He sat down and stared at the report. Under the light he could clearly see there was more written but should he read it? It was addressed to him but then again his name was crossed out and the original document certainly hadn't been given to him. He thought back to the smell of burning paper and the ashes smouldering in the bin, she almost definitely hadn't wanted him to read it. Deciding to go with his moral conscience he set about trying to read the report and ignore the imprint of the secret letter. This was going quite well at first and he was just getting to the section he had been looking for to prove his theory when he noticed a few more of the secret words, drownindesire. He dropped the report as if it had scalded him. He fidgeted in his chair for several minutes watching the report wearily as if it were a wild animal set to bite him. He stood, then sat again, and then rose to fetch some blank paper, faltering several times in indecision. He was alone in the station, it was dark outside, and the atmosphere only heightened his sense that he was doing something sneaky. Finally sat at his desk again he laid the blank paper over the report and held a pencil tentatively in his hand. No-one would have to know, whispered the devil on his shoulder, it had been so hard to find comfort since she returned with a fiancé surely he could allow himself this one secret indulgence? Before he had time to doublethink himself his hand moved almost on its own, drawing the secret letter out.
Dropping the pencil he sat back, could he really bring himself to read it? He allowed himself to read the first two lines. So it wasn't intended as a letter to him then, it was her private thoughts. This would have made him stop and destroy the copy he made if she hadn't added 'That'sajokeDetective'.He could hear the tone as clearly as if she had said the words aloud, that was it, he couldn't resist, his eyes scanned the rest of the letter, then he read it though again blood rising in his cheeks.
Looking at his watch he realised it was nearly eleven thirty. He'd made no real progress on the case but he certainly couldn't concentrate now. He folded up the rubbing he'd made of the secret letter and put it safely in his inside pocket close to his heart. He switched off his lamp and locked up the office to head home although he doubted he'd be able to get much rest as his mind wrestled between the case and the letter.
He was right of course and the next morning he was feeling slightly worse for wear and rather tired. He had concluded he should do nothing about the letter, she had not wanted him to have it and her engagement to Dr Garland remained. It was with this resolve in his mind that he seated himself back at his desk that morning and picked up the neglected report from the night before. This time he ignored the imprint and set his mind to reading the facts. He had just got to the vital section and was smiling to himself, being proved right as usual about the hunch he'd had on the case, when a familiar voice arrived from the door of his office. "William, have you seen…" Julia's voice trailed off as she clocked the object of her search resting in Murdoch's hands. "Ah, so you did take it. In future, detective, if you could at least leave a note when you remove things from my desk." Her voice rang with a familiar vexation.
He looked up at her over the file, confused slightly as he drew his mind back out of the words and the case. Maybe it was her phrase 'leave a note' or maybe it was just seeing her after reading the secret letter but he was instantly distracted, it felt like the temperature in his office had risen ten degrees, he shook his head gently to clear it. "I'm sorry Julia" he realised his mistake too late, coughed to clear his throat and then corrected himself, "It won't happen again Doctor" his eyes cast down because looking at her was too difficult. In the time this had taken she had crossed the threshold and was now stood in front of his desk looking down at him, forcing his gaze back to her.
"So did you find what you were looking for?" She asked with interest. He didn't hear her though because he was too busy imagining some of the things she might have 'resolvedtodotohim', his mouth went dry and he felt his lower abdomen twitch. "William?" she asked in concern, leaning in slightly.
"Sorry?" he croaked, blinking several times to regain his focus.
Her brow creased slightly at his strange behaviour, "I just wondered if you'd found what you were looking for in the report?"
"Oh, well yes," he smiled at her brightly as he stood, returning to the case might allow him to escape he realised, "your report proves exactly what I suspected, in fact I was just leaving to apprehend the suspect," he said handing her back the report and pulling on his jacket and hat, "will you excuse me Doctor?"
"Of course" she nodded but her face clearly showed her confusion, he didn't seem to notice though as he sped out the door.
Later that evening he was alone again at his desk and had just finished completing the paperwork for his earlier arrest. The case was closed and he let the usual contented feeling wash over him. Leaning back in his chair he allowed his mind to wander back to Julia's arrival that afternoon. The letter had had a greater effect on him than he'd realised. It was one thing to want her close at work and sustain himself in private moments of memory or fantasy but something else entirely when his desires clouded his ability to think and function.
Cautiously he pulled the letter out of his pocket and read it again, feeling his heart flutter with hope and longing. He sat in contemplation for some time, sighing he rubbed his neck with indecision. 'Oh Julia' he thought, 'what am I to do?' every aspect of him was dying to run to her but his inner self whispered about her engagement, that he wasn't meant to read the letter in the first place. There was only one thing for it he decided, he would write a letter of his own. He would never get chance now to say all the things he'd failed to say before but perhaps he could write them, then she could either dismiss the letter and remain with Dr Garland or … he didn't even dare hope for or. With more determination than he truly felt he took up a blank sheet and the pen he kept for certain occasions, he decided a letter like this must be written by hand; the typewriter was just too impersonal.
Dear SubconsciousWell he couldn't very well address it to Julia could he, he was replying to her subconscious after all.
I have read your undelivered letter and I cannot tell you how happy I was to have the chance.
That's not a joke Doctor.
I know I have failed so many times to tell you the truth but I'm going to try and fix that now, then it will be yours to own, you can ignore it and I will never mention it again.
You say you fear never letting me go, this is all I can hope for now. I remember our dance classes that time you told me you just wanted to be held. Since you have returned, be that partly through my trickery or not, it has taken every ounce of strength I have not to come to the morgue all the time because all I want is to hold you.
I know sometimes I seem to you slow or cold but the truth is I find myself at constant odds with the truths I've been brought up with. I beg your patience, your forgiveness, and the hope that you can see how much I have grown with you at my side. The truth is I've forgotten how to be myself without you.
If you take nothing else from this confession take this, you will never be shamed in my eyes. I am in awe of you. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met; you are a constant enigma, your tenderness, your strength, your intelligence and wit. You're so beautiful Julia. There will never be anyone else for me and to prove this and my intentions I enclose a proposal I had written for you which I failed to deliver before you left for Buffalo.
Even though I'm writing this I couldn't even tell the priest at confessional the things I sometimes fantasize about you. I might only be able to whisper them to you in the dark. So if you are shamed in God's eyes I am shamed with you, but a wise woman once explained to me that love and desire are the most natural things in the world and given to us by God to enjoy.
Honestly, I don't know how we'll make it through this but…
I love you.
Yours always
William
As he read over his words he realised how easily they'd come, perhaps that is the nature of truth, it exalts in freedom. It was late again surely she would have left for the night allowing him the chance to act as secret postman. He folded the letter as tenderly as hope can be folded and added to it the marriage proposal he'd written and kept safe in his desk draw with the ring. Sealing the envelope he addressed it, dearest Julia. Pulling on his jacket and hat he placed the envelop in his inner pocket and took the spare morgue key as he locked up the station, the last one out as usual.
He was gratified to find the morgue locked up and in darkest again as he let himself in on his secret mission. He took the letter and placed it discretely on her desk but somewhere he was certain she would find it. Thankful with this case closed he could hope to avoid the morgue for a little while at least. Looking at it laying on her desk he sighed heavily trying t steal his nerve, finally resigning himself to 'come what may', he turned on his heal and locked the morgue heading out into the night.
The next day Julia was early to work, hoping to re-order some of the shelves before a new case would demand her attention. Her first task was to clear her desk and it was as she began doing this that her fingers found the envelope. She examined it for a second, her fingers tracing the words 'Dearest Julia'; it was William's writing.
TBC…