Coping
U.S.S. Enterprise, 2269.336, 1558 hours. The CCO had been completely silent for the last half hour, staring blankly at the wall beyond her shoulder and the entire time radiating pain. Ordinarily Kirtana would wait for her patients to become comfortable and let them speak but the Lieutenant's case was special and she didn't think it was safe to wait.
"Lieutenant Uhura, maybe you could tell me in your own words why you think you're here."
The woman blinked then answered in a string of rapid Swahili. Not knowing what she said Kirtana simply allowed her to remain there in silence until their session was up. Only after the Lieutenant had gone did she play back the recording and have the Universal Translator repeat what was said in Standard.
It wasn't kind.
But that was a puzzle for tomorrow, one that she was sure to go over with Commander Spock when he arrived for his mandated session.
U.S.S. Enterprise, 2269.337, 1504 hours. The Commander was…much more complex then his wife, and yet still a ball of anger-pain-relief-outrage-hurt-joy-frustration-worry-sadness.
"Commander."
"Counselor Zytan."
It would appear that each of the S'chn T'gai's would speak only when spoken too, despite the Captain's orders that they receive counseling. Interesting. She made note of it on her PADD.
"Commander, I want you to know that your wife cursed me out yesterday, profusely and in Swahili. It was the only interaction we had during the full hour she was here. Can you tell me if this is normal behavior for her?"
She knew that Vulcans were difficult to read even on the best of days but if possible Commander Spock seemed to shut down even more. "Since the birth of our son the Lieutenant has been under a severe amount of strain…"
"…and I am only here to help her and to help you. Now tell me, is this normal behavior for your wife?"
Commander Spock stared her straight in the eyes but said nothing. After several long moments he finally looked away and over towards her wall full of Terran Rorschach pictures. "No, it is not."
Finally, she was getting somewhere. "It must be very difficult raising a handicapped child. What are your feel—thoughts on the subject?" She hoped she'd caught herself in time.
If he were capable she would've sworn she saw the Commander frown at the question. "Tending to Selas is not without it's challenges; however, in time his physiology will allow him to partially overcome his birth defect and…"
"I didn't ask about the future, Commander. I asked about how you and the Lieutenant were coping now." Spock remained silent on the subject and she decided to press him further. "He has a psi rating of 8.6 out of a Terran scale of 10, which is extremely high considering his heritage, not to mention higher than either of his siblings. I have no doubt that he will be able to see the world in a very unique way at some point in the future, but I wasn't asking about that. What I want to know is how does Selas' disability affect how you're raising him now? And more importantly how does it affect your family?"
If he were human she would've sworn the Commander just sighed. His shoulders sagged infinitesimally and she leaned in closer so as not to miss any other cues he might give off. "Since Selas has been released into our care our family has found the transition—difficult."
Finallly. Kirtana finally felt as if she were getting somewhere with the couple. Who knew the Commander would be the more compliant of the pair?
"Nyota cries often and she has not bonded with Selas in the way she had bonded with our other children."
That wasn't unusual; the stress a couple often felt in the wake of such a diagnosis as Selas' can trigger several negative emotional responses. "Why do you think that is?"
He focused his steely eyes on her. "That answer, Counselor Zytan, is complicated."
Okay, fair enough. Kirtana decided to test a theory. "Could it be because she feels responsible and guilty for his premature birth and resultant disability? Or is it possibly because she wasn't keen on going through with the pregnancy in the first place?"
The Commander bristled at the accusation and his emotions rolled off him in tsunami-like waves. "You do not know what you speak of and are being extremely unjust."
Damn. Sometimes she hated it when she was right. "Sir, I'm only asking these questions because I'm trying to find ways of helping your wife. You and I both know she's not at fault for Selas being born early or for his being born with special needs. I'm trying to find the root cause of her guilt in order to help her deal with it so that she can bond with your son and your family can move forward. His blindness isn't the end of the world your wife thinks it is only she can't see that yet because she's depressed." He nodded but said nothing more until the bell on her desk rang out, signaling an end to their session. "Ok, Commander, looks like our time is up."
U.S.S. Enterprise, 2269.338, 1412 hours. She sat on the floor by the low table watching the two children draw the family pictures she'd asked for. T'Alora's artwork was very deliberate, controlled and orderly while Se'tak's was anything but. Kirtana smiled at his enthusiasm.
"DONE!" He dropped the marker and held the picture up for her to see.
"Wow, Se'tak, that's amazing! And look at all that detail!" The little boy beamed as she took the drawing. Most likely those were some of the first positive words he'd heard all day.
"This is the ship—see, that's the hull!—and that's us: me, Mama, Sa-mekh, T and Selas."
She looked closer at his depiction of their little family; she hadn't expected to see a smile on the Commander's face but in Se'tak's picture neither Nyota nor T'Alora were smiling either. Only Se'tak and Selas were grinning and Se'tak also had his arms full with his baby brother. Kirtana noted that the Commander was placed between his sons and his wife and daughter like a wall. As if without a care in the world the little boy picked up a new marker and began scribbling away on a fresh drawing.
"How come nobody else is smiling, Se'tak?"
He paused, then started rubbing the marker harder. "Sa-mekh never smiles; at least not on the outside. T and Mama aren't smiling because they don't like the new baby much."
"That is not true," his sister responded cooly. Setting aside her colored pens she shot her brother a stony look. "Rekk, Se'tak! Du skan tek-ik da rim tau fund!*"
Kirtana didn't need to know Vulkhansu to get the gist of that. "It's alright, T'Alora. You and your brother are free to say, think and feel whatever you want to here. This is a safe place for you and your family and whatever we discuss here stays here." That seemed to mollify her a bit and T'Alora went back to ignoring her brother and finishing her picture.
Now, Kirtana knew better than to initiate physical contact with a Vulcan child, even a quarter Vulcan one, so she was surprised when Se'tak chose to slip his hand into hers, all the while shooting anxious glances in his sister's direction. "She is prickly like the le-matyas in Sa-mekh's stories of Old Vulcan." They quietly giggled at the comparison and he asked, "Can I use the bathroom?"
"Of course," she said, rising from the floor. "The lav is right through there." The little boy sprinted off toward the back of the office and out of sight.
She and T'Alora sat quietly, each absorbed in their drawings, and now that they were alone Kirtana took the opportunity to sift through the girl's feelings. Guilt and sadness seemed to rule her every thought. What a horrible burden for an eight year old to bear.
"I wished he had died," she admitted softly—so softly that Kirtana almost missed it. "When Selas was born I wished he would die. I overheard Uncle Leonard and Sa-mekh talking about how much pain he was in, and Mama…she was always crying and she was just so sad all the time. I wanted Selas to die so we could all go back to normal, like before."
Slowly she drew an arm out and began to rub circles against the little girl's back; it wasn't long before the tears began to flow and she drew T'Alora to her chest where she could cry to her heart's content. "Now I'm just angry at him for living and changing everything." T'Alora stopped and looked up at her, her big brown eyes open wide. "And Mama doesn't smile anymore, ever. I miss her the way she was."
Kirtana nodded and squeezed her tight, hastening to reassure her. "It's perfectly natural to feel the way that you do, T'Alora. You wanted to let Selas go because you didn't want to see him in pain. You don't want to see your Mama in pain either and I think that together all of us can help her with that." That brought about a small, watery smile to the girl's face. "Can you tell me one thing though? I know you said you're angry at Selas but do you think deep down that you're angry because you love him and his being in so much pain hurt you too?"
It was all she could do to nod before screwing up her face, the tears flowing like currents down her cheeks. As T'Alora wrapped her arms around her neck seeking comfort she felt the little girls' struggle ever since her brother had been born, how she wanted to love him and bond with him but was afraid of getting too close in case he didn't make it. Kirtana hugged her harder and was so wrapped up in T'Alora's pain she didn't hear Se'tak come up behind them and join the hug.
"It's ok, T."
She nodded and took several deep, calming breaths, holding her hand palm out for him to touch. Whatever she said made Se'tak's eyes light up and he hugged his sister tighter. "I love you too," Kirtana heard him whisper in her ear.
U.S.S. Enterprise, 2269.339, 1320 hours. Lieutenant Uhura sat in her same chair, staring at the same spot on the wall beyond her shoulder, as she had three days before. She was proving to be a very tough nut to crack but Kirtana knew she'd succeed in time. It was what made her an excellent counselor; it wasn't just her natural Betazoid ability to empathize that helped her earn her reputation but her sheer dogged determination to help a person in need. Deep in her heart she knew that the S'chn T'gai family—from Commander Spock all the way down to little Selas—would come out of this situation stronger then ever before. There was still a lot of work to be done but after meeting with the Lieutenant's family…well, she felt she was ready for anything.
* "Rekk, Se'tak! Du skan tek-ik da rim tau fund!" = "Be quiet, Se'tak! Our family business is none of her concern!"
A/N: First off, thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter; I really appreciated the feedback. I know the S'chn T'gai/Uhura family are going through a rough time right now but things will eventually get better. I'm not a religious person but I do believe that God doesn't give a person more then they can handle and I think Spock, Nyota and their family are the same way. Selas being blind just means that things are going to be a little different for him and for them, that's all.
But yeah, just hang in there because I'm not completely done with the angst yet!