Elissa woke up feeling sick and ran outside towards the bushes and threw up. She had never felt this horrible in her life. It felt like she had been poisoned. Oh wait she had been, twice. Lucky whined at her and she eyed her hound.
"I'm all right boy," Elissa wiped her mouth.
"Elissa?" Alistair walked up behind her. "You okay?"
Elissa looked back at him and nodded, "Just sick."
"After effects of the Joining," Alistair frowned. "You need anything?"
"A bath?" Elissa asked hopefully.
Alistair laughed and directed her to the bathing tent. She went as soon as she was able and when she was clean and her hair lay wet amongst her shoulders Elissa went to the Quartermaster to see if her armor was ready. It was and she went back to the tents and put on the new armor. It felt weird being in different armor. She looked down at the torn and bloodstained leather her father had gifted her with three summers ago. It was now stained with her blood, her father's and her nephew's. She wanted to burn it. It was the least she could do to send them off since she couldn't put them to rest the proper way.
She blocked her thoughts from thinking about what Howe did to their bodies. She didn't want to think of them not getting a funeral service that they deserved. She walked to the fire where Duncan had kept watch the night before. She took the armor and tossed it up on the flaming wood. She watched it burn and silently wept. She said goodbye to her family the only way she could.
"Elissa?" Alistair watched her. He had come out of his tent in time to see her throw her armor on the fire. He watched as she bent her head in what looked like prayer. He had heard her choked sobs and couldn't stand to see her cry anymore.
Elissa spun around and dried her tears and saw Alistair staring at her with concern. She looked away ashamed at being caught.
"Something you want to talk about?" Alistair asked.
"No," Elissa shook her head. "No, thank you though. I should get to the meeting with the King."
Alistair watched her practically run towards the temple where the war council was meeting. She was a mystery to him this Elissa from Highever. He didn't know much about her besides she could fight, she took death hard and she didn't want to be a Grey Warden. Alistair shook his head and looked at the fire, he had a hard time understanding why someone didn't want to be a Grey Warden. But he could feel their taint, their evil. The darkspawn wanted to bring back the old gods and wipe his kind off of Thedas. Alistair could feel them closing in a little more each day. He looked south the way they were coming from and with each step they took he could feel it in his blood humming a haunting tune.
Elissa walked up to the meeting as Loghain and Cailan were at each other's throats. "You risk too much Cailan!" Loghain had insisted.
"I've made my decision and I will stand with the Grey Wardens on this assault," Cailan crossed his arms and set his jaw.
"It's too dangerous for you to be playing hero on the frontlines!" Loghain growled at the young King.
Elissa studied him, she had heard that Loghain helped raise Cailan but the man wasn't talking to him like a man worried about his son. He was scolding him, treating him like a spoiled child. Well that wasn't one way to get the King to see reason.
"If that's the case then perhaps we should wait for the Orlesian forces to join us, after all," Cailan jabbed at Loghain.
"I must repeat my protest to your fool notion that we need the Orlesians to defend ourselves!" Loghain turned his back on us.
"It is not a fool notion," Cailan stressed. "Our arguments with the Orlesians are a thing of the past…and you will remember who is king."
Elissa raised her eyebrow perhaps she misjudged Cailan too harshly yesterday. He was standing up to Loghain that was…shocking to say the least.
"How fortunate Maric did not live to see his son ready to hand Ferelden over to those who enslaved us for a century!" Loghain snapped.
"Then our current forces will have to suffice won't they?" Cailan snapped. He turned towards Duncan and Elissa for the first time. "Duncan are your men ready for battle?"
Elissa felt uncomfortable this discussion was one best served for private chambers, tents, or even a private forest. If her father were here he'd say something to help Cailan. She missed him and felt the dull ache in her heart return. He was an adviser to Cailan. Cailan even had her father become and ambassador of sorts to Orlais for Ferelden.
"They are, your Majesty," Duncan nodded.
When Cailan noticed Elissa he saw her red eyes first. He was glad she survived even if she hated it. "Ah young Cousland, I understand that congratulations are in order."
Elissa studied him, did she say thanks to surviving poison? She didn't do anything her body just helped her live through it. "Thank you your Majesty."
"All Grey Wardens are needed now, you should be proud to join their ranks," Cailan beamed.
Elissa looked up at Duncan who was studying her. She wasn't thrilled or proud but she would do her duty. She wondered if she'd ever accept this was her life now. She wondered if she could ever be proud of being a Grey Warden. She decided at that moment, no she couldn't ever see herself doing any such thing. Pain and sorrow were too near.
"Your fascination with glory and legends will be your undoing, Cailan. We must attend to reality." Loghain growled.
Elissa saw Duncan stiffen beside her. He couldn't exactly speak up and argue with Loghain. He was there, as a guest more or less and he wouldn't anger the man who was making up for the manpower the Warden's lacked.
"Fine, speak your strategy," Cailan sighed. He leaned over the table studying the map of Ostagar and the wilds. "The Grey Wardens and I draw the darkspawn into charging our lines and then?"
"You will alert the tower to light the beacon, signaling my men to charge from cover," Loghain started to explain.
"To flank the darkspawn, I remember. This is the Tower of Ishal in the ruins, yes?" Cailan asked studying the map. He looked like he was planning something but hadn't got the plan worked out yet.
Elissa watched Loghain and Cailan closely she was sure she hadn't remembered her father mentioning this much tension between the two. Something was different and that something was probably him calling to Orlais for help.
"Who will light the beacon?" Cailan asked looking at Loghain.
"I have a few men stationed there, it is not a dangerous task but it is vital," Loghain said.
"I think we should send our best," Cailan looked up at Elissa. She looked behind her to see whom he was possibly talking about because it surely wasn't her. "Send Alistair and Elissa."
Elissa shifted, if it wasn't dangerous why send both of them? Alistair was sure going to be upset about not being in the battle. She didn't think it fair, he was her senior he shouldn't be her babysitter.
"If it isn't that dangerous your Majesty, I can go alone," Elissa spoke up.
"No!" Cailan said a little bit to forceful. Elissa raised an eyebrow. "It's best if you both go."
"You rely on these Grey Wardens too much is that truly wise?" Loghain asked.
Elissa glared at Loghain it was her he was insulting that time, not just the Grey Wardens.
"Enough of your conspiracy theories Loghain, Grey Wardens battle the blight no matter where they're from," Cailan said.
What in the void did that mean? Did Loghain have a problem with her being from Highever? Or did he have a problem with Alistair? Alistair seemed harmless enough she doubted it was him Loghain had a problem with.
"Your Majesty, you should consider the possibility of the archdemon appearing," Duncan spoke up.
"There have been no signs of dragons in the Wilds," Loghain insisted.
"Isn't that what your men are here for Duncan?" Cailan asked.
Elissa looked up at Duncan and saw the uncomfortable way he shifted. "Yes, your Majesty," Duncan nodded and looked down.
"Your Majesty," a mage from the Circle stepped forward. "The Tower and the beacon are unnecessary the Circle of Magi…"
"We will not trust any lives with your spells mage," the Revered Mother stepped forward and growled at the mage. "Save them for the darkspawn!"
The mage whoever he was glared at the Revered Mother. Elissa felt like stepping far away from the angered mage.
"Enough!" Loghain growled. "This plan will suffice, the Grey Wardens will light the beacon."
Elissa watched Loghain turn his back cross his arms.
"Thank you Loghain. I cannot wait for that glorious moment. The Grey Wardens battle beside the King of Ferelden to stem the tide of evil," Cailan smiled looking down at the map.
It wasn't the hope of the glory that worried her about this it was the sideways look that Loghain gave Cailan. It was almost filled with disgust about Cailan's glory seeking ways.
"Yes, Cailan. A glorious moment for us all," Loghain nodded.
Elissa stood there as the rest of their party left. She watched the king leave with his head held high and a smile of confidence on his face. She looked at Duncan who stood staring down at the map.
"Will this work?" Elissa asked.
"It's the best battle plan we have at the moment," Duncan sighed. "It's the waiting that makes a man insane. Darkspawn are like that you know, always making us wait. We've never been able to go on the offense and attack them."
"Because they come from the Deep Roads?" Elissa asked.
"That and because they have a tendency to go where we cannot," Duncan nodded. "Even between Blights we're always watching for them to make their move."
Elissa studied the map and her stomach growled. "Go get something to eat Elissa. I ask that you not tell Alistair he won't be in the battle," Duncan sighed.
"He seems eager why do you keep him out of the fighting?" Elissa asked.
Duncan looked at her and shook his head, "He is eager yes, but he is being kept out of this to help you not because we don't trust him. You are new and he knows Ostagar."
Elissa felt like Duncan was lying to her but it wasn't something she was going to press him about.
"Go, get some food," Duncan sighed. "Night comes too quickly."
Elissa went and ate she sat alone and stared into her bowl of stew. She wondered for the hundredth time what she was doing there. She saw soldiers staring at her some with curiosity others with disdain. She knew one thing though, people weren't taking the darkspawn seriously.
"There you are," a cheerful voice said behind her.
Elissa turned and saw Alistair. He sat next to her and studied her. She had looked like she was in a bad mood but that didn't put him off.
"Hi," Elissa smiled.
"How'd the meeting go?" Alistair asked taking a bite of cheese.
"I'll be happy to never attend another one in my life," Elissa smiled. "Loghain doesn't like the Grey Wardens does he?"
"I heard when the Grey Warden's came to ask King Maric to let them return to Ferelden, he disappeared with them for a while. He had to do so behind Loghain's back. Ever since then Loghain has been distrustful of our Order," Alistair said.
"King Maric disappeared with the Wardens?" Elissa asked.
"So the story goes," Alistair smiled. "Duncan said he traveled with him for a bit so I'm assuming it's a true story."
"My father liked King Maric," Elissa admitted.
"Your father knew him?" Alistair raised an eyebrow.
"Um…that is he liked what he had heard about him," Elissa fixed her blunder. "He helped fight Orlais when we were occupied."
"Oh," Alistair nodded.
Elissa sighed, "So anything I should know about what happens to a person after the Joining?"
"You won't sense darkspawn right away," Alistair said. "It takes time."
"What does it feel like?" Elissa asked. "To sense them?"
Alistair thought about that. How did he explain the pull? "You know that feeling you get when you are falling?"
"The 'oh shit' feeling?" Elissa asked.
Alistair laughed, "Yes the 'oh shit' feeling."
"Yes," Elissa smiled.
"It's kind of like that. You feel them in your blood, calling to you but you know that call is wrong. As you age you'll be able to sense the power levels of the darkspawn," Alistair said. "Right now I can only feel that there is a mass horde coming our way. It makes me a little queasy actually."
"Well if you throw up just make sure you aim away from me, thank you," Elissa smiled.
"Perish the thought of throwing up on a lady! I'd never be able to live that one down," Alistair smiled. He studied Elissa's haunted eyes and sighed. "This morning by the fire what was that about?"
"I was saying goodbye," Elissa sighed. "I guess you could say. To my old life."
"You didn't want to be a Warden?" he asked even though he knew the answer.
"It wasn't my first choice but I agreed to it. Duncan didn't need to conscript me. I was told it was my duty, and so by my duty I am now here," Elissa looked up at Alistair. "Hope you don't think badly about me for that. This just isn't the life I thought I'd live."
"What kind of life had you expected for yourself?" Alistair asked.
"A quiet one," Elissa smiled. "But I guess in a land that is scarred by war that was too much to ask for. I would have married I suppose if I hadn't been recruited. I fought marriage off as long as I could because I liked my freedom. I drove my mother insane, she wanted more grandbabies."
"You must miss your family," Alistair said. He wondered what that was like, to have a family.
"I do," Elissa sighed. She closed her eyes and refused to cry they were gone and she must go on.
"Well being a Warden doesn't mean you're held prisoner, when this is over you can see them again," Alistair smiled.
She looked up at him and wished she could tell them they were all dead. Even Fergus seemed to be lost to her now. Maybe it was best he thought she died up in Highever. Maybe she'd ask the King not to tell him she lived. But she knew she couldn't do that to him.
"Are there targets anywhere I can practice on?" Elissa asked.
"Yeah, behind the King's tent up on the rise," Alistair nodded in the direction.
"I think I will go do that while I can," Elissa licked her lips and stood up. "Thanks for keeping me company."
"No, thank you," Alistair smiled at her and watched her go. She was a puzzle to him. He shook his head and decided he'd never understand women.