"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.'' Friedrich Nietzsche
Sam took a sip of the beer he'd been grasping onto since Dean had gone into the parlour to play. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he gave his confession; he knew that absolution would not come from saying any number of prayers or hail Marys. He didn't know if he even deserved it,
"Do you remember what I was like after Dean died?'' he said softly, Bobby cleared his throat and nodded, although Sam had yet to meet his eyes,
"I do''
"I...I was just so lost, I didn't know what to do, my brother was gone, I hadn't been able to stop it, stop them, stop Lilith from taking my brother to hell''
"Sam, yer can't blame yerself fer that, it aint like we didn't try.. .'' he was cut off by Sam raising his hand,
"Just...let me finish okay, I don't know if I can say it if I don't say it all now, and I never wanna have to repeat myself''
"Okay'' Bobby said gruffly. The mechanic did remember just how desperate they had all been by the time Deans deal came due, he could also remember just how much he himself felt like he had failed the brothers, but right now he needed to let the younger man speak,
"Well when I left you, after we buried Dean, I made a vow to myself that I'd do anything to get him back. I caught demons, tortured them to try and get some information on how to get my brother out of hell, but they wouldn't help or they didn't know. I'd been trying to make a deal, but none of the demons would, no matter what I did, or said they just wouldn't deal...one of them said they had Dean right where they wanted him, that I was worthless to them, that...that he screamed so prettily for them. I killed them, I killed every single one of them and I did it with a song in my heart, because I knew they wouldn't be able to go back there and hurt my brother.''
Sam took a sip of the beer to clear his dry throat; he risked a glance at Bobby, the man was watching him with glistening eyes, ducking his head Sam continued,
"It was after one of my visits with a demon that I met Ruby again, she said that Lilith had let her out if she promised to kill me, but for some reason she killed the demon she was working with instead, she said that she wanted us to kill Lilith, that I could do it, but I had to work on my powers. So I allowed her to train me. I've...Bobby, I've done some terrible things, things that I'm not proud of, but you have to understand at the time I really thought I was doing the right thing. I...'' he sighed a shuddering breath willing his emotions into check "I drank demon blood Bobby, and I liked it, it made me strong, powerful, it made me unstoppable, no demon stood a chance. I could pull them from the hosts body Bobby, with no exorcism necessary, and in most cases the host lived. But it was changing me, I knew it was and before Dean came back I didn't care. But then you turned up at the motel with him, and things changed. I wanted to be there for him Bobby I did, but I was so blinded by my thirst for vengeance that I left him alone, I went off with Ruby, worked with her, drank more demon blood than I care to remember, then last week Dean turned up at the warehouse where Ruby and I were questioning a demon'' rolling the bottle in his hands Sam glanced at the man he classed as a father, Bobby was watching him patiently, "He'd seen me, seen us, he just flipped, I knew he would, knew he wouldn't understand what I was trying to do, and then Ruby...she just, well started chanting and I couldn't move and Dean, Dean was screaming Bobby, it was the most horrific thing I've ever heard and I never want to hear it again, there was this light, like when Lilith tried to kill me, and then there he was...this small boy, a baby that I have to look after now, and he thinks I'm his dad, and I don't know what to do Bobby, I don't know what to do!'' for the first time since Dean had been turned back into a small child Sam let all the fear and heartache take him over and he cried. He cried a river of tears, that he could feel swallowing him whole, that he could feel himself drowning in and he had no lifeline to haul him back to the surface.
Bobby watched as the dam that had held back Sams' emotions since Dean had been ripped apart by the hell hounds break and shatter. Sam Winchester was laid bare and naked in front of him, he hadn't seen him cry this much since he was a boy and Bobby had had to put down Hercules. The dog had been a constant in both the boy's lives, but after reaching the ripe old age of 15 the Bassett Hound had become too ill, and Bobby had had to take him to the vets and have him put down. Sam had been inconsolable when the boys came to visit and Hercules hadn't come trotting out to greet them. He'd only been 5 at the time, but it was the first time death had entered the young Winchesters life since the mother he couldn't remember. Sam had cried when Dean had died, but it was nothing compared to the gut wrenching sobs that tore from him now.
Coming behind the young man Bobby wrapped him in his arms; he didn't know who needed this comfort more, him or Sam. Watching the young man come apart like he had had been Bobby's undoing,
"Now you listen to me boy, cause I'm only going to say this to yer once ya hear?'' he waited for Sam to nod jerkily before he continued,
"I aint gonna condone what yer did, but I aint gonna judge yer neither. What yer did while yer brother was gone...well yer wanted him back and yer did the thing that you knew best. I can't says I aint happy that no demon would deal with yer though, and working with that Ruby...well we don't know if she was reformed or not, I'm inclined to think not, but she did help you and yer brother out before he went to hell so I guess that has to count for something. The drinking of blood?'' Bobby shook his head "Yer a Winchester, since when did you knuckleheads ever do anything the easy way? And everything else we'll get through, you and yer brother can stay here as long as yer need, you know that, and we'll do this right Sam, we will. We'll work through it all, but you gotta learn to forgive yerself, for not being able to save Dean, for not getting anything to bring him back, we just gotta be glad that the angels did, someone up there must like you boys, and if that's the case I'm sure yer forgiven already.''
Sam sniffed and wiped a shaky hand across his eyes, he gave a look of hope to the gruff mechanic,
"You think so? You think that God's forgiven me?'' Bobby nodded firm in his belief,
"I'm sure of it, now why don't yer go wash yer face, I'm sure that boy of yours will be wanting yer attention sooner or later.'' Sam had to smile; his brother was definitely a daddy's boy,
"Okay'' Bobby watched the young man leave his kitchen, his shoulders that had seemed weighed down before now looked to be a little lighter, he knew that they had a long road ahead of them, that Sam had a long way to go in forgiving himself, but maybe if he saw someone else forgive him, the process would be easier. He went to the doorway of the parlour and watched the little boy in there playing with his cars; maybe the healing Sam needed wasn't in the form of a grizzled hunter that had more left over baggage than Grand Central Station, but instead came in the form of young boy, with floppy blonde hair, green eyes and a sprinkling of freckles. He frowned slightly, hoping that the bright future he could see was heavens light and not hell fire. He needed to hit the books and find out what kind of spell the demon Ruby had done, and more importantly, why?