A/N: Happy New Year!

Some inspiration and dialogue are borrowed from episodes 415, "Early Rollout" and 416, "Getting Off."

I don't own CSI.

January 2016

"Mommy, I was so scared!"

"I know, baby, and I'm sorry," Sara says, hugging Anna even tighter. "I didn't want to scare you."

"Jake said that you were sick."

Sara pulls back from both children and looks over their heads at Grissom and Catherine. Catherine meets her eyes and nods.

"Hey, I need to get going," she says. "I'll come back in a few days, Sara, and see how you're doing."

"Thank you, Catherine," Sara says. "For everything."

Catherine squeezes her shoulder on her way to the door. She is about to let herself out when Grissom, who followed her across the room, stops her with a hand on her arm. She looks up at him with questions in her eyes.

"Thank you," he nearly whispers. "Cath … I …" He shrugs slightly. "I wouldn't have made it through the past twelve hours without you."

She smiles a sad smile and hugs him. "Take care of her, Gil," she whispers. "She really needs you now."

Grissom nods and releases her.

"You'll call me if you need anything?"

"Yes," Grissom promises.

"Good." She looks past him to where Sara is hugging Anna tightly again. "I'll be over soon."

He nods. "She'll like that."

Catherine nods sadly. "Take care."

Grissom nods again, and Catherine lets herself out of the house. Grissom turns back to his family in time to see Sara release their daughter from her arms. Anna studies her mother critically.

"You don't look sick," she says. "Did the doctors make you all better?"

Sara glances at Grissom, who nods slightly.

"Come sit with me for a minute," Sara says. "Both of you. Daddy and I need to tell you what happened."

January 2004

"Hi, Sara."

Sara looked up from the clothes she was processing as Grissom joined her in the lab. "Hello." She immediately dropped her eyes back to her work.

He sat down on the stool across from her. "What case are you working?"

"Anderson murder," she replied.

"And, these clothes belong to …"

Sara just stopped herself from sighing. He was her supervisor, after all, and had a right to know what she was doing. "These are the wife's clothes. I'm checking for GSR, among other things."

Grissom nodded. "Do you like her as a suspect?"

"Not really, but she needs to be excluded."

"Why do you think she's innocent?"

Sara finally looked up. "Grissom, I'm working the case with Warrick. We've both agreed that she's not a good suspect, and Brass is on board. He's already looking into other leads."

"I wasn't questioning your judgment," Grissom said, holding up his hands as if to fend off her verbal attack. "I just …"

"You just what? Don't trust my work?"

"No, that's not … you're an outstanding CSI, Sara. You know that I trust your work."

"Then, why …?"

He shrugged. "I just wanted to know what you're up to."

Sara sighed. "Is this all part of that friends thing you talked about before?"

"Yeah," he said with a sheepish smile. "I'm not very good at it, am I?"

Sara finally smiled. "No." She looked back at the blouse in front of her.

"I'm sorry," he said, getting up from his stool. "I'll let you work."

Sara looked up again and watched him leave. Part of her wanted to call him back, to have a real conversation with him.

But …

The larger part of her refused. She couldn't let him draw her in again.

She couldn't let him break her heart again.

January 2016

"What happened, Mommy?" Anna asks as they all sit down on the couch. She is sandwiched between her parents; Jake is nearly falling off the edge on the other side of Sara. "Why were you sick?"

Sara draws a deep breath and exhales slowly. She looks at Grissom, who holds her eyes until she nods. "The … the baby got sick, Anna. That's what made me sick."

Anna's eyes grow to the size of saucers. "I didn't know that babies could get sick before they're born."

"When they do … especially when they're so very tiny … it's very hard to help them." Sara's voice breaks, and she swallows before continuing. "The baby died, Anna."

Jake grabs Sara's arm. She turns to him with tear-filled eyes and puts her other hand over his.

"What?" Anna gasps. "Like Daddy's cockroaches?"

"Yes," Sara nearly whispers. "And, because the baby was still inside me when it happened, I got sick and had to go to the hospital."

"But … you're better. Why isn't the baby better?"

"The baby was just too little, Anna," Grissom says, taking over as the tears begin to slide down Sara's cheeks. "The doctors couldn't save her."

"I'm sorry, Anna," Sara says through her tears. "I know you wanted the baby very much."

Anna begins to cry, and Sara grabs her, hugging her tightly and crying with her. Grissom leans into them, wrapping his arms around both of his girls, trying to offer the support and comfort he knows they need. One of his hands falls on Jake's shoulder.

Although he remained stoic through the entire thing, Grissom is sure that Jake needs support and comfort almost as much as Anna does.

January 2004

"Hey."

Sara looked around her open locker door as Greg entered the locker room. "Hey," she replied.

"What are you up to?"

"Leaving work," Sara replied.

Greg grinned. "Yes, Captain Obvious, I can see that. I meant, what are your plans beyond walking out the door?"

"I'm going to go home," Sara said. "Maybe I'll rent a movie on the way."

Greg shook his head. "Bad plan."

"Oh, really?" Sara said, unable to suppress a smile in the face of his excited grin. "Why is that, may I ask?"

"Because it's boring and definitely not social."

"Oh, really?"

"Really. So, I think you should come out for a drink with me."

Sara cocked her head to the side and looked at him for a minute that seemed to stretch on forever. "How do you mean that?"

"How should I mean it?"

"Friends and coworkers."

"Then, I mean it as friends and coworkers."

Sara grinned at him. "You're on. Let's go."

January 2016

Jake isn't surprised when Molly sits down with him at lunch the next day. He almost expects it.

"Hi," she says.

He tries to smile, but fails.

"Oh, no," she says, her face falling. "Is your foster mom worse?"

He starts to nod, then changes his mind. "She's home now."

"Well, that's good, right?"

Jake sighs and runs his hands over his face. "She had a miscarriage."

"Oh, Jake, that's awful!"

"Yeah. She's pretty upset about it. She just kept crying yesterday." He shakes his head. "Anna's pretty crushed, too."

"So, you all knew she was pregnant?"

He nods.

She covers his hand with hers. "I'm really sorry, Jake."

He looks down at their joined hands, then up at her. "Thanks, Molly," he says quietly. "I … I feel bad, you know? For being upset about it."

Molly frowns. "Why wouldn't you be upset?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I guess … It's not my baby, you know? It wasn't even really my brother or sister – it was Anna's. I feel …"

"The Grissoms have made you part of their family," Molly says softly. "You have a right to be sad, Jake. It may not have been your blood brother or sister, but …" She squeezes his hand. "I've seen you with Anna. As one who is a big sister, I feel very qualified to tell you that you are definitely a big brother to her. So … I think you lost a baby brother or sister, too."

He takes a shaky breath, and manages to give her a small smile. "Thanks."

She returns the smile. "I'm here for you, Jake. You know that, right? If you need someone to talk to, I'm your girl."

Jake holds her eyes in a silent thank you. He is completely speechless.

January 2004

"That was fun, right?"

Sara grinned. "Yes, Greg, it was fun," she said. "Seriously, thanks. I really needed that, and I didn't even realize it."

"Good," Greg said. "Well, not that you didn't know what you needed, but good that you got it."

Sara grinned. "And, now, I need some sleep."

"Yeah, me, too."

They separated to go to their cars – neither felt too intoxicated to drive –, and headed home.

Sara felt on the verge of collapse as she nearly stumbled into her apartment. She shook her head.

"Maybe not too drunk to drive, but probably too tired," she sighed. "I hope Greg made it home okay …"

A few text messages later, she felt she could go to sleep without worrying about her friend. After washing her face and changing, she collapsed onto her bed, expecting sleep to claim her immediately.

Ten minutes later, she realized that it wasn't going to happen for her.

Sighing, she got out of bed and poured herself a glass of wine. Although probably not the safest habit, it often worked to combat her insomnia.

Twenty minutes later, she was sound asleep.

Her ringing cell phone jarred Sara from her dreamless sleep. She frowned at her clock as she reached for the phone. She hadn't even been asleep for an hour yet.

"Sidle," she said, trying to sound as awake as possible.

"Sara, it's Grissom. I'm so sorry to do this to you, but we've got a high-profile, double murder. It's all hands on deck."

Sara managed to suppress her sigh of frustration. "Okay. I'll be there."

As she packed her bag to leave, she was sure to include a package of cough drops. Even brushing her teeth repeatedly hadn't masked the smell of liquor on her breath. The cough drops would have to cover for her.

January 2016

It isn't so bad when Grissom, Anna and Jake are home.

With the three of them to distract her, Sara can forget, even for a few minutes at a time, the overwhelming sadness that wants to drag her under. She can smile at them, eat with them, and pretend to be normal again.

But, when they are gone, and the house is quiet …

It becomes impossible to forget.

It is when she is alone that Catherine arrives for a visit. Sara has never been so happy to see her; tears gather in her eyes as soon as she opens the door to admit her guest.

"Oh, Sara," Catherine sighs, hugging her even before the door has shut behind her. "I've been so worried about you."

Sara tries to laugh and pulls back from Catherine's embrace to wipe away her tears. "I'm sorry," she says. "I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm actually very happy to see you – relieved, even."

"Relieved?" Catherine repeats, shutting the door.

Sara nods. "Now I don't have to be alone anymore."

Catherine touches her arm. "Gil's at work?"

Sara nods again. "Come in and sit down. Can I get you anything?"

Catherine shakes her head as they sit down together on the couch. "I just came to visit, not to eat your food."

Sara smiles slightly. "Okay."

"How are you feeling?" Catherine asks.

"Physically, I'm fine. I'm going back to work tomorrow."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yes," Sara says firmly. "I need something to distract me … to get my mind off …"

"Sara, you're allowed to grieve," Catherine says. She takes Sara's hand. "You didn't just lose something you wanted. You lost a child. You need to let yourself feel that loss."

"I am," Sara said, her tears beginning to fall again. "Believe me, Cat, I'm feeling it. Probably more than I've felt anything in a long time."

"Good," Catherine says. She looks away for a moment, then looks back at Sara again. "I had a miscarriage before I had Lindsey."

Sara's eyes widen. "What?"

Catherine nods. "It was several years before I had her … I hadn't even met Eddie yet. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and I was completely panicked over the whole thing. I didn't know how to tell my boyfriend, so I didn't. I didn't tell anyone, actually. It was like, if I didn't talk about it, it wasn't happening.

"When I started cramping, I knew it was a miscarriage … and I thought I should be relieved. I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

"But, Sara, I wasn't relieved. I … When the doctor told me the baby was gone, I cried for an hour. I couldn't believe it. Somewhere, in all that time I spent trying to pretend this wasn't happening, I had fallen in love with my child." Tears fill her eyes. "Even now, looking back, it's hard to think about the fact that I'll never get to meet that little one."

Sara stares at her with wide eyes. "But …you have Lindsey now …"

"Thank God for her," Catherine says with feeling. "I told Eddie the minute I was late, and he was with me when I took the pregnancy test – and proposed as soon as we saw those two lines. After what happened the first time … I didn't want to go through any part of this without being honest – both with him and with myself. And …" A tear breaks free and trails down her cheek. "I didn't want Lindsey to ever think, even before she was fully formed, that I didn't want her. That I didn't love her. That I didn't want to be her mother." Another tear slides down her cheek. "That's what I regret the most about my first pregnancy, Sara. That, somehow, the baby knew how I felt."

A tear trails down Sara's cheek.

"And, that, Sara, is something you don't have to worry about at all," Catherine says, squeezing her hand. "That baby was loved from the minute it was conceived, and I know that it knew that. You loved your little one as much as you love Anna. You wanted it as much as you want her, as much as you want Jake."

"Jake," Sara repeats in a whisper. "He's truly part of our family now, Cat. He really is."

Catherine nods. "I know. Spending time with him and Anna the other day, I could see it."

"I've got two great kids," Sara says with a smile. "And, you're right. I loved that baby so much, and I wanted her so much … she had to feel that."

Catherine nods again. "I know she did."

Sara squeezes her hand. "Thanks, Catherine. For helping me to see that … and, for telling me about … what you went through."

Catherine gives her a shaky smile. "Thank you for being the first person to hear it."

January 2004

Avoiding Grissom had been surprisingly easy, given that they were working the same case. Sara had volunteered to work the perimeter at the scene, and had been processing with Warrick since returning to the lab.

"Hey, did you see Greg at the scene the other day?" Warrick asked.

Sara shook her head. "Why?"

"Look, don't tell anyone I told you this, but, Catherine called him to the scene."

"Yeah, Grissom said it was all hands on deck when he called me. I know Greg wants more field time, so that makes sense."

"Girl, you should have seen him. He looked like he just rolled out of bed! And, his stuff was a mess …" Warrick shook his head. "I got him straightened out, and told him to stay away from Grissom as much as possible."

"Oh, wow," Sara said, holding her poker face to the best of her ability. Greg probably had just rolled out of bed, and she felt at least partially responsible for his lack of professionalism. "I guess he hasn't gotten the hang of the early rollout yet."

"Nope," Warrick agreed. "We'll have to help him."

"Yeah," Sara said.

"Listen, you won't …"

"I won't say a word," Sara promised. She suppressed a yawn. "You want some coffee? I think I'm going to grab some."

"No, I'm good."

"Okay. I'll be back in ten, all right?"

Warrick smiled. "I'll do my best to make it without you."

Sara grinned at him and went to the break room. She had just poured her coffee when Brass walked in.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Hey," Sara said, looking up at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you were popping cough drops at the scene the other day a mile a minute."

Understanding dawned. Time for a cover story. "I thought I was coming down with a cold," Sara said as though she couldn't believe she had avoided the virus.

"Ah," Brass said. "Yeah, I … uh …"

They both sat down at the table.

"I understand colds," Brass said, leaving no question that he wasn't talking about a cold. "You know, back in Jersey when I was getting it from both ends, from my wife and my work … things started to get heavy. I started 'medicating.'" He made a gesture to indicate drinking. "'Cure' my cold. And, ah, and God forbid that I had an early morning rollout and I had that tell-tale breath, you know what I mean? So, I would dodge my supe, and I started popping cough drops."

Oh, God. He thinks I have a drinking problem. "Huh," was all Sara said.

"I mean, what I'm trying to say is that … there's more problems than answers in the bottom of a bottle, believe me."

"Yeah." Sara sighed. She had to tell him something, but she couldn't implicate Greg, not when he was already so close to trouble over his appearance at the scene … "Actually, I had a couple of beers with breakfast when I got off shift. And, then I got called in."

"Just a couple?" Brass asked, studying her closely.

"Yeah," Sara said, holding his eyes.

Brass smiled at her. "I'm just looking out for you."

"I know, Jim, and I really do appreciate it," Sara said. "I promise, I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself, my career, the lab …"

He smiled again. "I know, Sara. I just … worry. I don't want to see you repeating my mistakes."

"Well, I'm fine. I promise."

He stood up and put his hand on her shoulder. "Good."

He finally left, and Sara exhaled.

Apparently, she had been avoiding Grissom too much, if Brass thought she was dodging him. As for the cough drops …

No more wine to help her fall asleep.

January 2016

Grissom finishes the last sentence of the article he has been laboring over and smiles. He needs to proof read it – repeatedly – but, for the moment, he feels he has earned a break.

As he pushes his chair away from his desk, his eyes fall on the picture of Sara next to his computer. He took it over a year ago, when she was watching the sunset at the beach during a family vacation. She had no idea he was photographing her; he loved the serene, contented look on her face. The picture has been on his desk since their return from the trip.

"Hey."

Grissom looks away from the picture as Sara walked into his office. "Hey," he replies. "What's up?"

She has an odd look on her face. "I just got a call from Melinda."

Concern rips through Grissom. "Is it something about Jake?"

"No," Sara says slowly, "not Jake. She …"

"What is it, honey?"

"She wants us to take another foster," Sara says in a rush. "A baby."

Grissom's eyes widen. "Sara …"

"Gil, please," Sara says. "Let's at least think about it."

"Okay," Grissom says more than a little reluctantly. "We can think about it. When do we have to tell her if we'll do it?"

"The sooner the better."

January 2004

"Hi, Grissom."

"Hello, Sara."

He was obviously distracted; he did little more than glance in her direction before ducking into the DNA lab.

And, that was exactly what Sara wanted.

She had begun to make more of an effort to greet Grissom on a daily basis. She didn't attempt to engage him in conversation; merely to say hello and ask how he was. It was more than she had been doing, which was to get her assignment and avoid him for the rest of the day, but it still wasn't enough to encourage a relationship beyond that of CSI / CSI Supervisor.

And, it proved that she wasn't "dodging" him.

There you go, Brass. I told you I was fine.

Grissom hurried down the hall, searching for Sara. He finally found her, talking to a Trace tech.

"Sara," he said. "Excuse me."

The tech nodded and disappeared back into his lab.

"Could you, uh, help me out?" Grissom asked.

"Yeah," Sara agreed. "With what?"

"A woman."

Sara looked stunned. Maybe the avoidance worked too well.

"I need you to process a female suspect for me," Grissom clarified.

Sara barely managed to stop herself from rolling her eyes. It was so Grissom of him to ask her like that.

"Sure," she agreed.

He smiled. "Thanks."

Grissom watched her go, wondering how long it had been since he had worked a case with her. He would have to rectify that in the near future.

Mindy DuPont, the suspect Grissom had asked her to process, was the most pathetic-looking woman Sara had seen in a long time. She was far too thin, her hair looked ready to fall out, and her eyes were huge and scared in her pale face. Even before she saw the track marks, Sara knew that the woman had a long history with drugs. Sara was more gentle than normal as she processed her, hoping not to cause her any pain or further humiliation.

She left the room completely convinced that Mindy could not have killed anyone. Carrying the samples she had taken, she went on a search for Grissom.

She found him in the hallway. They made eye contact as she approached.

"Samples from your suspect," she said, handing them over. "There's nothing but a few track marks. No defensive wounds, no bruising. Junkies usually bruise if you breathe on them too hard. She is a pile of twigs, very frail."

Grissom barely heard her; he probably could have told himself at least some of what she said. Sara felt exposed by his penetrating stare.

"What?" she finally asked.

"I haven't seen you for a while, have I?"

"You see me every day," Sara said simply.

She walked away, leaving Grissom alone with his samples. He watched her leave, then took the samples to the layout room.

He put them down on the table and looked down at them without really seeing them. He exhaled.

She was right. He did see her every day. But, he was right, too. He hadn't seen her in ages.

Saying hello, giving and receiving assignments, briefly discussing cases … none of that counted as any kind of friendship.

He had already failed at being her boyfriend, and now he was failing at being her friend. He needed to do something to change that.

He couldn't fail her again.