Title: A Love Lost
Disclaimer: Yeah, still don't own the characters, but I could totally be a write for the show if you want me Marlowe.
Author's Note: Hey guys, my apologies for this one being a bit on the short side once more. I'm trying to get the whole fanfiction thing down to a science but it will take more than two chapters to become a star. Anyways, here is the second chapter. Hope you all enjoy.
KP, aka Ashley
The drive back to the precinct felt different from all the others. As if time had reverted and she was a young detective once more riding solo without her partner. Her partner who was now mad at her once more after another heated argument. He was right, they hadn't argued like that since May. Technically it was a good track record for them. Sure, the partners had their small quarrels but it was nothing like that night in May. Both were so mad at each other that there seemed to be no way of rectifying what happened. But then in the end, the two were joined once more to celebrate their friend, captain, and her mentor's life until a sniper came and ruined the scene. Though it was not a joyous occasion it was one that should have been respected rather than blown apart.
She wasn't lying when she said that sounds and images came back. The entire scene played out in her head every so often that it seemed to be the only thing that haunted her mind, other than the fact that she was lying to Castle but at the moment that didn't seem so important. But was it? Was that secret of hers the reason why she couldn't just come out and say, "I remember everything." It was an overbearing secret, one that weighed heavily on her shoulders each day she chose to continue carrying the burden of hiding herself from her partner. Her partner, no one else.
It was only mid afternoon but with the time change everything seemed to give into darkness so much more easily and quickly. Rather than putting up a fight to stay up those extra few hours the darkness engulfed everything and allowed those within its grasp to lay helplessly in its wake. The sun was still shining but Beckett felt that there was a dark cloud hanging above her cruiser.
She shook all thoughts of the matter out of her head and continued the drive in silence. Utter silence rather than allowing something to creep inside and bring noise. The radio was silenced, the windows were rolled up tightly to keep the heat in, and her partner wasn't sitting in his usual seat feeding her useless information that she didn't care about but chose to listen to. Secretly that's what she liked most about him. Castle could provide her with so much random information that she could easily win a game of Jeopardy.
The detective smiled at the thought as she parked in her usual space and headed towards the elevator. It was another silent ride up but once the doors opened so did her ears. The precinct was loud just the way she liked it. Often times Beckett complained about the noise but isn't that what every control freak wanted, a little chaos in their life?
Upon seeing their subordinate walk through the doors Esposito flagged her down.
She walked hastily towards them after being gone for roughly an hour and a half. She imagined all the comments the two detectives could make as she approached the desks.
"Hey, where are we with Gomes?"
Ryan's eyebrows came together and Esposito's face curled down.
"Guys, please tell me we have the right guy?"
"Well," Esposito said looking towards his partner.
"About that, Beckett."
She sighed leaning against the desk. "Eye witnesses placed Gomes at the scene."
"He didn't say he wasn't there, and he hasn't alibied out. Gomes admits to being there but says that he wasn't the only one that killed Sarah Vazquez."
"Wait, there was someone else with him?"
Esposito nodded, "He won't give us the name though. Apparently it's some guy that he's met all of two times and never really caught his name."
She rubbed her eyes and brought her hands down linearly covering her mouth as if praying. Beckett shook her head trying to think of some way around this roadblock. "Why didn't our eyewitnesses tell us about a second guy?"
They shrugged, "Witnesses probably didn't realize that our second guy was even working with Gomes."
"Send officers or call all the witnesses. We need to go through their statements again and again to see if we missed something. When talking to them try and ask new questions ones that will lead directly to the son of a bitch that's hiding himself."
"Goddamn coward if you ask me." Esposito commented.
Beckett shrugged apathetically, "That's what makes our job so hard and yet so rewarding at the same time."
She checked her watch making a slight face watching her expression in the glass as it reflected off. Her eyes seemed brighter in the lowly lit precinct making the green stand out more than usual. There were a variety of reasons why she made the face but only one being the truth underlying reason.
"By the way, where's Castle?" Ryan asked taking a seat at his desk and not questioning Beckett's expression.
She looked down as her brow furrowed. Rather than meeting the men head on she walked towards the murder board to write down more information. The current status of Gomes, where they were with witnesses, and a large question mark in read beneath the newest title The Second Man. Her handwriting was messy but much clearer than Esposito's chicken scratch. Plus she preferred to use mainly black rather than jazzing up the board with various colors that would most likely confuse the team.
As she wrote with her back towards the detectives she spoke, "He decided to head home for the day."
Esposito and Ryan exchanged looks most likely thinking the same thing. Both came up to the board in a few large strides not wanting to waste a second. They were protective over Beckett though they both knew all too well that she was fully capable of handling herself.
"In the middle of our case?"
"He didn't want to see how things would go with Gomes?"
The detective sighed as she capped the pen with a loud click and turned to the men. "You guys can keep him in the loop though he's not here. He always has his phone on him." She remarked with a sarcastic eye roll.
Brandishing a man's technology use was one thing but to the partners that sounded more like a snide comment rather than a harmless joke. They followed Beckett as she headed back to her desk taking a seat in her luxurious desk chair. It was set perfectly at her height and all knew that if they adjusted it at all there was surely hell to pay.
She uncapped a pen as Esposito and Ryan watched her movements. They didn't appear to be sporadic or nervous but rather calm and staged. She was hiding something. It didn't take world-renowned detectives to solve that case. All it took was a pair of her best friends.
"Is everything okay between you two?" Ryan asked stuffing his hands deep into the dark gray pants pockets.
Beckett nodded still engrossed with her paperwork. She was busy going through a witness' statement and underlying or circling anything that seemed oddly important. The entire page was soon covered in her scribbles and comments as if she were analyzing a poem or passage. The remarks were somewhat like the ones she did while reading a good book. With each good read she would have a pen and post-it note at the ready to jot down a few ideas or questions regarding the section of literature. Most of the books were like this but some of her favorites were nearly covered completely in her handwriting verses the fresh print.
Esposito and his partner exchanged glances once more and then back down at their friend. "You sure? I mean it's not like Castle to just-"
"Guys," she blurted out looking up at them. "Everything is fine we just had an argument."
"Usually arguments for you guys doesn't mean anything good."
She sighed again and looked at her desk. The coffee cup Castle always brought her in the morning was still perched on the corner of her desk. Empty now of course but it was still there though he was not. It was a sad reminder of him but she would persevere regardless.
"What Castle and I are going through is between us. I really appreciate that you guys are looking out for us but we're just fine."
"Just fine and talking to each other are two different things." Ryan quipped.
Esposito shot him a look and so did Beckett. His partner's was much less intimidating than Beckett's but he took a step back regardless. She shot him another glare as he retreated back to his desk rather than staying around for another lecture or death glare. But that wasn't the case for Esposito. He knew when to leave Beckett alone but right now didn't seem to be one of those times. He took Castle's usual seat sitting on the edge and leaning forward a bit.
"You sure everything's fine?"
Beckett sighed raising her eyebrows and nodded. "Yup," she seemed to add a bit more sarcasm than usual to that statement.
"I know what it's like. Lanie and me, it's killing me that we're not together."
She looked up compassionately as her friend's eyebrows grew closer together and his face fell. "Have you told her this?"
He nodded, "She wants a bit more time and I'm fine with it. It sucks ya know? I'm not mad at Jenny or anything but she really shouldn't have mentioned marriage in front of Lanie."
"She gave you the talk right?"
He nodded leaning back a bit in the chair. His shield bounced a bit off his chest as he resituated himself. "The whole speech is more like it. To her marriage is just a piece of paper with a diamond ring attached. She said when you love someone it doesn't matter whether your married or just hanging on the couch eating pizza."
Beckett nodded and smirked. "She's right but we both know Lanie would love a ring."
Esposito cracked a grin and nodded in agreement. "Yeah but that's not the point. My parents have been married for thirty-five years. When I see their relationship that's exactly what I want mine to be like, one full of love and laughter."
"I know what you mean." Beckett said gazing at the coffee cup again. It was difficult to distinguish which cup was hers and which was Castle's but they managed to make it work.
"All I'm saying Beckett, try talking to him about it even if you're scared to death. Castle's Castle, he's not going anywhere."
She nodded and looked back down at the paperwork. Her eyes traced each letter in the ink and then leapt over to her own handwriting. But her mind wasn't on this witness' statement it was on Castle. The fact that both Esposito and Castle's statements were nearly identical proved that everyone saw it. Lanie had told her a number of times before but now it was becoming more evident.
Beckett looked up one last time and gave a weak smile. "I'm sure everything for you and Lanie will work out."
"Yeah, the same goes for you and Castle."
He tapped her desk with his index finger before leaving and the detective stared at the chair Esposito left. She hated seeing the chair empty. It was like an ugly reminder that one day he might not show up. That someday he could be injured on the case or even decide that Nikki Heat lost its flavor went on to shadow someone more important.
"I'll wait for you." It was as if Castle was inside her mind and knew exactly what to say and when. He knew that giving her some sense of hope would stabilize her and keep her going. That form of reassurance was useful but not now, not at this time. "I promise." His words echoed through her eardrums creating a soothing lullaby for her mind.
She sighed wrapping up the paperwork and sitting at her desk for a moment. Beckett just sat there staring out at the space filled with detectives and officers walking around. Some had their heads buried in paperwork, others sat stiffly behind desks, and two officers were busy trying to calm down a suspect and get the handcuffs back on him. It was utter chaos but there was something to the chaos that was the 12th precinct. Not only was it work to Beckett but also a stable home with a family that loved her. But a member was missing and the family didn't feel complete. It felt empty and broken almost like her soul after losing her mother.
With another sigh she threw her things into her purse and decided to pack up for the day. It was only five but they wouldn't get through all the witness' statements in one day and they still had to interview each one again. The boys would handle that; it wasn't too difficult of a task.
She walked towards their desk slowly and smiled. "Okay, I'm heading out for the night. I have an appointment and I'll just go through these at home."
"You sure, boss?" Ryan said looking up to her as he slouched in his chair. His elbows were spread wide on either side of a folder and his baby blue eyes sparkled in the light. His mouth was slightly agape making him look dorky but also content.
"Yeah, I'm sure. If you guys can get a hold of any witnesses please have them come in. I'll continue going through more of them tomorrow."
Esposito scoffed, "Yeah with twelve witnesses it was a total pain in the ass to interview them all."
Ryan hit his arm, "Well what about the chick from Jersey that you made me interview? She would not stop talking about how frightened she was. That woman was easily the least helpful of them all."
Beckett smirked, "I think you made a lasting impression on her, Irish." She smiled throwing her purse on her shoulder. "Like I said, please just go through them all and if necessary, the Jersey Shore wannabe doesn't have to make another appearance."
The two smiled and waved Beckett on her way. None of the other detectives looked up as she left and thankfully Gates wasn't at her post to make a comment. Thank God that she was stuck at the commissioner's office all day.
For the second time that day the elevator ride was a chamber of silence that amplified her thoughts. It was as if she was speaking aloud to herself, but that would be the ultimate sign that she was losing her mind. No, the thoughts simply sounded so much louder than they actually were. It wasn't a panic attack but simply another thing on her list. That damn list of hers was growing steadily and by the second.
There was a low ding that didn't even register with the detective as her body went on autopilot and headed towards her cruiser. One of these days she would take her '94 soft tail Harley with her but that might cause more unwanted attention than usual. For now she would subside the inner rebel and stick with the unmarked car.
She came up to the door hesitantly and unsure whether to knock or to leave. Sure she had an appointment but was it worth it to go each time and hear the same lecture over and over again? How many other ways could her therapist put things into perspective for her and make her realize that Castle was there for good and had changed since his playboy ways? All it takes for a man is to find the right woman and they are willing to stay through anything.
She fiddled with her index finger and finally gave in. Turning the knob in and taking a step inside Roger Simmons was busy putting various papers away. He turned and gave an inviting smile as Beckett closed the door behind her.
"Hello Kate."
"Hey Roger." She said giving him a prize-winning smile back.
He extended his hand towards the back office and she took it as her queue to head back to the office. It was time to begin the session.
She walked holding her purse in both hands and her head held high. She had nearly memorized each black and white photo that hung in the short hallway. Some of patients that he had helped over the years, another that was a tree that resided in some far off plain, and another was a cartoon. The office and adjacent room were the exact same color and filled with the nearly identical furniture. The only difference was that the space seemed larger than the small waiting room and the two leather seats seemed much more inviting than usual. She took her usual seat and waited as Simmons fiddled with his pad and making himself comfortable in the chair.
"So," he said flattening his shirt. "How are you today, Kate?"
She shrugged, "I'm fine. Castle and I had an argument today."
"What about?"
Was this really what their conversations had come to? A simple back and forth, I'll pose the question and you answer me right away? Or was Beckett to play with the question in her mind and give some sort of answer that would give Simmons an easy telltale that she was bluffing?
She looked out the window that overlooked the city. "He called me out on all my bullshit, pretty much made things really apparent to me."
"And they weren't before?"
Her mouth opened but then closed as she looked at her hands. "Things are just different between us. They always have been."
Simmons nodded and folded his right leg on his left knee. "And this is stemming back to his statement?"
"I guess but it reminds of the fight we had back in May. It was like I was reliving that night all over again except with a lot less yelling."
"What did Castle say exactly?"
As if she hadn't already memorized it or replayed it in her head a thousand times. "He said he'd wait for me."
"Have you told him yet?"
She shook her head scoffing at the thought. "God no, I have no clue how to even approach the topic."
Simmons shrugged, "That seemed like a good opportunity to tell him."
Beckett hooked two of her fingers together as she said stiffly in the chair. No matter how luxurious the chair was she could never find a comfortable position.
"Kate," the therapist said bringing her out of a daze. "I've already said this once before, what are you afraid of? That he won't wait or that he will?"
"Yeah but he will wait for me,"
Simmons pointed towards her, "And that's my point. He's already given you consent and signed a verbal agreement with you that he won't leave."
She shook her head, "But that's the thing, he did leave. After he said he'd wait Castle just walked out that door like it was any other night."
"You have to understand where he's coming from. He wants to give you space and respect that you have boundaries. Rather than pressing them further or trying to pry deeper into your mind Castle is taking a step away and granting you some 'me-time.'"
Was this really that simple? Rather than worrying over the situation she should have been accepting the fact that he gave her free undivided time to herself?
"Look, I lo-" she stopped herself before completing that sentence. Taking a deep breath Beckett tried once more. "Appreciate him for giving me some space but I want to talk to him about this I just can't find the time or the words to do so."
"Then you'll need to work even harder to see where all of this is coming from."
The two sat in silence for a long time. Simmons looked at his patient and Beckett fiddled with a snare in her jeans. She was compensating for what she was actually thinking. Rather than voicing her thoughts like all the time before she chose to stay a bit more distant than usual. Trying to bide her time rather than tie a noose for herself.
A soft sound rolled through Beckett's ears gently. A crashing wave that sounded so peaceful and so far away. It must have been the relaxing music Simmons played sometimes especially for the longer sessions. Her fingers danced against the rough denim as she waited for Simmons to make the first move. She often did this. Rather than coming out and saying what was on her mind Beckett waited to be asked. Though many times she never shared this was a completely different environment from the precinct or her apartment. Sure, both were home to her but this place was a safe haven. The detective used her sessions as an escape, someway to get away from the burden of work and focus on her issues. Though to many her issues didn't seem as big or troublesome as others.
"You nearly just said the words to me, so why is it so difficult to tell him?"
She shrugged taking more time to herself. Why was it so difficult? Castle was one of the easiest people to talk to and she never feared having a conversation with him. It was the fact that her secret was soon to be discovered that frightened her most. The fact that he would find out and react terribly was her worst fear.
How would he react was a question she posed for herself on a daily basis. Besides these sessions Castle's reaction was something she pondered often. Would he be happy or terribly hurt that she had been keeping this from him for so long? Or would Castle wrap his arms around her for a loving embrace? Both scenarios played out in her mind but neither seemed like it was reality. Both seemed like skewed versions of the truth that her mind tried piecing together in some form of an attempt to have clarity.
"I just can't tell him yet. As much as I want to dive in it with him I just can't."
"You won't allow yourself to." Simmons leaned forward pressing his hands together. "What frightens you more than anything?"
She looked up, "Besides never catching my mother's killer?" Beckett waited for the solemn nod to continue. She sighed rubbing her hands against the denim as it made a soft scratchy noise. "Castle's reaction."
"And how do you think he would react?"
Beckett shrugged, "I don't know. What if I tell him and a few weeks down the line nothing changes? What if he just starts up again in a new relationship rather than trying to have one with me? What if he does leave?"
"Those are all rational fears," Her therapist said in a calming voice. "But Castle told you himself he wasn't going anywhere. Are you sure that you wouldn't run from him instead?"
She scoffed, "Isn't that what I'm doing right now?"
Simmons gave a warm smirk and shook his head. "No Kate, you're not running. You're trying to solve a problem." He cleared his throat and moved forward in his seat. "The easy part is telling Castle how you feel, the difficult part is accepting that as reality."
Author's Note: So as some of you will notice, or if you guys are super detectives, have realized that I'm playing this off of all the Kill Shot promos. I'm really excited about the episode and I felt that it would be a good stepping stone to base this story off of. Now my idea is completely different from the episode I'm sure but whatever, that's fanfiction for you. As the show progresses, however, I will add some of the content into this story to keep it authentic.
I'm having a good time writing this and I hope you guys are enjoying it though we're only in chapter 2. Please leave reviews, they are always welcome!
KP, aka Ashley