This is a good one.
I hope you like it.
All the positive response to the last couple chapters has been amazing. I don't even know what to say, its been so great.
Not mine.
March 10, 2011
"Come here, you stupid animal," I growl, crawling on my hands and knees under my bed. Of course the damn cross-eyed fool has retreated to the far corner. I swear to Buddha he fucking smirks at me. He lets out a little purr as I stretch out my fingers, and even though he tilts his chin like he wants me to pet him, Waldo remains just out of reach.
I push my body forward, but the cat dodges behind a storage box before I can grab him.
"Urg!" I yell in frustration. "Motherfuck you, you motherfucking half breed!"
Waldo lets out a little snort, and I swear the animal is laughing at me. I shake the storage box, hoping it will inspire him to emerge, but Waldo holds tough.
I refuse to be defeated by the pound pussy and decide it's time to bring out the big guns.
Ten minutes later I am seated against the headboard, a small bowl of ice cream sitting in my lap and my third, large, glass of wine in my hand. I eat with exaggerated pleasure. "Umm," I groan as if I am experiencing orgasm rather than brain freeze. "So good. This ice cream is delicious. Opps," I continue, letting a drop fall to the wood floor at the side of the bed. "How clumsy of me."
I give up with the moaning and what not because my brain really does hurt and the faked pleasure is downright exhausting especially because I'm not fucking getting any these days. But hopefully I will be able to change all that this weekend. It is time to take action, and I am so totally done with the whole friends thing.
Relationship purgatory is over, and I'm tried of waiting around on Edward to make the next move. Plus, It's my turn to pursue him. My turn to go after what I want. Which is him, obviously. Neither of us have any fucking clue what we are doing, and I have decided it's up to me to take action.
I just need Waldo to help me practice so I wait patiently with my eyes glued to the drop of ice cream on the floor. As expected, his little ginger head pops out from beneath the bed less than a minute later. Dude loves ice cream, though his little kitty body does not handle it well and he ends up reeking for a week afterward.
After licking at the floor he jumps onto the bed, purring and rubbing on me. "Oh, now you're all cuddly. Now that I have something you want." He just blinks at me, tilting his head to the side. With a heavy sigh I put the bowl in front of him, allowing him access to the tiny amount of sugary sweetness left in it.
"Alright, kit kat," I say as he laps up the last of the ice cream. "Now that you are all fed and stinky, you owe me."
He sits at the end of the bed, blinking up at me with those big, green, slightly crossed eyes and licking his lips. Well, cats don't really have lips. Waldo licks the place where his lips would be if he was a person. Gah, focus, Bella. I am on a mission and letting myself get all distracted by weird as shit like cat lips.
I'm going to blame the wine and my nerves for that particularly bizarre digression.
I stand and pace in front of the bed. Waldo's head swings from side to side as he watches my twitchy movements. Krishna, how the hell am I going to do this? I am a fucking wreck just thinking about saying what I have to say. And Edward isn't even fucking here.
I spend a few more minutes berating myself for being so fucking crazy. This isn't hard for normal people. It's just us crazies that can't owe our feelings.
But I'm going to do it. I am tried of this strange, pseudo friendship place he put us in months ago. Since the departure of the nomads and our analysis of my journal, I have been waiting around for him to get his shit together and take us to the next level but he seems perfectly content to just continue as we are.
Fuck this shit.
I need sex. I need connection. I need him.
And I am coming to think that Edward is purposely leaving it to me to make it happen. He spent so much time putting his whole self out there, pursuing me relentlessly even when I was a total heartless bitch. It is my turn to risk everything to tell him how I feel. To make it clear that he is it for me.
So, I have decided with the input of Dr. Jones, the new shrink, that is time for me to suck it up and say it. It is time for me to confess my love to Edward.
Gah, I fear I may be sick.
I glance down at Waldo who has moved from lip smackin' to butt lickin', and I fear that my plan to practice might be doomed.
Renee used to say she loved me. All the time, she used to claim to love me just as she claimed to love mother earth, the color of the sky, a particularly worn out pair of leather boots, and the artwork of fucking Dr. Seuss. She didn't love me anymore than she loved a fucking cartoon. It's funny how easily the words flowed from her mouth now that I can't even bring myself to really think them without feeling like I'm gonna pass the fuck out.
But none of that really matters now. He deserves to hear it just as I want to say it. Edward is coming to town tomorrow, and I need to be ready by then. This is my grand gesture. To finally tell him how I feel— not that he doesn't already know it. He deserves everything from me, and I just pray that he will want what I want.
So far, I've said the words out loud once to my reflection and once to good old Dr. Jones. Now, I'm planning on practicing to the damn cat until I feel a little more confident about what I'm going to do. The whole thing is fucking ridiculous. It shouldn't be this hard, but I can't help the way I feel.
"Okay," I say, pausing my movements in front of Waldo. He glances up at me, mildly interested in what I have to say, as he starts work on licking his paw. "Waldo, my dear sweet pussy." I giggle to myself at this before berating myself for losing focus. Damn it, Isabella, enough with the tomfoolery.
Probably should've stopped a couple glasses ago.
"Waldo," I start again. "I... find you to me incredibly attractive. Do you by chance work out?"
I just get blinked at, and I bite my lip in stress.
"Waldo," I press on. "I... am really quite fond of your big green eyes. You are so dashing. Okay, this is fucking ridiculous. Get it together, Bells. Get it the fuck together." I do a little stretching and pump myself up, football player style. I even do a couple lunges around the room.
"Okay. Waldo, I love you." I say this in double time through clenched teeth and closed eyes. My whole body tenses, and stand there for a moment, bracing myself for impact. I open one eye and peak around at my surroundings. Shockingly, the world did not end.
"Hey," I say, scratching his chin. "That wasn't so bad. I love you, I love you, I love you."
I let out a little giggle, endlessly pleased with myself, even if I do still want to vomit.
But then I decide that declaring one's love for a cat is very different then doing it for one's soul mate. If only Waldo looked a bit more like his dad.
When my cell rings fifteen minutes later, I am busy saying "I love you, Edward," to a very uncomfortable Waldo. I have him in a sweater vest and an old pair of Edward's glasses. The illusion is helped along by several more large glasses of wine.
"'Ello?" I say, giggling into the phone. I am amusing myself greatly with this whole practice session.
"Hello, love," replies the familiar velvet voice.
"Adonis!" I yell joyously into the phone. "I was just talking to you."
"Adonis, huh?" he says with a chuckle. "It's been awhile since I've heard that one."
"I'm feeling nostalgic," I explain, bringing Waldo into my lap. I finally take pity on him and remove the outfit while giving him a good cuddle. He scowls at me for another moment before settling against my tummy.
"Wait, what do you mean you were just talking to me?" he continues.
I just giggle in response.
"Are you drunk?" he asks, sounding amused now.
"Tipsy," I confess. "Thirsty Thursday and all that."
"Ah, talk about nostalgia," he replies, sounding wistful. "So what are you doing this fine night? Other than quenching your thirst?"
I want to tell him that my thirst has not been quenched, not since I last had his dick in my mouth, but somehow I refrain.
"Just hanging with Waldo," I say, laughing to myself again. "Practicing."
"Practicing for what?" he asks. "Best in Show?"
I let out a snort, nervous again now that I think about applying what I worked on today to Edward when he comes up tomorrow. A subject change is most definitely in order if I want to avoid getting sick all over the place.
"Something like that," I reply. "But I'm also doing one more thing."
"What's that?" he asks, wary now.
"Missing you," I murmur into the phone, feeling like crying now. I hate living so far away from Edward. I want to see him everyday. I want to wake up in his arms. I haven't seen him in weeks. I am busy working and volunteering and writing, and he barely even has time to sleep between his course load and shifts at the hospital and the student groups he's involved in.
It fucking sucks.
There is a long pause and all that irrational fear that he doesn't want me bubbles back up. "I miss you too," he says softly. "So fucking much, Isabella." His urgency soothes me, and I wiggle down in the pillows, closing my eyes and pretending that he is lying next to me. That Waldo's heat really is Edward's. "Not seeing you is driving me crazy! Which makes what I have to say even more difficult."
"What do you have to say, baby?" I ask, tensing again.
"I can't come up tomorrow," he says, sounding genuinely upset. "I have this honors meeting I forgot about tomorrow night and then a test on Monday. Plus, I was given extra shifts at the hospital. I'm so sorry. Love, I—"
I interrupt his ranting because he sounds so guilty. "Hey, don't do that," I say, speaking softly.
"Don't do what?" he asks. "Put school before you? Because I don't want to either but—"
"No, don't feel like you have to justify your actions so motherfucking much," I reply. "You are in med school. It's hard as shit and a fuckton of work. I get it. I don't want you to feel like you are falling behind because you feel like you have to take care of me—"
"But I want to see you!" he says, frustrated.
"I know, baby," I reply. "I want to see you too. Just don't feel guilty or worry that you're losing me when you can't. We'll make it work, okay?"
"Okay," he says, letting out a big sigh in what I hope is relief. I want him to understand that I support his doctordom all the motherfucking way. "Thanks for that, Bella."
"Of course, Edward," I reply, setting down again and getting sleepy. I reach over and turn off the bedside light as Waldo yawns and snuggles closer.
"Is there anyway you can come up here this weekend?" he asks, sounding desperate.
"'Fraid not," I mutter. "I work for the next four days. Nine hour shifts. Plus, I have tutor training in the evenings."
Becoming a literacy tutor through the library seemed like a grand way to give back, but it is seriously taking a chunk out of my Edward time.
"I wanted to do this in person all formally and fancy, but I suppose I will have to settle for the phone," he mutters in the phone. Thankfully he continues before I have time to demand explanation or freak out too terribly. "We have a formal, ever spring, thrown by the medical fraternity."
"You're a frat guy now? No shit," I say before I can stop myself.
"It's not like that," he says with a sigh. "It's about study, not drinking till we puke."
"I'm going to start calling you bro," I declare. "Yo, bro dude! Jager bombs and Key Light!"
"Will you stop babbling? I am trying to ask you out," he says sounding if he can't decide if he is frustrated or amused.
Wait, like on a date?
"Like on a date?" I burst out, unable to contain my excitement. "A fancy date? To a formal?"
"Yes. So what will it be?" he asks.
"What will what be?" I say with a giggle because it is just too damn fun to fuck with him. He is so fucking cute when he gets flustered.
"Bella!" he yells in exasperation.
"You haven't actually asked me anything yet," I point out.
Edward chuckles and sighs. "Isabella Marie Swan," he says after a pause. "Would you like to attend the spring formal with me?"
I squeak a little bit in joy because to me this is a real date, a real step forward. Also because I never went to dances in high school or was even asked, so I feel like I'm getting a do over on that whole experience. Plus, seems like a pretty good place to declare ones love.
I must really be alarming Edward with this over the top display of girliness.
"Are you alright?" he asks a moment later when I'm done celebrating.
"Yes," I reply when I realize he can't see me nodding my head.
"So was that a yes then?"
"Yes," I state with no hesitation this time.
"Great. It's a date."
I'm going on a motherfucking date with Edward Cullen. Huzzah!
He stays on the phone with me until I fall asleep.
EPOV
March 11, 2011
"I hate these things. I never have time to get a real date. Grad school sucks," says Randall, studying a glossy invite and frowning.
"Maybe this time we will actually meet some real life girls," says Amun hopefully. "I miss girls. Like, real girls. Not grad school girls who have no time to actually date."
"We don't have time to actually date," points out Felix. "It takes time to get to know a girl well enough for her to understand that grad school is a big fucking commitment. And we don't have the time."
"I just want to have sex," whines Randall. "Is it so wrong to want to have sex?"
I chuckle as I study because Randall sounds so damn wistful. Plus I can relate. It feels like I've been celibate my whole life rather than just the last few months. I want to change that but I really have to idea how to take the next step with Bella. I don't know if we're ready. Part of me is still so angry at her for leaving, even if I now understand her reasons aren't what I originally thought. I get why she had to leave, and I am thankful for the person she returned to me as. But I still find it difficult to reconcile my distrust with my desire to be with her and my acknowledgement that her departure facilitated necessary change.
Mostly I'm just terrified that she isn't as serious as I am. I am terrified of fucking it up.
"Shut up, Edward!" yells Randall. "You are damn lucky. You always go with Tia. I should have befriended a hot co-ed last year."
"Tia and I have just gone as friends in the past," I mutter.
"Still, you don't have to worry about the shame of being dateless."
"Actually," I say, shifting nervously in my seat. I've never shared anything this personal with my med school friends. They are more acquaintances really. We study and attend classes together, but I never let them get to know me. "I am not going with Tia this year."
"Why? Did Tia get a real date?" inquires Felix.
"Not that I know of…"
"You got a real date," Amun states, pointing a finger in my face.
"Yes, actually," I reply, smiling at the memory of how excited Bella was when I asked her to attend the spring formal.
"How the hell did you manage that?" demands Randall, looking shocked. "Who is she? Does she go here? Where did you meet? How did you find the time?"
"Randall, shut the fuck up and let the man speak," says Felix. "So? Who is she? What's her name? What does she look like?"
I fiddle with my pen, feeling awkward under their scrutiny. "Um… her name is Bella."
"Bella? Nice," says Amun, giving Randall a high five. I roll my eyes at their ridiculousness.
"Where did you meet?" asks Felix.
"We've known each other for a long time," I reply. They look totally unimpressed by my lame explanation. The three of them wait for more and I sigh when I realize I'm going to have to give them something if I ever want to get any studying done. "We dated through out undergrad, but then she um… moved away. But she recently returned."
"So you're rekindling your romance," says Randall, waggling his eyebrows.
"Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. It's complicated," I stutter.
"Damn, you really like her," observes Amun.
"Yes," I admit. "I really like her."
"When do we get to meet the luck lady?" asks Randall.
"Well, I'd have to say at the spring formal," I reply with a smile. I find I'm looking forward to the yearly dance for the first time.
March 19, 2011
"We're going to be late," Tia complains. "Our reservation is at seven."
"Bella just texted me. She is less than five minutes away," I say, trying not to lose patience with my friend. This will be the first interaction between her and Bella since Christmas break. I hope they can both be cordial. "It's not her fault the bus is running late."
The seven of us stand on the 16th Street Mall, waiting for Bella to arrive via bus. All the boys managed to get dates, asking out Tia and her girlfriends from our program.
"Perhaps she should have taken an earlier bus then," snaps Tia. I sigh and focus on the street, impatiently waiting. In the months since Tia found out about Bella, our relationship has gone back to normal on the whole. There is some lingering tension, but for the most part everything is status quo. That's why I'm so disappointed that Tia is being so rude. But maybe she is just irritated that I am not taking her and she is forced to attend with Randall.
"There's the bus. Calm down, T," says Amun.
"Tia, you look cold. Here, let me keep you warm," Randall offers to put his arm around Tia and she scowls at me.
Bella is the first one off the bus and sprints towards me. I haven't seen her in almost a month. School and work have kept me busy while most of her time has been occupied trying to get published in various literary magazines. .
Her excitement to see me matches mine to see her.
She slams into me with enough force to have me staggering back several feet. Her arms latch around my neck while the high-heeled shoes she holds in her hands clonk me in the side of the head, but I barely notice. I wrap my arms around her, lifting her off the ground.
Bella giggles and rains kisses down on my face. "I missed you, I missed you, I missed you," she says between kissing my cheeks, nose, and eyelids.
"Hey, stay still," I reply through a laugh of my own. She stops wiggling, smiling down at me and giving me the opportunity to kiss her soundly on the lips. When the urge to take the kiss deeper becomes too strong, I set her down.
It is only then that I realize I probably shouldn't have done that being as we are just friends. I think. This is all slightly more confusing than I anticipated.
"Hi," she says, beaming up at me.
"Hi," I reply, tucking a curly strand of flyaway hair behind her ear. I glance down, taking in her dress underneath her leather bomber jacket for the first time. She wears a tight purple and grey number that stops mid-thigh. The strips of fabric seem to wrap around her frame and straps crisscross form the bodice, forming an intricate pattern, almost like bandages. She looks so hot I forget how to form words. "Uh…."
I'm not sure is I want to show her off or hide her away from all eyes but my own.
"Yeah, I know. I look incredibly hot. Your sister is a miracle worker," she says, smirking up at me. Bella's eye make up is smoky and her cheeks are flushed.
"You certainly do," I murmur, still little stunned by her appearance. Her artfully wild hair, dark make up, and killer dress make her look dangerous and exotic and so damn fuckable.
It has been seventy-eight days since we last had sex. Almost exactly to the hour.
"Yo, Cullen," she says, smacking me lightly in the arm. "You gonna stand there gawking at me all night or are you gonna introduce me to your peeps?"
"Peeps? Huh?" I say, momentarily forgetting about my peers loitering behind me. "Oh! Right. Bella," I say, turning to face everyone and draping my arm around her shoulder. I make all the introductions, and all of my classmates gape at Bella in shock. She does look a lot different from the usual academic types. They are probably wondering why she wants to be with me. I wonder all the time.
"Sup," says Bella, giving everyone the head nod. "Hey, Tia. How are you?"
I am amazed new Bella is making an effort to be cordial. The old Bella would never have done such a thing.
"I'm fine, Bella. Why aren't you wearing shoes?" Tia asks.
Bella glances down at her feet and then back up at Tia. "I'm not very good at walking in heels," she explains, maintaining her balance with a hand on my arm to slip on her giant heels. I wonder what inspired her to wear actual fancy shoes instead of her usual Converse. I find I miss them.
"Then why are you wearing them?" Tia asks. I scowl at her in silent reminder to be nice.
"Just wanted to get a little closer to this one's face," she explains, biting her lip and smiling up at me. I blush as my peers continue to gape.
"I see," says Tia.
"Don't we have reservations?" Bella asks, glancing up at me.
"Ah, yes," I say. "Let's go."
An hour and several rounds of drinks later I'm doing my very best to not get pissed at my grad school friends. Amun, Felix, and Randall are fawning over Bella. Their unnecessary attention is making Bella uncomfortable and the making the neglected girls resent Bella.
"So Bella, Edward said you moved after graduation," says Felix. "Where did you live?"
"Moved?" she asks, eyes narrowing in confusion. She looks at me and I just shrug. I don't want my friends judging Bella by her past. "Ah… well I was in Florida for awhile."
Tia snorts into her fruity looking cocktail. It is her fourth of the evening, and I regard her warily. Tia is a three drink drunk, and typically limits herself to one glass of wine with dinner. Stressed by the combination of my flirtatious male friends and a hostile Tia, I find myself drinking more than I planned as well. Bella is the only one conducting herself in an appropriate manner, and I find her composure stunning and entrancing. This night, as well as how well she handled the nomads, is really making me see that Bella has changed. And I like it.
"Something wrong with Florida, Tia?" asks Amun. "Because Miami just so happens to be my homeland."
Tia just shakes her head and giggles into her drink.
"I lived in Miami for awhile," Bella continues, doing a much better job ignoring Tia than I am. "Great town. I love Cubam food. Dude," she says, turning to me now. "Have you ever had Cuban food? We have to get you some. You'll fucking die."
I smile at her and rest my hand against her bare thigh. She pushes her hand through my hair before one of my so called friends engages her on a new topic I have no interest in. I am starting to think that this whole evening is a terrible idea. I should have just stayed away from the group thing, but Bella wanted to meet my friends.
And now they are all jockeying for her attention and trying to impress her. Lovely.
Her legs are so damn smooth. This is going to be the longest evening of my life.
"So, Bella," says Randall, his voice smooth and smarmy. I now understand why it has been so long since he has enjoyed female company. "What are you doing with this dweeb? You could have any macho man you want. Me for example."
Bella narrows her eyes at my study partner, and I brace myself for the emergence of mama bear. But then she takes a deep breath, sending me a small smile. "He's more than enough macho for me," she murmurs.
After getting in a fight with Bella over the check that I eventually won, we set out towards the hotel ballroom where the dance is being held. We hang back behind the rest of our group while Bella whisper-yells what she really wanted to say to Randall.
"First, I wanted to call him on his horseshit and declare that we should just go fuck in the bathroom." There is a lot of glaring on my part now and Bella chuckles darkly, grabbing my hand. "It would have been hilarious to see him flip about that one. And then I wanted to go on a rant about how the fuck much of a macho man you really are. But you obviously haven't shared much of yourself with these dudes so I figured you wouldn't like me spouting off that list."
I smile at her anger because as much as she has changed, she's still Bella. I've always admired her toughness, passion, and candor. I'm glad it's still there.
"That's fine, love," I say with a smile. "There is not a lot you could say for that one. I'm not a macho man, although neither is Randall."
Bella stops abruptly, yanking me next to her and I blink down at her in shock. "What?" I demand, totally confused.
"You don't think you're a macho man?" she demands incredulously.
"Come on, Bella," I says with a sigh. "We've had this fight before."
"This isn't a fight," she snaps. I hold back a chuckle because if I laugh at her now, it really will be a fight. "I just… want you to see you how I see you. You are… everything to me, Edward. You always have been. I could list your obvious manly qualities, like your thighs and your protectiveness and such. But the biggest thing that makes you such a good man? The fact that I'm here with you right now."
"But you were the one that came back. I—"
"No," she says, grabbing my jaw and looking at me in earnest. "You are giving us a second chance which is more than I ever even should have hoped for. And the way you are doing it with such grace. You could torture me. You could make me feel like shit. You could punish me for leaving with snide comments and vengeful actions. But you don't. You are so good to me, Edward. And I want to be the kind of person that deserves you. I—"
She turns a little green and stops talking immediately. My heart has been flying out of my chest since the beginning of her little speech. We are having quite the moment here.
"You what?" I whisper, my eyes never leaving hers. I don't even blink for fear I might miss something in her intense gaze.
"I—" Again she stops before throwing her arms around my neck. "I'm so glad I'm here with you right now."
I try not to be disappointed. Apparently this is not the right time for this conversation.
"Me too," I assure her, kissing her temple. Bella pulls away after another moment, shakes out her limbs, and sighs before turning to grin at me again.
"Come on," she says, grabbing my hand and marching us down the street once more. "You promised to take me to a dance. I've never been to one before, don't yah know."
So dance we do, well into the wee hours. When we get home Bella shares my bed. I putter in the bathroom for an obscene amount of time to avoid the temptation of sinking into her beautiful body. I can't decide if I'm horribly disappointed or entirely relieved to find her asleep by the time I emerge. But then she settles her head on my chest when I slip under the covers, and all I feel is contentment.
March, 30 2011
I love him.
Are the words really that difficult to say? I can think them now without to much difficulty but the last time I saw Edward, I chickened out like the fucking whiney bitch I am. Seriously, I was on the brink of saying it and then I just… could. I don't know what happened.
I justified my cowardice by telling myself the moment wasn't right. That the situation was not perfect. Which is, of course, a crock of horseshit. But I will not give myself another excuse to wimp and thus will have to plan the perfect moment. I have no fucking idea what the perfect moment looks like – roses and a fancy diner? I thought I would have two more days to figure it out till Edward arrived for the weekend, but motherfucker had a cancelled class and has surprised me at work.
Jerk.
I love him.
It's still awkward, to even admit to that in my own head, but I know it's true. Truthfully, I've always loved him. I'm finally done fighting it.
I blush like a motherfucking beet every time and feel like I may pass out.
I want to tell Edward. The last few weeks, I feel the words on my tongue, but I chicken out.
Today, Edward is studying at a secluded table in the Laughing Goat. It's near closing, and I know that despite the cold Edward will sit on a bench and wait to walk me home while I shut up the coffee house for the night. The shop is still quite full, even though we are closing soon, there is a blizzard raging on outside, and it's a Friday night.
Stupid bipolar Colorado weather. It was in the sixties when I left for my shift.
Edward is so focused on what he's reading. I've always enjoyed watching him study. I like the way he bends over the book, taps his highlighter against the pages, while his mouth moves soundlessly with what he's reading. Edward absorbs information like a sponge, and it's enthralling to watch.
"Who is that?" the new girl, Molly, demands. She nods towards my love, giving him that look of pure female appreciation. I'm used to this, and though I do get jealous and possessive, mostly I feel proud because he is here for me. Although technically, we aren't together, something I'm trying to change.
"Edward," I say, blushing and smiling as I wipe the counter.
"God, he is so hot!" she says, fanning her face. "Is he your boyfriend? Or is he single?"
Despite my irritation, I can't help but see her point. He looks especially sexy today in a pair of dark brown cords and green hooded sweatshirt. It brings out his eyes.
"Definitely not single," I say, not even bothering to look at my co-worker.
"So are you dating?" she asks again.
"Not technically…" I answer.
"Oh, there is a story there," Molly says, propping her hip up against he counter. "Do tell."
"He's just… my Edward," I reply before running away to clean customer tables as a means of escape.
I wipe the empty tables, making my way to Edward and focusing on how wonderful he is. He's given me everything, so many chances. I want things to be different this time, and I'm pretty sure they already are.
I love him. And I want him to know.
"Edward?" I say when I get to the table right next to his. My hand moves in a circular pattern as I clean, but my eyes are focused on his face. I wonder is if he notices the quiver in my voice.
Am I really about to do this?
"Yes, sweetheart?" He doesn't even look up at me, but I know he's listening. He's a very good listener. And multitasker.
Warmth blooms in my chest just looking at him, and all of a sudden I feel like I can't not say it.
"I love you." My hands don't even shake as the words come out of my mouth to him for the very first time, but I can't bear to look at him so I stare at the now clean table top and keep needlessly wiping.
I can feel Edward's eyes on me, and for a moment it is all too much. I turn abruptly, set on stalking away to get a relief for the excess of emotion, but it doesn't feel right. No more avoidance, I remind myself. I turn back towards Edward. He is gaping at me, his expression half elated, half shocked.
I take a big breath to calm the nausea raging in my tummy and decide not to run away. Walking fast and reaching Edward before I can change my mind, I cradle his jaw in my hands as he gazes up at me in awe.
God, this look on his face. It's a variation on one I've seen before but so much more powerful. I'll do anything to keep this look on his face as often as possible.
He knows I've felt this way about him all along, but my confirmation makes him so obviously happy, I wonder why I couldn't manage to say it sooner. It's so simple really, easy as breathing.
"Always have," I whisper as I lower my lips to his. "Always will."
This kiss is slow and tender and over too quickly, but my heart explodes in my chest anyway. All too soon, I move on to wiping down the next table. Edward doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to because I finally understand what he's been trying to tell me for years.
I love him and he loves me.
I'm completely unsurprised to find Edward in the small Beat Bookshop next to the Laughing Goat after I get off work.
The proprietor, Pat, is a crazy old hippy and holds the oddest hours. He dresses as if the 60s never ended and probably only washes his long, white hair once every two weeks. Pat has known Edward and I since freshmen year, and would probably consider us friends.
Pat is rambling about existentialism as I enter. The shopkeeper sits cross-legged on the glass countertop beside the cash register as Edward leans against a nearby bookshelf. I quickly make my way to Edward side, easily slipping under his arm when I reach him.
Edward hugs me close and kisses my temple as Pat abruptly stops his intellectual lecture.
"Well, Miss Swan," he says, raising an eyebrow at me. "You are looking lovely as usual."
Pat has always had a thing for me. It used to drive Edward crazy, which is ridiculous. Like I would ever choose a lecherous old man over Edward.
Like I would ever choose anyone over Edward.
"Ditto, Pat," I respond with a wink. "I'm diggin' that furry vest."
"Really?" he asks, looking down at the article of clothing. "Would you like it?"
He moves to take it off and I giggle. "No, Pat," I say. "It looks too good on you."
"Tonight you are looking shockingly like a young Faye Dunaway. But I'm sure you get that all this time." I have no idea who he is talking about, but he compared me to many a famous lady, none I resemble in the slightest. I've really lost patience with this conversation. I just need to be alone with Edward. "Anyway, when are you two trying the knot?"
My mouth falls open and my whole body tenses. Holy facking shat! It took me six years to work up the courage to admit that I love the guy. I'm nowhere near ready for marriage.
Edward chuckles at my discomfort and wraps an arm around my head. "We're not quite there yet, Pat."
"So you are a couple," Pat remarks, scratching his bearded chin. "I've always wondered."
"She loves me," Edward says with a smirk as I blush furiously and half-heartedly punch him in the shoulder.
"Obviously," Pat says. "Just as you love her. Now get the fuck out of my shop. All the love is grossing me out."
We wave our goodbyes, and walk down the snowy street hand and hand.
I don't know how to broach this whole love subject, and I am a little bit pissed at Edward for not bringing it up. But Edward can't seem to stop beaming, so that's comforting.
"Pat's gotten crazier," I say as we make our way home in the cold. I don't mind though because Edward is keeping me warm. "I probably should have taken that smelly vest, to seduce you tonight, of course."
I expect him to laugh, but instead he stops and pulls my around to face him.
"Isabella," he croons, grabbing the earflaps of my hat to tilt my face to his. The intensity of the love I see there causes an explosion of the shivers, but also stirs something deeper.
He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
Or at least I think he does. Why the fuck won't he just say it back? It sucks to not hear it back, and I suddenly feel horribly guilty for how I treated him in the past.
"Nothing you could wear would make you less seductive to me. Especially tonight," he continues, gazing at me with that look of wonder that seems reserved just for me.
"Cause I finally told you what you've known all along?" I ask, my breath catching in my throat as I stare into his perfect green eyes.
"Yes," he says with a smile. "It's good to know I didn't make it all up in my head. When you left, you made me felt like a clinically insane idiot."
"I'm so sorry, baby," I say in earnest. I'll never be able to apologize enough for what I did to him. "Thank you so much for never losing faith… in me. In us."
"We don't need to talk about that tonight, love," he says. "The past is in the past."
My heart does funny things in my chest as he smiles down at me with misty eyes, and I like the way the snow swirls around his head. Edward never gets cold and he wears only his hoodie with a puffy vest over it. I hope his hands don't freeze as they hold my hat.
"Are you going to say it again?" he asks after a moment.
"Are you going to say it back this time?" I tease.
"Guess you are just going to have to say it first and find out."
I take a big breath.
"I love you, Edward Cullen," I say, grinning widely. He seems a bit surprised that I complied to his wishes so quickly. I grin back, pleased with myself because each time the words leave my lips, it gets a little easier and my reasons for waiting so long to admit it get a little stupider. It feels so good, letting go of all that irrational fear.
Instead of a spoken reply, Edward uses the earflaps of my hat to pull me in for a searing kiss. He sets me on fire and causes the shivers to explode at the same time. It's been so obscenely long, I'm pretty much ready to mount him right there. We pour everything into that kiss, the love and pain, the fear, sorrow, and joy. I've never felt this connected to anyone. Ever.
He loves me. And I love him. We are actually going to work. The knowledge that everything is going to be okay makes the kiss that much better than any we're ever shared.
Our moment is interrupted by a pair of drunk college kids. I blush as they leer at me, and Edward pulls me protectively to his chest. I've never felt safe like I feel with Edward either.
"Dude, she's hot!" one of them says.
"Get some!" The second tries to give Edward a high-five, but my love just glares at them till they leave.
"And that's the reason I don't let you walk home alone," he mutters. I don't like his frown and he needs to get the happy back.
"The only reason?" I ask, wrapping my arms around his chest, under his puffy vest.
He smiles down at me and shrugs while I go on my tiptoes to get back to his mouth.
"It may also have something to do with all this love I feel for you," Edward replies with a grin.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," I murmured against his lips.
"As I love you," he replies. My heart flops around in my chest. It's the kinda thing that used to have me running for the hills, but now I embrace the feeling. And for once I believe him. "I love you, Isabella Marie."
He kisses me again, and I feel his smile against my lips. He pulls me closer so my feet dangle inches off the ground, and I begin to laugh because everything is just too perfect. Edward kisses my neck, and spins us in a circle as I continue to giggle. The moment and the snow and the love makes me feel like we're residing in some sappy ass romantic comedy I hate.
But I sure as fuck don't hate this.
"What is so funny, Isabella?" he asks, setting me back down in the snow but still keeping his arms around my waist.
"I'm just really happy," I admit, burying my face in his chest to hide my blush.
"I love the way you bite your lip when you are thinking. Or concerned. Or horny."
"I love the way your lips move along with what you are silently reading. It makes me want them on my skin."
"I love the way you cuss like a sailor."
"I love the way you use big words."
"I love the way you use big words."
This has been the state of things for the hours since we arrived home from The Laughing Goat. Declarations of love followed by rather furious sex. Now, Edward and I lay facing each other, a sheet draped over our lower tangled-together limbs. We hold hands between our naked bodies as we stare into each other's eyes, and I don't think I've ever been this happy. Ever.
Even if it is fucking puke worthy in its cheesiness.
"I love this triangle of moles on your breast," Edward continues because I'm grinning too much to speak.
"They are not moles," I huff, glancing down at my naked chest. "Those are totally freckles."
"Rather large for freckles, love," Edward replies with a chuckle. "I love the way your nose gets all scrunched up when your pissed at me but not actually pissed at me."
He is so damn cute I can't help but continue this little game.
"I love the way you look in a sweater. Or a sweater vest."
"I love the way you look in your underwear."
"I love the way you look naked."
He smirks at me now and kisses my nose, indicating that I've won this round.
"I love every little thing about you, Isabella Marie," he confesses. "Always have, always will."
His words please me endlessly, but I am still new to all this feeling ones feelings shit. The enormity of it all still scares me, and I find myself embarrassed and needing to lighten all the heavy happening in here.
"We are nauseating," I scoff, burying my flaming face in his shoulder. "We are one of those sicken happy couples. Gah, we can never do this around people!"
"Speaking of people," Edward says, lifting his head and glancing towards the door. "Why is it so quiet? This house is typically full of fools."
"Emmett has some sort of fancy corporate dinner. Jazz and Alice have something at the high school. They aren't expecting you till Saturday," I explain, reveling in the feeling of his lips against my forehead. Part of me can't really believe we're here. Finally. Thank God.
"Guess that means we don't have to leave this room for two days, huh?" he whispers in my ear, rolling slightly so I find myself under him. I don't even have time to agree before he kisses me again. I feel him hard against my thigh as his tongue dances with mine. My feet settle on the back of his calves, and I like the way his soft hair feels against my toes.
Dragging one hand down his chest and fisting the other in the hair at the back of his head, I palm the smooth head of the wonder cock and smirk to myself when he groans. I love how familiar and good all this feels.
"I love that old age hasn't slowed your speedy recovery time," I tease, nibbling on his earlobe. But then his fingers find me wet and ready and I all my amusement fades. Instead I'm gasping and writhing beneath him.
"I love the way your nipples feel in my mouth." His words are muffles. Probably because my nipple is in his mouth. I whimper as his tongue and finger move in tandem, causing my grip to tighten on his soft bronze locks.
"I love how you tug on my hair when I make you feel good," he continues. I find his speech a little miraculous because I've lost the ability to form words. Again. "I love how you smell."
And then he is inside me, completely filling me up. Edward pauses, just gazing down at me as if he needs a moment to adjust to actually being here with me. I trace my thumbs over his cheekbones because I need to make sure he is really here too. When he finally starts to move with a slow, steady roll of the hips, I meet each thrust and keep my gaze locked with his.
"I love..." I attempt to continue our cheesy little game, but heat is coiling in my belly and sensation takes over my brain. "I love the..." I try again, maybe attempting to complement the look on his face or the way his movements have become more frantic as we near the finish line. "I love..." He reaches down to touch where we are connected and I lose it. "YOU! I love you."
As I tremble beneath him, Edward lets out a deep groan and mumbles something incomprehensible, probably returning my sentiment although it is difficult to say for sure. After a moment he collapses forward, his head finding my neck. Immediately I wrap all my limbs around him, one hand finding his hair while the other strokes his back. We hold each other tightly as we both shake, and I don't give a fuck if he is a wee bit too heavy.
"I love you," he says, planting a sloppy kiss against my jaw.
I fall asleep smiling.
I wake up in the half light of dawn, and it takes me a minute to figure out why I feel so warm and content. But then I realize that a very naked man is pressed up against my back. His fingers are gently coaxing my nipples into hard little nubs. This is what probably what roused in from sleep.
More like aroused. Ha.
I turn in his arms because I don't like not being able to see him, especially tonight. He smiles at me lovingly, one hand moving to run up and down the length of my spine while the other rests against my neck. The way he looks at me makes me dizzy.
"Sorry," Edward murmurs, leaning closer to nibble on my ear. "Didn't mean to wake you."
I giggle at this because he so totally did. "Bullshit! You were fondling my breasts! Of course you meant to fucking wake me."
"I can't believe you said breasts," he says, laughing at me now. "I love your breasts."
"Tits really is much sexier," I mutter. This happy, gooey with love version of myself is kinda freaking me out but I can deal because Edward is right here. He loves me back.
"You aren't going anywhere, are you?" I ask, suddenly feeling insecure again. Edward looks at me with a sad little smile.
"No, Isabella," he says, with conviction. "I was always right here, and I always will be." It makes me love him so much more, that he doesn't throw my departure in my face.
I roll on top of him, laying my naked chest over his. We kiss as we hold each other, but as things progress he cradles my jaw to prevent me from moving.
"You're not going anywhere, are you?" he whispers, his eyes pleading with me. Edward is the insecure one now.
"No," I reply with conviction that mirrors his. "I'm right where I want and need to be."
We go back to proving the validity of our words with our bodies.
"Oohhh," I moan, closing my eyes and throwing my head back. "Oh, baby, please…"
Edward increases the pressure of his tongue on my clit and adds another finger. They curl forward slightly, causing my back to arch off the bed and my fingers to weave through his hair. I glance down, wanting to see him but my view is blocked by a puffy down comforter that is totally covering him.
And I'm close. Really, really close. My toes curl, my stomach muscles tighten, and my heart is hammering out of my chest.
Edward let out a deep groan that seems to run through my body and has my hips bucking off the bed frantically. His fingers dig into my hips as he pulls me as close as possible, and I throw my head back into the pillows.
I close my eyes again, just about there when Alice and Rose slam into the room, arguing about something.
Instant boner killer.
Edward stops his movements, and I bite my lip to hold back my growl of frustration. I do, however, pound the mattress a little and curse my friends in my head. Edward lets out a low chuckle at my antics, and I resist the urge punch him.
Although, I suppose we are lucky this didn't happen earlier. Edward and I have been in this room for the last 24-hours unnoticed. It is kinda a miracle. On a side note, I'm fucking hungry as shit. We snuck downstairs, naked, in the middle last night for snacks, but that was over twelve hours ago.
"I think we should go to Salt. There are more drink options," snaps Rose.
"But think of all the crap they put on those fries at Centro," replies Alice.
"We are going out tonight to get hammered, not eat junk food," says Rose.
"But it's happy hour! Eating is totally expectable at happy hour," Alice counters.
The two shove each other, both trying to enter the room first. They are so distracted by their bickering that I have time to make sure we're sufficiently covered. Edward is covered right down to the tips of his toes, and it looks like I'm in bed alone, sitting up against the headboard with the blanket tucked under my armpits.
"Bella will break the tie," Alice says as they both finally get into my room. "So, where shall we be going for happy hour? Salt or Centro?"
They both turn to look at me at the same time.
Its really hard work to keep my face pleasant, innocent, and you know… not lookin' like I was about to come in my beautiful boy's mouth.
"Well?" demands Alice, crossing her arms over her chest as she glares at me.
"I don't care," I reply, my chest still rising and falling rapidly.
Edward moves his head slightly on my lower abdomen, and I tug on his hair, a silent reminder to keep quite. We still haven't made anything official, and as far as Alice and Rose are concerned, we are still just friends.
"Just fucking choose," shouts Rosalie, stomping her foot and huffing in frustration.
"What are we even talking about?" I ask, my head still pretty fuzzy.
"Drinks, tonight?" Alice says. They are both scowling at me, and I really, really just want them to leave.
"Yeah, I don't care. Why don't you continue this argument downstairs and I'll—"
"Why do you always have to be like this, Bella?" yells Rosalie. "So fucking indecisive."
"You are the one with terrible taste in appetizers," snaps Alice. The pair starts to argue again, seeming to forget that I'm there at all.
Edward nuzzles into my crotch, his hands once again tightening on my hips. His tongue darts out to tease me, shocking the shit out of me. I yank on his hair and bite my lip to stifle a whimper.
With his twin in the room. What a naughty boy!
"Bella?" Alice says, interrupting Rose's mid rant. "Are you okay?"
"Huh?" I reply intelligently. "Oh, yeah. Suuuper."
My voice is a wee bit breathless and my cheeks are flushed. Edward licks me again, and I stifle a moan as my limbs start to shake.
"Where is your shirt, young lady?" she asks, eyes narrowing in suspicion.
I shrug in response.
"Holy, fuck," says Rose. "What is wrong with your face? Why are you breathing so heavily?"
"I'm not!" I defend. Except my voice is still wheezy and Edward chooses this moment to gently suck on my clit, so basically all their suspicions are confirmed. They freak the fuck out after that.
"You have a man in here, don't you?" Alice says, her voice low and dangerous. "Bella, whose man clothes are these?"
"Oh, fuck no," says Rosalie before looking under the bed and in the closet. I roll my eyes at her ridiculousness.
I'm all little offended by their assumption that I would be fucking some random at this point in my life. Its moments like this that make me realize just how far I still have to go for that redemption I'm working for.
Alice slaps a palm down on the bed, whacking Edward's calf.
"Ow," he mumbles.
"What the fuck, Bella!" Rose yells, removing herself from the empty closet. "Sorry, dude. But she is totally in love with someone else, despite being a whore!"
Alice doesn't speak, but a smile slowly spreads on her face. She knows what's up, and now I'm a little amused by Rose's freak out.
"Hey!" Edward shouts, popping up from under the blanket while making an effort to keep me all covered up. "Don't call her that!"
"Oh fuck," Rosalie mutters, her eyes going wide with shock.
Alice and I giggle, somewhat hysterically, at the look on her face.
"Hey, little twin," Alice says, looking slightly bashful now.
"Hello, Alice," Edward replies, blushing as he crawls up to sit next to me. He hides his face in my neck, and I stroke his hair as I glare at Rosalie.
"Who the fuck did you think it would be?" I ask her.
"Um, weren't you supposed to be in Denver till tomorrow, Edward?" Rosalie demands, trying to sound tough but really just failing.
"Change of plans," mumbles Edward into my neck. I giggle as his breath tickles me.
"So you two are…" Rose says, gesturing between the two of us.
We nod slowly. It's very rare to see Rose flustered, and I'm really enjoying it.
"And we just…"
"Yup," I say. "Thanks for that, you filthy cockblockers."
"Well, this is awkward," declares Rosalie, inching toward the door.
"A bit, yes," Alice says, mimicking Rose's retreat. "Hey, little twin, where do you want to go for drinks tonight?"
"Get the hell out, Alice!" Edward demands. Alice puts her hands up in surrender, exiting with Rose, and closing the door behind her.
"Emmett!" we hear Rosalie bellow from the hall. "Edward and Bella are fucking again!"
"Were they ever not fucking?" Emmett booms in reply.
"You are such a moron, Emmett Cullen!"
We stay still until the voice of these fools I continue to live with drift downstairs.
"I'm hungry," declares Edward, making no move to detangle himself from my body.
"Yeah? Well I'm horny," I say. Except the little interlude with our friends really made me lose it. Fucking cockblockers. Not that Edward will have any problem getting me back there.
"Right!" he says, sitting up and shuffling down. "One orgasm coming up!" He stops moving to shoot me a crooked grin. "Get it, love? It's a pun."
I giggle for a moment as he moves again. But before he can reach his destination, I grab his face and pull him back so we are laying facing each other.
"No orgasm?" he asks, raising an eyebrow in confusion.
I shake my head, trying to put my ridiculous thoughts into words. "Did you hear Rosalie tell Emmett that we are fucking again?"
Edward snorts and rolls his eyes. "All of Goss Grove heard Rosalie tell Emmett we are fucking again. We wouldn't want to make a liar out of them so let's—"
"Wait," I say, latching on to his face again to keep him next to me. "Do you think they think we are just fucking?"
"Bella," he says, sighing with exasperation. "You honestly don't expect me to have some great insight into the inter-workings of the insane minds of my neanderthal brother and his wicked witch of a girlfriend, do you? Shit, I would be scared for life."
Again, he tries to move and again, I restrain him. I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, and I just need a little reassurance. "Love," he says, voice and expression soft now. He strokes my face. "What's wrong?"
"Do you think we are just fucking?" I whisper, feeling like a total idiot that I'm still so scared that he isn't serious about us.
"No, of course not," he replies. Although his words appease me, but they aren't enough all of sudden. "Is that what has you so flustered?" he asks with a laugh.
"Will you be my boyfriend?" I blurt suddenly even as Edward continues to chuckle.
He gapes at me in surprise for a moment, before his face contorts into a frown. Yeah, definitely not the reaction I was expecting.
"That's cool, if it's too soon to be declaring anything or if you want to take it slow I completely understand. I made you wait years, and I've only had to wait four months so that's cool. I don't mind waiting. I'd wait forever for you—"
Edward interrupts me mid ramble by covering my mouth with his palm. Bless him. I sounded like an idiot.
"No," he says, chuckling at me softly. "I was just under than impression that we were more serious than that. Boyfriend doesn't seem to cover it."
I laugh loudly in relief before snuggling closer to him. Finally, I start to feel secure in our relationship. I didn't forever damage it. We are going to come out of my fuck ups stronger. "What would you prefer I introduce you as? Everyone, this is Edward Cullen my soul mate."
Blushing slightly, he grins at me.
"Or maybe my man? Love of my life, fire of my loins?"
"Are you really quoting Lolita at me, Isabella?" he asks, shaking his head slightly. "Pedophilia is so romantic."
"Shut up!" I say, punching him in the shoulder. "You know its so much more than that. Nabokov is a genius. And for another thing—"
Edward kisses me quickly, making me forget all about the literary rant about to burst forth from my lips. He pulls away only after I'm sufficiently dazzled.
"I'll be your boyfriend," he says, smiling. "If you'll be my girlfriend."
"Deal."
How long did it take you to say I love you? Bella's pretty silly huh?
Not what a lot of people expected, I'm thinking, but these to always do their own thing.
Thank you.