Updating ahead of schedule! Huzzah!
Thanks for all the feedback from the last couple chapters and for putting up with my angstfest. Also, bless your hearts for reading. It's so great. Really.
BPOV
January 1, 2011
Don't leave Edward's room. Bundle myself in only his clothes. Move between the bed and the roof. Smoke the rest of my cigarettes. Want more but can't summon the energy to leave his room. Cry more than seems physically possible. Miss Edward terribly and call him thirty seven times before falling into a restless sleep.
January 2, 2011
Listen for the departure of everyone else before sneaking into the kitchen. The thought of eating is repugnant, but my stomach hurts with my hunger. Grab a box of something from the cabinet at random, turn around to see Alice staring at me, and drop said box. Alice appears repulsed and disappointed, glaring at me. I want to ask her if she spoke to Edward, but run back upstairs instead. Spend the rest of the day crying and listening to depressing music.
Today's total is forty-four calls and ninety-eight text messages. I get zero response.
January 3, 2011
Decide I hate this room and walk around Boulder for hours. Take the route Edward and I used to take when we jog. Walk Pearl. Visit frozen over Boulder Creek. Go to the Hill and eventually to campus. Seriously consider breaking into the library before sitting outside Hallett Hall on the ledge where I found out my mom left again all those years ago. At some point the sun goes down, but I don't really notice. Students stare, but I don't really notice this either. Jake shows up, tries to talk, yells at me because I'm on the verge of frostbite. Apparently Alice called him, worried when I didn't come home. He drives me back, stopping at a gas station to buy me a pack of cigarettes, chips, and a coffee. My whole body is so cold I am forced to spend forty-five minutes sitting in the shower before I feel anything again. Decide the shower is the place to be because the tears get lost in the stream of water.
Sixty-nine phone calls. A hundred and nine texts. No response.
January 4, 2011
Spend the morning avoiding the roommates. Their judgmental glares make me cry even harder. Edward still isn't answering his phone, and I lose my mind a little bit more. Hop in my truck and book it to Denver. Sit with my back to his apartment door, pounding and constantly dialing his phone. It goes to message immediately and I fill up his voice mail, begging him to speak to me. In the middle of the night I give up and go home.
January 5, 2011
My first day at my new job. Somehow I fake my way through training, acting semi-normal. Good thing I've barista-ed before. Come home, avoid Alice, cry myself to sleep, and brainstorm ways to force him to listen to me.
Lose count of the number of phone calls I place. They all go straight to voice mail now. He must have turned it off.
January 6, 2011
Wake up with brilliant and terrifying idea. This will force him to listen to me. It's going to hurt both of us, him knowing all this shit. But at least now he will know. Everything. Drive to Denver in the morning, knock for only five minutes and call only eleven times. Drive back to Boulder in time to work.
Spend the afternoon smoking outside my window.
I almost fall off the roof in relief when I see Edward walk up Goss. It's been a whole motherfucking, cocksucking seven days since I've seen him. That's how long it's been since I have even glanced at Rosalie. I'm so indescribably mad at my former friend, I cannot even form an appropriate insult to accurately encompass the extent of my hate for her.
She had it all wrong, and now her big stupid mouth meant Edward had it all wrong too.
I didn't go out that night. Not that I've been a big fan of the New Year in the last couple years, but still. I didn't sleep all night, choosing to dial Edward's cell manically. He never answered, and I have no reason to assume he listened to my messages.
Living here at this house on Goss with people I've disappointed constantly and who now think the very worst of me is very difficult. I don't speak to them, and they don't speak to me. Several times, Alice looks like she about to let me have it, but the words dry up on her lips. I think if I wanted she would talk to me, but I have to tell Edward first.
He deserves to know everything after all this time.
He didn't want to listen to me, so I had to make him.
I'd never let anyone read one of my journals before. They are deeply personal and filled with a whole lot of crazy. What he read probably hurt him. It hurts me to think about, so I can't even imagine what he's feeling. But it's also abundantly clear in the journal that I didn't get rid of our baby. I didn't commit that final, traumatic betrayal.
My plan must have worked because Edward stalks up the driveway. Half way to the house he notices me on the roof. My legs are pulled to my chest, and my chin rests on my knees. For once I don't attempt to keep my emotions guarded on my face. He holds my gaze, looking just as distraught as I am. His eyes hold all the heartbreak and longing I feel.
My face is wet again, but I don't even bother brushing away the tears.
Edward stands in the driveway for a full minute, never looking away from my face before moving toward the porch. I put out the cigarette I forgot I was smoking and scramble back inside through the open window.
This is not an on-the-roof-in-the-freezing-cold conversation.
I freak out as I hear Edward's footsteps on the stairs. Kicking and tossing as many of the dirty clothes thrown about the room as I can in the closet, I attempt to make the pit the room has become without Edward livable. Frantically rushing around, I straighten the comforter on the bed and tidy. I settle myself cross-legged in the center of the mattress, feigning calm, and make the mistake of glancing at the mirror.
Oh, fuck. It's not pretty.
I haven't showered in at least four days, nor have I really slept. When at home, I've been wearing only Edward's clothes in a futile attempt to make myself feel better. Today it's a blue plaid shirt that's so long it could be a dress and a baggy pair of his sweatpants that I had to roll the waist band over four times to keep them on my hips.
I wish in vain for a few more moments to get my shit together, but then Edward pushes open the bedroom door. It takes three of his long strides to reach the bed, and he tosses down my Moleskin on the comforter right in front of me.
EPOV
January 6, 2011
Holy crap.
Wow, just wow.
I mean… wow.
I finished reading the whole journal fifteen minutes ago, and have not moved from my position on the couch. The Moleskin sits on the coffee table, and I can't manage to do anything but blink at it, supporting my head in my hands with my elbows on my knees.
Everything I thought about everything is different then I thought.
Does that even make sense? That most definitely does not even make sense.
That was a whole lot of information. I laughed. I cried. In fact, I might still be crying. I touch my fingers to check, and its damp but I can't tell if they are fresh or old.
She was in so much pain.
In the last two year, I managed to do a pretty good job thoroughly vilifying Bella. I thought she left because she didn't want me. I thought she was too cowardly to dump me in person. Her departure seemed so harsh and impersonal I assumed that she never really cared about me at all.
But I was so fucking wrong. The proof of her feelings sits in front of me, written in a journal I'm pretty sure I purchased for her. I didn't think it was possible, but Bella might have been even more miserable than me. Or at least as miserable. Bella carried around the extra burden of self-loathing. At least I had a support system. Bella gallivanted around the country with people that only made her feel worse.
Her words thoroughly broke my heart, but there is the potential that they could heal it too.
She cared. A lot. She also thought about me. A lot. And as cruel as it sounds, it does make me feel better that I wasn't alone in my suffering. I don't like the thought of her hurting, but at least now I know all these feelings weren't one sided.
And most importantly, she did not take the fate of our child into her own hands. My relief at this realization is overcome by the loss I feel for the child we almost had and the sorrow she experienced dealing with it alone. While my heart aches for both of us, I feel so guilty for how I acted in the last few weeks. I was terrible to her, wouldn't listen to her. I want to comfort her and make amends.
But then I think about James. And the people she spent a year with, and I get fucking enraged all over again. I still don't understand how she could do that. How she could choose him over me.
My brain hurts.
"Fuck!" I growl out, hurling my head against the back of the couch in my frustration. I throw a little tantrum because I'm pissed and I miss her and I feel so terrible for everything she suffered. My emotions are raging in every possible direction, and I feel as though my brain is about to literally implode. I'm on information overload and have the urge to do something. What, exactly, I have no idea. I don't know what to do.
So I throw a little tantrum – growl low in my throat, limbs flailing, and eyes tightly closed – before wearing myself out. I sit here on the couch, breathing heavily and trying to collect my thoughts. It doesn't work. Letting out a chest-rattling sigh, I open my eyes only to see Tia staring at me in concern from across the room.
I find her presence so alarming I let out a cry and progress to actually fall off the couch in. So enthralled was I with Bella's words, I completely forgot my friend was still here.
I wish the yelp I let out sounded a little less like Alice and a little more like a, you know, man.
In my shock, confusion, anger, humiliation, and sorrow, I decide I could really use a moment to collect myself, and just continue to lie flat on my back on the hard floor.
That is an awfully large crack in our ceiling. I hope the landlord knows it exists.
"Edward!" Tia shouts when I do no sit up. She rushes to my side and bends over, hair hanging down in a curtain as she stares at me. "Are you okay?"
"I forgot you were still here," I explain, making no attempt to move.
"I see," says Tia, moving to sit on the couch. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Uh…"
"I mean you don't have to if you don't want to. It obviously isn't good if your position on the floor is any indication," she continues. "On a side note, I made tea. Would you like some?"
"I guess."
She bustles off to the kitchen, and my brain goes back to Bella and the baby and all the drugs she ingested and James.
I relax into the floor again when I remember that she didn't do what I spent the last week thinking she did. Bella cares. Bella wanted to have my baby. Bella thought about me while she was away. I might possibly be able to forgive her after all.
I find myself smiling slightly.
"I gotta go," I say when Tia returns.
"Go?" she asks. "Go where?"
"Boulder."
"You can't go to Boulder."
"I'm a grown ass man Tia," I reply, sitting up. "I can go where ever the hell I want."'
I stand I begin gathering my shit, suddenly in a rush to get to Bella. I have so many questions. I locate my phone, a device I haven't seen in days, and don't even bother shoving it in my pocket because it is dead as a doornail.
"No, I mean you can't drive to Boulder," Tia says, sighing in exasperation following me around as I search for my wallet and keys.
Lord, this apartment is a sty. How could I let it get this bad? This is truly disgusting, and I'll have to thoroughly scrub it down when I get back from Boulder.
"Of course I can drive to Boulder," I reply, not really listening to my friend. "It's pretty much a straight shot once you get on 36."
I locate my keys in the freezer and continue the search for my wallet.
"No, I mean that you have been drinking all day!" she shouts, finally losing patience with me. "Or maybe it's been all week, from the smell of you."
I pause in my movements, turning to look at her as stomach falls when I realize that she's right. The thought of not seeing Bella tonight momentarily depresses me, but I quickly regroup.
"The bus!" I declare before taking up the search again.
"Okay, fine," Tia says, still following me. "But can you please tell me what you found out? You are really alarming me."
"She didn't so it," I mutter as I scour.
"Do what?"
"She didn't do what I thought she did. She had a… a miscarriage," I explain, my insides hurting when I think about the loss.
"Oh my God!" Tia exclaims, coving her mouth and blinking rapidly. "That terrible. Are you okay?"
"Well… um… No. Not really. A little bit. I'm hoping to be okay after I get the details from Bella," I stutter, not really knowing how to answer.
"Okay. Yeah. That's probably a good idea," says Tia, helpful as usual.
"Huzzah!" I find my wallet wedged in the bowels of the couch, lifting it above my head in triumph. "Okay, I'm off."
I move towards the door, focused singularly on getting to Bella as quickly as possible.
"Wait!" Tia yells, stopping my progress.
"What?" I yell back, thoroughly irritated that Tia has kept me from Bella longer than I want.
"You aren't wearing shoes!" she says, flapping her hands at me in exasperation. "Or a shirt!"
I glance down at my body, taking in a whole lot of skin. I appear to be wearing only a pair of drawstring pajama pants with little microscopes on them.
"Ah," I say, blushing and feeling excessively foolish. "Right. Thank you."
I rush around the apartment, pulling on a nice button up and sweater vest before sliding my feet into the first pair of shoes I see.
I don't even realize until I'm at the bus stop that they are Ben's Birkenstocks. It's fucking freezing, and I wiggle my toes as an attempt to regain some feeling in them. Also, I should have pulled on a jacket.
On the bus to Boulder, I develop a plan. There is too much going on in my head. I am on information overload, and I need to focus. The baby. That's what I have the most questions about. That's what seems important. We have so much to talk about, and I am realistic to acknowledge that there is no way we can hash out everything tonight. So I prioritize. The baby. We will talk about the fact that we almost had a baby.
Shit.
I still quite get my head around the idea.
It takes me the entire bus ride to Boulder to successfully focus my thoughts and dispel all – well, most – ruminations of James and the rest of it from my brain.
My heart stops when I reach the house on Goss, and I look up to see Bella sitting on her roof, cigarette dangling from her fingers as she stares down at me with wide eyes. In the half-light of dusk, she looks otherworldly – terribly haunting and extraordinarily beautiful.
I love her. I hate her. I need her. I want to hold her close and make all her pain dissipate. I want to scream at her, begging her to tell me why she couldn't talk to me when it really mattered the most. I want to cry in her arms. I want her to make me feel better.
I attempt to quell the raging and diverse emotions I feel as I stare up at her, immobile.
She appears to be crying, but its getting dark rapidly so I can't really tell. But then she sniffs, whipping her nose on the sleeve of the flannel shirt she wears. I am borderline positive the shirt was once mine.
Suddenly, I can't reach her quick enough. But when I finally push open the bedroom door and stalk over to her where she sits cross-legged on the bed, I don't know what to say or do.
So I give her back the oh so enlightening journal that I didn't even know I was clasping in my hands.
"Read it," I murmur, avoiding her gaze. She's just as unkempt as me, and fresh pain cuts through me at the thought of her suffering. And I really don't want her to be in pain. She's had enough of it in the last few years, but at the same time I'm still so angry with her.
"All of it?" she whispers, staring up at me from her position on her bed with those brown eyes that always seem to see right down to my soul. I want to touch her, and I find myself looking at her in a whole different way. Its all very confusion, this rush of emotion I feel for her as she looks so lost and small.
"All of it," I reply with a nod and a frown as I remember the particularly unpleasant bits of the journal. Mostly the entries with James. But I can't even think about that now without getting furious. During this conversation, I plan to focus solely on the baby.
"Good, good," she says, nodding back and biting her lip. This is damn stressful and fucking awkward and all I really want to do is run my thumb over her bottom lip.
I stand at the foot of the bed, looking down and shuffling my feet. I can feel her gaze scorching my skin, but I'm still having a hard time looking at her yet. We linger in terrible, tense silence for far too long, and I don't know how to begin.
"Do you want to yell at me? It might make you feel better to just let it all out," Bella quietly suggests.
I just shake my head, continuing to study the floor. The last thing I want to do is yell at her. So I just stand there, mute, trying to figure out a way to express how I feel. I don't know how to make Bella understand because I don't even get it myself.
Another minute passes in silence as I try to gather my thoughts. Now that I'm here, I just don't know what to do.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Bella sit up and approach me. Tentatively, as though any sudden movement will spook me, she slowly rises onto her knees and shuffles towards me. My body tenses because I both dread and desire her touch.
She moves slowly forward until our bodies are mere inches apart. It's magnetic, what I feel for her, and I can't keep but sigh as she reaches out to stroke my cheek. I lean into her touch. Encouraged by my response, she wraps her arms my neck and presses her body into mine. Bella lets out a little sob as I return her embrace. She strokes my hair, and I squeeze her tight, feeling more whole than I've felt in a very long time.
"There was a baby," I whisper miserably. I still have a hard time really believing it.
At my words, Bella totally falls apart. I blink down at her in shock. Although I've seen her shed a few tears since her return, this uncontrolled display of over the top emotion is completely against everything I've ever known about the old Bella. I remember not believing Alice about Bella crying in her arms, and really start to see that she's changed.
This is not what I expected. At all. Then again, I never expected Bella to let me in enough to read one of her journals.
I hold her as she sobs hysterically into my chest. Keeping her in my arms, I climb across the length of the bed, bringing us to rest against the headboard. I make soothing sounds in her ear as I rock her. Nothing I do seems to have much effect, and her hands fist in my shirt.
Bella babbles incomprehensible apologies. She gives him a thousand more I'm sorrys. I want to ask what exactly her is apologizing for, but I doubt she would be able to give me an answer.
Her pain is ripping me apart, and I find my own eyes leaking in response. Her hurt compounds mine, and we cling together, riding out the storm.
Eventually her hysterics abate, but I continue to hold her without speaking. I stroke the side of her face, occasionally running my fingers through her hair.
"Edward?" Her question is hoarse and pathetic.
"Yes, love?" I ask, preparing myself for another drop on this emotional rollercoaster that we're been on since her return.
"What the fuck are you wearing?" she whispers.
And I laugh. Hard. I laugh and laugh, and Bella joins me. We laugh ourselves out, but eventually Bella's laughter turns back to crying, and I go back to soothing her as I pull her close.
Again, I calm her down. She hiccups and shudders slightly, but seems okay so I decide its safe to speak.
"I'm ready to talk now, Bella," I say quietly as she settles, sniffing against my chest. "If you are."
I glance down to see her close her eyes, snuggling deeper into my chest for a moment. She gives me a final squeeze before pulling away to sit cross-legged on the bed in front of me. I get upset for a moment because we are no longer touching, but I realize it probably for the best.
"Okay," she says with a final sniff, playing with a loose thread in the comforter. I fold my hands in my lap and sit straight against the headboard.
"That December… you were… we could have…" I stutter, the words getting stuck in my throat.
"Yes," she replies, looking like she's going to cry again. "I found out right after finals. After graduation. I kept throwing up, and I was late so I took the stupid test. That's how Rose knew. She walked in on me in the bathroom. I wasn't planning on telling anyone."
My heart drops when I realize she was never planning on telling me. She never thought I deserved to know, had the right to know.
"What meant was I would never have told Rose before you," she says in a rush, instantly calming me somewhat. "And I didn't tell you because I wanted to know for sure."
"Know you sure?" I ask, confused.
"Yeah… I made a doctor's appointment for right before the New Year," she replies. "And so I did the tests and was judged by the nurse when she forced to tell her how many sexual partners I've had and they weighed me and all that doctor shit—"
"Bella," I say, stilling her shaking hands. "Deep breaths. You're rambling."
"I know," she replies, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Just tell me exactly what happened," I encourage.
I want to hear her say it. Maybe if I hear it come out of her mouth I will be able to believe it. Plus I really do need to know the details.
"I was… We were…" she sighs heavily and closes her eyes again. "There was a baby."
I let out a low, shuddering breath and fist my hands in my hair.
"So I took three pregnancy tests and there was a baby but then I went to the doctor and there… wasn't," she continues, not meeting my gaze. "The doctor said disappeared. Apparently it happens. There was no heartbeat or anything. It was around nine weeks when it… uh… happened."
"Oh, Bella," I reply, my voice breaking. I move to hug her because her pain is breaking my heart, but she shuffles back away from me. Bella holds up a palm, indicating that she doesn't want me to touch her.
I try not to be offended.
"And that was for the best," she whispers. "It was a good fucking thing, in theory. Best possible scenario. But it didn't feel that way."
"Bella—" I try again because I really hate to see her suffer.
"Let me just get this all out, okay?" she asks.
I nod, and she takes another moment to compose herself.
"There were a few weeks, between taking the test and the disappearance, when I… got used to the idea, I guess. At first, I'll admit I didn't want it. Couldn't handle it. I was planning on telling you, but I wasn't going keeping it. That probably doesn't surprise you, and it hurts to admit it now, but at first there was no fucking way I was keeping it."
I don't know what to think, so I just sit there, completely focused on Bella's distraught face.
"But then… I kinda liked it."
My eyebrows go way up, and my mouth twitches. This was the sentiment conveyed in her journal, but there is a big difference between reading about it and having her confirm this in person. She wants it.
"I had this stupid idea that a baby would fix me somehow. Like doing a baby right would make up for all the stuff I did wrong. I could raise a baby like Renee failed to raise me. A baby could be my redemption, give my life purpose. And then I got all these images of us hiking the Flatirons or sitting by Boulder Creek with a bronze haired, green eyed little…"
Bella trails, and pulls her legs up to hug them tightly to her chest. I am equally upset, and I reach out to take her hand. The image she conjures makes my chest hurt.
"Anyway," she says with a sniff. "I was still terrified. Absolutely petrified that I wouldn't be able to do it."
"We're you scared to tell me?" I blurt, feeling guilty for interrupting.
"No," she answers without pause. "I was scared because telling you would make it real. But I never had any doubts about you being there or taking care of me or anything like that."
I let out another shuddering breath, moving forward on the bed and wrapping my arms around her, legs and all. It is so good to hear her say that.
"I wanted it," she murmurs, pushing her nose into my neck. "I can't really explain why, and I know it seems totally out of character for me, but I wanted it. I didn't even really realize how much until that fucking doctor announced that our baby just disappeared."
She wanted it. She wanted our baby. This information is leaving me totally gob smacked.
"Oh, Bella," I say again with a low exhale before she puts space between us again. Why does she keep doing that?
I didn't think my heart could hurt anymore than it did last week, but seeing visual proof of Bella's pain beyond just reading the words is killing me.
"I was already… not right. Charlie had just died, and I graduated and didn't know what to do with myself. Plus you were getting all serious and talking about putting off grad school and freaking me the fuck out. So when the disappearance thing happened… I just couldn't deal," she explains.
I sit back against the headboard, pinching the bridge for my nose as I process what she said. I still get so angry when I think about the way she left, even if the circumstances were totally different than I originally thought.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, still not understanding fully. "Why didn't you let me help you? We could have gone through it together, but you didn't even give me the option."
"I know, and I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to hurt like I was hurting," she replies, picking at her burgundy nail polish and avoiding my gaze.
"What else? Please, for once just tell me what you're thinking," I plead.
She sighs heavily and does as I ask. "At the time, I was pretty certain the whole miscarriage thing was my fault."
I stare at her in horror for a minute before replying.
"Bella, that's ridicu—"
"Stop fucking interrupting me," she requests, sounding amazingly calm. "That's how I felt. Before I took the test, I was still drinking and smoking all sorts of shit. But beyond that I convinced myself that it was my general… badness and unlovableness that made my… our… our baby disappear. I felt toxic. Like there was too much negative in me to taint something so innocent. The universe is not that cruel."
"Isabella," I whisper, placing a palm over her wet cheek and tilting my face to mine. Tears pool in her eyes and mine as well. "That is the most heart breaking thing I've ever heard you say."
"I don't believe that any more," she replies, and I hope this is the truth.
"I really, really hope you mean that," I say, smiling at her softly.
"I really, really do," she assures me. "But that's how I felt when I left. I felt toxic and guilty. I felt like my fucked-upness killed our baby."
"Bella, you should have told me!' I yell, yanking on my hair vigorously. Suddenly I'm mad. I feel so powerless. I can't fix us now just like she would let me fix us then.
"I know," she says, prying my hands off my head and holding them in her lap. "I know. But I really just couldn't, Edward. So many bad things happened, and I was not okay."
"I could have helped," I insist, running my thumbs over his knuckles.
"No, Edward," she replies softly. "You couldn't have helped me because I couldn't have let you. Not then. I wasn't ready to be that dependent on you, especially because I was convinced that I was destroying you."
"You weren't destroying me," I tell her, feeling so sad. "Until you left."
She chuckles humorlessly. "It's ridiculous. Leaving was my first big attempt to not be selfish with you. I was so positive that leaving you was for the best. I was trying to be selfless. With all your talk about putting off grad school, and traveling, and moving in together. I knew you deserved progress and commitment, but I couldn't give it to you. And that was okay, most of the time. But when you started talking about not going to school. Giving up on your lifelong doctor dreams…"
"That is such bullshit," I huff, even though I now know that all my talk of not going to grad school was a really bad move on my part. "You didn't have to leave for me to go to school."
"I know," she says, picking nervously at her nail polish again. "I know that now. But I was already feeling so guilty for ruining your life—"
"You didn't ruin my life! Until you left—"
"I thought I was ruining your life before," she yells, getting a little hysterical now. "And then the baby disappeared and I knew you would find out if I stuck around because you know me too well and I wouldn't have been able to keep it from you. I didn't want you hurting, Edward. Plus, I knew if you found out, there would be no way to convince you to go to grad school. That you throw all your efforts into fixing me. So I left."
I stare at her intently for an uncomfortably long time, before exhaling loudly. Her words are upsetting, but at least I see where she is coming from. I would do pretty much anything to protect Bella from hurt, and after reading the journal I am starting to see that she cares about me enough to do the same. The tension leaves my shoulders, and my head falls forward until I let it rest against her shoulder. My nose brushes her collarbone, and she reaches up to run her fingers through my hair, comforting me.
"I had the right to know," I murmur. "It was not fair. I should have… I should have… been able to grieve. You took that away from me."
"I know, sweetheart," she replies. I feel her hot tears against my cheek. "It was a mistake, and I am so sorry."
She kisses my temple, wrapping her arms around my back.
"You can grieve now," she suggests. "We can grieve together."
And so we do. She sobs and a few manly tears slip down my cheeks as we lay on the bed, facing each other. And it feels good. Cathartic, especially after the miserable week I had thinking the very worst of her. Mostly, I feel relieved that we still have a chance.
Bella has never been this emotionally open with me before, and I'm a little in awe of her.
I don't really know who kissed whom first, but somehow tentative touches lead to chaste kisses that quickly turn to the lingering, heated kind.
I can't really believe that this is happening. I can't really believe I'm kissing Bella again. This is probably a big mistake, and I didn't intend on doing anything of this sort, but right now her lips against mine are just too comforting and arousing to stop.
At first, it is gentle and innocent, but Bella gets restless and tugs insistently on my shoulders until I'm on top of her. Bella's legs come around my hips, and I push a hand into her hair after peeling off my sweater. I groan into her mouth as she rakes her hands down my back. I kiss her with everything I have, and she whimpers in response.
Bella's kisses are languid, but intense. I match her passion, wishing every part of our relationship could be this easy.
My heart is hammering out of my chest as I let out everything I feel for her.
Bella tentatively pops open the buttons of my shirt, and I pant as she rests her hand over my heart.
Emboldened by many, many minutes of this delicious slow torture, Bella runs her hands down the planes of my now naked chest. I let out a soft, low moan as she brushes over my nipples with her thumbs on my way south.
This is too fast. I need a moment. There is still so much we haven't discussed, and I still don't know if I can handle this yet. I don't know if I want this yet. I honestly don't even know if I can be with her again.
But Bella is right here.
My mouth leaves her lips to neck on my collarbone, and her breath gets erratic.
I'm dizzy with everything I feel for this woman, but it's too much. I can't do this. But then I move lower, parting the collar of my flannel shirt that she wears with my chin before dining on the swell of her breasts.
She lets out a little whimper, and fumbles blindly with the drawstring of my ridiculous pants. I grind my thigh against her crotch as she struggles to free me, and she groans loudly in response. We move more desperately against each other, and are both panting by the time she finally get my hands around me.
But then I realize I really, really can't do this.
One moment she is moaning against my skin and my cock is in her palm, the next I leave her on the bed, lying alone on her back and grasping nothing at all. She sits up quickly, blinking in confusion and glancing around the room.
I have jumped ship and stand, chest heaving with my labored breaths, against the door on the far side of the room. My hands dig into the frame behind me, and I hold on for dear life because this grip is the only thing keeping me in place. I just stand there, panting and gazing at Bella with a mixture of desire and panic. She pants and stares back in return, clothing akimbo, bemused by this sudden turn of events.
I really fucking want her. But I just can't
We continue to gaze intently at each other as our breathing settles. For one terrifying moment, I almost decide to kiss her again but somehow I resist.
"I can't." It's a harsh whisper that probably would never have been heard if the room wasn't so quiet.
"Okay," Bella croaks out, her voice breaking.
For a moment I think she is going to cry again, and I really don't want that. Any more of her tears will surely destroy me and my resolve to stay away from her.
"Please," I say. I step away from the wall, hand lifting towards her for a moment but then I hastily retreat. The urge to comfort her is almost overwhelming. "Please don't be upset."
She chuckle humorlessly, impatiently wiping away the tears now silently falling down her cheeks. "Don't be an ass, Edward," she mutters.
"Pardon?" I ask, completely shocked by her response.
"I can understand," she says, speaking quietly, "after all my fuck ups and everything I did to you. I can understand you not wanting me. I get it. I really do. Getting you back was a long shot anyway. But the person I want to spend the rest of my life with doesn't want to be with me. So don't fucking tell me not to be upset. You don't want anything to do with me, and its very, very upsetting." The last few sentences are a bit garbled as her tears increase in number.
Although she wouldn't meet my gaze while she spoke, now she looks up at me with big, watery eyes. I could never be mad at her when she looks at me like this.
Wait.
What did she say?
"You want to spend the rest of your life with me?" I exclaim, eyes wide.
She whines and sniffles.
"I want you forever," she confesses with a little sob.
Joy explodes in my chest, and it gets even harder to refrain from rushing to her. But it's not enough. After everything that's happened, I'm just not ready. We are moving to fast.
Sighing loudly, I run my hands through my hair. I don't even know what to say.
"Don't be ridiculous, Isabella," I tell her with a loud exhale of breath. "Of course I want you."
Because I do. In every way imaginable. But this is just so confusing. I love her and abhor her all at the same time.
"I… I can't be…b-be your fuck buddy… a-anymore," she stutters, totally misinterpreting my words. "You're right. It's way too hard. I want… I want more."
"Bella—"
"Okay," she says, interrupting me as I slowly and warily approach her again. Bella, fumbling slightly, begins to unbutton her shirt. "One more time. But only because I want to remember this one thing that was perfect between us."
What the fuck is she talking about?
It takes me a minute to realize exactly what she means, and when I do I completely panic.
"Whoa!" I yell, rushing over to the bed and stilling her fingers. I carefully make sure that I only make contact with her hand and the cloth because if I touch anymore of her I won't be able to control myself. "For the love of all that is holy, you have to stop!"
Bella just blinks at me and attempts to run her fingers through my hair. I jerk away because that will just feel too good. It would cause me to lose my fragile grip on my sanity.
The tears start again.
"You can't touch me right now, love," I say in what I hope is a soothing tone. "I can't handle the shivers at the moment. Your touch will make me completely lose it."
"Huh?" she asks, gaping at me now.
"You misunderstand me, Bella," he says, re-buttoning her shirt. "I do want you, in every imaginable way."
She glares at me as I tentatively wipe her cheeks clean of tears with the pad of my thumb.
"Then why the fuck won't you fuck me?" she demands, pouting at me as her voice breaks.
With a heavy sigh, I pull away to pace around the room. I feel like half of this conversation is me sighing. So I just talk. Tell her what I'm feeling.
"Listen, Bella. Sex really complicated things with us last time around. That's where we started, and for a long time that was the only way you could manage to show me you cared. I want things to be different this time. We had the steps wrong, but this time I want to go slow. I want to try just being your friend," I say, causing my own heart to break a little bit.
"You want to be my friend?" she asks in disbelief.
"I'm just not ready for anything else," I admit with a frown as my hands once again find their way into my hair. "I can't be with you, Bella. I'm still processing all this new information, weaving it into what I thought I knew about your disappearance. Part of me is still so angry at you for leaving and for not telling me about the baby. I need time to heal, and so do you. I want to be able to trust you again, and I don't think that's going to happen if we jump back into a relationship."
I pause my little diatribe, venturing a glance at her face. She grimaces and I scramble to concoct a plan in case she refuses. What if she demands more? What will I do then? Cut her out? Give in?
"So what does that mean?" she whispers. My pacing is making me dizzy.
"What do you mean what does that mean?" I respond, finally stopping my caged-big-cat-esque movement.
"What does being your friend entail?" she asks, looking panicked now. "I mean, are you just going to go back to Denver, never to be heard from again? When will I see you? What will we do?"
I smile now, sitting on the edge of the bed and tilting my body towards her. She wants me around, and I know this fact should be obvious by now, but I'm still getting used to the idea.
"Well," I reply. "School is quite time consuming so I might not always be great company, but I would like to continue seeing you as much as possible."
"Really?" she asks, beaming up at me like a light bulb.
"Of course, silly girl," I say, smiling at her again. "I can't imagine not seeing you now that you are back in my life. I would miss you too much."
This has her blushing and grinning. I love her blush.
"I would miss you too," she replies.
"So weekends, if I don't have too much to study, I'll come up here. And when you have days off you should come see me. Although you might have to entertain yourself while I study," I say, again with my hands compulsively in my hair.
She looks thoughtful, but I terrified she will call me on my calm façade. If she pushes me now, I will probably cave. I've never been particularly good at resisting her. Its something I obviously need to work on.
"Okay," she says, nodding shyly.
We sit in silence for a moment, thinking. Bella seems to calm down while I strengthen my resolve.
"Do you think we can do it?" she murmurs at some point. "Be friends, I mean?"
"We'll have too," I reply, smiling. "But I really should be leaving now. School starts Monday, and I want to go over the reading I completed at the beginning of break."
"You have to go?" she whines. "But you basically just got here."
"Bella," I reply with a chuckle. "We've been talking for hours."
"Among other things," she mumbles in reply, reminding me of our truly remarkable make out secession. And also the crying jag.
"You're really going to make this just friends thing difficult, aren't you?" I demand with a groan.
She just shrugs and looks at me like she wants to eat me.
"Well, I really need to be going," I say again, standing back up. Bella just nods and pouts. She looks so damn beautiful, I can't help but give her a proper goodbye. I lean over to kiss her forehead. My eyes flutter closed in response to the sparks between us. "Goodbye, love."
"Goodbye, sweetheart," she replies as I move towards the door. My heart hurts a little as I move into the hall. But then I have a question that I can't believe I forgot to ask. A moment latter my head pops back through the open door.
"Back already?" she asks with a nervous little chuckle.
I probably shouldn't ask. There is already so much new information being processed in my head, I hardly need to add more, but my curiosity gets the best of me.
"Bella, where did you go?" I inquire. "In the journal it seemed like you were only on the road for about a year, yet you've been gone for two."
"Ah. Yes," she replies, smiling at me. "I went to Forks."
"Forks?" I shout because it is the last possible place I would have imagined.
"Yes, Forks," she replies, nodding.
I step fully inside the room, closing the door behind me and sitting on the end of her bed. Apparently, I won't be going home quite yet.
"Isabella," I say. "What happened in Forks?"
So, originally the flashback for this chapter was Bella in Forks, but this chapter got so long I had to split it into two. It should be up by the weekend. I hope.
If you aren't in to the past story line, skip it. (I'm talking to you cranky anon who thinks I don't read my reviews)
Review? (Because I totally read and appreciate each and every review) Please? If you feel like it?