Holy Toledo!
SO MANY NEW READERS! Apparently, HH was rec'ed on A Different Forest, and dang was it a successful recommendation. So thank you, thank you, thank you to who ever has been pimping for me. To the newbies, WELCOME. We are at the home stretch now. Maybe two chapters after this. Maybe three. I just don't quite know yet.
I'm sorry I disappeared for so long. Took a spontaneous trip to a fiddin' festival and some fuck awesome Civil War battlefields. Not a lot of internet in the wilds of Virginia. Thanks for all the reviews and PM's of support. Knowing people are so interested in the story is pretty great.
This chapter was a struggle for whatever reason. Probably because the next one is basically my favorite ever. Luckily it is almost done and should be up soon!
Okay. Enough from me.
Thank you so much for reading.
I don't own nothin'.
February 19, 2011
"You don't have to come with me, Edward," she says, frowning as she slips into the closet to get dressed. I want her to change here, in front of me like she used to. Except that would lead to nothing good. We are friends. It's just difficult to remember sometimes, especially after what happened last night. That was a close call.
I don't even bother replying as she closes the door. Flopping backward on the bed, I let out a heavy sigh.
We are going to dinner.
Or, more specifically, we are going to dinner with the nomads. Liam (who is very weird with his silence) and Maggie (who I really do not like at all for obvious reasons). But of course I'm freaking going anyway. Mostly out of a hopefully irrational fear that she will disappear with them again.
Bella steps out of the closet, looking shockingly feminine, in a grey dress with fishnet tights. She wears bright red lipstick and Converse sneakers. Tonight she has attempted to tame her hair, pinning it back and smoothing it down. A couple strands have fallen out and hang around her face. She looks like a dark, modern pin up girl, and I want to kiss her.
"You don't have to come," she repeats, walking over to me and pushing her hand through my hair.
"Do you not want me to come?" I ask, bracing myself for her answer.
"Of course I want you to come," she replies, smiling at me. It does funny things to my heart, when she smiles at me. "But I don't want you to be uncomfortable, and let's face it. Maggie is probably going to make you uncomfortable."
"She's rude, Bella," I point out.
"Yeah, I don't like how she talks to you at all." Now Bella frowns, her face getting all scrunched and adorable.
"Then why do you feel the need to meet them?"
"Part of me doesn't want to go at all," she confesses with a sigh, sitting next to me. "But she isn't going to leave me alone unless I do the obligatory catch up thing and I feel like I still owe her, you know?"
"No," I snap, not getting it at all.
"She was my friend," she replies quietly. "I can't just ride her off. We traveled together for months and now she is here and I would just feel shitty totally burning that bridge. It's just one dinner. And I pretty sure I can get her to leave with minimal drama afterward, okay?"
I sigh heavily, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I guess we are going to dinner."
Bella wraps her arms around my waist and lays her head on my shoulder. "You are so fucking wonderful. Thanks for coming with me."
Things are getting too tender and too emotional, so I stand, grabbing her hand and dragging her out of the bedroom.
Twenty minutes later, Bella and I are seated at the ever-busy Mountain Sun, a brewery on Pearl Street. They have a wide selection of beer and it is hippie central. Bella loves it. I, on the other hand, don't particularly like beer. And the nomads are late.
"Do you think they got lost?" I ask, trying and failing to keep my sour mood out of my voice.
"Naw, bre," says Bella, dismissing my claim with a wave of her hand. "They just don't care about time."
I frown, and Bella chuckles into her stout.
"I know how you think promptness is next to godliness. But cheer up." She wiggles her way under my arm, and smirks up at me. "Just think of this as more alone time. I know how you like your alone time with me."
As much as I don't want to, I can't help but grin down at her. "You know," I reply, twirling a strand of her hair around my fingers and resting my other hand on her hip. "If this was two years ago, I'd be kissing you senseless right now. Ow! Shit, Bella. I think you've learned to punch harder."
"I wouldn't have to punch you if you wouldn't say such fucking torturous things," she mutters, scowling at me through her blush.
I laugh because she is adorable when she's mad, but my chuckle dies in my throat when I am overcome with tenderness for the woman snuggled into my side. I run my thumb across her cheekbone, and her breath hitches.
"You look beautiful, Isabella," I murmur. Her cheeks get even redder.
"Edward—"
"'Ello there, chums," Maggie says, interrupting Bella and bringing back my bad mood. She slides in to the booth across from us, dragging the eerily silent Liam with her. "You two look cozy."
"We were," I mutter, frowning as Bella puts distance between us. My arm drops to my side because friends shouldn't be getting cozy in public booths. Or private booths. But a little cuddling doesn't seem too terrible after all the rule breaking of yesterday.
Damn, that was hot.
I start recreating our wild make out session in my head and realize that I've missed a considerable amount of conversation. Everyone is looking at me. Maggie frowns as if she would rather I not be here at all. Liam stares impassively. Bella flashes me a little, secret smile, as if she knows exactly what has been going on in my head for the last few minutes.
"So, Eddie," says Maggie, directly across the booth from me. "Want another beer?"
I glance down at my now gone ale with mild distaste. "It's Edward," I correct. "And no thank you."
"You sure?" she pushes, standing slightly and making to move to the bar.
"Yes," I reply, trying not to sound terse. I fail.
"Positive?" she pushes. I just stare at her in response.
"Edward is not much of a beer drinker," Bella says, stepping in to relieve the tension. "But he does love his wine, don't you, baby?"
She puts her hand on my shoulder, and I think I'll be able to get through this night if Bella keeps touching me.
"Indeed," I reply. Maggie gives me a strained smile before bopping off, leaving us with her silent husband.
"Liam," Bella says, surprising the pants off me. In my head he is not someone you address directly. He is just the creepy accompaniment to the irritating Maggie. "Dude, you will be happy to know the Chevy is still kickin'. I was terrified it would be dead after two years of neglect."
Liam actually smiles and shakes his head before speaking in an accent so thick I don't catch a word of it other than "ay." But Bella laughs at whatever he said, and I love the sound of her voice so I decide he is not so bad sans his conniving counterpart.
"Yeah, my friend Jake kept it in tip top shape," she continues as Maggie slides back into the booth with a tray full of beer and shots. She distributes the drinks, giving me a large glass of water. "What yah got there, Mags?" Bella asks, raising her eyebrow at the three large shot glasses on the table full of brown liquid.
"Liam!" Maggie admonishes when she husband takes his shot without preamble. "I was intendin' that we cheers to our reunion."
Liam just shrugs and sips his dark beer. Maggie tries to hand Bella a shot, but she shakes her head.
"What's the matter?" Maggie says, blinking in surprise. "It's whiskey."
"No thanks," says Bella, taking a beer instead.
"But it's whiskey," Maggie repeats, gaping at my lady love.
"I'm doing this new thing where I only drink things I like the taste of," explains Bella, wincing as Maggie's mouth pops open in shock.
"You don't like the taste of whiskey?" Maggie clarifies with a scowl.
"Nope. Never really have, now that I think about it." I smile at Bella because this statement it's self is such a change for her. Alcohol is no longer a means to an end for Bella, just something to enjoy. It adds to life on occasion rather than serving as a tool to help her forget it.
"Well, I do," I say, taking the glass and silently toasting a glaring Maggie before pouring the liquid down my throat and smacking my lips in contentment. This catch up dinner is quickly turning into a sort of battle between the red headed devil and myself.
"Who are you?" snaps Maggie, turning back to Bella.
Bella smirks and leans across the table, elbows on the surface. "I'm Bella motherfucking Swan," she says, raising her chin, narrowing her eyes, and continuing to smirk. "Who the fuck are you?"
Maggie's mouth opens and closes rapidly, but she can't seem to form words. Liam chuckles and pats his astonished spouse on her back.
"Well," I say, pleasantly as the waitress approaches. "Let's order, shall we?"
Dinner is tense after that. Maggie goes on and on about their grand adventures, obviously attempting to make Bella jealous of the travel. Bella remains polite but aloof, not divulging anything too personal about her year in Forks or her relationship with me. Maggie assumes we are together, and I have no desire to correct this belief. Maggie asks me rude questions, disparaging my career choice and decision to work for "the man."
And it's fine. Because Bella makes sure to constantly touch me.
There is only one, brief moment of reminiscence when Maggie and Bella laugh about drunken karaoke. I can't imagine Bella singing in front of people and say so. Maggie offers to show me a video on her phone, but Bella quickly vetos the idea, glaring at Maggie. She explains that she doesn't think that I need to see her that wasted, and I try not to let the situation bother me.
By the end of the meal I can tell Bella is over the whole situation, but I still don't see how she is going to get the nomads to leave us alone.
"Where to now?" Maggie asks ask we exit the restaurant.
"It's getting kinda late," replies Bella, glancing at her watch and retrieving her pack of cigarettes from her purse.
"It's 10:30," Maggie snaps. "Let's go out."
"Naw, bre," says Bella. "We're going home. Right, sweetheart?"
"Indeed," I agree, nodding my head as Bella grabs my hand. I stick our combined palms into my coat pocket in defense of the cold. "I'm beat."
"Isa, don't be ridiculous!" Maggie continues to make a fool of herself. All night she has seemed to ignore the glaring fact that Bella has changed. Considerably. This whole evening has just served to remind me how far Bella has come and the progress we have made back towards coupldom. I keep this in mind as Maggie continues to offend me. "When was the last time you slept more than three hours?"
"You were only sleeping for three hours a night?" I ask, looking down at Bella in concern as we walk towards our house. She just shrugs, taking a long draw of her cigarette, and looks at me with big, sad eyes.
"That is the norm," Maggie says, as if she knows Bella's habits better than I do. We continue to walk home, and I wish the pair would just disappear.
"No it's not, Maggie," murmurs Bella, pulling herself closer to my side. "I wasn't sleeping because I was miserable and taking too many drugs."
"You were miserable with us?" Now Maggie sounds upset. Her voice is so strained that even I almost feel a twinge of pity for her. Almost.
"I was miserable without Edward," Bella explains, talking softly and making me flush with pleasure.
"I was miserable without you, too," I whisper in her ear, dropping a quick kiss on her temple.
"Where you going to go now, Mags?" Bella continues after flashing me a quick smile. She drops her half smoked cancer stick to the ground and steps on it as we approach our house on Goss.
"Dunno, to a bar I suppose," replies Maggie.
"No, not tonight. I mean after you leave Boulder," Bella clarifies.
"Haven't really thought about it," replies Maggie.
"Mags," Bella says, keeping remarkably calm. I know she is trying to tell the nomads to get lost. "You can't stay here. "
"I can bloody well stay anywhere I so choose!" sputters an irate Mags. We are now home, and I wander onto the porch with Liam as Maggie and Bella square off.
As my lady love would say, shit is about to get real.
Bella sighs, collecting herself. "Right. It's a free ass country and all that shit. But you certainly can't stay parked in my fucking front lawn. I can't be a part of your life. I can't go back."
"You don't want me here?" Maggie squeaks, sounding hurt now.
"No, I don't." I can tell that Bella is working really hard to keep her voice calm by the tension in her jaw. Liam sits by my feet on the steps, leaning back on his elbows. He glances up at me, patting the wood next to me. With a shrug, I settle in to watch the show next to Liam.
"How can you possibly—"
"It's just not workin'," replies Bella, still trying to sound polite. She fails. "You don't respect my desire to get my shit together."
"You ungrateful little bitch," Maggie yells, semi-hysterical now. I bristle at her words, but do not interfere. Bella can handle herself, and I know she won't be holding anything back now. "I gave you food! Shelter! Drugs! I put up with the wretched vibes you emanated constantly. I spend the energy getting to know you, pulling you out of your funk! I let you fuck in the back of my van and made sure you weren't passed out in the gutter. How dare you!"
Oh shit. Bella's lip has twitched into an evil smile, but closes her eyes and collects herself, yet again. And when Bella finally replies, she seems to completely disregard Maggie's little fit.
"To answer your original question," says Bella, fists clenched at her sides. "I don't want you here because you are rude to my boyfriend." I assume she means me even though we are markedly not there yet. I like that she sees me this way, and I remember the olden days when I saw her this way despite her clams to the contrary. It makes me smile. "You haven't changed at all which would be fine, I don't give a fuck if you want to act like a fucking child on your own time, but you can't get it through your pubescent brain that I'm different. I'm happy. I don't want to go back. You may have had a motherfucking blast those months I lived with you but I barely even felt like a person. I had fucking exiled myself, and everyday I ached to feel human enough to come back home. And now I have, so no. I don't want you here because not only are you a constant reminder of my darkest days, but every fucking minute you are either trying to take me back there or insulting the person I care about most in this world. Sorry Mags. But you it's over. You have to let it be over."
Maggie just blinks. The contrast between the two women is rather shocking. Bella stands tall, angry but firmly in control. Maggie's face is red and she looks as flustered as Bella looks cool. I find I'm quite proud of the new woman before me.
"And I paid my own way," Bella continues, turning towards me. "Now get the fuck away from my house."
We go inside and I'm not totally sure what to say to after I shut the door behind us. I sense that Bella is having some sort of moment or break through here, and I don't want to ruin it by saying the wrong thing, such as congratulating her on her awesomeness or telling her just how much I enjoyed her telling "Mags" what's what.
Bella lets out a huge sigh before collapsing onto the living room sofa. "I'm so fucking sorry," she says, blinking up at me and sounding miserable.
"Why?" I ask, genuinely shocked by this statement. "You fucking rocked out there. Personally, I loved it."
When Bella doesn't even crack a smile, and I start to get really concerned.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" I ask, moving to sit next to her.
"I'm a fucking moron. I can't believe I subjected you to that!" she yells. I don't particularly like her berating herself.
"Bella, don't worry about me. I was fine. I mean, it would certainly wouldn't make my list of ten favorite evenings, but it wasn't so bad. It was kinda cool, to see this refined version of you ripping someone a new one. The old Bella would have just punched her." Success! She cracks a smile. It's quick and she goes back to frowning after a moment, but I definitely saw it. "What I really don't get is why you felt the need to subject yourself to that."
"I… don't really know." Bella's forehead furrows, indicating that she is thinking really hard. "I already told you that I felt this obligation to Maggie. She did keep me out of a lot of trouble, which sounds weird I know but it's true."
"I understand," I reply, rubbing the back of her neck. "Mostly."
"But there is more," she continues. "I don't really know how to explain it, but I felt like I needed to test myself somehow. I've changed so much in the last few years, its kinda fucking ridiculous. Sometimes I have a hard time believe its real, yah know?"
Oh I know. Oh, baby, how I know it.
"So seeing them… I was just curious to see if I would feel any temptation to go back to that," she says, blushing deeply and studying her hands that rest in her lap.
"Back to what?" I whisper, pretty freaked out by the direction this conversation is taking.
"Livin' with no cares. No responsibility. It was easier for me, not thinking. Keeping myself numb. It was fucking killing me, but it really was easier than dealing with all my demons. So I was curious to see if I felt any desire to go back," she says, looking at me with wide eyes.
"And the conclusion is?" I demand.
"Nothin'," she says, with a big goofy grin. "Just as I suspected."
"So you are saying that this little dinner confirmed that you don't want to be a nomad?" I clarify. Even after all these years I find it a little difficult to follow Bella logic.
"Yup," she say, proud now. "My doubts in myself were teeny, tiny, but now they are gonzo."
I smile back, happy that she seems so pleased with herself. Perhaps the last few, painful hours were actually worth it. I'm glad she's had this little break though. I'm glad she can trust herself. Now if I could only get there.
"I'm not goin' no where, baby," she whispers, apparently reading my mind.
Logically, I believe her. Soon I hope all of me will too.
March 5, 2011
"So what do you want to do tonight?" Bella asks as we trudge home in the snow from Jolina's with a pizza so huge we will never be able to eat it on our own. She grasps my arm and has already slipped four times in the three blocks we've walked. Once we almost go down, and Bella yells "save the pizza!"
"The housemates are all going out for drinks if you're interested," I reply. It has been two weeks since our weekend was hijacked by the nomads. I thought Bella might be upset from the fall out, but anything she seems happier.
"Are you interested?" she asks, crinkling her nose at me. I lean over to kiss it because I can't not, causing us to slip again. This time it's Bella that keeps me upright.
"The pizza, Edward!" she yells through her laughter. "The pizza."
"And to answer you're question, I am only interested in spending the night with you," I tell her as we turn onto the driveway. She isn't going to like my plans for the evening, but I've finally decided to take a more active role in the healing process so she will just have to go along with it.
"Well I kinda wanted to stay in. If that's okay?"
"It's great. Pizza, wine," I reply.
"Cozy," she murmurs.
"You are really not going to like what I want to do tonight," I confess as I finagle holding the door open for her and balancing the gigantic pizza.
"Oh, good grief. What now?" Bella says, sighing heavily as she kicks off her boots and peels off her jacket. I hand her the pizza and she hands me the coat. I hang it along with mine in the closet before putting our shoes away in the utility room where they will not melt snow onto the wood floor. "Are you going to quiz me about my childhood again? Because that was really fun."
"Don't get snarky with me," I reply, chuckling at her dramatics. Bella has set the pizza down on the coffee table in the living room before sliding on her socks into the kitchen. I sit, inhaling deeply as I open the pizza box. Bella returns with paper plates, napkins, a bottle of pinot noir, and two glasses.
"Okay, lay it on me," she says, sitting close to me and grabbing a slice.
"I want to talk about the year you were traveling."
Predictably, Bella groans in misery.
"I just want to go over your journal. I have been for awhile, and the appearance of Maggie got me curious again. I had so many questions when I was reading it, and I was thinking we could read it together," I tell her, enjoying my own slice.
"Why?" she asks, gaping at me in shock. "Why in the hell would you want to do that? Bad, painful things happened in that year. Need I remind you of the whole James situation?"
"No, I fucking remember," I growl out.
"You know about it. You know where I was and what I did and my reasons for leaving in the first place," Bella says.
"Do I? Do I really know?" I insist, abandoning my pizza when it becomes clear that this is going to escalate into a real, legitimate fight. Bella has done the same and is pacing around in front of me, sucking down her wine and frowning.
"Yes! That's why I gave you the damn thing!" she yells. "Do you really think I wanted to give you my journal? Do you think it was pleasant for me? Confessing all the fucked up shit I did after I left you? Do you think I want you to see me that way? You always thought the best of me and that's obviously not true anymore, but I knew that when I gave you the journal. But I did it because I wanted you to know everything."
"I get that," I reply, attempting to be the calm one. As usual. "And I appreciate that you are working on letting me in like this. It's a touching gesture, really."
"Then way are we still talking about it?" she demands, stopping her frantic movements to stand in front of me, glaring at me with her hands on her hips.
Damn, she is so beautiful. I really want to kiss her.
"I am trying to move on here," she says. "And you are dragging us back into the past."
"Isabella," I reply, really working very hard to not lose patience. "I want to move on as well. But to do that, I feel like I need to understand. At this point, I know all these facts but I am not totally clear on your motivation."
"Not clear?" she sputters, still looking highly displeased.
"I want you to explain your journal to me so I can understand and then move on," I reply.
She sighs heavily, and I know I've won. "You and your fucking logic," Bella mutters before sitting next to me. "Can I at least enjoy my dinner in peace first?"
Nodding, I kiss her cheek and go back to my pizza.
"What did you do to this page?" Bella asks, laughing slightly as she attempts to smooth the crumpled and slightly ripped paper.
She lies on her stomach on her bed while I sit in the desk chair by her head. Normally, I would join her on the bed, but it is just too dangerous these days. Sex is something I really want from Bella. I crave it. Plus emotions are running high, and that would probably just lead to angry sex. Which would be bad.
I mean, good. Really, really fucking good.
But bad in a larger sense.
"I didn't like that entry," I mutter, yanking on my hair.
"This is just the Bella learns to swim day," she says, furrowing her brow in confusion. "You tore up Bella learns to swim and didn't touch Bella drunkenly fucks James on a beach."
"Please do not say that again," I groan. This is much harder than I expected it to be.
"Sorry," she replies, reaching up to remove my hand from my hair and kissing my palm. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"I feel like we need too. Don't you feel like we need too?" I ask. Now, like most of the time, I have no idea what I am really doing with Bella. It's an unprecedented situation, and I really am doing my best. We are just fumbling through this process of healing. It is very, very frustrating.
"If you feel like you need to than yes, let's do it. But what are you trying to get out of this exercise?"
Suddenly exhausted, I stand from my chair and settle myself next to Bella on the bed. It seems that all of our major conversations take place in this bed.
"I understand now. Why you left. That part I get. You were barely holding on as it was, and I get how losing the baby sent you over the edge. When stuff got too real, you would leave. That's how you coped, so I understand why you ran away after you miscarried," I say, talking quietly. I sort out my thoughts as I speak, and I hope she comprehends what I'm trying to tell her.
"But I don't understand James," I confess as Bella rolls on her side to get a better look at my face. "At all. I don't get why you chose to leave with him. Bella, him of all people. All I can picture when I read about you doing drugs and James is that night when I saw him all over you in the basement. You helpless, and him grabbing at your skin."
It still makes me sick, thinking about it.
"Oh, Edward," she says, her voice breaking as the tears start. "I'm so sorry. I didn't even think you still thought about that."
"Of course I still think about it," I murmur. "Please, don't cry."
"Fuck, I hate this," Bella says, punching the mattress.
"Me too," I murmur.
"Edward," she continues through her sniffles. "Listen carefully now because I've said this before but you were obviously not listening. I. Did. Not. Choose. James. I didn't choose him. I happened upon him drunk and he happened to be leaving that night. I was drunk and decided to take it as a sign from the universe."
"Okay," I reply. "So that explains why you left with him. But you stayed with him for a year, Bella! A whole year. You slept with him—"
"Not very often," she defends.
"And he told you he loved you—"
Bella snorts. "The boy only loves himself."
"And he taught you how to swim," I continue. "He helped you keep your head above water."
"Ah," she says as if she finally understands what I'm having a hard time explaining even to myself. "And you wanted to be the one to keep my head above water," Bella finishes for me, eloquently and metaphorically expressing just what I am getting at.
"But you never let me. You let James," I reply, somewhat petulantly.
"Edward, James was terrible for me. I used him to get high and forget. I never needed him or depended on him or even really wanted him."
I just scowl and pout.
"Edward Anthony," she says, scooting dangerously close and running a thumb down my jaw. "I know, in your head, you have spent that last few years vilifying James. But as much as you don't want to hear this, he wasn't a totally bad guy. He wasn't great, but he was not terrible either. Mostly, he was a total non event. He was easy to be around because I didn't care about him at all. If anything my time with him just made me miss you more and realize how good you are. How lucky I was to have you and how fucking stupid I was to not see it at the time."
"But you had to have cared about him somewhat!" I say, still not getting it. "You stayed with him for a year."
If she could have stayed with him for a year without caring about him than she could have stayed with me without caring. But that can't be the case. She's back. She's here. She is finally letting me in. Right. Gah, my head hurts.
"I wasn't with him, Edward!" she declares, sitting up and getting really frustrated with me now. "I don't know what else to say to make you see. James was just around. He was useful for getting drugs and the occasional laugh, but mostly he was a pain in the ass. Typically, all I felt for him was mild annoyance bordering on apathy. You, I was with. You, even while I was gone, I am freakin' obsessed with. You I wanted and needed and depended on. You I continue to want and need and depend on. Got it?"
I let her words sink into my brain and finally start to believe her.
"Yes, ma'am," I say, smirking now. I think I see. She cares about me. "Can I kiss you now?" I ask, flushing slightly. Bella blushes in return. "Just really quickly. Please?"
"Of course," she says with a giggle.
I press my lips into hers, and immediately feel my whole body relax and warm at the touch. We keep it quick, chaste. But it calms and arouses me anyway.
"Ah," I say, clearing my throat in an attempt to also clear my head. "Where were we?"
"Kissing?" Bella says hopefully.
"Before that," I correct, smiling at her.
"I can't remember. My brain is totally on kissing," she whispers.
Again, I have to clear my throat and move away from her. I stay against the headboard and pull her journal into my lap.
"We're still doing this?" she asks in exasperation.
"Yeah, I want to know everything."
We go over ever little detail of the journal. Bella answers all my questions, even the hard ones. She tells me all about her travels, giving me even more detail about the places she went and the people she met. She even smiles a bit and laughs when she shares the good memories. I find it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
"I can't believe you sang karaoke," I mutter. "Come on, give me a demonstration."
"Aw, fuck no," she yells.
"Please?" I ask, thinking about tickling her into submission. But that too is far too dangerous and would lead to far more physical contact than I can handle at the moment.
"Absolutely not. Maggie tricked me and I was high as fuck," she says, crossing her arms over her chest and scowling.
I scowl at the thought of the woman Bella basically chased out of Boulder two weeks ago. Although I was not fond of her portrayal in the journal, I absolutely loathe her now. I hate Maggie view of the world. How she continued to attempt to make Bella go back to before.
And the drugs…. Well I really hate to think of Bella like that. Totally out of control and killing herself.
"When was the last time you did drugs?" I ask.
Bella's nose scrunches up in thought as she tries to remember. "I'm not sure. More than a year ago. Right before I flew to Forks. Or the hard stuff, anyway. I smoked a couple times with Tyler in Forks, but that was at least six months ago if not more."
"I would probably really hate Tyler if I wasn't so busy hating James," I reply. "Did you ever kiss him?"
"No, Edward," she says, sighing heavily. "I told you. He is just a friend. His friendship was really good for me. We talked. I needed a lot of practice talking about the real stuff. Feelings and shit."
"It's just baffling to me that you now have all these relationship with people I don't know that somehow helped you in ways I couldn't," I say, just now figuring out why I resent all the new people in Bella's life.
"It was easier talking to them." Ouch, that kinda hurt. I want her do be able to talk to me. "Don't look so sad, Edward. Let me explain. I just meant that their opinion meant less to me. I felt like I could be honest with them because I could handle their judgment. I was not scared of them having a negative opinion of me. With you… well you always thought so highly of me. I felt like if you knew everything you would hate me or think less of me, and I couldn't handle that."
"Bella, I would never—"
"I know," she interrupts, smiling at me. "I know that now. Just think of it as practice. For two years I practiced being completely open with you. Okay?"
"Okay," I reply, grinning as well.
"Can I kiss you now? Just really quickly? Please?" Bella says, talking so fast the words run together.
"Okay," I reply again.
I am very wary as Bella zeros in on my mouth. The more time I'm with her, the harder it is to refrain from touching her. It would be so easy, to use sex to feel better. But I think we are supposed to be feeling all this right now. It seems important. Sex is a great distraction, and we need to keep talking.
But Bella surprises me. Instead of taking advantage, she keeps her body away from mine, and her kiss as quick as mine had been. She does lick my bottom lip in that way that drives me crazy and pushes a littler firmer than I did, but I was prepared to ward off a bombardment.
Even though she is the strong one in that department these days.
"That was nice," she says with a sigh as she pulls away.
I hum my agreement before continuing to read her journal. Mostly it's a tactic to keep myself from jumping her.
"Did you really slap him and then throw up on his shoes when he told you he loved you?" I ask, chuckling slightly at that image as I skim the last few pages of the notebook.
"Yup."
I want to ask her about this revelation she has in this entry. I think she realized she loves me, but it seems too soon to talk about these feelings, so I keep going. I've waited so long to hear how she really feels about me, I don't see the need to rush. Plus, if I asked I would feel like I was forcing it out of her. She needs to draw that conclusion herself.
Also, I am chickening out because I am terrified that she doesn't feel like I do.
"You punched him," I say, really grinning now. "I love that you punched him."
"Yeah, it was a good moment. Hurt like a bitch, though," Bella says.
"I'm well aware. He has a hard head."
Bella laughs and is about to reply but my phone goes off.
"Hello?" I answer.
"What the fuck, man?" Jake booms, speaking over the crowd at whatever bar he is inevitably visiting tonight. "Where the fuck are you?"
"At home," I reply, rolling my eyes.
"Well, come out!" he demands.
"No," I reply. "I plan on staying in tonight."
"You are such a whipped little pansy bitch," he says. "What the fuck is up with you being in Boulder and not calling me?"
"I just needed some private time," I reply. Bella frowns slightly and bites her lip as I talk. Overcome with tenderness for this new version of the woman I love, I remove her lip from her teeth before absently twirling her hair through my fingers.
"Oh I see how it is," Jake continues. "The second you get your girl back, you forget all about your boys. What happened to bro's before hoe's man?"
I laugh loudly. "Firstly, this is exactly what happened with you when you started dating. And secondly, she would kill you for calling her a hoe."
Bella's eyebrows go way up at this, and the lip is back between the teeth.
"Which one? Bella or Leah?" he asks.
"Both," I respond with a chuckle.
"Dude. I've missed you and your weird brainyack sense of humor. Please come out?" he whines.
I stroke Bella's cheek and think about all the people I would have to share her with if we venture beyond this house. "Not tonight. But how about we meet for breakfast in the morning?"
"Cool. Ten? Lucille's?"
"Sure."
"Can I bring Leah?"
"Of course."
We hang up, and I turn to Bella.
"What's wrong?" I ask when I see the frown remains on her lovely face.
"Who are you meeting for breakfast?" she asks, trying to sound casual. But she is fiddling with the bedspread, so I know she is nervous.
"We," I reply, pulling her into my side, "are meeting Jake. And probably Leah at Lucille's."
"Jake?" she exclaims, leaping away from my body so she can gape at me properly. "Jake? My Jake, your former arch enemy, was on the phone begging you to go out tonight?"
"Yeah. I thought you knew that we are friends now," I say, chuckling at her. She makes the cutest facial expressions when she is surprised. Or happy. Or pretty much all the time actually.
"Yes. I did know this. But knowing is different than seeing," she says, still looking completely gob smacked. "I didn't realize you were that fucking close. I thought you got along in a group, not that you called each other and shit."
"We're pretty close now," I say. "I hung out with him all the time when you left. He got what I was feeling better than Jazz and Em."
Bella lets out some sort of gurgling, groaning, banshee scream before collapsing forward and burying her face in a pillow.
"I thought you would be happy," I repeat, a little alarmed at this response.
"My brain just exploded," she mumbles into the pillow, muffling her reply.
Now I can't help but laugh at her. She turns her head to scowl at me.
"Who did you think it was?" I ask, chuckling slightly.
"Dunno," she mutters with a scowl. "Some bitch lookin' to get in your pants."
"Bella, that is ridiculous."
"Can we just go to bed now?" she pleads. "All this talk and confessions and emotion have thoroughly exhausted me."
"Of course, love," I reply, leaning down to kiss her forehead. It's my safe zone, the area I can touch her without totally risking losing my control. She smiles at me, and I move to get out of bed. I've been spending my nights on the couch, but Bella grabs my wrist.
"Do you… uh… do you think maybe you could, um, stay here tonight?" she asks, sounding nervous and shy and ridiculously appealing. Her face flames, and I want to see her blush reach her chest. "No funny business! I won't try and seduce you or anything. I just don't want to be away from you tonight."
"I don't want to be away from you either," I confess, smiling at her and pushing her hair out of her face.
"So you'll stay?"
"I'll stay."
"What the fuck is your deal, Isa-belly?" Jake demands, his mouth full of beignet. He has powdered sugar all over his chin, and Leah shakes her head in a sort of resigned disgust. "You haven't said anything at all and you haven't touched your beignet. Are you sick?"
Bella still doesn't reply and just continues to stare at her best friend. With a chuckle, I lay my arm across her shoulders along the back of the booth.
"She is still in shock that we are such good friends," I explain, rubbing her neck. Bella relaxes slightly at my side.
"Ah," Jake says, nodding in understanding and licking his fingers clean of sugar with loud slurping sounds.
"That's fucking gross," says Leah, throwing a napkin at his face. "And what do you mean? You two haven't always been good friends?"
Jake and I have a good laugh before answering.
"I fucking hated that guy," says Jake. "He was this annoying little nerd that somehow managed to steal my best friend."
"And I was highly threatened by the pot head Neanderthal that cared too much for my woman," I add.
"Huh," Leah says. "That's weird."
"It's not weird!" says Bella. "It was the natural order of things. This buddy, buddy crap is highly disconcerting."
"I remember a time when you would badger us incessantly to try to get along," I remind her.
"Yup," Jake says. "Ah, good times. We never did have that race, you filthy bloodsucker. I'm going to fucking own you."
"Not likely, mangy mongrel," I reply before laughing again.
"How did this happen?" Bella demands. "I must know."
"I took his virginity," Jake says.
We all stare at him in varying degrees of horror and confusion.
"His pot virginity," he explains, sighing as if it should have been obvious.
"YOU GOT HIM HIGH!" Bella yells. I shush her as several other customers and waitresses turn to glare at my ladylove. "That's how you turned out friends? He got you high? You smoked? Good grief, I really did do a number on you."
"That was the key," Jake says. "We are bonded forever over Eddie's inaugural weed experience."
"Don't call me Eddie."
"Well, I can't call you Edward," he replies. "People named Edward don't smoke the ganj. They wear monocles and vests and live in libraries and play croquette."
"Well, I certainly don't have a monocle," I muse.
"You play croquette?" Jake asks with a bark of a laugh. "Dude, get a life."
"Can we get back to the point here?" Bella snaps in exasperation. "This unholy union happening here."
"Bella!" Jake shouts indignantly. "You nagged and nagged and nagged us both to get a long and now that we do you are pissed about it?"
I chuckle because Bella is cute when she is flustered. Also Jake makes a damn good point.
"I'm not pissed!" she sputters in reply. "I'm just shocked. It's good. Really good. I always knew you two would be buddies if you stopped with the grudge holding and quit being such butt muntchers. Just never thought it would actually happen."
"That is offensive. I'm a highly logical person," I defend.
"And never have I munched a butt in my entire life," puts in Jake.
Bella rolls her eyes but then cracks a smile. "Things sure have changed around here," she says. "I think I like it."
Yes, as do I.
So not too much happened, but a necessary chapter I believe. Originally I was going to include an Edward Jake flashback, but I think we are all done with the angst. Perhaps an outtake one day.
Thoughts?