BANG!
A shovel hit the table with a massive smash. It was the best way the Soldier could think of to attract attention. Other than shouting, of course.
"SOLLLLLL-DIERS! AT EASE!"
The Spy shot him a withering look. "We were never at attention in the first place, you utter imbecile."
At this comment, a loud snort echoed from somewhere near the Pyro. The Soldier's beady eyes fixed on her.
"SOMETHING FUNNY, PRIVATE?"
She then grinned openly. "Private? I'm sorry, I didn't realize we had ranks now." Another snort was issued, this time from several other members of the team. The Soldier turned a deep purple color, before grabbing his shovel from the centre of the table and once again throwing it back down. He intended the gesture as a means of shocking the team into silence, but it only incited more sniggers; along with a very loud swear from the Demoman who had been temporarily startled out of his drunken doze.
Things were not going as the Soldier had anticipated. The Demoman's loud curse had quite literally caused the Scout to fall out of his chair from laughter, and several others appeared to be not far behind him. On the other side of the table, the Heavy was utterly lost as to what the conversation was even about, and had began to butter two slices of bread as a snack to get himself through the confusion.
It was the Engineer who finally brought the team to some semblance of order.
"Now look," he drawled, his slow Southern accent filling the room, "this gentleman has a few words to say. Whether or not they're worth listening to is up for debate, but -"
"Zey are not." The Medic rolled his eyes derisively.
"BUT," the Engineer continued, shooting the Medic a steely glance, "We should shut our mouths anyway and at least hear him out."
The room actually quieted at this, the Engineer having the certain qualities of good leadership that the Soldier could never quite master. (One such quality was being in possession of an IQ over 80, an area in which the Soldier was sorely lacking. He was, however, excellent at throwing shovels. Big shovels, small shovels, you name it, he could throw it. It would make a nice loud sound too.)
The Soldier gave the Engineer a look that was an odd combination of gratitude, anger and jealousy, before continuing his carefully prepared speech.
"GENTLEMEN."
The Pyro gave a small cough. He frowned.
"GENTLEMEN AND YOU. I have been EVALUATING the enemy's MILITARY STRATEGIES!" The Soldier was known for stressing words in his sentences that didn't really require any emphasis. "I have discovered THAT there is a WEAKNESS in their defense TACTICS!"
Interest was piqued at this. The BLU offense was, in a word, atrocious. But they managed to bunker down extremely effectively on defense, making it extraordinarily difficult to even get close to their intelligence.
"I HAVE studied this MAP of the AREA!" he bellowed. The Spy twitched, inconspicuously covering up the ear closest to the Soldier, lest he go deaf.
"I HAVE DISCOVERED a sewer!" With an uncharacteristic dramatic sweep, he produced a map of the two forts. Near the bottom he had drawn about twelve large arrows pointing to the sewer system that ran between them. A triumphant look spread across his features, and he looked out to his team members, readying himself for their inevitable cheers.
They stared back.
The silence lasted a good six seconds, before the Sniper opened his mouth.
"Are you joking?"
The Soldier looked at him in confusion.
"Oh bloody hell. You're dead serious, aren't you?"
The reaction was not what the Soldier had anticipated. The expressions on the team's faces ranged from pitying amusement to stunned disbelief. The Scout's face was the first to break into a large grin.
"Oh my god. You had no frickin' idea, did you Solly? Holy shit. You're unbelievable. My ears man, they can't even believe what they just heard. They're like just…wow. Okay. Wow."
The Pyro's face soon followed the Scout's, a wide smile splitting her features.
"I don't quite know how to tell you this…we've, um…well we've…"
"Known about those sewers for months?" finished the Sniper, scratching the back of his head.
The Soldier surveyed the group. A different man may have felt embarrassment at such a mistake, or could have detected the new sense of awkwardness present in the room. The Soldier, however, had neither the time nor the mental capacity to consider such things. Instead, he opted for what he did best. Snatching the shovel from the table yet again, he sent it crashing down with another satisfying BANG.
"THAT IS the only THING I NEEDED to say." He shouted. "WE do NOT get better AT FIGHTING by SITTING in a ROOM. WHAT are all OF YOU still DOING HERE anyway? GO FIGHT THINGS." At this, he marched out of the room, slamming the door behind him with a loud bam.
The team stared dumbfounded after him, slightly unsure of how to react to this latest meeting. The door slam awakened the Demoman from his slumber, and he turned to the Medic with bloodshot eyes.
"Wha'…wha'd I miss?"
The Medic blinked at him. "Ze usual."
With a grumble, the Demoman shifted before taking a long swig from his bottle.
"I don' even know why I come to these bloody things, ah really don'."