Hi there!
I could gush for hours about all the reviews and recommendations and new readers and such, but I think you all would rather me just get on with the next chapter so I'll just say THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.
This chapter got away from me. It was supposed to me two quick scenes but things kinda got out of control. It was going to be a brief little thing before Em and Ro's wedding. Oh well. I like the way it turned out tho, let me know if you agree.
This is going to be the last post for a good long while. I'm going to be in Chile (as in SOUTH AMERICA!)until the beginning of August. I'll be far to distracted and computerless to update or write.
Since these scenes turned in to their very own chappie, I think there is going to be two more chapters (the next one pretty short) plus an epi. I think. But really, who the fuck knows?
Enjoy.
June 30, 2011
"I can't believe you're so nervous," I say with a chuckle, holding Bella's hand as we enter DIA through a sliding glass door.
"I'm not fucking nervous," she snaps, scowling at me. Even though I've upset her, she makes no move to remove her hand from mine. "I don't get fucking nervous."
"You're palms are sweaty," I point out, bringing her hand to my lips and giving her knuckles a lingering kiss when she attempts to pull away.
Bella looks like she is going to argue for a moment before her face falls and she lets out a big sigh, snuggling into my side. I lay my arm over her shoulders and try not to be to amused. But I can't help but find her vulnerability endearing, even in its ridiculous.
"They hate me," she mutters, hiding her face in my chest. We stop walking, and I lean up against a railing, facing the area where the train will arrive from the terminal.
"They don't hate you," I reply, tilting her face towards mine with a finger on her chin. I see panic in her big brown eyes, and all I want to do is protect her from any hurt. "They kept your secret, didn't they?"
I get a little pissed at the thought. My mother and I have yet to discuss the fact that she lied to me since last fall and failed to mention that Bella was living in Forks. Whenever I talk to Esme on the phone, she somehow manages to maneuver around my questions. But now she and my father are flying in to help with the wedding. They will be staying for over a month, and I plan on finally having this conversation with my mother.
"What would you have done?" Bella asks, pulling me away from my negative thoughts towards my mom. "If she told you where I was? Would you have come after me?"
"I don't know," I reply with a shrug. My eyes go back to the place where my parents will emerge at any moment. "I haven't really thought about it."
This is a lie, but for whatever reason I don't really want to tell Bella that I would have been on a plane in a matter of hours if I knew where she was. It seems pathetic. A lot about how I acted in the past seems pathetic, but I can't bring myself to totally regret anything because Bella is here with me now.
Still, I've thought through the what ifs. I would have come to her immediately. She wasn't ready then, and the result could have ruined us.
"Bullshit," she says, punching my arm half heartedly. "You think about everything. All you do is analyze the shit out of shit."
The girl really knows me far too well.
"I would have come after you," I confess, running a hand through my hair. "In a damn heart beat. I don't know if it would've been to demand answers or to try to get you back, but I would have been in Washington the very day I found out you were there."
Bella comes to stand in between my legs, offering me a sad little smile. She cradles my jaw and kisses me slowly. Even now her proximity has my heart shuddering in my chest.
"Than she did the right thing," Bella says, lacing our fingers together. "I'm glad she didn't tell you because I wasn't ready."
"I know," I say. This time I mean it.
"I needed to figure it out on my own," she continues.
"Figure what out?"
"Figure out that you are it for me," she says with that blush that has become more frequent since she started admitting her feelings. "I had to face a lot of demons so it took a while, but I needed to figure out on my own that we are meant to be."
"Meant to be, huh?" I say, pulling her closer by drawing her hands up and placing them on the back of my neck. My arms circle her waist.
"Shit," she says with a groan. "I sound like such a fucking chick. A mushy ball of goo. I don't know why you put up with me."
I like that she doesn't take back her earlier statement.
"I like you a mushy ball of goo," I whisper in her ear. She trembles slightly. My proximity affects her as much as hers affects me. "I like you nervous to see my parents. I like you finally admitting that forever for us in inevitable."
"Aw shucks." She hides against my neck again. This is her new phrase that indicates to me that she has pretty reached capacity on the lovey dovey stuff. I beam and kiss her forehead.
"I love you," I tell her. God, I love saying it. I love that she lets me. I love that she believes me. I love that she loves me back.
"Thank all the various deities for that," she replies. "Suriously. Don't know what I would do if you ever stopped."
"That is one thing you won't have to worry about," I reply with a chuckle. "Not even your abrupt little departure managed to change that."
I was hoping to make her smile, but instead Bella grimaces and looks very upset. Shit, I didn't mean to make her feel bad.
"Bella—" I start. But of course this is the moment that my parents emerge, waving excitedly, calling my name, and rushing towards us. Bella shakes her head and gives me a small smile before turning to face my parents and putting space between us.
I suppose I'll have to figure out how to fix that later.
"Edward!" Mom shouts, throwing her arms around my neck. I return her hug and lift her off the ground because I know she likes that. I set her down and move to greet my dad before she can start fussing with me.
"Hey, Dad," I say, giving him a manly hug complete with back slaps. "How was the flight?"
"Oh fine," Carlisle says with a sigh. "Your mother made about six friends. I don't know why she insists on bonding with strangers she will never see again."
"Excuse your father, Edward dear," my mom says, patting unnecessarily at my freshly ironed collar. "He's gotten all grumpy in his old age."
"Who are you calling old?" Dad replies with a laugh. "Grandma."
At the mention of Alice's pregnancy, Esme forgets to even fake anger at my dad. She even gets a little teary eyed before she notices Bella, loitering almost directly behind me.
"Hello, Bella," Esme says. Her smile seems genuine. Although my mother has voiced some concern about the quick progress of our relationship, for the most part she is happy for me. Bella's honesty last fall really seems to have won my mother over.
"Hi, Mrs. Cullen," Bella says with a quiet voice and a slight smile. She is just so adorable when she is feeling shy. It seems like such a contradiction to her normally vibrantly loud candor.
I'm a little alarmed to see that the smile has disappeared from Mom's face, and she is now glaring at Bella intently. What the hell? I thought Esme was on our side, and I try to think of something to say to protect Bella from the wrath of my mother.
"I mean Esme," Bella quickly corrects. "Hi, Esme."
"That's much better," Mom says with a nod of approval. She moves to give Bella a quick hug. My girlfriend looks damn shocked, and the interaction makes me smile. "I'm glad to see you kept your promise."
"Told you I'd be back," Bella replies, smiling at me now. I grab her hand because I don't like not touching her. "Hey there, Carlisle. How goes it?"
Now my dad is hugging her. I remember that Bella used to refer to him as a "hottie." I try not to be jealous because that is just beyond ridiculous. Bella returns to my side a moment later, and I wrap my arm around her shoulders, somewhat possessively.
"It's good to see you, Bella," Dad says, smiling warmly. "Let's get going. It feels like we have been living in airports the last couple months."
My parents have been traveling throughout Europe for since Christmas. I hope Bella and I will be able to enjoy our retirement like my parents are. I'm getting ahead of myself with this desire, but I can't help it. I like being able to make plans for the future that positively include Bella.
"Do you think you'll stay in Forks for a while after the wedding?" I ask as the four of us move to the baggage claim.
My parents grin at each other, and I feel like I'm missing something.
"No, I don't see us spending a lot of time in Forks in the next couple of years," says Mom, still grinning. All the smiling is making me a little nervous.
"Right you are, dear," Dad agrees.
"What?" I ask. I don't like not understanding things and I certainly don't understand what they are trying to tell me.
"We are thinking about sticking around a little longer," replies Esme.
"What, till Alice has the baby?" asks Bella. I'm glad that she is as confused as me.
"No, I don't see us wanting to leave right after our first grandchild is born. Do you, Esme?" Carlisle says with a chuckle.
We reach the baggage claim and I've had enough of whatever little game they are playing with us. "Alright, out with it. How long are you staying?"
"Indefinitely," answers my mom with a head nod.
"Indefinitely?"
"Yes, till we damn well feel like leaving," says Dad. "That okay with you?"
"I don't particularly care if it's okay with him," muses my mom. "We have a meeting set up with a real estate agent first thing tomorrow. She is taking us to look at some amazing houses in North Boulder. I though about designing one myself, but it would take too much time. I'll just settle on decorating. I'm thinking of using western, mountainous themes. Maybe some sort of cabin motif."
My eyes bulge out slightly in my shock, and I look down at Bella. She just shrugs and giggles at my expression.
"You are moving to Boulder?" I clarify, still trying to wrap my head around the concept of having my parents so close.
"Yes, we have spent quiet enough time away from our kids. And now that you are all settling down and starting families, we can't just stay on the periphery," says Mom.
"We don't want to be absentee grandparents," puts in Dad.
Bella grins at me and I grin back.
"Fine," I say. "But, Mom, Bella might seriously kill you if you try to get me to chop off my hair every time we see you."
"Murder would put a damper on family functions," Bella adds.
"But really, Edward," my mom says, messing with the ends of my hair by my ear. "Just a little trim would do you wonders."
Bella and Carlisle really laugh at this.
"Welcome to Boulder, Cullen parents," Bella says. "I hope you're ready to join the house of fools."
That night, after dinning and celebrating my parents' impromptu move to Colorado, I find turning my brain off to be impossible. Sleep eludes me, even with naked Bella securely in my arms. Nothing particular plagues me yet I find myself thinking about everything and nothing.
I imagine what it will be like with my parents so close. Maybe this bizarre kinship between my mother and Bella will bloom into something more. Bella has never really known what its like to have a mother. Perhaps she will borrow mine. I don't mind sharing with Bella.
I indulge in a little daydream about our future. We own a house in Boulder. I spend my days at the hospital while she writes. At night we enjoy our children – in my head there are about eight of them and they all are mini Bellas – and each other.
I think about where we will be in two years when I finish med school. After that, I have my internship and residency to complete. That could take me anywhere. It is hard to not be scared that Bella might not follow me. This is her home and she is just now figuring out what she wants to do with her life. She has a new job, writing opinion pieces for an online publication that has a small yet dedicated following in the greater Boulder/Denver area. On top of that, several of her fiction pieces have been published in various literary magazines. She has the beginnings of a successful career. How could I ask her to give that up?
Although technically she can write anywhere.
I beam with pride at the person Bella is now and the person she inspires me to be too.
I seriously consider waking her up with my mouth on her, but we both have to work in the morning. Plus, she just looks so beautiful and soft in sleep I would feel too guilty waking her.
I worry about the upcoming semester, and how my extended family will treat Bella when they fly in next month for the wedding. I wonder what Alice will name her child. I go back to studying Bella's naked form. She looks so young and innocent when she sleeps.
When the temptation to wake her and my general frustration at being unable to fall asleep become too much for me to handle around three am, I get up. After slipping on a pair of soft sweats and pouring myself a tumbler of scotch, I sit on the balcony off the living room. The night in Colorado provides a much needed relief from the scorching heat of the day.
For whatever reason, being outside helps me settle. Though my brain is still working much more than I would like, my thoughts come slower. I think about the pain I put on Bella's face when I mentioned her absence today. I suppose it's too soon to joke about it. In fact, I have no desire to joke about it even if I have let it go.
I think about how wonderful things are right now with Bella, and find myself drifting.
The lights in our apartment are abruptly flicked on, and I'm startled from my half sleep. I'm not totally sure where I am.
"Edward!" Bella is shouting my name in panic, and my heart drops. I immediately conjure visions of robbers and ax murders.
"Bella?" I call back, jumping to my feet and preparing to come to my maiden's rescue. Except in my haste to get inside, I trip over a side table. Although I flap my arms for a moment in an attempt to stay upright, I go down like a sack of potatoes.
My ridiculous fall is hard enough to knock the wind out of me, and I just lay on my back for a moment, once again completely discombobulated.
Bella slides open the screen door, staring down at me in bewilderment. All I can do is blink up at her for a moment.
"What's up?" I wheeze when I finally get my breath back.
Bella looks upset. Like on the verge of tears upset. She looks emotionally beaten, not physically threatened, and her stillness at the doorway makes me think I was probably wrong with my ax murder theory.
Bella just shakes her head and continues to look at me.
"What's wrong?" I ask, sitting up off the ground and leaning back on my hands for support.
"Nothing." She is really a terrible liar. Her voice wavers, and again, I fear she might start to cry. I've come to hate it when she cries.
"Bella, love?" I try again. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," she squeaks out. "Fuck." She squeezes her eyes closed, places a hand against her heart, and leans against the doorframe. "I need a fucking cigarette."
She makes a move to disappear back inside and that just won't do.
"Bella!" My voice comes of harder and more irritated than I like, but she is really freaking me out. At my unusually harsh tone Bella stops, turning back to face me where I still sit on the floor. She gnaws on her lower lip as tears fill her eyes.
I stand, slower this time so I don't embarrass myself, and open my arms to her. "Come here," I murmur.
She obeys my command with haste and hides her face in my chest, arms squeezing my waist. Her behavior has me utterly baffled, and I move us backward to the lounge chair on which I was dozing.
I hold her against me, and she shudders in my arms, but thankfully does not cry. I kiss her temple and stroke her hair, my mind back to going a million miles a minute once again as I try to figure out what could possible have happened to upset her so in the hour since I left our bed. She was fine this evening, smiling and happy. Our lovemaking was silly, full of laughter.
What the fuck is going on?
"Bella," I say, keeping my voice low and non-threatening. "What happened, love?"
"Nothing."
"Bella…"
She lets out a big huff and then sits up, moving to face me.
"I have abandonment issues," she says, looking at her fingers in her lap instead of at me.
My eyebrows go way up. This is not what I was expecting. At all.
Even so, this is something I am well aware off. Bella, despite all of her progress, does indeed have abandonment issues.
"I know," I reply, reaching out to run my thumb over her cheek in the hope that the gesture will encourage her to look at me. It works, and I frown slightly when I see her big, sad eyes.
I don't like it when she is sad.
But then a moment later they narrow I'm met with the Bella glare. She punches me in the shoulder. Apparently, I'm in trouble.
"Where were you?" she hisses, crossing her arms over her chest.
'What do you mean?" Usually Bella and I are so in sync. But I'm having a very hard time understanding where this questioning is heading. 'I've been right here."
"Why are you out here at four in the morning?" she demands.
"I couldn't sleep," I explain.
"You couldn't sleep?" she asks with a skeptical raise of the eyebrow.
"No. I'm not sure why not. I just couldn't quiet my head," I reply.
"But you can always sleep." Bella has gone from upset to angry and now petulant.
"Usually, yes."
"Usually?"
"Yeah, I mean sometimes I can't and when that happens a change of location tends to do the trick," I say, still really confused.
"How often is usually?" Bella asks.
"I don't know," I say with a frustrated chuckle. "Bella, what's wrong?"
"So sometimes when I'm in bed with you and you can't sleep, you just leave?" she says, her voice rising in pitch and volume.
"On occasion. Bella," I plead, stilling her flapping hands. "Please. Tell what has you so upset."
"You never wake up before me," she whispers, looking away again. This drives me crazy, when she turns away from me like this. "I don't think you've ever woken up before me. When I wake up you are always there."
"You are an early riser," I agree, still not getting it.
"You woke up first," she continues.
"Well, I never actually fell asleep—"
"The point is," she interrupts, glaring at me again, "I woke up. And you weren't there."
And now I get it.
Bella has abandonment issues.
She woke up and I wasn't there.
In this moment, I realize that even though she left me, abandoned me, once before, I am no longer scared that she will disappear again.
I trust her. Maybe some would think me foolish, but I know her and trust her. She isn't going anywhere.
And, on the other side of the coin, even though I have always been right here for her, some part of her still fears that I will disappear.
Just like everyone else she came to depend on.
And in the logical, rational part of her head, I know she knows that I'm not going anywhere. But doubt and fear are deeply engrained in her. Though I don't believe she doubts me. Of her great losses, only one left willingly.
And even as I have this quick, intense moment of revelation, I feel incredibly guilty for not understanding the depth of her wounds. Even though she has showed me her vulnerability and come to rely on me, I forget on occasion that she still struggles with old demons.
She once called herself a work in progress. I see that now.
I feel so guilty, irrationally so, for leaving her alone in bed.
"Isabella," I say, cradling her face and gently forcing her to look at me.
"I know I'm ridiculous," she mutters, managing a small smile and eye roll.
"I'm not going anywhere," I tell her.
"I know."
"I love you."
"I know that too," she whispers, closing her eyes and leaning forward to rest her forehead against mine. "That almost makes it worse."
"What do you mean?"
"I know you love me. I know you would never leave. And knowing all that and still freaking out like this makes me feel so damn stupid. My heart is still fucking racing." She grabs my hand and places it against her chest to prove the validity of her words.
"What happened? Why did you wake up?" I ask.
"I was having this crazy fucking dream. It was like I was trapped in my head and my body kept doing these horrible things, but I didn't have any control over my actions," she explains.
"What kind of horrible things?"
She grimaces at me for a moment before continuing. "Old Bella shit," she mutters.
She doesn't have to explain anymore.
"I hated what I was doing and couldn't stop. I was screaming in my head, but I had no control," she mumbles. "I kept trying to wake up. It felt like hours where I was trapped in my head, along for the fucking ride. And than when I finally did wake the fuck up, I was super freaked out and you weren't there. I just… panicked."
Poor Bella, even tortured by her past. She woke up and I wasn't there. But at least I'm giving her what she needs now. And she is letting me.
"I'm sorry, love," I say, pulling her back to my chest.
"It's not your fault that I'm a crazy person," she replies, snuggling in next to me.
"You are not a crazy person," I say, closing my eyes and just enjoying being with her. "And I'm still sorry you had bad dreams."
"The whole thing was really scary." Her voice is quiet now. She is on the verge of sleep, and I allow myself to drift with her.
"I don't want you to be scared," I murmur in reply.
"I'm not anymore," she whispers. "Sleep now, sweetheart."
So I do. We sleep outside until morning when Ben sticks his head out and laughs at us.
July 31, 2011
A mini van parks on the street outside our house and before the people fully emerge, Bella has taken off. She leaps off the curb into the arms of Tyler fucking Crowley. He has changed little since high school, although his neck does seem a bit bulkier. Emmett eagerly invited the high school crowd. What are three more people and a baby added to a guest list of two hundred?
I have decided in the last three months that I absolutely loathe weddings. There is so much crap that goes into it. Rose and Alice have been dukeing it out against Rosalie's mother who is even more controlling than Alice. Esme has proved to be a talented mediator, but even in Denver the fall out from their fights has reached Bella and me by extension. Even the unflappable Emmett has been stressed. This week our entire extended family will decide upon Boulder to watch my big brother tie the knot. At least they will be staying in my parents newly purchased, half decorated, obscenely large new house. I don't really look forward to it at all. All I want to do is be with Bella.
My girlfriend, who looks far too happy to see dear Tyler.
I do not like the enthusiasm with which Bella greets him or the way he lifts her off the ground to hug her close. He sets her down and we watch as they progress to do a secret handshake complete with high-fives and awkward dances.
"I don't like him," I declare from the front porch, taking a sip of wine.
"Me neither," adds Jake, hand clenched around a beer bottle.
"Why not?" asks Jasper with a laugh. "You haven't even talked to the guy yet."
"He's way too friendly with Bella," says Jake.
"Yeah," I agree.
"He's going to need a reminder of who Bella's best friend is," continues Jake.
"Yeah," I agree again. "And her boyfriend."
"Y'all are ridiculous," mutters Jasper, shaking his head at us.
"Did Alice ever tell you who she lost her virginity to?" I ask pleasantly, glancing over at my brother in law.
"Some big guy from high school," Jasper says dismissively. Jake and I stare at him till he gets it. "Aw, shit!"
"We should go over there," I say as other blasts from my past climb out of the rental car.
So we get up and walk to the car, arms crossed over our chests as we try to look tough.
"Holy fack!" Bella shouts as Jessica Stanley pulls a blond haired baby out of the car. "Robs! You are huge!"
The baby shyly hides his face in his mother's neck, coyly blinking at Bella. For a moment, I fear that Bella will be disappointed and the baby won't remember her.
"Be-yah." Robbie states simply. The smile that blooms on Bella's face is truly breathtaking, and I forget to scowl at the foreigners.
"Oh, Roberto!" she says, pulling the baby into her arms. The sight of Bella with a baby in her arms does unexpected things to my chest. It is a strange combination of joy and pain that culminates in an odd sensation of hope. She looks so comfortable and happy and natural. Smile still in place, she glances over her shoulder in search of me. There is a shift in face, and I know she is thinking the same thing I am. About the baby we almost had. Maybe even the one we might have in the future.
She moves closer to me, grabbing my hand. We are having a moment, and I forget to be tough.
"Robs, this is my man. Can you say hi to Edward?" The baby hides in Bella's hair, shy from all the attention. I smile and say hello. "Edward, you remember Mike, Jess, and Tyler."
"Hello," I repeat, speaking quietly. I find I don't like these people. We were never close in high school and Mike once wanted to get into Bella's pants and Tyler has seen big twin naked. But when forcing myself to be honest I have to admit that the true reason I resent them is because they helped Bella when I couldn't. She let them in.
Damn, I had to get rid of this irrationality because these people from my past are important to Bella in the present.
"Edward!" Jessica yells, pulling me into an unexpected hug and making me uncomfortable. This woman tried to set Bella up with Tyler making it very difficult for me to return her hug. I pat her on the back awkwardly. "Thank you," she whispers in my ear.
I want to ask her what she means, but she pulls away. I shake hands with Mike and Tyler, trying to keep my face impassive. I probably grip Tyler's hand a little too tight and he raises an eyebrow in a silent question that I don't have an answer for.
"Jessica, Mike," she says, continuing with the introductions. "You met Jasper and Jake at Alice's wedding."
Everyone mutters hello.
"Tyler," Bella says, turning away from me to smile at her friend. "This is Jake and Jasper, Alice's husband."
"The southern gentleman?" Tyler asks, smirking at my girlfriend. Bella giggles in reply as Jasper fights a smile. "Good to meet you. Heard a lot about you." Tyler shakes hands with the fellas, seeming to not notice the hostile vibes being sent in his direction.
"Well, the bride and groom are out doing wedding things," Bella says as the big awkward group trudges into the house. "But I can't think of a single facking reason to wait for them to start the heavy drinkin'."
Tyler laughs loudly. "Damn, Bell," he says draping an arm casually around her shoulder. "I've really missed you."
"Samies, Ty Ty," she replies, beaming at him. I work very hard to hide the irrational jealousy coursing through me. Bella would probably not like it if I ruined this little reunion by decking her giant veteran friend.
Two rounds of drinks later, I listen with half an ear as Bella chats animatedly with Mike, Jess, and Tyler. Jake and Jasper sit around the table as well, occasionally contributing but mostly just observing as the four friends catch up.
I sit close to Bella and forget to be jealous of her relationships that don't involve me because baby Robbie has fallen asleep in her arms. I am completely enraptured by how comfortable he appears and how natural Bella looks. She is at ease. She is happy with a child sleeping in her arms.
But he is over a year old now. Would that make him a toddler? Where is the cut off exactly? Damn, she looks so beautiful.
"You still jogging, Bell?" asks Tyler. His question registers somewhere in the back of my brain as I am still totally focused on the sight before me. I am probably freaking out the Newtons with the intensity of my stare. I most likely look like one of those baby-snatching women, driven crazy by the ticking of their biological clock.
I have no desire to steal the Newton's baby. I want one a bit more custom made.
"Yup," replies my ladylove. "Believe it or not, Edward is an even tougher partner than you, Ty. But I do okay. Right, sweetheart?"
Sweetheart.
That's me.
"What?" I say, snapping back into reality. Bella blushes and smiles shyly as if she knows just what I'm thinking.
"Jogging, doll face," she says, resting a hand on my knee.
"Ah yes," I say, clearing my throat quite awkwardly. "She has really picked up the pace since she quit smoking."
"You quit smoking!" yells Jess, clapping her hands together.
"Mostly," Bella says modestly. "I'm down to one cig a week. But I'm aiming to make it one every two weeks."
"Good for you, Bell," says Mike.
Why the fuck do they call her Bell? I seriously consider demanding an answer when Alice flies through the door and ends up in Jessica's lap. The rest of us wince as the high school best friends squeal. Only dogs can understand them at this point. But they do succeed in waking up Robbie.
He whines and Bella tries to soothe him, garnering the attention of Alice.
"Oh my goodness, Jessica!" squeaks Alice. "What did you do?"
"I made a baby," Jess replies, looking smug.
"She had help," say Mike, standing to give Alice a weird little side hug.
"Me too," says Alice, ignoring Mike and rubbing her ever rounding belly.
"She also had help," puts in Jasper.
Bella attempts to pass off Robbie to big twin, but the little guy fusses and clings to Bella's neck. She smiles down at him, kissing his head.
"Come 'ere, big guy," says Jess, rising and taking her son. "He woke up way too early and didn't sleep on the plane at all. He should be much friendlier later. Bell, is it okay if I put him down for a nap in the living room?"
There is that nickname again. To them, she is Bell. To the Boulder crowd, Bells. Isa to the nomads. I'm the only one that gets to call her Isabella, and I find this thought somewhat comforting.
"Go for it," Bella replies. "You can use the spare room upstairs if you want. It's almost a nursery."
Our old bedroom has been half converted into a nursery at this point. Rose and Emmett moved into their own place about a month ago. Bella and I stay in their old bedroom when we are in town.
"Thanks, but I don't want him all the way on the second floor when he wakes up all discombobulated in a strange house," replies Jessica.
"There is a bedroom off the kitchen," Bella says. "Here, let me show you."
I frown as she disappears.
"Hey there, Ali-Cat," says Tyler, standing up to greet my sister. Poor Jasper does not look pleased by this endearment. Alice has to lean way back to get a look at Tyler's face. They were really the most bizarre looking couple ever. Tyler use to carry her around like a doll because he didn't like walking slow and her legs were too short to keep up.
"Holy mother of pearl," says Alice, beaming. "Tyler Calvin Crowley is in my backyard!"
He laughs and pulls her into a hug that lifts her off her feet. I am pleased that he seems just as friendly with Alice as he does with Bella.
"It's been a long time," he says, setting her down a moment later.
Bella silently returns to her seat, her hand coming to rest back on my thigh.
"Way too long," Alice agrees, nodding her head. "How are you? I should have called when I heard you got home."
She means from Iraq, and I feel a little guilty for being so hostile towards the guy.
"Don't worry about it," he replies. "And I'm good. Much better. I'm getting a hang of this whole civilian thing."
"Glad to hear that!" Tyler takes his seat, and Alice glances around, realizing there are no more chairs. Instead of retrieving one from inside, she plops down on Jasper's lap. "Did you meet my husband?"
"We've been introduced," drawls Jasper. Tyler nods in confirmation.
"This is kinda surreal," Alice say, laying an arm around Jasper's shoulders. "I really can't believe you're here. Or that you're such good friends with Bella."
"I know. It's weird as shit," Tyler agrees, grinning. "It's a small, small world. Seriously, I think the last time we saw each other you were like seventeen."
"No, that's not right," says Alice in full on reminiscing mode. "You came back from basic to take me to my senior prom."
"Ah, that's the truth," he says, nodding. "Not that I remember much of the evening."
"We drunkenly ended up lost in the woods until we finally wandered into Edward's meadow around dawn," Alice says, laughing. "I felt like we were in some poorly plotted horror movie."
"Edward has a meadow?" Bella asks.
"Yeah, it's all green and a little creek curves around one side. Edward went there like everyday to read and study and think. I used to go with him in the spring to draw the explosion of wildflowers. I love all that color."
"I know that meadow," Bella murmurs, taking my hand in hers and resting them in her lap. "It's on the jogging route, right?" she asks, turning towards Tyler.
"Yeah," says Tyler. "I go around but your lazy ass would cut through."
"I spent a lot of time there," Bella tells me as Tyler, Mike, and Alice continue to catch up and talk about the olden days.
'Really?" I say, pleased by this connection. She moves her chair as close to mine as possible, and I rest my arm around her waist.
"I was so drawn to it. I liked it there. I would go there to think too," she says, still talking quietly to keep our conversation as private as possible given the circumstances.
"It was always my thinking spot as well," I reply. "I liked the solitude and the peace."
"That's exactly right," she says with a shy smile.
"What did you think about?" I ask.
Bella blushes in return. "You," she confesses. "Always you. And I really felt you there."
I kiss her soundly, not caring that we have an audience. Bella is my girlfriend, my soul mate, my everything. Who I trust and love. And I am allowed to kiss her whenever I like now. I suppose by this time I should be used to the idea that she actually does love me, but at moments like this I can't help but be touched and surprised.
"Ew, gross," says my demon big twin. "They have been disgusting since they got back together."
"I think it's cute," says Tyler and Jess nods her agreement. I narrow my eyes in suspicion, not sure if they are sincere of not.
Bella gives me a final chaste kiss before pulling away and forcing us to rejoin the conversation.
"Seriously," Tyler continues, taking a long sip of beer. "It was hard to imagine the kid I knew in high school and the crazy that is Bella together, but I get it now."
Now I am really offended, but Bella smiles at her friend.
"Dude, the way she talked about you," says Tyler, ignoring my scowl. "She's so obsessed with you. I could never tell if it was borderline stalkerish or nauseatingly sweet."
I decided that maybe Tyler isn't a terrible guy. He accurately described the way I feel about Bella, especially during her absence. Also I like that her obsession mirrors mine. I am relieved that she made it clear to Tyler that I am the man she loves. That she has always loved.
"I kept my stalker side locked down, if you recall," says Bella, not denying any of his other claims.
"It's just good to see you happy," Tyler continues with a chuckle. "Seriously, congrats to both of you."
"Aren't you supposed to be saying that to us?" Emmett booms, stepping through the back door and pulling Rosalie behind him.
More greetings ensue. More introductions are made.
The awkward little get to know you continues. Jake scowls as Bella and Tyler laugh at yet another inside joke. I'm glad I'm not the only one irrationally threatened by this relationship.
These people know a side of Bella I will never see. I witnessed the old Bella and am spending a lot of time with the new, but I never saw the transition, the middle ground between the two. She told me about Forks, detailing all her self-discovery and recovery as well as the friendships she built there. But I still don't know it because I never saw her like that. These relative strangers did, and I feel they know her in a way I never can. And I resent them for it. They share so many stories, a whole history I am not privy to simply because she was there while I was here.
It's illogical and ridiculous, but I just hope I can transcend these negative feelings and get along with the Forks crowd for the next week.
"You we're awfully quiet tonight," Bella says when we finally get into the spare bedroom. I requested the week off, and now that Bella is writing for an online publication based in Denver, her hours are flexible. We will be staying here in Alice and Jasper's guest room until after the wedding at the end of the week.
But for tonight, we are finally alone. After hours of drinking, eating, and catch up, our guests finally called it a night and retired to their hotel.
"Was this hard for you?" she continues.
"Why would you ask that?" I am still trying to convince Bella that the presence of my former classmates has no effect on me what so ever, but my love is perceptive.
"Because these are people you didn't exactly like in high school," she replies, kicking her shoes into the closet as I sit on the end of the bed. "They probably teased you and made you feel inferior."
"Tyler never teased me. And Jessica never paid much attention to me at all," I reply, desperately wanting to change the topic of conversation. "Plus it was a long time ago. None of that matters anymore."
"Still, its not fun to be the social pariah. There was probably a lot for you to deal with this afternoon."
I just shrug, really not wanting to get into this.
Bella sighs, obviously irritated with my silence and disappears into the bathroom.
I'm really trying to not be cranky. I am really trying to be courteous and friendly. But apparently I'm not doing a very good job nor can I really articulate why I am feeling so blue. And possessive. And really generally just pissy.
Bella returns a few moments later, hair taken down from her messy bun. She's drinking a glass of water and probably just brushed her teeth in preparation for bed.
"You may be fooling everyone else, but not me," she says, setting her glass down on a book on the desk and putting her hands on her hips.
"What do you mean?" I ask, attempting to sound innocent when I really do know what she is talking about.
"The rest of the family may think you are just being your typical quiet-in-the-presence-of-strangers self, but I know there is much more than social awkwardness going on your head."
Again, I just shrug.
"Come on, sweetheart," she insists, glaring at me. "Talk to me."
I stand, hands in my hair, pulling off my light jacket just for something to do.
"It's just hard sometimes," I confess, sighing heavily. Although I am coming to terms with Bella's absence, there are still moments when I feel woefully inferior and left in the dark. "It's like you have this whole life separate from me. The way you talk and joke with these people just shows that. All these experiences that make me feel like I will never really know all of you like you know all of me. I didn't do anything while you were gone, but you were living, changing. You were basically my first everything and my only everything and my whole everything."
Bella looks at me for a long time before answering. Confessing this to her makes me feel a little sick and woefully pathetic.
"Edward," she says softly, taking my jaw in her hands and staring at me intently. "You know me. You understand me. Just because we spent some time apart and experienced some things apart doesn't mean we don't know each other all the way down to our souls. And you were basically my first and everything too."
"What do you mean?" I ask, breathing her in and reveling in her closeness.
"Well, you were the first and only boy that I ever really cared about, loved. The first and only to matter. The first and only that showed me that I'm not a terrible person and that my life doesn't have to be what it was before you." I am flushing in awe at this, reaching out to rest my hands on her hips. With a mischievous twinkle in her eye, she steps forward and pushes her body into mine. As she tips head up to whisper in my ear, my thoughts get cloudy. "You were the first boy to put your mouth on me."
What in the hell is she talking about? I believe we have turned to the world of sexual firsts, and it is painfully obvious that I wasn't her first anything in that department.
"P… Pardon?" I manage. Her close proximity is very distracting and my pants become uncomfortably tight.
"Your mouth." Her voice is low and husky while her lips graze my ear. She is quite the little seductress, and I shudder against her touch. "On me."
I understand now what she means but can't really get my mind around this new and awesome piece of information.
"My mouth where?" I ask, my tone matching hers as I slip my hands under her t-shirt. Ah, there are the lower back dimples I know and love.
"You know where," she replies, hands moving to wrap around my shoulders and pulling me impossibly closer.
Well, fuck me.
"Really?" I squeak, letting her push me down on the bed because my legs aren't really capable of supporting me any longer.
"Really," she confirms, pulling her t-shirt over her head and discarding it on the floor. My breath catches in my throat as I gape up at her in wonder. The things coming out of her mouth combined with the view of her standing half naked in front of me have me completely speechless.
But the most stunning of all is the look on Bella's face. She blushes, vulnerability and nerves etched on her features. She is letting me in. She is telling me her deep dark secrets.
And I really, really like this secret.
"Why didn't you tell me, love?" I ask hoarsely, pulling her forward so she stands in between my spread legs.
"I was scared of what I feel when I'm around you," she says, hands on my shoulders now. This puts her breasts right at eye level, but in this moment I find the subtle shifts in her face more appealing. Well, slightly more appealing. Wide eyes, bottom lip held in between her teeth. "But I'm not anymore. I love you."
"As I love you," I reply, hand traveling up her bare stomach over her chest and coming to rest on her neck. Her shy smile makes it difficult for me to breathe. I pull her down and kiss her slowly, tenderly. "I love you, I love you, I love you." I chant the mantra between kisses.
Bella's hands fist in my hair, holding my face to hers as I flip open the fly of her jeans, feeling her moist panties. Bella whimpers into my mouth and I hold back a groan in my throat. "And I love that I'm the only one to ever taste you," I continue through my heavy breathing. She reaches behind her to remove her bra, leaving her bare from the waist up. My hands immediately find her newly exposed flesh, and I moan a little as I feel her nipples pebble in my palms.
"Edward," she murmurs before her tongue once again finds its way into my mouth.
The kiss is slow, languid, and I run my hands over her body before pulling her jeans and panties down her legs. She balances herself on my shoulders and steps out of the clothes, kicking her pants away from us and leaving her totally naked and standing and me fully clothed and seated.
This will not do.
I kiss her again before rising from the bed. Bella's hands undo my belt buckle as I pull off my t-shirt. Now completely naked, Bella pulls our bodies together with her hands on my hips, pinning my erection between us.
There is no more need to say anything at all as I wrap my arms around Bella, kissing her deeply and lifting her off her feet before turning and tenderly laying us down on the bed together.
Our lovemaking is quiet, tender, and intense. The room is filled with our sighs and moans. Never do her eyes leave mine, even when I lean close to kiss her. Bella's hands trace the planes of my back before moving over my shoulders and up my neck. She touches my face reverently, as if she needs to touch me to confirm that I'm really here with her. That it really is me.
After, one of Bella's hands rests on my back while the other runs through my hair. I don't move. Don't think I could if I tried. We lay in silence for a long time, and I feel a shift in our relationship. It's difficult to pinpoint the change exactly, but I'm not resentful anymore.
This amazing woman loves me. Loves me. And it doesn't matter that we were apart for the last two years because I know her. I am the only one that really knows all of her. The contradictions that make her Bella. The strength and vulnerability. The joy and pain.
I'm the one she comes to when she has bad dreams. She gives me just what I need when I'm feeling cranky and insecure.
She is remarkable and she loves me.
"My only," she whispers in my ear.
I fall asleep, utterly and totally content.