defining feature, besides his relative youth. His eyes are a lackluster brown, and his hair is the same. He's not bad looking, but his face is a total non-event. But now, his panic is written all over his unremarkable features.

"Bella! Hey, you didn't answer your phone," he says, standing and wringing his hands.

"Yeah, I had it off for class. What's up?"

"Oh, not much. Not much." Phil stands there awkwardly. With his hands in his pockets, he rocks back and forth on the soles on his feet. He obviously doesn't know where to begin. He needs to just fucking spit it out already. He's making me nervous.

"Phil, what are you doing here?" I ask.

"I was just… in the neighborhood… thought I would pop by." I glare at him, and he clears his throat. "I was wondering if you have seen your mother today?"

My stomach drops and I know, without needing any other evidence, that Renee is gone. She's left me. Again.

"No," I say, willing myself to stay strong for Phil.

"We were supposed to meet for lunch, but then she didn't show up. I waited an hour before I went home, but she wasn't there either. She isn't answering her phone. I'm sure it's nothing. It's silly to worry, right?" He chuckles nervously.

I want to agree with him, but I just can't.

"Why don't we go look at home again?" I say, knowing that there will be some sign that Renee has left if I'm right.

Jake and I follow Phil's Beamer up the canyon to the lavish home. When we arrive, Phil pours himself a strong drink while Jake loiters awkwardly in the doorway. I told him not to come, knowing that all this strength will leave me at some point. He doesn't need to see me completely break down. But Jake is Jake, and he insisted.

I get all Sherlock Holmes on everyone's asses and poke around in Renee's drawers. They are unsurprisingly empty, and my hands start to shake. On the bathroom counter, I find a sticky note with red lipsstick pressed on it in the form of a kiss and my mother's slanted handwriting: I'm sorry.

I hate those words.

In the room that Renee has designated as mine, even though I never actually spent the night there, I find a similar note. Except she has already given me sorry, so this time, it's Till we meet again. She doesn't even bother apologizing this time, and I'm glad.

I still hate her, though.

I hate that she's never been a real mother. I hate that she's marked me as unlovable. I hate that she's now left me twice, and I hate that I let her back into my life after the first time.

I really, really hate that I have to be the one to break Phil's heart.

I light a cigarette, wishing I had Jake's Smokey tin on me. I smoke manically, walking down the hall and looking at the pictures there. Some of Renee and Phil. Some with me, though I don't look pleased at all.

Renee's fake life is laid before me in photo form. Her lies make me so fucking angry.

I smoke a total of three cigarettes before I find the courage to walk down the stairs to tell Phil that the woman he loves is never coming back. He is sitting at the breakfast bar, staring at his cell phone and sipping a scotch. I can't find the words, so I gently set the note in front of him on the cool marble countertop.

"What's this?" he asks, his voice hoarse with emotion.

"I found it," I reply, my voice equally croaky. I clear my throat and press on. "On your bathroom counter."

He turns it over, searching for more. I did the same thing the first time, hoping that the note would explain. But the paper holds no more answer for Phil. Or me.

"This was in my room," I say, handing him the second sticky note. "Phil… I have to tell you. This is what she did last time. The first time. With the notes and everything. It's the same."

He nods his head, still looking down at the note.

I'm not sure what to do, so I just stand there for a full five minutes with my hand on my stepfather's shoulder. Eventually, he silently pulls away and walks across the kitchen to retrieve his bottle of scotch. He gets another glass, pouring the liquid into two tumblers and sliding one to me.

There has to be at least four shots in the glass, and I drink it down greedily in two long gulps.

"Phil—" I start, feeling the need to fill the silence.

"Just don't, Bella," he snaps. His voice is harsh, and I try not to be hurt by his tone. I know he is shocked. I remember the feeling. I felt so different than I feel now. Now, I'm numb. "Please, just go. I want to be alone."

I remember for the first time that Phil pays my tuition, and the sick feeling I've had since I saw Phil on campus gets exponentially worse.

It takes about two seconds to find Jake, and the next thing I know, we are back at the house he shares with Embry and Quil. I realize that I'm sitting in an armchair, and the three of them are sitting across from me, staring at me intently, as if I'm going to explode at any minute.

I hate their scrutiny, and I hate the weakness I feel as my hands start to shake again.

Only one person can make the shakes stop. Only one person can make this better.

"Bella? Can you hear me? Are you okay?" Jake says, scooting forward on the couch.

I nod absently, looking around the room for my purse. I have to call him. Right now. I spot it on the coffee table, and I lunge for it, suddenly desperate for a little relief. Everywhere hurts, and my usual distractions won't suffice this time.

I dig through my black leather shoulder bag, searching for my cell. My hands are shaking so badly, my teeth seem to chatter, and I have a difficult time finding anything. I wonder why I keep so much fucking crap on my person at all times and decide I'm going to invest in a smaller bag that will force me to carry less things.

My brain might be completely freaking out.

I finally locate my phone, but I can't seem to scroll to the name I need.

"What are you doing?" Jake asks, instantly at my side. "Calling your mom? I don't think she is going to answer."

"I don't have a fucking mom," I snap. The first words I've spoken since we left Phil's are not very nice at all. "Can you please fucking help me?"

I feel like I'm going to explode with frustration. I feel vile, unworthy. If I were a good person, I would not call who I'm about to call, but I'm selfish and needy and weak. He's going to see that I'm selfish and needy and weak, but I decide I don't care. My desire to see him overrides that. My need to see him overrides everything.

"Who do you want me to call, Bells?" Jake asks me, panicking.

I take three deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling as I try to stop the shaking. It's no use.

"Edward. Please call Edward."

EPOV

"Alice," I say, trying to talk some sense into my sister. "Maybe you should have the strength to except what you cannot change. I don't think you are ever going to be a good cook. You'll poison us all if you serve this."

"I don't need your pessimism fucking with my meal, Edward!" she replies, batting me away. I retreat, sitting at the breakfast bar with a sigh. Teasing Alice momentarily distracts me, but now that the fun is over, I'm back to brooding. I've been perpetually brooding since Bella left me all alone in Washington. It was eye-opening, really. At least now I'm totally positive that my feelings for Bella are completely one-sided. I'm moving on, better off without her drama in my life.

I miss her like fucking crazy.

"Good God, man!" Alice exclaims, catching me brooding. She's been on my case to pep up lately. "You need to get laid."

The thought of being with anyone but Bella has not even crossed my mind and makes me unbelievably sad. But maybe Alice is right. It would mean that I am totally over Bella, wouldn't it?

I realize that thinking about Bella in regard to every decision I make doesn't prove I'm over her at all.

"Maybe," I reply, sounding like a petulant child.

"Want me to set you up with someone?" Alice asks, raising an eyebrow at me. She wears a ridiculous, frilly apron, and the brown goop in the pan smells like rotten cheese.

"Y…yes?" I stammer. She rolls her eyes at me and turns back to her cooking.

"Have you talked to Bella at all? Since you got back to Boulder?" she asks.

"Nope," I reply.

"Have you thought that maybe you should?"

"Nope," I say again.

"Oh, Edward," she sighs. "Why does life have to be so complicated?"

"It's not complicated for you," I say, sounding sulky again.

"How the hell would you know? Just because Jasper and I are very much in love doesn't mean we don't have our issues. Everyone's got problems, baby brother. And our Bella has a whole shit ton of them."

"Can we please talk about something else?" I plead as my cell goes off next to me.

"Answer your phone, you grumpy bugger," Alice demands.

I roll my eyes, pick up my phone, and almost drop it when I see the name illuminating the front.

Isabella.

Holy shit.

"Holy shit," I say.

"What? Who is it?" Alice asks.

"Bella," I reply quietly.

"Well, looks like you will be talking to her after all. Answer it, don't just stare like a moron."

I take a deep breath to center myself before I push the green button to answer.

"Hello?" I brace myself to hear Bella's voice. I'm not ready yet. I'm not strong enough to resist her.

"Uhhhh…" The voice that greets me is deep, male, and distinctly not Bella-ish. Again, I almost drop it in surprise. "Edward?"

"Who the hell is this?" I demand.

"Jake. You know, Jacob Black."

"Right. What do you want?" This conversation is freaking me out.

"Um… Bella asked me to call… I don't really know why though," he says, sounding upset.

"Is she okay? What happened? What's wrong? Is she alright?" I lose my tough guy attitude immediately. My heart drops with worry for the girl I still unwillingly love.

"No. I mean yes. I mean… shit. I think you should come over. I think she wants you to come over." Jake sounds exhausted, and I'm slipping on my sneakers before I even know where I'm going.

"Where is she? Is she hurt?" I ask, unlocking Emmett's jeep as I stride out the front door.

"Physically, she is fine. She's at my place. On The Hill. You've been here before."

"Yeah, I should be there in ten."

We hang up and, true to my word, I park on the street ten minutes later. My heart is pounding as I knock on the door.

"Where is she?" I demand, glaring at Jacob when he answers the door. He looks like he is at a total loss, but I decide he has hurt Bella somehow and burst in his door without invitation.

"Living room," he mumbles. I don't wait for him to lead the way. I basically run down the hall, stopping abruptly when I see Bella sitting in an oversized chair.

My eyes scan her body, searching for a sign of injury. I have no idea what is going on, but the horrible things I think up must be worse than reality.

I look at Bella and think that maybe I'm wrong.

She looks so terribly small, dwarfed by the chair. Her legs are pulled up to her chin, and she hugs them as she rocks slightly. Her hair is up in a messy bun on the top of her head, and she wears red feather earrings. Her eyes are closed at first, but her head snaps up when she hears me approach.

Even though she is obviously hurting, it feels so good to be in the same room as her again.

Her whole body relaxes back into the couch when she sees me. She lets out a quaking breath, and her hands shake. There is absolute devastation in her big brown eyes, and I'm crouching in front of her in a matter of seconds.

"Isabella," I say, grabbing her hands to still her quivers. "What happened, love?"

She just continues to stare, her eyes pleading with me. I just wish I knew what she wants.

I stroke her cheek, and she leans forward, closing her eyes again and resting her forehead on mine. She is scaring me. This lost, vulnerable girl before me is virtually unrecognizable, and my anger evaporates. Or at least transfers to Jacob, who I want to strangle, because somehow I decide this is all his fault.

I kiss her tenderly, just trying to get her out of this terrifying comatose state. She responds, shuffling her body closer to mine, and I feel whole again. I pull away after a moment, completely forgetting our audience, and trace her cheekbone with my thumb.

"Please, Bella," I beg. "What happened?"

"I'm fine," she murmurs, averting her gaze. I tilt her face back towards mine and give her a stern look that implores her to just tell me already. "She left," Bella finally says in a small voice, her head flopping forward to rest against my neck.

I don't need to ask who, and I hug her tightly, all ill will from the summer forgotten. Bella doesn't cry, as I would expect. She just shakes, though it gets better when I attempt to still her movements.

"Oh, Bella," I say. "I'm so sorry she's doing this to you again."

I want to kill Renee. I glance up at Jacob, who is towering over us, and I can see that he agrees. Though I think he might also want to kill me for being the one Bella needs right now.

Love and a need to protect this fragile creature bloom in my chest as Bella clings to me. I know she is probably bad for me. I know that I shouldn't be with her if she can't love me back. But I'm beyond caring. I've been miserable without her, and she very obviously wants me too.

She feels so slight against my chest, and I worry that she's lost weight. Glaring at Jake again, I feel her ribs between my fingers. He should have been taking better care of my girl. He shrugs his shoulders and glares right back, though through his anger I can see his sadness. He genuinely cares for Bella, might even be in love with her, and it must really fucking suck to see her need another. Especially someone as strong as Bella.

The joy I would normally experience at being there for Bella is gone, though, because she is suffering. I'm helpless to do anything but hold her.

So I do. For at least half an hour, until Bella stirs.

"Edward?" she whispers from where her head is buried in my shoulder.

"Yes, love?" I reply.

"Will you take me home now?" she asks in that small, vulnerable voice that is such a contrast to her normal, vibrant self.

She's referring to the house on Goss, not her sterile, impersonal dorm room.

"Of course, love." I stand, shaking out my calves that have fallen asleep from being crouched in the same position for so long. I tuck her under my arm as she unsteadily gets to her feet. Jake hands me her purse and walks us to Emmett's Jeep. Bella settles in the front seat, and I move around to the driver's side, but Jake stops me as I reach for the handle.

"She likes tea when she's upset," he says. He looks tired and heartbroken.

"I know," I murmur, feeling uncomfortable.

"Also, rub her back. She falls asleep easier."

I know this too, but saying so seems cruel, so I just nod.

"She probably needs comfortable shit to sleep in," Jake says in a rush, his voice once again stopping me from entering the car. "I could go grab some sweat pants."

"She has stuff at my house," I dismiss.

"Why the fuck would she have stuff at your house?" he demands.

I don't know how to reply. Bella has obviously kept him in the dark regarding many aspects of our relationship. Or former relationship. Or whatever.

And in reality, we should have done the exchanging of stuff as soon as I got back from Forks, but it never happened. It's like we just put our relationship on pause, and neither of us pushed to officially end it. Her toothbrush still sits next to mine. She still has PJs and underwear in her designated drawer and jeans in her section of the closet. I've just been ignoring their existence until now.

"Why do you think?" I ask, annoyed that he is keeping me from Bella. I move to open my door, but his voice stops me. A-freaking-gain.

"Wait!" he yells. "Just… shit. I guess you and Bells are a lot more serious than she let on, huh?"

I shrug, being as I have no idea how serious Bella and I are. Or were. Or whatever.

"She's not as strong and independent as she wants everyone to think, you know," he says, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

I glance back into the car, where Bella is sitting with her eyes closed. She takes deep, slow breaths as if her focus on her breathing is all that is keeping her from completely losing it.

"I care about her, Jacob," I say quietly. "A lot. I'm not going to hurt her."

"Sure, sure," he replies. "Call me if she needs anything."

I nod again and quickly get in the car before he can stop me.

All the roommates are gathered in the kitchen when we arrive home, but I rush Bella up the stairs before they can stop us. She doesn't look like she can deal with anything at the moment, especially the high inquisition from our nosey friends.

Bella looks so lost, and her movements are robotic as she changes into a t-shirt of mine. I avert my eyes, which is ridiculous because I know Bella's naked form better than I know my own. I can recall every detail of her beautiful body to my mind easily, a skill that I've been utilizing embarrassingly often in the last couple months.

She moves around the room, finally climbing into my bed, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be presumptuous and assume that she still wants me there. But then she turns her big, lost eyes on me, and I rush to her side. I shuck my hooded sweatshirt and sneakers before sliding in next to her. She immediately curls into my side. Once again, I still her shaking hands as she looks up at me with those eyes. We lie together in silence as I stroke her hair. The tension slowly leaves her body.

I gently remove the hair tie that keeps her long, mahogany hair up in a messy knot. It tumbles around her shoulders, and my fingers play with the silky strands.

We stay that way for a really long time. At some point, Alice pops her head in the doorway, looking nervous. I shake my head when she attempts to enter, and I mime our handshake, indicating that I will talk to her later. Alice nods and places a mug of tea on my dresser before disappearing again.

Bella doesn't seem to notice.

"Do you want some tea?" I ask after a few more minutes of silence.

She just shakes her head and continues to stare at me with her big, sad eyes. I stare right back, drinking in her features as if I am dying of thirst for her. Which is probably a pretty accurate way to describe the past few months.

"I was scared that you wouldn't come get me," she murmurs after an insurmountable time passes in silence.

"I'll always be there for you, Bella," I tell her, because it's the truth.

"I missed you," she confesses, closing her eyes and pulling me impossibly closer.

"I missed you too," I respond, because that's the truth too.

"I feel so fucking stupid!" she yells, tensing up all over again.

"Why, baby?" I ask, alarmed. I roll to my side so I can see her face better.

"Because I fucking let Renee into my life when she came back, spouting lies of reform! I knew she couldn't change, yet I was stupid enough to buy into her crap. Fool me once, shame on whatever, fool me twice, shame on me, or whatever the fuck that saying is."

She's on quite the roll, and I hope the venting is helping, so I don't interrupt.

"But she weasels her way back in. Like this! Do you see this?" She reaches under my t-shirt that she wears and shows me a locket, popping it open to reveal a tiny picture of her and Renee.

"She fucking gave me this for my goddamn twenty-first birthday a week ago. A motherfucking week ago! She is the mother of all cocksuckers. How the fuck could she do this to me again? And Phil! I had to be the one to tell my stepfather that his motherfucking wife left him with no explanation. And he is paying my tuition! What the fuck am I going to do? It's probably too late to get loans for the semester. I'll have to drop out and…and…"

I keep expecting Bella to cry. She has gone from zombie to angry, so I think maybe she is finally going to let out the sadness and hurt. Instead she sits up, her whole body shaking and her mouth clenched shut, as if she is physically keeping her sobs at bay. She abruptly chucks the locket against a nearby wall. It bounces, and I watch it slide across the floor and come to rest under my desk.

"Renee really sucks," I say, rubbing her back.

Bella snorts, but continues to shake.

"But it's her, Bella," I say, pulling her down so we are facing each other in bed. Once again I hold her hands, and the tremors stop. "Renee has her own crazy mental problems that keep her from changing. It's her. She is the failure, not you. You are perfect."

She glares at me. "I'm not perfect. I'm unlovable. AND don't even say it!" she bellows, cutting me off. I was indeed about to tell her that I love her, but again that seems like more emotion than she can handle right now, so I keep quiet.

"It's her, Bella," I repeat, stroking her face and looking at her tenderly. "Not you."

She closes her eyes and lets out a shuddering breath. "I'm just so tired," she whimpers. "I'm so tired of feeling like this. It's like I want to crawl out of my own skin and be someone else."

"I quite like you in your skin," I reply. She is breaking my heart, but I don't know what to do to make her feel better.

"I don't understand you, Edward," she says, sounding as exhausted as she claims to be. "Why do you put up with me? I cause you nothing but drama, drama, drama."

"All I know is that my life is a whole lot more interesting, and enjoyable with you in it." I kiss her temple and will her to believe me.

"I guess I could say the same to you," she replies, her fingers threading through my hair. Though she smiles momentarily, her face falls, and once again, I think she is going to cry. She looks so dejected, my heart aches. Her pain is my pain, and I would do anything to make it stop. She brings her hands up to cover her face and curls into a little ball at my chest. I put my arms around her, keeping her close. She lets out a little whimper, and I think she is finally crying , but when she removes her hands, her cheeks are dry and her big brown eyes are vacant.

I stroke her hair, kissing any part of her face I can reach: eyelids, cheeks, nose, lips, forehead. I hope she finds my actions comforting.

It's a strange mix of emotions for me. I'm thrilled to see her again, overjoyed that she needs me, that I'm the person she turns to when things get hard. At the same time, her pain absolutely cripples me.

Bella tilts her head, bringing our lips together in a chaste kiss that quickly turns hungry. It's been far too long, and I've missed her like crazy, but I don't push. Bella has never been this needy before. Typically, she throws me down and has her way with me. Occasionally, I take control, but she has never been like this before. She's never been this… desperate.

Bella's tongue hesitantly finds its way into my mouth, and I groan.

It's been way too long. I hope I don't embarrass myself.

I slow us down again, not wanting to take advantage of Bella's emotional upheaval. But she is insistent, pulling on my shoulders until I roll on top of her. She quivers below me, fingers raking down my back before pulling off my t-shirt.

Again I pause, trying to read the expression on her face. She is breathing heavily, but her eyes hold panic.

"Bella, baby, I—"

"Edward," she says, interrupting me and locking her limbs around me to prevent me from moving away. I don't want her to feel like she has to have sex with me. I don't want her to feel pressure. "Please."

That simple, single syllable word shatters all my resolve.

"Please, make me feel good again. I don't want to think anymore. Please."

My lips are back on hers before the last word fully leaves her mouth. Our lovemaking is frantic and desperate. The emotion of the afternoon combined with that of our reunion causes us to combust as the fiery shivers take over. Our clothes are quickly removed, and I go down on her. She screams my name as she comes in my mouth, and I thrust into her before she fully comes down from her orgasmic high. The pace I set is furious, and I tilt her hips up, supporting her lower back with a pillow, because I need to feel every inch of her. I have her screaming my name again before I let myself get lost in the pleasures of Bella's body.

I stare down at her for a long time, reverently stroking her face as I smile. She looks up at me with equal devotion. If I have to give a name to the look on her face, I would call it love. Despite our exhaustion, the moment is charged.

But eventually, Bella has to pee. She kisses each of my eyelids before slipping out from under me and padding over to the bathroom. I want to go with her, both in case she needs me but also because I'm pathetically in love with her and don't like it when she is out of my sight. But that seems too protective and needy, so I stay put.

She returns a minute or two later, still naked, and crawls back into bed. Bella settles herself against my chest. My arms wraps around her waist, and my thumb finds that spot right below her hipbone that I like to touch. Her hipbone sticks out more than usual, but I try not to worry anymore. I just want to enjoy this time I have with the girl I love.

"Thank you," she murmurs as she runs her fingers through my hair. I close my eyes and enjoy the sensation.

"You never have to thank me for that," I reply. "It's yours."

She falls asleep in my arms moments later. Even though it is only seven-thirty, I am somehow able to join her in slumber. I just hope that I wake up before her, because I want to be the one to cook her breakfast for once.

"I hate that noise," Bella groans into my shoulder. I can't help but agree with her, and I lean over her to turn off the alarm blaring on my bedside table. I sit against the headboard as I attempt to rub the sleep from my eyes. "But waking up with you is not so bad."

I smile and lean down to kiss her quickly, but I have to break away as I yawn. Although Bella and I got to bed very early, we didn't do much sleeping. Bella woke me countless times throughout the night with her hands and her mouth on me. I gladly provided her the distraction she craved. It's already nine, and I have class at ten. I'm really not ready to get up or to leave Bella.

"I'm delightfully sore," Bella sighs as she stretches. The sheet falls away, revealing the swell of her breasts. I'm both alarmed at her words and turned on by the sight of her before me, naked in my bed.

"Did I hurt you?" I croak out, finding speech difficult.

"No," she giggles, throwing a leg over my waist. She sits in my lap and presses her naked chest to mine. "I'm just out of shape. It has been way too long since our last all-night sex marathon. My muscles aren't used to all the attention."

I chuckle at her comment, but it has the unfortunate effect of bringing me back to reality. The reason we haven't been together in so long is the freaking elephant in the room. We need to talk about it, even if I really want to pretend the whole thing didn't happen.

Plus, she's making it sound like she hasn't been with anyone since me. And suddenly I have to know.

"Can I ask you a question?" I wrap my arms around her waist as her fingers thread through my hair.

"Of course. After a night like that, you can do whatever you want," she basically purrs. Bella smirks at me as my cock hardens between us.

"Have you been with anyone else? Since this summer?" I ask quietly, not really wanting to hear the answer.

Bella snorts. "Hell no. I barely left my fucking room."

"Why?" I ask, confused now.

Bella blushes and shrugs. She looks uncomfortable, and I grin. I think she's as miserable without me as I am without her.

"You really did miss me," I state in wonder.

"I already told you that."

"I'm glad you called me."

"Me too."

"But I just don't understand. Why me? You were with Jacob and your boys. Why did you call me when you didn't even talk to me about leaving Forks this summer?"

Bella sighs heavily, resting her forehead against my neck. "I don't know what to say about this summer. I couldn't breathe, and Charlie… I just had to leave. But that doesn't change how I feel about you. You are my very best friend, Edward. You get me… how I am now. I knew you would make me feel better."

Best friend. Like most things that come out of Bella's mouth, I have mixed feelings about this statement. I'm important to her, even more so than Jacob, it would seem, but I still want more.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask, referring to Renee.

"There really isn't anything left to say," Bella murmurs. She scoots closer to me, making it even more difficult to conceive getting out of bed.

"When do you have class today?" I ask, trying to distract myself from our general nakedness.

"Missing it as we speak," she says dismissively.

"Shit, sorry. I would have set my alarm—"

"Baby, I'm not planning on leaving this bed all damn day. Except maybe for snacks. You could stay with me if you want…"

I'm highly tempted, but I really can't miss Anatomy. I kiss her quickly.

"How about this. I go to class." Bella pouts, and I kiss her again to make her smile. "But I rush back here as soon as I get out, and I'll bring you lunch, and then I won't leave this room except to get you more snacks."

"Fine, as long as you don't wear clothes either."

After Bella's mom leave, life goes back to what it was before the summer. It's like we both decided to just wipe the last few months from our collective memory and pretend like it never happened.

Bella doesn't want to talk about the summer, nor does she want to talk about Renee, and as usual, I don't push her. I know our problems aren't going to magically dissipate without discussion, but I'm so relieved to have her back- as much of her as she will give me, anyway- I don't say anything.

For the first few weeks after our reunion and Renee's departure, Bella is quiet, skittish, and shockingly clingy. I don't mind. In fact, it's a nice change of pace. She greets me at the door when I get home from the hospital and holds my hand when I walk her to classes. In the library, she pulls her chair close to mine, even though it is awkward to study like that. It's like she's worried I'm going to disappear too.

He concerns are unwarranted. I'm not going anywhere.

Before, Bella hated PDA and would cringe when I kissed her or held her hand outside the safety of the house on Goss or her tiny dorm room. Now, she's the one to initiate contact.

I enjoy it, but it worries me anyway, because the attention is so un-Bella like. As weeks pass and she gets happier, more animated, but she keeps touching me. I hope this is a permanent change.

Three weeks after Renee left, Phil calls Bella to invite her to dinner. "Edward," she says after she hangs up the phone with her stepdad. "I can't do this. He's going yell and blame me and stop paying my tuition."

"Do you want me to go with you?" I offer, fully expecting her to tell me to fuck off, that she doesn't need me. But instead she nods and smiles in gratitude.

Bella holds my hand as we walk west down Pearl Street towards the mall. We are meeting Phil at Salt, a Mexican restaurant with a good happy hour. She is nervous and pissed off, because she has no control of her future. What happens next totally depends on her stepfather.

We arrive before Phil, and I buy Bella a drink at the bar while we wait. In my head, I come up with a million backup plans to keep Bella in school. All involve me shelling out exorbitant amounts of money, so Bella would never agree.

"God, he'll probably want me to pay him back. I mean, I was planning on paying him back anyway. But I was thinking in small installments. Over many years. But he'll probably want in all back now, and I can't do that! And—"

"Bella," I say, interrupting her before she can get more hysterical. "Let's just hear what he has to say, okay?"

I've never met Phil and only met Renee on one memorable occasion, but from what Bella tells me, he sounds like a reasonable guy. I just hope he doesn't take his anger with Renee out on her daughter.

"Right. You're right. God." She quickly finishes her pink, fruity margarita. "I'm so frazzled."

"It's cute," I assure her, kissing her nose.

"Thank you," she says, placing a hand on my thigh, "for coming with me."

"They have good food here," I reply with a shrug.

Phil arrives five minutes later. He's lean, brown-haired, and much younger than I expected. Though he wears a nice suit, his cheeks are gaunt, and he has dark circles under his eyes.

"Bella," he says, giving her an awkward side hug in greeting.

"Hi, Phil," she says with a sad smile. "How are you?"

"Just taking it one day at a time," he says with a grimace. "Who do we have here?"

"This is Edward." Bella slips a hand through the crook of my arm. "Edward, this is Phil."

We shake hands before a hostess leads us to a table set for three by the windows. A waitress appears, taking our drink order. Bella gets another marg, Phil gets a scotch, while I stick to water.

"So you're a lucky lady," Phil says, fiddling with the napkin in his lap. "Having two young men in your life. It must be nice."

"What?" Bella asks in confusion.

"Well, that boy Jake was with you at the house. Now you bring this young man," he says, waving a hand in my general direction.

"Oh," Bella says, her shoulders slumping at Phil's less-than-friendly tone. "Jake is just my friend. I've known him forever." I raise an eyebrow, curious to see where she's going with this.

"So Edward is your boyfriend?" Phil asks bluntly.

Bella looks like a frog as her eyes bug out and her mouth opens and closes. I chuckle and cover her hand on the table. "Yup," I reply, knowing that Bella will be unable to answer this question without looking like an idiot. I'm not going to directly push Bella to change, but I've decided to advertise the fact that I see her as my girlfriend.

"Right. Excellent. Good for you two." Phil's tone does not match his words. He is very obviously angry, and although he may have every right to be, I don't want him upsetting Bella further. She has only really started acting like herself in the last few days. I don't want Phil making her feel worse about the situation.

Bella's brow is furrowed and she bounces her leg, indicating her nerves. I rest a palm on her bare thigh, stilling her movements. Immediately, her hand finds mine underneath the table.

"Thank you," replies Bella. "How are things, Phil?"

He takes a deep breath. "Fine, I suppose. I've been basically living at work. The house is so cold and empty now."

Bella nods in understanding, obviously remembering how alone she felt last time. I squeeze her hand.

"I feel so stupid," he says, closing her eyes tightly. "She isn't the person I thought she was."

"No, she isn't. I'm so sorry, Phil." Bella's eyes are sorrow-filled, and she is genuinely hurting for her stepfather.

"Sweetheart," he says, giving her a small smile and patting her free hand that rests on the table by her drink. "It's not your fault. It's not my fault either. This is all your mother's doing. And I know you're basically grown up now, but she left you too."

Bella nods again, and finishes off her second drink.

The table slips into a tense silence. Phil and I occupy the time by crunching away on chips and salsa. Bella doesn't eat. I have been force-feeding her lately, but now she's back to not eating and staring blankly.

We order and our food arrives. We make pleasant conversation as we eat, though it feels forced.

"Bella," Phil says, breaking one of the many awkward silences as we finish off our meal. "I have to ask. I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Have you heard from your mother? Has Renee tried to contact you?"

His voice is strained and his eyes are pleading. I wonder what he wants her answer to be.

Bella laughs humorlessly and shakes her head. "No, Phil. She hasn't tried to get in touch with me. I would tell you if she had, but I doubt it. Last time, I didn't hear anything from her until she showed up just before graduation with you. But I honestly don't think she'll be back."

"Oh."

"She's permanently a wayfaring stranger," Bella explains, looking as close to tears as I've ever seen her. I squeeze her hand again. "And it's like you said. She left me, too."

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he says again, as if he could have prevented his wife's actions. "For everything."

"You were so good for her," Bella says, looking puzzled now. "How could she not see it? How could she not stick around for you?"

Phil smiles a real, large smile. "I could say the same about you, Bella."

Bella smiles, blushes, and drops her gaze to her lap. I smile because she looks so beautiful when she smiles.

I don't think Phil and Bella have ever shared this many words before over the course of their relationship.

Bella takes a deep breath and looks up at Phil. "Listen, Phil. I know Renee coerced you into paying my tuition, and I can't pay you back all right now, but I'm looking into taking out loans for next semester. And when I graduate and get a job, maybe we can set up a payment plan or—"

"Bella, really," Phil responds, looking horrified. "I would never accept a cent from you! It's been a pleasure paying for your education. I have too much money and don't give back enough, you know? I don't have kids. I don't really have any family. And I have no plans to stop singing checks to CU Boulder."

Bella's mouth falls open slightly in shock, and her eyes go wide. She looks like an owl. A really fucking sexy owl.

"Phil… I can't ask you to do that. I can't keep taking your money. To be honest, I'm used to taking care of myself, and even when Renee was around, I was uncomfortable with the situation."

"Bella, that's ridiculous."

"My mom left you!" Bella says, her voice rising. She is the one doing the hand squeezing now. "The woman that brought me into this world caused you so much pain. You can't keep funding my college! It's such a waste."

"You are not a waste, Bella," Phil says, scowling with conviction. "You pull a three-eight GPA. You're bright, funny, full of potential." I smirk, because it's about time someone else besides just me is speaking these truths. "You are going to graduate and go on to write novels. I am going to fund it."

Bella stares at him, and I mentally will her to not argue. And for once, she doesn't. She doesn't say anything as she rises from her seat and throws her arms around an utterly bemused Phil. He pats her back as she whispers something in his ear. With a final squeeze and a kiss on the cheek, Bella retreats, taking her seat again.

Conversation is a lot livelier after that.

Phil, Bella, and I all reach for the bill at the end of the meal, but my girl is victorious.

"Come on, Bells," Phil says with a chuckle. "Don't be ridiculous. You guys are poor college kids. Let me pay."

"Absolutely not," Bella says, pulling out a credit card from her thin, golden wallet. "You are paying my college tuition. Do you have any idea what a big deal that is? I feel like a Make-A-Wish kid or something right now. So if I'm letting you pay for that, you are letting me pay for this."

There are no more arguments about the bill, and ten minutes later, we all are smiling as we walk out the door onto Pearl Street.

"This may sound strange," Phil says as we pause on a corner to say goodbye. "But I actually had a good time tonight."

"Me too," Bella says with a smile. "We should do it again! Or I could even cook for you at home. We do these family dinners, and you should come the next time."

"Definitely. So you do this at your dorm?"

"Oh," she says. "No. I meant Edward's house." She absently places a hand on my chest, and I grin because Bella just referred to the house on Goss as home. She practically lives there, anyway, and has a key that she never needs to use, because most of my idiot roommates don't believe in locking the front door.

"Sounds good, Bella," he replies. "Just let me know."

They hug, and I shake Phil's hand before I wrap an arm around Bella and we walk home. Where we live. Basically together.